The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 4, Episode 17 - The Toast Derivation - full transcript

Sheldon becomes concerned when everybody begins to hang out at Raj's apartment and discovers Leonard is the center of the group.

Buona sera, Luigi's Pizza.

Buona sera.

It means good evening
in Italian.

May I say, having to explain
that to you calls into question

the authenticity
of your ristorante?

Okay, I'm out of here.

Un momento.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Now you're being
deliberately stupid.

Where are you going?

I'm having dinner
with Priya at Raj's.

I think Howard's going to be
there. You want to join us?

But tonight's Thursday.

On Thursdays, everybody
comes over here

and has pizza.

Or a reasonable facsimile

prepared by someone claiming
to be Luigi,

but who sounds suspiciously
like Jackie Chan.

Can't we make a one-time
exception for tonight?

We could.

We could also
stop using the letter "M,"

but I think that idea is
isguided and oronic.

Just come with me to Raj's.

Well, I don't want
to go to a party.

It's not a party.
It's the same group of people

who hang out here
hanging out over there.

I'm sorry, but five people
eating and chatting is a party.

How come it's not a party
when we do it here?

Because we don't
throw parties.

I don't know
what to tell you, Sheldon.

I'm going to see Priya.
Everyone's over there.

You coming or not?

Well, no, sir,
and do you know why?

In a word: tradition.

Every Thursday night
for the last eight years,

you and I and our friends
have gathered here

in this very spot to break bread
covered with cheese and sauce,

discuss the issues
of the day,

and yes, share a laugh or two.

But I guess our rich heritage
means nothing to you.

I guess you're right.

- See you later.
- Wait!

Leonard! Wait!

What am I going
to do for dinner?

Come with me to Raj's
and eat there.

I can't do that.

What if he serves haggis
and blood pudding?

I really doubt
that's what he'll serve.

But what if he does?

I'll be obliged to dine

on liver and lungs stuffed
in a sheep's stomach.

And frankly, blood pudding is
essentially the same thing.

I don't know why
he's serving both.

What do you want to do?

You want to come with me, or
do you want to sit here alone?

No, I'll go
to your haggis party.

But I'm telling you.

This is adness. This is utter
and complete adness.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 4x17 ♪
The Toast Derivation
Original Air Date on February 24, 2011

- Oh, dear!
- What?

Raj's television.

I just realized

we're about to spend an evening
watching a plasma screen

with a cluster of dead pixels
in the upper left-hand corner.

So don't watch TV.

Read a book.

And be a social pariah?

Oh, you know
that's not my style.


The audible sigh is a show
of exasperation, right?


Is it about me
or the dead pixels?

Hey, you're
just in time.

We made Tex-Mex.

Oh, sounds great.

Oh, Indians
making Tex-Mex.

Might as well have had
the Chinese pizza.

Hey, you.


That's got to be fun
for you, huh?

Watching Hofstadter
suck the saliva

out of your sister's mouth?

Excuse me. Before this evening
goes any further,

we need to decide
where everyone is going to sit.

There is no assigned seats,

Just sit anywhere.
Make yourself comfortable.

Oh, what fun.

We're like hippies at a love-in.

Just sit here.

Right on, man. Right on.

Oh, look.

it's Harry Potter and 98%
of The Sorcerer's Stone.

Okay, we've
got fajitas

with all the fixins,
so you make your own.


Dinner, some
assembly required.

Do you want a margarita,

A margarita?!

Where are we?!
What is happening?!

Oh. Hey, Sheldon.

What can I get you?

Water. Neat.

With a little umbrella.

Where are all your friends?

Sadly, Penny, this evening,
I am the Dark Knight,

roaming these
mean streets alone.

A windbreaker for my cape,

and a stern expression
for my cowl.


Excuse me?

Isn't this the point
where the world-weary barkeep

wipes down the bar

and coaxes the woes
out of the troubled patron?

Well, I was getting your
stupid umbrella, but all right.

What's troubling you, buddy?

