The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 12, Episode 2 - The Wedding Gift Wormhole - full transcript

Leonard and Penny give Sheldon and Amy a baffling wedding gift.

But I think, by the
end of the honeymoon,

we really started to feel
like a married couple.

But the good kind, like on TV,

- not like my parents.
- Yeah.

You're not a real married couple
until you can pee

with the door open
and she's okay with it.

I told you,
I'm not okay with it.

She loves it.

So, we got everybody gifts.


Did you forget about us

until you were at the airport?


We forgot about you
until we were on the plane.

there was Wi-Fi,

and I have Amazon Prime.

I heart New York.

Aw, the baby's gonna love
throwing up on this.

Look, it doesn't have
to just be New York.

That's the beauty of it.

Uh, the initials "N.Y."
can stand for anything you like.

For instance, I understand

that there is an elderly rock-and-roll
musician named Neil Young.

Perhaps you heart him.

Or if not him, Egyptian
table tennis silver medalist

Noha Yossry.

Or Nana Yamaguchi,

the Japanese voice actress

who starred in Sally the Witch.

Did you just Google
the initials "N.Y."?

I had Wi-Fi and a
long plane flight.

Draw your own conclusions.

Well, guys, that was very,
very thoughtful of you. I...

Did you get me a double XL?

- I told you.
- You were right, dear.

Episode Title: "The Wedding Gift Wormhole"

Sheldon, that's not how
you write a thank you card.

What's wrong with it?

"Dear Aunt Helen,

"thank you so much
for the lovely place setting.

"If my handwriting
looks strained,

"that is because
this is the 16th thank you card

"Amy has forced me to write.

"The muscles in my
wrist are cramping

"as I struggle to
finish this sentence.

"Ow, ow, oh, the pain.

Love, Sheldon."


"And Amy."


This one is from
Leonard and Penny.


"The perfect gift for
the perfect couple."

Save that card.
We may need

to throw it back in their faces.

I wonder what it could be.

Oh, could be anything.

A flute, a letter opener,

one of those pens

where you put the bikini
back on the naked lady.


Isn't this nice?

What is it?

You know, it's, uh,

it's one of those...

Nope, doesn't do that.

Oh, maybe it's candy.

Lick it.

I don't want to
lick it. You lick it.

I'm not gonna lick it.
I just brushed my teeth.

Is it from one of
your dumb sci-fi shows?

Uh, none of the sci-fi shows
I watch are dumb.

- Sheldon...
- Okay, Westworld.

But this has nothing
to do with that show,

other than it's
also inexplicable.

Well, Leonard and Penny
are our best friends.

They know us better than anyone.

They said it's the perfect gift.

We must be missing something.

You don't...

think it's a
marital aid, do you?

Don't be silly.
Amy, how is this big glass shaft

going to aid our marriage?

Do you think, when Krypto
the Superdog is out flying,

Superman has to fly after him
with a little baggie?

Hmm. Haven't really
thought about it before.

But he doesn't need a baggie,

because he just blasts
the poop with his heat vision.

You've thought about it before.

Oh, I've thought about it a lot.

What is wrong
with Stuart's face?

I think he's smiling.

Oh, my God, are they flirting?

They're way past flirting.

I caught them making out
at Sheldon's wedding.

Are you sure she wasn't trying
to breathe life back into him?

I don't think so.

When I used that much tongue
at CPR training,

I had to buy the dummy.

Ooh, I have class.
I should go.

Oh. Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

See ya, guys.

- Bye.
- Bye.

So, what's her deal?

Is she into you or
does she just hate her parents?

I-I don't know.

We kissed a little
at the wedding,

and it was great.

But we haven't really talked
about it since then.

So I-I don't know
how she feels about me.

Well, she patted you
on the head,

so I'm guessing she feels
like you're such a good boy!

Seriously, do you think
I should ask her out?


Don't let love get away.

It is the most important thing
in the world.

Without it, life is

dark and meaningless
and all you're left with

is the judgmental gaze
of your dog

as you finish off a bag
of Doritos on the toilet.


You're a real good pal.

And now you're a good boy!

I can't stop thinking
about that present.

It's driving me crazy.

Me, too!

The card said it was
the perfect gift.

But it's not a dinosaur fossil

or matching pocket watches,

so I don't see how it can be.

Maybe we're trying too hard.

Maybe it's something simple.

Like Leonard and Penny.

Yes, good.

We just need to think like them.


What gift can I get us

to express how grateful

we are o have us in their lives?

Way to make it simple.

I'm just gonna ask them.

No, you can't;
it'll hurt their feelings.

I'm okay with that.

And they'll know
you weren't smart enough

to figure it out on your own.

You're right.
Oh, this is awful.

And I can't even comfort
myself by stroking

the fossilized tibia
of a Pentaceratops.

Let's just go to sleep.

