Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Episode #3.1 - full transcript
APPLAUSE
Hello there, I'm Greg Davies,
welcome to a brand-new
series of Taskmaster.
We have five fresh comedy goliaths,
primed and ready
to humiliate themselves in a series
of tricky tasks,
all in the vague hope of taking home
this, the Taskmaster trophy.
At the end of the series, only one
of them will take home my shiny,
golden bonce as the ultimate
winner of Taskmaster.
So, without further ado, let's meet
our new contenders. They are...
Al Murray!
APPLAUSE
Dave Gorman!
Paul Chowdhry!
Rob Beckett!
And Sara Pascoe!
APPLAUSE
He's here, my faithful servant and
would-be friend, Alex Horne.
Tell them all a bit about yourself,
Alex. Really? Yes. OK.
Hello, my name is Alex.
I'm 37 years old, I like sport and
I'm quite a kind person.
For example, here are some raisins.
If you want some raisins.
No, I don't, I'm all right, thanks.
If you want some raisins...
No, no, it's nice that they're
there. They're always there.
They're always in the pocket.
It's a new series, and I'm expecting
an incredible Prize Task category.
Are you?
You're great. So...
LAUGHTER
To kick things off,
we asked our contestants to bring in
their most flamboyant clock.
So whoever brings in the most
flamboyant clock will win the
first points of the show.
Maximum points.
And whoever wins the episode
will go home
with five flamboyant clocks, OK?
Why have a normal clock when you can
have a flamboyant clock?
Al Murray,
what's your flamboyant clock,
and why do you consider it to
be flamboyant?
My flamboyant clock is my
stove at home.
LAUGHTER
You can make out the clock just to
the left of the knob on the right.
You see that?
That panel there is the clock.
It comes with a hot plate,
five gas hobs,
two fan ovens.
And a drawer for keeping stuff in.
So you see this as a clock with an
oven attached, right? Yes.
Dave, what've you brought?
And why's it flamboyant,
and is it a clock? It is a clock.
At first glance, it might appear to
be just an ordinary digital clock.
But it's actually my microwave oven.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
You swine!
I'd argue this is far more
flamboyant than an oven.
Well, of course you would! Yeah!
Because it's microwaves,
and they're magic. Oh, yeah...
But I can cook eight things at once.
With my clock!
Paul Chowdhry.
Mine's a pop clock.
That you can wear on any item
of clothing.
I've had this for 30 years,
this clock. Yeah.
Where's the flamboyance?
You can wear it with anything
that's flamboyant.
Yeah, I know, but where's the
flamboyance in the clock itself?
If I go out wearing Al Murray's
oven, I'm looking flamboyant.
LAUGHTER
Where's the flamboyance?
Well, you can put it on,
if you're wearing...
Like, a kilt, something... So you...
You define...
You define flamboyance...
..as being an item that I could
attach to a kilt?
Yes.
Rob? I've brought a sundial.
A tortoise sundial.
AUDIENCE: Whoo!
That's my most flamboyant clock.
I'm very late in the
winter to things.
Is that because you're still relying
on sundial technology? Yes.
In the summer though...
I'm always there.
LAUGHTER
Pretty flamboyant, innit?
I don't know. It's the sort of thing
my mum would consider wacky.
I think your mum's probably quite
a nice lady.
Oh, she's a lovely woman.
She not flamboyant?
Yeah, I guess she is a little bit,
maybe you're right.
"OK", he's gone!
Sara, what have you... I really
like your flamboyant tortoise.
Well, I've played this properly and
actually brought a flamboyant clock.
At last. OK, so here it is.
Oh, God!
LAUGHTER
It's a clock and it's flamboyant!
And...
It's genuinely a timepiece.
My boyfriend is
a huge Freddie Mercury fan,
and he doesn't know that
I've brought it.
LAUGHTER
Are you trying to get rid of it?
I'm trying really hard to
win this episode!
Does it belong to your boyfriend?
It was a gift from me,
so technically I own it.
I don't think that's how gifts
work. It does, in my family.
Because if you've fallen out with
the person, you can go,
"Well, I'm having that back."
LAUGHTER
Listen, the horrible truth is,
I'm going to make really
brutal decisions.
Do you want to start in fifth place?
It is the Braveheart Pop Swatch.
In fifth.
In fourth place...
Oh, no. What's wrong?
I can't truly explain it,
but I'm putting the tortoise.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
It's not an actual tortoise!
In third place,
I'm putting the microwave.
In second place...
This is the big one...
You're not going to believe
I've done this.
I'm putting the stove.
I don't believe you.
I'm putting the stove,
and I'll tell you why -
that's a clock.
APPLAUSE
OK. Time for the first full-blown
task of the series. Alex? Yes.
What've we got?
We've got some track and field.
DING!
Hi.
Hello, mate!
Paul.
Get to the microwave in as few
steps as possible.
And open the door before the
microwave dings.
There's five minutes on the clock.
The microwave is under that tree.
Where've you plugged it in then?
There's generator behind the tree.
Didn't know those trees
had generators.
As a few steps as possible?
As few STEPS as possible?
As few steps as possible.
The microwave...
..starts now.
APPLAUSE
Yeah, a simple task, I wanted you to
get to my microwave
before the soup cooks,
in as few steps as possible.
I mean, I don't know why it caused
any confusion whatsoever.
It's a pretty straightforward task.
We've mixed it up a little bit
though, added a few hurdles,
literally, and another hurdle in
that I did ask Alex
if he could make sure there was
a lot of goose shit on the track.
LAUGHTER
Who are we going to see first?
I think... Shall we see Rob?
Great place to start,
let's have a look.
Can I just give you my coat, yeah?
Put it on if you want, mate.
Nice in the sun, innit?
Right, I'm going to roll there.
Ooh, it's quite a far way, innit?
I feel dizzy.
It gets you really dizzy quick,
that.
This is the future, mate.
I'm going to be covered in
goose shit, ain't I?
Ugh...
I think I might be sick.
Ugh, I've just had a
coffee as well!
Feel like me head's going
to explode.
RETCHES
FURTHER RETCHING
What other ways can I get there
without stepping?
APPLAUSE
Just have to roll there, won't I?
All right? Ooh...
RETCHES
I'm sorry!
Arguably a more efficient way of
transporting yourself about.
More fun, but don't have a big
coffee beforehand.
I thought I was going to be
sick out me eyes.
APPLAUSE
You must have a very weak
constitution,
I don't know why drinking a massive
coffee and then
rolling around in goose shit would
make you feel sick.
Any steps involved?
There were just a couple of little
ones, just before the manoeuvre.
I sense the step over the fence.
Just before that.
Because we all saw the forward-reach
over-we-go tumble with pike,
which is a 6.2 difficulty level.
There were four little steps just
before the flip, and that was it.
The rest was rolls.
And his time was...?
Irrelevant.
LAUGHTER
Four steps. Who's next?
We're going
to have a look at Paul and Dave.
Is that a step?
Is that a step?
Ooof!
AUDIENCE GROANS
OK.
Thank you, Dave.
Incredibly quick.
Yeah.
Thank you, Paul.
Your soup.
It's ready, sir. Lovely.
That's piping hot.
Good techniques there, Paul.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE
It's very early for me to be
trotting out Chinese proverbs,
but that does make me think of the
classic, when is a step not a step?
When it's on a fucking hurdle.
LAUGHTER
"Is that a step? Is that a step?!"
I thought that was a step.
He's already got a catchphrase!
LAUGHTER
It is slightly relevant,
he took well over seven minutes.
Aw!
And the total of steps
I counted was 125.
LAUGHTER
A lot more than if you've just
walked casually.
If I...
