Ted Lasso (2020–…): Season 3, Episode 12 - So Long, Farewell - full transcript

[Gary] It's a rare treat
when the Premier League title

comes down
to the last match of the season.

And, Thierry,
if the Greyhounds win on Sunday,

and Manchester City loses or draws,
AFC Richmond will actually win the league.

Incredible.
And you picked them to finish last.

Hey, so did you.

Sorry, Gary. I only remember my victories.

I have no room in my brain
for anything else.

[Gary]
Hmm. Well, it should be a great match.

The last time Richmond played West Ham
though, things got ugly.

That wasn't football.
It was a crime scene.



Speaking of which,

Rupert Mannion has been accused
of an inappropriate relationship

by a former assistant,

- putting the team owner in hot water.
- [Thierry Henry] Hot water?

That man is boiling. If he had noodles
in his pockets, he could make a soup.

My nan made a delicious pocket soup.
Bit like a minestrone.

[Thierry Henry] Personally, I thought
he should have stayed with Rebecca Welton.

Now, they were a power couple.

Oh, shut up, Thierry Henry.

Morning, Rebecca.

- Morning, Ted.
- Hi.

[chuckles]

[sighing] Yeah. Um...

Um...



So, do you, um...

You know, do you want to talk about it?

Mmm.

I'm not really ready to talk about it yet.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Good morning!

[cheers]

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy,
what a night, what a night, what a night.

[chuckles]

Whoo!

Sorry for all the noise.

[sighs] Morning, nerds.
You're welcome for all the noise.

- [Coach Beard] Milady.
- [chuckles]

Oh, Rebecca, I hope you don't mind.

I went through your wardrobe
and borrowed this dress.

Oh, it's a blazer.
But, yes, yes. Help yourself.

Hey, thanks again
for letting us all crash here last night.

You know... When I got Beard's text saying

that there was a deadly gas leak
in the neighborhood,

I just assumed he was bragging
about one of his epic toots. [chuckles]

[inhales sharply, sighs]

Isn't that crazy that this is gonna be
the last time we wake up like this?

Hmm.

I mean, the last and first time.
But, still, you know.

[groans] No, no, no, no, no.

Yeah.
Boss don't want to talk about it yet.

[hums] It's not that I refuse
to talk about you going home, Ted.

It's that I refuse to accept
that you are not coming back.

[sighs] God.

Boss.

I'm right there with you.

[housekeeper gasps]

I'll start in the guest rooms.

- No! No, no, no! No.
- Uh, no. No, no, no, no. Please. Please...

Those ropes are not garbage.

Some of it's dirty on purpose.

[laughs]

[theme music playing]

[players chattering]

Hear ye, hear ye,
this locker room is now in session.

All rise for the Honorable Judge McAdoo.

[players chuckling, cheering]

Silence!

Be seated.

Court Treasurer.

Are there any unresolved fines
from this season?

There are, Your Honor.

And please remember that all fines

will go towards funding our end-of-season
party this Sunday night at the restaurant.

[players cheering]

- Very well. Bailiff.
- Hmm?

Please bring forth the receptacle.

Uh, the assistant kitman has it.

- [sighs] Assistant to the kitman.
- Oh.

[chuckles]

Court Treasurer. Release the fines.

- [clears throat] "Jan Maas."
- [players wince]

- "Late for training. £200."
- [players cheering]

- [Jan] That's fair.
- Naughty boy.

- "Dani Rojas."
- Huh?

"Not texting 'happy birthday'
on a teammate's birthday. £100."

- [players clamoring]
- Objection, Your Honor.

I did put a tiny, little heart
on someone else's "happy birthday."

Overruled!

[scoffs]

"Jamie Tartt."

[players] Ooh.

"Falling asleep during
team meditation training.

- £200."
- Huh?

[Cockburn] Wow. You fell asleep?

- Bro, everyone was sleeping, man.
- Nah, not me.

- I was just the only one who was snoring.
- [chuckling]

Hey, hey. Wait, wait, wait.

- Is there anything else?
- That is all I have, Your Honor.

Very well. And finally, Nathan Shelley.

For missing every training session,

every match and every team dinner
this season,

I hereby fine you £5,000!

- [players clamoring]
- Yeah, that's fair. I mean, I deserve it.

The party will now have an open bar
and live band karaoke!

[cheering]

Oh.

[hums]

- Hey.
- [screams]

- [groans, sighs]
- I'm sorry.

One of these days, I'm gonna scare you.

Well, that's easy.
Just ask me what I'm thinking about.

What are you thinking about?

Stuff.

Terrifying.

Hmm.

Good to see you, Roy.

- Morning, Keeley.
- Morning.

- Yo.
- Hey.

What happened to you?
I thought you were right behind me.

Jane had a surprise for me.

Oh, that's nice.

My passport.

Which she shredded so that I wouldn't
be able to leave the country.

- Good thing you got dual citizenship, huh?
- Triple.

- Vatican City is a country, baby.
- Right.

- [clicking tongue]
- Mm-hmm.

- Gentlemen.
- Hmm?

I can't finish the book
until the season ends, obviously.

But before you leave,
I'd love to get your thoughts.

Let me know if there's anything
you disagree with.

I won't take it out, but I'm happy
to tell you where you're wrong.

Hmm.

- [loud bang]
- [Roy] Fuck!

Oh. Everything okay, Roy?

How do you know
if a girl likes you or not?

Well, um... [smacks lips, clicking tongue]

...you know, that might be a tasty,
little treat for the Diamond Dogs.

[Ted, Trent, Coach Beard whimpering]

No.

No! No! No! No!

[fading] No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

[mouthing words] So close.

[Ted] Mm-hmm. Hmm.

Can't wait to dive into this, Trent.

[chuckles] Thank you.

Nope.

Derivative.

Okay.

[Coach Beard] Overly prosaic.

[Trent] Actually, I'm gonna just pop out
for a second. [clears throat]

The press are asking if you have
any comments about Rupert's divorce.

Hmm. Yes, of course.
Uh, but no, no comment.

- Smart.
- Classy.

Moving on, Leslie and I are asking

if you have any comments
on Rupert's divorce.

Juicier, the better. Safe space.

[sighs] Also no comment.

