Ted Lasso (2020–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Big Week - full transcript
Everyone's feeling the pressure as Richmond gear up to play West Ham. Ted is reunited with an old friend.
Fucking hell.
All right, let's go.
It's 4:00 a.m.
Yeah. We start at 4:00 a.m.
I thought you were joking.
How is that a joke?
'Cause it's 4:00 a.m.
We start at 4:00, so you can do
three workouts a day instead of two.
Okay, but it's 4:00 a.m.
Do you wanna be better
than Zava or not?
Well, how are we gonna
see? It's dark out.
Fucking hell.
Now get dressed. Or I
start flicking your balls.
This is perverse.
Whoops.
There you go.
Good morning, Sassy Smurf.
Good morning, Marlboro Man.
You know, you snored all night.
I'm sorry about that.
That's all right. It's
actually very soothing.
Sounded like the sea.
Well, I'm glad you didn't
hear any boat horns,
given all the fried
yams I ate last night.
Hey, I was thinking. We have
a good time together, yeah?
They're called simultaneous
orgasms, Ted, yes.
Yeah, well, but I mean
also all the talking and laughing
and all that stuff. Yeah?
Sure. Well, apart from
all your dreadful puns.
Right. Well, it's tough.
Sometimes I just see 'em there, and I
gotta take a swing at 'em, you know?
No, I... Well, what
I'm getting at is...
Well, I was just
thinking maybe...
we could go on an
actual date sometime.
You know? You and me, together.
God, no.
Well, I appreciate you taking
the time to consider it.
Ted, we can't date.
Why not?
- You're a mess.
- I'm a mess?
Course you are.
I'm a mess too, but I'm a mess
three years further on than you,
so I'm more of a
slight disarray.
More like a slight disarray
of sunshine, if you ask me.
Oh, God.
- Sorry.
- Ted, on the day my ex got remarried,
I drank a bottle of red
wine through a straw
and told my Uber driver
I was in love with him.
Then, when he dropped me
home, I puked so much,
my mouth was like an elevator
from the goddamn Shining.
Knocked my rating down to a 3.9.
3.9?
Fuck you. Why? What's yours?
Oh, God, you're a
five, aren't you?
- Course you're a five. How the fuck are you a five?
- Course you're a five. How the fuck are you a five?
I don't know. I'm tidy. I
say "Please" and "Thank you."
Sometimes I offer to
drive if they look tired.
You are such a mess.
Ted, I like our status.
Friends with benefits, like
Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher.
No. I think you're
thinking of 2011's other
good-friends-turned-casual-lovers
based rom-com.
No Strings Attached.
Friends with Benefits was Mila
Kunis and Justin Timberlake.
Wow. 2011, friends be fuckin'.
Yeah.
So, let's keep things
2011. Cool and breezy.
Like an Arab Spring.
And good luck against
West Ham this weekend.
Fuck Rupert
and that shriveled raisin-pouch
he calls a nutsack.
Hello! Here for Flo?
- You can jump in, love.
- Lovely, thank you.
This is nice. Gray
seats? Yes, please.
West Ham. This is
the real opportunity
for the Wonder Kid to
become the Wonder Man...
101.
100.
Ninety-nine.
Why do you only
sleep with a top on?
Because I get cold upstairs
and hot downstairs.
I get that.
Mornin'.
Listen to what Rupert
said in this one.
"I truly look forward to
seeing my old club again.
Richmond are top-class."
- What a soggy, wet piece of shit.
- Thank you.
Right, I'm off to the training ground.
Thanks again for the opportunity.
Babe, you earned it.
Shandy came up with this
super fun Bantr promo.
It uses all the single
players on the team.
Yeah.
The anonymous man you're Bantr-ing with
could be a professional footballer.
That's great.
And that's all the
single players, you say?
So, it's, like, Colin and
Dani and Sam, et cetera?
Yeah, although I don't think
Sam's doing it anymore.
- No.
- So fun.
- Ms. Jones.
- Hello, Barbara.
- All right there, Barbs?
- It's "Barbara."
- All right there, Barbs?
- It's "Barbara."
If possible, could I get two tickets
for the Richmond-West Ham match?
Jack might be coming
to London this weekend.
Of course.
Who's Jack?
Jack Danvers.
The head of the VC that
funded your company.
Our boss.
Yes. That Jack. Of course.
That's not a problem, Barbara.
I can let you have
some seats in my suite.
Lovely.
Thank you so much, Rebecca. That's
so kind of you and so efficient.
Keeley.
Thanks, Barbara.
So, the one thing we cannot do
against West Ham is the False Nine.
- 'Cause that's Nate's shit.
- Exactly.
So, we decided to go
with our classic 4-4-2.
Which is exactly what that
prick expects us to do.
So, we do the opposite. Five
up front. Full-on attack.
So, we do the opposite. Five
up front. Full-on attack.
But Nate knows
we're gonna do that,
because Nate knows that we're trying
to outthink him by thinking like him.
Well, fuck Nate, fuck thinking
and fuck fucking Socrates.
So, we gotta stop thinking
like Nate and start thinking
like Nate would think we would
think if Nate were thinking like us,
and then do the last thing
that Nate thinking like us
thinking like Nate thinking like
us would ever expect us to do.
Have Zava drop back and
play Nate's False Nine.
Voi-fucking-là.
Brilliant.
- It's mostly Beard's idea.
- Nah, it was a group effort.
I do have one question.
- Of course.
- Who fucking cares?
Do you think Zava'll do it?
Fuck!
- Good mornin'.
- Hey.
- Uh-oh, what's wrong?
- Roy doesn't think we can beat Nate.
- Higgins doesn't think so either!
- Beard said it to me first.
- Higgins doesn't think so either!
- Beard said it to me first.
- You throw me under the bus? How dare...
- You walked in here this morning...
- You're gonna sell me out?
- Whoa! Whoa.
Y'all pointin' more fingers
than Ganesha givin' directions.
Now look, you fellas need
to calm down and just kiss.
He's right.
Keep it simple, smartypants.
An answer will show
up. Don't worry.
But until it does, here's a
question for y'all: Am I a mess?
Sassy ended up spending
the night last night and...
No, hush your butts.
That ain't the headline.
Well, I asked her out on a
proper date this morning.
She turned me down cold. She said
I was... And I quote... "a mess."
- Yeah.
- Sounds like a case for the Diamond Dogs!
Release the hounds.
Yeah, here we go! Let's do it.
- Fuck's sakes.
- Fuck's sakes.
Yes.
- "Yes" what?
- Yes, you're a mess.
Okay. Expound.
We're playing Nate this week,
and you're acting like
it's not a big deal.
Nothing's different.
He didn't hurt you.
Hey, look, we ain't talking
about Nate right now.
I'm asking you if you think
I'm a mess. All right?
Higgy pie, what do you think?
I think I don't understand how
you're not pissed off with Nate.
