Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 2, Episode 13 - The St. Valentine's Day Maxssacre - full transcript
It's Valentine's Day for the gang, and nothing goes as planned.
Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
Yes!
I cannot wait for Valentine's Day
to be over.
Things with that guy,
Reed, are... we're not great, at best.
But I can break with him,
cuz I'm out of the window...
- The window?
- Yeah, the breakup window...
The period of time around
major events and holidays
when you can't dump someone.
I made that mistake once.
Dumped a girl too close
to her grandpa dying.
It was like...
"I'm out!"
- I ran.
- So...
Now I have to wait
a whole week.
Yet you're still
gonna bleed him
for the fancy dinner
and the present.
Yeah, for his sake.
I mean, the guy is just,
like, really annoying.
He's a winker.
You have got
the softest skin.
Wait.
I do have the softest skin, or
I don't have the softest skin?
The wink is making it
unclear.
It is very soft.
It's like butter,
and I know because I'm
comparing them right now.
Weird.
I had this exact same dream
last night,
but it wasn't butter.
Well, I've got to get
to gettin'.
Planning some Valentine's Day
surprises for my Jane.
Are you kidding?
You can't surprise that woman.
Birthday.
Surprise!
Did you think we were trying
to attack you
with a birthday cake?!
Hell of a party.
Hell of a party.
Look, guys.
I know my own damn wife, all right?
I got it covered.
Before you go,
I do want to confirm
that everyone will be using
my limousine services
for Valentine's night.
It's a big cash
grab for daddy.
Dave, can I pencil you in
for an 8:00 pickup?
Not gonna be needing daddy.
I'll be staying in.
Consider yourself penciled.
Nope. I will be preparing
a 5-course meal for Lindsay.
The crazy sex girl?-
You know it!
And if the sex is crazy
on a regular day...
Imagine what the V.D.
Sex is gonna be like.
V.D. Sex!
I get it. You're not bumping me
because I said "V. D."
No. We're not bumping you
'cause we're not Howie Mandel.
- High five!
- No.
- Handshake!
- I don't like it.
How about
a high school jock-nod?
- Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I can do that.
I can do that.-
- Yo.
- Yo.
- Yo.
- Yo, yo.
- Hey, yo, Rakim!
- Hey, yo. Yo, yo!
- Hey, yo!
- Hey, yo, what's up?!
- Yo. Yo.
- Yo, yo!
- Yo, my man.
- Yo.
- What up, Goldberg?
- Yo.
I love St. Valentine's Day.
You know, Valentine's Day was
invented by corporations
just to get people to buy stuff.
Come on, Jane.
You have no holiday spirit.
You said the same thing
about St. Patrick's day
and Vienna beef presents
National Hot Dog Day.
That is not a real holiday.
It was on a calendar
printed on a place mat
at a hot dog stand.
All right. You win,
but Saint Valentine is real.
It's a myth.
Valentinius Valentine was
a 9th-century Prussian martyr
who, after being ordained
at Saint Stanislaus church
in Schleswig-Holstein,
roamed the Black Forest
in search of his long-lost love,
Arbenus Sibonchka.
When you're actually
interested in something...
You're kinda scary.
Not as scary as what the romans
did to Saint Valentine.
Hint... they ripped him
tip to taint,
but if you really believe
in him,
he will help you find love,
and this year,
he's gonna help me.
One of my favorite customers
invited me
to a St. Valentine's Day
singles party.
Yeah. I bet you are gonna find
the man of your dreams at...
"Captain Danny's
balls-to-the-wall V-day keg race
in little Chechnya."
- You never know.
- No.
So have you guys decided
what sweet, sweet limo package
you're gonna grab for V-day?
I got the lovers' package.
That's $69.
I got the romance package.
That's $69.
I got the fantasy package.
So they're all $69?
No. The spa package happens
to be more expensive.
I thought we agreed
that one didn't work.
Buddy, that is
the finest mobile spa experience
you're gonna have for $169.
Do you guys mind?
I'm on a call.
It's our apartment.
Hey, Reed. I know.
I'm so bummed
I can't see you until V-day.
No, I'm not.
No, she's not.
(Normal voice) Tonight...
Ooh-gabooga...
Does not work, unfortch.
I'm too busy picking out
the perfect present for you.
No, I'm not.
- No, she's not.
- Tomorrow?
I hate this. I've got
a friend in town.
- No, she doesn't.
- Okay.
- Bye!
- I feel bad for that guy.