- Ah! Boo!
- Oh... [blows raspberry]

Oh... Look, I'm sorry.
I just genuinely don't care anymore.

[Higgins] Hmm.

What's next?

[sighs] We need to talk about
who we're hiring to replace Ted.

I've made a list of the usual suspects,

and I threw in a basketball coach from
New Zealand just to spice it up a bit.

Right. I can't think about that yet.

Okay. After the season then.

Oh, last thing from me. On a happier note,

now that we have a guaranteed spot
in the Champions League next season...

[all shriek]

...we have had many requests
to buy a piece of the club.

Our value is at an all-time high,
so it's worth considering.

You give up 49%, retain full control
and make a huge pile of cash.

We can buy more players,
renovate the stadium.

[gasps] Ooh, maybe we can get
some of those fancy seats.

The ones with the heaters
like they have at Tottenham.

Ooh, they're amazing... in February.

You see,
I accidentally turned mine on last summer

and nearly melted
my bottom crack together.

[stammers] Think about it anyway.
It's, uh... It's only 49%.

- Leslie?
- Hmm?

How much would I get
if I sold the entire club?

Rebecca.

You can't sell the club.

Why not?

I mean, I only got into this
to ruin Rupert's life.

And he seems to be doing
a pretty good job of that himself.

So come on, Leslie. How much?

I don't know.

Uh, off the top of my head,
I'd say two billion.

- [spits]
- Oh.

Oh, fuck me.

Fuck me.

[players chattering]

All right, Roy.

I think that's enough for today.
You can go ahead and call it.

Roy, please.

Whistle! Whistle!

Go on, bring it in.

Thank you, Roy.

Coach and I didn't wanna make a big deal
about it being our last practice.

Just a regular day.

Yeah. Nothing special. Right?

Yeah. Sure.

Whatever you guys want.

- That was ominous.
- What the fuck was that?

[bell tolls]

What the fuck is that?

What the fuck is this?

["So Long, Farewell" playing]

♪ There's a sad sort of clanging
From the clock in the hall ♪

♪ And the bells in the steeple too ♪

♪ And up in the nursery
An absurd little bird ♪

♪ Is popping out to say "cuckoo" ♪

[players] ♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪

♪ Regretfully they tell us
But firmly they compel us ♪

♪ To say goodbye ♪

[all] ♪ To you ♪

♪ So long, farewell
Auf Wiedersehen, good night ♪

♪ We hate to go
And miss this pretty sight ♪

♪ So long, farewell
Auf Wiedersehen, adieu ♪

♪ Adieu, adieu
To yieu and yieu and yieu ♪

♪ So long, farewell
Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye ♪

♪ We flit, we float
We fleetly flee, we fly ♪

♪ So long, farewell
Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye ♪

♪ The sun has gone
To bed and so must I ♪

♪ Adios ♪

♪ Adios ♪

♪ Adios ♪

[all] ♪ Goodbye ♪

Thank you, fellas. That was perfect.

[players, fans cheering]

[scats] Hey, Keeley. Love those boots.

Thanks. [chuckles]

- Hey, Nate.
- Hey, Keeley. You all right?

Yeah. Oh, it's so good to have you back.

- Thank you. It's really good to be back.
- Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Ninety-one.
- [Ted] Ninety-two.

Hello, boys.

- Hello, Keeley.
- Hey, Keeley. Uh-oh.

- What do we got here?
- A little last-day present. One for you.

Aw.

- And one for you.
- All right.

Don't open that
before you get on the plane!

Or better yet,
just don't get on the plane.

- Thanks, Keeley.
- [Coach Beard] Thanks, Keeley.

[chuckles]

Is everybody decent?

Aw, one of these days, right?

[players chuckling]

Okay, remember you've got
your extra press session tomorrow at noon.

And you're confident, generous, excited.
You're fucking legends!

- [players] Thanks, Keeley!
- [Keeley] Whoo!

Mmm.

- Keeley.
- Hi, Jamie.

- Hey, you good?
- Yeah, you?

Yeah, good, good, yeah. Uh, mad one.

Uh, Nike want to fly me to Brazil
to shoot this commercial thing.

But I said to them that I wouldn't do it
unless I could have my publicist with me.

Make sure I don't fuck it up.
So, uh, what do you think?

- It's not for me.
- Yeah. [stammers]

- I'm fucking with you.
- Yeah?

- Yeah. [gasps]
- Yeah?

- Yeah. [chuckles] Thank you. [chuckles]
- Congrats.

Um, yeah, cool. Uh, so, someone
from Nike is gonna call you.

Uh, name starts with W.
Ends with W. I don't...

- I'll handle it.
- Okay.

- Thank you, Jamie.
- Yeah. [chuckles]

Hey, Jamie.

Yeah?

Wanna grab a beer later?

I thought you said
I couldn't have beer anymore.

Well, you're with me, so you get a pass.

Yeah, decent. I'm in, yeah. [chuckles]

- Sweet.
- Sweet.

So are you two friends now?

- Uh, yeah. Guess so.
- That's wonderful.

Yeah.

Fucking mint, yeah.

[bell on door jingles]

- Should I use that pose or that pose?
- Lads. Ah, thank the Lord.

- None of 'em.
- I just signed up for that Bantr.

- Ah.
- Should I...

I mean, when your father died,
I was terrified of being alone.

But now I've learned so much
about myself in this last year,

and I've been right all along, you know.

I really am exceptional.

Right. [stammers]
Mother, you know that Ted isn't dying.

He's just moving back to America.

Oh. You say potato, you say potato.

I've been thinking about selling the club.

- I know. Is that crazy?
- No! No, I love it.

- Oh.
- Go for it. Take the money and run.

- Explore the world.
- Hmm.

Uh, more importantly, explore yourself.

Hmm.

You know, I had a dream last night
that I was a cabaret singer in Japan.

Shut up. [grunts]

No, you've given me chills.

I had exactly the same dream.

Hmm?

Oh, you were a dentist in Taiwan,

- but...
- Oh, Mother.

- Oh, well, potato, potato. [chuckles]
- [chuckles]

[inhales sharply]

You going to the match on Sunday?

[sucks teeth]
Oh, sausage, I can't. I'm sorry.

I've been wanting to get a tattoo,

so I'm meeting with a specialist
who can remove it if I hate it.