We have a saying in
Co-Dependents Anonymous.
- Y... What?
- Jane makes me go with her.
Yeah.
Pain is like carbon monoxide.
Expressing it to the person who
hurt you is like opening a vent,
but holding it in
will poison you.
I like that. But
Nate didn't hurt me.
Bullshit!
Roy, did you wanna get in on
this Diamond Dog situation?
- Hey, Roy! Hey, Roy.
- Hey, Roy. Here, Roy.
Here, Roy. Come here, Roy.
La, la, la, la, la!
So, the match of the week is
clearly Richmond and West Ham.
So, the match of the week is
clearly Richmond and West Ham.
Now, it's been a strong start to
the season for both of these teams,
but I think the Hammers are favorites,
going into the London derby,
based on the tactical acumen of
the Wonder Kid, Nathan Shelley.
Yeah, Shelley is brilliant,
there's no doubt about that,
but Zava, he is a genius. I like
the Greyhounds for this one.
That's my guy!
No, you can't have
him. He's mine.
- Let's move on, shall we, to Sunday's...
- Hey, look. Guys, guys.
Who cares, right?
Now come on, we've got
work to do. Let's go.
He is correct.
We must ignore these talking faces.
Even when they are in our favor.
Thank you, "Zorro."
Exactly, but it's actually
pronounced "Zoreaux."
Why?
I don't know. Because that's
how my parents say it, I guess?
My friend, you can be
whoever you want to be.
My friend, you can be
whoever you want to be.
I let all of my children name themselves
once they reach the age of seven.
That is why my eldest is
called "Smingus Dingus."
Dream big, and you
may never wake up.
Thank you.
Jesus.
I can't believe I'm about to say this,
but hey, lads, I agree with Zava.
Yes, it's a big fucking game, but
we've just gotta focus, do what we do,
- do you know what I mean?
- Yeah. He's right.
And don't forget, yeah?
- Believe in "Believe."
- Yes.
What the...
What?
- Oh, shit.
- What?
- Why the fuck did you do that?
- I was just checking
if I acquired the ability
to chop things in half.
Yeah, and what if you had?
Sorry, bruv. I didn't
think it through.
Fellas. Someone
ripped this in half.
What the fuck? What?
What the fuck?
You're joking
What the fuck?
Hello...
Jade.
Nathan.
Shelley.
Lovely to see you again.
Okay.
- Sorry I've not been around much.
- Sorry I've not been around much.
You haven't?
No. No, I've been really
busy with my new job.
Big new job just
keeping me very busy.
Sounds silly. Maybe you should
quit your big new busy job.
Anyway, just here to
pick up my takeaway.
I bought lunch for
my whole staff.
Apart from the trainers,
'cause they eat like cows.
Sorry, that sounds... No, they're
love... I mean, they're lovely people.
They're just vegetarians.
No way.
Look who's here. No fucking way!
- Do you know who this is?
- Jason Jelly.
- That's right.
- No, "Nathan Shelley."
That's right, Nathan Shelley,
manager of West Ham
United, in my restaurant!
- Big week, my guy.
- Yep.
Big fucking week. I'm
Derek. I'm the manager here.
- Anything you need, you got it.
- Anything you need, you got it.
- Okay.
- From one manager to another.
Yeah, well, it's not
quite the same, but...
Facing your team this week.
That's gotta be
hard-core, right?
I mean, you talked a lot of
shit about them in the press.
- Didn't ya? I loved it.
- Sorry, can I pay?
No. This is on me,
okay? On me. Understand?
This man's money
is no good here.
Never charge. Except for
booze. Gotta charge for booze.
I didn't order any
booze. It's 12:30.
Knock 'em dead. Go Hammers!
No way. Oi, do you
know who this is?
All right, okay. Bye.
And cut!
Lovely, Colin. Thank you.
All right. Okay,
Dani, you're up.
I'm very nervous.
No. Don't be nervous. Look, just
sit here. Look into the camera
and pretend you're
talking to an old friend.
My oldest friend is Javiar.
Great. How long have
you known Javiar?
Only a couple of months, but he
turns 108 years old next week.
- Perfect.
- Yeah.
Final checks.
Thank you.
- Hello, Keeley.
- Hi.
Yeah. Just scoot to
your left a little bit.
Yeah, that's it. Okay,
off you go, Dani.
You may not know who I am, but I think
the most beautiful parts of a woman
are her flaws.
And cut! Thank you, Dani. Next!
Okay.
- Brought you coffee.
- Yeah.
- How's it going?
- Oh, my God. This is great.
- Yeah?
- They're great.
I just... I love being the boss.
- Cheers to that. Yeah.
- Cheers to that.
You ready, Zoreaux?
Yeah, but I actually
go by "Van Damme" now.
Okay, great. Action, Van Damme.
You don't know who I am,
but I'm looking for someone who
likes short walks on the beach,
so we can spend more
time, you know...
And cut.
Great, thanks, Van Damme. Next!
- Van Damme?
- Yeah. It's my new name.
Cool. Why?
Because I love
Jean-Claude Van Damme,
and Zava told me I should
be whoever I wanna be.
- Okay, yeah. Cool.
- All right, Van Damme.
- All right, boys.
- Take it easy.
He's so fucking hot.
- What's his story?
- Jamie? He's so cocky.
But I guess you have
to be at this level.
But he only thinks
about himself.
At least, he used to.
Joking. No.
But he's not accountable for his
actions and what they do to others.
Except he is getting
better at making apologies.
Still, he only
thinks with his dick.
And yet, I don't think
he's seen anyone in ages.
I just wanna know if
I can bang him, babe.
I don't know.
You should probably
ask him, it's his dick.
Cool. Off you go, Jamie.
What are y'all still doing here?
Coach, you're gonna
wanna watch this.
Is it one of them videos
of a military parent coming
home after a long tour?
'Cause if so, I'm gonna be
eating tears and snot for dinner.
'Cause if so, I'm gonna be
eating tears and snot for dinner.
Not quite.
Here we go.
Where'd this come from?
This fucking legend thought
to pull the security footage
when we told him about the sign.
When we told him about the sign.
I guess you can take the
boy out of journalism
but you can't take
journalism out of the boy.
Right, you fucking ruined
it now. The point is,
the answer we were
looking for has arrived.
What are you talking about?
A video like this could
motivate a team, perhaps.
Thank you for your help, Trent.
May a young Robert Redford
portray you in a film someday.
Probably Dustin Hoffman.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Go home, guys. Get some sleep.
Okay.
- Good night, Ted. Night, Beard.
- Good night.
Night, Coach.
Coach.
I was thinking about
your Sassy situation.
Yeah.
Jane's sister is in town.
- No, thank you, Coach.
- That's the right answer.
Burning the midnight oil, I see.
Yeah. Sorry for the smell.
The oil burning.
