Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - The Dong and the Gong - full transcript
The guests have to put the 'heaviest' item they can find into a shoe box, along with other nonsensical tasks. Al Murray's Morse code knowledge lets him down.
Hello there. I'm Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.
Five of the nation's most
competitive comedians
are going head to head in hope
of winning my head
in all its golden glory.
AUDIENCE: Oooh!
Yes, at the end of all
five episodes,
one of them will be awarded
the Taskmaster trophy
and that person's career
will at last take off.
Let's meet our contestants.
They are Al Murray,
Dave Gorman,
Paul Chowdhry,
Rob Beckett
and Sara Pascoe.
And next to me on his
slightly smaller throne
is Alex Horne, but...
Who is Alex Horne?
Well, you've given me some notes
and according to your notes
that you've written,
I'm your official secretary.
I have some skills and
an equal number of weaknesses.
For example, I steal things.
So, that's my resume that you wrote.
Oh, that's true, isn't it?
Have you ever stolen anything? Yes.
What? I've stolen a car.
No, in real life.
I stole a car.
Yeah, last year.
Oh, recently, as well. Yeah.
So it wasn't like childish hijinks?
No, it was unlocked and
the keys were in the ignition
and I stole a car.
On with the show.
Today's prize category.
What have these people
brought in for me?
OK, it's quite a niche one,
this time.
The five rivals have been asked
to bring in the heaviest item
that can fit in a shoebox.
OK, so whoever brings in
the heaviest item
that can fit in a shoebox,
they'll win the first maximum
points of the show.
Whoever wins the episode will win
five shoeboxes full of heavy items.
All to play for. Where to start?
Paul. Hello. How are you doing, man?
LAUGHTER
I'm doing better now.
What heavy item did you bring
and why am I going to give you
all the points for it?
Because it's heavy.
Really? What is it?
Melon, innit.
APPLAUSE
A lot of melon.
It is a lot of melon.
It's a watermelon.
Is melon something traditionally
associated with heavy weight?
I think...
I think of words that I would pop
before weight to emphasise...
I just love melons. ..the heaviness.
I'd say lead, maybe.
Lead. Melon.
Melon.
Who should we have a look at next?
Dave.
Yeah, I brought a lump of marble
that I dug out of my garden.
GREG WHISTLES
SARA: That looks heavy.
You've got a garden full of marble,
yeah?
We had a garden that was massively
overgrown when we moved in
and we had to clear at all.
And I think it was a collapsed
bird table or something.
It would have been nice
if you could have taken the time
to scrub that bird shit off it.
Al, what did Al bring us?
I brought Alan Bullock's
classic history
Hitler and Stalin - Parallel Lives.
Because that is really,
really heavy.
Look at it there.
APPLAUSE
Wow. It's pretty offensive,
but why have you censored out
the shoebox instead?
The shoebox has got its own
Hitler moustache.
Suddenly, melon seems fine,
doesn't it?
Sara, what did you bring in?
I have brought a poisonous snake.
It's very heavy so the lid is shut.
OK. And it's very poisonous.
Have we weighed the snake?
Well, no, I wasn't allowed
to approach the box.
I was told I needed to be a handler.
I mean, I haven't weighed it.
I think it's about...
How much was the marble?
27kg.
I think this is about 32.
Well, it's up to you, isn't it?
Well, if it hasn't been weighed
then it's null and void, right?
Well, she said it's 32.
Yeah, it's just about whether
you trust me or not.
Oh, I don't.
Rob. Oh, yeah,
I've got some concrete.
Oh, yeah?
There we are.
I tell you, that cat
would not leave me alone.
So, that's it, isn't it?
Rob's from south-east London.
Bish, bash, bosh.
Fill it full of concrete. Done.
OK, good luck with this.
Shall I go in last place?
You're putting yourself
in last place?
Yeah. Words.
They're very tricky, aren't they?
I'm going to put Sara because I've
not been able to weigh her snake.
OK. No. I'm sorry.
No, don't apologise.
In fourth place, I...
Guess what?
I'm putting Paul Chowdhry
for putting some
fucking melon in the box.
Whilst I appreciate Al's cunning,
I'm going to put Al in third place.
Aww!
Because there's not enough history
to that definition of heavy.
What? That'll do.
Number one is Dave. He brought
the heaviest thing in. Bam.
OK, on with the next task.
Please, Alex. Here we go.
Hold on to your hats,
or put your hats away.
Here it is.
Right.
What have we here?
Is it going to pop out?
That was out of order, man.
Scary clown.
Do you want to see
his horrible face?
It's like Saw, innit?
Tonight, we're going to play a game.
Little things are more fun,
aren't they?
"Surprise Alex..."
"Surprise Alex when he emerges from
his shed in one hour."
"Your time starts now."
Could I move the shed?
Oh, that was what this is
a metaphor for.
Like, it's a surprise.
How far away do his family live?
Go and kidnap his children
from school.
He comes out the shed
and there they are.
That would surprise him,
wouldn't it?
Are his kids in school?
What if we kidnapped his kids
and tied them to a chair
outside the shed?
I mean, that would surprise him.
APPLAUSE
The first thing we should address
is Al and Sara.
I would argue that if Alex
came out of his shed
and his children were just there,
that would be quite a surprise.
And yet both of you wanted to take
them against their will.
Didn't you suggest tying them up
as well, Sara?
Because kids wriggle around.
They do.
You have to keep them in place.
Do you know who I want to see first?
Yes, I do. Paul Chowdhry.
Yeah!
We can do that.
Let's see how Paul's mind works.
TICKING
OK.
I feel like there's something...
Waaargh!
That's horrible.
Blood on the thing.
Yeah, that's good.
That's good. That's horrendous.
APPLAUSE
Brown Clown. Brown Clown.
Is that what you're called?
Well, thank you for that,
Brown Clown.
Very good. Very good.
That's Paul debuting his new
children's character,
Brown Clown.
Given that Alex
had sort of set the task
and we'd put a clown in a box...
Like a human one, innit?
I mean, yeah.
Sure, I knew that was you.
You weren't going to get a brown
clown in that small box,
so I thought if I did
the real thing...
You were pretty surprised, innit?
I mean, I was quite surprised.
I'd been in there for an hour.
This is what I do.
I go in there,
I do my secretarial duties.
I knitted you some little booties.
Oh, thanks. Yeah, a couple of them.
They're nice, thank you.
And I came out and I saw the box.
And I was surprised to see the box,
but I did think,
"There's probably a clown
in the box." Yeah.
If there was a surprise-o-meter,
how high would it have gone?
That's a massive if.
LAUGHTER
Big if, isn't it?
About that high. About that high.
I want to know how long
you were in the box
hiding as the brown clown for.
About 45 minutes. About 45 minutes.
Shall we move on to Sara?
I mean, honestly,
I want to stay here all night.
Oh...
I love you, Paul.
Yeah, let's move on to Sara. OK.
I mean, presumably someone's
going to get hurt.
Yeah, someone did.
THEY SCREAM
Yeah.
I guess I should be concerned.
Are you all right, Joel?
Are you tickly?
Shall I untie you? Can you hear me?
This is horrible.
APPLAUSE
When I... When I set the task
and after you all completed them...
I don't get many details,
but I did ask Alex which ones
he thought were surprising
and he said...
This is a direct quote, he said,
"For the smallest part of a second,
"I did think maybe Sara
had killed someone."
That's how competitive I am.
