The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 2, Episode 20 - The Hofstadter Isotope - full transcript

Leonard is so upset when a friend from the comic book store begins dating Penny that he convinces Howard and Raj to take him to a bar so that he can pick up a woman of his own.


- This is Thai food.
- Here we go.

We don't have Thai food on Thursday.
We have pizza on Thursday.

{pos(192,200)}Yes, but we all agreed
that the third Thursday

{pos(192,200)}of every month would be
Anything Can Happen Thursday.

Apparently the news didn't
reach my digestive system,

which, when startled,
has it's own version

of Anything Can Happen Thursday.

{pos(192,220)}Come on, the whole idea behind
Anything Can Happen Thursday

is to get out of this rut
we've been in lately.

I think you mean "consistency."

And if we're going to abandon that,
then why even call it Thursday?

{pos(192,220)}Let's call it "Quonko Day" and divide it
into 29 hours of 17 minutes apiece,

{pos(192,220)}and celebrate it by sacrificing
a goat to the mighty god Ra.

I could go for some goat.

Sheldon, we agreed
we'd do something different tonight.

All right.
Let's go to the comic book store.

We went there last night.

Last night was Wednesday.
Wednesday is comic book night.

Tonight, we'll be going on Thursday,

because it's
Anything Can Happen Thursday.

Way to think outside
but pressed right up against the box.

So what are we going to do tonight?

If I may proffer a suggestion,

in bars all across
this great nation of ours,

Thursday night is Ladies' Night.

Which means,
as the evening progresses,

we will get better looking
courtesy of 99 cent margaritas

and two-for-one Jell-O shots.

Come on, Howard, the odds of us

picking up girls in a bar
are practically zero.

Really? Are you familiar
with the Drake Equation?

The one that estimates
the odds of making contact

with extraterrestrials
by calculating the product

of an increasingly restrictive
series of fractional values

such as those stars with planets,

and those planets
likely to develop life?

N equals R times FP
times NE times FL

times FI times FC times L?

Yeah, that one.

You can modify it
to calculate our chances

of having sex by changing
the formula to use the number

of single women in Los Angeles,

the number of those who might
find us attractive,

and what I call
the Wolowitz Coefficient.

"The Wolowitz Coefficient"?

Neediness times dress size squared.

Crunching the numbers,
I come up with a conservative

5,812 potential sex partners
within a 40-mile radius.

You're joking.

I'm a horny engineer, Leonard.

I never joke about math or sex.

What are we waiting for?
Let's bounce, bitches.

You're right.

It's Anything Can Happen Thursday.
Let's hit the clubs and meet hot women!

Here we go.
Lock up your daughters!

We're going to hit it and quit it.

Or we could finish eating
and go to the comic book store.

Also a good plan.

But next Anything Can Happen Thursday,
we're definitely going to a bar.


You heard that, Ladies' Night ladies?
We're eventually coming for you!


Subtitles: The FW Team

- Hey, guys. Where're you headed?
- To the comic book store.

{pos(192,220)}You're probably thinking,
"The comic book store? On a Thursday?

{pos(192,220)}Why, I've fallen down the rabbit hole
and into a land of madness."

{pos(192,220)}What you have failed
to take into account,

{pos(192,220)}is that this is
Anything Can Happen Thursday.

You got me.

While you're there, could pick me up
a few comics for my nephew's birthday?

{pos(192,200)}I think you mean comic books.

{pos(192,200)}"Comics" are feeble attempts at humor
featuring talking babies

{pos(192,200)}and anthropomorphized pets

{pos(192,200)}found traditionally in the
optimistically-named "funny pages."

{pos(192,200)}Could you pick me up a few comics
for my nephew's birthday?

Sure. What does he like?

I don't know, he's 13.
Just pick out anything.

"Just pick out anything"?

{pos(192,200)}Maybe {t the same time}we can pick out a new suit
for him without knowing his size.

{pos(192,200)}Or pick out his career for him
without knowing his aptitude.

{pos(192,200)}Or pick out a new breakfast cereal
without knowing his fiber requirements.

{pos(192,200)}Or his feelings
about little marshmallows.

{pos(192,200)}- Spider-Man. Get him Spider-Man.
- Amazing Spider-Man,

{pos(192,200)}Ultimate Spider-Man,
Spectacular Spider-Man,

The Marvelous Adventures of Spider-Man,
Spider-Man 2099?

{pos(192,200)}You know this can go on all night.
Why don't you just come with us?

That's what I was trying to avoid.

I forgot Sensational Spider-Man.

What a cute, little store.

Everybody's staring at me.

{pos(192,200)}Don't worry, they're more scared of you
than you are of them.


Here, what about this one
for my nephew?

