Ted Lasso (2020–…): Season 2, Episode 12 - Inverting the Pyramid of Success - full transcript
Richmond gets their final chance to win promotion as Ted deals with the fallout of Trent Crimm's painfully honest exposé.
We're on in five seconds.
Four, three, two…
Good morning. It's Friday.
Glad you could join us.
I'm your host, Jeff Stelling,
here with Chris Kamara
and George Cartrick.
As we head into
the last weekend of the season,
we have an update on
those rumors of change at West Ham United.
But first, we turn our attention to
the championship
and AFC Richmond, the club of
our former foulmouthed colleague…
Roy Kent.
The headline this morning is
the news that
Ted Lasso left in the middle
of the Tottenham match this season
not due to stomach problems,
but because of a panic attack.
Lasso appears to be leaving?
George?
Lasso's clearly not fit to coach.
Come on now, George.
-Be compassionate.
-Come on. Come on, Jeff. Come on.
Would Bill Shankly have
a panic attack, eh? Would Brian Clough?
-Would Alex Ferguson have a panic attack?
-Be fair.
No, of course he wouldn't. Look,
if your ship's being attacked, right?
And you run to the bridge,
you want to find
a captain whose brain works,
not some big girl's blouse.
I miss Roy.
Hi, Ted.
Remember, the truth will set you free,
but first it'll piss you off.
I'm here if you want to talk.
Good luck this weekend.
Hey, fellas.
-Yeah.
-Good one.
Morning, Susan.
Are you all right, Ted?
Yes, ma'am.
Are you sure about that?
Hey, Coach.
Thank you.
Hey, wanker.
If my father had a panic attack
at Normandy,
we'd all be speaking German.
Yes, sir.
Just do the work, pal.
You'll be all right.
I assume you know
what that was all about, yeah?
Nope.
Those are lovely.
Who are they from?
Edwin Akufo.
"Sorry for your loss."
That was thoughtful of him.
He must've heard about
your father's passing.
I've not finished. "But we will give Sam
a very good home in Casablanca."
Still, nice gesture.
So, Leslie, any rumblings
about which way Sam's leaning?
Not a peep,
and I'm trying to play it chill.
So whenever I see him in a hallway,
I just give him a cool nod.
You know, like this.
Oh, shit. That was cool.
I know, right?
I saw it in a Denzel Washington movie,
and I thought, "I'm taking that."
Still, it's not looking great.
Hey. What's the story, Paul Shorey?
Ted.
So sorry about the article, Ted.
Oh, that's okay, Keeley.
You know what they say.
No such thing as bad publicity, right?
Although, I think they might've been
wrong about that one,
which is a bummer 'cause they were spot on
with the beer before liquor thing.
-Here you go, boss.
-Thank you, Ted.
And you know that
you have our full support.
I appreciate that.
I still wish I could've done something
before that dick Trent Crimm
posted the article.
Oh, no, come on. Trent's a good guy.
He's just doing the gig.
Well, don't worry. I'm gonna speak
directly to the owner of the paper
and see who this anonymous source was.
Nah, come on, no need.
Fact is, everything they said was true.
And unlike Lieutenant Kaffee,
I actually can handle the truth.
Well then, my advice is
no press until after the match.
I agree.
Concentrate on the task in hand,
beating Brentford.
Yes, because if we lose, it will kill me.
Please don't lose, Ted. I beg you.
Hey, don't you worry, Hig Newton.
I'm on it like a bonnet.
Oh, God. These taste like shit.
Oh, yeah. Well, it was a rough night,
and I am now absolutely positive that
I switched the salt and sugar.
I'm sorry about that.
No, no, no.
No, it's interesting.
She's a sneaky, salty bitch.
Like Heather Locklear
on Melrose Place, right?
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.
Right?
-That's exactly how you'd describe her.
-Yeah.
Oh, Heather.
Hello.
-I will not be safe out there.
-Hey.
All right?
Is Roy here?
I don't hear any grunting.
-Hey, morning.
-Morning, Nate.
Is Roy here?
No.
You seen this?
Yes. It's awful.
-Yeah.
-Yeah. It was awful.
Yeah.
Roy--
Jamie's looking for you.
Oh, is he?
Oi!
Tartt!
Me?
Through there? Yeah.
Wait.
Can I just say something first?
Yeah, okay. That's a good idea
'cause when I'm done,
you won't have any teeth left,
and you'll need them for the talking bit.
Right. Yeah, okay.
So, at Rebecca's dad's funeral,
I told Keeley that I still loved her.
It was wrong,
and I shouldn't have done it,
but I ain't used to being around
dead people.
It just-- It did something to me,
emotionally, you know?
But I still-- I shouldn't have done it,
and it was wrong,
but I just need you to know that
I respect you,
and I respect Keeley,
and I respect your relationship,
and I will never ever do
anything like that ever again.
Fuck!
Sorry. I kind of froze
when you two came in here,
and I just didn't know what to do.
All right.
Yeah, no, it definitely sounds
both helpful and compassionate.
But I don't think that
you moderating a session between
Coach Lasso and a celebrity psychiatrist
is the best move right now.
All his attention is on Brentford.
Thank you very much.
Fuck you, Piers Morgan.
Holy fucking shit!
Oh, my…
Circle up!
Thank you, Coach.
Hey, fellas.
Before we get started here,
I wanted to talk to y'all about
the article you saw
in the paper this morning.
Actually, y'all probably saw it
on your phones.
I still get the paper, 'cause, well,
you can't cut cartoons
out of a phone, right?
Yeah, but you can screenshot them
and text them.
That's copyright infringement, bruv.
I hear you, Zoreaux,
but you can't hang a screenshot
on a fridge either.
My refrigerator has a television.
I think I have the same one.
-I bought it--
-The point is,
y'all found out about something
from somewhere,
when you should've found out about it
from me first.
But I chose not to tell y'all,
and that was dumb.
You know, fellas, we make a lot of choices
in our lives every single day,
ranging from, "Am I really about to eat
something called Greek yogurt?"
To, "Should I leave my family
and take a job halfway around the world?"
Me choosing not to be forthright
with y'all, that was a bad choice.
But I can't be wasting time
wishing for a do-over on all that.
'Cause that ain't how choices work.
No, sir. No.
That choice,
and my Chicago Bulls Starter jacket
that I let Janelle Rhodes borrow
my sophomore year 'cause
she spilled ketchup all over herself,
and it looked like she'd been shot,
those are two things I ain't getting back.
'Cause every choice is a chance, fellas.
And I didn't give myself the chance
to build further trust with y'all.
To quote the great UCLA college
basketball coach, John Obi-Wan Gandalf,
"It is our choices, gentlemen,
that show what we truly are,
far more than our abilities."
Now, I hope y'all can forgive me
for what I've done.
'Cause I sure as heck wouldn't want
any of y'all to hold anything back
with me.
-Nah, we got you, Coach. We got you.
-We got you, Coach.
Yeah, no problem, gaffer.
And when we sniff out the rat,
permission to take socks full of soap
to their stomach and chest?
