Please Like Me (2013–2016): Season 3, Episode 4 - Natural Spring Water - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
-Did you swallow it? -Yeah, I swallowed it.
-It's in my tummy. -I'm sick of you just swallowing things all the time.
-Yeah, now it's in, you're just like pressuring us like a time bomb.
-No, don't put this on me, okay? You do what you like.
-It's all making our own individual choices about recreational drugs.
-Of course we have to do it now, what else would we do?
-Yeah, just sit around watching you be high?
-You'll embarrass yourself.
-You will. You will. You'll be there writhing around in ecstasy,
Making out with the sofa cushions.
-I'm a bit worried that you think making out with sofa cushions is a big part
Of what's about to happen.
-Just do it, arnold. Go.
If you want.
-Will you guys think I'm not cool, if I don't do it?
-I don't think there's any chance of anyone in this room
Being cooler than any one else in this room.
-Whatever. You know you're the coolest one in the group.
-What? No, I'm not.
I just wanted to see if you'd agree if I said it out loud.
-Okay, I can do this. We're young. We're hot.
-You've got your whole life ahead of you to get back on track.
-I don't know what my regrets will be when I'm 93.
It could be taking this pill, it could be not taking this pill.
-I'm not losing control. I'm taking control.
Taking control of being a real fun, party guy.
-Yeah! -It's stuck.
-Gosh, get him something. -How can it be stuck?
-I was just taking pills. -Water. Drink the water.
-That's not water.
-Not water. -Oh, yeah. That's old riesling.
I'm sorry.
-Is it down? -It's down.
How long till it kicks in?
-Or-- or-- or, because you have the build of a sparrow, maybe faster.
Yeah.
-You all right, buddy? -Oh, no! Can't touch him while he's freaking out.
-Can't touch him when he's relaxed. Can't touch him when he's freaking out.
-When can I touch him? -I'm fine.
-What do we do now?
-I think we just wait.
-So the main risk with mdma, apart from being sold something dodge,
-I thought the main risk was that it would just make me too good at dancing.
Okay, fine, we'll drink some water.
-It's not that easy. -Why?
-People sometimes drown because they know they have to drink water and they drink too much.
-They drown? -Yeah.
They drown!
-Okay, then we'll take a little bottle and we can track our intake.
-What if it gives me an erection?
-It won't.
-Not really our problem, is it?
-Ship in the harbor is safe, that's not what ships are built for.
-Oh, god, arnold. Um, hey.
They're nice shoes. -Thanks--
-Thank you. -Where did you get them?
-A store. -What store?
-My mum bought them. -What color are they?
-I'm trying to make him conscious of his reality, so he steps out of his panic.
-They're brown. -I googled it. I do not think it's going to work.
-It won't. I always know what people are trying to do and it just makes me panic more.
-Arnold, on a scale of one to ten, how elastic is josh's face?
-Nine. -Oh.
-One being quite firm, ten being, like a deflated balloon.
-Nine. Very elastic. Very elastic face.
-What do you think about tom's chest hair?
-It's fine. -You don't think it's patchy?
-Sure, but it's fine.
-But my face isn't fine?
-It's fine. I like your face. I think you're hot.
Just very elastic.
-Like an expensive cheese.
-Or like a cheap cheese.
Or like benjamin button in his weird phase.
-Okay, so some people die when they take drugs like this because they're allergic,
But some people die when they eat peanuts, so that's not my major concern.
I'm gonna get us bottles of water.
-Is he okay?
-I think he's just going to be fine. How are you?
-I am so terrified.
I'm just so terrified!
-Oh, my god, yes. This is-- I'm just so happy, warm.
Oh, lord, okay. We have to...
-So I just quickly want to say...
Josh, I really appreciate your friendship.
-Yeah, that was very good. Okay, can we do this all the time?
-Arnold. So happy to have you in our lives,
And that you make my friend happy.
-Oh, my god, yes. Tom, I'm just so happy.
-Yeah, and josh, I'm going to call your dad.
-You know, I feel like we've bonded and I'm worried about him--
-Yeah, we should check on him.
-You know, in a way, I feel like he's calling me.
-No, arnold. Tom's not being nice to my dad. He's teasing my dad.
-No, I'm-- I am not sure.
-My god, guys, you should run your hands through your hair.
It feels like a million tiny masseuses just going at it on your head.
-Who is that? -Ignore.