- A superb choice.
- Oh, great.

{pos(192,200)}Provided he has already read
Infinite Crisis and 52,

{pos(192,200)}and is familiar with the
reestablishment of the DC multiverse.

What's a "multiverse"?

{pos(192,200)}Get her out of here.

Come on, I'll help you
pick something.

That's right. She's with us.

Guys like that are so pathetic.

Tell me about it.

Look, a new Batman belt buckle.

Hey, Leonard.
Can I help you find something?

Hey, Stuart. This is Penny.
She's looking for some comic books.

Oh, really.

Blink twice if you're here
against your will.

I think we're fine, Stuart.

- Let me know if you need anything.
- Thanks.

He seems like a nice guy.

You mean for someone
who's into comic books?

I just meant for... yeah.

Just because people appreciate
comic books doesn't make them weirdos.

Stuart's a terrific artist.

He went to the Rhode Island
School of Design.

What about the guy over there

in the superhero T-shirt
tucked into his sweatpants?

Yeah, that's Captain Sweatpants.

He doesn't really help
the point I'm trying to make.

- Got it. Got it.
- Got it. Got it.

Need it!

Let it go.

Why? I saw it first.

- Yes, but I saw it from the front.
- A far less impressive feat.

Come on! I need this
for my Batman collection.

- I need it for my Robin collection.
- Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock?

Why would I gamble?
It's mine. Let go.

- You let go.
- No, you!


- He won't let go of my comic book.
- It's my comic book!

We need a ruling.

Cut it in half?

- Excuse me.
- Hello again.

Hi. What would you recommend
as a present for a 13-year-old boy?

A 13-year-old girl.

But if you're dead set
on a comic book, try...


What's this about?

A morally ambiguous confidence man

who smokes, has lung cancer

and is tormented
by the spirits of the undead.

If it doesn't make me the favorite aunt,
I don't know what will.

Is this me?

Depends. Do you like it?

- It's really good.
- Yes, that's you.

That's so sweet,
but what if I didn't like it?

It'd still be you,
but I'd feel like an idiot.

I don't believe it.
Stuart's putting the moves on Penny.

I have got to learn how to draw.

Once again, defeated
by your own prurient interests.

Guys, have you seen Stuart
all up in Penny's business over there?

Nobody's up in anybody's business.
Let's just buy our stuff and go.

Okay, you've got my number.

- Now, give me the picture.
- You drive a hard bargain.

But here.

All right.
So, just give me a call.

So, Leonard, how are you enjoying
Anything Can Happen Thursday?

Look at that.
That's a dent.

Thank you,
Howard "Ham-Fisted" Wolowitz.

Did you just shut the TV off
in the middle of the classic

Deep Space Nine/Star Trek:
The Original Series

"Trouble With Tribbles"
crossover episode?

Apparently so.

Are you ill?

All right.

Then is it fair to say
that you're experiencing

some sort of emotional turmoil
over the events

involving Penny
earlier this evening?

When did you pick up on that?

A moment ago, when you turned off the TV
{in the middle of }during the classic

Deep Space Nine/Star Trek:
The Original Series

"Trouble With Tribbles"
crossover episode.

Would you like some advice?

Sure, why not?

Then, this is the perfect
time to launch a blog

with an interactive
comments section.

Thanks a lot.

Would you rather I offer
my personal insight?

I don't need any insights.

I just want to know why Penny's
more interested in Stuart than me.

We're practically the same guy.

I disagree.

Stuart is taller,
artistic, self-employed

and, most significantly,
he gets 45 percent off comic books.

You're right. I really should be
asking strangers on the Internet.

My original point.

Chinese food, vintage video games...

After the nightmare of
Anything Can Happen Thursday,

this is Friday night
the way it was meant to be.

Who's up for Sheldon-Free Saturday?

Hey, Penny...
and Stuart.

- Hey, guys.
- So what are you kids up to?

Stuart has a piece in an art show
that's opening tonight.

And you guys are going together.

It is great.

Really great.

Freaking awesome.

- What are you guys doing?
- It's Friday night,

Chinese food and vintage
video games, right?

Vintage doesn't even begin
to describe what we have planned.

Tonight, we are playing the classic 1980
interactive text adventure, Zork.

It's the buggy beta version.

Zork. Well, you guys have fun.

- See you guys.
- See you, Stuart.

Hey, Howard?

Take me to a bar with women.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Let me just go inside
and slip off my underwear.


Well, if I get lucky, I don't want
to be caught in my Aquaman briefs.

Do you...? Let's go.

May I have a grasshopper
with a little umbrella, please?

- No, he may not.
- Why?

{pos(192,220)}I'm not sitting here with a guy

{pos(192,220)}drinking a grasshopper
with a little umbrella.

