The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 2, Episode 21 - The Vegas Renormalization - full transcript

After being dumped by Leslie, Howard heads to Las Vegas with Leonard and Raj. Meanwhile, Penny is forced to take in Sheldon after he locks himself out of his apartment.

Are you from the Star Wars universe?


- Were you in the original trilogy?
- Yes.

Is there a picture of you in my wallet
wearing a metal bikini?

God, I hope not.

- No, I'm not Princess Leia.
- Okay, my turn.

Are you in all six Star Wars movies?

- Yes.
- Interesting.

- Are you a droid?
- Yes.

Do you kind of look like a shiny Sheldon?


- C-3P0.
- You got it.

That's preposterous.
I do not resemble C-3P0.

Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered,
I just don't see it.


Leslie Winkle. Ahem.

You've reached Friends with Benefits.

For a booty call, press 1 now.

What exactly does that expression mean,
"friends with benefits"?

Does he provide her
with health insurance?


Look, imagine you maintained a friendship
with someone you had sex with...

...but you were free to date
whoever you wanted.

I'm sorry, I can't imagine any of that.

All right, back to the game.

I believe it's my turn.

You may begin your questions
whenever you're ready.

Are you Spock?

I don't like this game.

So where were we?

- Aren't you leaving for your booty call?
- No, it was something else.

Why does everything
have to be about sex with you? Come on.

Whose turn is it?

- We're up to you.
HOWARD: Great.

- Just start.
- Okay, let's see.

Are you from a TV series?

She dumped me.


I bet he's someone from Babylon 5.
We're never gonna get it.

What happened with Leslie?
Why did she dump you?

I don't know. She just said,
"Howard, Mama's a rolling stone."

Then her call waiting beeped,
and she was gone.

I don't understand.

If you were in a non-emotional

...then why are you having
what appears to be an emotional response?

he obviously had feelings for her.

Of course I had feelings for her.
I saw her naked for God's sake.

Okay, look,
you just need to get your mind off it.

Do you wanna go to the comic-book store,
maybe see a movie?

I don't wanna go anywhere.

You know...

...I'm given to understand
that there's an entire city in Nevada...

...designed specifically to help people
like Howard forget their problems.

We can replace them
with new problems such as alcoholism...

...gambling addiction
and sexually-transmitted diseases.

Is it me or was that Sheldon's way
of saying, "Vegas, baby"?

- I've never been there, have you?
- Me? No.

I just got "Vegas, baby!"
from Vince Vaughn in Swingers.

That could be fun, and I know
my weekend's wide open now that...


Okay, let's do this. Let's go to Las Vegas.

Now? Right now?

Why not?
People do things right now all the time.

Why can't we be "right now" people too?

Go home, pack a bag,
and we'll be "right now" people.

I have to stop at the drugstore
to refill a prescription...

...but after that, we'll go right now.

- What do you say, Howard?
- I say, Vegas, baby.

- What are you gonna tell your mother?
- SeaWorld, baby.

Hey, Sheldon, are you coming?

I'd rather have a blowfly lay eggs
and hatch larvae in my auditory canal.

Great, we'll bring you back a T-shirt.

Thank you.

Hello, neighbor.

Hello, Sheldon.

And how are you this fine evening?

- Great.
- Good, I'm glad.

Really? Are you drunk?

I'm just in a good mood.

While my compatriots are in Las Vegas...

...I will be enjoying a blissful evening
in my personal Fortress of Solitude.

That's Superman's big ice thingy, right?

You know, I'm in such a good mood,
I'm actually finding your tenuous grasp...

...of the English language
folksy and charming today.

Mmm. What smells so good?

That is the intoxicating aroma
of Kadhai Paneer.

A perfect culinary representation
of the freedom this evening holds.

Not only is it Indian cuisine,
which Koothrappali loathes... contains a generous helping
of peanuts...

...which would reduce Wolowitz
to a wheezing 97-pound blister.

And finally,
its main ingredient is paneer...

...a farmer's cheese that would cause
Leonard to render any room...

...uninhabitable within minutes.


- Well, enjoy your big evening.
- Penny?

I realize you're also on your own tonight.

So if at some point
you find yourself with nothing to do...

...please do not disturb me.

- Have fun, Sheldon.
- Oh, I shall.



What's wrong, Superman?
Locked out of your big ice thingy?

Look at this.

Mouthwash, lotion, body wash,
shampoo and conditioner...

