Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 2, Episode 9 - Grinches Be Crazy - full transcript
Max agrees to be Santa for Penny's charity, and Jane accidentally gives away the Xmas vacation money Brad had saved.
Mmm.
Mmm!
Eggnog is delish.
Ah.
Mmm. Dairy and liquor are really
one of those
underrated combinations.
Kinda like Garry Marshall
and Hector Elizondo.
Yeah, they may be coming
for Julia Roberts
and Annie Hathaway, but they're
staying for Elizondo.
I am gonna miss this!
I am so bummed that Brad and I
are gonna be gone for Christmas.
Yeah, it's gonna be horrible,
me and Jane alone on the beaches
of Turks and Caicos all day.
Oh, pooh.
All those drinks
and those massages
and those vacation friends that
we'll probably end up being
closer with than you guys
long-term. Ohh.
Oh, no, Jane!
The temperature just dipped
to 88 in Turks
and 87 in Caicos.
Uh-oh.
Ohh. Should we still go?
Uh... yeah!
More like jerks and bac-os.
Bacon substitute, remember?
And you guys are jerks, so...
It's not great.
So does everyone know
what they're gonna get me
for Christmas?
Pen, just tell us what you want
and save yourself
some disappointment.
No, I'd rather be surprised
by a disappointment
than happy with what I expected.
It's why I never ask
if a pool is heated.
Mm.
Speaking of gifts, Max,
since tonight is
the first night of Chanukah,
we have your Chanukah gift.
Well, while I do
appreciate you using
the appropriate pronunciation,
I grant you permission
to use
the more common "Hanukkah."
And while you're at it,
you don't have to start
every conversation with my dad
by saying,
"can I ax you a question?"
Okay. Well, here is
the greatest gift of all.
Are these the Glengarry leads?
No, those are for closers,
you child. That is the number
to the best housekeeper
in the world-- Gita.
- No!
- What?!
You can't let Max anywhere
near Gita. She is amazing.
The Polish Mr. Clean,
Mama Giadki, is based on Gita.
She even taught us the song.
♪ Mama Giadki make
everything zgrabny ♪
Well, don't worry. I won't let
Max screw this one up.
Our apartment is in some
serious need of some zgrabny.
Thank you.
Ugh! I'm running a charity drive
for Midwestern Bank,
and my Santa canceled.
He's having a hip replacement.
The Easter Bunny would play
through that pain.
Just saying.
The event is tomorrow.
Where am I gonna find a Santa?
You go down to the DMV.
Then you go behind the DMV.
You find the smelliest guy
there-- Leslie.
- Hmm.
- Leslie will introduce you
to some randos who will do
anything for anything.
Well, I mean, it's not just
for anything. It's 500 bucks.
I'll do it.
No questions asked.
Really?
You want to play Santa?
'Cause you hate holidays,
and you hate kids.
Yeah, but I love making
extravagant promises
that I don't have to fulfill.
Plus, Penny,
I really need the cash.
My limo business has hit
a few shnags.
What?
Why?!
Aah! Damn it!
They got the spare?
Come on, pen.
I would be an awesome Santa.
I have a giant lap,
and I happen to look amazing
in a chunky belt.
You look okay in a chunky belt.
Brad, tell her how good I look
in a chunky belt.
Mm, you look chunky
in a chunky belt.
Guys, guys. It's Christmas.
Must we have this argument
ah-gayn and ah-gayn?
I'm sorry.
I look great in a chunky belt.
Cheers.
- Come on now.
- Cheers.
Cheers to zgrabny.
Zgrabny!
All righty.
Hey, babe. I'm back. I--
What's happening?
Do you need help or...
No, I'm good.
You got it?
Yeah, I am good.
Sweatin' a bit.
I...
Invite you to admire
the first annual
Christmas hub tub.
Ooh.
The hub tub turns
pesky holiday organization
into an art form--
Recipes, tips, gifts,
petty cash...
And everything that we need
for our tropical vay-cay-cay.
Please don't say "vay-cay-cay."
M'kay-kay?
- I even alarmed it.
- Ooh.
Ohh.
Aah! Oh, God.
- Uh, that works.
- Ohh.
Ohh.
Ah. Hey, check it out.
I got the casheesh
for our trip.
2 grand in my hand.
Awesome. I'll slip that
in my old hub tub.
Ah. Are you
thinking what I'm thinking?
Yep.
I love "indecent proposaling"
with you!
Max, gotta say, you're kinda
rockin' the Santa suit.
Yep. Yep. This is gonna be
the easiest gig ever.
I get paid 500 bucks
to sit in a chair
and put up
with greedy kids telling me
what kind of toys they want,
and, bonus, the Santa suit
really does show off my Max ass,
- doesn't it, little one, huh?
- Uhh.
- Huh? What more do you need?
- Ew.
And get a hot load
of the jiggle belly.
Ooh. Now that I like.
Ooh. Yeah. Who doesn't?
Yeah.
- Ooh.
- I'll just turn it off.
It's not really turning off.
It's uh, ooh, it's hot.
The motor is really heating up,
and, uh,
it's a very focused burn
that is h-- Ow!
How, how, how, how!
How, how, ow!
Ow, owie, owie, owie, owie,
owie, owie, owie, owie, owie!
