Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 2, Episode 12 - Makin' Changes! - full transcript
Penny tries to change a guy to suit her needs.
So...
What you up to, Pen?
Every muscle in my body
is blasted.
My ex-boyfriend,
as of four minutes ago,
is super into
cross-countryskiing.
It is horrible, okay?
It is like NordicTrack,
only with wolves.
Penny, you're doing it again--
Pretending to be into
the stupid stuff the guys
you're dating are into.
You always change to fit a guy.
No, sometimes I change
to fit a girl
if she's got cute guy friends.
I'm gonna say this because
I am of your best friends,
and I don't want to overstep,
but every choice you make
in your life about everything
is monumentally wrong.
That's funny 'cause it's sad.
Okay, what's your point?
What I'm saying is
don't change to fit a guy.
Find a guy. Change him.
That's what I did.
What?
Literally any guy would do.
You should have seen Brad
when we first met. Oy.
- What?
- Really? Any guy?
Even the guy that always
brings his cat to the bar?
Or... how about Jeff?
- Whoo!
- Jeff is really fun at trivia night
and sweet and smart.
Jeff? He's a scrub.
I don't want no scrub.
A scrub is a guy that can't
get no love from me.
I can't go back
on a mantra like that.
Come on. He's wearing
shower shoes in a bar.
He's got a soul patch in a bar.
He's doing the running man
in a bar.
Do you know what's under
that hockey jersey?
A "family guy" tattoo?
Possibly,
but also the perfect guy.
Come on. You deserve to have
a guy change for you
the way Brad changed for me.
I'm not gonna say "what" again,
but you know I'm thinking it.
You know what, Jane?
Maybe you're right.
I'm gonna give this a try.
Oh, my God.
Year of Penny. Suck it.
So that whole changing me stuff
you told Penny was just
BS slumber-party pep-talk
period crap, right?
Oh, "change" is such
an ugly word.
I just modified
everything about you
to make you better...
For me.
Nobody changed me.
I got your "change"
in my pocket.
Oh.
Come on, boo-bear.
When we first met, you were
a total college bonehead.
You wore cargo shorts...
And skater dreads.
You were obsessed
with the show "Jackass."
Yeah, obsessed with taking
a stand against discrimination!
Why wasn't there a black man
in "Jackass," huh?
What, a brother can't staple
his butts together now?
He can.
- I got staples.
- You've got tons of 'em.
- And I got so much butts.
- So much butts.
You needed to change, okay,
and I did that.
So you're saying
you didn't love old Brad.
Of course I loved old Brad,
just like how I love
those chairs your mom gave us
that I had reupholstered,
refinished
so they're unrecognizable.
Okay.
- All right.
- No.
Why do you have
"idea" face right now?
- You'll see.
- Is something about to happen?
Strap in.
Seriously.
Click it or ticket.
Put your seat belt on.
Ticks are expensive as hell.
I love my babies,
and by "babies," of course,
I mean my magazines.
These people make me look like
I have my life together.
Aw. That's nice that you think that.
Ohh.
You guys are still watching
this stupid hoarders show?
No, no. This one's different.
Her hoarding has been
really hard on me,
mainly because I'm addicted
to eating magazines.
- Oh, no, no. No!
- You guys are addicted
- to these addiction shows.
- No! No.
Dave?
Dave, are you wearing
a different v-neck
than you were wearing
two hours ago, bud?
I am, in fact, wearing
a different v-neck.
Thank you for noticing.
Actually,
I keep one in the truck
just in case I want
to make the old switch.
I call it my "emergen-tee."
I'm gonna put on my jammies.
Oh, my God, Alex.
You understand what's
happening here, right?
Yes. Maybe.
Let's say it at the same time.
- Why would we say it at the same time...
- Let's go. Here.
- If you understand what I'm talking about?
- 'Cause, uh--I got you.
Come on.
Dave is clearly addicted
to v-necks.
Addicted to v-necks! Yes!
Wait. What? That's crazy.
No, Alex, when he left
for his date,
he was wearing a v-neck sweater
over a v-neck t-shirt.
Then he switched to a different
v-neck t-shirt mid-date.
That's three v's.
Chocolate milk.
Oh, my God.
That's four v's.
Yeah.
That's almost five.
So...
How'd it go with Jeff?
Was he wearing
another hockey jersey?
Did you guys zamboni?
Did he make it
to your penalty box?
Are you done?
Did you puck?
I'll e-mail the rest.
Actually, we had a fun time.
I mean, he's really nice.
He's got a good job,
but there are
so many more deal-breakers
than we thought.
He's 30 going on 20,
and he still says "sick"
and "dawg"
and, sadly, never when
referring to a sick dog.
- Mm.
- His apartment smells like appetizers.
He's got street signs
everywhere.
It's like he's squatting
in a vacant Bennigan's.
Check it.
See that mini fridge?
You can reach it from my futon.
Sick, right?
Futon, huh?
Yeah. It's also my couch.
I'm really into combo stuff
right now, you know,
like, see the beer sign?
- It's also my reading lamp.
- Oh.
Have you--have you read
The New Joyce Carol Oates?
