The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 12, Episode 3 - The Procreation Calculation - full transcript

The Wolowitzes' life gets complicated when Stuart starts bringing his new girlfriend home. Also, Penny and Leonard talk about starting a family while Koothrappali explores an arranged marriage.

So, Penny, we were talking
to our neighbors,

and they"re thinking of moving
and selling their house.

Really? Why?

Something about babies crying

and keeping them up all night;
It"s not important.

You guys should totally
take a look at it.

Then we could be neighbors.

Hey. Wait a minute,
what about us?

I mean, we"re married now.

Maybe we want to buy
the house next door.

Well, Amy, we can"t move.

I"d have to change all
the tags in my underwear.

You can buy new ones.

What... new house, new
underwear. What am I,

in the Witness
Protection Program?

Okay. Guys,
so what do you think?

Well, I don"t know,
w-we"re pretty happy here.

Yeah. Plus, if we moved,
we"d probably just get

a loft downtown.

Really? I always figured
we"d get a place with a yard.

Sure, yeah, that makes sense,

so you could shoot hoops
and mow the lawn?

How are you two married?

You were there. I wore her down.

He did.

You guys should"ve talked
about all this stuff

while you were dating.

I mean, me and Anu already know
so much about each other.

Wait, I forget,
is Anu your waxer?

No, that"s Annette.

Anu is the woman
my father fixed me up with.

We"re going
on our first date tomorrow.

Which reminds me,
I need to see Annette.

You"re really letting your
father pick out a wife?

Why not?

Arranged marriages have been
working for thousands of years.

Anu and I come
from similar backgrounds,

our families get along
and we each

filled out questionnaires, so we
know we"re not wasting our time

with someone
who"s not compatible.

That sounds so dry and clinical.

You lucky duck.

I just don"t think you
can truly know someone

until you"ve spent a
lot of time with them.

Really? What"s Penny's
dream vacation?

Malibu beach house.

That"s Barbie's dream vacation.

Maybe you should send us
that questionnaire.

Enjoying your book?

So much.

Why do you keep poking at it?

Fine, I"m shopping on my phone.

You"re the one who said
you wanted to read more.

Yes, I also tell people
I only feed the kids organic.

It"s just stuff you say.



How was your night?

It was great.
We went to an improv show.

Yeah. They asked the
audience to suggest a word,

and they used Stuart"s.

Cool, what was it?


It was such a good one.

It just came to me.

What are you guys up to? Reading.

Nice, I wish I read more.

Well, if it"s important,
you find the time.

You want to see my room?

Yeah. Cool.

How do you feel about this?

That she can clearly do better,
but that"s not for me to say.

No, with them in his room,
doing stuff.

Come on, we"re sitting
right out here.

They"re not gonna do anything.

I"d like to change my answer.

Wow, you really are
good at this.

Well, I"ve spent a lot of time
painting D&Dminiatures.

I know that makes you want
to rip my shirt off,

but wait until
your nails are dry.

It"s Raj.

He sent us that Indian marriage

Ooh, read one.Okay.

"How religious are you?"

That"s easy, both of us
Not at all.

No, I wouldn"t say not at all.
I mean, I am pretty spiritual.

I do go to yoga, so...

Great, so your church is
Our Lady of the Stretchy Pants.

Next question.

"How close are you
with your family?"

Pretty close.

I"m gonna say not too close,

but I"m hoping to get farther.

How do you feel about children?

Um, they"re okay, I guess.

I mean, if I saw one,
I wouldn"t throw a rock at it.

W-Why would you throw
a rock at a child?

I just said I wouldn"t.

The question is would you
like to have kids.

So, yeah, we want kids.

Yeah... someday.

Right, like,
in the next five years.

Sure, next question.

"How are you with pets?"

Well, I did take care
of Sheldon for 15 years,

and he only bit me twice.

I have to say, after reading
your questionnaire,

I feel like I already know you.

Totally. Me, too. Excuse me.

Can we please get
sparkling instead of tap,

some clean silverware
and find out

what they"re having?
That looks delicious.

Yes, ma"am.

Thank you.

So, you"re an astrophysicist.

Yes, ma"am.

I-I mean, just yes.

U-Unless you prefer "ma"am."

I don"t.Good, because you don"t
seem like a ma"am.

You seem more
like a sweet thang.

Wow. You are not good at this.

Well, if I was good at this,

I wouldn"t need
to be fixed up by my father.

I never thought I"d let
my family set me up, either,

but I"m 34,
I"d like to have kids

and it"s hard to date
because I work so much.

Yes, you"re a concierge.

For now. I plan to be managing
a hotel in the next five years.

Four, if I can get the current
manager out of the way.

He"s a smoker,
so fingers crossed.

I-I get it. You know, um,
I used to have a long list

of what I wanted from a wife.