So, Al, you're really going
with the coupon books
that no one wants again
this year?
It's the gift that
keeps on disappointing.
People love my coupon books.
Who wouldn't want a free
basic haircut and bang trim?
Or how about a nibble your name
into a cob of corn?
Who wants that?
You know you want it.
Pick a font, baby. Don't be shy.
I do not want that.
Helvetica.
Al, you know the only reason
you make these coupons
is because nobody's
ever gonna cash 'em in.
I remember one year
you gave me one
for a free indoor beach party.
What was that?
I don't know,
but it would have been fun.
Admit it. It's an empty gesture,
like an e-card
or a formal apology
after an anti-semitic rant.
They are not
empty gestures, okay?
And I would love for people
to cash in my coupons.
Okay, I am gonna cash in
every single coupon
you've ever given me.
Nothing would make me happier.
That would be
the best Christmas ever.
- Good.
- Awesome.
Owie, owie, owie, owie, owie,
ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
It's burning! It's burning.
I can't turn it off!
The remote won't work.
The remote is broken.
It won't turn off.
- Max.
- Uhh! It's burning.
Whew. Thank you.
- Uhh.
- So what is, uh, everyone talking about?
Uh...
Babe, don't dirty up the place
for Gita's benefit.
If it's too clean,
she won't feel needed.
Well, if you want her
to feel needed,
you give her more than $100
for her Christmas bonus.
Everybody knows
it's double two weeks' pay.
No, that's how much
an engagement ring costs.
No, that's two months' pay.
You're damn right it is.
Just checking.
Seriously, babe, we gotta
give her at least $300.
I mean...
She knows about the drawer.
Okay, $200,
but anything more than that,
she's gonna feel uncomfortable.
Well, I think discovering
that drawer
is what made her feel
uncomfortable.
Oh, hello,
miss Jane, Mr. Brad.
Merry Christmas, Gita.
We have a special present
for you.
Oh, miss Jane, Mr. Brad.
I-I don't deserve this.
Of course you do.
You are the best.
How can I ever thank you?
You thank us by enjoying it.
Oh, boy.
Uh, I... uh, no.
I-I cannot accept this.
Well, we tried.
We know that it's excessive,
but you deserve it.
Ohh. Oh, I am going to go
call my sisters
and tell them that
you are good people.
What?
See?
$200-- More than enough.
Well, you know what else is
more than enough? $2,000.
You just gave her
our trip money.
Aah! That is impossible.
No.
I can show you
right in...
- Yeah!
- Ow.
I have it right here
in the envelope labeled
"tr--gita."
Ho-ho-ho!
Santa is back
from his third break,
and he's ready to see
if you've been naughty or nice.
All right.
What are you having?
I want an iPhone.
You got it. Next.
Max, you gotta
put a little more into it.
Channel the Christmas spirit,
or at least channel
the spirit of somebody
putting the smallest amount
of effort into anything.
Gotcha.
Let's go!
- All right.
- Smile with Santa.
Oh, what, Santa can't burp?
You know,
this is the first time
I've seen Oliver laugh
in a long time.
Yeah, well,
he should get out more.
I've been sick a lot,
but now I'm fine.
The thing that helped me
in the hospital was knowing
Christmas was coming...
And you, Santa.
Oh. Well, uh...
Well, what do you--
What do you want for Christmas?
Nothing. I'm just happy
to be healthy.
There's gotta be
something you want.
Well, my mom's car
just got stolen,
so I guess if I wanted anything,
it would be to forgive
the bad men who did it.
Well, you're getting a bike.
Next.
Please tell me you got
the money back for our trip.
I couldn't do it.
She had nieces--
Singing nieces.
Wha--
♪ hark ♪
♪ the Kerkovich-Williams angels
sing ♪
♪ glory to the bonus
they bring ♪
♪ generous right to the core ♪
♪ forgiven
for their sinful drawer ♪
Ohh.
Is that not so precious?
Yeah.
They have been practicing
all day for you.
Ohh.
Ohh.
Oh, so what did you want
to talk to me about?
Uh... I just...
Wanted to give you this.
What? More?
Yeah, more.
Ohh. Nephews, get down here!
Okay, clearly
you're in over your head,
so even though this is
all your fault--
This is not my fault.
How is this not your fault?
You gave gita
so much money, while I did nothing.
Exactly, Brad. Once again,
you did nothing.
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
All right. I'm gonna get
the money back from Gita,
and you're gonna go
to the drawer
and think of ways
to make this up to me.
I have so many ideas.
You know, this, um,
"dinner and a DJ" Coupon
might be the best one yet.
Deejay Alex Haley on
the wah-wah-wah-ones and twos.
Alex Haley?
Yeah, I used to be obsessed
with Halley's comet.
So it has nothing to do
with Alex Haley,
the author of "Roots"?
She was a DJ?
All I know is, I was
in high demand in college.
A lot of black fraternities
hired me sight unseen.
You know what?
Just crank it up.
Wait for it. Let the beat drop.
Boom! There it is!
You know it!
♪
Pen, something happened
at Santa's village today,
and it's kinda hard
to talk about.
I-I probably shouldn't
even tell you.
You can talk to me
about anything.