So, you're feeling confident
about this weekend?
Yeah, no, I think so.
Yeah, no. Go... Yeah.
We're gonna destroy, right?
Good.
No, it's just, I...
I just haven't seen
Ted since I left and...
We didn't leave on the
best of terms and...
I feel like I owe him
an apology or something.
You did what was best for you.
What were you meant to do?
Hang around, supporting Ted
for the rest of your life?
I don't think so.
You've done nothing wrong,
Nathan, I promise you.
You earned this job.
Well, so what do I
say when I see him?
You say nothing,
apart from "hello."
You look him in the
eye. You shake his hand.
And then you beat him.
And then we go and celebrate.
Okay.
Good night, Nathan.
Good night, Rupert. Thank you.
Mr. Mannion.
Hey.
Working late? Or hardly working?
Well, I don't think
that's how the joke goes.
What joke?
Never mind. What's up?
I really want to win this one.
I know.
Everything okay?
Am I a mess?
Of course you are.
That's why we get along.
And I wish I could tell you to
ignore Sass, but she's usually right.
So, Sassy already told you about
the... Of course. Girl talk.
Girl talk.
So, is everything all right?
Yeah, I'm good.
Oklahoma?
I'm a work in "progmess."
Good night, Ted.
You already won, you know?
You got that turkey
out of your life.
Beat them.
Good night, boss.
Oi, do I look all right?
Of course you do. Why?
Well, if Jack actually shows up,
Well, if Jack actually shows up,
I want him to think that I
look mysterious and powerful.
Dynamic, you know?
- All of that.
- You are mysterious, powerful and dynamic.
Shit, I'm nervous.
I think I need to go and
reapply my lip liner.
- I'll see you upstairs in the suite.
- Yep.
Hey, Rebecca!
- Rupert.
- Wonderful to see you.
- Bex. Love the new hair.
- Hi.
I haven't changed my hair.
Nor should you. It's perfection.
So, how's the little one?
Oh, yeah, Diane. She's already
walking. Can you believe that?
Yeah. Drooling and
pooing around the house.
Takes after her father.
Well. Hey, take it
easy on us today.
No promises.
Oh, shit.
Excuse me.
I've got a bit of
a situation here.
Thank you. But it's
actually not that.
You're a lifesaver!
Usually I'm like clockwork,
but because I've been so
stressed, I've come on early.
I'm so happy that it's a
super and not a skinny.
Who are those even for?
It's not like my vagina is on a
diet, I'm on my fucking period.
Oi, thanks for helping me.
And I love your shoes!
- Yeah. Thanks. Pay it forward.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Thanks. Pay it forward.
- Yeah.
Sorry. Excuse me.
Hi.
Boy, you're tall.
Is your dad a tree or something?
No, I'm screwing around.
Hey, speaking of trees, who
are y'all rooting for today?
West Ham.
Yeah, no, that
makes sense. Yeah.
Go ahead. Yeah. Going
down one more floor.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, of course.
Best of luck out there.
Hey, Nate. That you?
Hi. I didn't see you there.
- That's okay. How you been, man?
- Yeah, okay.
Yeah. Good.
Listen, Ted.
I just wanna say that
the way I left...
Nathan. There you are.
Yeah.
Hey, Rupert.
- Ted.
- Nice to see you again.
Good luck.
- Keeley? Yeah.
- She's absolutely fantastic.
Here she is now.
- Hey. Yeah.
- Keeley? This is Jack Danvers.
Hello.
I believe you have
something of mine.
Oh, fuck. You're Jack?
Oh, fuck. You're Jack?
This is a bit embarrassing.
- No.
- Yeah. We all thought you were a man.
Yeah, that too.
It's like that old riddle.
- What riddle?
- You know, always a tricky one, this one.
A father and son
are in a car wreck.
Dad dies instantly, the son is
rushed to an emergency room.
A surgeon walks in and says,
"I can't operate on
this boy. He's my son."
How is it possible?
- Because she's a woman.
- She's gay.
- Sperm donor.
- He lives in a simulation?
Right. Yeah, I guess
that's a bit dated now.
So, I assume "Jack" is short
for "Jacqueline," right?
No. It's short for my
father wanted a boy.
I'm gonna go and sit
down now, outside. Now.
Jack, welcome.
We are not allowed to
take drinks to our seats.
So if you want to get plastered,
we should probably do that now.
Okay.
Well, after you.
You're so funny, Rebecca.
Barbara's obsessed with Rebecca.
I hope she doesn't try and kill
her and wear her skin as a suit.
What the fuck?
Cheers. It's gonna
be a good day.
- All right, Baz.
- Oi!
This is a Richmond pub.
It's all right,
Mae. He's with me.
Get the fuck out!
Come on, Richmond!
Come on, Richmond!
Come on, Richmond!
It's a full house
for today's battle
between West Ham United
and Zava's AFC Richmond.
A win would take either team
to the top spot in the table,
knocking mighty Manchester
City off number one.
Should be a tight match,
Chris. Any predictions?
I stopped making
predictions, Arlo.
I stopped making
predictions, Arlo.
Because I was never wrong.
Got to the point I was worried I
was the one making things happen.
Well, that's interesting.
I knew you'd say that.
They fade and die
Fortune's always hiding
I've looked everywhere
I'm forever blowing bubbles
Pretty bubbles in the air
United! United!
United! United!
United! United!
Nate.
Let's have fun out
there today, yeah?
West Ham are quite happy to
just soak up the pressure.
Not taking any risks at
all against Richmond,
of all teams, at home.
- A sign of how far Richmond have come.
- It's all right. We're okay.
What a threat Zava is.
Richmond! To the right!
Tight! Don't get scared.
And it stays nil-nil, thanks
to an amazing save by Zoreaux.
- Van Damme.
- Van Damme!
I hear he wants to be
called "Van Damme" now.
Why?
Well, we'd probably have to dive
into his childhood for that answer.
Richmond need the key pass to
unlock the Hammers' defense.
That could be the one.
- Tartt hits the woodwork.
- No!
- That was close.
- Zava was wide open.
For Zava!
- There'll be two more minutes in the first half of this scoreless,
- There'll be two more minutes in the first half of this scoreless,
But pulsating, London derby.
- Obisanya caught in possession.
- No.
And here come West
Ham on the break.
Armando bearing down on goal.
- Yeah!
- Yes!
And it's there. Right
under Van Damme.
The Canadian keeper
apparently not as unstoppable
as the Muscles from Brussels.
That's not fair,
Arlo. Nobody is.
- We've been here before. Come on.
- Come on, lads.
The Hammers go up 1-nil
just before halftime.
Fuck it.
All right, guys. Come on, now.
Let's end this half strong!
Huddle.
What's this shit?
I don't know.
- Lower. Move it right. Five.
- Brilliant.
- Right now, come on. Five.
- Ref, just blow the fucking whistle.
