The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 4, Episode 16 - The Cohabitation Formulation - full transcript

Bernadette makes Howard choose between herself and his mother, while Penny and Raj become upset when Priya returns to town and resumes her relationship with Leonard.

Previously on The Big Bang Theory:

Guess who I found
at LAX? My baby sister, Priya.

It's nice to see you again, Leonard.

Yeah, it's good to see you too.

- Here you go.
- Thanks.


- You slept with my sister?
- Yeah.

- This is a terrible betrayal.
- Would it help...

...if I told you that I offered her my heart
and she kind of stomped on it?

- How hard did she stomp?
- Very hard.

Okay, I'm good.


- What's so funny?
- Nothing.

Just thinking about the noises
people make during sex.


I do sometimes get a bit carried away,
don't I? Ha, ha.

It's cute.

You sound a little like
a drunken monkey.



You know, it's meant as a compliment.
Ha, ha.

That's how I take it.


This is perfect.

- I hope this moment never ends.
- Me too.


- Well, gotta go.
- Oh.

- Already? Why don't you stay over?
- Well, I'd love to...

...but you know my mother
needs me in the morning.

Please, I think the woman can manage
to put a wig on by herself.

Look, it's not just the wig.

It's pinning her hair up, drawing
on her eyebrows. It's a two-person job.

It's just...

When you leave right after
we make love, it makes me feel cheap.

- Oh, honey, I'm sorry. What can I do?
- Stay.



Like, what, another five, 10 minutes?

- Go home.
- Your call, eh?

Howard, have you ever considered us
living together?

Boy, I don't know.

You, me, Ma,
living under the same roof? Ha, ha.

No. I mean just you and me.

You can move in here,
or we can find a place.

- I've got a solution.
- What?

Wait for my mom's heart to explode
from all the salt she eats.

Stick her in the ground, flip her mattress
and move into the bedroom.


Look at us. Planning a future together.

Who's there? Are you a sex criminal?

Sex criminals don't have keys, Ma!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Where were you so late?
- I was out with Bernadette!

I know what that means!

I watch Dr. Phil!

I hope to God you used a condom!

HOWARD: I'm not having this conversation
with you, Ma!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: God forbid you get one
of those new fancy sex diseases!

HOWARD: Nobody has a disease!
- I hope not!

I share a toilet with you.

Is that what you want?
To give your mother herpes?

I don't have to take this!

Good luck with your eyebrows
in the morning!

Who's there? Are you a sex criminal?

I'm still leaving, I just forgot my Claritin!

- Hey, what's up?
- I need a place to crash.


- Why?
- Big fight with my mother.

Hmm. Still arguing over
which CSI is the best?

No, we agreed
they all have their merits.

This was about Bernadette.

- What's going on?
- Howard's gonna sleep here.

- He had a fight with his mother.
- Did you offer him a hot beverage?


Leonard, social protocol states
when a friend is upset... offer a hot beverage
such as tea.

Tea does sound nice.

You heard the man, Leonard.

While you're at it, I'm upset that
we have an unannounced house guest... make me cocoa.

Point of inquiry, given that
Leonard is your secondary friend...

...and Koothrappali
is your primary friend...

...why didn't you seek refuge
under his roof?

There's no room.
His sister is staying with him.

Wait, wait. What?

Cocoa, Leonard. Focus.
I'm down in the dumps here.

- What? Priya's in town?
- Yeah, some work thing.

My mother seems to think
that Bernadette...

- Hold on, when did Priya get here?
- I don't know, a couple days ago.

Bernadette doesn't like
that I take care of my mother...

...and my mother
doesn't trust Bernadette.

Yeah, that's a real pickle. Bye.

Don't worry, as your tertiary friend, I am
prepared to step in and comfort you.

- That's not really necessary.
- No. I'll finish making the tea...

...while you narcissistically ramble on
about whatever's troubling you.

- Thanks.
- That's what tertiary friends are for.

RAJESH: Who is it?
- It's Leonard.

You can't come in.

- Well, I just wanna talk to her.
- I forbid it.

- Open the door, Rajesh.
- You heard me.

I forbidded it.

Forbidded it?

Forbaded it?

Get out of the way.

- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?

- I have business in Los Angeles.
- Why didn't you call?

Clearly she was sending you a message
to take a hike, Mike.

I'm sorry. I thought about calling...

...but I wasn't sure
if seeing you was such a good idea.

I know, last time I came on too strong.

