Ted Lasso (2020–…): Season 3, Episode 11 - Mom City - full transcript

- Hello, there.
- Hey, there.

- Hi, Ted.
- Howdy.

Hey, Ted. Good luck this weekend.

I appreciate you, Susan.

Hey, Ms. Barnaby. Rough night?

Ted, if it's not rough, it isn't fun.

Boy.

- Hiya.
- Hey, fellas. How you doing?

- What's up, Coach?
- There she is.

Hey, wanker. Don't get all cocky
and fuck up that streak you're on.

What streak?



- Go Richmond.
- Yes, sir.

Morning.

Hey. How you doing?

- Mom?
- Hey, Teddy.

Don't think the cleaners
actually cleaned the floor.

There are no cleaners.

So, why do we put the chairs
on the tables?

The patriarchy.

Okay. Oh, well. I'll just go get a broom.

Hello.

We're not open for another half hour.
Would you care to wait not here?

- I'm sorry.
- Okay.

No, wait.

We're actually here to speak
with Nathan Shelley. He works here, yeah?



No such man exists.

Oh, my God, it's true.

How did you go through your money so fast?

Did you get addicted to the limelight?

What? No. No, I just like working here.

I like spending time with my girlfriend.

She was right there.

- That was my girlfriend. She...
- Okay.

What are you guys doing here?

We want you to come back to Richmond.

- You do?
- Yeah, bruv.

'Cause this shit here is sad as fuck.

And all of you? You want me to come...

Yeah. It'll be good to have you back.

The whole team talked about it,
and it was unanimous.

Except for Bumbercatch.

Who abstained
because he's passionately antidemocratic.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

So, what? Ted asked you guys
to come here to get me to come back?

No, Ted doesn't know about it.

Yeah, no, we wanted to ask you
to see if you wanted to come back

before we approached Ted.

Okay, well, sorry, guys.

I don't think it's a good idea
for me to come back to Richmond, so...

Thank you though.

- Okay.
- Cool.

Can I have 75 kebabs to go?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, of course.
Chicken, pork or lamb?

Or 25 of each?

Nate the Great.

- Yum.
- Okay.

- Nice.
- Hey.

Thank you!

Pretty sparse.

What are all these
crazy symbols on your oven dial?

Yeah, well, the one with
the line under the nuclear power symbol,

that's for making cookies and chicken.

The three squiggly lines
let you burn a frozen pizza.

And the key symbol there,
that makes the whole thing beep

until Beard comes over
and fixes it for me.

Is everything okay, Mom?

Sure. I'm just looking around.

No, no. No, I mean, you being here
in London. Is everything okay?

Oh, yeah. Everything's fine.

I just always wanted to see England,

so I booked this trip
as a little Mother's Day gift to myself.

Okay. Well, I mean,
how long you been here?

- Just a week.
- A week? Where the heck you staying?

This adorable little hostel.

- Mom...
- Now, I met so many Australians.

They are backpacking through Europe.

So much sex.

- Mom.
- No, not me.

- The Australians.
- No, no, I get it. Okay.

How about you stay here
for the rest of your trip, all right?

Only if I'm not a hassle.

You're not a hassle, Mom, okay?
Please stay here.

- Okay.
- Okay, good. All right.

- Now, look, I gotta get to work.
- All righty. Have fun.

You wanna tag along?

- Well, I don't wanna be in your hair.
- Mom, I want you in my hair. Okay?

I want you in my friends'
and coworkers' hair.

Now, please. Come on with.

- Okay, thank you. I would like that.
- All right, good.

You don't have to bring
your suitcase, Mom.

- Okay. I'll just grab my coat...
- Yeah.

...get my bag,
leave my worries on the doorstep.

Yeah, just direct your feet that way,
Mom. Okay.

Sam,
Richmond have won 15 matches in a row.

With two games left,
you're just four points off

Manchester City
for the Premier League title.

- Do you have a question?
- Yeah. Am I dreaming?

Well, if you are, please, don't wake up.

And if this is the Matrix,
don't unplug me.

Yeah, better Trent.

Marcus Adebayo, The Independent.

Jamie,
on the heels of making your England debut,

how does it feel to be named
Premier League Player of the Month?

Yeah. Yeah. It feels good, I guess.

But it's really the team
making me look good.

So, I should be doing a better job
of making them look good, really.

So, yeah. Makes me feel bad.

Jamie also led the league
in assists this month,

so he's done plenty to make
his teammates look good.

Yeah, but they're the ones
who took all the shots.

He also scored a goal.

That was meant to be a pass.
You shouldn't count that.

That goal is a lie.
It should be retracted from the records.

I apologize to everyone,
especially the kids.

Right, let's call it there, everyone.
That was great. Thanks very much.

- Hey, Boss.
- Hello, Ted.

So this morning,
I don't just bring biscuits.

I also have a very special surprise guest.

How exciting.
To whom do I owe the pleasure?

I'm Coach Lasso's new bodyguard.

Please keep your hands
where I can see them.

I'm just kidding.

You can keep them well-manicured
mitts of yours wherever you like.

Oh, my God. You're Ted's mother.

Winner, winner, B. F. Skinner.

Mom, this is my boss, Rebecca Welton.
Rebecca, this is Dottie Lasso.

Honey, bring that in.