-No, I don't think we should. It could be an emergency.
-Please, can we ignore it?
No.
Hello.
-Mae, it's tom.
-Oh, it's tom.
-Tom? -Yeah.
-Oh, shit. Something must be up. -See.
-Hi, tom. This is alan.
-Tom. -Yeah, hi. What's wrong?
-Nothing. Nothing. Everything is great.
-Oh, okay. Well, hi. Why did you call?
-Why did I call? -Yeah.
-Um, just-- just checking on you.
-Oh, that's nice of you.
-It is nice of me, isn't it?
-Yeah. Look, I'm just with mae at the moment.
We're really sorting things out, so I better get back, okay?
-Okay. Bye-bye. -Bye.
Oh!
-Oh, my god, guys.
Let's go out.
We need to show you off to the world like the royal baby.
Yeah, I know being kicked out of home would've been really hard,
But we're so happy to have you, you know.
-Good things always come out of bad things. Always, always.
-I just really feel like, together we've created a lovely little household.
-I wish we could just fly there. Imagine if we all flew there in a pack
And then everyone knew about it, but we would just be really humble.
-This is brilliant.
-It's so good.
-Hey, guys. Watch this.
-Oh, yeah.
-So talented.
-Oh, okay, you're making out.
That's good. You should do that.
-Hi, I'm ella.
-Tom. Josh. Arnold.
We're taking mdma for the first time.
-Fun!
I'm here with work friends.
They keep talking about crossfit.
-Yuck. I don't do any exercise ever.
-Good. -Have you ever done mdma?
-Yes. Yes, I have.
-What do you think should be our next adventure?
-Let's go for a run.
-What? -You have to run.
-I have to go. I'm very busy.
-Ella, ella, come back. -Shit. Shit.
-Tom, babe, hi.
Can you do me a favor? -Yeah?
-Don't look at your arm. Okay?
-Oh, no, josh! -That's tom.
-Oh, no, tom. Did you hit your head?
-Yeah. -Okay.
-We should call an ambulance because a guy that I knew hit his head once
And he thought it was nothing, and then his brain swelled and he died.
-Also we should call an ambulance 'cause tom's arm is not pointing the right way.
-Oh, no. -How did you fall?
The ground was there and then it wasn't there anymore.
-It looked like a giraffe being tranquilized.
-What should I do?
-Kiss me. You should kiss me.
-Hi, my friend, his arm's not facing the right way and he hit his head.
He's josh's best friend, but he's my friend as well.
-So, how is everybody doing?
-Tom keeps holding my hand.
-Why are you holding arnold's hand, tom?
-Are you okay with that, arnold? -Yeah.
-Thank you so much for driving us, evan.
-Yeah, thanks for driving us, evan.
-No. -Aw. Does that talk to the hospital?
Attention hospital, very important. Evan is hot.
-Sorry about that. That was a passenger mucking about. Over.
-Oh, my god, what are you doing?
-I'm so sorry. Was I really bad?
-Very bad. -Oh, no, why'd I do that?
I'm so sorry, evan. I'm so sorry. -It's fine.
-Oh, and evan, I bet everyone's just always bringing up your looks.
-Why did you laugh? Is he right?
-So right. -He's beautiful.
-You have some cheap nickname for him, like in grey's anatomy?
-No, that'd be good though, wouldn't it, evan?
-Not good.
-Yeah, like "the face." -yeah.
Evan, from now on we're going to call you "the face."
-Aw, that's not okay though, 'cause clearly evan is a very talented medical professional.
I'm sure he's sick to bloody death
Of everyone always talking about his perfect face.
Are you?
-Forget it. -Evan?
Have I upset the face?
-Aw, he's so handsome when he's sad.
-Oh, josh, no, that's objectifying him. That's not okay.
-Yeah, sorry for objectifying you, face.
-I hereby name you "big heart."
-Hey, arnold, josh said you were heaps smart.
Say something smart. -Did you say I was smart?
-Book smart, not like, street smarts, okay. He can't use an iron.
-Can you time travel? -Can I time travel?
-Oh, me, like, do you know how?
-Um, okay.
The first thing you need to understand when you're talking about time travel is that...
-Here we go. -...Everything is moving at different speeds
Like a constant speed in time and space
Relative to something else, okay?
-No, everything in the universe is moving at all sorts of different speeds,
And the faster and faster you go, the more time slows down.
