Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 2, Episode 10 - The Shrink, the Dare, Her Date and Her Brother - full transcript
Dave has an odd reaction when his shrink dates Penny.
Big news.
New rom-com opening tonight.
Boo!
I bet it's got
some super vague title
that tells nothing
about the movie.
Yeah. "That's the way
it's gotta be."
Really? Do they all have to be
so stupid and predictable?
No, that's the title
of the movie--
"that's the way
it's gotta be."
Let me guess.
It's about someone who has
to pretend to do something
to win a bet.
Or somebody dates someone
to prove something
for some article.
Or somebody who's supposed
to marry someone
and then leaves them
at the...
Doctor's office.
Whoa.
So, okay, I have to...
- Get out of here.
- Wait, you guys.
Someone left this sweater
at my apartment.
Oh, that's mine.
Oh, that's my sweater.
How it can be both
of yours?
How can you both wear
the same size?
'Cause it's supposed to be,
like, boyfriendy and slouchy.
No, it's supposed to be
tight and formfitting,
and my grandma Frida gave it
to me on her deathbed.
How many times has
your grandma died?
'Cause you said the same thing
about half a club sandwich.
You know what this means?
We're gonna have to figure out
who gets the sweater.
Oh, not another dumb competition
that nobody cares about.
Jane and I are not gonna do
one of our stupid competitions.
It's just--
No! Get back here,
you gay!
"You gay"?! That's the best
you can think of?!
Ridiculous.
Idiots.
I gotta see this.
Me, too.
Yay!
Hey, guys. Wait!
See ya.
Seriously? I get stuck
with the check again?
What is the point of having
white friends?
Don't worry. You don't have
to pay for my second waffle...
Or my first omelet.
™ş
acting
No, we're not!
I look better in it!
I look better in it!
No, you don't! Your skinny body
doesn't fill it out!
Your stupid, chubby body's
gonna rip it!
"Chubby"?
You guys are so vain.
You probably think
this sweater's about you.
Don't you--don't you dare
make that joke.
I got it!
Max, whoever is less vain
gets the sweater.
Oh, it's on,
you skinny nut job.
You're a nut job.
Oh. Hello, David.
Hi. Hi.
Hello!
Dave, don't be rude.
Introduce us
to this gentleman.
Uh, this Richard.
He's my, uh, work...
Friend... colleague...
Who I know from camp...
The war... dance class.
The war. Which war?
The war on drugs,
and we won. You're welcome.
Well, it was nice to meet
all of you. Bye.
Who was that tall drink
of cashmere?
A long lingerer.
He's my therapist.
Oh, thank God.
I was worried you were
actually taking a dance class.
Why wouldn't you tell us
you're in therapy?
Because I just started
seeing him,
and it's actually starting
to help a little bit,
and I knew you guys
were gonna make fun of me,
so go ahead. Have at.
No.
No, Dave.
We're gonna make fun of you
for saying "have at."
No. I would never.
Therapy is great.
My therapy is my gardening.
I like to get in there and dig
and just smash and smash...
And just--
just smash it until...
David, tons of people are
in therapy, okay?
I've been going
since I was a kid.
In fact, I still see
my childhood psychologist
Roz Liebowitz.
He touched me here
and here,
and I wanted him to
touch me here, but he wouldn't.
Why wouldn't he?
Yeah, man. You gotta relax.
Therapy's cool.
I find it helps me
become a more mature,
well-rounded--
mm.
I got the sweater!
Oh!
Ohh!
Give it to me!
No. No. No.
No. Aah.
Is there a nail place
around here?
Yeah, I think--
I think...
Maybe just around
the corner.
Ow. Ow.
I twisted my ankle
twisting Max's ankle.
- Ohh. Poor baby.
- You want some tea?
What's wrong
with your voice?
I strained it talking to Alex,
and you know how my voice gets
all weird when I get nervous.
Why were you nervous?
Uh, 'cause we have nothing
to talk about.
Oh.
You know, if you have
to get to work,
you don't have
to keep me company.
Oh, no, no. It's cool.
We never get to hang out,
just the two of us,
you know? It'll be nice.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So...
So...
Yep.
(Laugh
and it got even worse
after that.
- Eh...
- There's also a lot of Greens...
- Uh-huh.
- Lime green...
Yeah.
Uh... Kelly green.
And green can also mean
"inexperienced,"
which, when you think
about it,
that's pretty cool.
Honey, Alex is my sister.
You guys should be close.
We are close. We're just not,
like, one-on-one close.
Well, you could be.
Call her now.
Ask her to lunch.
Fine.
Uh-huh.
I'll do that.
I'll call her right now.
No phones sound like that.
Shh. Babe, I'm on the phone.
Well, how are we gonna
decide who's less vain?
Throw acid
in each other's faces?
It's psychotic. I like it.
What about face tattoos?
Mm. We talkin' Tyson
or Kat Von d.?
I think we're talking
Kat Von Tyson
with a little Mike Von d.
Oh, I like it.
I can be down with that.
Okay, guys. I've got it.