Never do a surprise
birthday party, please.
For the kids.
Do you want to see your cake?
Surprise!
Oh, it's the head of a rabbit.
What about the surprise-o-meter?
I mean, I don't quite know what
shape this surpriseometer is.
It's the surprise-o-METER.
Oh, sorry.
Well, I guess on
the surprise-o-meter,
it's about the same as the clown.
OK. It was a valiant
and disturbing effort.
Who's next? Al's. OK.
Let's have a look at Al's.
Here is Al Murray's attempt.
TICKING
ALARM RINGS
HORN HONKS
GONG CRASHES
HORNS REVERBERATE
I think that was more surprising
than that,
but that's really surprising.
The gong? I mean, that's a...
What, this? That's...
You've not seen it before.
Lovely physique, but that...
Look at that.
I mean, the dong and the gong.
HORN TOOTS
How many horns? Four.
Yeah. You're a four-horn surprise.
APPLAUSE
SARA: Amazing!
We didn't provide that gong for Al.
No, Al has a slight advantage of
living near the Taskmaster house,
so he could source a gong
within an hour.
I play drums on the side and I knew
there was a gong rental place...
..up the road.
Al, I thought it was phenomenal
and awful.
OK. The surprise-o-meter?
It was... I mean, genuinely,
it was the most surprising because
it was deafening and...
Most surprising so far.
OK, time for a break.
How will Dave and Rob surprise Alex
when he comes out of his shed?
Find out in part two.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where one of our lucky comedians
will be heading home
with a block of concrete,
a lump of marble
and some rotting watermelon.
Alex, how is the last task going?
It's going OK. It's often been more
disturbing than surprising,
but there's two more to see.
We're going to see Rob Beckett,
but first Mr Dave Gorman.
Here we go.
TICKING
Is there a Gorman?
Oh, is there two parts? Is it...?
Oh, OK. I like this.
OK. It says, "Dear Alex,
please press the blue button."
Waaargh! Oh!
Good. Good, good.
Why has he got that there?
Is he actually naked?
I said boxers and he misunderstood.
That's the best one.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Very nice. My first question is, how
come you get to keep your clothes on
and the camera crew don't?
I make the rules.
It's my... It's my go.
And also, I'm going to surprise him
by not being there,
so the idea of
surprising him by not being there
but being naked
doesn't really stack up.
Checks out. Are you buying that?
I'm buying that.
He did also buy them.
You paid them a certain amount of
money to take their clothes off.
Yeah, I...
Is that right?
It's about 200 quid, I think.
200 quid each?!
No, between them. Between them.
Between them.
Right. I don't know how
they divvied it up,
but there was 200 quid on the table.
Is that like low-rent prostitution?
Were you surprised?
Yeah, I mean, the surprise was over
a longer period of time,
so it wasn't as immediate
as the air horns.
Right. Or the dead body.
And then we have the clown. So...
Yeah, I was surprised.
OK, let's see how Rob did.
Let's see if he was surprising.
Alex, you've been a bad boy.
ROB CHORTLES
Surprise!
There's quite a lot going on there.
Quite a lot.
Are you surprised?
Quite surprising, yeah.
Quite surprising.
Thank you, Rob. Sorry.
Thank you for that.
I'm sorry, are you all right?
Are you wet?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, I mean, incredible, right?
He was reasonably caring.
After he did it, he said,
"Are you wet?" which is nice.
When you are cackling dressed
as a nan on that sofa,
I thought I saw your teeth
visibly growing,
you were so pleased with yourself.
I do get really excited.
I mean, it's just mad.
Where did the nan thing come from?
Basically,
when we were filming that,
like I'd had a kid the week before
and had about ten hours' sleep,
and I think I'd gone mad.
I think it was like
the beginning of a breakdown.
We've got our winner. There he is.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Instinct tells me possibly
number two,
all those hours down the gym
have paid off for Al Murray.
It was the barrage on the senses
in general that was impressive,
and then it was the noise.
How many air horns?
Four? Four. Yeah.
Second place, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's not say Paul's
definitely last,
but I'll pop Clown in just for now.
I'm going to put Dave ahead of Sara,
purely because he used bribery,
nakedness...there's a hint of sexual
exploitation in there.
And then he jumped out of a bush
and said "Boo", so...
Fine. Done. There it is, it's done,
ladies and gentlemen.
Right. Let's find out how they're
doing at this stage.
Well, after two rounds,
we have an early leader
and that is Mr Rob Beckett.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
The nan jet wash cliche
pays dividends.
Fantastic. There's have
another task, please, Alex.
OK, this one is the first team task
of the series.
Oh!
Hello. Hello. There's a gonk.
Pardon? A gonk?
What do you call him?
A troll. Oh.
Just different generations.
Hello.
Hello. How you doing?
Does one of you want to...? Paul.
"Your time starts now."
Oh! What is the question? What?!
Nothing! Taskmaster?
Your time starts now?
Time starts now.
"Your time starts now."
That's all it says.
Care to explain?
There's a message in a bottle. Oh.
Is that relevant?
"Dear blank with love."
OK, it's not that, then.
No.
Have you got a task in your hand
or anything?
What are you doing? Oh!
There we go.
Oh! He's tied up.
Ah. That's locked with
a combination on it.
Might be something in there.
Can you pick it?
Pens.
Perhaps there's something written
on that in UV.
"Release Alex, fastest wins."
Right. OK, so a key is needed,
I guess.
Yeah. Which is in here.
APPLAUSE
My first question is,
have you to ever met
each other's parents?
Because you're clearly brother
and sister.
I sometimes get people who are
trying to be horrible to me
on the internet saying
that I'm just you in a wig.
But I don't take it as an insult.
We've just seen that!
I don't take it as an insult.
Well, that's your future
with the jet wash.
That's me.
That's me in my 70s.
Oh, Nan.
Really good. So, Paul, you can
pick any lock, right?
Any lock. Any lock.
Did you successfully pick that lock?
Didn't pick that one, but... Ah.
Shall we start with the siblings?
The siblings!
So, let's see
the sinister Aryan twins.
Mummy says we're good at puzzles.
So, what would you use?
Would you use a biro?
I've never busted someone
out of jail.
Let's bend him over the table.
Put a torch on.
Oops.
You're making it slightly tighter.
Well, that's not my problem, is it?
They are very tight now,
aren't they? They really are.
I've really tightened them.
Oh, there's a secret message, maybe.
SHE GASPS
"Release Alex fastest wins."
Well, where's the clue?
"Look on the phone." What?
Where's the phone?
Look on the phone.
Why's there spunk on your phone,
Alex?
How long have you been locked up,
you dirty bastard?
"Look on the phone."
Pictures of phones.
Oh.
Oh! 911 to get in
this little bastard.
Oh, we need to do the puzzle. Yeah.
That's a joke.
I've never done a speedy puzzle
before and I think I'm enjoying it.
There's a message on the back.
Hey! Not a pussy, mate.
Rob! Rob Beckett!
Now we're doing it the harder way.
Yeah.
OK. OK.
What does it say? "Karma."
"Karma, by Gregory Davies."
Here we go. So it's page 72.
Page 72, word 14.
Word 14, on this page.
12, 13, 14. "Shedding." Shedding.
In the shed? One... Oh. Yeah.
It's open.
There's a cracker.
I've got the stuff in here.
Is there stuff in there?
Peas again.
"Look behind the picture."
This picture?