It is dope, mang.
But, uh,
he reads Joyce Carol Oates.
I mean,
there's some potential there.
But the apartment, the clothes,
the beatnik-juggalo
facial hair.
You can change all of that.
Just woman him.
Just woman him into submission.
Just woman him
around the edges.
So trick him?
Yes.
Dave.
- Dave.
- Dave. David.
David.
- Dave!
- Dave!
Uncle Rich!
I'm sorry! "Uncle Rich"?
- My Uncle Rich?
- What's happening?
David, you have a problem.
How many v-neck t-shirts
have you worn this weekend?
Uh, I don't know.
What's a baker's dozen?
- 11.
- 13. Huh?
I think my baker's
ripping me off.
Look, Dave, you are
addicted to v-necks.
Guys, can I go back to sleep?
No, you have a problem,
and it needs to be addressed!
Oh, this is ridiculous.
You're watching too many
of those shows.
Which is why we know
that you have a problem.
Will you please accept the help
that we are offering you today?
Okay, is this one
of those things
where if I don't say yes,
you're not gonna let me
go back to sleep?
- Yeah...
- Yeah.
And I've been sleeping all day
in preparation for this.
Actually, I didn't know
this was gonna happen,
but I have been sleeping
all day...
So I'm all keyed up!
Hey, what's up?
I'm Brad Williams,
and welcome to "Blackass."
It's our time now!
Damn right!
"Blackass," y'all!
Yeah!
This right he...
Whoo!
Is the snack pack
mousetrap front flip.
We got the puddin',
we got the traps,
and we got the tramp.
Whoo!
Let's do this.
Uh-huh.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Yeah!
Yeah!
It's going down! Panties!
Did you see that?!
♪
What's going on?
Old Brad is back! Unh! Unh!
Old Brad is back.
He's back.
Old Brad is back.
Oh! Look at the leg-- Oh.
Aah! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow!
Thighs! Ow! Hand! Hand!
Ow! Ow! Oh, yeah!
What is happening here?
Oh, nothin'.
Just being the old Brad,
before you modified him
to suit your needs.
Okay.
That's what this is about?
You're damn right
that's what this is about.
I'm lovin' being old Brad.
Ow!
Aah. That's my good nipple.
Look, boo,
if you love old Brad,
then I love old Brad.
Wait. Why do you have
"idea" face now?
No. This is
my "I love old Brad" face.
It's a... grr.
- Good.
- Great.
The old Brad is back!
Oh! Aah!
- Ow! Aah! Ow!
- Hey, man, I reset those traps,
so heads up.
So do you like hockey?
- Do I?
- Yeah.
Do I?
No, not really.
Oh, well, I'd love to take you
to a game sometime.
- Oh, that would be really nice.
- Yeah.
You are hella sweet, Penny.
Aw.
- Ohh!
- Oh, my-- Aah!
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry!
- Ohh.
Did I ruin your hockey costume?
Ohh. It's on the blackhawk.
Oh. Damn it. I think I have
a napkin in my purse.
Ohh! I don't have a napkin,
but I do have a Steven Alan
reverse-seam dress shirt.
Oh. Why do you have that?
Wha-- You don't like it?
Okay, because I think
I also have it
in gunmetal gray.
That's actually pretty sick.
- Pretty "great."
- Yeah, dawg. Sick!
- "Great"!
- Sick!
Okay. Just wear the shirt.
Okay.
Guys, for the last time,
I am not addicted to v-necks,
but I will humor you
and allow you to put these
into storage to prove it.
Humor mode activated.
I don't know what that was.
I do. Denial.
- Oh, yeah.
- Look, Dave,
your whole wardrobe is
v-necks.
- Mm-hmm.
- Guys, do whatever you want, okay?
Except maybe don't take
this one.
It's kinda my date "v."
I get "v" in this "v."
- Ugh.
- Bargaining.
Fine. This is stupid.
Just take 'em away.
Good. Got all of 'em
except for one--
The one you're wearing, champ.
Really?
Fine.
It's a farmer's "v."
Look at the track marks.
You been dancing
with Mr. V., son?
- "Mr. V."?
- Tweaker.
Who is Mr. V.?
Why are we here?
Uh, I could have sworn
this was an all-you-could-eat
wings place.
Ugh! Gentrification.
But I guess, you know,
if we're here, we could
take a look around.
Oopsie golly!
Me fall on mattress!
Whoa. Whoa.
Luckily, this plush-top
memory-foam sleep number 45
broke our fall.
This is really comfortable.
Yeah. This is, like--
Like, mad cozy, dawg.
I wonder how much it costs.
Hmm. Yeah.
Oofa moofa.
I guess some things
are just
for the one-percenters.
Well, no, how much--
How much is it?
I... It's $800.
Oh, the nerve!
Yeah, I-I have 800 bucks,
you know?
- I mean, I was...
- Yeah?
Gonna buy a video game chair,
but, you know, I th--
I really think I would use
this a lot more.
I mean...
You probably would.
Yeah.
You know what? Maybe it's time
to update my apartment.
This stuff's sick.