West Ham pressing now.
- No.
- A new tactic from the Hammers
in the closing seconds
of the first half.
In the closing seconds
of the first half.
It's never too late
to change, Arlo.
- No!
- Fuck! Fuck you! Fuck!
And it's 2-nil. Oh, deary me.
Excuse me.
How did that happen?
We go to halftime.
Richmond have
dominated possession,
but out of absolutely nowhere,
it's 2-nil to the Hammers.
We don't deserve that.
What the fuck just happened?
I don't know.
Hey, fellas. I'll
be right back. Okay?
The fuck are you going?
- I'll just be a minute or two, okay?
- What do we tell the team?
I don't know. Surprise me.
Hey, boss. What you
doing down here?
I just wanted to tell you
that I believe in you, Ted.
Uh-huh?
And I know that I've been putting
an awful lot of pressure on you
And I know that I've been putting
an awful lot of pressure on you
to win today, but I just want
you to forget all about that.
Just be yourself and have fun.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Okay. Well, thank you.
I believe in you, Ted.
And it's intense.
- I better go. All right.
- Off you pop.
Remember, have fun!
Yes! This is so exciting!
No.
This is your surprise, huh?
A minute ago, they were
catatonic. Now look at them.
- They're killers. - Frankly, Ted, sometimes that's good.
- They're killers. - Frankly, Ted, sometimes that's good.
Oh, my. Richmond coming
out of the tunnel
with a palpable chip
on their shoulder.
Wow. A real tension on the pitch. I
think we're in for an exciting half.
We begin the second half with
Richmond looking for a strong start.
- Come on, boys. Fucking kill 'em.
- Fucking kill 'em.
- Here we go!
- Kill!
That's an awful tackle.
- He would be fortunate to escape...
- Oh, fuck.
With just a yellow.
It's a deserved
red, and Richmond
will play almost the entire
second half with ten men.
He's actually a very
sweet young man.
Here come West Ham.
- And now Van Damme has been sent off.
- And now Van Damme has been sent off.
- We're playing like Italians.
- I know.
It's awesome.
Oh, dear.
It's getting a touch
spicy out there.
Spicy, Arlo? This
is vintage vindaloo.
No.
Montlaur has lost his mind, and
Richmond have lost a third player.
Fucking come on.
- Richmond have completely lost the plot.
- Richmond have completely lost the plot.
Zava must be wondering what
he's done to deserve this.
Yes!
And it's 4-1 to the Hammers.
It went from evenly
matched to unevenly matched
to light a match on fire and
put it into a can of petrol.
That second half should've
come with a trigger warning.
One extraordinary goal by Zava did
not make it any less tough to watch.
Richmond showed a side of
themselves we've never seen before.
They played angry,
dirty and ugly.
Which are also the names of
Zava's three youngest kids.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
- Hey, it's okay.
- Shit.
Did you guys have fun?
Yeah.
The violence was quite
entertaining, wasn't it? In a way.
Sending off Van
Damme was a mistake.
He played with passion.
"Passion" is a word we use
when we talk about love.
It is also a word we
use to describe a crime.
Sometimes it is also a fruit.
Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry.
- We fucked up.
- We overcorrected and played with hate.
- Be great if you yelled at us a bit.
- Please.
- Call us pieces of shit or something. - Now.
- Call us pieces of shit or something. - Now.
You can hit us.
Get it over with.
Tried something new. It
didn't work. Big whoop.
I will take that thumb
drive one of y'all's got.
Shake it off, fellas. Lot of
football left this season.
- What a fucking arsehole.
- I know.
You have to feel pretty good about
yourself after that win, yeah?
Well, yeah. Richmond
were clearly rattled.
It was easier than I
expected, if I'm honest.
What about Ted?
Quite a snub not to shake his
hand at the end of the game.
Did I not? I didn't mean to.
I... Guess I just got caught up
in the excitement of it all. Yeah.
Excuse me a minute. I just...
Coach Shelley, Mr. Mannion
asked me to give you this.
He'll meet you there in an hour.
Thank...
- It's so good to see you, Rebecca.
- You too, Bex.
Oh, Rebecca, my dear.
- So sorry for your loss.
- Thank you.
Come on, old man. It's
way past your bedtime.
Lovely to see you.
I saw you with your assistant.
Your daughter deserves
better, and so does Bex.
- Stop fucking around.
- Stop fucking around.
Here you go.
We are normally a lot
better than that. And nicer.
Well, it's never great when your team
gets more red cards than goals, is it?
No.
What a shit show.
Anyway, good news.
Bantr's trending.
- It is?
- Yeah.
Pretty sure the change
to the bio line helped.
What are you talking about?
Who did this?
I did. This afternoon,
when I uploaded the vids.
You're welcome.
- Shandy.
- Yeah.
This is the opposite of
what Bantr is trying to do.
Are you joking?
They're gonna love it.
I've literally tripled their
subscribers in an hour.
You need to change
this back, now. Please.
You need to change
this back, now. Please.
Yeah.
It was really
lovely to meet you.
- You too.
- Excuse me.
Hey. Here he is!
The Wonder Kid himself.
The man of the hour!
Thank you very
much, Mr. Mannion.
Please, no. "Rupert."
Nathan.
Thanks, Ms. Kakes. That's...
And Nathan, allow me
to introduce Anastasia.
Huge fan.
Oh, my God. You're famous.
So are you.
Congratulations to your victory.
Yeah. Thank you.
Come on, Tartt! One
more before dinner!
Let's go, Coach.
That was hard to watch.
Thierry, West Ham's domination today
saw Ted Lasso being totally exposed
by his former
assistant Nate Shelley.
Gary, I love this quote from
a Chinese philosopher, Laozi,
"When the student is ready,
the teacher will appear.
When the student is truly ready,
the teacher will disappear."
The Greyhounds...
- Hi, Ted.
- Hey.
Sorry about the match.
No. That's all right.
It was a tough one.
Henry's not here right now.
He's at a birthday party,
- but I'll...
- No, that's okay.
I was actually hoping just to
chat with you. You got a minute?
Sure. Is everything okay?
Yeah. Well... No.
You know, I just...
I wanted to say
something real quick.
Look, I...
I know that you and I aren't,
you know, together anymore.
And I respect that. Okay? I do.
But, Well, you know,
this whole thing with you and
Dr. Jacob really ticks me off.
And I'm upset that we didn't
ever really get to talk about it
before it all started.
Yeah.
And look, I understand
that me saying all this,
might be the wrong
thing to do, but...
I just feel like
not saying it...
isn't the...
Well, wouldn't be the
right thing either.
'Cause we gotta raise this
little boy together, you know?
We're stuck with each other.
We're gonna share grandkids.
I love you, Michelle.
And I love Henry.
- And I love our family.
- And I love our family.
No matter what it looks like.
Okay?
Of course.