No. Oh, there's loads
of pictures here.
You go and look on all the pictures.
Oh, it's not on his hand, is it?
Oh, you fucking arsehole.
I nearly looked in there.
You kept it... What happened?
It's in his hand.
What, the picture was in his hand?
No, the... What, the key?
Yeah! Stop the clock.
Oh, I see!
APPLAUSE
Two blonde kids having fun together.
Two Aryan twins solving problems.
Yeah. Couple of Nazi kids
freeing a prisoner.
We have to stop for a break now.
Come back and see if Dave
and Al and Paul
tackle the task in a faster time.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Welcome back. There are five
shoeboxes up for grabs tonight
and one of them might
contain a dead snake.
Am I right in thinking we were
partway through a task?
You're always right in thinking,
Greg.
We are about to see if
the beards can prove that
the three heads are better than two.
Here we go.
You might have a key on you. No.
Maybe there are some numbers in...
There's got to be numbers
in the room that tell us the...
You know, Karma Test.
Gregor Davies.
There's 268 pages in this book.
Try 268. I mean,
it's not going to be 268.
That might be a number available
to us.
The barometer.
Pens...
There's a penny here.
String. Is it on here?
Look on the phone.
Look on the phone.
On the phone.
I mean, all the numbers are here.
That's the nature of phones.
Which one has four on?
So, it's nine, nine, seven...
There's probably another phone.
That's maybe where we're making
our hideous blunder.
There's got to be
another phone somewhere.
There's got to be another
phone somewhere.
It's a good lock, this.
Ah. Greg's holding a phone
in that picture.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, there you go.
911. 911.
We are a trio of dickheads.
There you go.
Oh, for God's sake.
The letter is on the upside.
The lettering is on the upside down.
Page. It's going to be
turn to page...
So we're looking for a number.
There's a two.
The Gregor Davies book.
So it's the Taskmaster book.
Page 72, word 34.
31, 32, 33, 34.
"Was." That can't be right.
Oh, 14.
One, two, three, four, five, 13...
"Shedding." Shed.
Oh... "Look behind a picture."
Behind the picture.
Behind Greg's picture?
Could be.
Oh!
Anything on there?
Where's the...?
Ah, there's a photograph of a key.
It's in... It's in his hands.
Ah, thanks, Al.
Thanks, Dave. Thanks, Paul.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Three great minds...
..or a trio of dickheads.
Paul's one of the great criminal
minds of our time, isn't he?
I believe you were still picking
the lock for...
It's only because he thought
there was some melon in it.
He wouldn't have been able to lift
it if there was melon in it.
That's why there was three of them.
You gave...
They had two people, we had...
I had these two distracting me.
If you had done that task
on your own,
you'd still be there trying
to pick that lock.
I would have got it sooner or later,
though.
And I'll tell you this,
I'd watch that that television.
Incredible. Well, I don't think
there's going to be a big surprise
about who's won, but...
Well, this team, the beards,
their overall time was 27 minutes
and 37 seconds.
That's all right.
Nearly half an hour.
You probably knew that.
Sara and Rob took 16 minutes
and 46 seconds.
So, moving on.
Hey, Alex, do you have something
quick we could see?
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Okey dokey.
"Create the best upside-down
self-portrait
"using only the materials supplied."
I don't understand
the upside-downness.
"The taskmaster will
judge the picture
"when it has been rotated
180 degrees."
So, it's going upside down on here.
Right, OK, I get that.
No, you don't have to be
upside down. What?
The picture does,
but you can be the right way up.
Right, OK. Right.
I'm with you now. OK.
"You have 20 minutes."
"Your time starts now."
Well, it's pretty straightforward.
A task you're excited by?
I really got into it.
I really enjoyed it,
and felt a moment of
creative expression
that I haven't felt a long time.
He wasn't in his pants again,
was he?
Upside down.
Four air horns out. "Meeep!"
Four. Four.
Do you want to see Al really
getting into it? Do I? OK.
We can see them all having a go.
What is this? Ketchup. Ketchup?
That looks a lot like mustard
and ketchup and brown sauce.
What's this? Red.
This isn't brown sauce, is it?
It's brown sauce.
What's that? White.
Squirty cream?
They're not paints, they're sauces!
What's this? Green.
Burger sauce. Mustard.
Okey dokey, then.
Oh, cheap, vinegary shit, that.
If anyone touches this with their
hands, they're gross.
All right. I think this is an
exciting time for art right now.
Isn't it?
I'm an artist. I'm a proper artist.
Look at it. It's dripping out.
Look, the squirt isn't as good.
Condiments have never been
my medium.
I've run out of brown.
You should have provided me with
more brown. You know this.
This is racist. You gave me loads
of white and I'm brown.
Done.
Didn't expect there to be
any racial tension...
..during an exercise of spraying
condiments against a brick wall.
They had an unfair advantage,
all of them,
because there was
loads of white spray.
There was not enough brown sauce.
Well, there was brown sauce.
There was more white, though, innit?
Well...
Was their more white?
No. It was cream.
You always come up with
these excuses.
What, "you people"?
Do you want to see
all five portraits?
Yes. So, you've just got to judge
which one's best, which one's worse,
and then also second
and fourth and also third. So...
I can do it in that order,
if you like. OK.
Do you want to start with best?
Mine ran because the wall was wet.
And yet, to scale.
APPLAUSE
I love them. So, Sara's is
the only full-length one.
She's not done her face
and her hair is going up.
I was doing a handstand
in the picture.
So that way I could paint it
the right way up
as how I do a handstand.
I genuinely presume
that's what you're doing.
I thought, "Yeah,
that's a handstand portrait." Yeah.
You don't see many of them in
the National Portrait Gallery.
Not as many as there should be.
It's technically a portrait, right?
Yes.
A portrait is a painting, drawing,
photograph or engraving of a person,
especially one depicting...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm bored.
OK.
Who's your favourite?
Pick your favourite.
I think it's Al Murray's.
It was lovely, yeah.
Do you know why? No.
There's a sadness to those
condiment eyes.
Definitely. So, we've got first,
do you want to go second?
Yeah, I'm going to give it to Sara,
just for her creativity.
It's a handstand, bam, it's in.
Good, good.
Third, fourth, fifth.
I'm going to give third to Dave,
because that face
gives me an element of joy.
Because I think he's making
this noise -
beoow!
APPLAUSE
And I can't separate the madness
on the bottom,
so we'll put them in joint last
place, bam, done it.
OK, good.
What's happened to the scoreboard,
Alex?
We have a runaway leader so far.
Get out of town.
Leading the whole way through
so far is Mr Rob Beckett.
He's on 16 points. Whoa!
16!
Two tasks to go. What's next, Alex?
We have another task.
Hi, Al. Hi. Hi.
Is it in here? Yeah.
I don't like popping balloons.
You don't like popping balloons?
No. I'm going to...
BALLOON SQUEAKS
Very suspicious, Al.
They look like they're in Morse
code or something.
Really? The balloons, yeah. Four
dots, three dashes, or something.
I don't know.
Done. Oh, it's the...
Taking the piss, mate.
"Pop the balloons.
"Fastest wins."
"Your time starts when you pop
the next balloon.
Oh, good God!
Actually hadn't even noticed those!
Oh! Yeah, not ideal if I do
that approach, is it?
Pop all the balloons.
Time starts when I do my first one.
Right, OK. How am I supposed to pop
these balloons?