Why don't you just pick out
the worst outfit
you can think of for each other,
and whoever wears it
the longest wins?
Great. Love it. In.
Well, prepare to lose,
'cause you are gonna look
like trash in this hideous piece
of garbage.
Stop it. You're
gonna scare away the customers.
What customers?
Sometimes I get scared in here.
And all my friends were
really supportive...
Uh, sorry.
Especially penny.
She even told me
she has a therapist, too.
Interesting,
and do you think
this is something that
she would only say to you
or would she say
to, say... a boyfriend
or an on-again-off-again
female lover?
Well, I guess
if she had a female--
wait. Huh? Wait. What?
Anyway, you know what I think
would really help you?
I am so sorry.
Ohh. We have to stop.
- It's unbelievable.
- It just flies by.
Here's what I'd like you
to think about for next week--
getting me penny's number.
I want to ask her out.
Out? Like, out on a...
- I'm sorry.
- What's happening here?
David, I know I appear
to view life from a distance
in a way
that may make you think
I am, I don't know,
godlike,
but in my off-hours,
I'm a flesh-and-blood man
who enjoys travel,
tart apples, artisanal cheeses
just like you.
I'm sorry.
Isn't asking
for my friend's number
just a little bit
inappropriate?
Well... Obviously
it would be wildly inappropriate
if we were in a session,
but out here,
it's totally appropriate,
you see?
Appropriate.
Inappropriate.
Appropriate.
Inappropriate.
Do you understand?
So this, uh...
Am I paying for this?
No.
No.
Dude, I need your help.
All right,
but it'll cost ya.
Uh, you owe me $8,000.
Dude, I'm here for you.
I'm having lunch
with Alex tomorrow,
and I know
it's gonna be awkward,
so I need you to hit me
with an out-call at, like, 1:20.
No worries.
I have the best out-call
in the business--
"there's a meteor that's
about to hit the earth!"
Not "a meteor's about
to hit the earth."
Fine. I will, uh, think
of another one.
Hey, how do you think
Jane would feel
about wearing
high-waisted jeans?
I think she'd have to be
high and wasted.
Awesome! She is going to...
Hate this!
Everything about this shirt
is gonna look bad on Max.
He has two of them.
He wore one to your wedding.
Oh.
So... stamps went up again.
Oh.
Unbelievable.
I get the forever ones,
but who knows how long
they're good for?
Um...
Oh. Hello?
Wait. What?
A meteor is headed for earth,
just like in that movie?
- Uh-oh.
- Meteor's a-comin'.
That is a tough pill
to swallow.
Al, I know that was Max.
Man, I cannot believe
you'd pull an out-call on me,
your own brother-in-law.
Let me just get--
oh. Hello.
Oh.
Yeah, I'll tell him.
That was Max.
He wants me to tell you...
What?
That a meteor is heading
for the earth,
just like
in that other movie.
What?! We gotta--
Brad.
Al, what are we doing
getting out-calls, huh?
We're like brother
and sister.
We should be able to talk
about anything.
I know.
Yeah.
Are hip-hop and rap
the same thing?
Yes.
(Grunts in raspy voice
Got it.
Hey!
Hey.
The craziest thing happened
yesterday.
So I'm coming out of my office,
and I run into Rick.
Who's Rick?
Your therapist. Anyway--
but he told me
to call him "Richard."
Oh. He told me to call him
"Rick." The point is--
so socially
he prefers "Rick Rickman"?
I don't know. Who cares?
I care.
"Richard rickman" is the name
of a distinguished therapist.
"Rick rickman" will sell you
a used grand cherokee.
Okay, whatever.
Rick asked me out,
so I guess I was
just kind of wondering,
you know, if that would be
weird for you.
Well, it wasn't weird before,
but it's certainly weird now.
I can't believe it.
The guy asked me
for your number.
I don't get back to him
right away,
and he tracks you down
at your office?
You think
he tracked me down?
You know, come to think
of it, he did ask me
some pretty strange questions
in our last session.
You've been talking
a lot about your mother today,
and it makes me wonder,
where does Penny work,
and wh-what bus line
is that on?
Yeah, he's stalking you.
Oh, my God.
That is so flattering.
What do you wear
to a stalking? Stockings?
No, that's too on-the-nose.
Max! Max, I gotta talk to you
about something.
Max--oh!
What do you think?
Well...
Works for you, man.
I know, right?
I'm totally gonna nn
that sweater.
What did you want to talk
to me about?
Oh, uh, penny's gonna go
out with my shrink.
That's weird, right?
Dah-veed, nothing is weird.
I've dated bailiffs,
monks, jockeys.
My personal best is
a butcher, a Baker,
and a candlestick maker,
and, yes,
we were all in one tub.
Tell me it wasn't our tub.
Look, Dave,
if you think it's weird
that penny is dating
your shrink,
just tell her you don't want
her to date your shrink.
Let's go grab a beer, huh?
Um, you're not really gonna
go out in public
like that, are you?
Oh, yeah.
This is nothing compared
to what I threw at Jane.