Well, I'll talk to y'all soon.
Have a good night.
Tell Henry I love him.
Good night, Ted.
All right, let's go.
It's 4:00 a.m.
Yeah. We start at 4:00 a.m.
I thought you were joking.
How is that a joke?
'Cause it's 4:00 a.m.
We start at 4:00, so you can do
three workouts a day instead of two.
Okay, but it's 4:00 a.m.
Do you wanna be better
than Zava or not?
Well, how are we gonna
see? It's dark out.
Fucking hell.
Now get dressed. Or I
start flicking your balls.
This is perverse.
Whoops.
There you go.
Good morning, Sassy Smurf.
Good morning, Marlboro Man.
You know, you snored all night.
I'm sorry about that.
That's all right. It's
actually very soothing.
Sounded like the sea.
Well, I'm glad you didn't
hear any boat horns,
given all the fried
yams I ate last night.
Hey, I was thinking. We have
a good time together, yeah?
They're called simultaneous
orgasms, Ted, yes.
Yeah, well, but I mean
also all the talking and laughing
and all that stuff. Yeah?
Sure. Well, apart from
all your dreadful puns.
Right. Well, it's tough.
Sometimes I just see 'em there, and I
gotta take a swing at 'em, you know?
No, I... Well, what
I'm getting at is...
Well, I was just
thinking maybe...
we could go on an
actual date sometime.
You know? You and me, together.
God, no.
Well, I appreciate you taking
the time to consider it.
Ted, we can't date.
Why not?
- You're a mess.
- I'm a mess?
Course you are.
I'm a mess too, but I'm a mess
three years further on than you,
so I'm more of a
slight disarray.
More like a slight disarray
of sunshine, if you ask me.
Oh, God.
- Sorry.
- Ted, on the day my ex got remarried,
I drank a bottle of red
wine through a straw
and told my Uber driver
I was in love with him.
Then, when he dropped me
home, I puked so much,
my mouth was like an elevator
from the goddamn Shining.
Knocked my rating down to a 3.9.
3.9?
Fuck you. Why? What's yours?
Oh, God, you're a
five, aren't you?
- Course you're a five. How the fuck are you a five?
- Course you're a five. How the fuck are you a five?
I don't know. I'm tidy. I
say "Please" and "Thank you."
Sometimes I offer to
drive if they look tired.
You are such a mess.
Ted, I like our status.
Friends with benefits, like
Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher.
No. I think you're
thinking of 2011's other
good-friends-turned-casual-lovers
based rom-com.
No Strings Attached.
Friends with Benefits was Mila
Kunis and Justin Timberlake.
Wow. 2011, friends be fuckin'.
Yeah.
So, let's keep things
2011. Cool and breezy.
Like an Arab Spring.
And good luck against
West Ham this weekend.
Fuck Rupert
and that shriveled raisin-pouch
he calls a nutsack.
Hello! Here for Flo?
- You can jump in, love.
- Lovely, thank you.
This is nice. Gray
seats? Yes, please.
West Ham. This is
the real opportunity
for the Wonder Kid to
become the Wonder Man...
101.
100.
Ninety-nine.
Why do you only
sleep with a top on?
Because I get cold upstairs
and hot downstairs.
I get that.
Mornin'.
Listen to what Rupert
said in this one.
"I truly look forward to
seeing my old club again.
Richmond are top-class."
- What a soggy, wet piece of shit.
- Thank you.
Right, I'm off to the training ground.
Thanks again for the opportunity.
Babe, you earned it.
Shandy came up with this
super fun Bantr promo.
It uses all the single
players on the team.
Yeah.
The anonymous man you're Bantr-ing with
could be a professional footballer.
That's great.
And that's all the
single players, you say?
So, it's, like, Colin and
Dani and Sam, et cetera?
Yeah, although I don't think
Sam's doing it anymore.
- No.
- So fun.
- Ms. Jones.
- Hello, Barbara.
- All right there, Barbs?
- It's "Barbara."
- All right there, Barbs?
- It's "Barbara."
If possible, could I get two tickets
for the Richmond-West Ham match?
Jack might be coming
to London this weekend.
Of course.
Who's Jack?
Jack Danvers.
The head of the VC that
funded your company.
Our boss.
Yes. That Jack. Of course.
That's not a problem, Barbara.
I can let you have
some seats in my suite.
Lovely.
Thank you so much, Rebecca. That's
so kind of you and so efficient.
Keeley.
Thanks, Barbara.
So, the one thing we cannot do
against West Ham is the False Nine.
- 'Cause that's Nate's shit.
- Exactly.
So, we decided to go
with our classic 4-4-2.
Which is exactly what that
prick expects us to do.
So, we do the opposite. Five
up front. Full-on attack.
So, we do the opposite. Five
up front. Full-on attack.
But Nate knows
we're gonna do that,
because Nate knows that we're trying
to outthink him by thinking like him.
Well, fuck Nate, fuck thinking
and fuck fucking Socrates.
So, we gotta stop thinking
like Nate and start thinking
like Nate would think we would
think if Nate were thinking like us,
and then do the last thing
that Nate thinking like us
thinking like Nate thinking like
us would ever expect us to do.
Have Zava drop back and
play Nate's False Nine.
Voi-fucking-là.
Brilliant.
- It's mostly Beard's idea.
- Nah, it was a group effort.
I do have one question.
- Of course.
- Who fucking cares?
Do you think Zava'll do it?
Fuck!
- Good mornin'.
- Hey.
- Uh-oh, what's wrong?
- Roy doesn't think we can beat Nate.
- Higgins doesn't think so either!
- Beard said it to me first.
- Higgins doesn't think so either!
- Beard said it to me first.
- You throw me under the bus? How dare...
- You walked in here this morning...
- You're gonna sell me out?
- Whoa! Whoa.
Y'all pointin' more fingers
than Ganesha givin' directions.
Now look, you fellas need
to calm down and just kiss.
He's right.
Keep it simple, smartypants.
An answer will show
up. Don't worry.
But until it does, here's a
question for y'all: Am I a mess?
Sassy ended up spending
the night last night and...
No, hush your butts.
That ain't the headline.
Well, I asked her out on a
proper date this morning.
She turned me down cold. She said
I was... And I quote... "a mess."
- Yeah.
- Sounds like a case for the Diamond Dogs!
Release the hounds.
Yeah, here we go! Let's do it.
- Fuck's sakes.
- Fuck's sakes.
Yes.
- "Yes" what?
- Yes, you're a mess.
Okay. Expound.
We're playing Nate this week,
and you're acting like
it's not a big deal.
Nothing's different.
He didn't hurt you.
Hey, look, we ain't talking
about Nate right now.
I'm asking you if you think
I'm a mess. All right?
Higgy pie, what do you think?
I think I don't understand how
you're not pissed off with Nate.
We have a saying in
Co-Dependents Anonymous.
- Y... What?