{pos(192,220)}Fine. I'll have a chocolate martini.

Wrong again!

{Come on, }You know I can't talk to women

unless I'm lit up
like the Hindu festival of Devali.

{Look, }There are plenty
of bars in Los Angeles

where you can order grasshoppers
and chocolate martinis,

but you wouldn't have to
because there are no women in them.


I'll have a Brandy Alexander.

All right, the Three Musketeers
just became the Dynamic Duo.

Should we talk
to some of these women?

It's way too early
in the night for that.

{See, }First we let the lawyers and the jocks
thin the herd, and then...

we go after the weak
and the old and the lame.

That's your system?

That's my system.

And if you spot a chick
with a Seeing Eye dog, she's mine.

Come on. I think it's nice

that Captain Sweatpants
showed up to your art opening.

Yeah, it would have been nicer
if he hadn't touched all the cheese.

You know, it's kind of early.

Do you want to maybe come in
for some coffee{ or something}?

Gee, it's a little late
for coffee, isn't it?

You think "coffee," means coffee.
That is so sweet.

Come on. I think I have decaf.

Good, Stuart.

I thought I heard your voice.
Do you have a moment?

- Yeah, I guess.
- Sheldon, we're a little busy{ here}, so...

- What are you doing?
- We're having coffee.

Isn't it a little late for coffee?

It's okay. She thinks she has decaf.

I'll just go look for it.

- What's up?
- I've spent the last three hours

in an online debate
in the DC Comics Batman chatroom,

- and I need your help.
- Yeah. Those guys can be very stubborn.

- What's the topic?
- I am asserting,

in the event
that Batman's death proves permanent,

the original Robin, Dick Grayson,

is the logical successor
to the Bat Cowl.

Sheldon, I'm afraid
you couldn't be more wrong.

More wrong?

Wrong is an absolute state
and not subject to gradation.

Of course it is. It's a little wrong
to say a tomato is a vegetable.

It's very wrong to say
it's a suspension bridge.

But returning to the original issue,
Dick Grayson became Nightwing,

a superhero in his own right.

Batman 2 has to be
the second Robin, Jason Todd.

Has to be? Has to be?

I hope you're being
deliberately provocative.

- I found the decaf!
- Great!

Herbal tea for me, please.


Alexander me.

How about those two?

They're eating peanuts.

And my allergies, one kiss would put me
in Cedars-Sinai for a week.

What about the ones in the corner?

Possible. Very possible.

{Do }You want the one in the whiplash collar
or the one who keeps blinking?

I think Blinky's cute.

You got it, sir.

Wait, so we just go over there?

We have a little prep work to do.

Put this in your mouth.
We walk past them, you stumble a bit.

I say, sorry,
my friend's had a little too much.

And then I start
to pull it out of your mouth.

And say, "A little too much fun."

Get it?

{I mean, }They're laughing, we're laughing.

Then we get them up
to about a .15 blood alcohol level,

and tell them we're millionaires.

What else you got?

Depends. Are you
willing to sit on my lap

and pretend to be
a ventriloquist dummy?

I can't sit on your lap.
You don't know the routine.

I'm sorry, but you're obviously stuck
in a pre-Zero Hour DC universe.

Of course I am.

Removing Joe Chill as the killer
of Batman's parents

effectively deprived him
of his raison d'?tre.

{Okay. You can }Throw all the French around you want,
it doesn't make you right.

Au contraire.

Plus, you're forgetting
that the Infinite Crisis storyline

restored Joe Chill
to the Batman mythology.

I am forgetting nothing
and I resent your tone.

Look, Sheldon, it's late.
I've got to get some sleep.

- So, I win.
- No, I'm tired.

So, I win.

- Fine. You win.
- Darn tootin', I win.

Penny, I really had
a terrific time...

No, don't wake her.

She'll maul you
like a rabid wolverine.

You know, I don't think
that was decaf.

Wait. Is this your card or isn't it?

Trust me. This was their card.

I thought you were good at this.

You're always talking about
how you go to bars and meet women.

I do, all the time.

Well, what happened?
We've been sitting here all night

and the longest conversation you've had
with a woman was when your mom called.

You're just going to make me
come out and say it{, aren't you}?

Say what?

You're weighing me down.

I'm a falcon who hunts better solo.

Fine. I'll sit here.
You take flight and hunt.

Don't be ridiculous.
You can't {just }tell a falcon when to hunt.

Actually, you can.

There's a whole sport
built around it.


Shut up.

Let's just get Koothrappali and go.

Lucky bastard.

It's got to be
that stupid accent of his.

Hello. I am Sanjay Wolowitz
from Bombay.

Okay, I'm stumped.