This is the biggest event
we have ever attempted,
but I think if we bring
on three corporate sponsors,
we could offset
the total cost of the event.
Now I've already gone
out to--
Oh.
Sorry.
Hello? What's--
a meteor? Excuse me.
Thank you
for the out-call, boo.
No problem, boo.
So how was your lunch
with Alex?
Uh, it was fine.
Fine?
Fine is not good enough.
Brad, it is important to me
that you guys have
a real relationship.
You need to work at this.
I gotta go.
"Fine"?
Why didn't
I just say "great," hmm?
"Hey, how was lunch with Alex?"
"Great!"
Is that so damn hard?
Awesome, Brad. Okay.
Thanks.
Wow. Sounds like you two
are really starting to bond.
Actually, we're not,
but Jane's been harassing
me and Brad about it,
so we're gonna trick her
into thinking
that we're bonding,
and it should be easy
to fool her
'cause I'm super easy to fool
and we're sisters.
In hindsight,
I may have dodged a bullet.
We're gonna tell Jane that
we had an amazing lunch,
but actually we're not
gonna meet at all.
So you're gonna lie to Jane
and not get any closer to Brad.
It sounds like a great plan.
Well, it's better than
your plan--
pretending to hang out
when clearly you're waiting
for penny to get home
from her date.
That is not what I am doing.
I-I came here to get my vase.
That's mine.
Then where did I put mine?
Mm.
Hi!
Hey.
Hey. What are you doing here?
Nothing.
Waiting for you.
Oh, come on.
I thought you said you were cool
with me dating Rick.
Yeah, one of my best friend
dating the guy that knows
all of my secrets.
Yeah, it's totally cool!
Cool.
Not cool, pen.
What if he talks to you
about me?
We spent four hours together.
You didn't come up once.
- Really?
- Not even one time? He didn't...
Never mind.
Pen, this is getting weird.
Stop dating him.
No. No, no, no.
You know what? No. Okay?
It would be one thing
if you'd asked me,
but you're telling me,
and if I have learned anything
from roz Liebowitz
and the feelings dolls,
it is that I need to be
less intimidated
and more assertive.
I am going to date Rick rickman,
whether you like it or not.
Fine.
Fine!
Fine. Date Rick rickman.
I will!
Fine.
Seriously,
am I the only one that thinks
the name "Rick rickman"
is insane?
Well, it's a lot better
than "Dick Dickman."
Uh, no. You--you can't--
you can't change
the last name to--
forget it.
I did dodge a bullet.
Yeah.
Hey, listen, babe,
I'm ducking into a meeting.
I've gotta call you back
in, uh...
About 110 minutes.
Okay.
™ş
Alex?
Brad.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
- You veve rom-coms.
- I knew it!
What? Wait.
What theater is this, huh?
I thought this was
that "murder, death,
sports, explosion" film
for men with full beards
and ample chest hair.
Okay, yes.
Yes. Yes, I do.
- I love rom-coms, okay?
- I love 'em!
Last year I told Jane
I was going
to the Chicago comic con,
but instead
I went to the rom-com-con.
I was there! Katherine heigl's
panel was incredible.
Ohh.
Here's the chain. Off it.
Yes. Wait.
Shouldn't you be at work?
Yeah, but people don't
really come
to my store
between 5:00 and 7:00
and sometimes
between 10:00 and 5:00.
Hmm. I like your store.
Thank you.
Aw.
Aw.
I love the previews.
Oh, me, too!
Hey, I brought
my own junior mints.
I bring my own snacks, too.
Whoa.
- Oh, yeah.
- It's so stinky.
You know it.
Seriously,
that really stinks.
(Chuckle I I know.
You look like jamiroquai
before labor day.
Well, you look like Carol Brady
right before she was arrested
for molesting Bobby.
Ohh! It's been 24 hours.
I mean, this--
this could go on forever.
We're too good.
We gotta stop this.
What's the one thing
we can't resist looking hot for?
Hello.
Yes, I would like
to report a fire.
And that's how
i almost accidentally married
my best friend's fiance.
You are on fire tonight.
Oh, well, thank you.
No, you're literally
on fire.
She's so nervous.
Girl can't even tell
she's onirire.
Oh! Thank you.
I'm just a little nervous.
Oh, well,
I could have told you that
the moment you ordered
the market salad.
Really? You can tell
all that from my order?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
See that guy?
Seafood Risotto...
"Mommy doesn't love me."
- Okay. Wait.
- Let me try. Let me try.
Okay. See that woman eating
lava cake? Touchy Uncle.
He didn't molest her.
He's just very easily offended.
Hmm. Garlic bread--
compulsive gambler
compensating
for two failed marriages
and a stalled career
as a memoirist.
You got all that
from garlic bread?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, and he's my patient,
so mum's the word...
That puts him
into a deep trance.
Penny? Dr. rickman?
What a surprise.
Dave?
How rude of me.
Let me introduce my date.
Ahem. Dr. roz Liebowitz.
Penny, I came as soon
as I could. Are you all right?
Yes, I am fine.
What are you doing here?!
Well, you date my therapist.
I date yours.