I don't think your heart's
in it, but since you asked...

Apparently, because
Leonard is dating Raj's sister,

we're all forced
to hang out at his apartment.

Oh, the horror.


Yeah, at one point,
Raj put on reggae music,

and his sister
took off her shoes.

It was like the last days
of Caligula.

Oh, I have to get this.



what she's exasperated about.


Sheldon, are you all right?

When last we spoke,
you were going to

take a taxi home from Raj's,
but according to Facebook,

you just checked in
at the Cheesecake Factory.

Yes, I was in a taxi,

but the driver
didn't look at all

like the photograph
on his license,

so I leapt out and ran for it.


There you go.

Just like recovering alcoholics
drink in the Caribbean.

Hi, bestie.

Oh. Hi, Amy.

How you been?


From this angle,
I can see up your nose.

Yeah, it's a great time
to be alive, isn't it?

Don't worry.
My problems can wait

while you two hens
finish your clucking.

Look, Sheldon, Leonard
is dating Priya.

She is staying with Raj.

That means you're all probably
gonna be hanging out there more.

Penny, I'm sorry
you got dragged into this.

I know you're devastated

that your ex-boyfriend
has found an exciting new lover

with flawless,
caramel-colored skin.

Okay, I'm not upset
about Leonard and Priya.

Your flaring nostrils
indicate otherwise.


Sheldon, look at me.

I think it's time

to face the fact

that Leonard is the nucleus
of your social group.

Where he goes, the group goes.

Leonard the nucleus?

That makes no sense.

I'm the whimsical elf

that everyone looks to
for a good time.

I'm not saying
that you're not fun.

You're the most fun person
I know.

A lot of people think
I'm fun to be around.

Don't be needy, bestie.

That's probably part
of what chased Leonard away.

What I am saying, Sheldon,

is that your group
is Leonard-centric.

If it were a town,
it would be Leonardville.

If it were an Islamic nation,

If it were the birthplace
of motion pictures,

we'd all be singing
"Hooray for Leonardwood."

Ooh, I got one.

If you guys were a band,

you'd be called Leonard
and the Leonards.

So needy.

What you doing?

I'm setting out snacks.

You do realize everyone's eating
at Raj's again tonight.

I didn't say the snacks were
for you now, did I, Nosy Rosie?

You're having people over?

Yes. Must be killing you
wondering who.

Fine, I'll tell you.

Stuart from the
comic bookstore,

Barry Kripke from
the university,

Penny's ex-boyfriend Zack

and TV's LeVar Burton.


LeVar Burton's coming here?

Possibly. I Tweeted him.

Okay, well, tell him
I loved him on Star Trek.

Please, Leonard, stop trying
to horn in on my new friends.

Of course. Good night.


We had a good run, you and I.


But change is a part of life.

It certainly is.


I have guests coming.

I'm afraid I'm going to have
to ask you to leave now.

I am leaving.

Don't make this harder
than it is, Leonard.

Good-bye, Sheldon.

And good-bye to you, sir.

He'll be back.

Of course I'll be back.

I live here!

Well, it would appear

LeVar Burton
won't be joining us.

Let's get started.

I thought we'd begin
by going around the room,

introducing ourselves

and saying a little bit
about why we're here.

I'm Sheldon.

Uh, for regular readers

of The New England Journal
of High Energy Physics,

I need no introduction.

If you're not familiar

with that publication,

there's a free copy
in your goody bag.


Um... Hi.

I'm Stuart.

I run a comic bookstore,

which for financial reasons,
I'm currently living in.

And I guess

what I'm hoping for most out
of tonight is a hot shower.

It's very
nice, Stuart.


I'm Zack, and I'm, uh...


Could you come back to me?

Of course.


I'm Barry Kwipke, and I'm here

because you told me
there was going to be a whaffle.

When is the whaffle?

Patience, patience, Barry.

The whaffle...

The raffle is the grand finale

to an evening-long festival
of fun and folly.