- But I did see Tish the other day.
- [sighs]

She told me who's gonna win the game.
Do you wanna know?

Oh, I have had more than enough of
Tish's bloody predictions

to last me a lifetime,
thank you very much.

But please do tell her that she's a fraud
that preys on people's weaknesses.

That's exactly what she said you'd say.

Anything else, ladies?

I'd just like some peace of mind
for my daughter.

And all of her generation.

Oh, must be awful for 'em,
lying awake at night haunted

by how fucking easy they've had it.

[both laughing]

Fucking hell.

We'll just have the bill. Thank you, Mae.

It's been taken care of
by these gentlemen.

We just, uh, wanted to thank you
for everything you've done for the club.

Yeah. The love and care you have
for the team is inspiring.

Kind of like the mother we never had.

- [sighs]
- Oh, that's weird.

'Cause I'm like the mother
she's never had.

I guess that makes you like
the grandmother we never had.

No, it doesn't.

Hmm.

Why would you say that?

- [Jeremy] I was trying to be nice.
- Hmm.

- Hmm.
- Did I tell you?

I'm learning to... Oh.

What's it called? Skateboard. [chuckles]

Do you mean skateboard?

- Yeah, yeah. Skateboard. Really.
- You any good?

Will be.

[sighs]

[chuckles]

So you do laugh.

But you don't do it until page 43?

And it wasn't even a big laugh.

That was more of a loud nose breath.
An exhale.

Hey, Trent. Look, I know folks are divided
on the actual police these days,

but all human beings
are opposed to the laugh police.

Yeah. Mmm, yeah. Yes, sorry, sorry.

Um, yeah.

I just want you to like it.

I'll leave you be.

- Good night, Trent.
- Good night.

[slurping, gulping]

[swallows]

[exhales deeply]

Worth the wait. [sighs]

Whatever happens on Sunday,
I want you to know I'm proud of you.

All the work you've put in this year.

Yeah, uh... Yeah, thanks.

And, um... [clears throat]

Thank you for your help too, you know.

For... For motivating me, encouraging me.

I haven't really had that
from the older men in me life.

[chuckles] Real talk, man. Thank you.

And look, I know you've got
a lot of feelings for Keeley.

I just hope none of that shit ever gets
in the way of our friendship.

Yeah. No, yeah, me too, yeah.

Good.

That's good.

'Cause me and Keeley
started talking again.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Just easing into it.

But she is a woman,
so you never know, right?

Hmm.

It's nothing official
between the two of you?

Well...

No, but it's happening.

I wanted you to know
'cause I don't want you to get hurt, so...

I think it's best if you just step aside.

[sucks teeth, smacks lips]

No.

What the fuck do you mean, "no"?

I mean, if the two of you ain't official,
then I ain't steppin' aside.

Why not?

'Cause I know in my heart that me
and Keeley are meant to be together.

Fuck off. You're a child.

You fuck off. You're a hairy old prune.

Don't forget, I was with her first.

Yeah, well, I was with her last.

[scoffs] It's been a year, mate.

[imitates buzzer] It's been a month, mate.

That video of her that got leaked,
she made that for me.

[Rebecca] I'm ready to talk about it now.

[sighs]

I've decided to sell the club.

If you go, I go.

Hmm.

There is another option.

We both stay.

I respect that you need
to go home to your son, Ted.

But I just want you to consider
the possibility that this is your home.

Henry can come and live here and go to
one of the best schools in the world

and enjoy the life-changing experience
of being in another country.

Michelle can come here and teach,

get fully qualified
and go home as a department head.

Higgins has said,
if I sell 49% of the team,

I can afford to make you one of
the highest-paid coaches in the league.

[scoffs, sighs]

I know people will say I'm crazy, but...

I still think I'd be underpaying you
for what you mean to this club.

[chuckles]

Would you please stay?

This is the part when you say
you need to sleep on it and I say,

"Oh, yes, of course."

And then we do exactly
the same thing tomorrow.

[chuckles]

You already know your answer, don't you?

- I do, yeah.
- I know.

I just had to try.

Right. [sniffles, inhales sharply]

Well, that's settled then. [sighs]

Both go.

You know, I was thinking
I should travel abroad.

Mmm.

Eat, Pray, Love style, right?

Well, more like Drink, Sleep, Fuck.

[Ted] Mm-hmm.

[both laugh]

[sighs] Oh. [laughs]

[chuckling]

[doorbell rings]

[Roy grunts]

Fucking hell.

He's fine.

[groans]

All right.
You gonna tell me what happened?

Did you stop a mugging?

Rescue some puppies
from a burning building?

Do you wanna?

- After you.
- [sighs]

[clicks tongue]

- We got in a fight about you.
- You what?

- We got in a fistfight...
- [sighs]

...over who gets to be with you.

We just thought,
"What are we, Neanderthals?"

- Yeah, and we're not.
- [scoffs]

So we came up with a better idea.

Please don't say it.

You should just pick.

You pick which one of us
you want to end up with.

And then, that's that.

- Bish-bash-bosh.
- Bob's your uncle.

So, I get to choose?

- Yeah.
- Pretty much.

- We're fucking idiots.
- [sighing] Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

[both sigh]

Are you hungry?

Well, you're still in training,

but you can watch me eat a kebab.

I'm having chicken.

- Hey.
- Oh, my fucking God!

Whoa. [stammers] I'm sorry about that.

I... I was trying to come in soft
like a human cotton ball.

No. God, no, I'm sorry.
I'm here late. [chuckles]

- Oh, it's all right. [chuckles]
- [chuckles, sighs]

- Yeah. [chuckles]
- [chuckles]

Listen, Ted...

I know. It's okay.

No, please, please.
Can you just let me say it?

I'm sorry. [sobs]

[sobbing] I'm so sorry.

Oh, buddy.

[Nathan breathes shakily]

[sniffles] Oh, I'm sorry.

[sighs]

[sniffling, chuckling]

- [chuckles]
- You know what's funny?

You only ripped it up once.

I tore that sucker down
and ripped it up two times.

- [chuckles]
- Did you really?

- [chuckling] Yeah.
- [chuckles]

So you were already in the clear,
you know?

- Okay.
- [chuckles]

Okay. [inhales sharply]

But I'll tell ya,

when I look up there...