I had never thought
that before,
but now that you're saying it
and we're rapping about it...
- Sure.
- I think you totally should.
Yeah.
You know what else
they have here?
What?
Other stuff!
What?
I'm down with other stuff, mang.
- Yay!
- Yeah!
Oh, don't say "mang."
Check it out.
Old Brad went out
and got a butts-load
of his old CDs.
- Ooh.
- Get ready, 'cause I'm gonna be
bumpin' the sugar ray
all night long.
Mm.
Boo-yah! I'm bringing
that back, too.
Oh, fun.
Ohh. That smells
good as hell.
I made a dry-aged
New York strip steak.
Yumbers.
Don't mind if I didgeridoo.
Oh, but in college,
old Brad didn't eat
dry-aged steak.
No. He said
that he could live off
of cereal and turkey dogs.
Old Brad said what?
Mm-hmm.
You know, I figured
I'd take my hooks out of you
and let you be old Brad.
Old Brad is not even hungry
anyway.
He's just gonna go upstairs,
take a nice, hot lavender bath
- and soak his new dread.
- Mm.
It's a spud,
but it's growin', mon.
Mm. Love it.
- Yeah.
- Irie, mon.
- Look at that.
- Lord have mercy.
- Ohh.
- Boop, boop, boop!
Bath time.
Might want to rethink
that bath, though,
because old Brad
didn't take baths.
He took showers 'cause his tub
was filled with 311 CDs, so...
Old Brad couldn't afford
a CD tower.
I know. It's so sad.
You know what's not sad?
What?
The taste of this eak...
In my damn mouth.
Mmm. Boo-yah!
Boo-ya-ka-sha! Mmm!
Oh, no, you di'in't.
It is so good.
- Ha!
- Mnh. No.
- Ay!
- No. Still mine.
- Ow.
- Mmm.
Aah!
Wow.
Not bad, right?
My crib looks seriously off
the hee-zee, right?
Yes, Jeff. Your apartment
looks seriously nice.
Thank you.
You look seriously nice.
Aw.
- Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What?
I have a super sexy idea.
Why don't we go
into the bathroom,
take off your shirt...
- Listening.
- And shave your face
- and burn your hat.
- Wh--
Okay, what--
What's going on, Penny?
You want-- You want me
to change my apartment,
my clothes,
my cool s-patch.
That's, like, a lot of change.
Jeff, you're a great guy...
- True dat.
- But you dress and talk
- like a 20-year-old.
- Oh, my God.
Okay, now you're sounding a lot
like my ex-girlfriend Emily.
We almost got married,
but we didn't
because I wouldn't change
for her.
You know, I'm not--
I'm not gonna change for you.
I ain't sellin' out.
Well, why?
Don't you love your new shirt
and your new bed
and your new furniture?
Yeah. Yeah, I do, but--
Look, okay?
Jeff, this could be you.
Welcome to 2012.
Welcome to sex town,
population Jeffrey Niebert.
- What?
- That was weird.
Well, I guess I do look
pretty fresh, right?
Maybe you got a point, dawg.
Ohh. Also, maybe don't say
"dawg" or "stoked"
or "crushed" or "mang"
or add "izzle" or "iznit"
to anything,
but that's it, and that is all.
Oh, and don't wear
those shower shoes.
Now that's it. Yay!
Let's make out
after your shave your face
and burn that hat. Yay!
Hello.
Aah!
How were your "errands," David?
If that's even your real name.
Just... normal errands.
How about you guys?
Did you guys have a good day?
Did you get stuff done today?
Why don't you take
your coat off?
If that's even a real coat.
- It's kinda chilly in here, guys.
- No, it's not.
I think
you're wearing a v-neck.
Man, I haven't v'ed
in three days.
David.
Coat... off.
Fine.
Oh. I'm sorry.
You should be.
You should both be very sorry.
Hey! Sidestep back out here
for a second, young man.
Turn around!
Busted! I knew it!
You know what? You guys
don't know what it's like.
Just leave me alone!
We're more disappointed
than mad, David!
He's hit rock bottom.
We need to do for Dave
what Sharon's family did
for her on "Bulk Eaters"--
Help.
Yeah, except I think
Sharon died in the end.
- Yeah. She definitely died.
- Okay.
I even
convinced Jeff to stop saying "dawg."
Jane was right.
You can change a man.
I'm gonna start a blog
or a Twitter...
And then it'll
become a TV series
starring Alyssa Milano.
Boy, I wish
my last name was a cookie.
Oh, shh. Shh.
Here he comes.
♪
♪ no, no ♪
♪ I don't want no scrub ♪
♪ a scrub is a guy that can't
get no love from me ♪
Damn, dawg! He looks sick.
♪ Trying to holla at me,
I don't want no scrub ♪
- Hi. Hey.
- Hi.
Mwah. How ya doin'?
Guess what?
What?
I'm engaged.
What?!
Congratulations.
Thank you.
♪ A scrub is a guy that... ♪
Um...
Seriously, Alex, how many times
did you play this song?
A baker's dozen, so 13.
♪ And just sits
on his broke ass ♪
Hey, Jane.