It's the old switcheroo, plus
we're super into each other,
aren't we, baby?
Watch it.
If herb Liebowitz had not just
had a double hip replacement
and wasn't afraid to drive
at night,
he would come into the city
and kick your ass.
Okay.
What is going on here?
He interrupted me mid-session,
and now I have
a 10-year-old patient waiting
in my grand cherokee.
Fantastic car.
Aha.
David said you were having
an emergency.
Does it look like
I'm having an emergency?
Well, your other sleeve's
on fire.
Damn it! Why does this
keep happening?
You're gonna break.
Not before you.
I know that you have
a Chicago firemen calendar.
Oh, do ya?
Uh-huh.
Well, I happy to know
that you have a...
Secret
Chicago firemen's calendar!
You're single.
None of them will date you
when they see you in that.
Well, you're married.
None of them can see your legs,
and I know how much you need
outside validation!
I need a lot of validation.
Ayay.
We each get to take off
one thing.
Fine. We do it
at the same time and then--
fine.
Fine.
One, two, three.
How do I look?
Way worse without that hat.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Fine.
Well, you look topless
but your nipples fell off.
Let's take off
one more thing.
One more thing.
That's all this was?
You were using me
to prove a point?
At first, but that was
before I got to know you.
Wait!
Sorry, dude.
That's the way it's gotta be.
Ohh!
Now why couldn't he just
tell her the truth before,
on the bridge?
- He couldn't.
- She just bought him
the train set
from his childhood.
Nah, homie.
That don't sit right
with me.
Now it's too late.
They're
never gonna get together.
Don't say that.
That's why you brought me here,
prove a point?
Well, at first,
but then something magical h--
no, that's why
I brought you here.
Oh, my God.
Penny, let me handle this.
David, walk with me.
Gladly.
Feel free to start.
Don't worry.
I'll just pick.
Where's the fire?
Right here, boys.
Jane, I thought we agreed
to say "in our pants."
- The fire is in our pants.
- In our pants.
What?
The fire...
Is in our pants.
We are done!
You are the most
unprofessional therapist ever,
and I'll you something else,
I ain't payin' for those
two 20-minute phone calls.
Those were legit sessions.
You called me, crying.
Therapy's
a two-way street, David.
No, it's not!
Look, I think we both know
who you're upset with.
No, you look, Rick Rickman.
You don't tell me
who I'm upset with.
Wait a minute.
Who--who am I upset with?
Yourself. You clearly have
unresolved feelings for penny,
which is why you get so upset
if she dates other men.
- That is rich, Rick...
- Okay?
No, I am upset because my friend
is dating my shrink,
and you think otherwise,
you're crazy.
I'm crazy?
I'm crazy? Okay.
Well, tell that to the American
psychiatric association.
Actually, don't seriously
tell them that
because they've had
their eye on me,
so I'm trying to lay low.
Whoa. That looks really intense.
I gotta get Dave outta here.
Interesting.
So you'd prefer to "leave"
with your "platonic" friend
rather than stay
with the eligible "man"
you're on a date with?
Yeah, well,
I wouldn't prefer it,
but Dave is really upset,
and why are you putting
air quotes
around "platonic"
and "leaving" and "man"?
Well, I'm just saying,
you clearly have
unresolved feelings
for David.
What?
That's crazy.
Is it? I need a doggie bag.
Am I paying for this?
Nicki, I don't know why
I've been looking everywhere
when what I wanted all along
was right in front of me.
I'll rip up
the whole damn article.
Just say the word.
Nick, the only word
i want to say is...
Yes!
™ş
Ohh.
It's so beautiful.
I'm sorry
I was such a jerk before.
It's totally cool with me
if you want to keep dating
Rick rickman.
Why do you keep using
his full name?
I don't know. I can't stop!
) Listen, I'm sorry
that I went out with him
even though I knew
it bugged you.
No, it doesn't.
Thanks, but it's okay.
Hey, Rick says
if you like pizza
it means you're battling
sexual dysfunction.
Everybody likes pizza.
Every single person.
Ohh. That was the best.
I just love how Nick
and Nicki didn't realize
that they were meant
for each other
till the very end.
I know...
And how romantic
was that fountain?
So romantic.
Ohh.
I wish those things
would happen to me.
Oh, my God. I would die.
I... would... Die.
Ohh. I am sorry.
These date shoes
are killing me.
You seemed pretty freaked
talking to Rick.
What did he say to you?
Uh, nothing important.
How about roz?
What'd she say to you?
Not ch..
You know shrinks.
They're all cuh-ray-zee.
Yeah. Completely bonkers.
Cuckoo.
You're going in the water.
Stop. Stop.
We're so ridiculous.
And, to think, all that
for a stupid sweater.
I mean, clearly there's
only one mature way
to solve this.
Burn that bitch.
Mm.
Oh.
I will get
the fire extinguisher.
Yeah.
Oh.
Here's my sweater.
No, no. I-I think that's
my sweater.
I l--I left it here.
It was on my chair
in my home.
Yeah, I purposely put it
on that chair so that I--
that is my sweater!