- One more question...
- Yes, you must be present to win.

Okay, I'm ready.

I'm Zach, and I'm, uh...

Oh, crap, why is this so hard?

Oh, hey.

Yo, P-dog.

What's up?

We're here to kidnap you

for a girls' night out.

the term "kidnap"
is being used playfully.

I kind of figured that.

Good. Now put this pillowcase
over your head.


She used to be much more fun,

until Leonard punched her
in the heart.

We just thought you
might want to go out

and have a good time,
maybe go dancing.

Oh. Gee, thanks, but I'm
not really in the mood.

You do understand
that it will distract you

from obsessing
over the rich variety

of sweet loving
that your ex-boyfriend

is currently receiving
from the fiery jewel of Mumbai.

Okay, look,

if I agree to go out
with you guys,

will you promise
to stop pestering me

about Leonard and Priya?


All right. I'll go change.
Come on in.

If you'd have let me
bring the chloroform,

we wouldn't have had to put up
with all this jibber-jabber.

Anyway, after we
get done snowboarding,

I go back to the lodge
and get in the Jacuzzi.

There's no one around, so
naturally, I'm free-balling it.

Next thing I know,

this beautiful chick shows up,

drunk out of her skull,
wants to get in with me.


Was it a Jacuzzi or a hot tub?

Really? That's
your question?

What's the difference?

"Jacuzzi" is a commercial brand.

"Hot tub" is the generic term.

I.E., all Jacuzzis

are hot tubs,

but not all
hot tubs are Jacuzzis.

Is that like
all thumbs are fingers,

but not all fingers are thumbs?

Surprisingly, yes.


Now, what exactly are toes?

Can you please get back
to the drunk girl?

I'd like something to think
about in the shower.

Oh, yeah.

Right. Anyway, she takes off
all of her clothes,

climbs into the hot tub,
and the first thing I notice...

The water level rose.


Of course it did.

It's said that Archimedes,

the ancient Greek mathematician,

discovered the principle
of displacement

while taking a bath.

Go ahead, Zack.

Naked drunk girl,
free-balling, continue.

Forgive me,
but I think you'll find

my story is
more interesting.

Does yours
have wet breasts in it?


It has a gold crown.

You see, the king

wondered how much gold was in it

and charged Archimedes with
coming up with the solution.

Because the crown was
irregularly shaped,

there was no way
to mathematically

determine its volume.

But, while bathing,
Archimedes realized

he could immerse the crown

and measure the amount
the water rose.

So, long story short,
I nailed her.

When he finished,
he shouted "Eureka!"

No, I always shout, "Holy moly!"

Don't know why.
Just do.

All right, that concludes

the "getting to know you"
portion of the evening.

Who's ready to play some
vintage video games?

And tonight's selections include

ColecoVision's "Smurf Rescue
in Gargamel's Castle,"

Atari's "Cookie Monster Munch,"

and for you
text adventure aficionados,


Pick me, pick me. I'm fun.

That all sucks
the big hairy meatball.

How about I go get

the karaoke machine
out of my car,

get plastered and blow
the roof off this place?

Great, I'll make a beer run.

And I'll take a shower.

We'll meet back here in 15.


I'm unhappy.

This is delicious.

Where'd you learn
to make chili?

When I was at
university in England,

my flatmate was
from Texas.

I hope she wasn't anything
like my flatmate from Texas.

Sheldon is a bit
quirky, isn't he?

Oh, please.
That crazy bastard's looking

at quirky
in the rearview mirror.

Did you know that,
per our roommate agreement,

I have to wash my feet
before I get in the shower?

And not in the sink.

We each have special buckets.

Raj, did you ever
tell your sister

about the time Sheldon
got punched by Bill Gates?

- Oh, God, you're kidding.
- Nope.

Gates gave a speech
at the university.

Sheldon went up to him
afterwards and said,

"Maybe if you weren't
so distracted

by sick children in Africa,

you could have put a little more
thought into Windows Vista."

Bam. Right in the nose.