Look how long that took.
Probably lost this task.
Time's going to start, yeah.
Pop all of the balloons as quick
as you can, simple task.
So the time starts when you pop your
first balloon.
Now, these are intelligent people.
They're not just going to steam in
and just start popping the balloons.
No, no, because they can make
a plan, they can get something.
They're going to think about it.
Yeah.
Do you want to start
with David and Sara? Yeah.
Haven't even got keys in my pocket.
That's annoying. OK.
BALLOON SQUEAKS
It's a funny noise!
Oh, it's another funny noise.
All popped?
Yeah, they are all popped.
Thanks, Dave.
I mean, fascinating.
Medically fascinating.
So, Dave was...
I mean, it was particularly feral.
He used his beard at times. He just
sort of rammed.. One minute 50.
Do you know what I think about when
I think of Dave Gorman? Feral.
Yeah, one minute 50. Sub two.
Sara, also sub two - one minute 58.
Oh. Was that the slow-mo ones
you were doing?
LAUGHTER
OK, let's go to a logical brain.
Paul. Really?
OK. We can see Paul and Rob
together.
Let's. OK.
Could be a winner.
Is there a lighter anywhere?
This could pop some,
on the one hand.
It's quite dangerous, but...
..it's the old
knuckleduster trick, you know?
What if I get one in each hand?
Fastest wins. All right.
All right.
Shoryuken!
These balloons are bastards, mate.
They're bastards, innit?
Oh, one left!
Bastard.
It's a bit like watching
the evolution of humankind,
this show, really.
First we see the very basic primates
using their teeth.
And then they discover tools.
I've seen that in Mortal Kombat.
I got the reference.
No, that was Street Fighter 2.
Oh, I didn't get the reference.
And nice to see you're consistent
with your use of the word "bastard"
as well. Last episode,
you called a rabbit covered in
a Slush Puppie a bastard.
Now it's the turn of
the balloon community.
That was a snowman in the last one.
It wasn't a snowman, mate.
Good, though, really good. Rob?
Yeah, I started off with
a corkscrew and another corkscrew.
You can say two corkscrews.
I had two corkscrews,
but one corkscrew was better,
so I started off doing that,
but in the end I just went for
one-handed swipes
like a sort of angry cat.
Very impressive, but how impressive
was it time-wise?
Well, weirdly, Paul wasn't that much
quicker than the biters -
one minute 26.
Quite good, not that much.
Rob sort of treated them like wine
bottles, unscrewed them -
31.6 seconds. Oh, wow.
So, Al Murray's balloon frenzy
still to come.
Find out how he did in
about three minutes.
Plus, all five head to the stage
for the final task of the show.
Yes, they will. See you soon.
Hello, good to see you again.
It's the final part of the show,
and there's a live task
just around the corner.
But first we need to conclude
the task at hand.
Alex? Hi, Greg. So, the current task
involves popping balloons
as fast as possible.
The current time to beat is 31.6
seconds, achieved by Rob Beckett.
And we've just got Al to go.
You ready for Al? Yeah. OK.
Here he is.
No!
Damn you to hell!
Are they all going to fit, Al?
No, they're not all going to fit...
Right. ..but that doesn't mean
this isn't a good idea.
No, no, no.
What is the idea, Al?
To group the balloons together
into as small amount together
as possible,
and then commence popping them.
One big pop? To try to get them all
in one go, to narrow the time down.
But I can take as long as I like
over managing the time.
Yeah. So far, I've taken
no time over this,
even though we're taking
a long time over it. Yeah.
Trust me, this is the obvious way
to do it,
rather than running around
in a frenzied-idiot panic.
It's either this or the cricket bat.
Is it?
For England,
you know?
Just got to reorganise
these balloons.
Right.
Bollocks!
I'm stopping the clock there.
All gone?
Just making sure. I only lost...
Two balloons, was it?
Yeah, that's not bad.
Thanks, I enjoyed that. All right.
Thank you, Al.
We'll deal with this. Yeah, sure.
That's a really clever idea,
horrifically executed.
Obviously, the terrible news is that
there were two escaped balloons.
Yet to be popped.
They're probably popped by now,
but we can't verify it,
so it's not looking good for him.
He spent 34.6 seconds
smashing it with a cricket bat,
so he would have come in second.
Behind Rob's corkscrew. Exactly.
Right. Was there anything else
about his attempt?
I don't know if you remember at
the beginning of the task,
Al said something.
Do you want to have a look? Yeah.
They look like they're
in Morse code or something.
Really? The balloons, yeah.
Four dots, three dashes
or something, I don't know.
It does, doesn't it?
It does look a bit like Morse code.
So because he said that,
we had a look at it.
We checked it out.
Weirdly, it was... What?
It says this.
MORSE CODE BEEPS
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
The winner of that task,
Mr Rob Beckett.
OK, everyone, before we find out
who's going home
with five filled shoeboxes,
could you please head up
to the stage for the final task
of the show?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Could Paul read the task out,
please?
OK, Paul, that's for you.
Read it nice and clearly, Paul.
"Unravel a whole roll
of sticky tape.
"Put the unravelled sticky tape
in your lunchbox.
"Close your lunchbox.
"Fastest wins."
Fastest wins, you're right, Paul.
And, nicely, you did it in the tone
of voice of a sort of Batman film.
So, in your boxes you've got
sticky tape,
if you want to open your boxes.
All the sticky tape has to
come off the roll
and has to all go in the lunchbox,
and the lunchbox has to shut.
If you can stop looking for the end
of the tape, please.
Put the tape down, everybody!
Look up into the air.
Alex, blow your whistle. Go.
OK, everyone, go!
WHISTLE BLOWS
AUDIENCE SHOUTS ENCOURAGEMENT
I like that method.
Done!
Shut the box, shut the box!
It must shut.
Oh, that's stuck on your hand, that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get that off.
Yeah, that's done.
Yeah, we've got...
There's a lot on your hand.
There's a lot on your hand.
That's got to go in the box.
Oh, fuck off!
You've got to start again.
I'm done.
I didn't listen, did I?
Even Batman read it out,
you didn't listen.
Sara Pascoe!
APPLAUSE
OK, can you all come down and we'll
see how that's affected the scores?
Did that all go according to plan,
Alex?
For most of them.
Rob's still going. It's so tight.
You can pretend it's
someone else now, innit?
Do you want the scores, Greg?
I really do want the scores.
OK, well, I'm afraid Rob didn't
get any points for that.
He didn't complete the task.
Sara did it in one minute 46.
There was only two seconds
separating Paul and Dave.
Paul was two seconds
quicker than Dave.
Was he really?
Yeah, one minute 12.
But sub one minute,
Al Murray in 55 seconds.
An entire roll.
Thanks to his Commonwealth record
there with the Sellotape,
he's retained the series lead.
But the winner of this particular
episode is Mr Rob Beckett.
Rob Beckett!
APPLAUSE
Rob Beckett is the winner
of five luxury shoeboxes -
a prize that he told me in the break
he thought was rubbish.
Please go and retrieve your prizes.
Hey, thanks for today, Alex.
Hey, thanks for thanking me today,
Greg.
Thanks again, Alex. OK.
What have we learned today, then?
Well, what we've learned is,
if Alfred Hitchcock wanted to make
the end of Psycho really scary,
he should have shoved a jet washer
in that old woman's hands.
And of course, we've also learned
that against the odds,
our winner tonight is Rob Beckett!