I can't believe I'm finally getting
to meet the woman who created

one of the nicest humans I've ever met.

Oh, no, don't look at me.

This one popped out and immediately
asked the doctor if he needed anything.

That doesn't make any sense.

Babies can't talk and nor do they
understand empathy. And you know...

Dottie... I'm sorry. May I call you Dottie?

Sure, if you want me to respond.

Right. If you'd like,
I'd love to show you around.

I've heard great things
about the Sherlock Holmes Museum.

I mean around the facility.

Even better.
I can't wait to meet Dani Rojas.

And he does not disappoint.

- Shall we?
- Sure.

- Where you from, honey?
- Surrey.

Where are you from?

- Surrey.
- I thought you said "sorry."

So I say,

"Officer, you must be mistaken.

You couldn't have arrested my son.
My son is asleep in his own bed."

Are you sure you do not want
a kebab, Mama Lasso?

Oh, no, thank you, Dani.

You are so polite.

Okay, now bear with me.

It must be so lovely
having your mother visiting, Ted.

Oh, yeah. It's great.

- Oklahoma.
- Oh, no. It's weird.

Didn't tell me she was coming.

Just showed up out of nowhere,
you know, like one of them

weird eyebrow hairs I started getting
the day after I turned 40.

That's what mothers do, Ted.

So it turns out my 12-year-old son
was not asleep in his own room.

He had taken our car for a joyride.

Now, he was arrested
for driving on the wrong side of the road,

so I guess he was destined
to live in England.

Now, see, I wasn't 12. I was 15.
And the whole reason we got pulled over

was 'cause Ronnie Fowch was throwing
gang signs at a cop car.

Look, sometimes the truth can ruin
a perfectly good story.

Yeah, you should work for the Daily Mail.

Ted, if you can give your mom
one lovely moment,

you know, a memory to take back home,
then you've won.

Yeah, all right. Thanks, Boss.

Right. I've got to go
and see a man about a horse.

I didn't know girls said that
when they gotta pee.

No, Ted, I'm buying a horse.

Hey, did Teddy ever tell you about
the time he ate a candy bar made of poop?

Okay, okay! All right.

I think that's enough story time
with Mama Lasso, all right, fellas?

Practice starts in twenty minutes.
Up you go.

- Nice to meet you, Mama Lasso.
- Nice to meet you.

Hey, Mom. I'll be right back.

I'm gonna go change,
and then I'll take you out to the pitch.

Okay, honey. I'll be here.

Mrs. Lasso, I just wanted to
introduce myself. I'm Trent Crimm.

- Hello, Trent.
- Hello.

I was wondering if I could
just have a little chat with you about...

Trent, your hair is fabulous.

- It really is. It's just styling.
- Thank you. Thank you.

Van Damme. You still gotta wear that mask?

Yeah, I do, man. Or else I die.

Between wearing that mask and death,
I choose death.

- It does make you look very stupid.
- Oh, well. Thank you, Jan Maas.

You wanna take a crack, Jamie?

I think it's more important
to be safe than to look cool.

Oi! Tartt.

Boot room. Now!

Somebody is in trouble.

No. Shouting is Roy's love language.

All right. Listen up.

This is not the week for your mister
fucking humble, great teammate bullshit.

We got City on Saturday,
so we need you to be the prickiest prick

you've ever been
in your little prick life.

You understand? So I don't want you...

What is wrong?

I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.

Are you fucking dying or some shit?

No. No. I'm... No. I'm just tired.

But I can't sleep, and I can't eat.

And I wash me hair,
but I don't use any conditioner anymore

'cause I... Like, what's the fucking point?

I feel like the guy
in the Red Bull commercial

who's pushing that big rock up the hill,

but he's lost his wings.

Roy, I feel like...
I feel like I've lost me wings, Roy.

Where the fuck are my wings, Roy?

Fuck.

- Will?
- Yeah?

You missed a good one.

Oh, boy.

...that you've ever
seen. You know, I even...

Oh, my God, Coach.
Our new striker looks just like your mom.

That is my mom.

I know, Ted. That was a joke.

- Right.
- Hey, Ted. Got a sec?

What is time, Higgs boson? What's up?

So, this morning,

a few of my little birdies
went to visit Nathan in his new job,

waiting tables in Tooting.

- Tooting?
- Tooting.

- Did he just say "Tooting"?
- Tooting.

- Y'all got a town here called "Tooting"?
- Tooting, yes.

Man, this place is great, right?

Yeah.
Sorry, what were you saying about Nate?

The little birdies are pretty sure
he'd come back if invited.

Uh-huh. Okay. What do you think?

Well, I do believe in second chances, Ted.

That's why I'm still married,
and all my sons are alive.

Hey, Roy. Would it bother you
if we brought Nate back?

No. I don't give a fuck.

He's great at the shit I suck at.
Look, I've gotta go and do something.

Okay. Everything all right?

Yeah. I've just come down with a case
of the "none of your fucking business."

Right, right. Okay. What about you, Coach?

- You all right if Nate comes...
- If you bring that Judas back,

I will burn this place
to the fucking ground.

Ted?

Is it true that you got onstage and danced
with Bruce Springsteen?

No, that was Courteney Cox.

