Please Like Me (2013–2016): Season 3, Episode 5 - Coq Au Vin - full transcript

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-(clucking)
-(crows)
-Oh, no. -(crowing continues)
-Adele's a rooster. Adele is a man.
-Oh, I can't deal with it today.
She can just be a girl for another day.
-(door clattering) -ugh. Hello?
-Ugh. So, thanks for picking me up, you dicks!
-(door slams) -the taxi driver kept calling me "princess"
And he sang "a whole new world" to me.
-Arnold and I are coming down.
We took drugs. Tom broke his wrist.
It was all very exciting.
-God, it's not a whole new world, is it?
Only difference now is that I've got no money.
It's nice to finally meet you, arnold.
-You're very pretty.
-Yeah, okay.
* one, two *
* one, two, three, four *
* ooh-ooh-ooh *
* yeah, I'll be fine, yeah, yeah *
* ooh-ooh-ooh *
* oh, yeah, here *
* oh, the good lord knows it *
* ooh-ooh-ooh *
* oh, the good lord knows it *
* ooh-ooh-ooh *
* I left better behind to be fine *
* yeah, yeah, fine *
* make my mama turn another blind eye *
* yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah *
* I left better behind to be fine *
-(crows)
-(clucking)
-Why won't she learn?
-Maybe she has all the answers and just can't get it out.
-No, I don't think so.
I'm pretty sure she's just...
She's yelling, "I'm a fuckin' dude!
"I'm a fuckin' dude!
Wake up, everybody, and check out my mohawk!"
-(adele crows) -okay.
I'm sectioning off this bit of the cast.
This is my bit, okay?
Everyone else can be boring in their section,
But this is mine.
I own it, okay?
-Yes, it's yours.
So, I'm going to write your dreams in it.
Tell me your dreams.
-I don't really have any dreams.
-What are your dreams, thomas?
-Lately, I've been thinking about how I really want
To go on a water jetpack.
-Water...
Jetpack.
I am writing it down because I believe that
It's a legitimate dream.
But they can't all be this silly, okay?
-Okay.
-Okay. Next dream?
-I don't know.
I just-- I don't have any dreams worth
-If you can't be real about this, tom,
Is going to be left blank, and everybody's going to think
That you just don't have enough
Friends to fill a cast.
So, it would be a shame, wouldn't it?
We'll continue this tomorrow.
-So I think I'm in love with adele,
The transgender chicken.
-Yeah? Yeah, I am just so in love with her.
-Claire: What are our options?
-Josh: We can take her back to the farm.
They will kill her, but we do get a refund.
$15, which we'll probably use to buy a roast chicken.
-Delicious. -Mm-hmm.
Or we can google how to kill her humanely,
Kill her and eat her.
-Do you think we could even enjoy eating her?
-No. No, we'd all just be so sad.
-Well, you've always said that you wanted to raise
Your own meat. You always pontificated
About how disconnected society is from meat.
-Did I? Was that me?
Like "meat is so pre-packaged and neat, but meat isn't neat.
"meat is messy, and you think it's noble
To kill and eat your own meat."
-Yeah, but not adele.
Adele is such a babe.
-I think that she's had a better life than most
Of the chickens we've eaten, so I think it's okay.
I think it is just okay that we eat her.
I've really been pontificating about it for years.
Hey.
-Arnold, I think we're gonna eat adele.
-Yeah.
-It's not right.
She doesn't have to die just because she was born a man.
It's like china, but in reverse.
-If we want to eat her on Sunday, then we're going to
Have to kill her on Saturday.
-What?! -Oh, tom.
Um, we have some bad news.
-No, no, no, no, no, no. -It's the best thing we can do.
-No! -Yes.
-I'm out. -Can't be out.
-Can't we just get her desexed?
-No, that's not a thing.
-You're not killing adele.
-It's time to put on
Your big boy pants and kill adele.