We're gonna find 'em and fuck 'em up!
-Yeah!
-We'll kill him!
Follow the money!
No, fellas, look. I'm gonna
nip that talk in the butt right now.
It's "bud" not "butt," Coach.
It is? 'Cause of flowers, right?
Horticulture, baby!
That makes more sense.
I appreciate that. Thank you.
No, look, gentlemen. I want us to focus on
something a little bit more productive,
like working on
Nate the Great's false nine.
-How's that sound? Okay, good.
-Yes. Yeah.
Okay, anybody got any questions
before we get started?
-Yeah, I got one.
-Yeah, Jamie, what do you got?
What are we gonna do
with that fucking thing there?
Yeah, that's a good point. Okay.
Well, tell you what,
let's all head to the north field,
and if you guys hustle, that'll count as
our cardio for today, yeah?
Scram! Whistle! Whistle!
Come in.
What's this?
This is Mascot Idol: Semifinals.
One of these two contestants will be
our new mascot.
Will it be Macy Greyhound
or Tina Feyhound?
Are they all from Barkingham Palace?
Yep.
Miss Campbell here runs the shelter.
London's premier all-female dog breeder.
Suzi Campbell. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Huge fan.
Oh, thanks.
Huge fan.
Thank you.
Is now a bad time?
No. Could you give us a minute, please?
Sure.
Wow.
Nice to meet you.
Something wrong?
Actually, something is incredibly right.
The money people that back Bantr,
they wanna finance me opening
my own PR firm.
Oh, my God!
I know, right?
I need some advice.
I'm flattered that you came to me
instead of Ted or Roy.
They're at training.
Well, instead of Rebecca then.
She's the one I'm afraid of telling.
I'm happy to be on the list.
I'm scared.
Well, look. That is perfectly natural.
It can be terrifying becoming a boss.
No. I'm scared of telling
Rebecca I'm leaving.
Oh, right. Because she's so intimidating.
No. She's one of my best friends.
Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes.
And you leaving would be
a betrayal on a level
usually reserved for Greek mythology.
No.
I just-- I don't want to appear
like I'm not grateful
for the amazing opportunity
she's given me here.
Keeley, a good mentor
hopes you will move on.
A great mentor knows you will.
I like that.
Yeah? Just made it up.
Wow.
I told Edwin Akufo I would give him
my answer after the match on Sunday.
Does this mean
you've made a decision?
I think so.
Yes?
I don't know.
I'd be crazy not to go, right?
Samuel, you're overthinking this. Relax.
Stop looking for the answer
and let the answer come to you.
If you open yourself to it,
the universe will give you a sign.
Daddy, with all due respect,
isn't this decision too important
to be left to the universe?
The universe
has always put me on the right path.
The universe told me to marry your mother
and to buy Bitcoin in 2009.
2009!
Okay, Dad. I'll keep an eye out
for any messages from the universe.
-I love you.
-I love you.
This morning, Jamie apologized to me
for what he said to you at the funeral.
I didn't say anything.
I know. He said he did it on his own.
What did you do?
What do you think I did?
Punched him.
-Headbutted him.
-Keep going.
Did you murder him?
No. Worse. I fucking forgave him.
It's disgusting, innit?
No. I'm really proud of you.
I fully support that.
Wait. I've got some news too.
For fuck's sake. Don't tell me Ted
tried to get off with you and all.
The VC that back Bantr,
they want to finance me
opening my own PR firm.
Holy fucking shit. That is huge.
You are a fucking CEO and shit.
That's amazing.
I know.
I love you so much.
Look at you. The boss.
Not gonna have time for me anymore.
Shut your pretty mouth.
Just need a second. It's Jane.
How's all that going?
We broke up.
We're back on.
Here you go, boys.
Thanks, Mae.
Thanks, Mae.
Don't worry about it, Ted.
It'll all wash out in a cycle.
It always does.
Thank you, Mae.
I was finished anyway.
We're opening the champagne.
What? No, I thought we were saving that
for something really, really special.
Well, we didn't open it
when your mum moved back up north.
We didn't open it when England
got zero points in the Eurovision.
And we didn't open it when the neighbor
ran over their own snake.
That was nasty.
So we are drinking it tonight. Duck.
Yay.
Shit!
Lizzy just sent over
a preview of the Vanity Fair article.
Oh, shit. They better not have used
any pictures of me smiling.
Like that exists.
Wow.
Oh, no.
They didn't use any of the pictures
with you in them.
Shit, I'm so sorry, Roy.
That is not cool.
-I'm gonna reach out and change that.
-Don't you dare.
Don't you change a fucking thing.
You look powerful.
You're fucking gorgeous.
You look like a BILF.
Oh, yeah? Go on, show me, then.
So…
Are you gonna say anything?
Well, I mean, eventually, yeah.
You may have noticed through the years
I can be quite loquacious.
No. To Nate.
The anonymous source.
Wow. What makes you think it was Nate?
Yeah.
Well, you know my philosophy
when it comes to cats,
babies and apologies, Coach.
You gotta let 'em come to you.
That's not gonna happen.
Some people need a little push.
Yeah. Well, I ain't pushing nobody.
I think it'll help.
Nate will be fine.
No. It'll help you.
Coach,
you keep trying to hold all this in,
I'm afraid your mustache is gonna pop off.
Then I'll look like that fella
from The Hangover.
Bradley Cooper.
You're too good to me.
And I like your mustache.
Hi, babe.
Hi.
Have you got a second?
Of course.
I'm so sorry.
No, don't be.
It's good.
You helped this panda
become a lion.
I'm so proud of you.
Thank you.
Holy fucking shit.
Oh, no. Now what?
Rupert's just bought West Ham United.
No.
And to think for a second, I thought
him giving me his shares in the club
was a kind gesture.
You know, I'm actually
quite reassured to find out
that he is still
just a selfish conniving cock.
Yeah. It does return a certain balance
to the universe, doesn't it?
Promise me
you will not go and work for him.
He can't afford me.
Richmond is my football club.
You know that.
Well, that's if we get promoted.
You might not want to work with us.
That's fair.
A bit of advice for being a boss.
Hire your best friend.
Fuck you.
Now I'm crying again.
Anyone want a ticket?
-All right, Mae?
-Oi, oi, Mae!
-Come on, Richmond!
-Come on, Richmond!
Come on, Richmond!
You get out there and you beat 'em.
We'll smash it, right?
You get them. Fuck 'em.
Go, Coach.
Good afternoon.
-Good afternoon.
-Afternoon.
All right. Y'all good to go on running
Nate's false nine today, yeah?
Well, you'd be fools not to.
All right.
Yeah, we ought to give it a shot.
Why change it now?
I agree.
Did you
get kicked out of your office again?
No, no. Temporary relocation
while they change the carpet in there.
It was absolutely covered in dog shit.
Oh, yeah. No, been there, done that.
Okay. Well, anybody else
got anything they wanna talk about
before we head out there?
Yeah.
I could…
use some…
advice.
Hold on.