...together in one tiny bottle.

I love Las Vegas.

Hey, Howard,
can I borrow some aftershave?

Black case, top compartment.

That's a lot of cologne.

First row are your musks.

Second is woods, leathers and botanicals.

Third is assorted pheromones.
Tread lightly.

That's the spirit, Howard.

Yes, we can.

Come on, let's go.

You guys go ahead.
I just have to finish up an e-mail.

That's not an e-mail,
that's Leslie's Facebook page.

Okay, fine.
I'm checking her Facebook page.

Look at her status update.

She's saying she dumped me.
People need to know I dumped her.

But she did dump you.

Grow up, Raj.
There's no place for truth on the Internet.

Just go. I'll catch up with you.

All right.

We should have a plan
in case one of us gets lucky.

Okay, uh...

If I get lucky, I'll take her to my stately
manor outside Gotham City...

...and if you get lucky,
I'll sleep on the moon.

Sounds like a plan.

Hang on, I think the emergency key
is around here somewhere.

We have a bowl.

Our keys go in a bowl.

You should get a bowl.

So how did the beautiful mind of Sheldon
Cooper forget his key in the first place?

I left them in the bowl.

Uh-oh. I remembered
where the emergency key is.

- Where?
- In your apartment.

What's it doing in my apartment?

I went in there a few weeks ago,
and you guys weren't home, and I forgot it.

You went in my...? Why would...?
What are you saying?

Not a big deal.
I was making coffee and ran out of milk.

You're the milk thief.

Leonard said I was crazy,
but I knew that carton felt lighter.

All right, Sheldon, calm down.
I'll call the building manager.

He'll come open your door.
Just eat here while you're waiting.

Eat my dinner in your apartment?

- Yeah, why not?
- Sure, why not?

And after the sun's down,
we can all pile in my pickup...

...and go skinny-dipping
down at the crick.

Because today's the day
that stopped making sense.

- Thanks.
- I'm telling you, Leonard.

Video slots, free drinks brought to us
by a bosomy barmaid...

...and all-you-can-eat shrimp for 3.95?

Disneyland can suck it.

This is the real happiest place on Earth.


Dude, check it out.
That's laundry for a month.



- What's your name?
- Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali.

Hello, Rajesh Ram...

Hi, Rajesh.

- I'm Mikayla.
- Hello, Mikayla.

So are you interested in a little party?

Oh, my, yes. I love to party.

"Party" is my middle name.

Or it would be if it weren't "Ramayan."

- Uh, Raj, can I talk to you for a moment?
- Not now, Leonard...

...Mikayla's inviting me to a party.

You'd better call the moon
and make sure they have a bed for you.

Yeah, I really need to talk to you.

Excuse me. I'll be right back.
Don't go anywhere. Don't move.

Just stay the beautiful unspoiled
American flower that you are.

What's wrong with you, dude?
That woman is all up on my jammy.

Okay, I hate to break this to you
and whatever your jammy is...

...but I'm pretty sure she's a prostitute.


- No.
- Okay, let me put it this way.

In your entire life, how many gorgeous
women have walked up to you at a bar...

...and asked if you wanted to party?

Maybe I can save her.

Maybe. But I'm guessing it'll cost you
about $500 an hour to try.

It was lovely meeting you.
Best of luck in your future endeavors.


Oh, I miss her already.


Oh, Howard's losing it.

Check out his latest Twitters.

"I'm at the bottom of a black hole
staring into the abyss.

My life is meaningless.
My future is without hope."

Why don't we take him
to see the Blue Man Group?

You think that'd help?

USA Today calls them
"Exuberant fun for the whole family."

I don't know. Howard isn't really
the "family fun" kind of guy.

It's too bad he wasn't here
for that hooker.

She's exactly his type:

A hooker.

You know, I bet if we hired her,
that would cheer him up.

We're not going to get
Wolowitz a hooker.


"I'm so lonely and horny...

...I may open this $20 jar of peanuts
and end it all."

I suppose it wouldn't hurt
to get an estimate.

So how was your day?

Are you trying to make small talk?

Oh, sweetie, you really don't have to.

No, it's the accepted convention.

How was your day?

Well, uh, they shifted my schedule around
at the restaurant, so my hours are different...

I'm sorry, that's not going to
interest me at all. Just eat.

Hello, again.

- Oh, hi.
- Yeah, hi. Listen, um...