Eyes like

Sandra Bullock,
hair like Sandra Bullock,

and the bravery of Ryan Stone.

That"s Sandra Bullock's
character in Gravity.

But now,

I-I just want someone nice.

I think I"m nice. Are you nice?

I"m definitely nice.

Every time a girl breaks up
with me she always starts with,

"You"re a nice guy."

Look, your whole sweet,
insecure thing is cute,

but honestly,
I have no time for that.

If you"re not
serious about this,

you need to walk away now.

I-I am serious.



O-Okay, w-what does this mean?

I think it means I might be
the future Mrs...


How would you feel
if I didn"t change my name?

A little hurt, but you wouldn"t
know, because I"m too nice.

Hey, want to get lunch?

I can"t.

Halley and Michael were up all
night, and I"m way behind here.

No, are they sick? No.

They were just laughing and
playing like a couple of jerks.

Boy, they"re cute,
but they ruin everything.

I get that.

You know,
I"ve been thinking lately

that maybe I don"t want kids.

Are you crazy?

Of course you want them.
It"s amazing.

You just said
they ruin everything.

I"m allowed to. It's their fault
I pee when I laugh.

Hang on, why is it crazy

to say I might not want kids?

It"s not crazy.

It"s just wrong.

You only think
you don"t want kids,

but once you have kids, you"ll
realize that you did want them.

Or I don"t want them, so I won't
have them, so back off.

Aw, you sound just like me
before I became a mom

and learned
what the meaning of love was.

Wow, I cannot believe how
condescending you"re being.

Look, I know it"s scary,
but you"re gonna be a great mom.

I know I"d be great, but the
point is I don"t want to be one.

Maybe you wouldn"t be great.
You kind of got a temper.

You know, not everyone needs
to have kids to be fulfilled.

You"re right,
you"ve got Leonard.

What more do you need?

Hey, guys.Hello. Hey.

How was your date?

Let me answer that
with a question.

How would you like to be
my best man?

Wait, you"re not seriously

marrying a woman
you"ve met once.

Why not? She"s nice, I'm nice.

We"re just as likely to be happy
as any other two people.

Maybe even happier.

Sorry, that was not
a swipe at you.

I didn"t think it was.

Yeah, good, "cause it was not."

Well, I, for one,

applaud Raj"s decision to
forgo emotional attachment

and find a life
partner by bowing

to a 3,000-year-old
authoritarian tradition.

What are you talking about?

You married a woman
you"re in love with.

I can"t believe you're throwing
that back in my face.

Why can"t you just be
happy for me?

Because you"re being dumb.

You don"t know anything
about her.

W-Well, how come you all
get to be married

and I have to stay single?

I think that"s a question
for a licensed professional.

You know what, you"re not
just insulting me.

Okay? You"re insulting
my family, my culture

and my future bride, Anu,

a vegetarian with
a master"s degree from Cornell

whose favorite fruit
is pineapple.

Now, I"m not sure if this helps,
but did you know

that pineapples
were once so rare

that King Charles posed
for a portrait with one?

How does that help?

It helped me.
I"ve been trying to slide that

into a conversation for years.

Hey, honey, how was your day?

What"s wrong?

Raj is talking about

marrying this woman he just met.

I told him it was dumb,
and now he"s mad at me.

The same thing happened to me.

Penny said she didn"t want kids,

and I told her
she was being silly,

and she accused me
of being condescending.

Which is crazy, because
if I wanted to be condescending,

I would"ve said,
"Ooh, "condescending.'

That "s such a big word."

Why won"t our friends
just listen to us?

We obviously know what
we"re talking about.

I know.

We"re married,
we have great kids,

great jobs, this great house.

Hey, Leonard, remember yesterday

when we were talking about
having kids someday? Yeah?

Well, what if it wasn"t someday.

My God.

My God, are you pregnant?

No. No. No, no. No, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.



What I meant was,

what if, what if we
didn"t have kids?


I mean, our life is so great.

Why would we want
to change that?

Sure. Sure.


And I guess it would
be hard raising kids

in the-the loft you
never told me you wanted.

Well, wait, don "t be mad. I" m not mad.

Why would I be mad?

There"s nothing to be mad at!

You have to-to turn the thing.

I knew that!

Hi, Leonard. I"m not mad!

You"re awfully quiet.

Sorry. No, I like it.

Got a lot on my mind.

Would you like to talk about it?

Not really.

Grape Nuts for breakfast,
quiet car ride,

things are really
breaking my way today.

It"s just Penny hit me
with some pretty big news

and it"s a lot to process.

And you"d like to do that
quietly. I respect that.

She said she doesn"t want
to have kids.

Maybe she didn"t mean it,

like when you said you didn"t
want to talk about this.

Forget it.

Do you want to have children?

Well, I always assumed we would
and now I find out, you know,

I might be the last
of the Hofstadter line.

Doesn"t your brother
have children?