What I did do was sing "Glory Days"
with a Bruce Springsteen cover band

at my friend Scott Cinnamon's bar mitzvah.

It was the bar mitzvah.
That's right. It was the bar mitzvah.

- Is this your mom?
- Yeah.

It is so nice to meet you.

Friends don't shake hands. Friends hug.

- Weirdo Beard-o!
- Lodi Dodi!

Come on, bring it on in. There you go.

- Trent, come along.
- Lodi Dodi, she like to party

She don't cause trouble
Don't bother nobody

- Some of us got a football team to coach!
- Whoo-hoo!

Lodi Dodi, she like to party

She don't cause trouble
Don't bother nobody

Hello. Are you here about the pipes?

No. What's wrong with the pipes?

Nothing.

That's why I thought it was so weird
that you were here about the pipes.

Roy, what are you doing here?

I need to talk.

Roy...

Oh, no. Not about us. I just...

I need your help with Jamie.

He's all fucked in the head.
And I've tried to do it myself,

but it's all that emotional shit
you're good at.

Also... you look nice.

You want my help with Jamie?

Yeah, and you look nice.

Both of you.

Thank you.

This cost two pounds
from a car boot sale, so...

All right.

You know, thank you.

This place is very charming.

Reminds of this Irish bar
I went to in Topeka.

Well, you probably don't wanna
share that with me.

The Irish part or the Topeka part?

Both, really.

No! No!

My turn. Excuse me.

Trying to follow the yellow brick road,
where the dogs of society keep on howling.

How's he doing?

Well, I'm ahead,
but he's better set up for the multiball.

No, silly pants. How's he doing?

Well, he's Ted.

Still running around in circles,

making sure everybody's okay without
accepting a drop of help for himself.

Pretty much. How you doing, Dottie?

Don't you worry about me.

Nah, y'all got enough cooking without
putting my troubles on your to-do list.

- Here you go.
- Thank you, Mae.

Cheers, Mae.

Mae, your pub is wonderful.

It's nothing like
that Irish place in Topeka.

I'll take your word for it.

So, you seeing anyone?

Had my heart ripped out of my chest,
stomped into a pulp,

and dragged through the town square
for everyone to ridicule.

Sweetie.
That's okay, you'll meet somebody.

No, I'm in love.

- Here. Wanna see a picture?
- Sure.

Your mum's a peach.

Oh, yeah. I... Thanks.

Here, I'll swap with you. There you are.

You know, Ted, pinball is a lot more fun
if you use an actual ball.

Yeah. Well, I... You know, I was letting
Coach and my mom catch up a little.

That's all.

"They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had
and add some extra just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

by fools in old-style hats and coats,

who half the time were soppy-stern
and half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can
and don't have any kids yourself."

Hey, Ted. Your mum's the bollocks.

We just became friends on Facebook.

I didn't know you were almost
the drummer in Coldplay.

Oh, yeah. It's true. It's true.

It's amazing. It's incredible!

No way.

I can't take your bed, Teddy.

Mom, it's okay, all right?
I'll just sleep on the couch.

- No, I'll sleep on the couch.
- Well, then I'm gonna sleep

on the floor next to the couch,
and neither of us are gonna use the bed.

Please.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

- Not on the bed.
- Okay. Okay. Okay.

Hey, I brought you something.

What? On the off chance
we'd bump into each other?

No, it's your clippings from back home.

I thought you'd want those.

I appreciate it.

So, what's your plan tomorrow?

Yeah, do you wanna come
to Manchester with us?

I don't know.

I mean, coming all the way to England
and not seeing a soccer match

is kind of like going to Rome
and not going to church

or getting your pocket picked.

Well, thank you,
but I think I'll just stay here.

I didn't get much sleep last week,
what with all that noisy sex from...

- Not me... the Australians.
- The Australians.

- Yes, no, I remember.
- Yeah. Exactly.

And you know how nervous I get
when I'm watching your games.

So I think I'll just stay put

and let you go beat the pants
off those Manchesterians.

Mancunians.

And then I'll have a home-cooked meal
waiting for you when you get back.

It's been too long.

Yeah. No, that'll be nice. Okay.

Well, then I'll see you in the morning.

Hey...

Are you still having those episodes?

- You know.
- The panic attacks.

Yeah.

No, no. Not recently.

You know, I've actually been
talking to this therapist.

Let me guess. It's all my fault.

No, Mom. No, of course not. No, but...

Well, I mean, It's really helped.

Good, good, good, good, good, good.

Yeah. You ever thought
about talking to someone?

Oh, no. That is not my cup of tea.
And you know I love my tea.

Good night, Mom.

Good night, sweetie.
Thank you for the bed.

You're welcome.

Hey, hot dog. Y'all joining us today?

- Well, we're all in this together, Ted.
- Yeah.

I also received
a strongly worded text from Nora

demanding I stop using my private jet.

Why?

- The environment.
- Oh, yeah.

- Goddamn environment.
- Yeah.

Yep.

All right.

Hi.

- Hey.
- How's he doing?

Fucking hell.

I'll talk to him.

Right.

Ladies and gentlemen.
Let our journey commence.

Look at Ken.
Boy, he cleans up nice, don't he?

- You should see him in drag.
- Really?

There you go. Well take your time.

And while you wait, do snack on some nuts.
And I'll be back with your drinks.