-Well, it's relative. -Relative, like, your mum,
Who's someone I had sex with? -Boom.
-No, to the earth's rotation.
If you increase your velocity, like if you get in a plane,
Or if I chase you... -Chase me now.
-...Your subjective personal time frame is slowing down. No. -Arnold, chase me now.
-It's so small, we need atomic clocks to measure it.
-I think I'm gonna get to the point where you think it's interesting.
-You just can't stop. I think I'm in love with you.
-If you put an atomic clock at the top of the mountain
And then one at the very bottom of the ocean--
-The one higher up would tick several femtoseconds slower than the one at the very bottom,
'cause it's moving faster.
-That is interesting, but... -Thank you.
-...Will I ever be able to pet a brontosaurus, or frank sinatra?
-No, probably not. I'm sorry.
-So, we've established that arnold is the smartest.
-Did we establish he was the smartest? -Yeah.
-"femtoseconds"? It's nonsense.
-Who is the kindest?
-Who'd be most likely to fetch water if you're hungover?
-Which one of you would be in charge after a plane crash?
-Oh, that's josh. -Me. I would just love to take charge after a plane crash.
I mean, that is the dream.
-Are you two monogamous? -Yes.
-Um, oh... We haven't discussed it yet.
-Ooh, tension.
-No tension. We just have not discussed it yet.
-Can we discuss it now? -No.
-Come on. -No.
-What is gondwanaland?
'cause I remember learning about gondwanaland and laurasia, but I don't know why.
-I thought gondwanaland was what the aboriginal people called australia.
-No, it's not that. They had hundreds of different languages.
-Definitely not that. -No way. Something to do with volcanoes?
-I think, maybe, I should not have kissed tom.
-Oh, come on. Tom's all right.
-I've got a boyfriend.
-A good boyfriend?
-I think so.
-He never comes out. He doesn't like me when I'm out.
-What? -He doesn't like you when you are out,
Like out of the house?
-No, just like--
-Probably watching west wing episodes, even though he promised to watch it together.
-He sounds awful.
-Let's not jump to conclusions. We don't know ella that well.
-Every time I eat sweet things, he asks me if I need them.
Like, of course, I don't need them, they're fun. Why can't he see that they're fun?
-One time we went on a roller coaster and there was a really long queue,
And when the guy asked if there were any singles in the crowd,
And so, I had to go on the next round and sit next to this really nervous mum,
Who was actually totally delightful, but he didn't know that.
-No, ella, that man, he's the devil.
-He never goes down on me.
-Never?
-I mean, fair enough, you know, I wouldn't go down on you, but the roller coaster--
He's the devil.
-Like once, out of guilt.
The day after he cheated on me.
-What the hell? You need to go and break up with that man right now.
-Get rid of him.
-I'm nervous.
-Yeah. Good luck.
-I think I met a girl tonight,
And we kissed and it was incredible.
But I had just tripped and done this,
So there was a lot going on.
It's difficult to distinguish all of that from how good the kiss was, you know?
-Will you kiss anyone tonight?
-Probably my husband.
-Nice one.
-My face is turning into my dad.
-Don't you say that about my boyfriend.
-I'm gonna get a face-lift. -No.
-I am more likable like this.
-I like your face.
-No, I'm going to get a new one.
-Gonna get cameron diaz's face. -You can't afford it.
-I'm going to go to mexico and ask for cameron diaz's face.
-I don't know how many more times I'm meant to say not to do it.
-Well, you wouldn't understand, would you?
Your face is so tight.
Nothing moves.
It's too tight, if anything.
Nothing moves. Pull on my face. Ridiculous.
-Oh. I'm worried I'm going to stretch it more.
So he didn't react.
He said, "fine, what do you want me to say?"
And so, I started crying, 'cause I thought I should,
And he said, "this performance is only for you."
So I guess he does know me well.
And then I hung up.
And then I got worried that no one ever loved me.
So I bought all the flowers.
-They're very nice.
-Hello.
-She dumped me. -Oh, sh--
Alan, god, shit, I'm so sorry.
-Yeah. Yeah. She said after we got back together that she wasn't happy.
I mean, she said, she thought she would be happy, but she wasn't.
-But she cheated on you.
Just, if someone was gonna break up with me,
I wouldn't want them to also tell me that they cheated on me.
I mean, what's the point? Shit.