Roy, are you saying
you wanna become a Diamond Dog?
Fuck no. I'm just saying I wouldn't mind
being in the room
whilst it fucking happens.
Yeah. Okay. Well,
how about a one-time visitor's pass
for our junkyard dog here, yeah?
Diamond Dogs, mount up!
Yeah. I gotcha.
-Yeah. I'm just gonna stay put.
-Okay. Good idea. Yeah.
You live, you learn, right?
Thank you, Alanis.
All right. Roy.
Bark away.
Remember I told you I had to do
that photo shoot thing with Keeley?
-Yeah, we got it.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
I know I said
I fucking hate doing those things,
and I do fucking hate doing those things.
But in the end,
they didn't use a single picture
with me in it.
And it hurt my…
feeling.
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.
In year five,
I was not allowed in the class photo
because I developed a rare smile allergy.
Not the same situation.
The thing is…
she looked so fucking great.
On her own.
Without me.
So natural.
I--
It would've actually been
fucking weird if I was in the pictures.
And then at Rebecca's dad's funeral,
Jamie fucking Tartt tells her
he's fucking in love with her.
And he's still alive?
Yeah. Instead of beating him to death,
I fucking forgave him.
I'm still fucking furious about it.
Okay. Well, Roy,
we appreciate you barking at us.
There's something
I have to confess as well.
Go ahead, Nate-dawg.
Roy,
when Keeley and I went shopping
the other day, I kissed her.
Yeah. She told me about it.
It's okay.
I kissed her.
I kissed your girlfriend.
We're good.
All Jamie did was talk to her,
and you wanted to kill him.
Don't you at least
wanna headbutt me or something?
You made a mistake, Nate.
Don't worry about it.
No, no, I deserve to be headbutted.
I'd be happy to headbutt you, Nate.
Okay, you know what?
I think that's enough right now.
We got work to do, yeah?
Diamond Dogs dismount?
Wait. So sometimes
the fucking Diamond Dogs
is just chatting about shit,
and no one has to fucking solve anything
and nothing fucking changes?
Sometimes. Yeah.
That's cool.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Oh, my God.
Yes, yes, yes!
It's the 83rd clash
between these two teams
and there's never been more at stake.
Brentford with the lead but Richmond
are still in their unusual
false nine formation.
I don't like it, Arlo. The last match
of the season for promotion.
It's a funny time to be pulling out
a new strategy.
Richmond trying to even it up
before the half,
but they give away possession,
and Brentford have numbers.
Yeah!
-Fuck!
-And that's 2-nil to Brentford.
You try new tactics this late
with this much at stake
and everyone loses their heads.
Stay back! How many times
do I have to fucking tell ya? Stay back.
It's all right.
Hey. We're all right!
It's okay! Come on now!
And it's halftime
of what has been a pulsating
West London derby.
Brentford lead 2-nil,
and Richmond are letting
a golden opportunity
slip through their fingers.
I'ma shoot y'all straight.
This is bleak, yeah?
I mean, look at it out there.
Looks like a Renaissance painting
portraying masculine melancholy.
Okay, so now what?
What we gonna do?
We should abandon the false nine.
It'd work if we had players
who knew what the fuck they were doing.
Yeah, I don't agree, Nate. You know,
I think we gotta stick with it, man.
You know, they just had 45 minutes
to figure out what not to do. Yeah?
What do you think, Roy?
You should ask them.
They're the ones out there
actually doing this shit.
Yeah, all right.
All right, fellas.
Coaches and I are having a little debate
and wanna get y'all's take on it.
Should we stick with the false nine
or switch it up?
The tactic is sound, and we're all
perfectly capable of executing it.
It will work.
Hey, if Jan Maas says it,
you know it's the truth, right?
I wouldn't lie to you.
For instance, Zoreaux,
you should have saved that first goal.
Bro.
Okay. It's been decided.
We're gonna stick with Nate's false nine.
-Now, come on. Bring it in. Let's go.
-Here we go, Greyhounds!
Hey, Captain?
You gonna join us?
Richmond on three.
One, two, three…
Richmond!
Here we go, Richmond!
Hey, Nate.
Hey.
Everything okay?
Yes, Ted. Everything is okay.
What is it? What'd I do?
What are you talking about?
Oh, come on, man. You're mad as hell
at me. I just wanna know why.
Huh? What have I got to learn here?
-You wanna know what you did?
-Yeah, please.
Okay. I'll tell you what you did.
You made me feel like I was the most
important person in the whole world.
And then, you abandoned me.
Like you switched out a light,
just like that.
And I worked my ass off,
trying to get your attention back.
To prove myself to you.
To make you like me again.
But the more I did, the less you cared.
It was like I was fucking invisible.
You haven't even got the photo I gave
you for Christmas up in your office.
Just a picture of dumb Americans.
Now you're gonna play Nate's false nine,
so when the team fuck up,
which they will, hey,
you can blame it on me.
Well, no. Fuck that.
Everybody loves you.
The Great Ted Lasso.
Well, I think you're a fucking joke.
Without me,
you wouldn't have won a single match.
They would've shipped your ass
back to Kansas, where you belong.
With your son.
'Cause you sure as hell
don't belong here.
But I do. I belong here.
This didn't just fall into my lap,
all right? I earned this.
I know you did, Nate.
And if I didn't tell you how important you
were to me enough, I'm sorry about that.
No, no. You know what?
You're full of shit.
Just fuck you, Ted.
Richmond down two,
sticking with their false nine formation
as Brentford are on the attack.
Chris, is time running out on Richmond's
chances to control their future?
Only if you think of time as linear, Arlo.
Yes, Chris. I do.
Good pressure from Rojas.
That's lovely from Tartt.
Obisanya is in.
He scores!
And thanks to that Obisanya goal,
Richmond's hopes for promotion
are still alive.
Let's go! Let's go! Come on! One more!
Oh, my God!
That's how you play a false nine, Arlo.
Pack the midfield, stay organized.
Look for the gaps. Well done.
-Hey, here we go!
-Yes! Yes, yes, yes!
Yes!
All the other results are in.
AFC Richmond,
miraculously after a historically
dreadful start to the season,
are only one point out of second place.
Come on, Richmond.
Come on, Richmond.
Come on, Richmond.
Come on, Richmond.
If they can somehow salvage a draw,
Richmond will be promoted
back to the Premier League.
All they need is one moment
of individual brilliance, Arlo.
-Come on, Richmond.
-Can they find it in time?
Come on, Richmond.
Come on, Richmond.
Come on, Richmond. Come on,
Richmond. Come on, Richmond…
A long ball from the Dutchman.
Tartt is there!
Is this the moment for Richmond?
Referee!
Referee!
It's a penalty.
Yeah!
-Yes!
-Yes! Yes!
We have to think
Tartt will be the one to take it.
He hasn't missed a penalty all season.
Dani.
You got this, muchacho.
It'll be fun. Trust me.
It looks like Tartt
is giving the ball to Rojas,
who hasn't kicked a penalty since, well…
Come on, Dani!