All right.
Well, there was
this really cute kid
who climbed into my lap.
He was, like, wiggling around
and whispering in my ear,
and...
I felt something.
You can't talk to me
about anything.
Pen, the kid touched me.
You're gonna blame the kid?
What? No. Ew!
Penny, I open up to you,
and that's where your mind goes?
Come on. No. He was a sick kid,
and I made him happy.
That's awesome...
And a relief.
Hey, kids love Santa!
You are not
a terrible person after all.
Sweet! This is the only store
in Chicago that sells
the porn I like.
It's called "Bloody Guys."
Oh, Max.
It's British guys
covered in blood.
Think I'm gonna
wait outside. Thanks.
Lady, give me your purse!
What? "Lady"? I'm 30, okay?
That's basically
mid to late 20s.
Hey, Pen, they
only have regular gay porn.
I can't deal
with all the mustaches.
Hey. I'm Max.
He's a little young for you.
He's mugging me!
Oh, hey!
A-actually...
I'm-- I'm not.
I can't steal in front of Santa.
Oh, my...
Well, you're welcome,
and I wouldn't turn your nose up
at dating a mugger.
I mean, they're entrepreneurs.
Well, they make
their own hours.
Yeah, they go for what
they want, and they take it!
Okay, Max. Whoa.
That was really cool.
I mean, you changed
that kid's heart and mind.
I don't know.
I mean, you are a vessel
for holiday spirit,
and as long as you're
wearing that suit,
you can spread it
everywhere you go.
Is there a world in which I
don't have to spread anything?
Max, I think you could do
a lot of good as Santa.
Yeah, well, I'll keep my eyes
peeled for opportunity.
- No, no, no!
- I think they'll be pretty obvious.
- Excuse me, Santa!
- Excuse me?!
Guys, people could be sleeping.
- Shh.
- Residential!
Okay. What are you
gonna say to Gita?
I don't want her to hate us.
Babe, I think I can handle
getting our cash back
from a sweet housekeeper, okay?
Ugh.
Hi.
Oh, my Christmas angels!
Mr. Max...
- Hi.
- Just leave for his Santa job.
Uh, between you and me,
I don't think
he should be Santa.
- Mm.
- He has many drawers.
Sinful drawers.
Yes, well, Gita,
we actually wanted
to talk to you about something.
Yeah, I also want to talk
to you, my angels.
Uh, my sisters say to me,
"Gita, you never do anything
nice for yourself."
Um, they say,
"use the angel money
to go on a vacation."
Well, work hard, play hard.
Anyway, I--
then I remembered
all of the brochures
around your place for, um,
the Caicos and Turks...
So I'm going!
All right.
You don't want to do that.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
You are right.
I should invest the money
in making bigger my cans.
I'm sorry?
They have been ravaged
by so many years
of breast-feeding
my sisters.
Ohh.
I have not been
with a man in... so long.
Well, I must go back
to work, huh?
Okay, thank you again...
My Christmas angels.
Thanks for leaving us
with that visual.
Right.
Wow.
You handled that flawlessly.
Well, all you had to deal with
was singing nieces.
How am I supposed to tell
a woman she can't make bigger
her cans? You know what?
Whatever, Jane!
This is all your fault.
I guess we're gonna stay
home for Christmas.
Hee hee hee!
Start the car!
- Why are you running like that?
- It's how I run!
Next. Come here,
you little booger.
Oy. What do you want
for Christmas?
I want my parents to get
back together.
Yeah, well, that's not
really in my jurisdiction.
What Santa can tell you
is that
there is a bright side--
Two Christmases, two birthdays,
and when your parents
start dating,
you'll get whatever gift
you want,
because the new boyfriend
or girlfriend
will want you to like them.
My mom is already dating.
That's Gary.
He has a bad back.
Yeah. He looks like
he probably has gout, too.
Does he eat a lot of fish?
Yeah, I bet. Hey, Gar!
Why don't you take five
from feeling up this kid's mom
and throwing salmon
down your throat
and buy him a go-cart
or something?
Of course.
Whatever he wants.
Thanks, Santa. I love you.
I love you, too,
you little freak gingie.
Alex, it's enough that...
You maximized my closet space.
You don't have to do all this
by yourself.
Dave, I'm gonna show you
that my coupons
are not empty gestures.
- Okay.
- Okay?
It is so nice that you all
came out to support me
and kinda see me in my element.
Well, actually, we
came to donate some clothes
- and see Max cry.
- Whew!
Oh. Well...
- What else is going on?
- Aah!
- Oh, not much.
- Yeah.
- Hey, guys.
- Wow. You really are crying.
I don't know what's happening.
You've done a great job.
Here's your casheesh.
You earned it.
I'd like to say
I would take this money
to go get the boots off
my limo, but I'm not.
I'm gonna go donate this
to poor people...
Which means I volunteered
my time.
I'm worried about you.
I'm worried about me.
I cannot believe Max is
a better person than you.
Look, Brad,
I feel terrible, okay,
but this is not my fault.
I panicked, and you know
when I panic, I steal,
and that is wrong,
but I'm gonna make this right.
Oh, my God. It's Gita.
- Deny till you die.
- Right.
That's him.
Santa stole my money!