- All right?
- Thank you.

Hey, hey. Oi, oi, oi.
Do you know who this is?

Your son?

What? No.

Our waiter?

Bloody hell, you two are a right pair.
No, I mean do you know who he was?

I don't know.

Only the manager of West Ham United.

Right. You're the Wonder Kid.

Yes, that's it. I said Wonder Kid.

This man right here went
from kit man to assistant coach,

to manager, to top of the league,
and now he's my head waiter.

I'm so sorry.

Anyway, nice talking to you.

Please try the fish.
We've got a ton of it out back.

- All right. Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish.
- Yep, yep.

Was it drugs? I done drugs. I get it.

No, no. No, I just like working here.

And that's my girlfriend.

Anyway, enjoy the nuts.
I'll go and get your drinks, okay?

Definitely drugs.

Oh, yeah. Definitely.

But which ones?

Hi.

Hey.

Can I come in?

Yeah, yeah. Sure.

Come in. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, what's up, yeah?

I just wanted to come
and see how you're doing.

Roy told you.

Well, he's worried about you.
Is that okay?

Yeah. Yeah, it's fine.

I'm fine. I'm good. I'm great.

In fact,
I think I'm the best that I've ever been.

You know?

There's something so sad about a suitcase.
Do you know what I mean? It's like...

It's like a drawer without a home.

Hey, Jamie. Look at me.

- You've got a lot going on right now.
- There's a lot going on, yeah.

This is the first time you've played
back home since you left.

The crowd's gonna hate you.

And the person who's gonna be booing
the loudest in the crowd is your dad.

I didn't think of that. Yeah.

And I know a lot of people
are shit-talking your hair online.

- They're what?
- No! Think about it.

If you guys win tomorrow,

then you will be on the precipice
of achieving everything

that you've ever dreamed of.

- Oh, my God.
- Shit!

Sorry, Jamie.

Here.

Cheers.

How'd it go with Jamie?

Yeah, I fucked it. I made it worse.

Shit.

Hello, Roy and Keeley.

Good to see you both
next to each other like before.

No.
We're just sitting together as friends.

Yeah, and she just looks very nice.

Nora Ephron.

- I'm saying my apology.
- Who?

Carl Bernstein's ex.

Don't cry, Shop Girl. Don't cry.

I wanted it to be you.

I wanted it to be you so badly.

I mean, Sleepless in Seattle is still
a far superior film.

- Not now.
- I'm just saying.

Whoo!

All right. Listen up, you big softies.

10:00 p.m., lights out.
Then get yourselves some beauty sleep

for tomorrow's big meet-cute
with Man City,

- you hear?
- Whoo!

All right, "Ephron" on three.
One, two, three!

- Ephron!
- There you go.

- That was Dave Chappelle.
- Yeah.

Not bad, yeah?
Hey, y'all seen that before?

- First time? First time, yeah?
- First time.

It's a goody. It was a goody.

You gotta see Sleepless in Seattle,
though. You know, this is why...

The fuck is he?

I don't know. You've lost him.

- You said he went down here.
- I did not. You said that.

No. I said he's in a tunnel,

- I didn't say he was in this tunnel.
- Well, there's no other tunnel, is there?

I don't believe it.
You've lost Jamie Tartt.

- You can't lose Jamie Tartt.
- Well, you have.

- Fucking hell!
- Why are you following me?

Just wanted to make sure you're okay,
you prick.

What's going on, Jamie?
Are you buying drugs?

Come on.

- Are you joking? Oi!
- How'd you miss?

- Are you Jamie Tartt?
- Yeah.

More like Jamie Fart.

- Screw you, dickhead! Prick!
- Yeah, who are you?

City's gonna fuck you up tomorrow.

Yeah, you spaz. You little twat!

- Yeah, it's not for you, pussy!
- Yeah, go on!

- Walk. Bye!
- Bye.

I smell your bum from here.

Good lads.

Oh, my gosh!

- That was sick!
- Come on!

- Yes, yes!
- Yeah! Come on!

Hey! Jamie!

How you doing, Simon?

- This is Keeley, that's Roy.
- Come on in, come on in.

- How are you, mate? Good seeing you, man.
- Yeah, great.

- Hi!
- Hello.

Hello.

Georgie, we've got visitors.

What was that, love? Someone at the door?

Hello, Mommy.

Jamie!

Mommy, I'd like to introduce you
to Keeley, and this hairy prick's Roy.

- Hi.
- Hey, you.

Hi! It's lovely to finally meet you both.

I'd come and give you a hug,
but I'm not letting go of this one.

There they go.

Right, who wants some sweet treats?

Look at your gorgeous face. I love it.

- How have you been? Look at you.
- Mom. You look...

It was just poopy.
You know, it really upset me.

This guy on Twitter,
he kept saying that it was blonde,

but I'm like,
"It's fucking walnut mist, mate."

- Yeah, obviously.
- Yeah.

He's done a lovely job. It's dead natural.

- What do you think?
- It's really yummy.

- Hey.
- It's fucking delicious.

Well, it's a Paul Hollywood recipe,
but I've gone a little bit rogue on it.

- Right.
- Babes,

do you wanna give Roy and Keeley
the grand tour?

Show them around a bit.

Yes! Good idea. Thank... Oops!