Give me my sweater!
Sync and corrected by sp8ky
New rom-com opening tonight.
Boo!
I bet it's got
some super vague title
that tells nothing
about the movie.
Yeah. "That's the way
it's gotta be."
Really? Do they all have to be
so stupid and predictable?
No, that's the title
of the movie--
"that's the way
it's gotta be."
Let me guess.
It's about someone who has
to pretend to do something
to win a bet.
Or somebody dates someone
to prove something
for some article.
Or somebody who's supposed
to marry someone
and then leaves them
at the...
Doctor's office.
Whoa.
So, okay, I have to...
- Get out of here.
- Wait, you guys.
Someone left this sweater
at my apartment.
Oh, that's mine.
Oh, that's my sweater.
How it can be both
of yours?
How can you both wear
the same size?
'Cause it's supposed to be,
like, boyfriendy and slouchy.
No, it's supposed to be
tight and formfitting,
and my grandma Frida gave it
to me on her deathbed.
How many times has
your grandma died?
'Cause you said the same thing
about half a club sandwich.
You know what this means?
We're gonna have to figure out
who gets the sweater.
Oh, not another dumb competition
that nobody cares about.
Jane and I are not gonna do
one of our stupid competitions.
It's just--
No! Get back here,
you gay!
"You gay"?! That's the best
you can think of?!
Ridiculous.
Idiots.
I gotta see this.
Me, too.
Yay!
Hey, guys. Wait!
See ya.
Seriously? I get stuck
with the check again?
What is the point of having
white friends?
Don't worry. You don't have
to pay for my second waffle...
Or my first omelet.
™ş
acting
No, we're not!
I look better in it!
I look better in it!
No, you don't! Your skinny body
doesn't fill it out!
Your stupid, chubby body's
gonna rip it!
"Chubby"?
You guys are so vain.
You probably think
this sweater's about you.
Don't you--don't you dare
make that joke.
I got it!
Max, whoever is less vain
gets the sweater.
Oh, it's on,
you skinny nut job.
You're a nut job.
Oh. Hello, David.
Hi. Hi.
Hello!
Dave, don't be rude.
Introduce us
to this gentleman.
Uh, this Richard.
He's my, uh, work...
Friend... colleague...
Who I know from camp...
The war... dance class.
The war. Which war?
The war on drugs,
and we won. You're welcome.
Well, it was nice to meet
all of you. Bye.
Who was that tall drink
of cashmere?
A long lingerer.
He's my therapist.
Oh, thank God.
I was worried you were
actually taking a dance class.
Why wouldn't you tell us
you're in therapy?
Because I just started
seeing him,
and it's actually starting
to help a little bit,
and I knew you guys
were gonna make fun of me,
so go ahead. Have at.
No.
No, Dave.
We're gonna make fun of you
for saying "have at."
No. I would never.
Therapy is great.
My therapy is my gardening.
I like to get in there and dig
and just smash and smash...
And just--
just smash it until...
David, tons of people are
in therapy, okay?
I've been going
since I was a kid.
In fact, I still see
my childhood psychologist
Roz Liebowitz.
He touched me here
and here,
and I wanted him to
touch me here, but he wouldn't.
Why wouldn't he?
Yeah, man. You gotta relax.
Therapy's cool.
I find it helps me
become a more mature,
well-rounded--
mm.
I got the sweater!
Oh!
Ohh!
Give it to me!
No. No. No.
No. Aah.
Is there a nail place
around here?
Yeah, I think--
I think...
Maybe just around
the corner.
Ow. Ow.
I twisted my ankle
twisting Max's ankle.
- Ohh. Poor baby.
- You want some tea?
What's wrong
with your voice?
I strained it talking to Alex,
and you know how my voice gets
all weird when I get nervous.
Why were you nervous?
Uh, 'cause we have nothing
to talk about.
Oh.
You know, if you have
to get to work,
you don't have
to keep me company.
Oh, no, no. It's cool.
We never get to hang out,
just the two of us,
you know? It'll be nice.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So...
So...
Yep.
(Laugh
and it got even worse
after that.
- Eh...
- There's also a lot of Greens...
- Uh-huh.
- Lime green...
Yeah.
Uh... Kelly green.
And green can also mean
"inexperienced,"
which, when you think
about it,
that's pretty cool.
Honey, Alex is my sister.
You guys should be close.
We are close. We're just not,
like, one-on-one close.
Well, you could be.
Call her now.
Ask her to lunch.
Fine.
Uh-huh.
I'll do that.
I'll call her right now.
No phones sound like that.
Shh. Babe, I'm on the phone.
Well, how are we gonna
decide who's less vain?
Throw acid
in each other's faces?
It's psychotic. I like it.
What about face tattoos?
Mm. We talkin' Tyson
or Kat Von d.?
I think we're talking
Kat Von Tyson
with a little Mike Von d.
Oh, I like it.
I can be down with that.
Okay, guys. I've got it.
Why don't you just pick out
the worst outfit
you can think of for each other,
and whoever wears it
the longest wins?