He's probably planning
this great night for you,
and you're just stringing him
along until you dump him.
What? No. No, I'm just
respecting the breakup window.
And I bought him
a very cute scarf.
Lindsay and I were supposed
to go see a movie,
but she just canceled.
That's cool. Gives me time
to design our V-day menu,
and you know I'm gonna kick it
off with a scrimp cocktail, son.
You gots
to open with the scrimp.
- You gots to open with the scrimp!
- Look at this.
- I'm scrimp-walkin'.
- Scrimp-walkin'.
I'm scrimp-walkin'.
Wait, wait, wait.
So Lindsay just canceled?
That seems odd.
Okay.
I see where you're getting at,
but not everybody
is as terrible a person as you,
Penny, all due respect.
Plus we're still having
brunch tomorrow, so...
Of course you are.
No, they're not.
No, they're not.
Penny, come on. That is rude.
- Yeah.
- Dave and Lindsay are fine.
- They are...
- Rock solid.
I'm standing right here, guys.
That only works
when you're on the phone.
Right.
Surprise!
Damn it!
Sorry. I'm sorry.
You know I hate surprises,
though.
Yeah. It's my fault.
Totally my fault
that you hit me in the face,
which is why I made
a list of surprises
I'm gonna be surprising you with
for Valentine's Day.
This is
the best surprise ever...
Although I could have used
a heads-up on this.
Yes.
How did you get
a table at Tableau?
Yeah.
That place is harder to get into
- than obvious joke here...
- Yeah.
The new alt comedy club
downtown.
Yeah, babe. I'm pulling out
all the stops.
I got a new suit,
stocked up on Michael
Jordan cologne,
and I'm gonna hit up
the dentist
to get my chompin' stones
polished for my lady.
You do love the dentist.
Hey, I'm the perfect patient.
Never had a cavity.
Never even had plaque...
Except for that plaque they
gave me for never having plaque.
That is
a pretty sweet plaque plaque.
What else is on here?
"Put on some d'Angelo,
then whip out my 'p'Angelo.'"
What's that... part of it?
That's, that's my...
My personal notes.
Okay.
Well, not gonna lie.
This lovers' special is not
moving the kinda units
I was expecting.
"Beef hearts and hearts of palm
on a hearty roll."
Real talk?
Your truck's not great.
Lindsay just canceled
brunch.
So she canceled
the movie yesterday,
and then she canceled
brunch today.
It sounds to me... and I'm just
putting this together...
Like your lady's really
respecting the breakup window.
No way. No, no. It's just
work's been very crazy,
and she had to pick up
a present for me,
and she's got a friend
coming into town. Boy.
Let's face it. No one has
ever had a friend in town.
Yeah, but what about
the fancy dinner I planned?
Well, this does not
feel good.
I think you mispronounced
"ahh."
You have a cavity.
Right.
A cavity. Good one, doc.
That's hilarious!
It's no big deal.
I'm just gonna give you
a tiny shot of novocain
so I can drill
that cavity out.
- Are you serious?!
- Yes.
No! No, no, no.
I don't do drills or shots.
I can't do pain, okay?
Give me the goof juice.
Just give me the goof juice,
and don't be bashful.
Put me all the way under,
all the way under.
I won't get mad
if I make in my pants.
Seriously.
I won't sue if I poo.
Your grandma's stuff
is so fancy.
Wasn't she, like,
a big party girl back
in the day?
Yeah.
J.F.K. once called her
"a real Chicago slut."
Why are you
always so proud of that?
It's Camelot, bro.
Grandma's lucky dress
and fur.
Better hope there's not
a black light at that party.
You guys. I don't know
how I'm gonna spend
an entire night alone
with the winker.
I bet you guys end up
together.
You can be
his Arbenus Sibonchka.
His what?
Okay, let's get out of here,
you little weirdo.
You wanna walk out with us?
No. Brad needs me
out of the house.
He's gonna surprise me
with champagne, candlelight,
and a horse-drawn carriage.
We are gonna live it up tonight.
We've lost him.
I think we gave him
too many drugs.
We found him.
Yes!
These dinosaurs are awesome.
Dude, how high are you
right now?
I'm so excited
about tonight.
The... the partition's
so rude.
Hey, guys.
Let's make this a group hang.
Jump on back here.
Let's play risk or something.
Help me.
No problem, friend.
And for just under 70 bucks,
I can throw in
the romantic music package,
which includes such hits
as Extreme's "More than words."
I secretly love that song.
Who doesn't? It's two men playing
acoustic guitar at each other.