And you would be
doing... what?
Nothing weird.
Just blowing the smell
of new Brad's favorite candle
downstairs
so old Brad will finally admit
he's better the way I made him.
Mm. You guys seem great.
Well...
Turns out,
you were right, Jane.
I did end up changing Jeff
into a perfect guy.
I told you. Did he thank you?
They never thank you.
He did. You know who else
thanked me? His ex-girlfriend.
Well, that's nice.
It's a really sweet story.
Jeff ran into Emily
at this flea market,
where he was buying
this handsome wall sconce
that I suggested,
and it turns out,
em loves the new Jeff...
So much so
that they just got
right on engaged
at the flea market.
Ohh!
I am done changing guys.
God, that-- that sucks.
I'm sorry. I mean, what--
What is it with guys?
How does Brad not admit
that I made him better?
Check out what he looked like
when we first met.
Whoa.
- Yeah. Ohh.
- Look at those nasty dreads...
And that busted
ska-punk skank he was dating.
I don't know who that is.
That's not you
with the pink hair
flashing a horse cop?
I don't...
And that's not you throwing up
behind a tent
at a Korn concert?
Mm...
It's me.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Point taken.
- Ooh!
I love this one
of you making out
with your "roommate" Margaret
in the doubletree hot tub.
Okay.
Oh, Margaret.
I liked Margaret.
Well, now Mark...
What's he up to?
Whoo! I'm so excited!
An intervention?
It's like having
a surprise party
for someone who's gonna
hate you.
Surprise!
What going on?
Please, come sit with us, Dave.
- This is a safe space.
- Who are you?
This is Phil.
He's a licensed drug counselor.
Okay? Don't be scared.
It's exactly
what it looks like--
An interveen-tion.
I thought we were going
with intervench-veen.
That really sounds
better to you?
Oh, God, you guys,
I am not addicted to v-necks.
I thought you said
this was a serious issue.
You can't be addicted
to v-necks.
Yeah, you can. I'm addicted
to how good you look
- in that argyle.
- This is not the place for that.
Oh, that's how you guys
know each other.
And why is Scotty here?
You couldn't get any
of my real friends
for my fake intervention?
Admit that you have
a problem, Doug!
Doug? It's Dave.
Listen, this is really stupid,
but I got an hour to kill
before I have to be
at a real intervention, so...
Sit with us, Dave.
- Sit down.
- I got it, Scotty.
Let me ask you a question.
Why do you wear
so many v-necks?
Piercing question, Phil.
Who cares?
They're just shirts.
I like the way they look.
They make me feel safe.
Safe? Keep going with that.
Keep going with that.
- Talk more about the shirt thing.
- Fine.
Well, I...
I was 11 years old.
I was being bullied
by this fat kid,
appropriately named
"Fat Harold."
- Mm-hmm. - He would do this thing
where he'd come up behind me
and yank me to the ground
by the back of my shirt.
It was miserable,
till I started wearing v-necks.
Then I had enough room
to wriggle out and get away.
V-necks always made me
feel comfortable, safe.
Wow, Dave,
what an inappropriate forum
for such a long
and boring story.
I mean, sorry.
Yeah, we're sorry
about all this.
I mean, we were just bored.
Come here. I don't care what
kind of t-shirts you wear, okay?
I-I think you look great
in v-necks.
Guys...
I think I might be
addicted to Vicodin.
Hmm?
Brad, I was wrong.
I'm--I'm sorry. What...
Is happening?
Is that old Jane?
Let's go
with "Previous Jane."
Forgot how hard you rocked those
Gwen Stefani chola eyebrows.
No doubt!
No.
Brad, I'm sorry if I hurt
your feelings.
But the truth is,
I did change you.
But...
You changed me, too.
Old Brad and, uh...
Previous Jane
fell in love and...
We changed together.
We grew...
Like this.
Aw, babe.
You know, you lookin' so good
is kinda making me wanna
get us out of these clothes...
If you know what I mean.
I know what you mean.
Oh, yeah. It's just
the way I like it.
Oh, God.
It's so good.
- Oh!
- Ahh.
Mmm. Yumbers.
So...
What is a fit bird like you
doing in a pub like this?
Just ordering something British
like a Shandy or Ace One.
No, I am not British.
I was just doing that
to impress you,
but I am done changing
for guys,
and I am done changing them,
too. Sorry.
It's all right.
I'm actually not British
either.
Yeah. I just-- I heard
girls were into accents,
and you were really cute.
Also, I was a preemie.
I was a preemie, too!
No, I wasn't.
I was five weeks late. I do not
know what's wrong with me.
Brilliantly played.
Well done.
Thank you.
- Hey, guys.
- Wow.
Hey! Dave, is there something
different about you?
You part your hair
on the other side, you animal.
No.
He's wearing a turtleneck.
Clutch the pearls.
Yeah, it's been four days.
I'm feeling great.
It feels like a new chapter.
- So proud of you, Dave.
- Oh, thank you.
- This is big.
- Oh, thank you.
- We're all really proud.
- Really big.
- Oh, thanks.
- Big stuff.