I didn't take anybody's money.
That's it right there
in my angel envelope.
Oh, it's a joke.
"Borat." Nice.
Very nice.
Uh... I take the money.
- Come with me, Santa.
- What?
- Let's go.
- No!
I didn't take any money!
I'm a Jew! This is a hate crime!
It's a hate crime!
Jane gave me Gita's number
in an envelope.
I didn't take anybody's money!
Oh, yes, you did.
I had that money
in your apartment.
You're the only one
who could have taken it.
You are as careless
with your morals
as you are
with your underpants.
You are a liar!
Wait. There's only $500
in here.
He spent it,
no doubt on sugar cereals.
No. $500--
That's his Santa pay.
He was moved
by the holiday spirit,
and he was gonna donate it.
Okay! I-I have to tell
the truth.
Max did not steal the money.
Thank you.
- Brad did.
- What?
- I know.
- What?!
Good enough for me.
Case closed.
- Just-- Are you for real, dawg? Jane!
- Yep. You have the right to remain silent.
- I'll wait for you.
- Jane!
Okay, stop. I did it.
- Come on, man.
- I accidentally gave Gita the envelope
with our vacation cash in it
instead of her bonus,
and then I stole it back.
I'm sorry.
But, uh, why didn't you
just tell me?
I would have understood.
I'm sorry, gita. Here's
your real Christmas bonus.
It's $200.
Oh. Thank you.
Wait a second.
You only tip your housekeeper
$200 for Christmas?
I told you!
$200 plus...
A trip to Turks and Caicos.
- Oh, my God!
- What?
- Thank you, my angel!
- Ah.
- Thank you, angel!
- Ohh! Mm-hmm.
I must go call my sisters!
Wow. That's kind of excessive.
I was thinking more like $250.
Oh.
Hold on. Hold on.
So you were ready to lead me
away based on nothing,
but Gwyneth Paltrow
over here confesses,
and she just gets
to sort it out by talking?
I don't make the rules.
Okay.
Penny, we seem to have
a situation
at the donations bin.
Help!
Merry... Christmas.
What are you doing
in your bathing suit?
Merry Christmas!
It's
your indoor beach party coupon.
Wow, guys. This is crazy.
I helped, 'cause I felt bad
that Brad couldn't have
his beach vacation.
Yeah, it's basically
the same thing.
Mm-hmm.
Is that-- Is that cat poop?
Probably,
'cause we brought all this in
from
the neighbor's backyard sandbox.
That would explain the syringe.
Oh.
So, Maxie, the charity event
was a huge success.
We got the most donations ever,
even though a lot of kids
were scarred for life
by seeing Santa do a perp walk.
- Don't care.
- Really?
Yeah.
'Cause I think you
sort of enjoyed being Santa.
Ohh. Penny, all right.
Fine. I'll go upstairs,
put on the Santa costume,
and come back down with presents
for everyone here...
- What?
- And I'll go get my guitar
and sing some
of the rock 'n' roll songs
I've been writing
about Christmas...
Uh, nobody's asking you
to do that.
And then I'll march
my little cute tush
in the kitchen and make some
Christmas Italian wedding soup,
'cause I'm just made of time.
We're all set.
Donkey kick.
You're blocking my sun.
- Yep.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry I ruined Christmas.
It was my fault.
You didn't ruin it, all right?
We can use the tickets next year.
Look, looks like Gita is
having a great time.
Relaxing on the beach.
Thank you Ms. Jane
and Mr. Brad.
Aw.
I don't know, maybe she should
have gotten her cans done.
Ewe.
Who is that hot guy
she's sitting next to?
Ah. Looks like gita got
her groove back.
Yeah.
- Give me a kiss.
- Ooh.
- Mm.
- Mm.
Wow, I'm impressed. You actually
finished all the coupons.
It wasn't an empty gesture
after all.
Well, if I'm gonna be
totally honest,
I didn't mind that people
didn't cash them in...
- I knew it.
- Uh, but I'm glad
that you did,
'cause it's the most time
that we've spent alone together
since we broke up, so...
Yeah, it's been pretty cool.
Yeah.
♪
Oh. This is an old one.
"One free kiss, even if
I've just put on lip gloss."
Well, I wouldn't
hold you to this guy.
Well, I did agree to do
all the coupons.
Yep. Yeah, you--
You kinda did.
Well, it would be a shame
if you got this close
and you didn't finish.
Total shame.
These sandcastles
look like boobs.
♪ A little place like kokomo ♪
♪ now if you wanna go ♪
Well, that's done.
Yeah. Yeah.
Ho-ho-ho-ho!
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Max, that's my laundry!
- Come on! Come on!
- Whoo!
No!
Get in there.
No. No.
Yay!
No.
- I grabbed whatever stuff I could find...
- Whoo!
Ooh!
- And these are Penny's delicates!
- Yeah!
- No!
- Yeah!
- Ho, ho, ho!
- No!
Oh!
Give me those!
- Give me those!
- Grab a pair of undies!
- No!
- Grab a pair of bras!
Oh, my God. That's amazing.
Wouldn't believe it
unless I saw it.
It's incredible.
Astounding.
I don't know
whether to laugh or to cry.
♪
Ooh.