If I was able to give artistic
style points, mate,
you'd be romping ahead in this,
I tell you.
It was awesome.
I was intrigued by yours, Dave,
because I've seen some of
your shows,
and they're incredibly meticulously
thought-out and clever.
And...
LAUGHTER
I think I thought the task was,
in steps,
but as few of them as possible.
Oh, I see, so you thought you
had to be stepping. Yeah.
Apart from when I did the
forward roll,
I'd sort of worked it out by then.
That was really good.
How many steps? 50 steps.
Or, if we use Paul Chowdhry's
definition...?
Still 50 steps.
LAUGHTER
Al and Sara's attempts still to
come, after the break, see you then.
APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where exclusive membership to
Al Murray's oven
is being hotly contested for.
Alex, where were we?
We were on the athletics track,
watching our comedians trying
to reach a microwave in the
smallest number of steps.
So far, Rob Beckett is in the lead,
Paul Chowdhry has been disqualified,
up next, Al Murray
and Sara Pascoe together.
The floor is so gross!
None of it's steps, is it?
Ugh, so much shit!
This is a metaphor for
show business.
Are they steps? No.
It's so pooey, Alex.
I mean, really.
Just click the door open,
you've got plenty of time.
There you go.
There's the soup.
What, have I got to eat the soup?
There we go, thank you.
What flavour soup is it? Pea. Oh.
Smashed it. Thanks, Al.
APPLAUSE
My initial impulse on watching
Sara's technique is
it was just a fancy stepping.
LAUGHTER
In leather trousers. Admittedly,
stylistically incredible.
Can we ask the expert?
Paul, was it a step?
LAUGHTER
There were some steps.
I counted it as 27 steps. OK.
Talk to me about Al.
I counted eight little steps.
For the whole run?
I'm pretty pleased with that.
But he was walking on his knees.
Every definition of step I found
involved the foot.
Nothing mentioned the knee, so...
OK. That's out of order, mate.
LAUGHTER
So, these are the results.
Essentially, Paul, you're
disqualified, I'm so sorry,
because you didn't do it within the
time, nothing to do with
your incredible understanding
of stepping.
In fourth place, it's Dave
"Big Stepper" Gorman.
In third place its
Sara "Fussy Steps" Pascoe.
In second place, it's Al "Mainly
kneeling some step" Murray.
And in first place,
with an incredible...
shitty, sicky performance...
Thank you. ..it's Rob The Roller.
Alex, I think it's time for the
first scoreboard update, please.
OK, well, it's very close, it's,
uh...
There's a tie! There's a tie for the
lead.
Al and Sara both have eight points.
APPLAUSE
Great. On with the next task.
Of course. Here we go.
Hi. Hi, Al.
What's this? It's for you.
It's for me? It's a frozen pea?
Am I supposed to eat this? No, no.
Off you go. Open that first, yeah?
Propel this pea
the furthest distance.
Your pea must land and remain
on the red carpet.
I'll just throw it in this. Will the
pea definitely land on the...
Oh, so the pea's gotta... It's up to
you, whatever you think the task...
"The pea must land on the..."
Well, it's gonna land on it.
Is that... That's on the carpet.
That'll be on the carpet. Will it?
There's a pea in there.
Isn't it?
It doesn't say the pea must land on
the carpet, the pea will be
on the carpet, it doesn't say it
must make contact with the carpet.
You do what you think's right, Rob.
Well, if Davies' got a problem with
it I'll knock him out.
APPLAUSE
Well, I mean...
There's a few
things to address there.
I mean, you're a younger man than
me, and you're probably fitter,
but if I get one
haymaker on you, mate...
..it'll arguably kill you. And the
second thing is,
don't disrespect me or
I'll make you come last.
OK.
It's worth us talking about the fact
that what they shouldn't do is
just fling the pea, because there's
the carpet
and then there's the grass.
No-one's gonna get that task
and see a tiny pea and a red carpet
in a windy garden and think,
"I'm just gonna bung this."
No, we've picked... These are
intelligent people.
Very bright. Very bright.
Yeah, so we'll start with Sara, Paul
and Dave, if you like.
LAUGHTER
Let's see how far this gets, then.
This ain't gonna work, is
it? I've lost a pea.
You gave me a green pea!
Now I've gotta find the pea.
Any clues?
I think it's on the...on the grass.
I can't see it on the carpet.
Yeah, we could spend a lot of time
looking for a pea.
How do we know where it is? Who can
see that far?
It's on the carpet!
Is it on the... It's on the carpet?
Yeah!
OK, I've got a measuring tape.
OK, centimetres... Is this
centimetres? Yes.
Have you got a spare pea?
It had to be that pea, I'm afraid.
It's got to be that exact pea?
It's like finding a pea in
a...haystack.
Shit!
I'm just going to go and have a sit
down. Can I get you anything? A pea?
Not to use.
I quite like a pea.
To compare it to.
As a comparison, yeah, that would
be nice.
And, also, I just like a snack, a
frozen...
I will get you a pea,
but I will mark the pea.
If you wouldn't mind. OK.
Thank you very much.
Oh, that was further.
That's fine with me!
It's a new personal best! Woo!
18 metres and 27.
Hey, I'm glad you went again now.
I've brought you a pea but I don't
think you should eat it.
I've injected it with black ink.
I do trust you, but I don't...
..entirely trust you. Oh, no, that's
fine. I'm going to eat this one.
Have you eaten it? Yeah.
Swallowed.
Oh, my God.
It's wedged in the
strings of the racket.
It was there all along.
APPLAUSE
Well, unlucky, I suppose, Paul.
No score. No score on that one.
No score.
Would you like us to measure that?
Yeah.
No, that's not as far. I was close
to that leaf before. Are you sure?
Do you want me to measure it
anyway?
Yeah, measure it anyway, because
it's on there.
Congratulations on 12 metres 11.
Thank you very much. I'm very...
Pleased with that.
..pleased with that.
I can't imagine
someone beating 12 metres.
17 metres 14.
We thought so, didn't we? Yeah.
Respectable. Anyone else want a go
of throwing a pea? It's pretty fun.
APPLAUSE
Poor little Paul.
I mean, I was mocking of the idea
that somebody would
just grab the pea and bung
it up the carpet.
But she hit the carpet every time,
right?
Yeah, she only did it three
times and they went in.
18 metres and 27 centimetres.
It's not a sentence I thought I'd
ever say, but, you know,
great pea-throwing.
Thank you! Thank you so much.
Paul,
you're having a mare at the moment.
You said propel the pea, so I got a
cricket bat to propel it.
She's just chucked the pea.
There's so many words I'm going to
have to teach you.
Dave. Yes. OK. Let's cut to the
chase here.
I'm going to ask you a question.
Yeah. A very simple question. Yeah.
And I want you to answer honestly.
Now, you're not in trouble...
LAUGHTER
..but I'm asking you directly now.
Yeah.
Did you cheat? No.
I'm going to ask you one more time.
LAUGHTER
Did you cheat?
No, Greg, I did not.
OK. We can see the racket there, so
that's where it got, it got wedged.
It looks firmly
wedged, doesn't it, Dave?
It was wedged.
Yeah. We can also see the racket
just after you struck the pea.
Um...
Pea's gone. Or has it?
CROWD: Oooooh!
Go on.
I know what's happened here, I know
what's happened here.
At some point, while I'm trying to
search for the pea,
I was using the racket to sweep
through the...
Oh... Oh, turn it in, mate!
I believe him. I believe Dave.
We'll make a judgment on this after
the break. See you then.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where five of the UK's best-loved
but least flamboyant comedians
are playing for each
other's most flamboyant clocks.
Who's next, Alex? Do you want to
have a look at Rob, Rob Beckett?