Wait. Max, I think
this is where my party is.
Are you sure, Al? This is
a pretty nasty part of town.
The guy I sell my gray water to
lives around here.
No. This is it.
- Don't go!
- Have fun.
- Thank you, sir.
- You're welcome, madam.
Al, why don't you join us
for dinner?
Or we could call it
an early night.
I'm pretty Ty-Ty.
I just pounded a 5-hour.
Sorry, Pen, but I am
on a love mission,
courtesy of Saint Valentine,
and even though
his mission ended
in a beating so savage
that two of his tormentors
committed suicide
at the scene,
I'm hoping
for a different outcome.
Bye!
Wait.
Where is this place?
Oh. Excuse me.
Hey.
Are you looking for a party?
Yeah. How about downtown?
What?
Step away
from the car.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not a whore.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Are you not ready yet?
I'm ready.
Let's do this thang!
Oh, David.
Are those for me?
Nope.
Okay.
So how was your week?
Sorry I haven't seen you.
It's been, like, crazy.
Me, too. Totally crazy.
Went out a ton, met up
with my old drum circle,
so the yewzh.
Okay.
Shrimp.
Those are not for you.
So what's for our dinner?
Well, most people say
to eat light on V-day
'cause you're gonna
nude up soon.
I say, phooey.
Beans.
Hope you like beans,
Lindsay.
Like... I, um...
Thanks for
picking me up from jail, Max.
No problem. I just gotta
pick up one more couple,
then I'll take you
to your party.
No. It's cool.
After getting mistaken
for a whore,
it made me realize
something.
That your grandmother
was a whore.
No! That tonight is not
about me finding love.
It's about helping
other people find love.
That's what
Saint Valentine did
after the tragic death
of Arbenus Sibonchka.
- What?
- Well, you guessed it.
She was driven off a cliff
by wild boars.
Hello, fine gents.
How are you on this fine Eve...
What? I'm trying to help
people find love.
My God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
My God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
My God. Oh, my God.
Alex, that's my ex, Grant.
I remember him.
He's so cute.
What happened to you guys?
He dumped me...
A year ago today!
On Valentine's Day?!
That's why you hate
Saint Valentine.
- Why do you keep gasping?
- I don't know.
- Do you have asthma?
- No.
Are you sure?
Babe, why don't you let me
take over on the dipping?
No?
You go in here.
Getting your whole...
Hand in there.
Hey,
where did my strawberry go?
Sweetie, you don't have
to do this.
Where did you go, man?
Okay, you should probably
just go to bed.
You know, the doctor said
he's surprised you're alive.
Got my third wind.
- Yeah.
What time is it?
We gotta go.
Max is gonna pick
us up and take us to Tableau
in his limo.
Right.
Fourth wind!
Valentine's Day is the best day
to do whites.
No one's using the machines.
What is your deal?
You said we were gonna have
a beautiful dinner,
then go for a limo ride.
Instead you made beans,
you did your laundry,
and you spent 45 minutes
photographing your game genie
for an eBay auction.
Lindsay, I know
about the breakup window.
What are you talking about?
Come on.
"Work was crazy."
Then you said you had
to pick up a present for me.
Then you said you had
a friend in town.
Nobody ever has a friend
in town.
Work has been crazy,
and I do have a friend in town,
and we were gonna give you
your dream gift.
A sit-down with guy fieri?
No, Dave. A threesome.
Gotcha!
You guys.
I had you going.
I had you going.
I was kidding!
You got faced!
You got faced!
You must feel so stupid
right now.
Yeah, real stupid.
Listen, I've got something
serious to tell both of you.
What?
Please let me do it.
Please.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Good-bye, Dave.
No, no.
Bye-bye.
Please.
My God. So Grant dumped you
on Valentine's Day?
What did you do?
Nothing. Literally nothing.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Were we supposed
to hang out today?
I double-booked you
and this pizza.
So you
took Grant for granted?
God. That made me sad
when you said that.
Well, it's the truth.
No, how you said it
made me sad,
but will you do me a favor?
Will you go let them out
so that I don't have to
see him, please?
You like him,
you really like him
What?
That is so...
- Me?
- Yeah.
Just a little.
- Care?
- Yeah.
About anything ever,
especially something emotional
I don't care about at all?
Does this look like me, or does
it look like somebody else?
I think I can get away
with it.
Maybe an accent.
All right.
Thank you very much,
gentlemen,
for choosing this particular
unlicensed limousine company
for your Valentine's Day.