Great. Love it. In.
Well, prepare to lose,
'cause you are gonna look
like trash in this hideous piece
of garbage.
Stop it. You're
gonna scare away the customers.
What customers?
Sometimes I get scared in here.
And all my friends were
really supportive...
Uh, sorry.
Especially penny.
She even told me
she has a therapist, too.
Interesting,
and do you think
this is something that
she would only say to you
or would she say
to, say... a boyfriend
or an on-again-off-again
female lover?
Well, I guess
if she had a female--
wait. Huh? Wait. What?
Anyway, you know what I think
would really help you?
I am so sorry.
Ohh. We have to stop.
- It's unbelievable.
- It just flies by.
Here's what I'd like you
to think about for next week--
getting me penny's number.
I want to ask her out.
Out? Like, out on a...
- I'm sorry.
- What's happening here?
David, I know I appear
to view life from a distance
in a way
that may make you think
I am, I don't know,
godlike,
but in my off-hours,
I'm a flesh-and-blood man
who enjoys travel,
tart apples, artisanal cheeses
just like you.
I'm sorry.
Isn't asking
for my friend's number
just a little bit
inappropriate?
Well... Obviously
it would be wildly inappropriate
if we were in a session,
but out here,
it's totally appropriate,
you see?
Appropriate.
Inappropriate.
Appropriate.
Inappropriate.
Do you understand?
So this, uh...
Am I paying for this?
No.
No.
Dude, I need your help.
All right,
but it'll cost ya.
Uh, you owe me $8,000.
Dude, I'm here for you.
I'm having lunch
with Alex tomorrow,
and I know
it's gonna be awkward,
so I need you to hit me
with an out-call at, like, 1:20.
No worries.
I have the best out-call
in the business--
"there's a meteor that's
about to hit the earth!"
Not "a meteor's about
to hit the earth."
Fine. I will, uh, think
of another one.
Hey, how do you think
Jane would feel
about wearing
high-waisted jeans?
I think she'd have to be
high and wasted.
Awesome! She is going to...
Hate this!
Everything about this shirt
is gonna look bad on Max.
He has two of them.
He wore one to your wedding.
Oh.
So... stamps went up again.
Oh.
Unbelievable.
I get the forever ones,
but who knows how long
they're good for?
Um...
Oh. Hello?
Wait. What?
A meteor is headed for earth,
just like in that movie?
- Uh-oh.
- Meteor's a-comin'.
That is a tough pill
to swallow.
Al, I know that was Max.
Man, I cannot believe
you'd pull an out-call on me,
your own brother-in-law.
Let me just get--
oh. Hello.
Oh.
Yeah, I'll tell him.
That was Max.
He wants me to tell you...
What?
That a meteor is heading
for the earth,
just like
in that other movie.
What?! We gotta--
Brad.
Al, what are we doing
getting out-calls, huh?
We're like brother
and sister.
We should be able to talk
about anything.
I know.
Yeah.
Are hip-hop and rap
the same thing?
Yes.
(Grunts in raspy voice
Got it.
Hey!
Hey.
The craziest thing happened
yesterday.
So I'm coming out of my office,
and I run into Rick.
Who's Rick?
Your therapist. Anyway--
but he told me
to call him "Richard."
Oh. He told me to call him
"Rick." The point is--
so socially
he prefers "Rick Rickman"?
I don't know. Who cares?
I care.
"Richard rickman" is the name
of a distinguished therapist.
"Rick rickman" will sell you
a used grand cherokee.
Okay, whatever.
Rick asked me out,
so I guess I was
just kind of wondering,
you know, if that would be
weird for you.
Well, it wasn't weird before,
but it's certainly weird now.
I can't believe it.
The guy asked me
for your number.
I don't get back to him
right away,
and he tracks you down
at your office?
You think
he tracked me down?
You know, come to think
of it, he did ask me
some pretty strange questions
in our last session.
You've been talking
a lot about your mother today,
and it makes me wonder,
where does Penny work,
and wh-what bus line
is that on?
Yeah, he's stalking you.
Oh, my God.
That is so flattering.
What do you wear
to a stalking? Stockings?
No, that's too on-the-nose.
Max! Max, I gotta talk to you
about something.
Max--oh!
What do you think?
Well...
Works for you, man.
I know, right?
I'm totally gonna nn
that sweater.
What did you want to talk
to me about?
Oh, uh, penny's gonna go
out with my shrink.
That's weird, right?
Dah-veed, nothing is weird.
I've dated bailiffs,
monks, jockeys.
My personal best is
a butcher, a Baker,
and a candlestick maker,
and, yes,
we were all in one tub.
Tell me it wasn't our tub.
Look, Dave,
if you think it's weird
that penny is dating
your shrink,
just tell her you don't want
her to date your shrink.
Let's go grab a beer, huh?
Um, you're not really gonna
go out in public
like that, are you?
Oh, yeah.
This is nothing compared
to what I threw at Jane.
This is the biggest event
we have ever attempted,
but I think if we bring
on three corporate sponsors,
we could offset
the total cost of the event.