Well done. Thanks, everybody.
Goodbye.
Subtitles by Ericsson
and this is Taskmaster.
Five of the nation's most
competitive comedians
are going head to head in hope
of winning my head
in all its golden glory.
AUDIENCE: Oooh!
Yes, at the end of all
five episodes,
one of them will be awarded
the Taskmaster trophy
and that person's career
will at last take off.
Let's meet our contestants.
They are Al Murray,
Dave Gorman,
Paul Chowdhry,
Rob Beckett
and Sara Pascoe.
And next to me on his
slightly smaller throne
is Alex Horne, but...
Who is Alex Horne?
Well, you've given me some notes
and according to your notes
that you've written,
I'm your official secretary.
I have some skills and
an equal number of weaknesses.
For example, I steal things.
So, that's my resume that you wrote.
Oh, that's true, isn't it?
Have you ever stolen anything? Yes.
What? I've stolen a car.
No, in real life.
I stole a car.
Yeah, last year.
Oh, recently, as well. Yeah.
So it wasn't like childish hijinks?
No, it was unlocked and
the keys were in the ignition
and I stole a car.
On with the show.
Today's prize category.
What have these people
brought in for me?
OK, it's quite a niche one,
this time.
The five rivals have been asked
to bring in the heaviest item
that can fit in a shoebox.
OK, so whoever brings in
the heaviest item
that can fit in a shoebox,
they'll win the first maximum
points of the show.
Whoever wins the episode will win
five shoeboxes full of heavy items.
All to play for. Where to start?
Paul. Hello. How are you doing, man?
LAUGHTER
I'm doing better now.
What heavy item did you bring
and why am I going to give you
all the points for it?
Because it's heavy.
Really? What is it?
Melon, innit.
APPLAUSE
A lot of melon.
It is a lot of melon.
It's a watermelon.
Is melon something traditionally
associated with heavy weight?
I think...
I think of words that I would pop
before weight to emphasise...
I just love melons. ..the heaviness.
I'd say lead, maybe.
Lead. Melon.
Melon.
Who should we have a look at next?
Dave.
Yeah, I brought a lump of marble
that I dug out of my garden.
GREG WHISTLES
SARA: That looks heavy.
You've got a garden full of marble,
yeah?
We had a garden that was massively
overgrown when we moved in
and we had to clear at all.
And I think it was a collapsed
bird table or something.
It would have been nice
if you could have taken the time
to scrub that bird shit off it.
Al, what did Al bring us?
I brought Alan Bullock's
classic history
Hitler and Stalin - Parallel Lives.
Because that is really,
really heavy.
Look at it there.
APPLAUSE
Wow. It's pretty offensive,
but why have you censored out
the shoebox instead?
The shoebox has got its own
Hitler moustache.
Suddenly, melon seems fine,
doesn't it?
Sara, what did you bring in?
I have brought a poisonous snake.
It's very heavy so the lid is shut.
OK. And it's very poisonous.
Have we weighed the snake?
Well, no, I wasn't allowed
to approach the box.
I was told I needed to be a handler.
I mean, I haven't weighed it.
I think it's about...
How much was the marble?
27kg.
I think this is about 32.
Well, it's up to you, isn't it?
Well, if it hasn't been weighed
then it's null and void, right?
Well, she said it's 32.
Yeah, it's just about whether
you trust me or not.
Oh, I don't.
Rob. Oh, yeah,
I've got some concrete.
Oh, yeah?
There we are.
I tell you, that cat
would not leave me alone.
So, that's it, isn't it?
Rob's from south-east London.
Bish, bash, bosh.
Fill it full of concrete. Done.
OK, good luck with this.
Shall I go in last place?
You're putting yourself
in last place?
Yeah. Words.
They're very tricky, aren't they?
I'm going to put Sara because I've
not been able to weigh her snake.
OK. No. I'm sorry.
No, don't apologise.
In fourth place, I...
Guess what?
I'm putting Paul Chowdhry
for putting some
fucking melon in the box.
Whilst I appreciate Al's cunning,
I'm going to put Al in third place.
Aww!
Because there's not enough history
to that definition of heavy.
What? That'll do.
Number one is Dave. He brought
the heaviest thing in. Bam.
OK, on with the next task.
Please, Alex. Here we go.
Hold on to your hats,
or put your hats away.
Here it is.
Right.
What have we here?
Is it going to pop out?
That was out of order, man.
Scary clown.
Do you want to see
his horrible face?
It's like Saw, innit?
Tonight, we're going to play a game.
Little things are more fun,
aren't they?
"Surprise Alex..."
"Surprise Alex when he emerges from
his shed in one hour."
"Your time starts now."
Could I move the shed?
Oh, that was what this is
a metaphor for.
Like, it's a surprise.
How far away do his family live?
Go and kidnap his children
from school.
He comes out the shed
and there they are.
That would surprise him,
wouldn't it?
Are his kids in school?
What if we kidnapped his kids
and tied them to a chair
outside the shed?
I mean, that would surprise him.
APPLAUSE
The first thing we should address
is Al and Sara.
I would argue that if Alex
came out of his shed
and his children were just there,
that would be quite a surprise.
And yet both of you wanted to take
them against their will.
Didn't you suggest tying them up
as well, Sara?
Because kids wriggle around.
They do.
You have to keep them in place.
Do you know who I want to see first?
Yes, I do. Paul Chowdhry.
Yeah!
We can do that.
Let's see how Paul's mind works.
TICKING
OK.
I feel like there's something...
Waaargh!
That's horrible.
Blood on the thing.
Yeah, that's good.
That's good. That's horrendous.
APPLAUSE
Brown Clown. Brown Clown.
Is that what you're called?
Well, thank you for that,
Brown Clown.
Very good. Very good.
That's Paul debuting his new
children's character,
Brown Clown.
Given that Alex
had sort of set the task
and we'd put a clown in a box...
Like a human one, innit?
I mean, yeah.
Sure, I knew that was you.
You weren't going to get a brown
clown in that small box,
so I thought if I did
the real thing...
You were pretty surprised, innit?
I mean, I was quite surprised.
I'd been in there for an hour.
This is what I do.
I go in there,
I do my secretarial duties.
I knitted you some little booties.
Oh, thanks. Yeah, a couple of them.
They're nice, thank you.
And I came out and I saw the box.
And I was surprised to see the box,
but I did think,
"There's probably a clown
in the box." Yeah.
If there was a surprise-o-meter,
how high would it have gone?
That's a massive if.
LAUGHTER
Big if, isn't it?
About that high. About that high.
I want to know how long
you were in the box
hiding as the brown clown for.
About 45 minutes. About 45 minutes.
Shall we move on to Sara?
I mean, honestly,
I want to stay here all night.
Oh...
I love you, Paul.
Yeah, let's move on to Sara. OK.
I mean, presumably someone's
going to get hurt.
Yeah, someone did.
THEY SCREAM
Yeah.
I guess I should be concerned.
Are you all right, Joel?
Are you tickly?
Shall I untie you? Can you hear me?
This is horrible.
APPLAUSE
When I... When I set the task
and after you all completed them...
I don't get many details,
but I did ask Alex which ones
he thought were surprising
and he said...
This is a direct quote, he said,
"For the smallest part of a second,
"I did think maybe Sara
had killed someone."
That's how competitive I am.
Never do a surprise
birthday party, please.
For the kids.
Do you want to see your cake?