- Couldn't have done it
without you guys. - We're proud.
What you up to, Pen?
Every muscle in my body
is blasted.
My ex-boyfriend,
as of four minutes ago,
is super into
cross-countryskiing.
It is horrible, okay?
It is like NordicTrack,
only with wolves.
Penny, you're doing it again--
Pretending to be into
the stupid stuff the guys
you're dating are into.
You always change to fit a guy.
No, sometimes I change
to fit a girl
if she's got cute guy friends.
I'm gonna say this because
I am of your best friends,
and I don't want to overstep,
but every choice you make
in your life about everything
is monumentally wrong.
That's funny 'cause it's sad.
Okay, what's your point?
What I'm saying is
don't change to fit a guy.
Find a guy. Change him.
That's what I did.
What?
Literally any guy would do.
You should have seen Brad
when we first met. Oy.
- What?
- Really? Any guy?
Even the guy that always
brings his cat to the bar?
Or... how about Jeff?
- Whoo!
- Jeff is really fun at trivia night
and sweet and smart.
Jeff? He's a scrub.
I don't want no scrub.
A scrub is a guy that can't
get no love from me.
I can't go back
on a mantra like that.
Come on. He's wearing
shower shoes in a bar.
He's got a soul patch in a bar.
He's doing the running man
in a bar.
Do you know what's under
that hockey jersey?
A "family guy" tattoo?
Possibly,
but also the perfect guy.
Come on. You deserve to have
a guy change for you
the way Brad changed for me.
I'm not gonna say "what" again,
but you know I'm thinking it.
You know what, Jane?
Maybe you're right.
I'm gonna give this a try.
Oh, my God.
Year of Penny. Suck it.
So that whole changing me stuff
you told Penny was just
BS slumber-party pep-talk
period crap, right?
Oh, "change" is such
an ugly word.
I just modified
everything about you
to make you better...
For me.
Nobody changed me.
I got your "change"
in my pocket.
Oh.
Come on, boo-bear.
When we first met, you were
a total college bonehead.
You wore cargo shorts...
And skater dreads.
You were obsessed
with the show "Jackass."
Yeah, obsessed with taking
a stand against discrimination!
Why wasn't there a black man
in "Jackass," huh?
What, a brother can't staple
his butts together now?
He can.
- I got staples.
- You've got tons of 'em.
- And I got so much butts.
- So much butts.
You needed to change, okay,
and I did that.
So you're saying
you didn't love old Brad.
Of course I loved old Brad,
just like how I love
those chairs your mom gave us
that I had reupholstered,
refinished
so they're unrecognizable.
Okay.
- All right.
- No.
Why do you have
"idea" face right now?
- You'll see.
- Is something about to happen?
Strap in.
Seriously.
Click it or ticket.
Put your seat belt on.
Ticks are expensive as hell.
I love my babies,
and by "babies," of course,
I mean my magazines.
These people make me look like
I have my life together.
Aw. That's nice that you think that.
Ohh.
You guys are still watching
this stupid hoarders show?
No, no. This one's different.
Her hoarding has been
really hard on me,
mainly because I'm addicted
to eating magazines.
- Oh, no, no. No!
- You guys are addicted
- to these addiction shows.
- No! No.
Dave?
Dave, are you wearing
a different v-neck
than you were wearing
two hours ago, bud?
I am, in fact, wearing
a different v-neck.
Thank you for noticing.
Actually,
I keep one in the truck
just in case I want
to make the old switch.
I call it my "emergen-tee."
I'm gonna put on my jammies.
Oh, my God, Alex.
You understand what's
happening here, right?
Yes. Maybe.
Let's say it at the same time.
- Why would we say it at the same time...
- Let's go. Here.
- If you understand what I'm talking about?
- 'Cause, uh--I got you.
Come on.
Dave is clearly addicted
to v-necks.
Addicted to v-necks! Yes!
Wait. What? That's crazy.
No, Alex, when he left
for his date,
he was wearing a v-neck sweater
over a v-neck t-shirt.
Then he switched to a different
v-neck t-shirt mid-date.
That's three v's.
Chocolate milk.
Oh, my God.
That's four v's.
Yeah.
That's almost five.
So...
How'd it go with Jeff?
Was he wearing
another hockey jersey?
Did you guys zamboni?
Did he make it
to your penalty box?
Are you done?
Did you puck?
I'll e-mail the rest.
Actually, we had a fun time.
I mean, he's really nice.
He's got a good job,
but there are
so many more deal-breakers
than we thought.
He's 30 going on 20,
and he still says "sick"
and "dawg"
and, sadly, never when
referring to a sick dog.
- Mm.
- His apartment smells like appetizers.
He's got street signs
everywhere.
It's like he's squatting
in a vacant Bennigan's.
Check it.
See that mini fridge?
You can reach it from my futon.
Sick, right?
Futon, huh?
Yeah. It's also my couch.
I'm really into combo stuff
right now, you know,
like, see the beer sign?
- It's also my reading lamp.
- Oh.
Have you--have you read
The New Joyce Carol Oates?
It is dope, mang.