-Tom, if we don't kill adele, then a stranger will kill adele,
And we can't let a stranger kill adele.
I wouldn't want you to let a stranger kill me.
-You can't kill adele in front of shakira and beyoncé.
I don't want shakira and beyoncé to live in fear.
-We'll need a cone to stop her from running around.
You and ella can go heist a traffic cone.
-Big boy pants time.
-Whatever.
-Don't you dare give me a job.
-Okay. Claire, we're going to build an isolation cage.
-An isolation cage?
-Um, we need to isolate adele for 24 hours before we kill her
So that she doesn't eat.
-Aw, that's not a very fun job.
-(laughs)
I don't have a chance with you.
-Yeah, we should even things up.
I should be handicapped or something, right?
-I'll get the axe. -(rose laughs at stuart)
Like, I don't just think it's awful 'cause it's my mum.
-What do you think of my orchid?
-Good things.
It's a-- it's a good orchid.
-My psychiatrist makes me keep it so I learn to trust myself.
-Orchids are very hardy actually, hannah.
They do very well on their own in the wild.
-Maybe I should just release it.
-Josh: I killed an orchid once.
-Did it learn to help you trust yourself?
-No.
-I thought you might bring claire for a visit.
-No. Um, she is... She's jet-lagged.
She's all jet-lagged.
-They say it takes four times as long
For the soul to reach the same destination as the body.
So, when you arrive at your destination,
Your soul takes days to catch up.
-What a lovely thought.
-Is that a lovely thought?
Is it lovely to imagine claire's soul drifting
All alone across the ocean?
-Don't be sarcastic, joshy.
-He's okay.
He's just testing the boundaries.
Two men in the house and all that.
-(scoffs)
No.
Stuart, honestly...
You...
Feel free to inhabit all the boundaries.
-I chose a dog from the pound once.
Called it dipstick.
And on the way home from the pound,
Dipstick jumped off my lap, out the open window
And under an oncoming truck,
And dad just kept driving.
We never spoke of it again.
-(crows)
-Remember when we were high on mdma
And ella asked us about monogamy?
-Yes.
-I just...
I've always thought monogamy was archaic.
Like an unnecessary pressure on relationships?
-You want to go and have sex with other boys?
-I really like sex.
I think that's okay. You like sex.
Sex is fun, and as long as we're smart and safe,
It's, like, negligible risk.
Can you tell me what you're thinking?
I think this sounds like a shit deal for me,
You going off and having fun sex with other boys.
-It's only if we're out of town or whatever, and I would never
Replace time with you for time with another boy.
-Is it 'cause you're going on maths summit?
Is that why?
-This a pre-maths summit chat? -No.
-What if you go off and have some sex
With some maths genius and then you fall in love
-I'm not going to fall in love with a maths genius.
-All I know is that a squared plus b squared equals c squared.
Is that even good?
-Honestly, whether we're open or not, it isn't going to
Protect you from me falling in love
With some maths genius.
If I find someone better than you,
Then that's just tough.
-I don't know!
Can you give me an example? An example of a dream?
-Okay, so I would like
Who makes all the students realize that hip hop is the same
Same as poetry, and then they rap shakespeare
-Yeah, that's good. Put that down.
-No, you can't have my dream!
-Sometimes I fantasize about being a hero...
In a plane crash or a fire...
But then that seems like a selfish dream
Because that means people have to get hurt
Just so I can feel tough.
-Okay, I'll just write "be masculine."
-Not that!
So we've got water jetpack, being able to eat bread,
And feeling masculine.
-Yeah, I'm quite happy with that, actually.
-Why are there two orchids?
-Rose: Oh!
I'm going to join you in the orchid task.
-No.
-No, this is not a team building exercise.
-Oh.
-It's a phalionopsis bloom.
-It's even the same as mine.
-Yeah, it's the same flower.
What, you don't even know the name of your own orchid?
-It's michael. -Oh.
-Is ella staying over again again?
