Family Ties (1982–1989): Season 3, Episode 11 - Don't Kiss Me, I'm Only the Messenger - full transcript

While mother flies to a convention in Michigan, dad is in charge, even of the mouse-hunt, which scares Mallory and Alex while Jennifer is willing to help but understandably doubts success. Skippy drops by and is completely ignored as always by Mallory, whom the equally stupid, but sweet scorned kid has been following like a puppy for years, but considers his life suddenly found meaning when Jane, Mallory's latest friend, walks in. Seeing it's literal when Skippy asks him to talk to her as he can't find words with girls, Alex accepts to help him...

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love
each other through ♪

♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la

Mom, I still don't think

that a woman in your condition

should be traveling alone.

Alex, you know,
if you had it your way,

Mom would be locked
in her room for nine months

wearing a veil.

Oh, come on.
That is not true.

I see no need for a veil.

Mom, what if you
have the baby on the plane?

Well, then we name her
Amelia Earhart Keaton.

Don't worry, honey,
I'm not gonna

have the baby on the plane.

Elyse, are you sure

you don't want me
to come with you?

Oh, no, honey.
The kids need you here.

Anyway, what would you do
at a convention

with 200 women architects?

Arm wrestle for money?

Hi, there, folks.

Oh, my God.
It's time.

You're going
to the hospital, right?

You're gonna have...

I... I had a feeling
it was gonna be today.

No, no, Skippy. I...

I'm not having the baby today.

I'm going to Michigan.

Oh, I see.

You want the baby
to have dual citizenship.

No, Skippy, I'm...
Never mind, Elyse.

try and explain it to him.

Elyse, come on.
You're gonna miss your plane.

Oh! Oh, yes, yes.
Goodbye, sweetheart.

Come on, walk me to the car.
Be good.

Don't forget this.
Oh, thank you, love.


So, uh...

I'm free for the afternoon.

Why are you telling me?

Because I thought we might
do something together.

Oh, Skippy, I've got
a friend coming over.

We're gonna try on new makeup
and set each other's hair.

What's his name?



Funny name for a guy.

Hey, Mal?

Found this girl
wandering around outside.

She claims she's
a friend of yours.

I have a name.

Oh, congratulations.

It's Jane.

Oh, and you know it too.

You're brighter
than most of Mal's friends.

Hi, Mallory.

Hi, Jane.

That's my brother.
I apologize.

Uh, what's this?

Oh, that's Skippy.

Just think of him
as a lamp.

Oh, Skip?

What's wrong with him?

I don't know.

Yo, Skippy.


What happened
to you, Skip?

What happened?

my life has meaning.


I- I know why I was
put here on planet Earth.

Suddenly I feel alive!

Is he about to sing?

I just met the girl
of my dreams, right...

Right here in this very room.

Look, Skippy, we all know
how you feel about Mallory.

No. No, I'm not
talking about Mallory.

I'm talking about the other one.

The one with the funny name.


I better write it down.



J- A-N-E.

Isn't this
a little sudden, Skip?

I mean,
you just met this girl.

Alex, it was
love at first sight.

I will not rest until I have
made that girl mine.

How are you planning to do that?

Well, I was kinda hoping
you'd talk to her for me.

No way, Skip.

Just keep me out of this,
all right? Alex, please?

You've gotta help me.

You know I can't
talk to girls.

I- I...

I get too nervous.

I... I get
all tongue-tied.

I try to speak, but I...

I... I just freeze up.

I... I don't know
what to say.

Well, uh, tell her
about yourself, you know?

Discuss your good qualities.


What are they?

Well, uh, you...

have never been convicted
of a federal offense.


You, uh...

You buy your clothes
right off the rack.

And you don't spit
when you talk.

I better
write these down.

I'll get a notebook.

Skippy, you don't need
a notebook.

You're not gonna have
any trouble talking to her.

She's just a girl, right?

You're gonna be okay.

We're gonna get
something to eat.

You guys want anything?

Uh, no. No, not...
Not... Not right now.



