Pørni (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Don't get a boyfriend, please! - full transcript

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She's your mother, and
she always will be.

I think she'll be happy that there
are adults around to take care of you

when she can't.

I'll pick you up in two hours,
if I don't hear anything.

Everything will
all be all right.

Okay?

You have 13 missed calls from
"Hanna, my favorite daughter."

She wrote that herself.

But you haven't changed it.

Are you sure I
shouldn't come with you?

- Yeah.
- Good luck, then.



You're brave and great. Okay?

- Hello?
- Hi.

- What's up with...
- Pørni, come home right now.

Hanna's a complete wreck.

SUCK IT UP

And he's hooked up with Maja,
who's a sophomore at Nissen.

A sophomore.

And everybody knew about it.
Everybody! And nobody said a thing.

And if I'd gone on
the trip to Hemsedal

instead of Sigrid's birthday,
I would've known, too.

Instead, I had to
read it on Jodel.

I just don't understand why
you're so upset about it.

Everybody knew that
Sander is a moron

when he didn't go to the hospital
with Emma, but he's Emma's boyfriend.



Are you retarded?

If she finds out, and
I'll have to tell her,

then she won't want to
go to Argentina with me.

She'll go with him to Bali
to do her pre-college courses

because she can't trust him.

And then the whole
year is fucked for me.

You could go alone.
Lots of people do that.

I went to France alone
when I was your age.

When you were young, there wasn't
any gang rape or party drugs.

No, honey, the year you've
spent here hasn't been wasted.

You've worked and saved
money for something you want,

and that's good when you
start looking for a job.

But that's the point! I
haven't saved any money.

You haven't saved any
money? In eight months?

I went on the Easter vacation
to Italy that Herman paid for,

and now he wants the money back,

but I didn't know the hotel
would cost 2,000 kroner a night.

Didn't you stay
in a youth hostel?

Yeah, we did at first,

but it was so creepy, and
everybody wanted to move,

and it wasn't a problem for Herman,
since he had his father's gold card.

I didn't realize it
was so expensive.

And now I owe him
for, like, 12 nights.

How much do you owe him?

Twenty-four thousand.

- And you've saved up how much?
- Thirteen and a half.

Mom, where are you going?

I can't talk to you right now

because I'm so mad at you I'd
say something really stupid.

Don't leave while I'm upset.

You made me come home from work
to tell me some idiotic story

about how you're upset because
Emma got ditched by her boyfriend,

but really you've just been on
a vacation you couldn't afford.

We'll talk about this,
but not right now.

- Pørni! Can I ask you something?
- Sure.

I really want you
to meet Stephen.

- Can I invite him to dinner?
- I'm at work now.

A boy is visiting his mom in prison,
and he hasn't seen her in two years!

Then I'm sure he can
wait four more minutes.

Of course we can have Stephen over,
but let's talk about it later, okay?

Mom!

I'm so alone...

Hi.

- How'd it go? What did she say?
- She said she was fine.

She asked me if I had any money,
and then she said goodbye.

Yeah, she's not too verbal, your
mom. They have a dog, you know.

Your foster family.
They've got a dog.

Cool.

- How was Madrid?
- It was good.

We slept together, which
was the point, of course.

For two minutes.

It was an expensive lay.
Really expensive hotel.

How's my beloved godchild?

You can adopt her
anytime you want.

Okay, now I'm stalking
Municipal-Bjørnar on Face.

He's cute.

He has twins, he's really pretty,
and he's 13 years younger than me.

Wow! That much younger?

This one guy I'm seeing is 27.

The stamina he's got...
I'm almost worn out.

It's like, four times a night.

- Four times in one night?
- Yeah.

The only thing I'm not sure of is
whether we're bacterially compatible.

- No!
- What was that?

- It hurts a little when I pee.
- Okay, thanks for sharing.

You need to get that checked.

Seriously. And if you have
something, it'll spread,

the way you're going.

- No, she uses a condom.
- She doesn't.

Oh, Christ... You know
who you remind me of?

You remind me of Anna Lena,
who I went to law school with.

She's a cat lady now.

She got lactose intolerant
and had to move to Nittedal,

and now she has
ten cats. Ten cats!