MIMICKING ROB'S HIGH PITCH:
Yeah, Rob Beckett! Yeah!
OK, here is Rob.
Propel!
Can I put it in the wheelbarrow
and then tip it on the thing?
If I go round and round, that's
propelling it with force or drive...
Uh-huh.
..and then when I finish,
fucking bang it on there.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
30 metres. I've not stopped. I know.
You're slowing me down!
Propelling it forward with drive and
motion. Looks like propelling.
Well, if you'd hurry up,
I'd be propelling a bit more.
One lap is 81.30 metres.
81?
Right, I'm going to do 1,000 and
then I'll put it on a carpet.
LAUGHTER
That number four? This is the fourth
one, isn't it? Eh...
You've done three I think.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nice having a good propel, innit?
You're over 300 metres now.
That's probably enough I reckon.
I'll do one more just to stay
on the safe side.
OK, so what I'm going to do is...
Come round here...
Oww!
So 406, plus another eight metres.
414. 414? 414 metres.
How long have
I got left on the time?
"Propel...definition." It's a verb.
"Drive or push something forwards."
Mate, I've just drove a wheelbarrow
forwards... 414 metres.
..414 metres. And 53cm.
It's landed on the red carpet and
it's remained there. Yeah.
Thank you, Rob.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I mean, incredible.
It's always like you were
justifying it
in anticipation of an argument.
It's not normal I use words
to my advantage.
We've got Al Murray next.
LAUGHING: OK.
There. It's landed on...
Landed on the carpet.
HE STRAINS
LAUGHTER
Let's see how far we can get
the pea to go. OK.
I've got to go as far as I can and
back in the next 20 minutes.
If we can just go up the M4 as far
as we can. 1.6 miles now.
This is fantastic. Yeah,
making a lot of progress. 16 miles.
WHISTLE BLOWS
There we go, just shy of 18 miles.
18 miles!
Brilliant.
Just on the right. Thanks, Bob.
Shall we check for peas? Probably...
Oh, oh...
Oh! Yes!
It remained on the carpet, Al.
WHOOPING
It was propelled, right?
Did he propel it?
Al paid for the cab, he paid £150.
SARA: No, he didn't!
Amazing watching someone pay £150 to
take a pea to Slough.
I can't wait for that taxi driver to
be in the pub going,
"Seriously, the Pub Landlord
hailed me...
"and made me drive into Slough
with a pea."
Weirdly, I know his niece.
Lovely little detail.
She's a GP in Croydon.
I DO like Croydon.
How far did Al propel his pea?
18 miles.
ROB: Wow. 18 miles?
Now, here's the news - Dave
has been disqualified for cheating,
ladies and gentlemen.
What? I did not cheat!
SARA: Ohh...
Sorry, that's what's happened, mate.
That's very bad news, although...
I do admire you having a go.
LAUGHTER
What's great news is, even though
you lost it, you did propel the pea.
You get points!
CHEERING
He's in fourth place and he's
got two points!
In third place was arguably the only
person who entered
into the proper spirit of the pea
throwing - Sara Pascoe.
Gets three points.
In second place was Rob with his
awesome barrow work.
Four points. And in first place,
Al Murray, five points.
Alex, how does that affect
the scoreboard?
Well, we have an
outright leader now,
and that is obviously Mr Al Murray.
CHEERING
OK, one more task, please.
OK, I'm really trying my best
to please you,
and this one is a Christmassy task.
"Make the best snowman."
"You have one hour.
LAUGHING: "Your time starts now."
Well, that's pretty tricky,
isn't it?
- It's not snowing.
- I suppose I should
check out the window
to see if it's started snowing.
What's the weather like, Rob? Balmy!
- Well, it's not going to snow in
an hour, is it?
LAUGHTER
No. "11 o'clock - sunny."
It's 10 o'clock now.
No snow today.
STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Tomorrow - no snow.
There's no snow this week.
You didn't think it was
going to snow,
you were just messing around,
weren't you? No, I thought...
Cos it snowed in April this year,
when Prince died
and he wrote that song
"It Snowed in April",
then he died a week later, so...
Yeah, you shouldn't use that
to forecast weather.
There's never,
ever been purple rain.
LAUGHTER
Who's first? I thought
we'd start off with
a little enthusiastic
Rob Beckett again. Oh, little Rob!
Little, eager Rob.
HIGH-PITCHED: Look at little Rob!
Right, basically,
snow's out the window.
I was going to get loads of
marshmallows and do that,
but then it's just
a marshmallow man, isn't it?
Will marshmallows stick together?
As in sort of...
Oh! I've got all the marshmallows.
You've got a lot, haven't you?
HE STRAINS
STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS
GIGGLING: That's a bit of one.
You have to really squeeze.
HE LAUGHS
90 seconds, Rob. No worries, mate.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you, Rob. I'll take that.
LAUGHTER
You pleased with that?
If you're after a snowman...no.
But I thought,
"If you can't make a snowman,
"make something that looks like it."
I think it was
a lovely marshmallow man though.
Yeah, you can't make snow,
so I thought,
"I'll just make one that looks
like a snowman."
If a child had made a Christmas card
at school and it was made out
of cotton wool making a snowman,
you wouldn't go,
"That's not a snowman", you would
say, "That's a lovely snowman."
Oh, no, no, I would kick it out
their hands and say,
"That's not a snowman."
Who's next? I've grouped
Al and Sara together again. Ohh!
Do you want to see them?
HIGH-PITCHED: Yeah. OK.
So we...
I could make a mould of some kind,
fill it with water,
put it in the freezer...
I need, like, four litres of vanilla
ice cream and a bag of raisins.
And some wool. OK.
To make the scarf. Yeah.
A couple of colours, please.
You've got to diversify these days,
haven't you?
I can't remember ever not
being able to plait.
Look, it's a snowman.
I'm going to call him Scoopy.
Now, some of this is going
to be the base.
Jam it into the tray. Yes!
And that's your snowman shape.
There it is. OK, carrot's too big.
STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS
There we go.
Oh! Actually, I've got an idea.
There is some ice in here.
I'm going to add some ice to it,
which will speed up its
freezing process.
This will help it along.
There we go. OK, 40 minutes left,
Al, so we're going to...
Great, 35 minutes...
We'll check it. We'll check it.
Should have frozen solid by then,
we'll take it out, - job done.
This is the coal buttons.
So... There he is. "I don't want to
come out of the box!"
He's lovely, isn't he? Scoopy.
I'm happy.
Isn't he nice?
STUDIO AUDIENCE: Aww.
LAUGHTER
I said in the studio while we were
watching those
that watching Al make it is like
watching a man in
the middle of a breakdown.
And then I expected to be...
LAUGHING: ..to be corrected when
I saw the snowman
be a thing of great beauty.
What I saw was a monstrous,
awful freak.
LAUGHTER
What I see there,
I see a creature in pain.
I see a Chernobyl snowman saying,
"Kill me, someone kill me."
I have no doubt that would
make my nieces cry.
Is their uncle a cab driver?
Oh, wow. I do love it,
Al, it's incredible.
Sara, what do you think
of Sara's snowman?
CHEERING
It's not snow!
It's frozen...
It's not snow! Yours isn't snow!
Yours is ice from a freezer.
Mine's closer to snow.
Ice cream is as close as ice is.
What, is there milk in clouds?
LAUGHTER
If it has evaporated,
enough of it, then yeah.
Well, arguably, the cows might spill
a bit of milk sometimes.
Yeah, arguably. Arguably.
Do you want to see Scoopy again?
Yes, I want to see Scoopy again,
he's lovely.
I think about him every day.
Aww.
ALL: Ohh!
Agh!
SARA GASPS
And you know what?