Let's go, Dani!
Here we go, Dani!
Football is life.
Richmond have done it!
With that goal,
they'll finish in second place
and will return to the Premier League
in their very first attempt.
We are going up!
We are going up!
We are going up!
Yeah, we are going up!
Yeah!
It's all over!
Richmond have done the impossible
through grit, determination
and most of all belief!
I was promoted a time or two
in my career, Arlo.
It's a real achievement.
Richmond deserve this.
They remain a club without
a major trophy, it must be said.
But it won't feel that way tonight.
Final score: Richmond 2, Brentford 2.
And the joy is back at Nelson Road.
-Yeah!
-Hey! Come on! Come on!
Fucking hell!
What'd you do that for?
So I could do this.
-Yeah!
-Yeah!
Yes! Let's go!
Yeah!
Yeah!
-You want some water?
-Yes, please.
We're Richmond till we die
We know we are, we're sure we are
We're Richmond till we die
We're Richmond till we die
We're Richmond till we die
We know we are, we're sure we are
We're Richmond till we die
We're Richmond till we die
We're Richmond till we die
We know we are, we're sure we are
We're Richmond till we die
We're Richmond till we die
Sam.
We know we are, we're sure we are
We're Richmond till we die
We're Richmond till we die
We know we are, we're sure we are
We're Richmond till we die
Sam! Hey. Sammo, hey.
Excellent performance.
Yeah, the goal, of course,
speaks for itself, yeah.
But your tactical discipline, hey.
They are certainly
going to miss you around here.
Mr. Akufo.
I truly enjoyed meeting you,
and I'm so flattered by your offer.
I'm sorry, but my answer is,
"No, thank you."
And I don't believe
my time here at Richmond is over.
And for that reason, I have to stay.
I hope you can understand.
You Nigerian motherfucker!
You Yoruba trash.
Who the fuck do you think you are,
wasting my time?
You medium-talent piece of shit.
"Medium-talent"?
I will dedicate my life to destroying you,
you fucking asshole!
You will never play
on the Nigerian national team.
You understand me, pinky-dick? Never!
I will buy your childhood home,
and I will take a shit in every room.
And then I will burn the place down.
Yeah. Then, I will sit there,
and I'll eat kenkey,
and I'll poop on the fucking ashes.
I promise you this, hey.
Okay.
I will never forget this disrespect.
Fuck you, Sam Obisanya.
Fucking dare!
That dick!
Yes.
Poop, poop.
Okay, y'all. Hey, settle down, y'all.
Okay, okay. Easy, easy now.
Easy. Hey, hey.
Y'all, come on. Calm down, all right?
Look--
Well, right off the cricket bat here,
I wanna address the article
written by our good friend,
Mr. Trent Crimm from The…
Or rather,
I want to share with y'all the truth
about my recent struggles with anxiety.
And, well, my overall concern
about the way we discuss
and deal with mental health in athletics.
Hey, boss. Just wanted to congratulate you
on your promotion.
You too, Ted. Champagne to celebrate?
-I'll just take a glass of water, please.
-Still or sparkling?
Yes. Still. Right.
You know, before living here,
I used to think still water
was just folks saying it's still water,
you know?
Like, it was water, and it continues
to remain to be water.
Well, there's no greater education
than travel.
A-freaking-men.
Well, hey. Next season
should be fun, right?
Well, one that'll include an old friend.
Rupert's bought West Ham United.
Did he now?
Well, that'll be a nice change.
Having our run-ins with him
being scheduled,
as opposed to his normal sneak attacks.
Hi, Rebecca.
And Coach.
Sorry.
No. Hey. Sam, go ahead. Stick around.
I was getting ready to leave.
-No, Ted. Stay.
-No, no, no, no. It's okay.
Yeah. Okay.
I just wanted to let you both know
that I've decided to stay.
Hey, that's great, Sam.
Yes. I'm glad to hear that, Sam.
How did Edwin Akufo take the news?
Not well. He stormed off.
He's already halfway back to Ghana.
Oh, shoot. I was really looking forward
to that goodbye handshake from Francis.
Well, I should go.
Hey, Sam. I was just curious.
What-- Why'd you decide to stay?
I wish I could say
it was because of my feelings for you,
but the truth is, I think I need to stop
worrying about how others feel about me.
I'm staying because it's what's best
for me and my personal journey.
Thank you.
He might have been talking to you
when he was looking at me.
Yes. I know that, Ted.
-Oh, hell. You crushed that.
-Yeah.
Coach Lasso.
Hey. There he is. I was worried about you.
I thought you might've been
in a bike accident.
Actually,
I don't know how to ride a bicycle.
Really? That surprises me.
Why?
'Cause of the hair and the whole vibe?
Yeah, I guess so.
Why the heck
weren't you at the press conference?
Because I am no longer a reporter.
I was fired when they found out
I revealed an anonymous source.
Oh, snap.
I didn't say anything, I promise.
No, I know, Ted. I did.
I'm looking for something different.
Deeper.
Well, as the man says,
you gotta follow your bliss, right?
Sorry you're out of a job.
You know what this makes you now,
though, right?
Trent Crimm. Independent.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. My father made the same joke.
Yeah. He sounds like a cool guy.
Well, I hope our paths cross again soon,
Trent.
As do I, Ted. I love our chats.
You want a ride?
Well, I prefer to walk,
but I appreciate ya.
And Ted,
good luck next season.
Shit.
-This the last of it?
-Yeah. Just these and Trixibelle.
Right.
I got you a last-day-
working-in-the-same-building present.
Here.
Airplane tickets?
You got me airplane tickets?
To Marbella.
How did you get actual printed tickets?
From my travel agent, Kathy.
She's old-school.
Roy, are you sure
they still take paper tickets at airports?
Like, is the plane gonna have propellers?
Oh, my God. Am I gonna be able
to smoke on the flight?
Right, stop it. You are missing the point.
Tomorrow, you and I
are going to a villa by the sea
for six weeks
so you can chill out before
you start kicking ass in your new job.
And I'm going to take the first holiday
I've taken since I was 12,
where I don't have to stay in shape
or rehab my fucking knee.
I'm gonna gorge myself to death on tapas,
and it will take fucking ages.
Babe, thank you.
But I can't go.
What? Why not?
I don't start work in six weeks.
-I started like a week ago.
-Yeah, I know.
That's why I made sure the place
has got proper Wi-Fi and everything.
You can do all your emails and shit,
but from a balcony with a sea view.
Roy, I'd love to. But I can't.
I just can't.
But you should go.
Are we breaking up?
No. Why would you say that?
Of course not.
You are gonna take a well-earned holiday
while I lock myself in a dark room
and work nonstop.
And I'll see you in six weeks.
Keeley.
Roy. I love you.
We'll be fine.
I'll see you in six weeks.
Congratulations.
What's it gonna be?
A Nigerian restaurant.
-Move! I want it faster! Go!
-Coach! Sir!
-Move!
-Coach!
-Next. Go.
-Sir!
-Move it!
-Coach!
-Go!