But, uh,
he reads Joyce Carol Oates.
I mean,
there's some potential there.
But the apartment, the clothes,
the beatnik-juggalo
facial hair.
You can change all of that.
Just woman him.
Just woman him into submission.
Just woman him
around the edges.
So trick him?
Yes.
Dave.
- Dave.
- Dave. David.
David.
- Dave!
- Dave!
Uncle Rich!
I'm sorry! "Uncle Rich"?
- My Uncle Rich?
- What's happening?
David, you have a problem.
How many v-neck t-shirts
have you worn this weekend?
Uh, I don't know.
What's a baker's dozen?
- 11.
- 13. Huh?
I think my baker's
ripping me off.
Look, Dave, you are
addicted to v-necks.
Guys, can I go back to sleep?
No, you have a problem,
and it needs to be addressed!
Oh, this is ridiculous.
You're watching too many
of those shows.
Which is why we know
that you have a problem.
Will you please accept the help
that we are offering you today?
Okay, is this one
of those things
where if I don't say yes,
you're not gonna let me
go back to sleep?
- Yeah...
- Yeah.
And I've been sleeping all day
in preparation for this.
Actually, I didn't know
this was gonna happen,
but I have been sleeping
all day...
So I'm all keyed up!
Hey, what's up?
I'm Brad Williams,
and welcome to "Blackass."
It's our time now!
Damn right!
"Blackass," y'all!
Yeah!
This right he...
Whoo!
Is the snack pack
mousetrap front flip.
We got the puddin',
we got the traps,
and we got the tramp.
Whoo!
Let's do this.
Uh-huh.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Yeah!
Yeah!
It's going down! Panties!
Did you see that?!
♪
What's going on?
Old Brad is back! Unh! Unh!
Old Brad is back.
He's back.
Old Brad is back.
Oh! Look at the leg-- Oh.
Aah! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow!
Thighs! Ow! Hand! Hand!
Ow! Ow! Oh, yeah!
What is happening here?
Oh, nothin'.
Just being the old Brad,
before you modified him
to suit your needs.
Okay.
That's what this is about?
You're damn right
that's what this is about.
I'm lovin' being old Brad.
Ow!
Aah. That's my good nipple.
Look, boo,
if you love old Brad,
then I love old Brad.
Wait. Why do you have
"idea" face now?
No. This is
my "I love old Brad" face.
It's a... grr.
- Good.
- Great.
The old Brad is back!
Oh! Aah!
- Ow! Aah! Ow!
- Hey, man, I reset those traps,
so heads up.
So do you like hockey?
- Do I?
- Yeah.
Do I?
No, not really.
Oh, well, I'd love to take you
to a game sometime.
- Oh, that would be really nice.
- Yeah.
You are hella sweet, Penny.
Aw.
- Ohh!
- Oh, my-- Aah!
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry!
- Ohh.
Did I ruin your hockey costume?
Ohh. It's on the blackhawk.
Oh. Damn it. I think I have
a napkin in my purse.
Ohh! I don't have a napkin,
but I do have a Steven Alan
reverse-seam dress shirt.
Oh. Why do you have that?
Wha-- You don't like it?
Okay, because I think
I also have it
in gunmetal gray.
That's actually pretty sick.
- Pretty "great."
- Yeah, dawg. Sick!
- "Great"!
- Sick!
Okay. Just wear the shirt.
Okay.
Guys, for the last time,
I am not addicted to v-necks,
but I will humor you
and allow you to put these
into storage to prove it.
Humor mode activated.
I don't know what that was.
I do. Denial.
- Oh, yeah.
- Look, Dave,
your whole wardrobe is
v-necks.
- Mm-hmm.
- Guys, do whatever you want, okay?
Except maybe don't take
this one.
It's kinda my date "v."
I get "v" in this "v."
- Ugh.
- Bargaining.
Fine. This is stupid.
Just take 'em away.
Good. Got all of 'em
except for one--
The one you're wearing, champ.
Really?
Fine.
It's a farmer's "v."
Look at the track marks.
You been dancing
with Mr. V., son?
- "Mr. V."?
- Tweaker.
Who is Mr. V.?
Why are we here?
Uh, I could have sworn
this was an all-you-could-eat
wings place.
Ugh! Gentrification.
But I guess, you know,
if we're here, we could
take a look around.
Oopsie golly!
Me fall on mattress!
Whoa. Whoa.
Luckily, this plush-top
memory-foam sleep number 45
broke our fall.
This is really comfortable.
Yeah. This is, like--
Like, mad cozy, dawg.
I wonder how much it costs.
Hmm. Yeah.
Oofa moofa.
I guess some things
are just
for the one-percenters.
Well, no, how much--
How much is it?
I... It's $800.
Oh, the nerve!
Yeah, I-I have 800 bucks,
you know?
- I mean, I was...
- Yeah?
Gonna buy a video game chair,
but, you know, I th--
I really think I would use
this a lot more.
I mean...
You probably would.
Yeah.
You know what? Maybe it's time
to update my apartment.
This stuff's sick.
I had never thought
that before,
but now that you're saying it
and we're rapping about it...