I still see it.

- Is that weird?
- [inhales sharply]

No, no, no, that's... that's lovely.

[breathing shakily]

[sniffles]

Good night, Nate.

Good night, Ted.

["In Between Days" playing]

[crowd cheering]

[Arlo] AFC Richmond was founded in 1897,

and since then, the team have been
a picture of mediocrity.

They've been up. They've been down.
Mostly down.

And in the club's history,

they've never come close
to what they could achieve today:

a Premier League title.

Fate is not entirely in their hands.

Their adversaries
in Manchester have the final say.

But the Richmond faithful are here

to applaud their team
for what they've already accomplished

and see if the miraculous season...

- [chanting] AFC Richmond.
- ...can become transcendent.

Hello. There should be a ticket
waiting for me under the name...

"Wynonna Judd."

Thanks.

Thank you.

- You see the way that guy stared at me?
- Absolute psychopath.

We feeling good, lads? Feeling good?

- I think we're gonna win it.
- Me too.

Then what?

Richmond win the League,
what do we have left to strive for?

To dream for?

Making a real connection with someone
and starting a family?

Mmm. [mouthing] Yeah.

- Boring.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.

[Arlo] ...a humiliating relegation.

[Chris]
It has really been a mad season, Arlo.

[sighs] I'm actually nervous.
Are you nervous?

Nah, Dad's got this.

[Jacob] All right, all right.

Who's ready to spend the next two hours
of their lives watching this game

until it eventually ends up
in an exciting 0-0 tie?

- [chuckles]
- [Jacob chuckling]

[Arlo] Not long ago, Lasso was looking up
from the doghouse of the Dogtrack.

Now he's looking down from
the highest heights of English football.

It don't make sense!

Two years ago, we played so bad,

we had to drop down
from the Premier League

to a lower league that was called...

The Championship.

See, that don't make sense.

Now, this year we played so well,
we qualified to get into another league

- and that one's called...
- The Champions League.

Entirely different league,
pretty much the same name though.

That don't make sense.

And now y'all are tellin' me that
to get into the "Champions League,"

you can finish as low as...

Fourth place.

That don't make no sense. Why?

[players laughing, chattering]

Money.

Okay, see, now that makes sense.

- Okay. That's it.
- Thank you.

- [knocking]
- [Nathan] Hey.

[Ted] Hey, what's up, Nate?

Hi. Yeah, sorry.
I'm sorry to interrupt and all that.

I just wanted to, uh...
To wish you all, uh, good luck.

To wish you two good luck,
uh, for the last time.

Last time this season. It's not
the last time you ever have good luck.

[chuckles] No need for it
to become a cautionary tale.

I'm not trying to cast a spell
or anything.

- [chuckles]
- Yeah, no. I... I get it, Nate. Thank you.

Thanks, man.

Thank you. Well...

Well, this feels familiar.

Oh, yeah.

- Mm-hmm. [chuckles]
- [Coach Beard chuckles]

Oh, why don't I, um, step out
and let you guys have a proper reunion?

Ah, da-da-da-da.
You stay put, Trenthouse Magazine.

You're part of the squad now.

- Oh.
- [clicking tongue]

- Yep. You're stuck with us, buddy.
- Thank you.

[Ted chuckles]

Can I be a Diamond Dog?

[Ted] Okay, hold on one second here.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Hmm.
- What the fuck are you doing?

Uh, I assume we're all looking for cameras
'cause we think we're on a prank show.

- Yeah, that's where I'm at.
- [Trent, Nathan] Yeah.

I'm not fucking around here.

[stammers] Okay.
Diamond Dogs, mount up. Let's go.

[barking]

[clears throat] Uh, okay. Mr. Roy Kent.

Uh, you know, um, bark away. Please.

For the past year,

I've busted my fucking ass
trying to change.

But apparently,
I haven't done fucking shit 'cause...

I'm still me.

[stammers] Uh, wait.
Did... Did you wanna be someone else?

Yeah.

Someone better.

Can people change?

[sighs]

- Uh...
- [barks]

[stammers] I don't think we change per se,
as much as we just... [inhales sharply]

...learn to accept
who we've always been, you know?

[Roy] Hmm.

Oh, no. I... I think people can change.

They can.

You know, sometimes for the worse
and sometimes for the better.

[groans] Not me.

I'm still the same fucking idiot
I've always been.

Mmm. Agree to disagree, big guy.

I mean, come on, man.

You just piped up out of nowhere
and finally asked to become a Diamond Dog.

Pretty big change, if you ask me.
Right, fellas?

- [Higgins, Coach Beard] Yep.
- [Nathan, Trent] Mm-hmm.

Change isn't about trying to be perfect.

Perfection sucks. Perfect is boring.

I mean, except Shawshank.
That's not boring.

- Yep.
- Well, that's true.

Yeah. I mean, there are perfect films.
Back to the Future.

- Jaws.
- Jaws. Yeah.

- I would say Trent's hair is perfect.
- [Nathan] Oh, God, yeah.

- Oh. Thank you.
- Not at all boring.

Sure. You know, attributes.
Grace Kelly's eyes.

- The other side of the pillow.
- That is absolutely perfect.

There are perfect analogies.

- Jacket potato, cheese and beans.
- That sounds perfectly yummy. Yeah.

Perfect foods. Spaghetti Bolognese.

- Billy Joel's The Stranger album.
- [Ted] Yep, no, that's perfect.

Yes! There are perfect works of art.

There... Perfection is all around us,
everywhere we look.

The mighty redwood.

But I was talking
about perfection in people.

- Oh, sure, sure. Yeah. No, I get you.
- [Trent] Oh, right. Sure, sure.

Human beings are
never gonna be perfect, Roy.

The best we can do is to keep asking
for help and accepting it when you can.

And if you keep on doing that,
you'll always be moving towards better.

[whistles]

Add that right there
to our list of perfect stuff.

[Higgins] Hmm.

- [Ted] Ding, ding, ding.
- [Roy] All right.

Thank you.

[barking, growling]

[barks]

Anyone else wanna go?

I've got a girlfriend.

[all] Ooh.

Her name is Jade,
and she actually is perfect.

[barking]

[panting]

[barks]

[Rupert sighs]

- George.
- Rupert.

You guys ready?