We'll look at it in the morning

with fresh eyes,
and maybe it'll come to us.


Or we go tear apart that box
and look for a clue.

Staying up past my bedtime
and solving mysteries?

Who knew married life
could be this good?

What's wrong with his face?

A lot of people
have been asking that.

He's... smiling.

Hey, Stuart,
you look pretty happy.

Oh, yeah.

I, uh, asked Denise out
on a date,

and she said yes.

That's great.

But don't smile like that
in front of Halley.

She just started sleeping
through the night.

Sorry. I'm excited.

I haven't been on a date
in a long time.

Back when I was dating,
I'd always wear

a new pair of underwear,
just in case.

It's also been a long time
since I bought new underwear.

And I probably should,

because these are no longer
tighty nor whitey.

Okay, I'm out.

If there's a chance
someone's gonna see you naked,

it's also polite to make sure

you're well-groomed down there.

I get it, Howard.
I've been busy!

- Hello.
- Hey.

I just wanted to pop over

and hand-deliver
this thank you note

for your very thoughtful

- wedding gift.
- Oh.

Oh, good.
You guys liked it?

Well, we liked it a lot more
than things that aren't it,

I'll tell you that.

Well, yeah, that's great.

Because when we saw it,
we thought, "Amy and Sheldon

- just have to have that."
- Oh, do tell.

Now, paint a picture for me,

like where you were
when you found it

and what you thought
we'd enjoy doing with it.

Do you not know what it is?

Of course he knows what it is.

the smartest man in the world.

Well, I don't know
about the world.

Some of those Chinese fellas
are pretty clever.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going

to return home and use your gift

in the manner
which it was intended.

He-He's never gonna
figure it out.

I know.

What are you?!

- Gosh, this makes me happy.
- Yeah.

Howard, I don't often say this,

but, good,
you're here. Now,

do you know

what Leonard and Penny got
us for our wedding gift?

- Well...
- Don't answer.

I don't want to know.

I just want to know if you know.

- I do know.
- Okay, great.

I believe that Amy and
I have figured it out.

Is it a clue to a scavenger hunt

that will lead us
to the actual present?

If you're asking

if you and Amy should spend
the next couple days

running all over town searching
for the next clue,

I'm gonna have to say yes.

I knew it!

This is so much fun.

Oh, it really is.

Oh, Leonard, thank you again.

- We love the gift.
- Aw.

Does he know what it is?

No, not even close.

He thinks it's a clue
to a scavenger hunt.

So, so happy.

Well, what is it?
What did you give them?

Oh, I-it's just this
dumb crystal wand

that Howard and Bernadette
gave us for our wedding.

Penny and I
made each other miserable

trying to figure out
what it was, and we thought,

"Why not pass that fun along to
Sheldon and Amy."

Wait a minute. Did...

Did you give them the
crystal chakra wand

that I gave you
for your wedding?

Yeah, that's exactly
what we did.

You said you liked it!

Yeah, that's exactly
what I said.

Wow. A scavenger hunt.

That's exciting.

I had a bit of a scavenger hunt
myself last night.

I was trying to find the remote.

I looked under
one of the cushions.

Wasn't there.

Then I lifted the cushion
a little higher.



So, do you know what it is?

Of course I know what it is.

It's a silicon dioxide crystal,

otherwise known as quartz.

Are you sure?

Am I sure?

Is basalt a mafic
extrusive igneous rock formed

by the rapid cooling
of magnesium and iron-rich lava?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Okay, so it's quartz.

That's got to mean something.

What do we know about quartz?

I'll Google it.

Or you can ask me, the geologist

who won the MacArthur
Genius Grant.

Got it!

Quartz, from the German "quarz"

which sounds the same,
but is spelled without a "T".

No "T".

What is not "T"?


The coffee shop
where we first met!

All right, let's go.

I think I just had an adrenaline
rush from having visitors.

Hey, Raj, will you, um,
smell something for me?

Uh, that depends.

Actually, it doesn't depend.
Just no.

I'm... trying out some new colognes
for my date with Denise.

Oh, and you just came over here

to rub it in my face
that you have a date?

No. I came over here
because I need advice,

and you've gone out
with more women

than anybody I know.

Huh. I guess you're right.

Sheldon's the smart one,
Howard's the funny one,

and apparently,
I'm the ladies' man.

Which one's Leonard?

Oh, yeah, right.

I guess Leonard's
the forgettable one.

Okay, let's have a whiff.


Smells like Paco Rabanne.

Ooh, you're good.
I bought it at a swap meet.

It's actually called
"Smells Like Paco Rabanne."

It's great.
She's gonna love it.

I hope so.
I really like Denise,

and I don't want
to screw this up.

Hey, relax.

Trust your instincts.
That's what I do.

And that works for you?

Actually... no.

I've made a mess of my life,
and I'm...

I'm all alone.