-Sir!
-Move! Go!
-Coach!
-Move! Go!
-Coach! Sir!
-Move!
-Coach!
Four, three, two…
Good morning. It's Friday.
Glad you could join us.
I'm your host, Jeff Stelling,
here with Chris Kamara
and George Cartrick.
As we head into
the last weekend of the season,
we have an update on
those rumors of change at West Ham United.
But first, we turn our attention to
the championship
and AFC Richmond, the club of
our former foulmouthed colleague…
Roy Kent.
The headline this morning is
the news that
Ted Lasso left in the middle
of the Tottenham match this season
not due to stomach problems,
but because of a panic attack.
Lasso appears to be leaving?
George?
Lasso's clearly not fit to coach.
Come on now, George.
-Be compassionate.
-Come on. Come on, Jeff. Come on.
Would Bill Shankly have
a panic attack, eh? Would Brian Clough?
-Would Alex Ferguson have a panic attack?
-Be fair.
No, of course he wouldn't. Look,
if your ship's being attacked, right?
And you run to the bridge,
you want to find
a captain whose brain works,
not some big girl's blouse.
I miss Roy.
Hi, Ted.
Remember, the truth will set you free,
but first it'll piss you off.
I'm here if you want to talk.
Good luck this weekend.
Hey, fellas.
-Yeah.
-Good one.
Morning, Susan.
Are you all right, Ted?
Yes, ma'am.
Are you sure about that?
Hey, Coach.
Thank you.
Hey, wanker.
If my father had a panic attack
at Normandy,
we'd all be speaking German.
Yes, sir.
Just do the work, pal.
You'll be all right.
I assume you know
what that was all about, yeah?
Nope.
Those are lovely.
Who are they from?
Edwin Akufo.
"Sorry for your loss."
That was thoughtful of him.
He must've heard about
your father's passing.
I've not finished. "But we will give Sam
a very good home in Casablanca."
Still, nice gesture.
So, Leslie, any rumblings
about which way Sam's leaning?
Not a peep,
and I'm trying to play it chill.
So whenever I see him in a hallway,
I just give him a cool nod.
You know, like this.
Oh, shit. That was cool.
I know, right?
I saw it in a Denzel Washington movie,
and I thought, "I'm taking that."
Still, it's not looking great.
Hey. What's the story, Paul Shorey?
Ted.
So sorry about the article, Ted.
Oh, that's okay, Keeley.
You know what they say.
No such thing as bad publicity, right?
Although, I think they might've been
wrong about that one,
which is a bummer 'cause they were spot on
with the beer before liquor thing.
-Here you go, boss.
-Thank you, Ted.
And you know that
you have our full support.
I appreciate that.
I still wish I could've done something
before that dick Trent Crimm
posted the article.
Oh, no, come on. Trent's a good guy.
He's just doing the gig.
Well, don't worry. I'm gonna speak
directly to the owner of the paper
and see who this anonymous source was.
Nah, come on, no need.
Fact is, everything they said was true.
And unlike Lieutenant Kaffee,
I actually can handle the truth.
Well then, my advice is
no press until after the match.
I agree.
Concentrate on the task in hand,
beating Brentford.
Yes, because if we lose, it will kill me.
Please don't lose, Ted. I beg you.
Hey, don't you worry, Hig Newton.
I'm on it like a bonnet.
Oh, God. These taste like shit.
Oh, yeah. Well, it was a rough night,
and I am now absolutely positive that
I switched the salt and sugar.
I'm sorry about that.
No, no, no.
No, it's interesting.
She's a sneaky, salty bitch.
Like Heather Locklear
on Melrose Place, right?
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.
Right?
-That's exactly how you'd describe her.
-Yeah.
Oh, Heather.
Hello.
-I will not be safe out there.
-Hey.
All right?
Is Roy here?
I don't hear any grunting.
-Hey, morning.
-Morning, Nate.
Is Roy here?
No.
You seen this?
Yes. It's awful.
-Yeah.
-Yeah. It was awful.
Yeah.
Roy--
Jamie's looking for you.
Oh, is he?
Oi!
Tartt!
Me?
Through there? Yeah.
Wait.
Can I just say something first?
Yeah, okay. That's a good idea
'cause when I'm done,
you won't have any teeth left,
and you'll need them for the talking bit.
Right. Yeah, okay.
So, at Rebecca's dad's funeral,
I told Keeley that I still loved her.
It was wrong,
and I shouldn't have done it,
but I ain't used to being around
dead people.
It just-- It did something to me,
emotionally, you know?
But I still-- I shouldn't have done it,
and it was wrong,
but I just need you to know that
I respect you,
and I respect Keeley,
and I respect your relationship,
and I will never ever do
anything like that ever again.
Fuck!
Sorry. I kind of froze
when you two came in here,
and I just didn't know what to do.
All right.
Yeah, no, it definitely sounds
both helpful and compassionate.
But I don't think that
you moderating a session between
Coach Lasso and a celebrity psychiatrist
is the best move right now.
All his attention is on Brentford.
Thank you very much.
Fuck you, Piers Morgan.
Holy fucking shit!
Oh, my…
Circle up!
Thank you, Coach.
Hey, fellas.
Before we get started here,
I wanted to talk to y'all about
the article you saw
in the paper this morning.
Actually, y'all probably saw it
on your phones.
I still get the paper, 'cause, well,
you can't cut cartoons
out of a phone, right?
Yeah, but you can screenshot them
and text them.
That's copyright infringement, bruv.
I hear you, Zoreaux,
but you can't hang a screenshot
on a fridge either.
My refrigerator has a television.
I think I have the same one.
-I bought it--
-The point is,
y'all found out about something
from somewhere,
when you should've found out about it
from me first.
But I chose not to tell y'all,
and that was dumb.
You know, fellas, we make a lot of choices
in our lives every single day,
ranging from, "Am I really about to eat
something called Greek yogurt?"
To, "Should I leave my family
and take a job halfway around the world?"
Me choosing not to be forthright
with y'all, that was a bad choice.
But I can't be wasting time
wishing for a do-over on all that.
'Cause that ain't how choices work.
No, sir. No.
That choice,
and my Chicago Bulls Starter jacket
that I let Janelle Rhodes borrow
my sophomore year 'cause
she spilled ketchup all over herself,
and it looked like she'd been shot,
those are two things I ain't getting back.
'Cause every choice is a chance, fellas.
And I didn't give myself the chance
to build further trust with y'all.
To quote the great UCLA college
basketball coach, John Obi-Wan Gandalf,
"It is our choices, gentlemen,
that show what we truly are,
far more than our abilities."
Now, I hope y'all can forgive me
for what I've done.
'Cause I sure as heck wouldn't want
any of y'all to hold anything back
with me.
-Nah, we got you, Coach. We got you.
-We got you, Coach.
Yeah, no problem, gaffer.
And when we sniff out the rat,
permission to take socks full of soap
to their stomach and chest?
We're gonna find 'em and fuck 'em up!
-Yeah!
-We'll kill him!
Follow the money!