Don't you worry,
I won't let you lose to your ex-wife.

[stammers] I mean, your first ex-wife.

I... I mean,
your previous, most recent ex-wi...

- You know what I mean.
- Just beat them.

Win.

Yes, boss. [sighs]

[Arlo] We have to acknowledge
the elephant in the room.

Unsavory allegations of sexual impropriety

have Rupert Mannion on the brink
of losing his club.

But the truth is, a win today puts
the Hammers into the Champions League,

- a feather in Mannion's cap...
- [breathes deeply]

...that could keep him in power
a little bit longer.

Ah.

So, this is where they've been hiding
all the beautiful people.

[laughing]

Ah. Hello, Rupert.

- Oh. Rebecca.
- [Rebecca chuckles]

- Hi, Sassy.
- Hiya.

Aren't you the lucky man.

Whatever happens today,
a team you love wins.

- [chuckles]
- [Rebecca chuckles]

[chuckles]

Heard the news. Ooh. Ouch.

Looks like you're gonna lose another team.

My God, you get through them like wives.

- [chuckles]
- Or mistresses.

Or, I'm assuming,
tubes of hemorrhoid cream.

But in all seriousness,
I... I do wish you the best...

'cause you are the fucking worst.

Come on, Richmond!

- Yes!
- Whoo! Yeah!

[chuckles]

Oh, you're in good spirits, aren't you?

Um, anything behind that great mood?

Something that might affect
where I'll work next year?

- After the match, Leslie. Hmm.
- Right.

Chill. Okay.

Say, Barbara, you a football fan?

Um, I prefer rugby.

There's just more grown men

throwing other grown men
into the air like children.

- And blood.
- Yeah.

- Uh, which is nice. [chuckles]
- [chuckles]

One more, boys. Come on. One more.

[players chattering]

Guys. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

Uh, we've just been sent
a care package from Zava.

[players groaning]

No. Thank you, but no.
I will not let him hurt me again.

Ooh, it's T-shirts.

Can I have two, please?

Oh, oh. There's a card.

- "My brothers."
- [players chuckling]

[Colin] "Good luck against West Ham.

Please enjoy the T-shirts
and this avocado from my farm.

Never forget,
I am always inside you. Zava."

What, he sent us one avocado?

- [players exclaiming] Whoa!
- [Colin whistles]

[Thierry] That's a huge avocado.

Holy guacamole.

Show me that, bro.

Fucking hell.

[gasps] Oh. Hey... Hey, Dani.

Van Damme. I also got you a gift,

as a way to say I am sorry
for destroying your face.

[gasps] How do I look?

- Wonderful.
- [chuckles]

Van Damme. You look like a superhero.

- [players cheering]
- Yeah? Yeah?

[grunts, chuckles]

Merci, frère.

De nada, mi amigo.

[players chattering]

Y'all ready? Okay? Okay.

All right, fellas. Hey, let's listen up.

Hey. Nice mask, Van Damme.

Oh. Thanks, Coach, but actually
from now on you can call me Zorro.

You got it, Zoreaux.

No, no, no, it's pronounced "Zorro."

Oh. Oh, 'cause of the mask.

- [players groaning]
- I got you. Nice one. Okay.

Well, fellas, if you're looking for
a pep talk from me, you're in trouble.

'Cause I'm like Michael Flatley
at 11:59 p.m. on St. Patrick's Day,

I'm tapped out. [chuckles]

You know what I mean?

Luckily, though, I asked Coach Beard here

to make y'all a little something something
to help inspire and motivate y'all

for our final match together, all right?

- Coach, let her rip.
- Gather up!

[music playing on video]

[laughing, chattering]

[laughing]

[players] Oh!

[chattering, laughing]

[no video audio]

[laughing]

[all] Oh!

[player] Come on, bro.

- [Jamie] The barber.
- Okay.

[all shouting, screaming]

[laughing]

[cheering]

Christmas!

[players on video chanting]
We are going up. Yeah, we are going up.

[shouts]
We are going up. Yeah, we are going up.

- [player] Whoo!
- We are going up. Yeah, we are going up.

[players on video exclaim]

[crowd cheering]

- [players sniffling]
- Oh, shit.

[Chris] As a player, you know
the match starts before the whistle.

During the lineups, you need to show
your opponent you're ready for the fight.

You've got the eye of the tiger.

[Arlo]
Richmond appear to be crying, Chris.

[Chris] Interesting strategy.

[Arlo] Did you ever cry before a game?

[Chris]
Only during and after. Never before.

Before the match is reserved
for anxious vomiting.

[Arlo] I'm getting emotional myself.
Chris, would you mind if I wept?

[Chris] Not at all, Arlo.
Would you mind if I vomited?

Think we might've blew it
with the video, Coach.

Oh, I couldn't disagree more.
Ain't that right, Roy?

[crying] You fucking smashed it.

[whistle blows]

[Arlo] We've played a quarter of an hour
and remained deadlocked.

West Ham with a corner.

Oh, a lovely ball there.

- Armando shoots...
- [grunts]

- ...but it's saved by Van Damme.
- [gasping]

That's all right, that's all right.

I hear he wants to be called Zorro now.

Well, it's about time.

[shouting]

[Arlo] Richmond seem to have settled down.

They're on the attack, ticking along
with the precision of a Swiss clock,

with Jamie Tartt as its central cog.

[groans] Tiki-taka.

- Tiki-fucking-tedious.
- [spectators chuckling]

[Arlo] Trickery from Tartt.
The outside of his boot to Rojas.

- So close.
- Shit!

- [spectators groaning]
- Shit. [clicks tongue]

Oh, shoot.

Well, something happened.

[Chris] Jamie Tartt is going to carve
West Ham up if they keep letting him.

[chanting]
Come on, Richmond! Come on, Richmond!

[all chanting] Come on, Richmond!
Come on, Richmond!

That's all right, fellas.
Keep calm and get fired up.

Here we go, Greyhounds!

[Chris]
West Ham looking dangerous here, Arlo.

- [Arlo] And Quizet scores...
- No!

- ...past a diving Zorro.
- Goddamn it!

It's okay. It's okay.

- Come on, Richmond!
- Richmond!

[Keeley, Sassy] Come on, Richmond!

[Chris] Bad moment for the keeper,
but that mask is cool as hell.