Right, follow me. We will start
in the kitchen, aka my laboratory.

I've just got a new bain-marie,
and it's copperplated.

Wow. What does that mean?
It sounds expensive.

Have you ever considered doing
a happy hour at the Taste of Athens?

I've literally never thought about work
the second after leaving work.

Or even while there, really.

I don't think you should work
there anymore.

Why? I'm a great waiter.

Yes.
It's weird how great of a waiter you are.

But you're a coach.
They want you back at Richmond.

You should go.

Thing is, it didn't really end
too well for me there.

I think a lot of that was my fault.
Well, it was all my fault.

Look, after this season,
I'll try and get another coaching job,

just not at Richmond, okay?

I will. I promise. I just... Yeah.

Yeah? You hungry? Do you want food?

Dunno. Can I have some nuts
while I think about it?

Right. Where are they?

Here's the genius behind the nuts, okay?

They make people thirsty. Yeah?

I'm giving away, what, five p on nuts
and taking in five quid on beer.

That's smart. Right?

Why am I the only person
thinking about this stuff?

You doing all right?

Yeah. Yeah, everything's fine.

Okay.

Come on. Out with it.

You heard from Dad?

No.

Haven't heard from that
human ball sack in ages.

You?

No, not since Wembley.

Thought I was finally rid of him, but...

...I always did what I did...

because fuck him, you know?

And now that I don't give a shit
about him, it's like...

You know when some guys
can't make their willies go hard?

You mean impotent?

Yeah. It's like I got that, but...

but it's like I got it in...

It's like I got it in my soul.

And here is the main attraction.
Jamie's room.

- Fucking hell.
- Yes.

Many posters have come and gone
over the years.

Henry, Gerrard, Ronaldo.

But Roy Kent always remains.

Meat pies are done. Excuse me.

Fucking hell.

Jamie...

your father, he is who he is.

And he is never, ever, ever gonna change.

And like it or not,

you've ended up being who you are
so that you can prove him wrong.

And you are amazing.

You are.

When you come on for England...

Jesus, Jamie, I wept.

I bawled me fucking eyes out.

And, yeah,
your dad will be in the stands tomorrow,

pissed out of his head,
rooting against you.

And it won't matter.

You don't have anything to prove
to that toerag.

You're not lost, my sexy little baby.

You're just not sure
which direction you're going in yet.

This is fucking weird.

There's a lot of weird to choose from.
Can you be more specific?

You and me...

sitting on Jamie Tartt's childhood bed...

being all fucking concerned
about him and shit.

Yeah. Good on us, Roy-o.

Thanks, bud.

You're welcome, pal.

I don't wanna be friends.

- You don't?
- Uh-uh.

I don't wanna be just friends.

Roy...

Well, guys,
I think we should probably get...

- You good to go?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Right.

- I love you.
- I love you.

- Good to see you.
- Good to see you too.

Right.

Hey, listen to me.

I don't care
if you lose by ten goals tomorrow.

I just want you to be happy. Okay, Son?

Okay. Love you, Mommy.

I love you.

- See you soon.
- See you soon. All right, come on.

- Off you go. Go home.
- All right. Bye.

It was great to meet you.

Bye.

- One for the road.
- This way, babe.

See you later. Love... Love you.

We should go and have cocktails.

...the latest in workout technology
like yoga mats!

Manchester has much to offer
when it comes to arts and culture,

including the Greater Manchester
Police Museum!

The rainy city is also known
as well for science and technology,

for it was right here in 1917

that
Ernest Rutherford first split the atom.

And you'll split your sides laughing
at Manchester's many comedy clubs

and improvised murder mystery
dinner theaters. And, of course

your trip wouldn't be complete
without heading to Etihad Stadium,

- home of the Manchester...
- Blue moon

You saw me standing alone

Without a dream in my heart

Without a love of my own

I said, blue moon
You saw me standing alone

Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own...

Richmond should have a classic old song
for our fans to sing.

We did. When Freddie Mercury
briefly owned the team in 1980,

he tried to make "Fat Bottomed Girls"
the team anthem.

- Didn't work out.
- Did a bunch of people get offended?

Just the flat-bottomed girls really.

Yeah.

My father went to art school
with Freddie Mercury.

What?

I mean, everyone always talks
about his amazing four-octave vocal range.

But my father always insisted

that if you actually asked Freddie
what his greatest talent was,

he would've said flipping straights.

- Come on, Richmond!
- You lads still have a way!

Hey! Hey!

Hey, thanks for saving us a seat.
How long have you been waiting?

Mae let me sleep here last night.

- How many beers do you want?
- Three, Mae.

How many beers do you want
if you can't order again before halftime?

- Twelve.
- Twelve.

Welcome, everyone. Today,
Manchester City hosts AFC Richmond.

A first-ever win at the Etihad Stadium
for the Greyhounds, however unlikely,

leaves the door open next week
for Ted Lasso's men

to complete the Cinderella story
their fans have been dreaming of.

There he is. Look at him.

The City faithful
are letting Jamie Tartt know

how they feel about their former player
who left them for reality television.

Welcome home, dickhead!

Perhaps not the homecoming
he might have dreamt of.

Oh, boy.

Come on, Son. That's it, that's it.
Fucking bastards.