Okay, I think
it'd be best for both of us

if I pretend to get
a phone call and just walk away.

Yeah, that would be best.

Hello. This is Stuart.

Sorry. I got to take this.

Uh, why, yes,
I'd love to take a survey.

Okay, this is where
we first met.

There's got to be a clue
here somewhere.

We sat at that table.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry.
We're on a scavenger hunt.

Just pretend we're not here.

Oh, I found something!

It's gum.

Maybe they left it
behind the counter.

I met my wife here,
and we sat at this very table,

so if you play your cards right,
in eight years,

you could marry this woman.

That's my sister.

Well, don't tell people.
That's not okay.

Sheldon, look,
I asked the barista

if anyone left anything for us,

and she said to look
in this lost and found box.

But why would it be in
the lost and found box?

Because we were lost,
and then we found each other.

It makes perfect sense.

Oh. And look at this.

A locket.

And that stone in front...
I bet it's quartz.

This must be it.
This must be the actual gift.

Open it up.
What's inside?

Nothing. It's empty.

Of course.

Our life together
is just starting,

and they want us to fill
it with our memories.

This might be
the best wedding gift ever.

They also left us
a pair of sunglasses

because our future's so bright!

They thought of everything!


Look what Halley drew.

Yeah, she made it at daycare.

It's pretty good, huh?

Is it?

Gentile moms are tough.

Guys, I need
to show you something,

but you have to promise
not to make fun of me.

Of course.


Yeah. I was worried
about the date

so I got my hair colored to make
me feel a little more confident,

but that just made me look paler,
so I-I got a spray tan.

Have you tried showering,

seeing if you
could scrub it off?

I did.

You're gonna need
some new towels.

And a bathmat.

And a toilet seat.

I'm picking her up in an hour.

What am I gonna do?!

Don't you mean
what are you gonna

"Oompa Loompa doompety do"?

You said you weren't
gonna make any jokes.

I'm sorry. I'll stop.

Look, it's only a spray tan.

It'll fade in a couple days.

Why don't you cancel
the date and reschedule?

Oh, but I was really
looking forward to tonight.

You know what? Then go.
Tell her what happened.

Maybe she'll be flattered.

And if not,
swing by the chocolate factory

and see if they're hiring.

That wasn't a joke.

That was
a legitimate suggestion.


Hey, Dad.

Rajesh. What a nice surprise,
calling me on my birthday.

That's why I'm calling.

A-A-A-And what better gift
to give you than the gift

of marrying an Indian woman,
just like you've always wanted.

My goodness, Rajesh,
this is exciting news.

Who is she?

You tell me.


I want you
to arrange a marriage for me.

I'm just so tired
of being single,

and I'm finally just...
I'm-I'm ready to settle down.

I-I can't just call up
some girl's dad

and make her marry you.

It's-it's not 2015 anymore.

I know that, but I can't do this
on my own. I need your help.

Well, then, I'm going
to need your help, too.

If I'm going to find a woman
to set you up with,

you're going to need
to stop Instagramming pictures

of you and your dog
wearing matching sweaters.

Fine, if that's what it takes
to show you that I'm serious.

Uh, quick question.

Do you mean just Instagram,

- or all my social...?
- All of them!

Okay, deal.

All right.
Let me ask you a question.

What do you think of this woman?

Oh. Oh, my God, she's beautiful.

Is that who you're going
to set me up with?

No! That's who I'm dating.

But maybe
she has an older sister.

So we put a little picture of me

and a little picture
of Sheldon in it.

In-in the locket?


That was in
a lost and found box?


Where we hid it?

So really, you gave us
three amazing gifts.

You gave the locket,
the adventure

and the realization
that Amy and I can do anything

as long as we work together.

We wrote you a special
thank you note.


Are those words?


It's a secret code that
you two get to figure out together.

Hint: it's based
on Sanskrit,

but not the Sanskrit
you're thinking of.

And best of all,

you can't use
the Internet to cheat.

Because we locked you
out of your Wi-Fi,

and the answer to this
is your new password.

I'm no longer happy.

Hey, guys. Great news.

I'm getting married.

- Huh? - What?
- No.

Well, I-I-I haven't met her yet,

but her name is Anu.

My father says she comes
from a good family.

She's in her 30s.

She works
in hospitality management.

So, as long as I can get
through six to ten dates

without revealing
my true self...

this is happening.

I know just what we're giving
them for a wedding gift.


Oh, my God.


I wanted to look my best
for our date,

and I made a series
of bad decisions...

one of which is hidden
by my pants.


Do you still want
to go out with me?


Hey, maybe we can go
find Nemo together.

That's a good one.

Do your 63 other crayon
friends know you're out?

Are you just gonna
make fun of me all night?

- Probably.
- Great.

So what are we thinking,

Yeah, I'm in the mood
for orange chicken.