- Sure.
- I think you totally should.
Yeah.
You know what else
they have here?
What?
Other stuff!
What?
I'm down with other stuff, mang.
- Yay!
- Yeah!
Oh, don't say "mang."
Check it out.
Old Brad went out
and got a butts-load
of his old CDs.
- Ooh.
- Get ready, 'cause I'm gonna be
bumpin' the sugar ray
all night long.
Mm.
Boo-yah! I'm bringing
that back, too.
Oh, fun.
Ohh. That smells
good as hell.
I made a dry-aged
New York strip steak.
Yumbers.
Don't mind if I didgeridoo.
Oh, but in college,
old Brad didn't eat
dry-aged steak.
No. He said
that he could live off
of cereal and turkey dogs.
Old Brad said what?
Mm-hmm.
You know, I figured
I'd take my hooks out of you
and let you be old Brad.
Old Brad is not even hungry
anyway.
He's just gonna go upstairs,
take a nice, hot lavender bath
- and soak his new dread.
- Mm.
It's a spud,
but it's growin', mon.
Mm. Love it.
- Yeah.
- Irie, mon.
- Look at that.
- Lord have mercy.
- Ohh.
- Boop, boop, boop!
Bath time.
Might want to rethink
that bath, though,
because old Brad
didn't take baths.
He took showers 'cause his tub
was filled with 311 CDs, so...
Old Brad couldn't afford
a CD tower.
I know. It's so sad.
You know what's not sad?
What?
The taste of this eak...
In my damn mouth.
Mmm. Boo-yah!
Boo-ya-ka-sha! Mmm!
Oh, no, you di'in't.
It is so good.
- Ha!
- Mnh. No.
- Ay!
- No. Still mine.
- Ow.
- Mmm.
Aah!
Wow.
Not bad, right?
My crib looks seriously off
the hee-zee, right?
Yes, Jeff. Your apartment
looks seriously nice.
Thank you.
You look seriously nice.
Aw.
- Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What?
I have a super sexy idea.
Why don't we go
into the bathroom,
take off your shirt...
- Listening.
- And shave your face
- and burn your hat.
- Wh--
Okay, what--
What's going on, Penny?
You want-- You want me
to change my apartment,
my clothes,
my cool s-patch.
That's, like, a lot of change.
Jeff, you're a great guy...
- True dat.
- But you dress and talk
- like a 20-year-old.
- Oh, my God.
Okay, now you're sounding a lot
like my ex-girlfriend Emily.
We almost got married,
but we didn't
because I wouldn't change
for her.
You know, I'm not--
I'm not gonna change for you.
I ain't sellin' out.
Well, why?
Don't you love your new shirt
and your new bed
and your new furniture?
Yeah. Yeah, I do, but--
Look, okay?
Jeff, this could be you.
Welcome to 2012.
Welcome to sex town,
population Jeffrey Niebert.
- What?
- That was weird.
Well, I guess I do look
pretty fresh, right?
Maybe you got a point, dawg.
Ohh. Also, maybe don't say
"dawg" or "stoked"
or "crushed" or "mang"
or add "izzle" or "iznit"
to anything,
but that's it, and that is all.
Oh, and don't wear
those shower shoes.
Now that's it. Yay!
Let's make out
after your shave your face
and burn that hat. Yay!
Hello.
Aah!
How were your "errands," David?
If that's even your real name.
Just... normal errands.
How about you guys?
Did you guys have a good day?
Did you get stuff done today?
Why don't you take
your coat off?
If that's even a real coat.
- It's kinda chilly in here, guys.
- No, it's not.
I think
you're wearing a v-neck.
Man, I haven't v'ed
in three days.
David.
Coat... off.
Fine.
Oh. I'm sorry.
You should be.
You should both be very sorry.
Hey! Sidestep back out here
for a second, young man.
Turn around!
Busted! I knew it!
You know what? You guys
don't know what it's like.
Just leave me alone!
We're more disappointed
than mad, David!
He's hit rock bottom.
We need to do for Dave
what Sharon's family did
for her on "Bulk Eaters"--
Help.
Yeah, except I think
Sharon died in the end.
- Yeah. She definitely died.
- Okay.
I even
convinced Jeff to stop saying "dawg."
Jane was right.
You can change a man.
I'm gonna start a blog
or a Twitter...
And then it'll
become a TV series
starring Alyssa Milano.
Boy, I wish
my last name was a cookie.
Oh, shh. Shh.
Here he comes.
♪
♪ no, no ♪
♪ I don't want no scrub ♪
♪ a scrub is a guy that can't
get no love from me ♪
Damn, dawg! He looks sick.
♪ Trying to holla at me,
I don't want no scrub ♪
- Hi. Hey.
- Hi.
Mwah. How ya doin'?
Guess what?
What?
I'm engaged.
What?!
Congratulations.
Thank you.
♪ A scrub is a guy that... ♪
Um...
Seriously, Alex, how many times
did you play this song?
A baker's dozen, so 13.
♪ And just sits
on his broke ass ♪
Hey, Jane.
And you would be
doing... what?
Nothing weird.