Ahh!
A perfect helvetica.
Ohh! No!
Happy holidays
from Happy Endings!
Mmm!
Eggnog is delish.
Ah.
Mmm. Dairy and liquor are really
one of those
underrated combinations.
Kinda like Garry Marshall
and Hector Elizondo.
Yeah, they may be coming
for Julia Roberts
and Annie Hathaway, but they're
staying for Elizondo.
I am gonna miss this!
I am so bummed that Brad and I
are gonna be gone for Christmas.
Yeah, it's gonna be horrible,
me and Jane alone on the beaches
of Turks and Caicos all day.
Oh, pooh.
All those drinks
and those massages
and those vacation friends that
we'll probably end up being
closer with than you guys
long-term. Ohh.
Oh, no, Jane!
The temperature just dipped
to 88 in Turks
and 87 in Caicos.
Uh-oh.
Ohh. Should we still go?
Uh... yeah!
More like jerks and bac-os.
Bacon substitute, remember?
And you guys are jerks, so...
It's not great.
So does everyone know
what they're gonna get me
for Christmas?
Pen, just tell us what you want
and save yourself
some disappointment.
No, I'd rather be surprised
by a disappointment
than happy with what I expected.
It's why I never ask
if a pool is heated.
Mm.
Speaking of gifts, Max,
since tonight is
the first night of Chanukah,
we have your Chanukah gift.
Well, while I do
appreciate you using
the appropriate pronunciation,
I grant you permission
to use
the more common "Hanukkah."
And while you're at it,
you don't have to start
every conversation with my dad
by saying,
"can I ax you a question?"
Okay. Well, here is
the greatest gift of all.
Are these the Glengarry leads?
No, those are for closers,
you child. That is the number
to the best housekeeper
in the world-- Gita.
- No!
- What?!
You can't let Max anywhere
near Gita. She is amazing.
The Polish Mr. Clean,
Mama Giadki, is based on Gita.
She even taught us the song.
♪ Mama Giadki make
everything zgrabny ♪
Well, don't worry. I won't let
Max screw this one up.
Our apartment is in some
serious need of some zgrabny.
Thank you.
Ugh! I'm running a charity drive
for Midwestern Bank,
and my Santa canceled.
He's having a hip replacement.
The Easter Bunny would play
through that pain.
Just saying.
The event is tomorrow.
Where am I gonna find a Santa?
You go down to the DMV.
Then you go behind the DMV.
You find the smelliest guy
there-- Leslie.
- Hmm.
- Leslie will introduce you
to some randos who will do
anything for anything.
Well, I mean, it's not just
for anything. It's 500 bucks.
I'll do it.
No questions asked.
Really?
You want to play Santa?
'Cause you hate holidays,
and you hate kids.
Yeah, but I love making
extravagant promises
that I don't have to fulfill.
Plus, Penny,
I really need the cash.
My limo business has hit
a few shnags.
What?
Why?!
Aah! Damn it!
They got the spare?
Come on, pen.
I would be an awesome Santa.
I have a giant lap,
and I happen to look amazing
in a chunky belt.
You look okay in a chunky belt.
Brad, tell her how good I look
in a chunky belt.
Mm, you look chunky
in a chunky belt.
Guys, guys. It's Christmas.
Must we have this argument
ah-gayn and ah-gayn?
I'm sorry.
I look great in a chunky belt.
Cheers.
- Come on now.
- Cheers.
Cheers to zgrabny.
Zgrabny!
All righty.
Hey, babe. I'm back. I--
What's happening?
Do you need help or...
No, I'm good.
You got it?
Yeah, I am good.
Sweatin' a bit.
I...
Invite you to admire
the first annual
Christmas hub tub.
Ooh.
The hub tub turns
pesky holiday organization
into an art form--
Recipes, tips, gifts,
petty cash...
And everything that we need
for our tropical vay-cay-cay.
Please don't say "vay-cay-cay."
M'kay-kay?
- I even alarmed it.
- Ooh.
Ohh.
Aah! Oh, God.
- Uh, that works.
- Ohh.
Ohh.
Ah. Hey, check it out.
I got the casheesh
for our trip.
2 grand in my hand.
Awesome. I'll slip that
in my old hub tub.
Ah. Are you
thinking what I'm thinking?
Yep.
I love "indecent proposaling"
with you!
Max, gotta say, you're kinda
rockin' the Santa suit.
Yep. Yep. This is gonna be
the easiest gig ever.
I get paid 500 bucks
to sit in a chair
and put up
with greedy kids telling me
what kind of toys they want,
and, bonus, the Santa suit
really does show off my Max ass,
- doesn't it, little one, huh?
- Uhh.
- Huh? What more do you need?
- Ew.
And get a hot load
of the jiggle belly.
Ooh. Now that I like.
Ooh. Yeah. Who doesn't?
Yeah.
- Ooh.
- I'll just turn it off.
It's not really turning off.
It's uh, ooh, it's hot.
The motor is really heating up,
and, uh,
it's a very focused burn
that is h-- Ow!
How, how, how, how!
How, how, ow!
Ow, owie, owie, owie, owie,
owie, owie, owie, owie, owie!
So, Al, you're really going
with the coupon books
that no one wants again
this year?