Max?
Grant.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Clark, this is Max.
Great.
Another guy you know.
I feel like I'm always
swimming upstream
against a steady current
of your ex-boyfriends.
It's like I'm a gay salmon
fighting for my life
in a river of bears.
More of a cub, but...
Sorry you had to see
that mixed metaphor.
Our...
Our relationship has been
really touch and go lately.
He, uh, he touches me,
and I go, "stop touching me."
Sorry you had to hear that,
too.
Well, I mean, he seems nice.
He's taking you out
on Valentine's Day.
That's better than the last
chump you dated.
Yeah.
Hey, good to see you, Max.
You, uh, you, too, man.
Happy Valentine's Day.
I knew it.
You are the one
that's supposed to find love
on Valentine's Day.
Al, he's literally
with another guy.
Okay, someone needs to find love
tonight, or I'll freak.
Guys, you know how
I was gonna dump Reed?
Well, he just dumped me.
I mean, he said I had this quirk
that he just couldn't stand.
I hate how you abbreviate
everything.
People love my abbreves.
They're cute.
Penny, you asked my aunt
how she was feeling
after her "full hysterecto."
I was trying to keep
the vibe light.
Look, I wanted to wait
to break up with you
'cause, you know, the window,
but I just can't.
I'm sorry, Penny.
Wait, so...
Are we actually done or...
I'm confused.
And then he said he hates
when I say "amahzing,"
but I've barely said that
at all this season.
You mean winter?
Yeah.
It's more of a summer word.
All right, well,
we all struck out, okay,
but we are on our way
to pick up Dave and his girl,
so let's just rejoice
in his love.
Well, I just blew a threesome.
We talking two V's, one "D,"
or two D's, one "V"?
Two V's, Penny. Two V's.
You and your stupid
breakup window.
It's a thing!
But I'm sorry, Dave.
I know this has been something
you've wanted for a long time.
I mean,
your first e-mail address
It sure was.
Thanks for understanding.
All right. All right,
so it didn't work out
for me, you, Dave, or Max,
but I think Saint Valentine
is gonna come through
for Brad and Jane.
Snap!
We in a limo!
Hey. Ross. Rachel.
Phoebe.
- Fat Joey.
- I love you guys.
Brad went to the dentist today.
Got rip high.
Poor guy.
It's like "Weekend at
Bernie Mac's" back here.
Wait. So your date was
also a bust?
God.
I guess Saint Valentine isn't real.
It's Grant.
"So much for Clark.
Another Valentine's Day ruined,
thanks to you. X.O."
"X. O."?! Faith restored!
Saint Valentine is gonna work
his love magic...
For you and Grant.
Guys, don't you see?
Max and Grant are the ones
who are supposed to find love.
- Come on. Let's go get him.
- For love.
I can't just go get him.
The whole reason that
he broke up with me was
'cause I blew it on Valentine's Day.
What am I gonna do, go win him
back with more nothing?
I know a horsey!
Okay. I bet you do.
Don't patronize me, Monica.
Okay.
That's it.
We are gonna get you Grant.
For love. Step on it!
Max. Hi.
I just... I'm so bad
at apologies.
I mean, so bad.
Often they're followed
by a second apology,
which is then followed
by an apology text,
and in one case, a large
cash settlement.
I just want to say I'm sorry,
Grant, about everything,
and...
Happy Valentine's Day.
I thought you hated
Valentine's Day.
I did, but I just thought,
maybe with the right guy,
it would be kind of okay,
you know, and...
Since Dennis Farina
is straight...
I thought, why don't you
and I hang out?
I got you this.
It's a scarf. Whoops.
Let's do it.
we got the horsies...
Right hea!
We should go because this is
a bit of a fire hazard.
I-I'm just gonna blow
these out.
You guys, stop. We'll do that.
Max, you guys get in.
Here. Fellas, enjoy this,
and enjoy our reservation
at Tableau.
It's gonna take you
forever to get there,
but at least it'll smell better
than Max's limo.
Thanks.
You know, I wouldn't
actually touch those blankets.
I hear bums have sex
in these things
when they're parked
in the park, you know...
I'll sh... I'll shut up.
We did it!
I just want to give all
of you guys a big hug right now...
Something the real
Saint Valentine couldn't do
after the romans ripped
his arms and legs off.
They really went hard
at that guy.
Was there anything left
of him?
Yeah. His heart,
which they skewered
and publically displayed
in the town's center,
and that is why
the heart is the symbol
of Saint Valentine's Day.