No, fellas, look. I'm gonna
nip that talk in the butt right now.
It's "bud" not "butt," Coach.
It is? 'Cause of flowers, right?
Horticulture, baby!
That makes more sense.
I appreciate that. Thank you.
No, look, gentlemen. I want us to focus on
something a little bit more productive,
like working on
Nate the Great's false nine.
-How's that sound? Okay, good.
-Yes. Yeah.
Okay, anybody got any questions
before we get started?
-Yeah, I got one.
-Yeah, Jamie, what do you got?
What are we gonna do
with that fucking thing there?
Yeah, that's a good point. Okay.
Well, tell you what,
let's all head to the north field,
and if you guys hustle, that'll count as
our cardio for today, yeah?
Scram! Whistle! Whistle!
Come in.
What's this?
This is Mascot Idol: Semifinals.
One of these two contestants will be
our new mascot.
Will it be Macy Greyhound
or Tina Feyhound?
Are they all from Barkingham Palace?
Yep.
Miss Campbell here runs the shelter.
London's premier all-female dog breeder.
Suzi Campbell. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Huge fan.
Oh, thanks.
Huge fan.
Thank you.
Is now a bad time?
No. Could you give us a minute, please?
Sure.
Wow.
Nice to meet you.
Something wrong?
Actually, something is incredibly right.
The money people that back Bantr,
they wanna finance me opening
my own PR firm.
Oh, my God!
I know, right?
I need some advice.
I'm flattered that you came to me
instead of Ted or Roy.
They're at training.
Well, instead of Rebecca then.
She's the one I'm afraid of telling.
I'm happy to be on the list.
I'm scared.
Well, look. That is perfectly natural.
It can be terrifying becoming a boss.
No. I'm scared of telling
Rebecca I'm leaving.
Oh, right. Because she's so intimidating.
No. She's one of my best friends.
Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes.
And you leaving would be
a betrayal on a level
usually reserved for Greek mythology.
No.
I just-- I don't want to appear
like I'm not grateful
for the amazing opportunity
she's given me here.
Keeley, a good mentor
hopes you will move on.
A great mentor knows you will.
I like that.
Yeah? Just made it up.
Wow.
I told Edwin Akufo I would give him
my answer after the match on Sunday.
Does this mean
you've made a decision?
I think so.
Yes?
I don't know.
I'd be crazy not to go, right?
Samuel, you're overthinking this. Relax.
Stop looking for the answer
and let the answer come to you.
If you open yourself to it,
the universe will give you a sign.
Daddy, with all due respect,
isn't this decision too important
to be left to the universe?
The universe
has always put me on the right path.
The universe told me to marry your mother
and to buy Bitcoin in 2009.
2009!
Okay, Dad. I'll keep an eye out
for any messages from the universe.
-I love you.
-I love you.
This morning, Jamie apologized to me
for what he said to you at the funeral.
I didn't say anything.
I know. He said he did it on his own.
What did you do?
What do you think I did?
Punched him.
-Headbutted him.
-Keep going.
Did you murder him?
No. Worse. I fucking forgave him.
It's disgusting, innit?
No. I'm really proud of you.
I fully support that.
Wait. I've got some news too.
For fuck's sake. Don't tell me Ted
tried to get off with you and all.
The VC that back Bantr,
they want to finance me
opening my own PR firm.
Holy fucking shit. That is huge.
You are a fucking CEO and shit.
That's amazing.
I know.
I love you so much.
Look at you. The boss.
Not gonna have time for me anymore.
Shut your pretty mouth.
Just need a second. It's Jane.
How's all that going?
We broke up.
We're back on.
Here you go, boys.
Thanks, Mae.
Thanks, Mae.
Don't worry about it, Ted.
It'll all wash out in a cycle.
It always does.
Thank you, Mae.
I was finished anyway.
We're opening the champagne.
What? No, I thought we were saving that
for something really, really special.
Well, we didn't open it
when your mum moved back up north.
We didn't open it when England
got zero points in the Eurovision.
And we didn't open it when the neighbor
ran over their own snake.
That was nasty.
So we are drinking it tonight. Duck.
Yay.
Shit!
Lizzy just sent over
a preview of the Vanity Fair article.
Oh, shit. They better not have used
any pictures of me smiling.
Like that exists.
Wow.
Oh, no.
They didn't use any of the pictures
with you in them.
Shit, I'm so sorry, Roy.
That is not cool.
-I'm gonna reach out and change that.
-Don't you dare.
Don't you change a fucking thing.
You look powerful.
You're fucking gorgeous.
You look like a BILF.
Oh, yeah? Go on, show me, then.
So…
Are you gonna say anything?
Well, I mean, eventually, yeah.
You may have noticed through the years
I can be quite loquacious.
No. To Nate.
The anonymous source.
Wow. What makes you think it was Nate?
Yeah.
Well, you know my philosophy
when it comes to cats,
babies and apologies, Coach.
You gotta let 'em come to you.
That's not gonna happen.
Some people need a little push.
Yeah. Well, I ain't pushing nobody.
I think it'll help.
Nate will be fine.
No. It'll help you.
Coach,
you keep trying to hold all this in,
I'm afraid your mustache is gonna pop off.
Then I'll look like that fella
from The Hangover.
Bradley Cooper.
You're too good to me.
And I like your mustache.
Hi, babe.
Hi.
Have you got a second?
Of course.
I'm so sorry.
No, don't be.
It's good.
You helped this panda
become a lion.
I'm so proud of you.
Thank you.
Holy fucking shit.
Oh, no. Now what?
Rupert's just bought West Ham United.
No.
And to think for a second, I thought
him giving me his shares in the club
was a kind gesture.
You know, I'm actually
quite reassured to find out
that he is still
just a selfish conniving cock.
Yeah. It does return a certain balance
to the universe, doesn't it?
Promise me
you will not go and work for him.
He can't afford me.
Richmond is my football club.
You know that.
Well, that's if we get promoted.
You might not want to work with us.
That's fair.
A bit of advice for being a boss.
Hire your best friend.
Fuck you.
Now I'm crying again.
Anyone want a ticket?
-All right, Mae?
-Oi, oi, Mae!
-Come on, Richmond!
-Come on, Richmond!
Come on, Richmond!
You get out there and you beat 'em.
We'll smash it, right?
You get them. Fuck 'em.
Go, Coach.
Good afternoon.
-Good afternoon.
-Afternoon.
All right. Y'all good to go on running
Nate's false nine today, yeah?
Well, you'd be fools not to.
All right.
Yeah, we ought to give it a shot.
Why change it now?
I agree.
Did you
get kicked out of your office again?
No, no. Temporary relocation
while they change the carpet in there.
It was absolutely covered in dog shit.
Oh, yeah. No, been there, done that.
Okay. Well, anybody else
got anything they wanna talk about
before we head out there?
Yeah.
I could…
use some…
advice.
Hold on.
Roy, are you saying
you wanna become a Diamond Dog?
Fuck no. I'm just saying I wouldn't mind
being in the room
whilst it fucking happens.