At the end of that VT, Scoopy was
still happier than Al's snowman.
Do you want, eh, a raisin?
No, I'm fine.
You're an inspiration, it was
a really lovely ice cream man.
Who's left?
It's Dave and Paul, I think we'll
see Dave first. Oh, dear.
LAUGHTER
Can I get a very large bucket...
and 200 packets of powdered potato?
OK.
So, yeah, as soon as you can,
please. Right, yeah, I'll hurry.
HE STRAINS
That's very good. Is that enough?
No, that's good.
The kettle is on, so if you could
start getting some boiling water.
Yeah, that's lovely, thank you.
I've got another one. Yeah, please.
I'll be honest - it's not as white
as I was hoping, it's quite yellow.
It's very yellow. Smells nice, Dave,
your snowman.
Do you think?
School dinners.
Let's try see what this looks like.
STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I'm actually quite happy with that.
It's coming on, isn't it?
Is there a hose anywhere?
Yes, there is. Is that connected?
Have you got the carrot?
Would you like me to get you the
carrot? I'd like the carrot, please.
AUDIENCE: Ahh.
WHISTLE BLOWS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm quite happy with that.
I mean, earlier in today's show,
I was a little concerned
about your literal interpretations
of some of the tasks.
Steps. The big step thing. Yeah.
You're back in the game, because
someone says, "Make a snowman,"
and you ask for mash.
Really nice. Thank you.
OK, after the break,
not only will we see something
that I'm looking forward to...
THEY ALL LAUGH
..more than I can tell you -
seeing Paul Chowdhry's attempt
at a snowman -
but all five will take to the stage
for the first live task
of the series. See you then.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome back
to the final part of the show.
It won't be long before we find out
who has to haul home
Rob's giant tortoise sundial
and Dave's chunky microwave.
But, first, weren't we about to
watch Paul do something?
Yes, we were.
They've all been building snowmen
out of marshmallows, potatoes
and ice cream,
but we're yet to see
Paul Chowdhry's attempt,
and he didn't use
any of those items.
Would you like to see what he used?
I mean...
genuinely more than anything. OK.
I guess, um, can you buy me...
a Slush Puppie?
What flavour?
Snow flavour.
Hi, Paul.
Ah! Got you a bag of ice,
two Slush Puppies and a white teddy.
Excellent.
OK, good luck. Finally.
That's a snowman-bear, innit?
THEY GIGGLE
How's that?
You see, the expression
and the tears
reflects what I'm going through
on the inside.
SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS
Bastard's crying, innit?
APPLAUSE
Right at the end, just...
as the final image of
a snowman was in place, he said,
"The bastard's crying, innit?"
Let's have a look at the bastard.
ROB: Oh, it's dark, mate, innit?
It's dark.
I'm starting to think
we shouldn't be laughing at Paul.
I've got so many questions
I want to ask you, Paul.
My first question is...
is everything all right?
Snowbear, innit?
It's not a bear! It's a rabbit.
It's a rabbit.
LAUGHING: It's a rabbit
with some ice on it!
That's not a bear, it's a rabbit.
It was... It was powerful, wasn't
it? In the room, we were moved.
I mean, it's incredible, look at it!
I like it, he used ice. Yeah.
I was about to say, and it's
something I've written down, Al -
thanks for backing Paul up -
he has used something cold
in his snowman,
which is one of the traditional
elements of a snowman,
it's built of a cold substance.
There you go.
So, in that regard...
well done.
And I'll go further.
If this was about artistry
and about creating something that
really moves people...
you'd have won this task.
However...
..we agreed some criteria.
And they were, you know,
it should be recognisable
as a snowman.
Traditionally, the snowman's
outdoors, like Dave's, for example.
Recognisable elements we agreed.
Traditional elements.
Traditional elements.
Like the scarf.
The carrot nose, which we provided.
The eyes.
And then scale.
We thought, you know,
when people are making a snowman,
they normally go for big.
"Oh, that's a big one!"
Bigger. Yeah. Yeah.
Who's in last place, Greg?
HE SIGHS
In fifth place, it's Paul Chowdhry.
Not artistically, mate - number one.
In fourth place, it's Rob, cos
it was made out of marshmallows.
Number three, Al... Oh, God!
I can't lose to that! In the drawer!
It don't look anything like
a snowman! Al's is monstrous.
Second place,
we're putting the ice cream, Sara.
And even though it wasn't
made out of cold stuff,
we think that Dave made
the best snowman.
There it is, it's done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How's that affected the scoreboard?
Well, it's tight.
It's tight at the top.
There's one point
separating the top two people.
There's three points
separating the top three.
And Paul's still in it,
so let's have a look. Al...
Al's in first place with 16 points.
There we go.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's near the end of the show but,
before we can find out our winner,
there's one more thing to do.
So, for the first time this series,
will you all please head
to the stage for the final task?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Looks like
all five of our contestants
have got some
lovely new friends there.
Rob, would you read out
the task, please?
Hi, Rob. Hi, mate. You all right?
You OK? Yeah, yeah, great.
I'm just going to crack on
with this, though.
"Balance your swedes on your Swede.
"Your Swede must remain
standing at all times.
"Your swedes may only balance
on the exterior of your Swede.
"Most swedes resting on a Swede
after 100 seconds wins."
A lot of "Swede" in that,
in't there?
So, in summary, as many swedes
on a Swede in the time allowed.
And the Swede has to be standing up?
The Swede must remain standing
at all times.
You can manipulate your Swede
in any other way.
And when Alex says
you can manipulate them
in any way you want...
Emotionally, leave them alone.
Good luck, everyone.
HE BLOWS HIS WHISTLE
Get sweding!
CHEERING
I'll take the swedes off.
Go on, Paul!
On the head. Early on the head.
CHEERING
Oh, my word.
You're going back, are you?
One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine...
12! 12.
How's it going, Rob? Not very well.
Keeps falling off, that one?
Also, having a lady is a bit of
a disadvantage on the old space...
20 seconds!
CHEERING
Oh, there's a lot there.
There's a lot there.
Yep.
It's respectable, it's respectable.
15 seconds left!
15 seconds!
Ten seconds!
After which you must step away.
Five seconds!
Four!
Three!
Two! One!
HE BLOWS HIS WHISTLE
CHEERING
Step away, step away.
Paul! Step away, step away.
You can step there. Just there.
Ladies and gentlemen,
with thanks to our regular, Fred,
and our London Swedes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
All of you come down, we'll see
how that affected the scores.
Well done, Fred.
Alex, how were they
at swede-on-Swede balancing?
Great question, great Swedes.
Lovely Swedes.
Well, Sara and Rob
found it awkward,
they both achieved eight Swedes.
Whoa. The same? Oh, that's good.
It's a reasonable amount of swedes
to get on a Swede.
It's an even number.
Then we've got Dave, 11 swedes.
Ooh! Uh-oh.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Paul Chowdhry, 14 swedes!
14 swedes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
But then Mr Al Murray
with 15 swedes!
15 swedes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you.
That must have affected
our final scores.
Don't get your hopes up, Paul.
Yes, the scores are in,
and our winner is...
Mr Al Murray!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So Al Murray is the first winner
of the series,
and the owner
of five flamboyant clocks.
Please, Al, head to the stage
to collect your prizes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So there we are,
another exciting series under way.
Thanks for your help, Alex.
Thanks for letting me help, Greg.
It's like Ant and Dec, isn't it?
What have we learned today?
Well, what we've learned today
is if you want
to scare your children,
just get Al Murray or Paul Chowdhry
to make them a snowman.
But, most importantly, despite that,
we found out that our winner
of Episode One of Series Three
of Taskmaster is Mr Al Murray!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, everybody. Good night!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Ericsson
Hello there, I'm Greg Davies,
welcome to a brand-new
series of Taskmaster.