City can clinch the title
with a win today.

A loss makes things
very interesting next week.

We find out in 90 minutes that starts now.

Clattered!

Tartt can expect a lot of that today.

Here are some complimentary nuts.
And I'll be back to get your drinks. Okay?

Physical play from City
as Tartt pushes Richmond forward.

- Tartt has options.
- Colin's open.

A nifty move finds Bumbercatch.

The Swiss crosses to the far post. Hughes!

- The match has barely begun...
- Yes.

...and the Welshman fires the Greyhounds
into the lead with a commanding header.

There we go.

That goal was all down to Tartt.
He's seeing two passes ahead.

Brilliant play indeed
from the unsinkable Jamie Tartt.

Colin Hughes with the exclamation point,
and Richmond leads 1-nil.

Yes!

Leslie, what you doing?

I'll celebrate
when the final whistle has blown.

I don't wanna move and jinx it.

Okay.

With the great Pep Guardiola
at the controls,

rest assured,
City won't be quaking in their boots.

What's this sharp-dressed son of a gun
got cookin' now, huh?

Go.

We know Pep will make
the right adjustments. He always does.

Hold on tight.

All right! Here we go!

Halftime approaches, and the
Premier League title remains undecided.

Jamie Tartt's hometown fans
are still letting him have it.

City continuing to target
Richmond's number nine.

Case in point,
as Tartt is knocked off the ball.

And here comes City.

De Villardi shoots!
Van Damme makes a terrific save.

City making Tartt fight
for every inch out there.

Piss off back down South, pretty boy!

Tough crowd, Jamie Tartt. Tough crowd.

We're in the 65th minute.

And since Richmond's early goal,
it's been one-way traffic.

City asking plenty of questions,
but so far Richmond are not listening.

Oh, a sliver of space for De Villardi.

Is this the equalizer?

No! A swashbuckling save
by the masked Canadian.

Van damn he's been good today!

Come on!

Yeah!

Nearing the 80-minute mark,

Richmond are defending
their one-goal lead.

Ndour takes the corner.

Van Damme races off his line to punch,
but it finds Elokobi.

De Villardi has an open goal.

- Jamie Tartt soars to clear the danger!
- Yes, Jamie!

Yes, Jamie!

Oh, no. It looks like Tartt
is in quite a bit of pain.

It's his ankle, Arlo.

- He landed on it wrong.
- Get up, you soft prick!

Come on.

Is he okay?

Let's go.

Roberts! Get warm.

- I'm good, good. Go, bro. Go, go.
- You good?

Now, hold on. He's up,
he's up, he's up. Okay.

It appears he'll give it a go.

Good news for Richmond, who
can ill afford to play without their star.

Not with this much at stake.

We may have spoken too soon, Chris.

Tartt tried to soldier on, but now he's in
some distress and may require attention.

Oh, my God.

Up you go.

Get you on the walk.

Fudge.

- We're finished. We're done.
- Come on.

- We're done.
- Come on, James.

Roberts! You're going in.

Whoa, hold on, hold on. Hey, hey,

hey, don't hop out there
quite yet, Tan, okay?

- Coach, we're a man down.
- I know, Coach. Just give me one second.

Hey, Jamie, are you sure
you can't get back out there?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

No.

- Hey, Coach!
- Yeah.

You wanna play with ten men?

Heck yeah! Right?

We're just gonna wait and see, okay?

And we'll check in on you, all right?

You two, do me a favor. Heal him.
Use all your tricks, please.

Okay. Yeah.
We're gonna give him a couple minutes.

- He's gonna be fine. Here we go. Come on!
- Ted Lasso elects to wait,

leaving ten Greyhounds
against City's mighty 11.

City looking for the equalizer.

And Orellano shoots.
Van Damme is there! And there again!

And again!

There's just no penetrating
the mask of Van Damme!

With his team facing relentless pressure,

Ted Lasso is gambling with each

- passing second he plays with a man down.
- I'm gonna need a word, Nate.

- In my office, yeah?
- Yeah.

I love gambling. Makes me feel alive.

You should probably talk
to somebody about that, Chris.

Hello, mate. Come in. Take a seat.

Here we go.

Am I getting promoted?

Nate, I gotta let you go.

- Was it 'cause I was watching telly?
- No.

I'm not pushing desserts hard enough?

No, no, no. It's nothing you've done.

You're my top man. You're on time,
you don't steal, you're sober.

You're like my little unicorn.
You know what I mean?

And it breaks my heart to say this,
but Jade said if I didn't fire you,

she was gonna report me to the...

Well, I can't say who,
because then you'd know what I've done.

But my hands are tied. You gotta go.

Yeah.

Yeah!

Chris,
Richmond aren't playing with a keeper.

They've got a brick wall
in front of the goal.

No, Arlo, that's a person.
I can see his arms and legs.

And his hideous mask.

It seems like it's only
a matter of time before City equalize.

That's all they need
to clinch the league title today.

Hey, Coach,
I don't want Jamie to play hurt.

But we gotta make a decision here.

Personally,
I'm fine with him playing hurt.

I played hurt all the time.

You can't walk up stairs.

Okay. Let me go check, all right?

Thanks, y'all. Thank you.

What you looking for up there, Jamie?

Looking for my dad. I can't find him.
It's freaking me the fuck out.