Surprise!
Oh, it's the head of a rabbit.
What about the surprise-o-meter?
I mean, I don't quite know what
shape this surpriseometer is.
It's the surprise-o-METER.
Oh, sorry.
Well, I guess on
the surprise-o-meter,
it's about the same as the clown.
OK. It was a valiant
and disturbing effort.
Who's next? Al's. OK.
Let's have a look at Al's.
Here is Al Murray's attempt.
TICKING
ALARM RINGS
HORN HONKS
GONG CRASHES
HORNS REVERBERATE
I think that was more surprising
than that,
but that's really surprising.
The gong? I mean, that's a...
What, this? That's...
You've not seen it before.
Lovely physique, but that...
Look at that.
I mean, the dong and the gong.
HORN TOOTS
How many horns? Four.
Yeah. You're a four-horn surprise.
APPLAUSE
SARA: Amazing!
We didn't provide that gong for Al.
No, Al has a slight advantage of
living near the Taskmaster house,
so he could source a gong
within an hour.
I play drums on the side and I knew
there was a gong rental place...
..up the road.
Al, I thought it was phenomenal
and awful.
OK. The surprise-o-meter?
It was... I mean, genuinely,
it was the most surprising because
it was deafening and...
Most surprising so far.
OK, time for a break.
How will Dave and Rob surprise Alex
when he comes out of his shed?
Find out in part two.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where one of our lucky comedians
will be heading home
with a block of concrete,
a lump of marble
and some rotting watermelon.
Alex, how is the last task going?
It's going OK. It's often been more
disturbing than surprising,
but there's two more to see.
We're going to see Rob Beckett,
but first Mr Dave Gorman.
Here we go.
TICKING
Is there a Gorman?
Oh, is there two parts? Is it...?
Oh, OK. I like this.
OK. It says, "Dear Alex,
please press the blue button."
Waaargh! Oh!
Good. Good, good.
Why has he got that there?
Is he actually naked?
I said boxers and he misunderstood.
That's the best one.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Very nice. My first question is, how
come you get to keep your clothes on
and the camera crew don't?
I make the rules.
It's my... It's my go.
And also, I'm going to surprise him
by not being there,
so the idea of
surprising him by not being there
but being naked
doesn't really stack up.
Checks out. Are you buying that?
I'm buying that.
He did also buy them.
You paid them a certain amount of
money to take their clothes off.
Yeah, I...
Is that right?
It's about 200 quid, I think.
200 quid each?!
No, between them. Between them.
Between them.
Right. I don't know how
they divvied it up,
but there was 200 quid on the table.
Is that like low-rent prostitution?
Were you surprised?
Yeah, I mean, the surprise was over
a longer period of time,
so it wasn't as immediate
as the air horns.
Right. Or the dead body.
And then we have the clown. So...
Yeah, I was surprised.
OK, let's see how Rob did.
Let's see if he was surprising.
Alex, you've been a bad boy.
ROB CHORTLES
Surprise!
There's quite a lot going on there.
Quite a lot.
Are you surprised?
Quite surprising, yeah.
Quite surprising.
Thank you, Rob. Sorry.
Thank you for that.
I'm sorry, are you all right?
Are you wet?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, I mean, incredible, right?
He was reasonably caring.
After he did it, he said,
"Are you wet?" which is nice.
When you are cackling dressed
as a nan on that sofa,
I thought I saw your teeth
visibly growing,
you were so pleased with yourself.
I do get really excited.
I mean, it's just mad.
Where did the nan thing come from?
Basically,
when we were filming that,
like I'd had a kid the week before
and had about ten hours' sleep,
and I think I'd gone mad.
I think it was like
the beginning of a breakdown.
We've got our winner. There he is.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Instinct tells me possibly
number two,
all those hours down the gym
have paid off for Al Murray.
It was the barrage on the senses
in general that was impressive,
and then it was the noise.
How many air horns?
Four? Four. Yeah.
Second place, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's not say Paul's
definitely last,
but I'll pop Clown in just for now.
I'm going to put Dave ahead of Sara,
purely because he used bribery,
nakedness...there's a hint of sexual
exploitation in there.
And then he jumped out of a bush
and said "Boo", so...
Fine. Done. There it is, it's done,
ladies and gentlemen.
Right. Let's find out how they're
doing at this stage.
Well, after two rounds,
we have an early leader
and that is Mr Rob Beckett.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
The nan jet wash cliche
pays dividends.
Fantastic. There's have
another task, please, Alex.
OK, this one is the first team task
of the series.
Oh!
Hello. Hello. There's a gonk.
Pardon? A gonk?
What do you call him?
A troll. Oh.
Just different generations.
Hello.
Hello. How you doing?
Does one of you want to...? Paul.
"Your time starts now."
Oh! What is the question? What?!
Nothing! Taskmaster?
Your time starts now?
Time starts now.
"Your time starts now."
That's all it says.
Care to explain?
There's a message in a bottle. Oh.
Is that relevant?
"Dear blank with love."
OK, it's not that, then.
No.
Have you got a task in your hand
or anything?
What are you doing? Oh!
There we go.
Oh! He's tied up.
Ah. That's locked with
a combination on it.
Might be something in there.
Can you pick it?
Pens.
Perhaps there's something written
on that in UV.
"Release Alex, fastest wins."
Right. OK, so a key is needed,
I guess.
Yeah. Which is in here.
APPLAUSE
My first question is,
have you to ever met
each other's parents?
Because you're clearly brother
and sister.
I sometimes get people who are
trying to be horrible to me
on the internet saying
that I'm just you in a wig.
But I don't take it as an insult.
We've just seen that!
I don't take it as an insult.
Well, that's your future
with the jet wash.
That's me.
That's me in my 70s.
Oh, Nan.
Really good. So, Paul, you can
pick any lock, right?
Any lock. Any lock.
Did you successfully pick that lock?
Didn't pick that one, but... Ah.
Shall we start with the siblings?
The siblings!
So, let's see
the sinister Aryan twins.
Mummy says we're good at puzzles.
So, what would you use?
Would you use a biro?
I've never busted someone
out of jail.
Let's bend him over the table.
Put a torch on.
Oops.
You're making it slightly tighter.
Well, that's not my problem, is it?
They are very tight now,
aren't they? They really are.
I've really tightened them.
Oh, there's a secret message, maybe.
SHE GASPS
"Release Alex fastest wins."
Well, where's the clue?
"Look on the phone." What?
Where's the phone?
Look on the phone.
Why's there spunk on your phone,
Alex?
How long have you been locked up,
you dirty bastard?
"Look on the phone."
Pictures of phones.
Oh.
Oh! 911 to get in
this little bastard.
Oh, we need to do the puzzle. Yeah.
That's a joke.
I've never done a speedy puzzle
before and I think I'm enjoying it.
There's a message on the back.
Hey! Not a pussy, mate.
Rob! Rob Beckett!
Now we're doing it the harder way.
Yeah.
OK. OK.
What does it say? "Karma."
"Karma, by Gregory Davies."
Here we go. So it's page 72.
Page 72, word 14.
Word 14, on this page.
12, 13, 14. "Shedding." Shedding.
In the shed? One... Oh. Yeah.
It's open.
There's a cracker.
I've got the stuff in here.
Is there stuff in there?
Peas again.
"Look behind the picture."
This picture?
No. Oh, there's loads
of pictures here.
You go and look on all the pictures.