And your sister.
She kept the Hofstadter name

and has five healthy boys

Neil, Jeffrey, Scott,
William and baby Richard.

I"m going back to being quiet.


Hey. Mind if I sit?

Did you just come here to tell
me I"m making a gigantic mistake

by having this blueberry muffin

and I should"ve got
a cinnamon roll like you did?


Good, "cause I'm happy
with my choice."

Although that cinnamon
roll does smell good

if you"re open to halfsies.

Fine. Thanks.

Look, I"m sorry about yesterday.

You"re right. I-I was being...

My God, that is so good!

I can wait.

No... Sorry.

Go on.

I"ve known you a long time.

You believe in romance more than
any person I"ve ever met

and it"s hard to see you
give up on that.

But if you really think
marrying this woman

is gonna make you happy,

then you have my complete
and total support.

I will be with you
every step of the way.

Thanks, Howard.
That means a lot.

So, hey, is this wedding
gonna be in India?


What the hell, Penny?!

I"m gonna need more than that.

You"re not having kids?

How could you do this to me?

How is it any of your business?

Because your kids were supposed
to be friends with my kids.

Who"s gonna be friends
with them now?

They will find other friends.

Sure, "cause
Sheldon"s DNA plus my DNA

equals a kid who knows
how to make friends. Grow up!

This is between me and Leonard.

Screw Leonard! We were supposed
to get pregnant together.

We were gonna be barf buddies.

We were supposed to massage
each other"s perineums

with vitamin E.

I"m about to be
your barf buddy right now.

Listen, when you have kids,

I"m still gonna be there.

I"m gonna be their fun Aunt
Penny who gives them candy,

and teaches them swear words

and tells them stories about
what a weirdo their mother is.

I guess I could live with that.

What is gonna be hard is
letting go of the dream

of us breastfeeding
each other"s babies.

And it"s gonna be hard
to forget you said that.


What would you say if I told you

I was totally naked
under this robe?

I would say that sounds
pretty good.

Really? Well, I did not
see that coming.

One second.

Come on.

Wait. Stay in the mood.

I"ll put on our own music
and drown them out.

What"s this?

It"s from my workout mix.

It"s what I listen to when
I"m firming up my glutes.

Can you get him?


Hey, Howard. Yeah?

It looks like you could crack
a walnut in those glutes.

I can"t. I tried.


Hey. I-I made you dinner.

Your favorite In-N-Out Burger
out of the wrapper on a plate.

Thank you, but you don"t
have to do this. I"m fine.

I-I know it"s not a baby, but it
does leak when you pick it up.

Really? We"re joking
about this now?

No, look, I"m sorry.

I didn"t mean to just
drop all of this on you.

I-It just took me by surprise.

I-I always imagined having kids.

I know you did.

But I"ve imagined having
a lot of things

that I"m never gonna get

A Nobel Prize,
a working Batmobile.

But I also have a lot that
I never thought I"d have...

like you.

Are you sure that"s enough?


You"re really okay with this?
I am.

Hey, Daddy.

What"s this Leonard says

about you not wanting
to give me grandbabies?

He might feel differently. Bye.

I told my parents
our first date went well

and they got very excited.

Tell me about it.

My parents were so thrilled,

they actually spoke
to each other.

So that was a disaster.


Okay. I guess if we"re going
forward with this wedding,

we should talk about
the next steps.

Like themes and flowers?

Actually, finances and taxes.

We can"t use that.

"That was the theme
of my parents" divorce.

I know that money can
be a source of friction

in a new marriage and I
want us to avoid that.

Of course. Yeah, right.

That"s s-smart.

So, my accountant feels strongly

that we should file
separately the first year

and then we can re-evaluate
based on our joint assets.

You okay?

No, I can"t do this.

Why not?

Th-There"s something
you may not know about me

"cause, you know,
we"ve only met once, but...

I"m a hopeless romantic.

And you seem great

and I do want to get married.

I-I do want
to settle down, but...

this isn"t the story that
I want to tell my grandkids.

I understand.

I"m so sorry if
I wasted your time.


I know we don"t know
each other very well,

but you seem like
you"d make a good father

and you"re tall enough
so I can wear heels and...

I think that"s something
worth fighting for.

Will you marry me?

My God, my God.

Yes, of course, of course
I"ll marry you!

If you"d like to kiss me you can.

I should warn you I have
a tongue piercing.

You"re not that nice.

Are you gonna tell me
where we"re going?

Because if it has the words
"farmers" or "market" in it,

I don"t want to go.

You were talking
about all the things

you thought you
would never have,

so I thought I
would get you one.

My God.
You bought me the Batmobile?!

No. No.

No, no, no, no, no.

I rented you the
Batmobile for the day.

This is amazing. Thank you.

B-Be careful.
I-I did not get the insurance.

Come on, Robin!

Captioning sponsored by.