And you're on your way to
becoming... one of them!

- Raincoat and short hair.
- Jesus Christ!

- You have the exact same jacket.
- Yeah!

- It's true.
- It's exactly the same.

I don't get it. Is there
less lactose in Nittedal?

I'm just messing with you.

I'm just saying chlamydia
isn't so appealing at age 45.

Oh, God. What if
that's what it is?

If you don't use condoms,
it's obviously chlamydia.

Okay! I'll get my act together!

I know you don't have the nerve
to approach Municipal-Bjørnar,

but could you please get up
on the horse again, Pørni?

How would I do that?

Am I supposed to hang around Villa,
20 years older than everybody else?

Find a 52-year-old, then,
if that's so important.

And you don't have to
go out on the town.

I know someone you could
go on a blind date with.

A guaranteed lay. Newly-divorced
marching-band dad.

Forty-seven years old.
His name's Kjetil.

Three kids. Really
good conversationalist.

- Very fit.
- I couldn't handle that.

- Cabin up at Tjøme.
- No, I think his wife got that.

That's right.

Okay, but he's a
stomach surgeon.

- Stomach surgeon?
- Gastric surgeon.

They earn really good money.

- I'll set you up on a blind date.
- No, hold on, don't do that.

You have two good years left
when you can still get laid,

and you're throwing them away.

Is that the rule?

That at 47, nobody will
want to sleep with you?

- There's research.
- What kind of research?

Just ordinary research.

From Municipal-Bjørnar:
Are you ghosting me?

The kids are away. We could
pick up where we left off.

I've washed my pants.

Come on, Korsvoll!

- Where'd you get that?
- I won it.

Come on, boys! Move those legs!

Go Korsvoll!

Come on, Leo! You can do it!

Yes!

There's only one Leo Storli.

One Leo Storli.

There's only one Leo Storli.

Oh my God! Shit!

Get up.

- Why did you do that?
- I don't know.

There has to be a reason.

- I don't know.
- Are you angry about something?

Dad texted me.

He said he probably won't
go have to go to prison.

He said it like I should be
happy about it or something.

I wrote an angry reply.

I said I hoped he'd
get 20 years in prison,

and that he should have
died instead of Mom.

He's paralyzed.

I can't get mad at a
guy in a wheelchair.

Of course you can be
angry at your dad,

even if he's in a wheelchair.

You can be as angry as you want,
but when that guy has calmed down,

you need to call him and say
sorry for your moronic behavior.

- You can't say "moronic."
- Okay.

But I don't want you to use
the sad situation you're in

to legitimize such
retarded behavior.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't
say "retarded."

You look like Mom
when you're mad.

So do you, when you're mad.

And when you score.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Everything okay?
- He has to sit out a match or two.

I would have done the same if anyone
called my mom a handball whore.

What?

He must have thought
you were his mother.

I'll call back as
soon as possible.

Hi.

I just wanted to say that
Leo played a match today.

And they won 22-11.

But Leo...

Yeah.

He scored five goals.

Okay. Bye.

Hey, guys. If you spread out a
little more, it'll be easier.

From Municipal-Bjørnar:
I've jettisoned my pride,

and I'm asking again. Do
you want to meet tomorrow?

- I can't do it!
- I have to fix it.

Sigrid's crying
because she lost.

I may have been a little rough,
but could you go in and...

Yes! You just put them in
the ring and fix the mistake.

Calm down. It's just a game.

Sigrid, it's just a game. There's
no sense in losing your mind.

- She's a sore loser.
- Everybody here is a sore loser.

Leo? I've arranged for you
to visit your dad tomorrow.

Okay.

- I can drive you.
- Fine.

Good night.

I've been to all the TGI Friday's
and two Joe & The Juices,

but only boys work there.

Have you tried the
one at Gardermoen?

No, it's 40 minutes by train
plus the subway to the city.

Yeah, so what?

It's so cringe when
you speak English.

My point is that you've
tried two restaurant chains.

You haven't tried supermarkets
or other after-school programs.

What about retirement homes?

Why are you focusing
on two restaurants?

Because I'm good at
working with people.

There are people in
retirement homes too.