Made me proud to own a PC.

I'd like to propose a toast

to a rare and wonderful
Sheldon-free evening.

Hear, hear.

You realize that's the first
time we've ever done that

without having
to listen to Sheldon tell us

why it's called a toast?

Why is it
called a toast?

Oh, the ancient Romans

put spiced toast
in their punch bowls.

Sheldon tells it better.

He kind of does.


Aw, hell, I miss him.

So, where do you guys
want to go dancing?

We were hoping
you'd know a place.

Yes, perhaps somewhere
packed tightly

with young, beautiful bodies

sweating and writhing
against each other

in a glorious orgy
of the flesh.

Oh, yeah, I know that place.

What do you think?

That should display enough
of your bosom

to attract a new mate,
or a hungry infant.

Okay, let's go
through this one more time.

Just because
Leonard has a new girlfriend

does not mean I need to go out
and hook up with some guy.

But you could
if you wanted to, right?

Well, yeah, I guess.

Pick out the hottest guy
in the room,

take him home,
do unspeakable things to him,

then kick him to the curb
with a smile on his face

and teeth marks on his heinie?

More or less.

What's that like?

I don't know.

It's fun while
you're doing it.

And then after,
it's mostly embarrassment,

and regret.

I would take that deal
all day long.

Yeah, well, it's not
gonna happen tonight.

You know, for the
first time in my life,

I am not
in a relationship,

and I'm totally
okay with it.

You know, if being on
your own is new to you,

I'd be happy to share some
tension-relieving techniques

for ladies I've perfected
over the years.

For example, do you have
an electric toothbrush?

Um, no.

You should get one.

What's that?

It appears
to be something preserved

between two pieces of acrylic.

Oh, it's a snowflake
from the North Pole.

Leonard gave it
to me last year.

Oh, God, that is so romantic.

Yeah, it was.

Leonard's really one of a kind.

Saying that
while holding a snowflake

is a bit heavy-handed,
don't you think?

Let me see that.

Oh, screw it.

I can deal with
a little self-loathing.

Let's go find me
a heinie to bite.


And if we fail,
we can always stop at CVS

and pick you out
a nice toothbrush.

I call mine "Gerard."

That's kind of creepy.

♪ Don't go breaking
my heart ♪

♪ I couldn't
if I tried ♪

♪ Oh, honey,
if I get restless ♪

♪ Baby, you're
not that kind ♪

♪ Don't go
breaking my heart ♪

Anybody do "Walking
on Sunshine" yet?



I'm sorry, Sheldon
bought a loom

and learned
how to weave?

He actually
got pretty good.

He made us
all matching serapes.

I still wear mine
when there's a nip in the air.

Now, was this before

or after he adopted
the 25 cats?

Long before the cats.

I think it was
around the time he tried

to declare our apartment
a sovereign nation.

I still have some
of the currency.

All my friends.

All my friends.

All my friends.

I think it's like Beetlejuice.

We said his name too many times.

Come on in.
Thank you.

Hey. I thought you were
with your new buddies.

I had to leave.

They were having fun wrong.

Come here, Sheldon.
Sit here with me.

Thank you.

Would you like some
homemade chili?

Are there beans in it?


Then it's not chili.

Real chili has no beans in it,

but you're
from a foreign land,

so your ignorance
is forgiven.

Sheldon, do you want some
or not?

Yes, please.

Your girlfriend's a
little short-tempered.

I'd like
to propose a toast

to friends,
no matter how quirky.


Priya, do you know
why this is called a toast?

Actually, I do.

I believe the Romans
used to put spiced toast

in their punch bowls.

She's also a bit
of a know-it-all.

Mmm. This is good.

Whatever it is.

♪ I'm walking on sunshine ♪

♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Whoa ♪

♪ I'm walking on sunshine ♪

♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Whoa ♪

Hello? I...

♪ I'm walking on sunshine ♪

♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Whoa ♪

Oh, I don't think so.

I am so done with Twitter.