What should we do now?
Let's get drunk.
---
Yes!
I cannot wait for Valentine's Day
to be over.
Things with that guy,
Reed, are... we're not great, at best.
But I can break with him,
cuz I'm out of the window...
- The window?
- Yeah, the breakup window...
The period of time around
major events and holidays
when you can't dump someone.
I made that mistake once.
Dumped a girl too close
to her grandpa dying.
It was like...
"I'm out!"
- I ran.
- So...
Now I have to wait
a whole week.
Yet you're still
gonna bleed him
for the fancy dinner
and the present.
Yeah, for his sake.
I mean, the guy is just,
like, really annoying.
He's a winker.
You have got
the softest skin.
Wait.
I do have the softest skin, or
I don't have the softest skin?
The wink is making it
unclear.
It is very soft.
It's like butter,
and I know because I'm
comparing them right now.
Weird.
I had this exact same dream
last night,
but it wasn't butter.
Well, I've got to get
to gettin'.
Planning some Valentine's Day
surprises for my Jane.
Are you kidding?
You can't surprise that woman.
Birthday.
Surprise!
Did you think we were trying
to attack you
with a birthday cake?!
Hell of a party.
Hell of a party.
Look, guys.
I know my own damn wife, all right?
I got it covered.
Before you go,
I do want to confirm
that everyone will be using
my limousine services
for Valentine's night.
It's a big cash
grab for daddy.
Dave, can I pencil you in
for an 8:00 pickup?
Not gonna be needing daddy.
I'll be staying in.
Consider yourself penciled.
Nope. I will be preparing
a 5-course meal for Lindsay.
The crazy sex girl?-
You know it!
And if the sex is crazy
on a regular day...
Imagine what the V.D.
Sex is gonna be like.
V.D. Sex!
I get it. You're not bumping me
because I said "V. D."
No. We're not bumping you
'cause we're not Howie Mandel.
- High five!
- No.
- Handshake!
- I don't like it.
How about
a high school jock-nod?
- Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I can do that.
I can do that.-
- Yo.
- Yo.
- Yo.
- Yo, yo.
- Hey, yo, Rakim!
- Hey, yo. Yo, yo!
- Hey, yo!
- Hey, yo, what's up?!
- Yo. Yo.
- Yo, yo!
- Yo, my man.
- Yo.
- What up, Goldberg?
- Yo.
I love St. Valentine's Day.
You know, Valentine's Day was
invented by corporations
just to get people to buy stuff.
Come on, Jane.
You have no holiday spirit.
You said the same thing
about St. Patrick's day
and Vienna beef presents
National Hot Dog Day.
That is not a real holiday.
It was on a calendar
printed on a place mat
at a hot dog stand.
All right. You win,
but Saint Valentine is real.
It's a myth.
Valentinius Valentine was
a 9th-century Prussian martyr
who, after being ordained
at Saint Stanislaus church
in Schleswig-Holstein,
roamed the Black Forest
in search of his long-lost love,
Arbenus Sibonchka.
When you're actually
interested in something...
You're kinda scary.
Not as scary as what the romans
did to Saint Valentine.
Hint... they ripped him
tip to taint,
but if you really believe
in him,
he will help you find love,
and this year,
he's gonna help me.
One of my favorite customers
invited me
to a St. Valentine's Day
singles party.
Yeah. I bet you are gonna find
the man of your dreams at...
"Captain Danny's
balls-to-the-wall V-day keg race
in little Chechnya."
- You never know.
- No.
So have you guys decided
what sweet, sweet limo package
you're gonna grab for V-day?
I got the lovers' package.
That's $69.
I got the romance package.
That's $69.
I got the fantasy package.
So they're all $69?
No. The spa package happens
to be more expensive.
I thought we agreed
that one didn't work.
Buddy, that is
the finest mobile spa experience
you're gonna have for $169.
Do you guys mind?
I'm on a call.
It's our apartment.
Hey, Reed. I know.
I'm so bummed
I can't see you until V-day.
No, I'm not.
No, she's not.
(Normal voice) Tonight...
Ooh-gabooga...
Does not work, unfortch.
I'm too busy picking out
the perfect present for you.
No, I'm not.
- No, she's not.
- Tomorrow?
I hate this. I've got
a friend in town.
- No, she doesn't.
- Okay.
- Bye!
- I feel bad for that guy.
He's probably planning
this great night for you,
and you're just stringing him
along until you dump him.
What? No. No, I'm just
respecting the breakup window.