We have five fresh comedy goliaths,
primed and ready
to humiliate themselves in a series
of tricky tasks,
all in the vague hope of taking home
this, the Taskmaster trophy.
At the end of the series, only one
of them will take home my shiny,
golden bonce as the ultimate
winner of Taskmaster.
So, without further ado, let's meet
our new contenders. They are...
Al Murray!
APPLAUSE
Dave Gorman!
Paul Chowdhry!
Rob Beckett!
And Sara Pascoe!
APPLAUSE
He's here, my faithful servant and
would-be friend, Alex Horne.
Tell them all a bit about yourself,
Alex. Really? Yes. OK.
Hello, my name is Alex.
I'm 37 years old, I like sport and
I'm quite a kind person.
For example, here are some raisins.
If you want some raisins.
No, I don't, I'm all right, thanks.
If you want some raisins...
No, no, it's nice that they're
there. They're always there.
They're always in the pocket.
It's a new series, and I'm expecting
an incredible Prize Task category.
Are you?
You're great. So...
LAUGHTER
To kick things off,
we asked our contestants to bring in
their most flamboyant clock.
So whoever brings in the most
flamboyant clock will win the
first points of the show.
Maximum points.
And whoever wins the episode
will go home
with five flamboyant clocks, OK?
Why have a normal clock when you can
have a flamboyant clock?
Al Murray,
what's your flamboyant clock,
and why do you consider it to
be flamboyant?
My flamboyant clock is my
stove at home.
LAUGHTER
You can make out the clock just to
the left of the knob on the right.
You see that?
That panel there is the clock.
It comes with a hot plate,
five gas hobs,
two fan ovens.
And a drawer for keeping stuff in.
So you see this as a clock with an
oven attached, right? Yes.
Dave, what've you brought?
And why's it flamboyant,
and is it a clock? It is a clock.
At first glance, it might appear to
be just an ordinary digital clock.
But it's actually my microwave oven.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
You swine!
I'd argue this is far more
flamboyant than an oven.
Well, of course you would! Yeah!
Because it's microwaves,
and they're magic. Oh, yeah...
But I can cook eight things at once.
With my clock!
Paul Chowdhry.
Mine's a pop clock.
That you can wear on any item
of clothing.
I've had this for 30 years,
this clock. Yeah.
Where's the flamboyance?
You can wear it with anything
that's flamboyant.
Yeah, I know, but where's the
flamboyance in the clock itself?
If I go out wearing Al Murray's
oven, I'm looking flamboyant.
LAUGHTER
Where's the flamboyance?
Well, you can put it on,
if you're wearing...
Like, a kilt, something... So you...
You define...
You define flamboyance...
..as being an item that I could
attach to a kilt?
Yes.
Rob? I've brought a sundial.
A tortoise sundial.
AUDIENCE: Whoo!
That's my most flamboyant clock.
I'm very late in the
winter to things.
Is that because you're still relying
on sundial technology? Yes.
In the summer though...
I'm always there.
LAUGHTER
Pretty flamboyant, innit?
I don't know. It's the sort of thing
my mum would consider wacky.
I think your mum's probably quite
a nice lady.
Oh, she's a lovely woman.
She not flamboyant?
Yeah, I guess she is a little bit,
maybe you're right.
"OK", he's gone!
Sara, what have you... I really
like your flamboyant tortoise.
Well, I've played this properly and
actually brought a flamboyant clock.
At last. OK, so here it is.
Oh, God!
LAUGHTER
It's a clock and it's flamboyant!
And...
It's genuinely a timepiece.
My boyfriend is
a huge Freddie Mercury fan,
and he doesn't know that
I've brought it.
LAUGHTER
Are you trying to get rid of it?
I'm trying really hard to
win this episode!
Does it belong to your boyfriend?
It was a gift from me,
so technically I own it.
I don't think that's how gifts
work. It does, in my family.
Because if you've fallen out with
the person, you can go,
"Well, I'm having that back."
LAUGHTER
Listen, the horrible truth is,
I'm going to make really
brutal decisions.
Do you want to start in fifth place?
It is the Braveheart Pop Swatch.
In fifth.
In fourth place...
Oh, no. What's wrong?
I can't truly explain it,
but I'm putting the tortoise.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
It's not an actual tortoise!
In third place,
I'm putting the microwave.
In second place...
This is the big one...
You're not going to believe
I've done this.
I'm putting the stove.
I don't believe you.
I'm putting the stove,
and I'll tell you why -
that's a clock.
APPLAUSE
OK. Time for the first full-blown
task of the series. Alex? Yes.
What've we got?
We've got some track and field.
DING!
Hi.
Hello, mate!
Paul.
Get to the microwave in as few
steps as possible.
And open the door before the
microwave dings.
There's five minutes on the clock.
The microwave is under that tree.
Where've you plugged it in then?
There's generator behind the tree.
Didn't know those trees
had generators.
As a few steps as possible?
As few STEPS as possible?
As few steps as possible.
The microwave...
..starts now.
APPLAUSE
Yeah, a simple task, I wanted you to
get to my microwave
before the soup cooks,
in as few steps as possible.
I mean, I don't know why it caused
any confusion whatsoever.
It's a pretty straightforward task.
We've mixed it up a little bit
though, added a few hurdles,
literally, and another hurdle in
that I did ask Alex
if he could make sure there was
a lot of goose shit on the track.
LAUGHTER
Who are we going to see first?
I think... Shall we see Rob?
Great place to start,
let's have a look.
Can I just give you my coat, yeah?
Put it on if you want, mate.
Nice in the sun, innit?
Right, I'm going to roll there.
Ooh, it's quite a far way, innit?
I feel dizzy.
It gets you really dizzy quick,
that.
This is the future, mate.
I'm going to be covered in
goose shit, ain't I?
Ugh...
I think I might be sick.
Ugh, I've just had a
coffee as well!
Feel like me head's going
to explode.
RETCHES
FURTHER RETCHING
What other ways can I get there
without stepping?
APPLAUSE
Just have to roll there, won't I?
All right? Ooh...
RETCHES
I'm sorry!
Arguably a more efficient way of
transporting yourself about.
More fun, but don't have a big
coffee beforehand.
I thought I was going to be
sick out me eyes.
APPLAUSE
You must have a very weak
constitution,
I don't know why drinking a massive
coffee and then
rolling around in goose shit would
make you feel sick.
Any steps involved?
There were just a couple of little
ones, just before the manoeuvre.
I sense the step over the fence.
Just before that.
Because we all saw the forward-reach
over-we-go tumble with pike,
which is a 6.2 difficulty level.
There were four little steps just
before the flip, and that was it.
The rest was rolls.
And his time was...?
Irrelevant.
LAUGHTER
Four steps. Who's next?
We're going
to have a look at Paul and Dave.
Is that a step?
Is that a step?
Ooof!
AUDIENCE GROANS
OK.
Thank you, Dave.
Incredibly quick.
Yeah.
Thank you, Paul.
Your soup.
It's ready, sir. Lovely.
That's piping hot.
Good techniques there, Paul.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE
It's very early for me to be
trotting out Chinese proverbs,
but that does make me think of the
classic, when is a step not a step?
When it's on a fucking hurdle.
LAUGHTER
"Is that a step? Is that a step?!"
I thought that was a step.
He's already got a catchphrase!
LAUGHTER
It is slightly relevant,
he took well over seven minutes.
Aw!
And the total of steps
I counted was 125.
LAUGHTER
A lot more than if you've just
walked casually.
If I...
If I was able to give artistic
style points, mate,
you'd be romping ahead in this,
I tell you.