And the pay's good if you
work evenings and nights.

I'm so sick of you talking
to me like I'm 12 years old.

I'm actually old enough to vote.

And you forgot to in
the last election.

And when they call from AKS,
you're too hungover to take shifts.

I'll treat you like an
adult when you act like one.

Everybody else gets
jobs from their parents!

It's really hard to get
a job without experience.

And you can't get
experience without a job.

Congratulations on being 45
and having fucking everything.

Don't leave in the
middle of a conversation!

Hey! Hanna!

Mom, I'm psychologically
exhausted and need to lie down.

I think I'm getting ME.

- If you get ME, you're moving out.
- I can't move out if I have ME!

We're a little alike, you
know. We're both hot-headed.

It might be smart not to act
on absolutely every feeling.

You'll just feel
stupid afterwards.

I called and apologized to
that Aurskog-Øland asshole.

Sure, and that's great, but Bror
told me what he said about me,

or about your mom.

It would be good to not be as
easily offended as Zinedine Zidane.

You don't have to...

- It's okay to ignore certain things.
- Are you speaking symbolically?

Am I easily offended

just because I think it sucks
that my dad killed my mom?

No, I'm not talking symbolically,
I'm talking about the handball game.

The thing with your dad is
a little more complicated.

- Should I go with you?
- No, I'll handle this alone.

Tell him you had a song
on the radio contest.

That will make him proud.
I'm very proud of you.

By the way, I don't agree with
the Zinedine Zidane business.

Boys who defend their mothers
are nice to other girls too.

That's what I've read.

Hi.

Hi.

- Hi, it's me.
- Hi, you.

I thought you'd blocked me.

No. I just wanted let you know
that I can take that beer today.

Yeah, okay.

- If you want to.
- Yeah.

I've got something else going on now.
I'm watching the game at Pokalen.

When you didn't answer,
I took it as a hint.

Okay, yeah. I'm sorry, things
have just been kind of hectic.

But if it's okay with you, maybe
I could join you at Pokalen?

Yeah, sure. I'm going with the
new lawyer, the one at work.

She doesn't know
many people. Therese.

But it's great if
you can come too.

No, we can have a
beer another time.

I don't want to get in
the way of anything.

No, it's not like that,
it's just a soccer match.

Have fun. We'll talk
later. Okay, bye.

From Municipal-Bjørnar:
What just happened?

I'm old and ugly, and my
tits are too long for you.

No worries! Have fun!

I need a little
confidence boost.

Think the stomach surgeon wants
to go out for a beer tonight?

Yes, he's been asking
about it every day!

Mom, are you ready?
Aren't you leaving soon?

- I'm putting on my make-up, Hanna.
- But I have to pee!

- Go upstairs.
- Leo's up there.

I'm putting my make-up on.
Just wait until he's done.

By the way, I can start working
at McDonald's next week.

- That's great.
- But it sucks. I'm a vegetarian.

- No, you're not.
- But I'm becoming one.

Okay, good luck with that.

From Astrid: Help yourself
to the buffet. Good luck!

To Municipal-Bjørnar: Sorry for
just hanging up. See you at work!

Okay, you two. I'm out of here.

What's happened here?
Did you clean up?

You look great. You
don't look old at all.

Why are there candles burning?

Do you think I'll pay your
debt to Herman or something?

What are you talking about?
I'm babysitting Sigrid.

I work hard for the 120
kroner I get per hour.

I've cleaned, emptied the dishwasher
and started a load of laundry.

You look really pretty. You should
wear that lipstick all the time.

- I scrubbed the stove.
- No, you didn't.

You want me to contribute more.

Go out and meet your "girlfriends"
and take them by storm.

- Please don't get a boyfriend.
- No!

Of course I'm not going
to get a boyfriend.

I'm just going out for a
beer. Can't you rent a movie?

On iTunes. Grandpa is on a
camping trip with Stephen,

so call me if you need anything,
or even better, don't call me.

Bye. Have fun!

- When are they coming?
- If you tell Mom, I'm not paying you.

I'm not a snitch.

I work hard for my pay too.

You can always find
time to exercise.