-Yeah, she's upstairs with grace.
-Did you know the reason your heart physically hurts when it breaks?
It's because your body doesn't understand what's going on.
Your body doesn't know you broke up with someone,
It just assumes you must be in trouble,
Like poisoned or something, so it's like, "oh, my god,
This guy just ate an apple from a witch. Quick, heart, beat faster, we need action now."
-You boyfriend's the witch.
-Warlock. -You broke up with him, yeah?
You're the winner. You win the breakup.
Yeah!
-Oh, that's weird.
Hey, mae, what's happening?
-Hey, josh, are you with tom?
-No, why?
-Josh, I broke up with your father.
-Aw, are you okay?
-He called tom. Do you know why?
-No. No, I do not.
-I tried to keep it together for grace, but...
I think she is better off with two happy parents apart,
Than two sad ones together.
-Yeah, yeah. I agree.
Kids can always tell, mae.
I was just super relieved when mum and dad got divorced.
-That's nice of you to say.
I was worried that calling you would be awful.
-Why? What's wrong with me?
With the story, if the characters are animal characters,
Josh, like a child.
-Why am I getting criticized?
Are you breaking with me? Don't break up with me, mae.
I'll eat heaps and then I'll get fat... Again.
-I just heard mae laugh. -What?
-Why would she be laughing?
-Maybe grace farted.
-And now it's all there in front of me.
-Three years of thrash that I didn't realize was trash
Even though everybody told me it was trash.
God, this is humiliating.
I forgot about this part.
Now I have to tell all my friends
That I was wrong and they were right.
-We had a good relationship, but...
This is not my life.
This is... His life.
-Yeah, I understand.
-Why don't I know what's good for me?
I should be...
The foremost expert on what's good for me, but I'm not.
-I just feel like a fool.
You know, I don't know how I ever let myself believe
I could make her happy.
-You did make her happy.
Then she changed into someone that you couldn't make happy.
-I'm not sure.
Okay, bye.
-We're at the hospital.
-You're at the hospital?
-Yeah, I tripped. -How did you trip?
-Fell.
-Yeah, why did you fall?
-I didn't mean to.
-You weren't high, were you?
-Um... No.
-Are you lying to me, tom?
-I... Just...
...Don't know?
-You were on drugs. What drugs?
You'll only make it worse by lying.
-Mdma.
-Fucking hell. Fucking stupid kids.
Right, I'm coming to get you.
You are not too old for me to come and get you.
-So I was just having a bit of a chat with your dad...
And the subject of those drugs we took came up,
And...
Now he knows about those drugs we took.
-Why are you always telling my dad things? It's weird.
Are you trying to steal my dad?
I feel like I'm in some sort of weird dad-son triangle.
-He was just being so open with me, I can't lie to him.
His heart is too gentle.
-You betrayed me like judas.
-You are jesus. You know this, right?
-Tom thinks I'm not jesus.
jesus christ!
-A wheelchair. -I made him.
-Rough night, eh?
-Yes, I have had a rough fucking night, not helped by you, thanks.
Let's just go.
-Dad...
-This is so embarrassing, josh.
-I mean, you really did not have to come.
-You really cannot look after yourself, can you?
Drugs...
-Hi, I'm ella.
-I thought you're over the teen party phase.
-Dad, I promise you, I never partied as a teen, okay?
Really, you can just go home.
-I'm already here.
I mean, thank fuck you're alive!
Where'd you get the drugs from, hmm?
And why do you trust them?
Were they trustworthy?
-Tom got them.
-You've really disappointed me, tom. -Sorry.
-I mean, what does mdma even bloody stand for?
-Methylenedioxymethamphetamine.
-You know I've been worried sick.
I mean, of course, I'm gonna think the bloody worst. Christ!
First I make my wife go mental,
And then I send my partner into the arms of a crazed fetishist.
So, you know, it's not much of a surprise to find out I'm a shit father, too.
Couldn't even raise my own son well enough not to become a fucking junkie!
And you know, tom...
I thought we had a relationship,
I didn't realize when we were hanging out, that you were so off your face,
You'd split your bloody wrist open.
-I'm sorry.
-Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck!
-Okay, dad, okay.
All right?
-I'm sorry. I love you.
No, I'm all right. Thanks.
You're a very pretty girl. Is this the girl that you mentioned, tom?
right.
You guys ready?