Well, I haven't heard
anyone comment

on my soybeans
Rockefeller yet.

It's not that bad.

No, I saw a mouse!
There he goes!

Over there by Alex!


There he goes!

He went
into the pantry!

Alex, help Dad!

I'm checking
the light fixture.

Alex, mice can't fly.

Ohhh. Oh, yeah, you ever
hear of Mighty Mouse, Jen?

Was he wearing a cape, Dad?

There it goes,
into the dining room!

No problem!

I'll help you, Dad.

Hi, Alex.

Hi, Skippy.

Hi, Skippy.
Oh, hi.

Uh, Alex, did you get
a chance to talk to her yet?

Skippy, didn't you hear me?

I just said hi to you.

Yeah, yeah,
I heard you.

Hi. Uh, Alex, did you get a
chance to talk to Jane yet?

Uh, no.
No, not yet.

Why do you want Alex
to talk to Jane?

Actually, Skippy's got
a bit of a crush on her.

Oh, really?


he's crazy about her.

Oh, really?

This is kinda sudden, Skippy.

I mean, you never even
talked to the girl.

You don't know
anything about her.

Anyway, I thought we had
some sort of understanding.

You worship me,
and I reject you.

Mallory, those were
wonderful years.

But... it's over.

Try to be strong.

By the way,
does Jane talk about me much?

She doesn't even
know you exist.

That's good.

Because once
they know I exist,

that's when
I run into trouble.

If she means
that much to you,

I'll talk to her.

I don't know how
that mouse got away.

I was sure
I had him cornered.

Face it, Dad:

he was toying with you.

I'll get him, Jennifer.

He's in this house somewhere.

And I'll find him.

I'm not so sure, Dad.

This is one smart mouse.

Not smarter
than you and I put together.

Come on, write this down.

All right, we're gonna
need some, uh...

Some plywood.
A couple of hinges.

Some nails.

Uhhh... Chicken wire.

A bell.

A quart of varnish.

And some cheese.

You know, Mr. Keaton,

my dad, uh,
once built a mousetrap.

But it never worked.

Maybe he didn't use
the right kind of bait.

No. No, no.
The bait was fine.

I know because I used to eat it

before the mouse
could get to it.

Come on, Jen, let's work on
these plans upstairs.

Oh, uh, can I come?

I... I might be of some use.

Sure, Skip.

Yeah, coming.

Hi, uh, Jane.

What a...
What a pleasant surprise.

Sorry to bother you, Alex.

I'm just here
to study with Mallory.

Oh, well, no...

No bother.

No bother at all, Jane.

Uh, come on in.
Sit down. Sit down.

So, uh, what are
you studying there?

Medieval English poetry.

Oh, really? Uh...

Do you know who is
a real expert

on medieval
English poetry?



Uh, yeah.
Skippy, uh, Handleman.

Remember the, uh...

The... The tall,
good-looking fella

who was here yesterday?

You mean the lamp?

Uh, Jane, can I...?

Can I ask you
a personal question?

Go ahead.

Are you seeing anybody
right now?

I mean, do you have a boyfriend?

No one special.

Oh, so in other words,
you are not dating anyone

on a regular basis?

That's great news.

That is great news.
I'm very glad to hear that.

Oh, yeah.

I can't think of anything

that would make me happier.

I can't think of anything
that would make me happier

than hearing you say that, Alex.

What do you mean, Jane?

Alex, I've had a desperate,
passionate yearning for you

ever since I was a little kid.


Oh, that's what you mean.

I didn't know you then, Jane.

But I knew you.

I used to watch you
across the playground

when you were playing
with the big kids.

And in high school
when you ran

for student council

I voted for you...

300 times.

I'm sorry you didn't win.

Well, you did all you could.

Alex, I've waited
for this all my life.

That was
a terrific kiss, Alex.

Thank you.

You know who's also
a terrific kisser?


How do you know?

We went to kissing school

You sure you wanna
talk about Skippy?


Alex, you've been
telling Jane about me

for three days.

When am I gonna get
to go out with her?