It was awesome.
I was intrigued by yours, Dave,
because I've seen some of
your shows,
and they're incredibly meticulously
thought-out and clever.
And...
LAUGHTER
I think I thought the task was,
in steps,
but as few of them as possible.
Oh, I see, so you thought you
had to be stepping. Yeah.
Apart from when I did the
forward roll,
I'd sort of worked it out by then.
That was really good.
How many steps? 50 steps.
Or, if we use Paul Chowdhry's
definition...?
Still 50 steps.
LAUGHTER
Al and Sara's attempts still to
come, after the break, see you then.
APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where exclusive membership to
Al Murray's oven
is being hotly contested for.
Alex, where were we?
We were on the athletics track,
watching our comedians trying
to reach a microwave in the
smallest number of steps.
So far, Rob Beckett is in the lead,
Paul Chowdhry has been disqualified,
up next, Al Murray
and Sara Pascoe together.
The floor is so gross!
None of it's steps, is it?
Ugh, so much shit!
This is a metaphor for
show business.
Are they steps? No.
It's so pooey, Alex.
I mean, really.
Just click the door open,
you've got plenty of time.
There you go.
There's the soup.
What, have I got to eat the soup?
There we go, thank you.
What flavour soup is it? Pea. Oh.
Smashed it. Thanks, Al.
APPLAUSE
My initial impulse on watching
Sara's technique is
it was just a fancy stepping.
LAUGHTER
In leather trousers. Admittedly,
stylistically incredible.
Can we ask the expert?
Paul, was it a step?
LAUGHTER
There were some steps.
I counted it as 27 steps. OK.
Talk to me about Al.
I counted eight little steps.
For the whole run?
I'm pretty pleased with that.
But he was walking on his knees.
Every definition of step I found
involved the foot.
Nothing mentioned the knee, so...
OK. That's out of order, mate.
LAUGHTER
So, these are the results.
Essentially, Paul, you're
disqualified, I'm so sorry,
because you didn't do it within the
time, nothing to do with
your incredible understanding
of stepping.
In fourth place, it's Dave
"Big Stepper" Gorman.
In third place its
Sara "Fussy Steps" Pascoe.
In second place, it's Al "Mainly
kneeling some step" Murray.
And in first place,
with an incredible...
shitty, sicky performance...
Thank you. ..it's Rob The Roller.
Alex, I think it's time for the
first scoreboard update, please.
OK, well, it's very close, it's,
uh...
There's a tie! There's a tie for the
lead.
Al and Sara both have eight points.
APPLAUSE
Great. On with the next task.
Of course. Here we go.
Hi. Hi, Al.
What's this? It's for you.
It's for me? It's a frozen pea?
Am I supposed to eat this? No, no.
Off you go. Open that first, yeah?
Propel this pea
the furthest distance.
Your pea must land and remain
on the red carpet.
I'll just throw it in this. Will the
pea definitely land on the...
Oh, so the pea's gotta... It's up to
you, whatever you think the task...
"The pea must land on the..."
Well, it's gonna land on it.
Is that... That's on the carpet.
That'll be on the carpet. Will it?
There's a pea in there.
Isn't it?
It doesn't say the pea must land on
the carpet, the pea will be
on the carpet, it doesn't say it
must make contact with the carpet.
You do what you think's right, Rob.
Well, if Davies' got a problem with
it I'll knock him out.
APPLAUSE
Well, I mean...
There's a few
things to address there.
I mean, you're a younger man than
me, and you're probably fitter,
but if I get one
haymaker on you, mate...
..it'll arguably kill you. And the
second thing is,
don't disrespect me or
I'll make you come last.
OK.
It's worth us talking about the fact
that what they shouldn't do is
just fling the pea, because there's
the carpet
and then there's the grass.
No-one's gonna get that task
and see a tiny pea and a red carpet
in a windy garden and think,
"I'm just gonna bung this."
No, we've picked... These are
intelligent people.
Very bright. Very bright.
Yeah, so we'll start with Sara, Paul
and Dave, if you like.
LAUGHTER
Let's see how far this gets, then.
This ain't gonna work, is
it? I've lost a pea.
You gave me a green pea!
Now I've gotta find the pea.
Any clues?
I think it's on the...on the grass.
I can't see it on the carpet.
Yeah, we could spend a lot of time
looking for a pea.
How do we know where it is? Who can
see that far?
It's on the carpet!
Is it on the... It's on the carpet?
Yeah!
OK, I've got a measuring tape.
OK, centimetres... Is this
centimetres? Yes.
Have you got a spare pea?
It had to be that pea, I'm afraid.
It's got to be that exact pea?
It's like finding a pea in
a...haystack.
Shit!
I'm just going to go and have a sit
down. Can I get you anything? A pea?
Not to use.
I quite like a pea.
To compare it to.
As a comparison, yeah, that would
be nice.
And, also, I just like a snack, a
frozen...
I will get you a pea,
but I will mark the pea.
If you wouldn't mind. OK.
Thank you very much.
Oh, that was further.
That's fine with me!
It's a new personal best! Woo!
18 metres and 27.
Hey, I'm glad you went again now.
I've brought you a pea but I don't
think you should eat it.
I've injected it with black ink.
I do trust you, but I don't...
..entirely trust you. Oh, no, that's
fine. I'm going to eat this one.
Have you eaten it? Yeah.
Swallowed.
Oh, my God.
It's wedged in the
strings of the racket.
It was there all along.
APPLAUSE
Well, unlucky, I suppose, Paul.
No score. No score on that one.
No score.
Would you like us to measure that?
Yeah.
No, that's not as far. I was close
to that leaf before. Are you sure?
Do you want me to measure it
anyway?
Yeah, measure it anyway, because
it's on there.
Congratulations on 12 metres 11.
Thank you very much. I'm very...
Pleased with that.
..pleased with that.
I can't imagine
someone beating 12 metres.
17 metres 14.
We thought so, didn't we? Yeah.
Respectable. Anyone else want a go
of throwing a pea? It's pretty fun.
APPLAUSE
Poor little Paul.
I mean, I was mocking of the idea
that somebody would
just grab the pea and bung
it up the carpet.
But she hit the carpet every time,
right?
Yeah, she only did it three
times and they went in.
18 metres and 27 centimetres.
It's not a sentence I thought I'd
ever say, but, you know,
great pea-throwing.
Thank you! Thank you so much.
Paul,
you're having a mare at the moment.
You said propel the pea, so I got a
cricket bat to propel it.
She's just chucked the pea.
There's so many words I'm going to
have to teach you.
Dave. Yes. OK. Let's cut to the
chase here.
I'm going to ask you a question.
Yeah. A very simple question. Yeah.
And I want you to answer honestly.
Now, you're not in trouble...
LAUGHTER
..but I'm asking you directly now.
Yeah.
Did you cheat? No.
I'm going to ask you one more time.
LAUGHTER
Did you cheat?
No, Greg, I did not.
OK. We can see the racket there, so
that's where it got, it got wedged.
It looks firmly
wedged, doesn't it, Dave?
It was wedged.
Yeah. We can also see the racket
just after you struck the pea.
Um...
Pea's gone. Or has it?
CROWD: Oooooh!
Go on.
I know what's happened here, I know
what's happened here.
At some point, while I'm trying to
search for the pea,
I was using the racket to sweep
through the...
Oh... Oh, turn it in, mate!
I believe him. I believe Dave.
We'll make a judgment on this after
the break. See you then.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where five of the UK's best-loved
but least flamboyant comedians
are playing for each
other's most flamboyant clocks.
Who's next, Alex? Do you want to
have a look at Rob, Rob Beckett?