And I bought him
a very cute scarf.
Lindsay and I were supposed
to go see a movie,
but she just canceled.
That's cool. Gives me time
to design our V-day menu,
and you know I'm gonna kick it
off with a scrimp cocktail, son.
You gots
to open with the scrimp.
- You gots to open with the scrimp!
- Look at this.
- I'm scrimp-walkin'.
- Scrimp-walkin'.
I'm scrimp-walkin'.
Wait, wait, wait.
So Lindsay just canceled?
That seems odd.
Okay.
I see where you're getting at,
but not everybody
is as terrible a person as you,
Penny, all due respect.
Plus we're still having
brunch tomorrow, so...
Of course you are.
No, they're not.
No, they're not.
Penny, come on. That is rude.
- Yeah.
- Dave and Lindsay are fine.
- They are...
- Rock solid.
I'm standing right here, guys.
That only works
when you're on the phone.
Right.
Surprise!
Damn it!
Sorry. I'm sorry.
You know I hate surprises,
though.
Yeah. It's my fault.
Totally my fault
that you hit me in the face,
which is why I made
a list of surprises
I'm gonna be surprising you with
for Valentine's Day.
This is
the best surprise ever...
Although I could have used
a heads-up on this.
Yes.
How did you get
a table at Tableau?
Yeah.
That place is harder to get into
- than obvious joke here...
- Yeah.
The new alt comedy club
downtown.
Yeah, babe. I'm pulling out
all the stops.
I got a new suit,
stocked up on Michael
Jordan cologne,
and I'm gonna hit up
the dentist
to get my chompin' stones
polished for my lady.
You do love the dentist.
Hey, I'm the perfect patient.
Never had a cavity.
Never even had plaque...
Except for that plaque they
gave me for never having plaque.
That is
a pretty sweet plaque plaque.
What else is on here?
"Put on some d'Angelo,
then whip out my 'p'Angelo.'"
What's that... part of it?
That's, that's my...
My personal notes.
Okay.
Well, not gonna lie.
This lovers' special is not
moving the kinda units
I was expecting.
"Beef hearts and hearts of palm
on a hearty roll."
Real talk?
Your truck's not great.
Lindsay just canceled
brunch.
So she canceled
the movie yesterday,
and then she canceled
brunch today.
It sounds to me... and I'm just
putting this together...
Like your lady's really
respecting the breakup window.
No way. No, no. It's just
work's been very crazy,
and she had to pick up
a present for me,
and she's got a friend
coming into town. Boy.
Let's face it. No one has
ever had a friend in town.
Yeah, but what about
the fancy dinner I planned?
Well, this does not
feel good.
I think you mispronounced
"ahh."
You have a cavity.
Right.
A cavity. Good one, doc.
That's hilarious!
It's no big deal.
I'm just gonna give you
a tiny shot of novocain
so I can drill
that cavity out.
- Are you serious?!
- Yes.
No! No, no, no.
I don't do drills or shots.
I can't do pain, okay?
Give me the goof juice.
Just give me the goof juice,
and don't be bashful.
Put me all the way under,
all the way under.
I won't get mad
if I make in my pants.
Seriously.
I won't sue if I poo.
Your grandma's stuff
is so fancy.
Wasn't she, like,
a big party girl back
in the day?
Yeah.
J.F.K. once called her
"a real Chicago slut."
Why are you
always so proud of that?
It's Camelot, bro.
Grandma's lucky dress
and fur.
Better hope there's not
a black light at that party.
You guys. I don't know
how I'm gonna spend
an entire night alone
with the winker.
I bet you guys end up
together.
You can be
his Arbenus Sibonchka.
His what?
Okay, let's get out of here,
you little weirdo.
You wanna walk out with us?
No. Brad needs me
out of the house.
He's gonna surprise me
with champagne, candlelight,
and a horse-drawn carriage.
We are gonna live it up tonight.
We've lost him.
I think we gave him
too many drugs.
We found him.
Yes!
These dinosaurs are awesome.
Dude, how high are you
right now?
I'm so excited
about tonight.
The... the partition's
so rude.
Hey, guys.
Let's make this a group hang.
Jump on back here.
Let's play risk or something.
Help me.
No problem, friend.
And for just under 70 bucks,
I can throw in
the romantic music package,
which includes such hits
as Extreme's "More than words."
I secretly love that song.
Who doesn't? It's two men playing
acoustic guitar at each other.
Wait. Max, I think
this is where my party is.