Yeah, I get that.

It's like when you don't know
where Freddy Krueger is.

'Cause you know it's the second
he's gonna pop up

and stick that knife-hand of his
in your face.

Yeah, Freddy Krueger's fucking terrifying.

Yeah, well, he had a rough childhood.

And as we all know,
hurt people hurt people.

Sometimes they just do it
with their knife-hands.

When's the last time you saw your dad?

Wembley.

Y'all talk since then?

Nope.

Okay. If you could talk to him now,
what would you say?

I'd say, "Fuck you."

Yeah. Makes sense.

- Anything else?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'd say, "Thank you."

You know, Jamie, if hating your Pops
ain't motivating you like it used to,

it might be time
to try something different.

Just forgive him.

Fuck no. I ain't giving him that.

No. You ain't giving him anything.

When you choose to do that,
you're giving that to yourself.

- Come on.
- Okay.

How do you feel?

- Yeah. Yeah, I feel good, Coach. Yeah.
- Yeah. See, the talk helped, right?

Mostly the painkillers and the adrenaline,
I think. But...

But yeah, the talk helped, yeah.

Good. Now get your buns out there.
Let's go.

Okay, okay.

Come on.

Here we fucking go. Come on, Jamie!

Jamie Tartt
with a dramatic return to play.

And he makes sure
he lets the City fans know all about it.

That's it, baby! You fucking show 'em!

Hey, come on, come on, come on.

Jamie Tartt, do, do, do, do, do, do

Jamie Tartt
Do, do, do, do, do, do

Richmond have their backs
against the wall. It's De Villardi again.

But Van Damme collects comfortably.

And the Canadian, wasting no time,
finds McAdoo. And Richmond are off!

Oh, that's astonishing control from Tartt!

Ooh! Ooh!

What's happening? Thank you.

Tartt cuts inside.

And again.

Oh, he's untouchable!

- Go, Jamie!
- Yes! Yeah!

And Jamie Tartt
all but clinches the win for Richmond

- with a spectacular solo goal!
- My goodness! Did you see that?

Yes, Jamie!

And a class move
from the native Mancunian,

not to celebrate against his former club.

And Richmond with a late substitution.

Attaboy, Jamie!

Well done.

Jamie Tartt, you fucking king!

Tartt makes way.

And listen to this response
from the City supporters,

an ovation for a visiting player
who was also one of their own.

- You don't hear this every day.
- Come on.

Just think of what it means
for Tartt to hear this.

- And what it means for his family.
- Yes. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

- Fucking beautiful.
- That was amazing.

Jamie.

He's a tough kid.

His dad would have been proud.

Credit where it's due.

Lasso rolled the dice on Tartt's fitness
and the team's talisman

rose to the occasion.

With time running out,
City try and cross into the box.

But again, Van Damme is there.

And after
that sterling performance from Richmond,

the Premier League title will come down
to the final week of the season.

Chris, they could win
the whole effing thing!

Sorry for
the almost brutal language there, folks.

It's that time. Holy crap.

- Good game. Congratulations.
- Thanks, Coach. I appreciate it.

Hey, I gotta be honest with you.
You're a tough guy to beat, man.

Nah, don't worry about wins or losses.

Just help these guys be the best version
of themselves on and off the pitch.

This, at the end,
is the most important thing.

I couldn't agree more, Coach.

All right, then. Take care.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Boss. Hey, it's good to see you.
- Good to see you too.

- All right, lads. Listen up.
- All right. Yo, what's up?

We've got one more game, so that means

a glass of water with every single
alcoholic beverage tonight, all right?

- We rolling?
- No, no. I've gotta get this sorted out.

But you have fun with your water, yeah?

- There's my lad. Do you proud.
- Nice.

- Yeah, you bet, bruv. All right, love.
- Hey, take care, bruv.

- Love.
- That's what I like, man.

- Be good. Be good.
- Rest up, man.

Hey, listen, man.
I wanna say I'm proud of you.

- You played so well today, man.
- Appreciate it, man.

- You scored a goal. Come on. Hey.
- Thanks, Jamie.

Get better soon, hermano.
Well done tonight.

Thank you, man. Big love, amigo.

All right, buddy.

I will see you at karaoke.

I will of course sign us up
for "Islands in the Stream."

But I'm calling dibs on Dolly.

No can do, Coach.

Mom's cooking dinner tonight.
Last night in town.

All right. Well, give Dottie my love.

Will do. Actually, hold on a sec, Coach.
Come here. Check this out.

No, no. I know you've already seen it.

I just don't know if you've watched
the whole thing. Look. Look, look.

All right.

So look. After we came in,

Nate had to hide under my desk here
for, like, three whole hours

while we were all whooping and hollering
and celebrating all around him.

Then, once we all split,
he thought he was in the clear.

And boom! Cleaning crew shows up.

Oh, man. That's another two hours
under that desk. Yep.

Well, then after they leave,
he crawls out.

His legs just gotta be jelly.
He can barely stand up.

Look at this. He goes to check the doors,
but they're all locked!

Oh, man, that son of a gun

had to climb out the window here
just to get out of the building.

You know, I don't know about you, Coach.

But I hope that either all of us
or none of us are judged

by the actions of our weakest moments,

but rather by the strength we show

when and if we're ever given
a second chance.