MIMICKING ROB'S HIGH PITCH:
Yeah, Rob Beckett! Yeah!
OK, here is Rob.
Propel!
Can I put it in the wheelbarrow
and then tip it on the thing?
If I go round and round, that's
propelling it with force or drive...
Uh-huh.
..and then when I finish,
fucking bang it on there.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
30 metres. I've not stopped. I know.
You're slowing me down!
Propelling it forward with drive and
motion. Looks like propelling.
Well, if you'd hurry up,
I'd be propelling a bit more.
One lap is 81.30 metres.
81?
Right, I'm going to do 1,000 and
then I'll put it on a carpet.
LAUGHTER
That number four? This is the fourth
one, isn't it? Eh...
You've done three I think.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nice having a good propel, innit?
You're over 300 metres now.
That's probably enough I reckon.
I'll do one more just to stay
on the safe side.
OK, so what I'm going to do is...
Come round here...
Oww!
So 406, plus another eight metres.
414. 414? 414 metres.
How long have
I got left on the time?
"Propel...definition." It's a verb.
"Drive or push something forwards."
Mate, I've just drove a wheelbarrow
forwards... 414 metres.
..414 metres. And 53cm.
It's landed on the red carpet and
it's remained there. Yeah.
Thank you, Rob.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I mean, incredible.
It's always like you were
justifying it
in anticipation of an argument.
It's not normal I use words
to my advantage.
We've got Al Murray next.
LAUGHING: OK.
There. It's landed on...
Landed on the carpet.
HE STRAINS
LAUGHTER
Let's see how far we can get
the pea to go. OK.
I've got to go as far as I can and
back in the next 20 minutes.
If we can just go up the M4 as far
as we can. 1.6 miles now.
This is fantastic. Yeah,
making a lot of progress. 16 miles.
WHISTLE BLOWS
There we go, just shy of 18 miles.
18 miles!
Brilliant.
Just on the right. Thanks, Bob.
Shall we check for peas? Probably...
Oh, oh...
Oh! Yes!
It remained on the carpet, Al.
WHOOPING
It was propelled, right?
Did he propel it?
Al paid for the cab, he paid £150.
SARA: No, he didn't!
Amazing watching someone pay £150 to
take a pea to Slough.
I can't wait for that taxi driver to
be in the pub going,
"Seriously, the Pub Landlord
hailed me...
"and made me drive into Slough
with a pea."
Weirdly, I know his niece.
Lovely little detail.
She's a GP in Croydon.
I DO like Croydon.
How far did Al propel his pea?
18 miles.
ROB: Wow. 18 miles?
Now, here's the news - Dave
has been disqualified for cheating,
ladies and gentlemen.
What? I did not cheat!
SARA: Ohh...
Sorry, that's what's happened, mate.
That's very bad news, although...
I do admire you having a go.
LAUGHTER
What's great news is, even though
you lost it, you did propel the pea.
You get points!
CHEERING
He's in fourth place and he's
got two points!
In third place was arguably the only
person who entered
into the proper spirit of the pea
throwing - Sara Pascoe.
Gets three points.
In second place was Rob with his
awesome barrow work.
Four points. And in first place,
Al Murray, five points.
Alex, how does that affect
the scoreboard?
Well, we have an
outright leader now,
and that is obviously Mr Al Murray.
CHEERING
OK, one more task, please.
OK, I'm really trying my best
to please you,
and this one is a Christmassy task.
"Make the best snowman."
"You have one hour.
LAUGHING: "Your time starts now."
Well, that's pretty tricky,
isn't it?
- It's not snowing.
- I suppose I should
check out the window
to see if it's started snowing.
What's the weather like, Rob? Balmy!
- Well, it's not going to snow in
an hour, is it?
LAUGHTER
No. "11 o'clock - sunny."
It's 10 o'clock now.
No snow today.
STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Tomorrow - no snow.
There's no snow this week.
You didn't think it was
going to snow,
you were just messing around,
weren't you? No, I thought...
Cos it snowed in April this year,
when Prince died
and he wrote that song
"It Snowed in April",
then he died a week later, so...
Yeah, you shouldn't use that
to forecast weather.
There's never,
ever been purple rain.
LAUGHTER
Who's first? I thought
we'd start off with
a little enthusiastic
Rob Beckett again. Oh, little Rob!
Little, eager Rob.
HIGH-PITCHED: Look at little Rob!
Right, basically,
snow's out the window.
I was going to get loads of
marshmallows and do that,
but then it's just
a marshmallow man, isn't it?
Will marshmallows stick together?
As in sort of...
Oh! I've got all the marshmallows.
You've got a lot, haven't you?
HE STRAINS
STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS
GIGGLING: That's a bit of one.
You have to really squeeze.
HE LAUGHS
90 seconds, Rob. No worries, mate.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you, Rob. I'll take that.
LAUGHTER
You pleased with that?
If you're after a snowman...no.
But I thought,
"If you can't make a snowman,
"make something that looks like it."
I think it was
a lovely marshmallow man though.
Yeah, you can't make snow,
so I thought,
"I'll just make one that looks
like a snowman."
If a child had made a Christmas card
at school and it was made out
of cotton wool making a snowman,
you wouldn't go,
"That's not a snowman", you would
say, "That's a lovely snowman."
Oh, no, no, I would kick it out
their hands and say,
"That's not a snowman."
Who's next? I've grouped
Al and Sara together again. Ohh!
Do you want to see them?
HIGH-PITCHED: Yeah. OK.
So we...
I could make a mould of some kind,
fill it with water,
put it in the freezer...
I need, like, four litres of vanilla
ice cream and a bag of raisins.
And some wool. OK.
To make the scarf. Yeah.
A couple of colours, please.
You've got to diversify these days,
haven't you?
I can't remember ever not
being able to plait.
Look, it's a snowman.
I'm going to call him Scoopy.
Now, some of this is going
to be the base.
Jam it into the tray. Yes!
And that's your snowman shape.
There it is. OK, carrot's too big.
STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS
There we go.
Oh! Actually, I've got an idea.
There is some ice in here.
I'm going to add some ice to it,
which will speed up its
freezing process.
This will help it along.
There we go. OK, 40 minutes left,
Al, so we're going to...
Great, 35 minutes...
We'll check it. We'll check it.
Should have frozen solid by then,
we'll take it out, - job done.
This is the coal buttons.
So... There he is. "I don't want to
come out of the box!"
He's lovely, isn't he? Scoopy.
I'm happy.
Isn't he nice?
STUDIO AUDIENCE: Aww.
LAUGHTER
I said in the studio while we were
watching those
that watching Al make it is like
watching a man in
the middle of a breakdown.
And then I expected to be...
LAUGHING: ..to be corrected when
I saw the snowman
be a thing of great beauty.
What I saw was a monstrous,
awful freak.
LAUGHTER
What I see there,
I see a creature in pain.
I see a Chernobyl snowman saying,
"Kill me, someone kill me."
I have no doubt that would
make my nieces cry.
Is their uncle a cab driver?
Oh, wow. I do love it,
Al, it's incredible.
Sara, what do you think
of Sara's snowman?
CHEERING
It's not snow!
It's frozen...
It's not snow! Yours isn't snow!
Yours is ice from a freezer.
Mine's closer to snow.
Ice cream is as close as ice is.
What, is there milk in clouds?
LAUGHTER
If it has evaporated,
enough of it, then yeah.
Well, arguably, the cows might spill
a bit of milk sometimes.
Yeah, arguably. Arguably.
Do you want to see Scoopy again?
Yes, I want to see Scoopy again,
he's lovely.
I think about him every day.
Aww.
ALL: Ohh!
Agh!
SARA GASPS
And you know what?
At the end of that VT, Scoopy was
still happier than Al's snowman.