- Jane makes me go with her.
Yeah.
Pain is like carbon monoxide.
Expressing it to the person who
hurt you is like opening a vent,
but holding it in
will poison you.
I like that. But
Nate didn't hurt me.
Bullshit!
Roy, did you wanna get in on
this Diamond Dog situation?
- Hey, Roy! Hey, Roy.
- Hey, Roy. Here, Roy.
Here, Roy. Come here, Roy.
La, la, la, la, la!
So, the match of the week is
clearly Richmond and West Ham.
So, the match of the week is
clearly Richmond and West Ham.
Now, it's been a strong start to
the season for both of these teams,
but I think the Hammers are favorites,
going into the London derby,
based on the tactical acumen of
the Wonder Kid, Nathan Shelley.
Yeah, Shelley is brilliant,
there's no doubt about that,
but Zava, he is a genius. I like
the Greyhounds for this one.
That's my guy!
No, you can't have
him. He's mine.
- Let's move on, shall we, to Sunday's...
- Hey, look. Guys, guys.
Who cares, right?
Now come on, we've got
work to do. Let's go.
He is correct.
We must ignore these talking faces.
Even when they are in our favor.
Thank you, "Zorro."
Exactly, but it's actually
pronounced "Zoreaux."
Why?
I don't know. Because that's
how my parents say it, I guess?
My friend, you can be
whoever you want to be.
My friend, you can be
whoever you want to be.
I let all of my children name themselves
once they reach the age of seven.
That is why my eldest is
called "Smingus Dingus."
Dream big, and you
may never wake up.
Thank you.
Jesus.
I can't believe I'm about to say this,
but hey, lads, I agree with Zava.
Yes, it's a big fucking game, but
we've just gotta focus, do what we do,
- do you know what I mean?
- Yeah. He's right.
And don't forget, yeah?
- Believe in "Believe."
- Yes.
What the...
What?
- Oh, shit.
- What?
- Why the fuck did you do that?
- I was just checking
if I acquired the ability
to chop things in half.
Yeah, and what if you had?
Sorry, bruv. I didn't
think it through.
Fellas. Someone
ripped this in half.
What the fuck? What?
What the fuck?
You're joking
What the fuck?
Hello...
Jade.
Nathan.
Shelley.
Lovely to see you again.
Okay.
- Sorry I've not been around much.
- Sorry I've not been around much.
You haven't?
No. No, I've been really
busy with my new job.
Big new job just
keeping me very busy.
Sounds silly. Maybe you should
quit your big new busy job.
Anyway, just here to
pick up my takeaway.
I bought lunch for
my whole staff.
Apart from the trainers,
'cause they eat like cows.
Sorry, that sounds... No, they're
love... I mean, they're lovely people.
They're just vegetarians.
No way.
Look who's here. No fucking way!
- Do you know who this is?
- Jason Jelly.
- That's right.
- No, "Nathan Shelley."
That's right, Nathan Shelley,
manager of West Ham
United, in my restaurant!
- Big week, my guy.
- Yep.
Big fucking week. I'm
Derek. I'm the manager here.
- Anything you need, you got it.
- Anything you need, you got it.
- Okay.
- From one manager to another.
Yeah, well, it's not
quite the same, but...
Facing your team this week.
That's gotta be
hard-core, right?
I mean, you talked a lot of
shit about them in the press.
- Didn't ya? I loved it.
- Sorry, can I pay?
No. This is on me,
okay? On me. Understand?
This man's money
is no good here.
Never charge. Except for
booze. Gotta charge for booze.
I didn't order any
booze. It's 12:30.
Knock 'em dead. Go Hammers!
No way. Oi, do you
know who this is?
All right, okay. Bye.
And cut!
Lovely, Colin. Thank you.
All right. Okay,
Dani, you're up.
I'm very nervous.
No. Don't be nervous. Look, just
sit here. Look into the camera
and pretend you're
talking to an old friend.
My oldest friend is Javiar.
Great. How long have
you known Javiar?
Only a couple of months, but he
turns 108 years old next week.
- Perfect.
- Yeah.
Final checks.
Thank you.
- Hello, Keeley.
- Hi.
Yeah. Just scoot to
your left a little bit.
Yeah, that's it. Okay,
off you go, Dani.
You may not know who I am, but I think
the most beautiful parts of a woman
are her flaws.
And cut! Thank you, Dani. Next!
Okay.
- Brought you coffee.
- Yeah.
- How's it going?
- Oh, my God. This is great.
- Yeah?
- They're great.
I just... I love being the boss.
- Cheers to that. Yeah.
- Cheers to that.
You ready, Zoreaux?
Yeah, but I actually
go by "Van Damme" now.
Okay, great. Action, Van Damme.
You don't know who I am,
but I'm looking for someone who
likes short walks on the beach,
so we can spend more
time, you know...
And cut.
Great, thanks, Van Damme. Next!
- Van Damme?
- Yeah. It's my new name.
Cool. Why?
Because I love
Jean-Claude Van Damme,
and Zava told me I should
be whoever I wanna be.
- Okay, yeah. Cool.
- All right, Van Damme.
- All right, boys.
- Take it easy.
He's so fucking hot.
- What's his story?
- Jamie? He's so cocky.
But I guess you have
to be at this level.
But he only thinks
about himself.
At least, he used to.
Joking. No.
But he's not accountable for his
actions and what they do to others.
Except he is getting
better at making apologies.
Still, he only
thinks with his dick.
And yet, I don't think
he's seen anyone in ages.
I just wanna know if
I can bang him, babe.
I don't know.
You should probably
ask him, it's his dick.
Cool. Off you go, Jamie.
What are y'all still doing here?
Coach, you're gonna
wanna watch this.
Is it one of them videos
of a military parent coming
home after a long tour?
'Cause if so, I'm gonna be
eating tears and snot for dinner.
'Cause if so, I'm gonna be
eating tears and snot for dinner.
Not quite.
Here we go.
Where'd this come from?
This fucking legend thought
to pull the security footage
when we told him about the sign.
When we told him about the sign.
I guess you can take the
boy out of journalism
but you can't take
journalism out of the boy.
Right, you fucking ruined
it now. The point is,
the answer we were
looking for has arrived.
What are you talking about?
A video like this could
motivate a team, perhaps.
Thank you for your help, Trent.
May a young Robert Redford
portray you in a film someday.
Probably Dustin Hoffman.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Go home, guys. Get some sleep.
Okay.
- Good night, Ted. Night, Beard.
- Good night.
Night, Coach.
Coach.
I was thinking about
your Sassy situation.
Yeah.
Jane's sister is in town.
- No, thank you, Coach.
- That's the right answer.
Burning the midnight oil, I see.
Yeah. Sorry for the smell.
The oil burning.
So, you're feeling confident
about this weekend?
Yeah, no, I think so.
Yeah, no. Go... Yeah.