What Silje and I did,
when we were together,

was after everybody had gone to
bed, I put the bike in the car

and drove down to the
hospital, left the bike there

and ran to the hospital the next
day. That's about an hour and a half.

Silje took the kids in the morning,
and I biked home from work.

Then there was homework,
dinner and the marching band.

And then up again to Sognsvann.

The length of Sognsvann.
Four lengths, or five.

Intervals if possible, 30-30,
while Silje put the kids to bed.

Then I went back home,
everyone went to bed,

and I drove the bike
to the hospital.

Same thing the next morning.

Except on Sundays, which
are for restoration.

Proper nutrition, you
know. Building yourself up.

Now it's just every other week,
but in the even-numbered weeks

I actually work out
even more, so...

- It's possible.
- Yeah.

Is it stressful?
Or is it worth it?

Worth it? What, are you
crazy? Just imagine.

The Norseman, for instance. They say
it's the world's hardest triathlon.

When you take 43rd place

after having placed
81st in the biking...

You've overtaken 38 guys
just in the running.

The feeling when you
cross the finish line...

It's just...

It's pure euphoria.

How long does that last?

It lasts for at least

four minutes. Or let's say two.

Right.

Then you start thinking
about the next year.

What about you?

What about you and
exercise? Do you work out?

I haven't worked out much lately
because I had a little knee surgery,

but I do enjoy going
skiing in the winter and...

- What do you do in the winter?
- Winter triathlons.

Right.

- Should we order more drinks?
- I could have another.

Right. We'll take
two more, then.

That wasn't why we got divorced.
Silje loved to work out, but...

When you're putting your hand up
people's anuses year after year,

you don't have the energy to
get into your wife's pants.

I'm just kidding. Humor is
important in my line of work.

How about we just get a taxi
and go to your place and screw?

Yeah.

Can we get the check?

I'll just go get it.

I tried to, like, get out of it.

But it's impolite to refuse.
I learned that from you.

You have to include everyone.
You understand my dilemma?

In a way, it was a moral dilemma,
and a question of social class.

Should I have thrown out people
from the east side or the west side?

And then the neighbor starts to
chew me out because we woke his dog.

Did you come home just now?

No. I went out to...
water the grass.

Aren't you going to yell at me?

Say something, Pørni!

I get scared when
you don't yell at me!

What's happened to you?
You look totally wrecked.

That'll be 2,750, divided by
two, and I didn't have dessert,

so if you pay me 1,500,
we'll be even-steven.

From Municipal-Bjørnar: Open
bar at my place! Please come!

Aren't you going to yell at me?

Mom!

First you want to come
along, then you don't.

I don't understand this at all!

I'll send you the
bill for the cab fare.

If I knew it would be
like this, I'd have biked.

Yell at me, Mom. Please!

I'm hungry.

Hello?

Sorry. I have to keep it on.

Yeah, okay. I'm just going
to... I've opened it.

I'll put it on again. There.

- This has to come off.
- Okay.

- I'll take the job at McDonald's.
- Can I have pancakes for breakfast?

Won't you scold me?

Yell at me. You're scaring me.

Go make Sigrid
pancakes for breakfast.

Clean up, and we'll
forget all this, okay?

And I'll pay what you owe Herman.
I'm getting money back on my taxes.

Can I have chocolate milk too?

Yes! Fuck!

Watch your language.

Tough one.

- Drop the bra next time.
- No.

My boobs are too long.

Show me a man in this world
who doesn't love long boobs.

From Municipal-Bjørnar:
What's not to love!

Hi!

How did it go? Did
you pass in math?

- I got a 4 in math.
- What?

That's amazing. You'll get
into Katta, if you want.

I'm not sure I want to. I
don't really fit in there.

You can do whatever you want to,
but I think you'd like it there.

Can't you visit the school?

I know the guidance counselor
there, so I can come with you.

Yeah, okay.

I'm so proud of you.

A 4 in math!

You'd never have believed that
when you met me five years ago.

Sure I would.

I hope you're really
proud of yourself too?

You realize you've done
this all by yourself, right?

I know that all this

is just a job for you, but
if it hadn't been for you...

Anyway...

Should we go and visit
your new foster parents?