Oh, it's not on his hand, is it?
Oh, you fucking arsehole.
I nearly looked in there.
You kept it... What happened?
It's in his hand.
What, the picture was in his hand?
No, the... What, the key?
Yeah! Stop the clock.
Oh, I see!
APPLAUSE
Two blonde kids having fun together.
Two Aryan twins solving problems.
Yeah. Couple of Nazi kids
freeing a prisoner.
We have to stop for a break now.
Come back and see if Dave
and Al and Paul
tackle the task in a faster time.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Welcome back. There are five
shoeboxes up for grabs tonight
and one of them might
contain a dead snake.
Am I right in thinking we were
partway through a task?
You're always right in thinking,
Greg.
We are about to see if
the beards can prove that
the three heads are better than two.
Here we go.
You might have a key on you. No.
Maybe there are some numbers in...
There's got to be numbers
in the room that tell us the...
You know, Karma Test.
Gregor Davies.
There's 268 pages in this book.
Try 268. I mean,
it's not going to be 268.
That might be a number available
to us.
The barometer.
Pens...
There's a penny here.
String. Is it on here?
Look on the phone.
Look on the phone.
On the phone.
I mean, all the numbers are here.
That's the nature of phones.
Which one has four on?
So, it's nine, nine, seven...
There's probably another phone.
That's maybe where we're making
our hideous blunder.
There's got to be
another phone somewhere.
There's got to be another
phone somewhere.
It's a good lock, this.
Ah. Greg's holding a phone
in that picture.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, there you go.
911. 911.
We are a trio of dickheads.
There you go.
Oh, for God's sake.
The letter is on the upside.
The lettering is on the upside down.
Page. It's going to be
turn to page...
So we're looking for a number.
There's a two.
The Gregor Davies book.
So it's the Taskmaster book.
Page 72, word 34.
31, 32, 33, 34.
"Was." That can't be right.
Oh, 14.
One, two, three, four, five, 13...
"Shedding." Shed.
Oh... "Look behind a picture."
Behind the picture.
Behind Greg's picture?
Could be.
Oh!
Anything on there?
Where's the...?
Ah, there's a photograph of a key.
It's in... It's in his hands.
Ah, thanks, Al.
Thanks, Dave. Thanks, Paul.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Three great minds...
..or a trio of dickheads.
Paul's one of the great criminal
minds of our time, isn't he?
I believe you were still picking
the lock for...
It's only because he thought
there was some melon in it.
He wouldn't have been able to lift
it if there was melon in it.
That's why there was three of them.
You gave...
They had two people, we had...
I had these two distracting me.
If you had done that task
on your own,
you'd still be there trying
to pick that lock.
I would have got it sooner or later,
though.
And I'll tell you this,
I'd watch that that television.
Incredible. Well, I don't think
there's going to be a big surprise
about who's won, but...
Well, this team, the beards,
their overall time was 27 minutes
and 37 seconds.
That's all right.
Nearly half an hour.
You probably knew that.
Sara and Rob took 16 minutes
and 46 seconds.
So, moving on.
Hey, Alex, do you have something
quick we could see?
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Okey dokey.
"Create the best upside-down
self-portrait
"using only the materials supplied."
I don't understand
the upside-downness.
"The taskmaster will
judge the picture
"when it has been rotated
180 degrees."
So, it's going upside down on here.
Right, OK, I get that.
No, you don't have to be
upside down. What?
The picture does,
but you can be the right way up.
Right, OK. Right.
I'm with you now. OK.
"You have 20 minutes."
"Your time starts now."
Well, it's pretty straightforward.
A task you're excited by?
I really got into it.
I really enjoyed it,
and felt a moment of
creative expression
that I haven't felt a long time.
He wasn't in his pants again,
was he?
Upside down.
Four air horns out. "Meeep!"
Four. Four.
Do you want to see Al really
getting into it? Do I? OK.
We can see them all having a go.
What is this? Ketchup. Ketchup?
That looks a lot like mustard
and ketchup and brown sauce.
What's this? Red.
This isn't brown sauce, is it?
It's brown sauce.
What's that? White.
Squirty cream?
They're not paints, they're sauces!
What's this? Green.
Burger sauce. Mustard.
Okey dokey, then.
Oh, cheap, vinegary shit, that.
If anyone touches this with their
hands, they're gross.
All right. I think this is an
exciting time for art right now.
Isn't it?
I'm an artist. I'm a proper artist.
Look at it. It's dripping out.
Look, the squirt isn't as good.
Condiments have never been
my medium.
I've run out of brown.
You should have provided me with
more brown. You know this.
This is racist. You gave me loads
of white and I'm brown.
Done.
Didn't expect there to be
any racial tension...
..during an exercise of spraying
condiments against a brick wall.
They had an unfair advantage,
all of them,
because there was
loads of white spray.
There was not enough brown sauce.
Well, there was brown sauce.
There was more white, though, innit?
Well...
Was their more white?
No. It was cream.
You always come up with
these excuses.
What, "you people"?
Do you want to see
all five portraits?
Yes. So, you've just got to judge
which one's best, which one's worse,
and then also second
and fourth and also third. So...
I can do it in that order,
if you like. OK.
Do you want to start with best?
Mine ran because the wall was wet.
And yet, to scale.
APPLAUSE
I love them. So, Sara's is
the only full-length one.
She's not done her face
and her hair is going up.
I was doing a handstand
in the picture.
So that way I could paint it
the right way up
as how I do a handstand.
I genuinely presume
that's what you're doing.
I thought, "Yeah,
that's a handstand portrait." Yeah.
You don't see many of them in
the National Portrait Gallery.
Not as many as there should be.
It's technically a portrait, right?
Yes.
A portrait is a painting, drawing,
photograph or engraving of a person,
especially one depicting...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm bored.
OK.
Who's your favourite?
Pick your favourite.
I think it's Al Murray's.
It was lovely, yeah.
Do you know why? No.
There's a sadness to those
condiment eyes.
Definitely. So, we've got first,
do you want to go second?
Yeah, I'm going to give it to Sara,
just for her creativity.
It's a handstand, bam, it's in.
Good, good.
Third, fourth, fifth.
I'm going to give third to Dave,
because that face
gives me an element of joy.
Because I think he's making
this noise -
beoow!
APPLAUSE
And I can't separate the madness
on the bottom,
so we'll put them in joint last
place, bam, done it.
OK, good.
What's happened to the scoreboard,
Alex?
We have a runaway leader so far.
Get out of town.
Leading the whole way through
so far is Mr Rob Beckett.
He's on 16 points. Whoa!
16!
Two tasks to go. What's next, Alex?
We have another task.
Hi, Al. Hi. Hi.
Is it in here? Yeah.
I don't like popping balloons.
You don't like popping balloons?
No. I'm going to...
BALLOON SQUEAKS
Very suspicious, Al.
They look like they're in Morse
code or something.
Really? The balloons, yeah. Four
dots, three dashes, or something.
I don't know.
Done. Oh, it's the...
Taking the piss, mate.
"Pop the balloons.
"Fastest wins."
"Your time starts when you pop
the next balloon.
Oh, good God!
Actually hadn't even noticed those!
Oh! Yeah, not ideal if I do
that approach, is it?
Pop all the balloons.
Time starts when I do my first one.
Right, OK. How am I supposed to pop
these balloons?
Look how long that took.
Probably lost this task.
Time's going to start, yeah.