It's the gift that
keeps on disappointing.
People love my coupon books.
Who wouldn't want a free
basic haircut and bang trim?
Or how about a nibble your name
into a cob of corn?
Who wants that?
You know you want it.
Pick a font, baby. Don't be shy.
I do not want that.
Helvetica.
Al, you know the only reason
you make these coupons
is because nobody's
ever gonna cash 'em in.
I remember one year
you gave me one
for a free indoor beach party.
What was that?
I don't know,
but it would have been fun.
Admit it. It's an empty gesture,
like an e-card
or a formal apology
after an anti-semitic rant.
They are not
empty gestures, okay?
And I would love for people
to cash in my coupons.
Okay, I am gonna cash in
every single coupon
you've ever given me.
Nothing would make me happier.
That would be
the best Christmas ever.
- Good.
- Awesome.
Owie, owie, owie, owie, owie,
ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
It's burning! It's burning.
I can't turn it off!
The remote won't work.
The remote is broken.
It won't turn off.
- Max.
- Uhh! It's burning.
Whew. Thank you.
- Uhh.
- So what is, uh, everyone talking about?
Uh...
Babe, don't dirty up the place
for Gita's benefit.
If it's too clean,
she won't feel needed.
Well, if you want her
to feel needed,
you give her more than $100
for her Christmas bonus.
Everybody knows
it's double two weeks' pay.
No, that's how much
an engagement ring costs.
No, that's two months' pay.
You're damn right it is.
Just checking.
Seriously, babe, we gotta
give her at least $300.
I mean...
She knows about the drawer.
Okay, $200,
but anything more than that,
she's gonna feel uncomfortable.
Well, I think discovering
that drawer
is what made her feel
uncomfortable.
Oh, hello,
miss Jane, Mr. Brad.
Merry Christmas, Gita.
We have a special present
for you.
Oh, miss Jane, Mr. Brad.
I-I don't deserve this.
Of course you do.
You are the best.
How can I ever thank you?
You thank us by enjoying it.
Oh, boy.
Uh, I... uh, no.
I-I cannot accept this.
Well, we tried.
We know that it's excessive,
but you deserve it.
Ohh. Oh, I am going to go
call my sisters
and tell them that
you are good people.
What?
See?
$200-- More than enough.
Well, you know what else is
more than enough? $2,000.
You just gave her
our trip money.
Aah! That is impossible.
No.
I can show you
right in...
- Yeah!
- Ow.
I have it right here
in the envelope labeled
"tr--gita."
Ho-ho-ho!
Santa is back
from his third break,
and he's ready to see
if you've been naughty or nice.
All right.
What are you having?
I want an iPhone.
You got it. Next.
Max, you gotta
put a little more into it.
Channel the Christmas spirit,
or at least channel
the spirit of somebody
putting the smallest amount
of effort into anything.
Gotcha.
Let's go!
- All right.
- Smile with Santa.
Oh, what, Santa can't burp?
You know,
this is the first time
I've seen Oliver laugh
in a long time.
Yeah, well,
he should get out more.
I've been sick a lot,
but now I'm fine.
The thing that helped me
in the hospital was knowing
Christmas was coming...
And you, Santa.
Oh. Well, uh...
Well, what do you--
What do you want for Christmas?
Nothing. I'm just happy
to be healthy.
There's gotta be
something you want.
Well, my mom's car
just got stolen,
so I guess if I wanted anything,
it would be to forgive
the bad men who did it.
Well, you're getting a bike.
Next.
Please tell me you got
the money back for our trip.
I couldn't do it.
She had nieces--
Singing nieces.
Wha--
♪ hark ♪
♪ the Kerkovich-Williams angels
sing ♪
♪ glory to the bonus
they bring ♪
♪ generous right to the core ♪
♪ forgiven
for their sinful drawer ♪
Ohh.
Is that not so precious?
Yeah.
They have been practicing
all day for you.
Ohh.
Ohh.
Oh, so what did you want
to talk to me about?
Uh... I just...
Wanted to give you this.
What? More?
Yeah, more.
Ohh. Nephews, get down here!
Okay, clearly
you're in over your head,
so even though this is
all your fault--
This is not my fault.
How is this not your fault?
You gave gita
so much money, while I did nothing.
Exactly, Brad. Once again,
you did nothing.
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
All right. I'm gonna get
the money back from Gita,
and you're gonna go
to the drawer
and think of ways
to make this up to me.
I have so many ideas.
You know, this, um,
"dinner and a DJ" Coupon
might be the best one yet.
Deejay Alex Haley on
the wah-wah-wah-ones and twos.
Alex Haley?
Yeah, I used to be obsessed
with Halley's comet.
So it has nothing to do
with Alex Haley,
the author of "Roots"?
She was a DJ?
All I know is, I was
in high demand in college.
A lot of black fraternities
hired me sight unseen.
You know what?
Just crank it up.
Wait for it. Let the beat drop.
Boom! There it is!
You know it!
♪
Pen, something happened
at Santa's village today,
and it's kinda hard
to talk about.
I-I probably shouldn't
even tell you.
You can talk to me
about anything.
All right.
Well, there was
this really cute kid
who climbed into my lap.