Yeah. Okay. Well,
how about a one-time visitor's pass
for our junkyard dog here, yeah?
Diamond Dogs, mount up!
Yeah. I gotcha.
-Yeah. I'm just gonna stay put.
-Okay. Good idea. Yeah.
You live, you learn, right?
Thank you, Alanis.
All right. Roy.
Bark away.
Remember I told you I had to do
that photo shoot thing with Keeley?
-Yeah, we got it.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
I know I said
I fucking hate doing those things,
and I do fucking hate doing those things.
But in the end,
they didn't use a single picture
with me in it.
And it hurt my…
feeling.
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.
In year five,
I was not allowed in the class photo
because I developed a rare smile allergy.
Not the same situation.
The thing is…
she looked so fucking great.
On her own.
Without me.
So natural.
I--
It would've actually been
fucking weird if I was in the pictures.
And then at Rebecca's dad's funeral,
Jamie fucking Tartt tells her
he's fucking in love with her.
And he's still alive?
Yeah. Instead of beating him to death,
I fucking forgave him.
I'm still fucking furious about it.
Okay. Well, Roy,
we appreciate you barking at us.
There's something
I have to confess as well.
Go ahead, Nate-dawg.
Roy,
when Keeley and I went shopping
the other day, I kissed her.
Yeah. She told me about it.
It's okay.
I kissed her.
I kissed your girlfriend.
We're good.
All Jamie did was talk to her,
and you wanted to kill him.
Don't you at least
wanna headbutt me or something?
You made a mistake, Nate.
Don't worry about it.
No, no, I deserve to be headbutted.
I'd be happy to headbutt you, Nate.
Okay, you know what?
I think that's enough right now.
We got work to do, yeah?
Diamond Dogs dismount?
Wait. So sometimes
the fucking Diamond Dogs
is just chatting about shit,
and no one has to fucking solve anything
and nothing fucking changes?
Sometimes. Yeah.
That's cool.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Oh, my God.
Yes, yes, yes!
It's the 83rd clash
between these two teams
and there's never been more at stake.
Brentford with the lead but Richmond
are still in their unusual
false nine formation.
I don't like it, Arlo. The last match
of the season for promotion.
It's a funny time to be pulling out
a new strategy.
Richmond trying to even it up
before the half,
but they give away possession,
and Brentford have numbers.
Yeah!
-Fuck!
-And that's 2-nil to Brentford.
You try new tactics this late
with this much at stake
and everyone loses their heads.
Stay back! How many times
do I have to fucking tell ya? Stay back.
It's all right.
Hey. We're all right!
It's okay! Come on now!
And it's halftime
of what has been a pulsating
West London derby.
Brentford lead 2-nil,
and Richmond are letting
a golden opportunity
slip through their fingers.
I'ma shoot y'all straight.
This is bleak, yeah?
I mean, look at it out there.
Looks like a Renaissance painting
portraying masculine melancholy.
Okay, so now what?
What we gonna do?
We should abandon the false nine.
It'd work if we had players
who knew what the fuck they were doing.
Yeah, I don't agree, Nate. You know,
I think we gotta stick with it, man.
You know, they just had 45 minutes
to figure out what not to do. Yeah?
What do you think, Roy?
You should ask them.
They're the ones out there
actually doing this shit.
Yeah, all right.
All right, fellas.
Coaches and I are having a little debate
and wanna get y'all's take on it.
Should we stick with the false nine
or switch it up?
The tactic is sound, and we're all
perfectly capable of executing it.
It will work.
Hey, if Jan Maas says it,
you know it's the truth, right?
I wouldn't lie to you.
For instance, Zoreaux,
you should have saved that first goal.
Bro.
Okay. It's been decided.
We're gonna stick with Nate's false nine.
-Now, come on. Bring it in. Let's go.
-Here we go, Greyhounds!
Hey, Captain?
You gonna join us?
Richmond on three.
One, two, three…
Richmond!
Here we go, Richmond!
Hey, Nate.
Hey.
Everything okay?
Yes, Ted. Everything is okay.
What is it? What'd I do?
What are you talking about?
Oh, come on, man. You're mad as hell
at me. I just wanna know why.
Huh? What have I got to learn here?
-You wanna know what you did?
-Yeah, please.
Okay. I'll tell you what you did.
You made me feel like I was the most
important person in the whole world.
And then, you abandoned me.
Like you switched out a light,
just like that.
And I worked my ass off,
trying to get your attention back.
To prove myself to you.
To make you like me again.
But the more I did, the less you cared.
It was like I was fucking invisible.
You haven't even got the photo I gave
you for Christmas up in your office.
Just a picture of dumb Americans.
Now you're gonna play Nate's false nine,
so when the team fuck up,
which they will, hey,
you can blame it on me.
Well, no. Fuck that.
Everybody loves you.
The Great Ted Lasso.
Well, I think you're a fucking joke.
Without me,
you wouldn't have won a single match.
They would've shipped your ass
back to Kansas, where you belong.
With your son.
'Cause you sure as hell
don't belong here.
But I do. I belong here.
This didn't just fall into my lap,
all right? I earned this.
I know you did, Nate.
And if I didn't tell you how important you
were to me enough, I'm sorry about that.
No, no. You know what?
You're full of shit.
Just fuck you, Ted.
Richmond down two,
sticking with their false nine formation
as Brentford are on the attack.
Chris, is time running out on Richmond's
chances to control their future?
Only if you think of time as linear, Arlo.
Yes, Chris. I do.
Good pressure from Rojas.
That's lovely from Tartt.
Obisanya is in.
He scores!
And thanks to that Obisanya goal,
Richmond's hopes for promotion
are still alive.
Let's go! Let's go! Come on! One more!
Oh, my God!
That's how you play a false nine, Arlo.
Pack the midfield, stay organized.
Look for the gaps. Well done.
-Hey, here we go!
-Yes! Yes, yes, yes!
Yes!
All the other results are in.
AFC Richmond,
miraculously after a historically
dreadful start to the season,
are only one point out of second place.
Come on, Richmond.
Come on, Richmond.
Come on, Richmond.
Come on, Richmond.
If they can somehow salvage a draw,
Richmond will be promoted
back to the Premier League.
All they need is one moment
of individual brilliance, Arlo.
-Come on, Richmond.
-Can they find it in time?
Come on, Richmond.
Come on, Richmond.
Come on, Richmond. Come on,
Richmond. Come on, Richmond…
A long ball from the Dutchman.
Tartt is there!
Is this the moment for Richmond?
Referee!
Referee!
It's a penalty.
Yeah!
-Yes!
-Yes! Yes!
We have to think
Tartt will be the one to take it.
He hasn't missed a penalty all season.
Dani.
You got this, muchacho.
It'll be fun. Trust me.
It looks like Tartt
is giving the ball to Rojas,
who hasn't kicked a penalty since, well…
Come on, Dani!
Let's go, Dani!
Here we go, Dani!
Football is life.
Richmond have done it!