Do you want, eh, a raisin?
No, I'm fine.
You're an inspiration, it was
a really lovely ice cream man.
Who's left?
It's Dave and Paul, I think we'll
see Dave first. Oh, dear.
LAUGHTER
Can I get a very large bucket...
and 200 packets of powdered potato?
OK.
So, yeah, as soon as you can,
please. Right, yeah, I'll hurry.
HE STRAINS
That's very good. Is that enough?
No, that's good.
The kettle is on, so if you could
start getting some boiling water.
Yeah, that's lovely, thank you.
I've got another one. Yeah, please.
I'll be honest - it's not as white
as I was hoping, it's quite yellow.
It's very yellow. Smells nice, Dave,
your snowman.
Do you think?
School dinners.
Let's try see what this looks like.
STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS
I'm actually quite happy with that.
It's coming on, isn't it?
Is there a hose anywhere?
Yes, there is. Is that connected?
Have you got the carrot?
Would you like me to get you the
carrot? I'd like the carrot, please.
AUDIENCE: Ahh.
WHISTLE BLOWS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm quite happy with that.
I mean, earlier in today's show,
I was a little concerned
about your literal interpretations
of some of the tasks.
Steps. The big step thing. Yeah.
You're back in the game, because
someone says, "Make a snowman,"
and you ask for mash.
Really nice. Thank you.
OK, after the break,
not only will we see something
that I'm looking forward to...
THEY ALL LAUGH
..more than I can tell you -
seeing Paul Chowdhry's attempt
at a snowman -
but all five will take to the stage
for the first live task
of the series. See you then.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome back
to the final part of the show.
It won't be long before we find out
who has to haul home
Rob's giant tortoise sundial
and Dave's chunky microwave.
But, first, weren't we about to
watch Paul do something?
Yes, we were.
They've all been building snowmen
out of marshmallows, potatoes
and ice cream,
but we're yet to see
Paul Chowdhry's attempt,
and he didn't use
any of those items.
Would you like to see what he used?
I mean...
genuinely more than anything. OK.
I guess, um, can you buy me...
a Slush Puppie?
What flavour?
Snow flavour.
Hi, Paul.
Ah! Got you a bag of ice,
two Slush Puppies and a white teddy.
Excellent.
OK, good luck. Finally.
That's a snowman-bear, innit?
THEY GIGGLE
How's that?
You see, the expression
and the tears
reflects what I'm going through
on the inside.
SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS
Bastard's crying, innit?
APPLAUSE
Right at the end, just...
as the final image of
a snowman was in place, he said,
"The bastard's crying, innit?"
Let's have a look at the bastard.
ROB: Oh, it's dark, mate, innit?
It's dark.
I'm starting to think
we shouldn't be laughing at Paul.
I've got so many questions
I want to ask you, Paul.
My first question is...
is everything all right?
Snowbear, innit?
It's not a bear! It's a rabbit.
It's a rabbit.
LAUGHING: It's a rabbit
with some ice on it!
That's not a bear, it's a rabbit.
It was... It was powerful, wasn't
it? In the room, we were moved.
I mean, it's incredible, look at it!
I like it, he used ice. Yeah.
I was about to say, and it's
something I've written down, Al -
thanks for backing Paul up -
he has used something cold
in his snowman,
which is one of the traditional
elements of a snowman,
it's built of a cold substance.
There you go.
So, in that regard...
well done.
And I'll go further.
If this was about artistry
and about creating something that
really moves people...
you'd have won this task.
However...
..we agreed some criteria.
And they were, you know,
it should be recognisable
as a snowman.
Traditionally, the snowman's
outdoors, like Dave's, for example.
Recognisable elements we agreed.
Traditional elements.
Traditional elements.
Like the scarf.
The carrot nose, which we provided.
The eyes.
And then scale.
We thought, you know,
when people are making a snowman,
they normally go for big.
"Oh, that's a big one!"
Bigger. Yeah. Yeah.
Who's in last place, Greg?
HE SIGHS
In fifth place, it's Paul Chowdhry.
Not artistically, mate - number one.
In fourth place, it's Rob, cos
it was made out of marshmallows.
Number three, Al... Oh, God!
I can't lose to that! In the drawer!
It don't look anything like
a snowman! Al's is monstrous.
Second place,
we're putting the ice cream, Sara.
And even though it wasn't
made out of cold stuff,
we think that Dave made
the best snowman.
There it is, it's done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How's that affected the scoreboard?
Well, it's tight.
It's tight at the top.
There's one point
separating the top two people.
There's three points
separating the top three.
And Paul's still in it,
so let's have a look. Al...
Al's in first place with 16 points.
There we go.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's near the end of the show but,
before we can find out our winner,
there's one more thing to do.
So, for the first time this series,
will you all please head
to the stage for the final task?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Looks like
all five of our contestants
have got some
lovely new friends there.
Rob, would you read out
the task, please?
Hi, Rob. Hi, mate. You all right?
You OK? Yeah, yeah, great.
I'm just going to crack on
with this, though.
"Balance your swedes on your Swede.
"Your Swede must remain
standing at all times.
"Your swedes may only balance
on the exterior of your Swede.
"Most swedes resting on a Swede
after 100 seconds wins."
A lot of "Swede" in that,
in't there?
So, in summary, as many swedes
on a Swede in the time allowed.
And the Swede has to be standing up?
The Swede must remain standing
at all times.
You can manipulate your Swede
in any other way.
And when Alex says
you can manipulate them
in any way you want...
Emotionally, leave them alone.
Good luck, everyone.
HE BLOWS HIS WHISTLE
Get sweding!
CHEERING
I'll take the swedes off.
Go on, Paul!
On the head. Early on the head.
CHEERING
Oh, my word.
You're going back, are you?
One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine...
12! 12.
How's it going, Rob? Not very well.
Keeps falling off, that one?
Also, having a lady is a bit of
a disadvantage on the old space...
20 seconds!
CHEERING
Oh, there's a lot there.
There's a lot there.
Yep.
It's respectable, it's respectable.
15 seconds left!
15 seconds!
Ten seconds!
After which you must step away.
Five seconds!
Four!
Three!
Two! One!
HE BLOWS HIS WHISTLE
CHEERING
Step away, step away.
Paul! Step away, step away.
You can step there. Just there.
Ladies and gentlemen,
with thanks to our regular, Fred,
and our London Swedes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
All of you come down, we'll see
how that affected the scores.
Well done, Fred.
Alex, how were they
at swede-on-Swede balancing?
Great question, great Swedes.
Lovely Swedes.
Well, Sara and Rob
found it awkward,
they both achieved eight Swedes.
Whoa. The same? Oh, that's good.
It's a reasonable amount of swedes
to get on a Swede.
It's an even number.
Then we've got Dave, 11 swedes.
Ooh! Uh-oh.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Paul Chowdhry, 14 swedes!
14 swedes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
But then Mr Al Murray
with 15 swedes!
15 swedes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you.
That must have affected
our final scores.
Don't get your hopes up, Paul.
Yes, the scores are in,
and our winner is...
Mr Al Murray!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So Al Murray is the first winner
of the series,
and the owner
of five flamboyant clocks.
Please, Al, head to the stage
to collect your prizes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So there we are,
another exciting series under way.
Thanks for your help, Alex.
Thanks for letting me help, Greg.
It's like Ant and Dec, isn't it?
What have we learned today?
Well, what we've learned today
is if you want
to scare your children,
just get Al Murray or Paul Chowdhry
to make them a snowman.
But, most importantly, despite that,
we found out that our winner
of Episode One of Series Three
of Taskmaster is Mr Al Murray!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, everybody. Good night!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Ericsson