-I just have no idea what's going on.
-Maybe. Or maybe she just likes tom.
-You couldn't have told me that tom has got another annoying girlfriend?
-Oh, come on. She's all right.
-She's exhausting.
Let's go skipping at the beach and have breakfast at midnight.
-Not exactly a new way to be, is it?
-Ella: I can hear you. -(gasps)
It's just that there aren't any doors between where you are
And where I was, and I have ears.
-I'm so sorry. -No...
-No, it's fine. Really.
-You see?
It's like watching a disney princess trying
To make it in the modern world--
-Ella: What the actual hell?
I can still hear you with my ears.
-Claire: Sorry!
-(door slams shut)
-(crows)
-Okay, so you know when you were a kid
And marry a girl and have kids and how you wanted that?
-No. I never wanted kids.
I resented even being a child. -(chuckles)
And then you slowly realized that wasn't possible
And everything you'd imagined for your future just fell away?
-Yes, okay.
-Well, now we get to make our own rules.
Monogamy is like the big foot of adult life.
Everyone claims to know someone who knew someone
Who knew a couple that did it successfully,
But it doesn't exist.
-Okay, I agree.
-I just-- I never want us to wake up next to each other
And think, "ugh, you again."
-Yes, okay.
I heard you and I said I agreed.
-Okay, good. -Okay.
-(sighs)
Josh?
Josh?
Claire?
Guys?
-(clucks) -hey. Hey, adele.
It's all right.
Yes, adele, I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry, it's just really gross
To eat you if you've already eaten, okay?
I'm sorry.
Try harder climbing the food chain.
-Ella's refusing to come over anymore.
-You two really fucked me.
I had a tiny light of happiness, and you stamped it out.
-She's not coming to either eat or kill adele anymore thanks to you.
-How long do you think you're going to be angry like this for?
-At least three more minutes.
-Can we just skip it?
-I want something as an apology.
-What do you want?
-Chocolate mousse.
-Okay, we'll make you chocolate mousse.
-Tom: Good. Thank you.
-Oh, tom, josh has agreed
To an open relationship with arnold.
-Oh my god! Yes!
-No, I don't know. I don't know if high five.
-I wonder if ella would want an open relationship.
She's cool. She's so cool.
-Urgh, okay, I'm going back inside.
I promise I will text ella
And I will be incredibly nice to her.
I will be so nice.
-Is it just me, or is claire... -Josh: No.
-...Being crazy about ella?
-No, she is not in love with you.
-Everyone wants my d. It is exhausting, am I right?
-No. -Tom: I'm right!
-Nobody wants it. -(chuckles)
-Hey, lady.
Hey, lady. -(clucks)
-Oh, I got rid of your shower gel
'cause josh told me that those plastic microbeads
Are getting into the fish gills.
-(refrigerator door closes)
-Tea always makes me feel better, michael.
-What did you do today?
-I spent most of the day hating claire.
She sounded so hateful.
It made me feel so frivolous.
-Yeah, she's been weird since she got back.
She's usually not awful.
-And then I read about slaves.
The world is broken, tom.
Do you know there are more slaves now than ever?
21 million.
And they make things we buy.
Like, we directly fund it all the time.
-Yeah, I know.
-Do you care? -Yeah!
I buy fair trade chocolate.
I like that it tastes less like poor people's tears.
I thought, "this won't do," and then ten minutes later,
I moved onto looking at claire's facebook page and hating her.
Then she accepted my friend request,
So I moved on and spent half an hour looking
At viral marketing videos aimed at women,
Telling women they're beautiful just the way they are
And then trying to sell them concealer or yogurt.
Why do they only sell yogurt to women?
Like, men eat yogurt.
My dad, he loves yogurt.
-I like yogurt. -Gay.
-(chuckles) -I signed an online petition
Trying to give women
In saudi arabia the right to drive.
So, don't worry tom, that's sorted. Fixed that.