Just blowing the smell
of new Brad's favorite candle
downstairs
so old Brad will finally admit
he's better the way I made him.
Mm. You guys seem great.
Well...
Turns out,
you were right, Jane.
I did end up changing Jeff
into a perfect guy.
I told you. Did he thank you?
They never thank you.
He did. You know who else
thanked me? His ex-girlfriend.
Well, that's nice.
It's a really sweet story.
Jeff ran into Emily
at this flea market,
where he was buying
this handsome wall sconce
that I suggested,
and it turns out,
em loves the new Jeff...
So much so
that they just got
right on engaged
at the flea market.
Ohh!
I am done changing guys.
God, that-- that sucks.
I'm sorry. I mean, what--
What is it with guys?
How does Brad not admit
that I made him better?
Check out what he looked like
when we first met.
Whoa.
- Yeah. Ohh.
- Look at those nasty dreads...
And that busted
ska-punk skank he was dating.
I don't know who that is.
That's not you
with the pink hair
flashing a horse cop?
I don't...
And that's not you throwing up
behind a tent
at a Korn concert?
Mm...
It's me.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Point taken.
- Ooh!
I love this one
of you making out
with your "roommate" Margaret
in the doubletree hot tub.
Okay.
Oh, Margaret.
I liked Margaret.
Well, now Mark...
What's he up to?
Whoo! I'm so excited!
An intervention?
It's like having
a surprise party
for someone who's gonna
hate you.
Surprise!
What going on?
Please, come sit with us, Dave.
- This is a safe space.
- Who are you?
This is Phil.
He's a licensed drug counselor.
Okay? Don't be scared.
It's exactly
what it looks like--
An interveen-tion.
I thought we were going
with intervench-veen.
That really sounds
better to you?
Oh, God, you guys,
I am not addicted to v-necks.
I thought you said
this was a serious issue.
You can't be addicted
to v-necks.
Yeah, you can. I'm addicted
to how good you look
- in that argyle.
- This is not the place for that.
Oh, that's how you guys
know each other.
And why is Scotty here?
You couldn't get any
of my real friends
for my fake intervention?
Admit that you have
a problem, Doug!
Doug? It's Dave.
Listen, this is really stupid,
but I got an hour to kill
before I have to be
at a real intervention, so...
Sit with us, Dave.
- Sit down.
- I got it, Scotty.
Let me ask you a question.
Why do you wear
so many v-necks?
Piercing question, Phil.
Who cares?
They're just shirts.
I like the way they look.
They make me feel safe.
Safe? Keep going with that.
Keep going with that.
- Talk more about the shirt thing.
- Fine.
Well, I...
I was 11 years old.
I was being bullied
by this fat kid,
appropriately named
"Fat Harold."
- Mm-hmm. - He would do this thing
where he'd come up behind me
and yank me to the ground
by the back of my shirt.
It was miserable,
till I started wearing v-necks.
Then I had enough room
to wriggle out and get away.
V-necks always made me
feel comfortable, safe.
Wow, Dave,
what an inappropriate forum
for such a long
and boring story.
I mean, sorry.
Yeah, we're sorry
about all this.
I mean, we were just bored.
Come here. I don't care what
kind of t-shirts you wear, okay?
I-I think you look great
in v-necks.
Guys...
I think I might be
addicted to Vicodin.
Hmm?
Brad, I was wrong.
I'm--I'm sorry. What...
Is happening?
Is that old Jane?
Let's go
with "Previous Jane."
Forgot how hard you rocked those
Gwen Stefani chola eyebrows.
No doubt!
No.
Brad, I'm sorry if I hurt
your feelings.
But the truth is,
I did change you.
But...
You changed me, too.
Old Brad and, uh...
Previous Jane
fell in love and...
We changed together.
We grew...
Like this.
Aw, babe.
You know, you lookin' so good
is kinda making me wanna
get us out of these clothes...
If you know what I mean.
I know what you mean.
Oh, yeah. It's just
the way I like it.
Oh, God.
It's so good.
- Oh!
- Ahh.
Mmm. Yumbers.
So...
What is a fit bird like you
doing in a pub like this?
Just ordering something British
like a Shandy or Ace One.
No, I am not British.
I was just doing that
to impress you,
but I am done changing
for guys,
and I am done changing them,
too. Sorry.
It's all right.
I'm actually not British
either.
Yeah. I just-- I heard
girls were into accents,
and you were really cute.
Also, I was a preemie.
I was a preemie, too!
No, I wasn't.
I was five weeks late. I do not
know what's wrong with me.
Brilliantly played.
Well done.
Thank you.
- Hey, guys.
- Wow.
Hey! Dave, is there something
different about you?
You part your hair
on the other side, you animal.
No.
He's wearing a turtleneck.
Clutch the pearls.
Yeah, it's been four days.
I'm feeling great.
It feels like a new chapter.
- So proud of you, Dave.
- Oh, thank you.
- This is big.
- Oh, thank you.
- We're all really proud.
- Really big.
- Oh, thanks.
- Big stuff.
- Couldn't have done it
without you guys. - We're proud.