We're gonna destroy, right?
Good.
No, it's just, I...
I just haven't seen
Ted since I left and...
We didn't leave on the
best of terms and...
I feel like I owe him
an apology or something.
You did what was best for you.
What were you meant to do?
Hang around, supporting Ted
for the rest of your life?
I don't think so.
You've done nothing wrong,
Nathan, I promise you.
You earned this job.
Well, so what do I
say when I see him?
You say nothing,
apart from "hello."
You look him in the
eye. You shake his hand.
And then you beat him.
And then we go and celebrate.
Okay.
Good night, Nathan.
Good night, Rupert. Thank you.
Mr. Mannion.
Hey.
Working late? Or hardly working?
Well, I don't think
that's how the joke goes.
What joke?
Never mind. What's up?
I really want to win this one.
I know.
Everything okay?
Am I a mess?
Of course you are.
That's why we get along.
And I wish I could tell you to
ignore Sass, but she's usually right.
So, Sassy already told you about
the... Of course. Girl talk.
Girl talk.
So, is everything all right?
Yeah, I'm good.
Oklahoma?
I'm a work in "progmess."
Good night, Ted.
You already won, you know?
You got that turkey
out of your life.
Beat them.
Good night, boss.
Oi, do I look all right?
Of course you do. Why?
Well, if Jack actually shows up,
Well, if Jack actually shows up,
I want him to think that I
look mysterious and powerful.
Dynamic, you know?
- All of that.
- You are mysterious, powerful and dynamic.
Shit, I'm nervous.
I think I need to go and
reapply my lip liner.
- I'll see you upstairs in the suite.
- Yep.
Hey, Rebecca!
- Rupert.
- Wonderful to see you.
- Bex. Love the new hair.
- Hi.
I haven't changed my hair.
Nor should you. It's perfection.
So, how's the little one?
Oh, yeah, Diane. She's already
walking. Can you believe that?
Yeah. Drooling and
pooing around the house.
Takes after her father.
Well. Hey, take it
easy on us today.
No promises.
Oh, shit.
Excuse me.
I've got a bit of
a situation here.
Thank you. But it's
actually not that.
You're a lifesaver!
Usually I'm like clockwork,
but because I've been so
stressed, I've come on early.
I'm so happy that it's a
super and not a skinny.
Who are those even for?
It's not like my vagina is on a
diet, I'm on my fucking period.
Oi, thanks for helping me.
And I love your shoes!
- Yeah. Thanks. Pay it forward.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Thanks. Pay it forward.
- Yeah.
Sorry. Excuse me.
Hi.
Boy, you're tall.
Is your dad a tree or something?
No, I'm screwing around.
Hey, speaking of trees, who
are y'all rooting for today?
West Ham.
Yeah, no, that
makes sense. Yeah.
Go ahead. Yeah. Going
down one more floor.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, of course.
Best of luck out there.
Hey, Nate. That you?
Hi. I didn't see you there.
- That's okay. How you been, man?
- Yeah, okay.
Yeah. Good.
Listen, Ted.
I just wanna say that
the way I left...
Nathan. There you are.
Yeah.
Hey, Rupert.
- Ted.
- Nice to see you again.
Good luck.
- Keeley? Yeah.
- She's absolutely fantastic.
Here she is now.
- Hey. Yeah.
- Keeley? This is Jack Danvers.
Hello.
I believe you have
something of mine.
Oh, fuck. You're Jack?
Oh, fuck. You're Jack?
This is a bit embarrassing.
- No.
- Yeah. We all thought you were a man.
Yeah, that too.
It's like that old riddle.
- What riddle?
- You know, always a tricky one, this one.
A father and son
are in a car wreck.
Dad dies instantly, the son is
rushed to an emergency room.
A surgeon walks in and says,
"I can't operate on
this boy. He's my son."
How is it possible?
- Because she's a woman.
- She's gay.
- Sperm donor.
- He lives in a simulation?
Right. Yeah, I guess
that's a bit dated now.
So, I assume "Jack" is short
for "Jacqueline," right?
No. It's short for my
father wanted a boy.
I'm gonna go and sit
down now, outside. Now.
Jack, welcome.
We are not allowed to
take drinks to our seats.
So if you want to get plastered,
we should probably do that now.
Okay.
Well, after you.
You're so funny, Rebecca.
Barbara's obsessed with Rebecca.
I hope she doesn't try and kill
her and wear her skin as a suit.
What the fuck?
Cheers. It's gonna
be a good day.
- All right, Baz.
- Oi!
This is a Richmond pub.
It's all right,
Mae. He's with me.
Get the fuck out!
Come on, Richmond!
Come on, Richmond!
Come on, Richmond!
It's a full house
for today's battle
between West Ham United
and Zava's AFC Richmond.
A win would take either team
to the top spot in the table,
knocking mighty Manchester
City off number one.
Should be a tight match,
Chris. Any predictions?
I stopped making
predictions, Arlo.
I stopped making
predictions, Arlo.
Because I was never wrong.
Got to the point I was worried I
was the one making things happen.
Well, that's interesting.
I knew you'd say that.
They fade and die
Fortune's always hiding
I've looked everywhere
I'm forever blowing bubbles
Pretty bubbles in the air
United! United!
United! United!
United! United!
Nate.
Let's have fun out
there today, yeah?
West Ham are quite happy to
just soak up the pressure.
Not taking any risks at
all against Richmond,
of all teams, at home.
- A sign of how far Richmond have come.
- It's all right. We're okay.
What a threat Zava is.
Richmond! To the right!
Tight! Don't get scared.
And it stays nil-nil, thanks
to an amazing save by Zoreaux.
- Van Damme.
- Van Damme!
I hear he wants to be
called "Van Damme" now.
Why?
Well, we'd probably have to dive
into his childhood for that answer.
Richmond need the key pass to
unlock the Hammers' defense.
That could be the one.
- Tartt hits the woodwork.
- No!
- That was close.
- Zava was wide open.
For Zava!
- There'll be two more minutes in the first half of this scoreless,
- There'll be two more minutes in the first half of this scoreless,
But pulsating, London derby.
- Obisanya caught in possession.
- No.
And here come West
Ham on the break.
Armando bearing down on goal.
- Yeah!
- Yes!
And it's there. Right
under Van Damme.
The Canadian keeper
apparently not as unstoppable
as the Muscles from Brussels.
That's not fair,
Arlo. Nobody is.
- We've been here before. Come on.
- Come on, lads.
The Hammers go up 1-nil
just before halftime.
Fuck it.
All right, guys. Come on, now.
Let's end this half strong!
Huddle.
What's this shit?
I don't know.
- Lower. Move it right. Five.
- Brilliant.
- Right now, come on. Five.
- Ref, just blow the fucking whistle.
West Ham pressing now.
- No.
- A new tactic from the Hammers
in the closing seconds
of the first half.