- Can we talk in private?
- No.


It's inappropriate for a single woman
to entertain a man in private.

If you insist on talking,
do it on the couch.

All right, you may talk in the bedroom,
but I want this door to remain open.

Just this once you may close the door.

But keep in mind I'll be right out here
monitoring the situation.

Oh, damn it.

Leonard, when you get this message,
call me.

Priya, this your brother.

When you get this, tell Leonard
to check his voicemail.

Would you be sleeping over again
this evening?

Because you're welcome to.

Very nice of you,
but I made other plans.

Just keep in mind that should you ever
need a slightly apathetic tertiary friend...

...I stand at the ready.

- Hi, Howard. Hi, Sheldon.
- Hello.

Why are you holding hands?
I forbid you to hold hands.

Rajesh, you know Leonard and I
spent the night together.

Yeah, but you were just sleeping
because I forboded you to have sex.

The word is forbade.

You sure? That doesn't sound right.

Listen, Rajesh, Leonard and I
decided to see each other again...

...and you don't get to tell me who I can
or can't have a relationship with.

Actually, he can.

The Hindu Code of Manu
is very clear in these matters.

If a woman's father is not around...

...the duty of controlling
her base desires...

...falls to the closest male member
of her family, in this case, Raj.

The code also states
that if she disobeys...

...she will be reborn in the womb
of a jackal and tormented by diseases.

If true, that seems like an awfully large
gamble, given that the prize is Leonard.

There it is, Priya. We're Indian.
We believe this stuff.

It also says that if you eat beef... need to live with cows
for three months and drink their urine.

Some makes sense, some is crazy.

My point is
you can't go out with Leonard.

- Who can't go out with Leonard?
- My sister.

Penny, this is Raj's sister, Priya.

- It's very nice to meet you.
- Oh, yeah. You too.

Priya, if you're experiencing
any tension or awkwardness... may stem from the fact
that Leonard and Penny used to...

...if I may quote Howard,
"Do the dance with no pants."

- Sheldon.
- Really?

Hey, Bernadette. Can I talk to you?


Penny, you became disenchanted
with Leonard as a lover.

Would you please tell my sister why.

My mom's going to Palm Springs
to visit her sister.

That's two nights in a row
I can sleep over with you.

Unless the air dries her sinuses... which case I'll have to schlep
out there with the humidifier.

That's your big solution
to all of our problems?

If your mom's nose holds up,
we get two nights together?

- Isn't that great?
- No, it's not great.

You need to make a choice.
Me or your mother.


- Wrong answer.
- No, wait, you didn't let me finish.

- I'm listening.
- Uh...


I came as quickly as I could.

Okay. Why?

To comfort you, of course.

Sheldon told me about
Leonard dating Rajesh's sister... I hightailed it over here to pick up
the pieces of your broken heart.

Okay. Amy, I'm fine.

You don't have to be strong for me.

Now, let's talk about Priya,
that man-stealing bitch.


In situations like this, best girlfriends
are often catty about the other woman.


No, really, I am not upset
about Leonard and Priya.

Oh, then perhaps you don't understand
what's going on.

Your former boyfriend has replaced you
with a very suitable mate.

Arguably much more suitable than you.

Oh, well, good for him.

Hey, what do you mean
"more suitable"?

Well, granted, Penny, you're secondary
sexual characteristics are bodacious...

...but Priya is highly educated,
she's an accomplished professional...

...she comes from the culture that wrote
the book on neat ways to have sex.

You, on the other hand,
are a community-college dropout...

...who comes from the culture
that wrote the book on tipping cows.

Yeah, okay. I got it. I got it.

So, what is all that stuff?

This is a portable

I'm doing research on emotions
and brain activity.

When you start crying, I can see
which region of the brain is activated.

Then I'll stimulate the analogous area
in a rhesus monkey and see if he cries.

Cool, huh?


I choose you.

- Really?
- Yep.

I moved out of my mother's house.
The cord is cut. I'm all yours.

What did she say when you told her?

I don't know, she hasn't responded
to my email yet. Ha, ha.

- This is so great.
- Ha, ha.

- I love you, Howard.
- I love you too.

- So, what's for dinner?
- Um...

I don't have much of anything
in the house.

That's fine. Why don't we go
fool around in our bedroom?


And then you can go shopping.

I thought maybe after we eat
we could see an early movie.

I'd love that.

I love the way you say, "I'd love that."

She says it the same way I do.