[Arlo] He's got that going for him, Chris.

That's okay, fellas. Let's go!

[crowd, players shouting]

[Arlo] West Ham are gaining ground.
Richmond are playing in reverse.

- [cell phones chiming]
- Come on, boys!

[crowd murmuring]

- Hey, Nate.
- [chiming continues]

Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, is that what I think it is?

Yep. Man City just scored.

[Arlo] In Manchester, City have
taken the lead against Liverpool.

It's okay. All right. Okay.

[Arlo] Here in West London,
the Hammers are on the attack.

[Chris] Richmond absolutely cannot
concede here, Arlo.

And they've conceded!

- No!
- [groans]

[Arlo] West Ham extend their lead.
Richmond's dreams are in tatters.

[screams, groans]

Shit! Don't say "shit."

[whistle blowing]

[Arlo] And at the half, it's West Ham 2,
Richmond's title hopes 0.

Chris Powell, how would you
sum up the first half?

Richmond's Cinderella story seems
to be turning into a big, fat pumpkin.

[players chattering, indistinct]

- Just go.
- All right.

Shut your butts and sit your mouths down!

[players muttering]

You know what I meant.

[player sighs]

Thanks, Coach.

Well, fellas, we got our work
cut out for us in the second half.

But you know,
I'll get to all that in a minute.

No, uh, right now, all I wanna do
is let you gentlemen know

what an absolute honor
it's been to be your coach.

Getting to work with y'all
these last three years

has truly been one of
the greatest experiences of my life.

I've loved getting to know
each and every single one of you.

Learning all about the men you were

and getting a front-row seat
to see the men you all have become.

A-And I wanna thank you
for your patience with me.

You know, when I showed up here,
I didn't know one thing about soccer.

But now...

Well, now I know at least one thing
about football.

[players chuckle]

I'm just so gosh damn proud to be
a part of this team. You know?

And I love you guys.

I'm gonna miss y'all.

Now, regarding this second half...

Yeah, I don't know what's gonna happen.
[chuckles] You know what I mean?

No one does.

Sports would be a lot less fun if we did.
You know?

[player chuckles]

And you all would probably
make a lot less money, so... You know?

[players chuckling]

We don't wanna know the future.
No, no, we wanna be here right now.

And look,
I-I know we're down a couple goals.

But I'm telling you, man,

if y'all play hard, play smart,
play together and just, you know...

Just do what y'all do,

and we'll go out with the peace of mind
knowing we did our best. Right?

- That we tried. Yeah?
- [players murmuring] Yes, Coach.

Hmm. All right.

Anybody else have something to say?

- Coach.
- Yeah, Sam, what you got?

[chuckles]

- Yeah, let's go. Let's do it.
- [players chattering]

[Jamie] That's my bit.
I know where that went.

[chattering continues]

[player 1] This one goes here.

- [player 2] Hold on. No, no.
- [player 3] Just right there.

- There you go.
- [players] Ah.

And there it is. Number four. Yeah?

- All right, let's bring it in.
- [sniffles]

I know folks like to say,
"There's no place like home."

That's true. You know.

- [player chuckles]
- Mm-hmm.

Man, there ain't a whole lot
of places like AFC Richmond either.

[Dani] Mmm.

Captain?

- Richmond on three. One, two, three...
- [players] Richmond! [clamoring]

[players chattering, cheering]

[Arlo] The Greyhounds have come out
for the second half

looking like the team
we've seen win 16 matches in a row.

Playing a style of football
that is as fun to watch

as it is to play.

[Chris] Well, it makes me wish
I was down there right now, Arlo.

Not playing, because I'm old
and likely to get hurt.

- [players shouting]
- [Arlo] Audacious from Tartt.

Rojas cuts inside. He shoots!

- Off the post!
- [groaning]

- [Arlo] Obisanya...
- [gasping]

- ...off the woodwork again!
- Oh!

No, no, no!

- [Arlo] Hughes!
- [crowd, coaches cheering]

[Arlo] Another miss!

[all groaning]

- [cheering]
- [Arlo] And Tartt finally puts it away

in the 51st minute,
and Richmond have a lifeline!

Yes! Get in!

- Yeah, Jamie Tartt!
- [laughs]

[Arlo]
The entire front four were involved.

- And Tartt put it home.
- ♪ Jamie Tartt, dun-dun-du-dun-un ♪

[Chris] This feels like trouble
for West Ham, Arlo.

The one thing they cannot afford to do
is let Jamie Tartt get going.

For fuck's sake, George, do something.
Mark him.

[mouthing words] Get in there.

[Arlo] And here come Richmond again!

Tartt loses his marker.

- [crowd gasps]
- Referee!

- [whistle blows]
- And it's a penalty!

[Arlo]
Richmond have been relentless this half.

Now, Tartt wins them a chance to equalize.

Okay. Here we go. Here we go.

[Chris] That was professional from Tartt.

Not quite a dive,
but not much of a foul either.

[bar patrons chattering]

Yes, Jamie Tartt, you fucking genius!

Hey.

Knock it in, muchacho.

Sure.

Crush it, Capitan.

What the fuck, bruv?

Okay.

Just take it, mate.

- Bruv.
- It'll be fun.

El Isaac.

- [players chattering]
- [Arlo] Is McAdoo stepping up?

Oh, shit.

[Chris] Wait, what?

McAdoo to take the penalty?

- I wouldn't trust him to take an aspirin.
- [chuckling]

[inhales sharply, exhales heavily]

[Arlo] Isaac McAdoo
has never taken a penalty

in his entire career.

- This is madness from 18 yards.
- Come on, man. You got this, bro.

[dog whimpers]

- [West Ham player] Let's go!
- Shit.

Okay, gents, outside the area, please.

[exhales sharply]

[whistle blows]

It's like he's shooting a free throw
with his feet.

[both] Shh!

[Arlo] This is McAdoo's moment.
If he scores here, the comeback is on.

Oh, it's gone over the bar
and into the stands!

[crowd gasping, groaning]

[Arlo] Hang on a second.

Mike Dean wants a closer look
at something.

- What?
- Wait.

- [whistle blows]
- [crowd cheering]

[Arlo] Mike Dean's calling it a goal.

- How is it possible?
- [mouthing word] What?