Are you sure, Al? This is
a pretty nasty part of town.
The guy I sell my gray water to
lives around here.
No. This is it.
- Don't go!
- Have fun.
- Thank you, sir.
- You're welcome, madam.
Al, why don't you join us
for dinner?
Or we could call it
an early night.
I'm pretty Ty-Ty.
I just pounded a 5-hour.
Sorry, Pen, but I am
on a love mission,
courtesy of Saint Valentine,
and even though
his mission ended
in a beating so savage
that two of his tormentors
committed suicide
at the scene,
I'm hoping
for a different outcome.
Bye!
Wait.
Where is this place?
Oh. Excuse me.
Hey.
Are you looking for a party?
Yeah. How about downtown?
What?
Step away
from the car.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not a whore.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Are you not ready yet?
I'm ready.
Let's do this thang!
Oh, David.
Are those for me?
Nope.
Okay.
So how was your week?
Sorry I haven't seen you.
It's been, like, crazy.
Me, too. Totally crazy.
Went out a ton, met up
with my old drum circle,
so the yewzh.
Okay.
Shrimp.
Those are not for you.
So what's for our dinner?
Well, most people say
to eat light on V-day
'cause you're gonna
nude up soon.
I say, phooey.
Beans.
Hope you like beans,
Lindsay.
Like... I, um...
Thanks for
picking me up from jail, Max.
No problem. I just gotta
pick up one more couple,
then I'll take you
to your party.
No. It's cool.
After getting mistaken
for a whore,
it made me realize
something.
That your grandmother
was a whore.
No! That tonight is not
about me finding love.
It's about helping
other people find love.
That's what
Saint Valentine did
after the tragic death
of Arbenus Sibonchka.
- What?
- Well, you guessed it.
She was driven off a cliff
by wild boars.
Hello, fine gents.
How are you on this fine Eve...
What? I'm trying to help
people find love.
My God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
My God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
My God. Oh, my God.
Alex, that's my ex, Grant.
I remember him.
He's so cute.
What happened to you guys?
He dumped me...
A year ago today!
On Valentine's Day?!
That's why you hate
Saint Valentine.
- Why do you keep gasping?
- I don't know.
- Do you have asthma?
- No.
Are you sure?
Babe, why don't you let me
take over on the dipping?
No?
You go in here.
Getting your whole...
Hand in there.
Hey,
where did my strawberry go?
Sweetie, you don't have
to do this.
Where did you go, man?
Okay, you should probably
just go to bed.
You know, the doctor said
he's surprised you're alive.
Got my third wind.
- Yeah.
What time is it?
We gotta go.
Max is gonna pick
us up and take us to Tableau
in his limo.
Right.
Fourth wind!
Valentine's Day is the best day
to do whites.
No one's using the machines.
What is your deal?
You said we were gonna have
a beautiful dinner,
then go for a limo ride.
Instead you made beans,
you did your laundry,
and you spent 45 minutes
photographing your game genie
for an eBay auction.
Lindsay, I know
about the breakup window.
What are you talking about?
Come on.
"Work was crazy."
Then you said you had
to pick up a present for me.
Then you said you had
a friend in town.
Nobody ever has a friend
in town.
Work has been crazy,
and I do have a friend in town,
and we were gonna give you
your dream gift.
A sit-down with guy fieri?
No, Dave. A threesome.
Gotcha!
You guys.
I had you going.
I had you going.
I was kidding!
You got faced!
You got faced!
You must feel so stupid
right now.
Yeah, real stupid.
Listen, I've got something
serious to tell both of you.
What?
Please let me do it.
Please.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Good-bye, Dave.
No, no.
Bye-bye.
Please.
My God. So Grant dumped you
on Valentine's Day?
What did you do?
Nothing. Literally nothing.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Were we supposed
to hang out today?
I double-booked you
and this pizza.
So you
took Grant for granted?
God. That made me sad
when you said that.
Well, it's the truth.
No, how you said it
made me sad,
but will you do me a favor?
Will you go let them out
so that I don't have to
see him, please?
You like him,
you really like him
What?
That is so...
- Me?
- Yeah.
Just a little.
- Care?
- Yeah.
About anything ever,
especially something emotional
I don't care about at all?
Does this look like me, or does
it look like somebody else?
I think I can get away
with it.
Maybe an accent.
All right.
Thank you very much,
gentlemen,
for choosing this particular
unlicensed limousine company
for your Valentine's Day.
Max?
Grant.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Clark, this is Max.