He was, like, wiggling around
and whispering in my ear,
and...
I felt something.
You can't talk to me
about anything.
Pen, the kid touched me.
You're gonna blame the kid?
What? No. Ew!
Penny, I open up to you,
and that's where your mind goes?
Come on. No. He was a sick kid,
and I made him happy.
That's awesome...
And a relief.
Hey, kids love Santa!
You are not
a terrible person after all.
Sweet! This is the only store
in Chicago that sells
the porn I like.
It's called "Bloody Guys."
Oh, Max.
It's British guys
covered in blood.
Think I'm gonna
wait outside. Thanks.
Lady, give me your purse!
What? "Lady"? I'm 30, okay?
That's basically
mid to late 20s.
Hey, Pen, they
only have regular gay porn.
I can't deal
with all the mustaches.
Hey. I'm Max.
He's a little young for you.
He's mugging me!
Oh, hey!
A-actually...
I'm-- I'm not.
I can't steal in front of Santa.
Oh, my...
Well, you're welcome,
and I wouldn't turn your nose up
at dating a mugger.
I mean, they're entrepreneurs.
Well, they make
their own hours.
Yeah, they go for what
they want, and they take it!
Okay, Max. Whoa.
That was really cool.
I mean, you changed
that kid's heart and mind.
I don't know.
I mean, you are a vessel
for holiday spirit,
and as long as you're
wearing that suit,
you can spread it
everywhere you go.
Is there a world in which I
don't have to spread anything?
Max, I think you could do
a lot of good as Santa.
Yeah, well, I'll keep my eyes
peeled for opportunity.
- No, no, no!
- I think they'll be pretty obvious.
- Excuse me, Santa!
- Excuse me?!
Guys, people could be sleeping.
- Shh.
- Residential!
Okay. What are you
gonna say to Gita?
I don't want her to hate us.
Babe, I think I can handle
getting our cash back
from a sweet housekeeper, okay?
Ugh.
Hi.
Oh, my Christmas angels!
Mr. Max...
- Hi.
- Just leave for his Santa job.
Uh, between you and me,
I don't think
he should be Santa.
- Mm.
- He has many drawers.
Sinful drawers.
Yes, well, Gita,
we actually wanted
to talk to you about something.
Yeah, I also want to talk
to you, my angels.
Uh, my sisters say to me,
"Gita, you never do anything
nice for yourself."
Um, they say,
"use the angel money
to go on a vacation."
Well, work hard, play hard.
Anyway, I--
then I remembered
all of the brochures
around your place for, um,
the Caicos and Turks...
So I'm going!
All right.
You don't want to do that.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
You are right.
I should invest the money
in making bigger my cans.
I'm sorry?
They have been ravaged
by so many years
of breast-feeding
my sisters.
Ohh.
I have not been
with a man in... so long.
Well, I must go back
to work, huh?
Okay, thank you again...
My Christmas angels.
Thanks for leaving us
with that visual.
Right.
Wow.
You handled that flawlessly.
Well, all you had to deal with
was singing nieces.
How am I supposed to tell
a woman she can't make bigger
her cans? You know what?
Whatever, Jane!
This is all your fault.
I guess we're gonna stay
home for Christmas.
Hee hee hee!
Start the car!
- Why are you running like that?
- It's how I run!
Next. Come here,
you little booger.
Oy. What do you want
for Christmas?
I want my parents to get
back together.
Yeah, well, that's not
really in my jurisdiction.
What Santa can tell you
is that
there is a bright side--
Two Christmases, two birthdays,
and when your parents
start dating,
you'll get whatever gift
you want,
because the new boyfriend
or girlfriend
will want you to like them.
My mom is already dating.
That's Gary.
He has a bad back.
Yeah. He looks like
he probably has gout, too.
Does he eat a lot of fish?
Yeah, I bet. Hey, Gar!
Why don't you take five
from feeling up this kid's mom
and throwing salmon
down your throat
and buy him a go-cart
or something?
Of course.
Whatever he wants.
Thanks, Santa. I love you.
I love you, too,
you little freak gingie.
Alex, it's enough that...
You maximized my closet space.
You don't have to do all this
by yourself.
Dave, I'm gonna show you
that my coupons
are not empty gestures.
- Okay.
- Okay?
It is so nice that you all
came out to support me
and kinda see me in my element.
Well, actually, we
came to donate some clothes
- and see Max cry.
- Whew!
Oh. Well...
- What else is going on?
- Aah!
- Oh, not much.
- Yeah.
- Hey, guys.
- Wow. You really are crying.
I don't know what's happening.
You've done a great job.
Here's your casheesh.
You earned it.
I'd like to say
I would take this money
to go get the boots off
my limo, but I'm not.
I'm gonna go donate this
to poor people...
Which means I volunteered
my time.
I'm worried about you.
I'm worried about me.
I cannot believe Max is
a better person than you.
Look, Brad,
I feel terrible, okay,
but this is not my fault.
I panicked, and you know
when I panic, I steal,
and that is wrong,
but I'm gonna make this right.
Oh, my God. It's Gita.
- Deny till you die.
- Right.
That's him.
Santa stole my money!
I didn't take anybody's money.
That's it right there
in my angel envelope.
Oh, it's a joke.