All right, have fun tonight, Coach.

And we rely on each other, ah ha

Fuck.

- Hi.
- Hey. What are you guys doing?

We thought we'd come and keep you company.

- Fucking celebrate.
- Yeah!

'Cause that was fucking amazing, Jamie.

Yeah, I was fucking amazing. You're right.

Yes.

- You start us off.
- Don't mind if I do.

Right. What the fuck happened, man?

Did I look sexy?

Shame you weren't injured
in your fucking head, innit?

I'm back.

Hey, babe. You all right?

Someone never came for their pickup order.

Thank you. Great.

So, I don't know if you heard,
but Derek fired me today.

That bastard!

Yeah. I was devastated.

But it made me realize that even though
there's only one match left,

I have to go back to Richmond.
To make things right.

Currently writing Ted an apology letter.

It's 60 pages, but I'm just looking
for a few trims, so...

Two secs.

Sixty pages.

Oh, my God.

You here to kill me?

Ted and I met playing college football.

He was the backup punter.
I was the backup kicker.

We never got in a game,

but we spent a lot of time together,
jogging and doing box jumps.

After school, we went our separate ways.

And he was dating Michelle,
got into coaching.

And I got into prison.

When I got paroled...

I had no money, family didn't want me.
I had nowhere to go.

So I looked up Ted.

He took me in, fed me.

Let me crash on his couch.

And in return, I stole his car.

Now, I didn't get far.

And I would've gone straight back
to prison if Ted didn't come down there

and convince those cops
that he gave me the car.

Just like in Les Mis.

Our story is very similar to Les Mis, yes.

- You went to prison?
- Yes.

For stealing a loaf of meth.

And then I stole from my friend.

Who forgave me.

And gave me a job. And a life.

So to honor that, I forgive you.

I offer you a job.
And the life part's up to you.

Thank you.

You sure you don't wanna headbutt me?
I think it might make us feel better.

Monday, 10:00 a.m.

- Hello?
- Welcome home, honey.

- Come take a seat, you must be starving.
- Yeah, okay.

Hey, congratulations on your big win.

I didn't know if you'd be in the mood
for meat loaf or lasagna, so I made both.

- Mom, what's wrong? Why are you here?
- What do you mean?

I mean, if you got something
you need to say to me,

I'd appreciate it
if you just went ahead and said it.

Oh, stop. I just want to spend
my last night in London with my son

and make sure everything's all right.

Yeah, okay.

Well, thank you for cooking dinner.
Both of 'em.

Oh, you're welcome.

- And fuck you for not wanting to talk.
- Excuse me?

Thank you for flying all the way here
to come see me,

and fuck you for not telling me
you were coming.

Thank you for all the small, silly, little
things you did for me as a kid, you know?

Like hiding notes in my lunch box

or putting googly eyes on the fruit
at the supermarket just to make me laugh.

And fuck you for not working on yourself

or seeking help after we lost dad.

And for not talking to me about it either.

Just glossing over the whole thing
and acting like everything was all right.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know what to do, Ted.

So, I pretended I was okay.

Okay. Well, thank you for the apology.

And fuck you for making me think
I had to pretend too.

All right.
I appreciate you sharing all this with me.

I just wish you hadn't carried it around
for so long.

Yeah, okay.

And you're right, Ted,
I do have something to say to you.

Your son misses you.

Yeah, I know.

I miss him too.

It's just like I...

It's like I'm scared sometimes to, like...

To get close to that little boy.

Oh, honey, why?

'Cause I know he's gonna leave.

Oh, well...

God. No, no, no, no. You know...

All right.
That is the thing about being a parent.

Sometimes you lose and

sometimes you win,
but most of the time you just tie.

All we can do is keep playing.

Right.

Thank you.

Fuck you.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm sorry about that. I...

You know what?
Let me make it up to you, okay?

Why don't you take a seat?
And I'll serve you dinner for once, okay?

- What? Okay.
- Come on now, pop a squat. Go on.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey. You know, this therapist
must be doing you some good.

Oh, boy.

I'm gonna leave her out of this.

Oh, wait till she hears about this. Okay.
You know what? Let's start with the wine.

Let's do, please.

- Bex.
- Hi.

Sorry to just show up like this.
I need some advice.

- Okay.
- Can we come in?

We?

Of course.

Morning, Will.

Hey. Good morning, Ted.

- Hey, Boss.
- Hello, Ted.

Do you know this John Wooden?

No, ma'am.
Never had the chance to meet him.

Oh, pity. I like this.

I mean, if you don't like that,
you don't like ice cream.

What's up?

- Do you know what time it is?
- 9:30.

Or half nine as you folks say over here
for some goofy-ass reason.

- That's just to annoy Americans.
- Yeah.

No, this is that time of year when I come
down here and reveal something to you.

Oh, snap. That's right. Okay.

Well, here we go.

You know what?
Maybe I should guess this year.

No, no, no, that's silly. Yeah.

No, you just go ahead and tell me.
Go on, let 'er rip.

I've got nothing.

I really tried as well.
I mean, even on the walk over here,

I was thinking something would pop
into my head, but nope.

Absolutely nothing. Sorry, Ted.

No truth bomb this year.

Well, that's okay.

I got one.