Pop all of the balloons as quick
as you can, simple task.
So the time starts when you pop your
first balloon.
Now, these are intelligent people.
They're not just going to steam in
and just start popping the balloons.
No, no, because they can make
a plan, they can get something.
They're going to think about it.
Yeah.
Do you want to start
with David and Sara? Yeah.
Haven't even got keys in my pocket.
That's annoying. OK.
BALLOON SQUEAKS
It's a funny noise!
Oh, it's another funny noise.
All popped?
Yeah, they are all popped.
Thanks, Dave.
I mean, fascinating.
Medically fascinating.
So, Dave was...
I mean, it was particularly feral.
He used his beard at times. He just
sort of rammed.. One minute 50.
Do you know what I think about when
I think of Dave Gorman? Feral.
Yeah, one minute 50. Sub two.
Sara, also sub two - one minute 58.
Oh. Was that the slow-mo ones
you were doing?
LAUGHTER
OK, let's go to a logical brain.
Paul. Really?
OK. We can see Paul and Rob
together.
Let's. OK.
Could be a winner.
Is there a lighter anywhere?
This could pop some,
on the one hand.
It's quite dangerous, but...
..it's the old
knuckleduster trick, you know?
What if I get one in each hand?
Fastest wins. All right.
All right.
Shoryuken!
These balloons are bastards, mate.
They're bastards, innit?
Oh, one left!
Bastard.
It's a bit like watching
the evolution of humankind,
this show, really.
First we see the very basic primates
using their teeth.
And then they discover tools.
I've seen that in Mortal Kombat.
I got the reference.
No, that was Street Fighter 2.
Oh, I didn't get the reference.
And nice to see you're consistent
with your use of the word "bastard"
as well. Last episode,
you called a rabbit covered in
a Slush Puppie a bastard.
Now it's the turn of
the balloon community.
That was a snowman in the last one.
It wasn't a snowman, mate.
Good, though, really good. Rob?
Yeah, I started off with
a corkscrew and another corkscrew.
You can say two corkscrews.
I had two corkscrews,
but one corkscrew was better,
so I started off doing that,
but in the end I just went for
one-handed swipes
like a sort of angry cat.
Very impressive, but how impressive
was it time-wise?
Well, weirdly, Paul wasn't that much
quicker than the biters -
one minute 26.
Quite good, not that much.
Rob sort of treated them like wine
bottles, unscrewed them -
31.6 seconds. Oh, wow.
So, Al Murray's balloon frenzy
still to come.
Find out how he did in
about three minutes.
Plus, all five head to the stage
for the final task of the show.
Yes, they will. See you soon.
Hello, good to see you again.
It's the final part of the show,
and there's a live task
just around the corner.
But first we need to conclude
the task at hand.
Alex? Hi, Greg. So, the current task
involves popping balloons
as fast as possible.
The current time to beat is 31.6
seconds, achieved by Rob Beckett.
And we've just got Al to go.
You ready for Al? Yeah. OK.
Here he is.
No!
Damn you to hell!
Are they all going to fit, Al?
No, they're not all going to fit...
Right. ..but that doesn't mean
this isn't a good idea.
No, no, no.
What is the idea, Al?
To group the balloons together
into as small amount together
as possible,
and then commence popping them.
One big pop? To try to get them all
in one go, to narrow the time down.
But I can take as long as I like
over managing the time.
Yeah. So far, I've taken
no time over this,
even though we're taking
a long time over it. Yeah.
Trust me, this is the obvious way
to do it,
rather than running around
in a frenzied-idiot panic.
It's either this or the cricket bat.
Is it?
For England,
you know?
Just got to reorganise
these balloons.
Right.
Bollocks!
I'm stopping the clock there.
All gone?
Just making sure. I only lost...
Two balloons, was it?
Yeah, that's not bad.
Thanks, I enjoyed that. All right.
Thank you, Al.
We'll deal with this. Yeah, sure.
That's a really clever idea,
horrifically executed.
Obviously, the terrible news is that
there were two escaped balloons.
Yet to be popped.
They're probably popped by now,
but we can't verify it,
so it's not looking good for him.
He spent 34.6 seconds
smashing it with a cricket bat,
so he would have come in second.
Behind Rob's corkscrew. Exactly.
Right. Was there anything else
about his attempt?
I don't know if you remember at
the beginning of the task,
Al said something.
Do you want to have a look? Yeah.
They look like they're
in Morse code or something.
Really? The balloons, yeah.
Four dots, three dashes
or something, I don't know.
It does, doesn't it?
It does look a bit like Morse code.
So because he said that,
we had a look at it.
We checked it out.
Weirdly, it was... What?
It says this.
MORSE CODE BEEPS
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
The winner of that task,
Mr Rob Beckett.
OK, everyone, before we find out
who's going home
with five filled shoeboxes,
could you please head up
to the stage for the final task
of the show?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Could Paul read the task out,
please?
OK, Paul, that's for you.
Read it nice and clearly, Paul.
"Unravel a whole roll
of sticky tape.
"Put the unravelled sticky tape
in your lunchbox.
"Close your lunchbox.
"Fastest wins."
Fastest wins, you're right, Paul.
And, nicely, you did it in the tone
of voice of a sort of Batman film.
So, in your boxes you've got
sticky tape,
if you want to open your boxes.
All the sticky tape has to
come off the roll
and has to all go in the lunchbox,
and the lunchbox has to shut.
If you can stop looking for the end
of the tape, please.
Put the tape down, everybody!
Look up into the air.
Alex, blow your whistle. Go.
OK, everyone, go!
WHISTLE BLOWS
AUDIENCE SHOUTS ENCOURAGEMENT
I like that method.
Done!
Shut the box, shut the box!
It must shut.
Oh, that's stuck on your hand, that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get that off.
Yeah, that's done.
Yeah, we've got...
There's a lot on your hand.
There's a lot on your hand.
That's got to go in the box.
Oh, fuck off!
You've got to start again.
I'm done.
I didn't listen, did I?
Even Batman read it out,
you didn't listen.
Sara Pascoe!
APPLAUSE
OK, can you all come down and we'll
see how that's affected the scores?
Did that all go according to plan,
Alex?
For most of them.
Rob's still going. It's so tight.
You can pretend it's
someone else now, innit?
Do you want the scores, Greg?
I really do want the scores.
OK, well, I'm afraid Rob didn't
get any points for that.
He didn't complete the task.
Sara did it in one minute 46.
There was only two seconds
separating Paul and Dave.
Paul was two seconds
quicker than Dave.
Was he really?
Yeah, one minute 12.
But sub one minute,
Al Murray in 55 seconds.
An entire roll.
Thanks to his Commonwealth record
there with the Sellotape,
he's retained the series lead.
But the winner of this particular
episode is Mr Rob Beckett.
Rob Beckett!
APPLAUSE
Rob Beckett is the winner
of five luxury shoeboxes -
a prize that he told me in the break
he thought was rubbish.
Please go and retrieve your prizes.
Hey, thanks for today, Alex.
Hey, thanks for thanking me today,
Greg.
Thanks again, Alex. OK.
What have we learned today, then?
Well, what we've learned is,
if Alfred Hitchcock wanted to make
the end of Psycho really scary,
he should have shoved a jet washer
in that old woman's hands.
And of course, we've also learned
that against the odds,
our winner tonight is Rob Beckett!
Well done. Thanks, everybody.
Goodbye.
Subtitles by Ericsson