Great.
Another guy you know.
I feel like I'm always
swimming upstream
against a steady current
of your ex-boyfriends.
It's like I'm a gay salmon
fighting for my life
in a river of bears.
More of a cub, but...
Sorry you had to see
that mixed metaphor.
Our...
Our relationship has been
really touch and go lately.
He, uh, he touches me,
and I go, "stop touching me."
Sorry you had to hear that,
too.
Well, I mean, he seems nice.
He's taking you out
on Valentine's Day.
That's better than the last
chump you dated.
Yeah.
Hey, good to see you, Max.
You, uh, you, too, man.
Happy Valentine's Day.
I knew it.
You are the one
that's supposed to find love
on Valentine's Day.
Al, he's literally
with another guy.
Okay, someone needs to find love
tonight, or I'll freak.
Guys, you know how
I was gonna dump Reed?
Well, he just dumped me.
I mean, he said I had this quirk
that he just couldn't stand.
I hate how you abbreviate
everything.
People love my abbreves.
They're cute.
Penny, you asked my aunt
how she was feeling
after her "full hysterecto."
I was trying to keep
the vibe light.
Look, I wanted to wait
to break up with you
'cause, you know, the window,
but I just can't.
I'm sorry, Penny.
Wait, so...
Are we actually done or...
I'm confused.
And then he said he hates
when I say "amahzing,"
but I've barely said that
at all this season.
You mean winter?
Yeah.
It's more of a summer word.
All right, well,
we all struck out, okay,
but we are on our way
to pick up Dave and his girl,
so let's just rejoice
in his love.
Well, I just blew a threesome.
We talking two V's, one "D,"
or two D's, one "V"?
Two V's, Penny. Two V's.
You and your stupid
breakup window.
It's a thing!
But I'm sorry, Dave.
I know this has been something
you've wanted for a long time.
I mean,
your first e-mail address
It sure was.
Thanks for understanding.
All right. All right,
so it didn't work out
for me, you, Dave, or Max,
but I think Saint Valentine
is gonna come through
for Brad and Jane.
Snap!
We in a limo!
Hey. Ross. Rachel.
Phoebe.
- Fat Joey.
- I love you guys.
Brad went to the dentist today.
Got rip high.
Poor guy.
It's like "Weekend at
Bernie Mac's" back here.
Wait. So your date was
also a bust?
God.
I guess Saint Valentine isn't real.
It's Grant.
"So much for Clark.
Another Valentine's Day ruined,
thanks to you. X.O."
"X. O."?! Faith restored!
Saint Valentine is gonna work
his love magic...
For you and Grant.
Guys, don't you see?
Max and Grant are the ones
who are supposed to find love.
- Come on. Let's go get him.
- For love.
I can't just go get him.
The whole reason that
he broke up with me was
'cause I blew it on Valentine's Day.
What am I gonna do, go win him
back with more nothing?
I know a horsey!
Okay. I bet you do.
Don't patronize me, Monica.
Okay.
That's it.
We are gonna get you Grant.
For love. Step on it!
Max. Hi.
I just... I'm so bad
at apologies.
I mean, so bad.
Often they're followed
by a second apology,
which is then followed
by an apology text,
and in one case, a large
cash settlement.
I just want to say I'm sorry,
Grant, about everything,
and...
Happy Valentine's Day.
I thought you hated
Valentine's Day.
I did, but I just thought,
maybe with the right guy,
it would be kind of okay,
you know, and...
Since Dennis Farina
is straight...
I thought, why don't you
and I hang out?
I got you this.
It's a scarf. Whoops.
Let's do it.
we got the horsies...
Right hea!
We should go because this is
a bit of a fire hazard.
I-I'm just gonna blow
these out.
You guys, stop. We'll do that.
Max, you guys get in.
Here. Fellas, enjoy this,
and enjoy our reservation
at Tableau.
It's gonna take you
forever to get there,
but at least it'll smell better
than Max's limo.
Thanks.
You know, I wouldn't
actually touch those blankets.
I hear bums have sex
in these things
when they're parked
in the park, you know...
I'll sh... I'll shut up.
We did it!
I just want to give all
of you guys a big hug right now...
Something the real
Saint Valentine couldn't do
after the romans ripped
his arms and legs off.
They really went hard
at that guy.
Was there anything left
of him?
Yeah. His heart,
which they skewered
and publically displayed
in the town's center,
and that is why
the heart is the symbol
of Saint Valentine's Day.
What should we do now?
Let's get drunk.