Between hermione and me, feminism's basically fixed.
-Yeah. Good job.
Thinking that I was helping solve the world's issues.
But I wasn't, was I?
I didn't achieve anything.
Kony never seemed bothered.
I was just jerking off my soul,
Trying to glean a smug self-satisfaction
From other people's pain.
I convinced myself that I was doing good,
But really, I was just using other people's pain
As an accessory to make me look cool and nice,
Trying to convince myself and the world that
I'm a better person than claire.
Do you think I'm just the worst?
Using the world's problems to make me feel better
About a mean thing that a pretty girl said?
-Um, I don't think you're the worst.
I think you're the best.
Like custard.
-I mean, I just don't know what to think.
Maybe it helped.
In a democracy, if you want change,
You have to change people's minds,
And people look at the internet.
-People like cats now.
-Fuck cats.
After all that, claire called and she sounded pretty,
And she invited me to come and kill adele,
Which was nice, and I pretended not to care
Care about the fact that she used disney against me.
-Okay, um...
You know that you're, like, so pretty, right?
I-- I would bang every disney princess.
-Nala? You want to bang nala?
-Not nala. Only humans!
-So you wouldn't bang little mermaid
When she was a mermaid?
-Well, obviously I'd bang ariel.
-Oh, I hate the fact that I'm more annoyed about it
Because she's pretty.
That shouldn't matter.
-Hey, baby.
I was going to feed adele a bit of octopus,
But I'm not allowed to. It's against the rules.
-Octopus is, like, the most intelligent creature on earth.
You can't feed it to a chicken.
That'd be like letting pitbull eat nietzsche.
-Dog breed or the singer?
-Does it matter?
-It's just I've fallen deeply in love with this little lady.
-Are you ready to come inside now?
-She just looks so lonely.
-Yeah, you put her in an isolation cage.
-(crows)
-Hey...
(whispering)
-So this is... This is still happening?
-Yeah.
That you haven't realized that this is insane,
And usually you would have realized by now.
-Claire: Okay, so there's two ways that we can do this.
We either just cut her head clean off
Or we stick in the knife
And then we just cut the jugular.
Uh, the jugular way is better.
Um, only if you do it right, though,
I think that we should just cut her head right off.
-Okay, everyone heard that, yeah?
-Tommy, I need you to hold the cone.
-I don't think I can, actually. -I can hold it
Adele, you're being such a trouper.
-Okay.
-Fuck!
-Okay.
Okay... We love meat, yeah?
-We love meat. Circle of life.
Hakuna matata, yeah?
Yeah? Tom?
-Yeah.
-Okay.
-Claire: Josh, it's time, yeah?
-Adele, adele...
No. No.
-Well, do it or take her out of the thing!
-Yes.
-Okay, okay...
-Here we go.
No!
-Do it, josh! -Tom: Josh, just do it!
-No. Actually, no thank you.
Yeah, not today. No thanks.
-Okay, fine. -Yeah.
-(grunts)
-(wings flapping) -she's not dead. She's not dead!
-She's dead, okay? She's just twitching.
She doesn't have a head. She's not feeling anything.
You did it. Hey, great job. We did it. Hey.
I'll take adele, yeah?
That is... Can you get me something to wipe the blood on?
-On it, on it.
-Claire: Thanks.
(breathes heavily)
* doo wop wop wop wop *
* bop doo wop wop wop wop *
* bop doo wop wop wop wop *
* bop doo wop wop wop wop *
* bop doo wop *
-Your orchid's leaves are going yellow, hannah.
-Is that bad? I thought it was cute.
-Oh, you've just overwatered it.
-Told you they thrived on neglect, didn't I?
-I've failed michael.
It's a good thing I'm never going to be a parent.
-What, never?
-Never ever.
-That's a shame, with those hips.
-You think it's a shame I'm not having kids
Because my hips are large?
-Yeah, you got hips for australia. -Oh, my god.