I'd love that. Everybody in India
says it that way. It's not a big deal.

- Rajesh, don't be a child.
- I'm not being a child.

Leonard, if your sister ever comes
to town, I shall have my way with her.

My sister's 38 and married.

All the more shame that will fall upon
the house of Hofstadter!

- Ooh! I thought I smelled pizza.
- That's remarkable.

If pepperoni were
an explosive substance... could replace German Shepherds
at our nation's airports.

- Hi. Penny, right?
- Oh, yes, hi.

Sorry, didn't know you had company.
I don't wanna impose.

It's not an imposition.

At this point in our ecosystem,
you are akin to the plover...

...a small scavenging bird...

...that eats extra food
from between the teeth of crocodiles.

Please, fly into our open maw
and have at it.

If I had more than a box of baking soda
I wouldn't have to take that.

Hi, bestie.


- So, um, Priya, you're a lawyer, right?
- I know, pretty boring, huh?

Oh, come on, it's not boring at all.

Uh, she's currently helping set up
a secondary derivative market...

...which would allow overseas car firms
to hedge their investments...

...against potential advancements
in battery technology.

Thank you, Leonard.
That doesn't make it sound boring at all.

LEONARD: I'm sorry, but...
- How you holding up?

I'm fine.

Who are you kidding?
She's breathtaking.

So, Penny, Leonard tells me
you're an actress.

- That must be pretty exciting.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's real great.

Today I drove to an audition I thought
was gonna be for a cat food commercial.

Turned out to be porn.

Did you get the part?

I didn't do the audition.

Given the state of your career,
can you really afford to be picky?

I took acting classes
when I was at Cambridge. I loved it.

- We did Taming of the Shrew.
- Oh, wow, I love Taming of the Shrew.

I did a paper on it in high school.

Who knows not where a wasp does
wear his sting?

- In his tail.
- In his tongue.

- Whose tongue?
- Yours, if you talk of tails...

...and so farewell.

What, with my tongue in your tail?


I'm regretting my earlier cattiness.
She is an absolute delight.




Wow indeed.

- I can't believe we're living together.
- Yeah.

You know what would make this

- What?
- A little snack.

You got any string cheese?

No. I might have some cheddar.

Not as good.
You can't make strings with it.

Remind me to put it
on your shopping list.


- Do you have hypo-allergenic detergent?
- No.

Better put it on the list.

If you wash my underwear with regular
soap, I get little bumps on my tuchus.


Wait a second,
I'm doing your laundry?

Well, honey, it's not gonna do itself.
Heh, heh.

Oh, tomorrow morning
you're driving me to the dentist.

I have to take you?

You don't have to take me.
You get to take me.

Wait a minute, are you telling me your
mother usually takes you to the dentist?

Well, it's not weird. There's lots of kids
there with their moms.

I can't believe this.

What? It's fun.

If I have no cavities,
afterwards we go out for a treat.

let's get something straight right now.

I am not going to be your mother.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where did that come from?

Who's there? Is it a sex criminal?

Nobody wants to do that to you, Ma!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Where were you?
- Didn't you read my email?

MRS. WOLOWITZ: You know I can't turn on
that farkakt computer!

I left you some brisket
on the kitchen counter.

Thank you!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Remember to floss after,
we have the dentist in the morning!

- Oh, hey. What's up?
- I wanted to check in on you.

- Why?
- Seems like the appropriate thing to do...

...when one's best friend finds herself
replaced by a smart, beautiful woman...

...with the smoldering sexuality
of a crouched Bengal tiger.

I already told you, I'm okay with it.

I mean, if anything, I'm quite pleased
that Leonard has found someone...

...that makes him so happy.

- Oh, it's okay, it's okay.
- Thank you.

Let's get these electrodes

...and see what's going on
in that noggin of yours.



I smell Chinese food.

It's actually Thai. You're slipping.

- Are Leonard and Priya here?
- They went to Catalina for the weekend.

- Oh, where's Raj?
- At home, forbidding it.

How about Howard?

I'm given to understand his mother
grounded him for running away.

Oh, okay.

Well, I guess
it's just the two of us, huh?

Actually, it's the three of us.

What up, bestie?

Good news. Thanks to you, I was able
to make a rhesus monkey cry... a disgraced televangelist.


- So you feeling better?
- Not really.

- Sheldon, you have a guest who's upset.
- Right. I'll make tea.

- It's okay, I don't want tea.
- I'm sorry, it's not optional.