...if you're not busy,
we were thinking maybe you could...

- We were wondering...
- If you're really a prostitute.

- You guys cops?

I'm a prostitute.

- Okay, great. Um...
- Heh, heh.

The thing is, we've got this friend,
and he's kind of down in the dumps...

...and we thought
maybe you could cheer him up.

With sex.

I think she knows what I meant.

How can she
when you beat around the bush?

She's from the mean streets, where
they shoot from the hip and keep it real.

Don't worry,
I can take good care of your friend.

Okay, terrific. Um...

Listen, is there a way that we can do this
where he doesn't know that you're a...

- You know...
- A prostitute.

You want the girlfriend experience.

Yes, yes. Exactly.
The girlfriend experience.

Actually, if it's not too much to ask...

...could we have
the Jewish girlfriend experience?

Okay, that's question 20.
You have to guess.

I don't know, Sheldon.

Are you Star Wars?

How can one person be a whole movie?

Okay, I give up.
Can we just do something else?


I was Spock.

Are you and Leonard
friends with benefits?


Are you and Leonard
friends with benefits?

Where did that even come from?

- Did he say we were?
- No, Leonard said nothing.

But who knows what goes on over here when
he pretends your mail was misdelivered?

Just mail, no benefits.

I see.

Why are you asking?

I'm curious about
the whole social construct.

On its face, the idea of satisfying
one's sexual appetite...

Assuming one is afflicted with such.

...without emotional entanglement,
that seems imminently practical.

What I've observed, however,
is Howard Wolowitz crying like a little girl.

Well, some people just can't handle
that kind of relationship.

Can you?

Excuse me?

Are you able to have sex with men without
developing an emotional attachment?

Sheldon, I really don't wanna
talk about this with you.

Is this conversation
making you uncomfortable?

Of course it's making me uncomfortable.
Can't you tell?

I really have no idea.

I don't particularly excel
at reading facial expressions...

I'm uncomfortable, Sheldon!

Thank you, that's very helpful.

All right,
where are these amazing shrimp?


You think this is the size of a baby's arm?

A little baby.

I'm going back to the room.

Boy, would it maybe kill them
to put out a nice brisket?

Hi, there. Howard Wolowitz.

Ester Rosenblatt.

I don't think the manager's coming tonight,
so here.

Are you suggesting I sleep on the couch?

Well, it wasn't the first suggestion
that came to mind...

...but it's the one I'm going with.

I can't sleep on your couch.
I sleep in a bed.

Given its dimensions,
I have no intention of living out...

...E.M. Snickering's beloved children's book,
The Tall Man From Cornwall.


There was a tall man from Cornwall
Whose length exceeded his bed

My body fits on it, but barely upon it
There's no room for my big Cornish head


All right, I will give you my bed
on one condition.

That you promise to zip your hole
for the next eight hours.

- May I say one last thing?
- Only if it doesn't rhyme.

All right.

Good night.

Turn-ons, let me see.

Reading a good book in front of the fire...

...long walks on the beach...

...and getting freaky on the Sabbath
with a bacon cheeseburger.

Really? Me too.

Oy gevalt, you're hot.


Excuse me for a moment.

- Hey. How's it going?
- Cut the crap. You set this up, didn't you?

- Yes.
- She's a hooker, isn't she?

A prostitute, yes.

- And you already gave her the money?
- Yes.

Thank you.



I can't sleep.

Maybe that's because
your hole is still open.

I'm homesick.

Your home is 20 feet from here.

Twenty feet, 20 light years.
It doesn't matter.

It's in a galaxy far, far away.

Damn it.

What do you want me to do?

Sing "Soft Kitty."

That's only for when you're sick.

Homesick is a type of being sick.

Come on, do I really have to?

I suppose we can stay up and talk.

Soft kitty

Warm kitty

Little ball of fur

Happy kitty


Sleepy kitty.

Sleepy kitty...


Start over.

Soft kitty

Warm kitty

Little ball of fur

Happy kitty

Sleepy kitty

Purr, purr, purr

- Penny?
- Yeah?

Thank you for letting me stay here.

Oh. You're welcome, sweetie.

Okay, I'm sleepy now. Get out.

Oh, good, you're finally home.

What were you doing at Penny's?

Well, we had dinner, played some games,
and then I spent the night.


You'll be happy to know that I now
have a much better understanding...

...of "friends with benefits."

[English - US - SDH]