[cheering]

[Chris] Did McAdoo just hit the ball

- through the bloody net?
- Oh, fuck!

[Arlo] I think he did, Chris.

We've never seen anything like this,

- and the score is 2-2.
- [cheering]

- [cheers] 2-2.
- Whoo!

[Arlo] West Ham are furious.
And you can't really blame them.

- This is unprecedented.
- [laughs]

- What just happened?
- [cheering]

[Chris] We need to take another look
at that penalty, Arlo.

[Arlo] A-And look, he cannons the ball
through the net! And...

Oh, goodness me.
I hope that fan's okay.

[cheering]

Come on, Richmond!

- Oh! That is a lot of blood.
- Oh, my God. It's him.

Yes! Whoo! Whoo!

Finally. [chuckles] Whoo!

[cheering]

[Arlo] And as a result
of McAdoo's superhuman foot,

we'll have a bit of a stoppage as
the grounds crew race to replace the net.

Where's he going?

[George] Huddle. Huddle. Come on.

[Arlo] Hang on, Rupert Mannion is out on
the pitch and he's headed to the dugout!

- ...going right on the...
- Oi.

- What are you doing?
- What the fuck are you doing?

W-What are you talking about?

Tartt is out there doing
whatever he fucking wants.

Yeah. But I've got two players
on him already.

Take him out.

Are you joking?

Get rid of him.

[Arlo] This is remarkable.
Rupert Mannion remonstrating

with his own manager on the pitch.

- You don't see this very often.
- What's he doing?

[Chris] Well, not since the invention
of telephones at least.

- I'm not playing the game like that.
- You do what I say or you are done.

Fuck off. [grunts]

- [Arlo] Oh, dear.
- [patrons gasp]

[Arlo] Ugly scenes at Nelson Road.

[Chris] Rupert Mannion's nuts.

- And George Cartrick's.
- [Arlo] Damn it, Chris.

Oi, ref,
there's three balls on the field!

[laughing]

What?

Get up.

[sighs]

Get up!

[Mike Dean] Okay, gents.
Let's go, please. We're back.

George. Put 'em away.

Oh, yeah.

[whistle blows]

[crowd cheering]

- Right. Come on, lads. Get out there.
- [players clapping]

Come on! You can take these.
You've got more heart.

- [crowd jeering]
- That's what I wanna see. More passion.

O'Neill, keep the midfield tight. Come on!

Hearts of lions, lads!

Hearts of lions!

[fan 1] Wanker!

- [fan 2] Wanker!
- [fan 3] Wanker! Wanker!

[crowd] Wanker! Wanker! Wanker!

Wanker! Wanker! Wanker!

[chanting continues]

Wanker! [chuckles]

[patrons] Wanker! Wanker!
Wanker! Wanker!

[chanting continues]

- [Arlo] And the game goes on.
- [whistle blows]

Presumably without Rupert Mannion.

[crowd cheering]

[Chris] Ever since the match resumed,
West Ham have had all the momentum.

[Arlo] They're pinging this around,
and Richmond can't get the ball off them.

A lob into the box.

Zoreaux knocks it.

Oh, no.

[Arlo]
The Hammers pounce. Back into the mixer.

- [Arlo] And it's 3-2!
- [groaning]

Heaven for the Hammers.
Heartbreak for the home side.

[laughs]

What the fuck are you laughing at?

- Fourteen was offside.
- What?

Mmm.

[Arlo] VAR are checking the replay.

[whistle blows]

- Offside.
- [cheering]

- [Arlo] The goal's been disallowed.
- Boom.

[Arlo] A stay of execution for Richmond
as West Ham are called for offside.

- Oh, thank you.
- [both imitate explosion]

Huh.

- It's not counterfeit.
- Not a reflection on you.

One minute of added time remaining
in Richmond's miracle season.

Come on. Put your foot in.

[Arlo] The Greyhounds are running
out of time and ideas.

- Come on.
- [Arlo] Do they have one miracle left?

[player shouting]

[Arlo] Tartt, completely boxed in.

He finds Montlaur bearing down on goal.

- [whistle blows]
- Montlaur is brought down.

And Richmond have a free kick
in a dangerous position.

- [cheers]
- [Keeley] Come on.

[players chattering]

- Come on.
- Come on.

[Arlo] This could be useful.
What can Richmond order up here?

- Okay. Come on. Talk to me, geese.
- Uh, Lasso Special.

We're too close for that.
Uh, Loki's Toboggan?

That's a long-ass toboggan ride.
Uh, Upside-Down Taxicab.

- [Roy] It's tough without Cockburn.
- Wait. Hold on.

Hey, Nate. Nate, come here.
Come on. Hurry up. Come on.

Yeah, of course.

- Hey, fellas! Hey! [whistles]
- I don't know what...

[Arlo] Time is running out.
What can the Greyhounds conjure here?

Oh. Here, hold that.

[Ted] It's an Oscar!

It's heavy. It's a little heavy.
There you go. Yeah.

- [Ted] Or the ESPY.
- [players] Oh.

All right. Here we go. Give me that. Okay.

- [Jamie] You know what you're doing?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah.
- I'm good. Yeah, yeah.

[sighs]

- [Arlo] It all comes down to this.
- [whistle blows]

[Arlo] Obisanya lays it off to Dixon.

Come on, come on. Come on.

[Arlo] Dixon switches the play
to Bumbercatch.

Tartt makes his run into the box.

Yeah, yeah! Pass me the ball.
Me, me, me! I want the ball!

Pass me the ball, please.

[Chris] Obisanya's unmarked.

[Arlo] A beautiful ball in.

Barbecue sauce.

[cheering]

[Arlo] Richmond have done it!
Oh, my God, the Greyhounds have done it!

[cheering, laughing]

- [screams] Oh! [screams]
- Yeah! Go, Dad! [screams]

Yes! [laughs] Yeah!

[Arlo] Nelson Road is in rapture!

- You used my play! You used my play!
- Yeah, I did! Yeah!

Come on. Bring it... Bring it... Bring.

[whistle blowing]

[Arlo] Mike Dean blows for full time.

Yeah! Yeah!

Thank you, good game.

[Arlo] And the fans
are storming onto the pitch!

And you simply cannot blame them!