Now I've already gone
out to--
Oh.
Sorry.
Hello? What's--
a meteor? Excuse me.
Thank you
for the out-call, boo.
No problem, boo.
So how was your lunch
with Alex?
Uh, it was fine.
Fine?
Fine is not good enough.
Brad, it is important to me
that you guys have
a real relationship.
You need to work at this.
I gotta go.
"Fine"?
Why didn't
I just say "great," hmm?
"Hey, how was lunch with Alex?"
"Great!"
Is that so damn hard?
Awesome, Brad. Okay.
Thanks.
Wow. Sounds like you two
are really starting to bond.
Actually, we're not,
but Jane's been harassing
me and Brad about it,
so we're gonna trick her
into thinking
that we're bonding,
and it should be easy
to fool her
'cause I'm super easy to fool
and we're sisters.
In hindsight,
I may have dodged a bullet.
We're gonna tell Jane that
we had an amazing lunch,
but actually we're not
gonna meet at all.
So you're gonna lie to Jane
and not get any closer to Brad.
It sounds like a great plan.
Well, it's better than
your plan--
pretending to hang out
when clearly you're waiting
for penny to get home
from her date.
That is not what I am doing.
I-I came here to get my vase.
That's mine.
Then where did I put mine?
Mm.
Hi!
Hey.
Hey. What are you doing here?
Nothing.
Waiting for you.
Oh, come on.
I thought you said you were cool
with me dating Rick.
Yeah, one of my best friend
dating the guy that knows
all of my secrets.
Yeah, it's totally cool!
Cool.
Not cool, pen.
What if he talks to you
about me?
We spent four hours together.
You didn't come up once.
- Really?
- Not even one time? He didn't...
Never mind.
Pen, this is getting weird.
Stop dating him.
No. No, no, no.
You know what? No. Okay?
It would be one thing
if you'd asked me,
but you're telling me,
and if I have learned anything
from roz Liebowitz
and the feelings dolls,
it is that I need to be
less intimidated
and more assertive.
I am going to date Rick rickman,
whether you like it or not.
Fine.
Fine!
Fine. Date Rick rickman.
I will!
Fine.
Seriously,
am I the only one that thinks
the name "Rick rickman"
is insane?
Well, it's a lot better
than "Dick Dickman."
Uh, no. You--you can't--
you can't change
the last name to--
forget it.
I did dodge a bullet.
Yeah.
Hey, listen, babe,
I'm ducking into a meeting.
I've gotta call you back
in, uh...
About 110 minutes.
Okay.
™ş
Alex?
Brad.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
- You veve rom-coms.
- I knew it!
What? Wait.
What theater is this, huh?
I thought this was
that "murder, death,
sports, explosion" film
for men with full beards
and ample chest hair.
Okay, yes.
Yes. Yes, I do.
- I love rom-coms, okay?
- I love 'em!
Last year I told Jane
I was going
to the Chicago comic con,
but instead
I went to the rom-com-con.
I was there! Katherine heigl's
panel was incredible.
Ohh.
Here's the chain. Off it.
Yes. Wait.
Shouldn't you be at work?
Yeah, but people don't
really come
to my store
between 5:00 and 7:00
and sometimes
between 10:00 and 5:00.
Hmm. I like your store.
Thank you.
Aw.
Aw.
I love the previews.
Oh, me, too!
Hey, I brought
my own junior mints.
I bring my own snacks, too.
Whoa.
- Oh, yeah.
- It's so stinky.
You know it.
Seriously,
that really stinks.
(Chuckle I I know.
You look like jamiroquai
before labor day.
Well, you look like Carol Brady
right before she was arrested
for molesting Bobby.
Ohh! It's been 24 hours.
I mean, this--
this could go on forever.
We're too good.
We gotta stop this.
What's the one thing
we can't resist looking hot for?
Hello.
Yes, I would like
to report a fire.
And that's how
i almost accidentally married
my best friend's fiance.
You are on fire tonight.
Oh, well, thank you.
No, you're literally
on fire.
She's so nervous.
Girl can't even tell
she's onirire.
Oh! Thank you.
I'm just a little nervous.
Oh, well,
I could have told you that
the moment you ordered
the market salad.
Really? You can tell
all that from my order?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
See that guy?
Seafood Risotto...
"Mommy doesn't love me."
- Okay. Wait.
- Let me try. Let me try.
Okay. See that woman eating
lava cake? Touchy Uncle.
He didn't molest her.
He's just very easily offended.
Hmm. Garlic bread--
compulsive gambler
compensating
for two failed marriages
and a stalled career
as a memoirist.
You got all that
from garlic bread?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, and he's my patient,
so mum's the word...
That puts him
into a deep trance.
Penny? Dr. rickman?
What a surprise.
Dave?
How rude of me.
Let me introduce my date.
Ahem. Dr. roz Liebowitz.
Penny, I came as soon
as I could. Are you all right?
Yes, I am fine.
What are you doing here?!
Well, you date my therapist.
I date yours.
It's the old switcheroo, plus
we're super into each other,
aren't we, baby?