"Borat." Nice.
Very nice.
Uh... I take the money.
- Come with me, Santa.
- What?
- Let's go.
- No!
I didn't take any money!
I'm a Jew! This is a hate crime!
It's a hate crime!
Jane gave me Gita's number
in an envelope.
I didn't take anybody's money!
Oh, yes, you did.
I had that money
in your apartment.
You're the only one
who could have taken it.
You are as careless
with your morals
as you are
with your underpants.
You are a liar!
Wait. There's only $500
in here.
He spent it,
no doubt on sugar cereals.
No. $500--
That's his Santa pay.
He was moved
by the holiday spirit,
and he was gonna donate it.
Okay! I-I have to tell
the truth.
Max did not steal the money.
Thank you.
- Brad did.
- What?
- I know.
- What?!
Good enough for me.
Case closed.
- Just-- Are you for real, dawg? Jane!
- Yep. You have the right to remain silent.
- I'll wait for you.
- Jane!
Okay, stop. I did it.
- Come on, man.
- I accidentally gave Gita the envelope
with our vacation cash in it
instead of her bonus,
and then I stole it back.
I'm sorry.
But, uh, why didn't you
just tell me?
I would have understood.
I'm sorry, gita. Here's
your real Christmas bonus.
It's $200.
Oh. Thank you.
Wait a second.
You only tip your housekeeper
$200 for Christmas?
I told you!
$200 plus...
A trip to Turks and Caicos.
- Oh, my God!
- What?
- Thank you, my angel!
- Ah.
- Thank you, angel!
- Ohh! Mm-hmm.
I must go call my sisters!
Wow. That's kind of excessive.
I was thinking more like $250.
Oh.
Hold on. Hold on.
So you were ready to lead me
away based on nothing,
but Gwyneth Paltrow
over here confesses,
and she just gets
to sort it out by talking?
I don't make the rules.
Okay.
Penny, we seem to have
a situation
at the donations bin.
Help!
Merry... Christmas.
What are you doing
in your bathing suit?
Merry Christmas!
It's
your indoor beach party coupon.
Wow, guys. This is crazy.
I helped, 'cause I felt bad
that Brad couldn't have
his beach vacation.
Yeah, it's basically
the same thing.
Mm-hmm.
Is that-- Is that cat poop?
Probably,
'cause we brought all this in
from
the neighbor's backyard sandbox.
That would explain the syringe.
Oh.
So, Maxie, the charity event
was a huge success.
We got the most donations ever,
even though a lot of kids
were scarred for life
by seeing Santa do a perp walk.
- Don't care.
- Really?
Yeah.
'Cause I think you
sort of enjoyed being Santa.
Ohh. Penny, all right.
Fine. I'll go upstairs,
put on the Santa costume,
and come back down with presents
for everyone here...
- What?
- And I'll go get my guitar
and sing some
of the rock 'n' roll songs
I've been writing
about Christmas...
Uh, nobody's asking you
to do that.
And then I'll march
my little cute tush
in the kitchen and make some
Christmas Italian wedding soup,
'cause I'm just made of time.
We're all set.
Donkey kick.
You're blocking my sun.
- Yep.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry I ruined Christmas.
It was my fault.
You didn't ruin it, all right?
We can use the tickets next year.
Look, looks like Gita is
having a great time.
Relaxing on the beach.
Thank you Ms. Jane
and Mr. Brad.
Aw.
I don't know, maybe she should
have gotten her cans done.
Ewe.
Who is that hot guy
she's sitting next to?
Ah. Looks like gita got
her groove back.
Yeah.
- Give me a kiss.
- Ooh.
- Mm.
- Mm.
Wow, I'm impressed. You actually
finished all the coupons.
It wasn't an empty gesture
after all.
Well, if I'm gonna be
totally honest,
I didn't mind that people
didn't cash them in...
- I knew it.
- Uh, but I'm glad
that you did,
'cause it's the most time
that we've spent alone together
since we broke up, so...
Yeah, it's been pretty cool.
Yeah.
♪
Oh. This is an old one.
"One free kiss, even if
I've just put on lip gloss."
Well, I wouldn't
hold you to this guy.
Well, I did agree to do
all the coupons.
Yep. Yeah, you--
You kinda did.
Well, it would be a shame
if you got this close
and you didn't finish.
Total shame.
These sandcastles
look like boobs.
♪ A little place like kokomo ♪
♪ now if you wanna go ♪
Well, that's done.
Yeah. Yeah.
Ho-ho-ho-ho!
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Max, that's my laundry!
- Come on! Come on!
- Whoo!
No!
Get in there.
No. No.
Yay!
No.
- I grabbed whatever stuff I could find...
- Whoo!
Ooh!
- And these are Penny's delicates!
- Yeah!
- No!
- Yeah!
- Ho, ho, ho!
- No!
Oh!
Give me those!
- Give me those!
- Grab a pair of undies!
- No!
- Grab a pair of bras!
Oh, my God. That's amazing.
Wouldn't believe it
unless I saw it.
It's incredible.
Astounding.
I don't know
whether to laugh or to cry.
♪
Ooh.
Ahh!
A perfect helvetica.
Ohh! No!
Happy holidays
from Happy Endings!