With that goal,
they'll finish in second place
and will return to the Premier League
in their very first attempt.
We are going up!
We are going up!
We are going up!
Yeah, we are going up!
Yeah!
It's all over!
Richmond have done the impossible
through grit, determination
and most of all belief!
I was promoted a time or two
in my career, Arlo.
It's a real achievement.
Richmond deserve this.
They remain a club without
a major trophy, it must be said.
But it won't feel that way tonight.
Final score: Richmond 2, Brentford 2.
And the joy is back at Nelson Road.
-Yeah!
-Hey! Come on! Come on!
Fucking hell!
What'd you do that for?
So I could do this.
-Yeah!
-Yeah!
Yes! Let's go!
Yeah!
Yeah!
-You want some water?
-Yes, please.
We're Richmond till we die
We know we are, we're sure we are
We're Richmond till we die
We're Richmond till we die
We're Richmond till we die
We know we are, we're sure we are
We're Richmond till we die
We're Richmond till we die
We're Richmond till we die
We know we are, we're sure we are
We're Richmond till we die
We're Richmond till we die
Sam.
We know we are, we're sure we are
We're Richmond till we die
We're Richmond till we die
We know we are, we're sure we are
We're Richmond till we die
Sam! Hey. Sammo, hey.
Excellent performance.
Yeah, the goal, of course,
speaks for itself, yeah.
But your tactical discipline, hey.
They are certainly
going to miss you around here.
Mr. Akufo.
I truly enjoyed meeting you,
and I'm so flattered by your offer.
I'm sorry, but my answer is,
"No, thank you."
And I don't believe
my time here at Richmond is over.
And for that reason, I have to stay.
I hope you can understand.
You Nigerian motherfucker!
You Yoruba trash.
Who the fuck do you think you are,
wasting my time?
You medium-talent piece of shit.
"Medium-talent"?
I will dedicate my life to destroying you,
you fucking asshole!
You will never play
on the Nigerian national team.
You understand me, pinky-dick? Never!
I will buy your childhood home,
and I will take a shit in every room.
And then I will burn the place down.
Yeah. Then, I will sit there,
and I'll eat kenkey,
and I'll poop on the fucking ashes.
I promise you this, hey.
Okay.
I will never forget this disrespect.
Fuck you, Sam Obisanya.
Fucking dare!
That dick!
Yes.
Poop, poop.
Okay, y'all. Hey, settle down, y'all.
Okay, okay. Easy, easy now.
Easy. Hey, hey.
Y'all, come on. Calm down, all right?
Look--
Well, right off the cricket bat here,
I wanna address the article
written by our good friend,
Mr. Trent Crimm from The…
Or rather,
I want to share with y'all the truth
about my recent struggles with anxiety.
And, well, my overall concern
about the way we discuss
and deal with mental health in athletics.
Hey, boss. Just wanted to congratulate you
on your promotion.
You too, Ted. Champagne to celebrate?
-I'll just take a glass of water, please.
-Still or sparkling?
Yes. Still. Right.
You know, before living here,
I used to think still water
was just folks saying it's still water,
you know?
Like, it was water, and it continues
to remain to be water.
Well, there's no greater education
than travel.
A-freaking-men.
Well, hey. Next season
should be fun, right?
Well, one that'll include an old friend.
Rupert's bought West Ham United.
Did he now?
Well, that'll be a nice change.
Having our run-ins with him
being scheduled,
as opposed to his normal sneak attacks.
Hi, Rebecca.
And Coach.
Sorry.
No. Hey. Sam, go ahead. Stick around.
I was getting ready to leave.
-No, Ted. Stay.
-No, no, no, no. It's okay.
Yeah. Okay.
I just wanted to let you both know
that I've decided to stay.
Hey, that's great, Sam.
Yes. I'm glad to hear that, Sam.
How did Edwin Akufo take the news?
Not well. He stormed off.
He's already halfway back to Ghana.
Oh, shoot. I was really looking forward
to that goodbye handshake from Francis.
Well, I should go.
Hey, Sam. I was just curious.
What-- Why'd you decide to stay?
I wish I could say
it was because of my feelings for you,
but the truth is, I think I need to stop
worrying about how others feel about me.
I'm staying because it's what's best
for me and my personal journey.
Thank you.
He might have been talking to you
when he was looking at me.
Yes. I know that, Ted.
-Oh, hell. You crushed that.
-Yeah.
Coach Lasso.
Hey. There he is. I was worried about you.
I thought you might've been
in a bike accident.
Actually,
I don't know how to ride a bicycle.
Really? That surprises me.
Why?
'Cause of the hair and the whole vibe?
Yeah, I guess so.
Why the heck
weren't you at the press conference?
Because I am no longer a reporter.
I was fired when they found out
I revealed an anonymous source.
Oh, snap.
I didn't say anything, I promise.
No, I know, Ted. I did.
I'm looking for something different.
Deeper.
Well, as the man says,
you gotta follow your bliss, right?
Sorry you're out of a job.
You know what this makes you now,
though, right?
Trent Crimm. Independent.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. My father made the same joke.
Yeah. He sounds like a cool guy.
Well, I hope our paths cross again soon,
Trent.
As do I, Ted. I love our chats.
You want a ride?
Well, I prefer to walk,
but I appreciate ya.
And Ted,
good luck next season.
Shit.
-This the last of it?
-Yeah. Just these and Trixibelle.
Right.
I got you a last-day-
working-in-the-same-building present.
Here.
Airplane tickets?
You got me airplane tickets?
To Marbella.
How did you get actual printed tickets?
From my travel agent, Kathy.
She's old-school.
Roy, are you sure
they still take paper tickets at airports?
Like, is the plane gonna have propellers?
Oh, my God. Am I gonna be able
to smoke on the flight?
Right, stop it. You are missing the point.
Tomorrow, you and I
are going to a villa by the sea
for six weeks
so you can chill out before
you start kicking ass in your new job.
And I'm going to take the first holiday
I've taken since I was 12,
where I don't have to stay in shape
or rehab my fucking knee.
I'm gonna gorge myself to death on tapas,
and it will take fucking ages.
Babe, thank you.
But I can't go.
What? Why not?
I don't start work in six weeks.
-I started like a week ago.
-Yeah, I know.
That's why I made sure the place
has got proper Wi-Fi and everything.
You can do all your emails and shit,
but from a balcony with a sea view.
Roy, I'd love to. But I can't.
I just can't.
But you should go.
Are we breaking up?
No. Why would you say that?
Of course not.
You are gonna take a well-earned holiday
while I lock myself in a dark room
and work nonstop.
And I'll see you in six weeks.
Keeley.
Roy. I love you.
We'll be fine.
I'll see you in six weeks.
Congratulations.
What's it gonna be?
A Nigerian restaurant.
-Move! I want it faster! Go!
-Coach! Sir!
-Move!
-Coach!
-Next. Go.
-Sir!
-Move it!
-Coach!
-Go!
-Sir!
-Move! Go!
-Coach!
-Move! Go!
-Coach! Sir!
-Move!
-Coach!