Watch it.
If herb Liebowitz had not just
had a double hip replacement
and wasn't afraid to drive
at night,
he would come into the city
and kick your ass.
Okay.
What is going on here?
He interrupted me mid-session,
and now I have
a 10-year-old patient waiting
in my grand cherokee.
Fantastic car.
Aha.
David said you were having
an emergency.
Does it look like
I'm having an emergency?
Well, your other sleeve's
on fire.
Damn it! Why does this
keep happening?
You're gonna break.
Not before you.
I know that you have
a Chicago firemen calendar.
Oh, do ya?
Uh-huh.
Well, I happy to know
that you have a...
Secret
Chicago firemen's calendar!
You're single.
None of them will date you
when they see you in that.
Well, you're married.
None of them can see your legs,
and I know how much you need
outside validation!
I need a lot of validation.
Ayay.
We each get to take off
one thing.
Fine. We do it
at the same time and then--
fine.
Fine.
One, two, three.
How do I look?
Way worse without that hat.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Fine.
Well, you look topless
but your nipples fell off.
Let's take off
one more thing.
One more thing.
That's all this was?
You were using me
to prove a point?
At first, but that was
before I got to know you.
Wait!
Sorry, dude.
That's the way it's gotta be.
Ohh!
Now why couldn't he just
tell her the truth before,
on the bridge?
- He couldn't.
- She just bought him
the train set
from his childhood.
Nah, homie.
That don't sit right
with me.
Now it's too late.
They're
never gonna get together.
Don't say that.
That's why you brought me here,
prove a point?
Well, at first,
but then something magical h--
no, that's why
I brought you here.
Oh, my God.
Penny, let me handle this.
David, walk with me.
Gladly.
Feel free to start.
Don't worry.
I'll just pick.
Where's the fire?
Right here, boys.
Jane, I thought we agreed
to say "in our pants."
- The fire is in our pants.
- In our pants.
What?
The fire...
Is in our pants.
We are done!
You are the most
unprofessional therapist ever,
and I'll you something else,
I ain't payin' for those
two 20-minute phone calls.
Those were legit sessions.
You called me, crying.
Therapy's
a two-way street, David.
No, it's not!
Look, I think we both know
who you're upset with.
No, you look, Rick Rickman.
You don't tell me
who I'm upset with.
Wait a minute.
Who--who am I upset with?
Yourself. You clearly have
unresolved feelings for penny,
which is why you get so upset
if she dates other men.
- That is rich, Rick...
- Okay?
No, I am upset because my friend
is dating my shrink,
and you think otherwise,
you're crazy.
I'm crazy?
I'm crazy? Okay.
Well, tell that to the American
psychiatric association.
Actually, don't seriously
tell them that
because they've had
their eye on me,
so I'm trying to lay low.
Whoa. That looks really intense.
I gotta get Dave outta here.
Interesting.
So you'd prefer to "leave"
with your "platonic" friend
rather than stay
with the eligible "man"
you're on a date with?
Yeah, well,
I wouldn't prefer it,
but Dave is really upset,
and why are you putting
air quotes
around "platonic"
and "leaving" and "man"?
Well, I'm just saying,
you clearly have
unresolved feelings
for David.
What?
That's crazy.
Is it? I need a doggie bag.
Am I paying for this?
Nicki, I don't know why
I've been looking everywhere
when what I wanted all along
was right in front of me.
I'll rip up
the whole damn article.
Just say the word.
Nick, the only word
i want to say is...
Yes!
™ş
Ohh.
It's so beautiful.
I'm sorry
I was such a jerk before.
It's totally cool with me
if you want to keep dating
Rick rickman.
Why do you keep using
his full name?
I don't know. I can't stop!
) Listen, I'm sorry
that I went out with him
even though I knew
it bugged you.
No, it doesn't.
Thanks, but it's okay.
Hey, Rick says
if you like pizza
it means you're battling
sexual dysfunction.
Everybody likes pizza.
Every single person.
Ohh. That was the best.
I just love how Nick
and Nicki didn't realize
that they were meant
for each other
till the very end.
I know...
And how romantic
was that fountain?
So romantic.
Ohh.
I wish those things
would happen to me.
Oh, my God. I would die.
I... would... Die.
Ohh. I am sorry.
These date shoes
are killing me.
You seemed pretty freaked
talking to Rick.
What did he say to you?
Uh, nothing important.
How about roz?
What'd she say to you?
Not ch..
You know shrinks.
They're all cuh-ray-zee.
Yeah. Completely bonkers.
Cuckoo.
You're going in the water.
Stop. Stop.
We're so ridiculous.
And, to think, all that
for a stupid sweater.
I mean, clearly there's
only one mature way
to solve this.
Burn that bitch.
Mm.
Oh.
I will get
the fire extinguisher.
Yeah.
Oh.
Here's my sweater.
No, no. I-I think that's
my sweater.
I l--I left it here.
It was on my chair
in my home.
Yeah, I purposely put it
on that chair so that I--
that is my sweater!
Give me my sweater!
Sync and corrected by sp8ky