In the closing seconds
of the first half.
It's never too late
to change, Arlo.
- No!
- Fuck! Fuck you! Fuck!
And it's 2-nil. Oh, deary me.
Excuse me.
How did that happen?
We go to halftime.
Richmond have
dominated possession,
but out of absolutely nowhere,
it's 2-nil to the Hammers.
We don't deserve that.
What the fuck just happened?
I don't know.
Hey, fellas. I'll
be right back. Okay?
The fuck are you going?
- I'll just be a minute or two, okay?
- What do we tell the team?
I don't know. Surprise me.
Hey, boss. What you
doing down here?
I just wanted to tell you
that I believe in you, Ted.
Uh-huh?
And I know that I've been putting
an awful lot of pressure on you
And I know that I've been putting
an awful lot of pressure on you
to win today, but I just want
you to forget all about that.
Just be yourself and have fun.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Okay. Well, thank you.
I believe in you, Ted.
And it's intense.
- I better go. All right.
- Off you pop.
Remember, have fun!
Yes! This is so exciting!
No.
This is your surprise, huh?
A minute ago, they were
catatonic. Now look at them.
- They're killers. - Frankly, Ted, sometimes that's good.
- They're killers. - Frankly, Ted, sometimes that's good.
Oh, my. Richmond coming
out of the tunnel
with a palpable chip
on their shoulder.
Wow. A real tension on the pitch. I
think we're in for an exciting half.
We begin the second half with
Richmond looking for a strong start.
- Come on, boys. Fucking kill 'em.
- Fucking kill 'em.
- Here we go!
- Kill!
That's an awful tackle.
- He would be fortunate to escape...
- Oh, fuck.
With just a yellow.
It's a deserved
red, and Richmond
will play almost the entire
second half with ten men.
He's actually a very
sweet young man.
Here come West Ham.
- And now Van Damme has been sent off.
- And now Van Damme has been sent off.
- We're playing like Italians.
- I know.
It's awesome.
Oh, dear.
It's getting a touch
spicy out there.
Spicy, Arlo? This
is vintage vindaloo.
No.
Montlaur has lost his mind, and
Richmond have lost a third player.
Fucking come on.
- Richmond have completely lost the plot.
- Richmond have completely lost the plot.
Zava must be wondering what
he's done to deserve this.
Yes!
And it's 4-1 to the Hammers.
It went from evenly
matched to unevenly matched
to light a match on fire and
put it into a can of petrol.
That second half should've
come with a trigger warning.
One extraordinary goal by Zava did
not make it any less tough to watch.
Richmond showed a side of
themselves we've never seen before.
They played angry,
dirty and ugly.
Which are also the names of
Zava's three youngest kids.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
- Hey, it's okay.
- Shit.
Did you guys have fun?
Yeah.
The violence was quite
entertaining, wasn't it? In a way.
Sending off Van
Damme was a mistake.
He played with passion.
"Passion" is a word we use
when we talk about love.
It is also a word we
use to describe a crime.
Sometimes it is also a fruit.
Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry.
- We fucked up.
- We overcorrected and played with hate.
- Be great if you yelled at us a bit.
- Please.
- Call us pieces of shit or something. - Now.
- Call us pieces of shit or something. - Now.
You can hit us.
Get it over with.
Tried something new. It
didn't work. Big whoop.
I will take that thumb
drive one of y'all's got.
Shake it off, fellas. Lot of
football left this season.
- What a fucking arsehole.
- I know.
You have to feel pretty good about
yourself after that win, yeah?
Well, yeah. Richmond
were clearly rattled.
It was easier than I
expected, if I'm honest.
What about Ted?
Quite a snub not to shake his
hand at the end of the game.
Did I not? I didn't mean to.
I... Guess I just got caught up
in the excitement of it all. Yeah.
Excuse me a minute. I just...
Coach Shelley, Mr. Mannion
asked me to give you this.
He'll meet you there in an hour.
Thank...
- It's so good to see you, Rebecca.
- You too, Bex.
Oh, Rebecca, my dear.
- So sorry for your loss.
- Thank you.
Come on, old man. It's
way past your bedtime.
Lovely to see you.
I saw you with your assistant.
Your daughter deserves
better, and so does Bex.
- Stop fucking around.
- Stop fucking around.
Here you go.
We are normally a lot
better than that. And nicer.
Well, it's never great when your team
gets more red cards than goals, is it?
No.
What a shit show.
Anyway, good news.
Bantr's trending.
- It is?
- Yeah.
Pretty sure the change
to the bio line helped.
What are you talking about?
Who did this?
I did. This afternoon,
when I uploaded the vids.
You're welcome.
- Shandy.
- Yeah.
This is the opposite of
what Bantr is trying to do.
Are you joking?
They're gonna love it.
I've literally tripled their
subscribers in an hour.
You need to change
this back, now. Please.
You need to change
this back, now. Please.
Yeah.
It was really
lovely to meet you.
- You too.
- Excuse me.
Hey. Here he is!
The Wonder Kid himself.
The man of the hour!
Thank you very
much, Mr. Mannion.
Please, no. "Rupert."
Nathan.
Thanks, Ms. Kakes. That's...
And Nathan, allow me
to introduce Anastasia.
Huge fan.
Oh, my God. You're famous.
So are you.
Congratulations to your victory.
Yeah. Thank you.
Come on, Tartt! One
more before dinner!
Let's go, Coach.
That was hard to watch.
Thierry, West Ham's domination today
saw Ted Lasso being totally exposed
by his former
assistant Nate Shelley.
Gary, I love this quote from
a Chinese philosopher, Laozi,
"When the student is ready,
the teacher will appear.
When the student is truly ready,
the teacher will disappear."
The Greyhounds...
- Hi, Ted.
- Hey.
Sorry about the match.
No. That's all right.
It was a tough one.
Henry's not here right now.
He's at a birthday party,
- but I'll...
- No, that's okay.
I was actually hoping just to
chat with you. You got a minute?
Sure. Is everything okay?
Yeah. Well... No.
You know, I just...
I wanted to say
something real quick.
Look, I...
I know that you and I aren't,
you know, together anymore.
And I respect that. Okay? I do.
But, Well, you know,
this whole thing with you and
Dr. Jacob really ticks me off.
And I'm upset that we didn't
ever really get to talk about it
before it all started.
Yeah.
And look, I understand
that me saying all this,
might be the wrong
thing to do, but...
I just feel like
not saying it...
isn't the...
Well, wouldn't be the
right thing either.
'Cause we gotta raise this
little boy together, you know?
We're stuck with each other.
We're gonna share grandkids.
I love you, Michelle.
And I love Henry.
- And I love our family.
- And I love our family.
No matter what it looks like.
Okay?
Of course.
Well, I'll talk to y'all soon.
Have a good night.
Tell Henry I love him.
Good night, Ted.