-No use for 'em.
-Wow, it is a shame, isn't it?
It's like my-- my hormones pulled a real swifty.
They thought, "let's make this one
Into the ultimate baby carrying vessel,"
Then they gave me absolutely no desire to make one,
As if they think I'm going to get pregnant in the desert.
-Like a camel. -Oh, come on.
-Yeah, whoever put me together didn't budget, did they?
I'm a walking graph of the distribution of wealth, aren't I?
All the poor people. Donald trump.
-Hold on, hannah.
It wasn't my intention to upset you.
-Oh, don't be so modest, stuart.
You meant it.
You just didn't expect that I'd retaliate.
You know, usually, sprinkle a little shame,
And a woman will wilt.
-Come on, hannah. He said he didn't mean it.
-Why are you defending him?
-I'm trying to be neutral.
-Just settle down.
It was just an observation.
Didn't know you'd be so sensitive, did I?
Didn't know you wanted kids.
-I don't want children.
What is want is you not to think about it.
It's none of your business.
Do you go up to people in wheelchairs and just say,
"'oh, you should get a desk job. You've got half the furniture."
-Claire: Okay, I've got something I want to say
And I don't want you to make fun.
-Okay.
-Um, I've been... Very lonely.
-Okay, not fun.
Not fun.
-No. Um...
I actually went three days and I only spoke to one person,
And it was the woman who owned the fruit shop,
And she asked me what I was wanted to cook,
And then called me "liebling," and I was so happy
For the entire night because someone
Who who didn't want to fuck me called me a nice name.
And so, I went back every week and bought vegetables
Throw the vegetables away away because I had no one to cook them for.
-Okay. I do not know what you want me to say
If I'm not allowed to make fun of that.
-I just don't understand how it was shit.
Like, how was moving to europe to work a bad plan?
It's a plan that interesting people make.
-Is it? Or is it a choice people pretend is interesting
When on the phone to their parents?
-Can you just shut up and indulge me?
Just indulge me for like five minutes?
-No.
No, we don't indulge each other.
I'm not indulging. No.
-You're not going to indulge me? -No.
-Okay, fine. Great. Run's over then.
-All right.
-Wait! No.
-No? -Um, guess what?
-Um, you are moving to germany?
-No, I'm pregnant in my belly.
There is a human forming in my belly,
And I have to get an abortion, obviously and I refuse
To feel bad about it because they are
Just cells, and every time they decide
To multiply, they are making a horrible decision
And they need to be stopped.
-Okay, right.
Fuck.
-Yeah.
We aren't telling anyone else about this.
I need someone to go to the clinic with,
And you're the best that I have.
-Yeah.
Sure. Whatever you like.
-Okay. -Yeah.
-Well, that's done.
-Yeah.
-All right, I told you, so...
-We're still running? -Yep!
-Oh.
-(both clucking)
-Josh: Okay, should we, um...
Should we, like, say something, you know?
-Grace? -Yeah, let's say grace.
-No. We don't say grace.
-We don't say grace.
-Maybe we can just hold hands and say thank you for adele.
-No, actually it's just holding hands and saying thank you for adele, not grace.
Uh, thank you, adele, for giving up your life so that we can continue ours.
-Well, she hardly gave it up. You stuffed her in a cone.
-Okay.
-Let's say nice things about her.
I liked how friendly she always was.
-No, don't remind me she was friendly.
-(sighs)
* I heard *
* that you settled down *
* that you found a girl and you're *
-Tom and ella: * married now *
* I heard that your *
-All: * dreams came true *
* guess she gave you things I couldn't give to you *
* old friend, why are you so shy? *
* ain't like you to hold back *
* or hide from the light *
* I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited *
* but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it *
* I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded *
* that for me, it isn't over *
* never mind, I'll find someone like you *
* I wish nothing but the best for you, too *
* don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said *
* sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead *
* sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead *
-(silverware clinking)