[all cheering, shouting]

We won.

- Come on.
- [chuckles]

[all cheering]

Look what you did, Rebecca!

- Go, Richmond!
- Look what you did!

- I didn't do it.
- Yes, you fucking did!

- [players chanting]
- [Arlo] There's a fun sight.

Ted Lasso celebrating with his team.

[Chris] I never know how to react
when a white guy

does the running man in front of everyone.

[cheering, chanting]

[Chris] Well, what a game, Arlo.

[Arlo]
Well, Richmond have done all they can,

so it's time to head over
to the Etihad Stadium

to see the fate
of the Premier League title.

[cheering fades]

[plane approaching]

- Ready?
- Just these two, please.

- [announcer] ...flight 822 to Kansas City.
- [cashier] Sure.

[beeps]

- All right. Appreciate you.
- Thank you.

- Whoa! Are you Ted Lasso?
- Yeah. I'm one of them.

Oh, mate, sucks about
Richmond coming in second.

- Uh, Man City are just too good, yeah.
- Hmm. Yeah.

- Are you heading home for a cheeky visit?
- I'm heading home for good, actually.

That's stupid.
Should have stayed, crushed it. Legend.

Just a bit unlucky at the end.

- Can I get an ussie?
- Yeah, sure.

Sick.

- Wicked.
- Kinky Boots.

Now what the heck are you doing here?

[sighs] I just bought a ticket
to get through security

so I could come and say a proper goodbye.

Ah. Classic rom-com leave-cute tactic.

- [chuckles] Hmm.
- Love it. Okay.

Hold on.
You bought yourself a first-class ticket

- for a flight you ain't ever gonna take?
- It was just force of habit.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Uh, I see you're sticking
around though, huh?

[sighs]

Well, Ted,
you're going home to your family and...

I actually want to stay with mine.

Hmm.

It's a great picture, you know.
Can't wait to read the article.

- It's not bad, actually.
- Hmm.

I would have preferred if they hadn't
described me as the "club matriarch."

Mmm. Yeah.

I mean, it does have more gravitas
than "soccer mom."

[chuckles]

[chuckles, sighs]

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Oh. I'm sorry.
- Sorry. Oh. No, I'm sorry.

Please, you go first.

Thank you.

Thank you.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Okay.

- [gate agent] There you are.
- Thank you.

[flight attendant]
Seat belt sign has now been illuminated,

so please take your seat.

The cabin door has been closed.

Flight attendants,
please prepare for gate departure.

[sighs]

Coach, is this nuts?

Us leaving like this?

I mean, we almost won the whole
frigging thing, you know?

Saying goodbye to a bunch of nice folks.

A-And I know I've finally accepted
that air conditioning is a privilege

and not a right.

[sighs] I don't know. What do you think?

I can't do this.

[inhales deeply] I don't wanna go, Ted.
I'm in love with Jane.

[inhales sharply] I wanna stay,
and I don't wanna let you down.

But with your permission, I'd love
to run off this plane and into her arms.

Well, I mean, what about your luggage?

- Forget my luggage. It's full of rice.
- What? Why?

- I haven't slept for three days, man.
- Okay. I'm sorry, you know.

I've been dreading this.
Talking to you. Abandoning you.

What? No, no, no, hold on, Coach.
You ain't abandoning me, okay?

You're just following your heart.
I get it.

And, yeah, you should go.

But look, man, I don't think
they're gonna let you off this plane

with that door already shut.

I have a plan.

Of course you do. Okay.
What do you need me to do?

Whatever's about to happen,
that's a great start.

I love you, Ted.

I love you too, Willis.

[screams]

- Oh, boy.
- [screams] My appendix!

- The other side, Coach.
- Thank you. [screaming]

Oh, my God. Are you all right, sir?

- [screaming continues]
- Call the medics.

[groaning]

Would you like to go to the hospital
with your friend?

[screams]

Nah. I'm okay. Thanks though.

What a fucking arsehole.

["Father and Son" playing]

[pilot] Flight attendants cross-check.
Please prepare for departure.

Oh, God!

Little love, are you all right?

[speaking Dutch]

I... It's you.

Wie is dat, Papa?

[chuckles] Um... [speaking Dutch] Uh...

Rebecca.

Rebecca.

[speaking indistinctly]

Hmm.

- [chattering]
- We've got to put this one this way.

[all chattering indistinctly]

Please welcome the new manager
of AFC Richmond, Roy Kent!

[chattering, laughing]

[chattering]

[chattering]

Oh, hello!

Hi!

[Keeley] Nice to see you.

- [customer] Thank you.
- Cheers.

- Your name?
- [customer 2] Shannon.

- I have something to show you.
- Hmm.

[both scream]

[song continues]

Go down a little.
And by little, I actually mean,

- like, three inches.
- [Nathan] Yeah. Yeah.

- [Roy mutters]
- Stop.

- Good going there, Roy.
- All right, bring me down.

Isn't it marvelous that we can gather here

on this most historical of monuments
under the gaze of his good Lordship?

Friends and family sharing the love
that is entwined

for Beard and Jane.

And not just Beard and Jane,

for Jane beareth
one of God's newest children.

And I know...
[continues speaking indistinctly]

[pilot] This is your captain. Welcome to
Kansas City International Airport.

[continues indistinctly]

[Henry] He's here! Dad's here! Come on!

Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!

[chuckling] Hey.

Yep. Thank you.

Come on, man. Talk to me.
How are you doing?

- [Henry] Good.
- [Ted] Yeah?

- [Henry] Mm-hmm.
- [Ted] What's new?

- [crowd cheering]
- [whistle blows]

[Ted] All right. Good save.
Let's go. Come on. Let's attack.

Find some space, Henry. There you go.

Come on, Henry!

[Ted] All right. Let it rip.

- [crowd groans]
- Oh! [groans]

- All right, that's okay.
- [Henry groans] Shoot.

Hey, Henry. Come here, man.

- Hey, you okay?
- Can't believe I missed that.

Hey. Don't worry about all that, okay?
What do we say, huh?

[sighs] Be a goldfish.

That's right.

All right. Now, come on now.
Get on out there.

- Have some fun, yeah? Attaboy.
- [chuckles] Okay, yeah.

Come on, boys. Good job, Henry.

["Fight Test" playing]