Well, I'm...
I'm not through

telling her
about you yet, Skip.

How much is there to tell?

Your life is not
easy to explain.

You're a...

You're a very, very
complicated guy.

Now, why don't you just
go home and be patient, and...

And I'll let you know
how it's going.

All right, I'm gonna
go home and practice

for when I get
to talk to her.

Good idea. Good idea.

Hello, Jane.
I'm Skippy.

Skippy sounds so babyish.

Hello, Jane.
I'm Ricardo Montalban.

That's it.

Hey, Alex.
Dad, are you sure

this mousetrap
won't hurt the mouse?

I'm positive.

It'll just, uh,
trap him in the box.

Then we'll just set him loose
in a field somewhere.

Poor mouse.

We'll be taking him
far from his home.

To a place where he doesn't
have any friends.

Maybe doesn't even
speak the language.

He'll be lost,

homesick, lonely.

What kind of life is that?
Oh, but...

But on the other hand,
it'll open up new,

exciting opportunities
for him.

E- Expand his horizons.

Give him the kind of life
he's always dreamed of having.

He's a mouse, Dad,
not an exchange student.

I'll go put another
coat of varnish on this.

All right.

Ahem. Hello.

Uh, hi, Jane.

Uh, just thinking
about me, huh?

What a coincidence.

I was just
thinking about me too.

Uh... no.

No, no, no, no.

Not... Not...
Not on the phone, Jane.

No. No, come on, please.
Just not on the ph...

All right.

All... All right.
Okay, uh...

B- Bye-bye.

Who was that?

Skippy's girlfriend.

How are they getting along?

Dad, this has gotten
completely out of hand.

You see, Skippy saw Jane,

and he fell instantly
in love with her.

And he tried to talk to her,

but all he could get out was


So he asked me to try
and talk to her, which I did.

Only to find out that
she's been in love with me

since the first grade.

So Skippy thinks
I've been telling her

about him for three days,

but every time
I- I bring up his name,

she cuts me off with a kiss.


How much of this
does Skippy know?

Uh, everything
up to the mlaaaah.

I see.

What am I gonna do, Dad?

Well, let's face it, Alex.

If you wanted to,

you could've put
a stop to this.

Yeah, but...

I'm attracted
to her, Dad.

And she's attracted to me.

We're beginning to develop
a very significant,

very meaningful lust...

for each other.

Well, look.

Alex, obviously this girl

is a lot more important
to Skippy

than she is to you.

I think you know
what you should do.

Yeah, you're right, Dad.

I should've put a stop to this

a long time ago.

And I'm going to right now.

Or at the very least next week.

All right, I'll call her.

Hi, Jane.

Yeah. Yeah, it's me again.

Uh, listen, I was wondering,

how would you like
to have dinner at Guido's?

Oh, that much, huh?

All right. Uh, okay.
Yeah, oh, it'll...

It'll be great.

Uh, candlelight and...

quiet music.

And Skippy.

I'm very nervous.
I'm more than nervous.

I'm petrified.

What if I...?
If I say the wrong thing?

What if I do
the wrong thing?

Look, Skippy, just...

trust your instincts,

You can't go wrong.
All right.

I, uh...

I brought along $10.

I thought I might
give it to Jane as a gift.

On second thought,
ignore your instincts. Okay?

I can do that.

Do that.

Hello, guys.
Oh, Jane, uh...

Won't you join us?


You'll have
to excuse Skippy.

He's just feeling
a little, uh,

peppy tonight.

Why don't we all
just sit down and...

And get to know each other
a little better.

I'm all for that.


So, Skippy, uh,

why don't you
tell Jane

a little bit
about yourself, huh?

Tell her about that time

you saved
your little sister's life.

Well, it was nothing,

It was, uh...

just a matter of
simple reflexes, that's all.

I'm gonna go
wash my hands, okay?

Uh, you two get
to know each other

a little better
while I'm gone.

Please don't leave me.

Uh, Skippy.

We're very close.

I'll be right back, okay?

So how long have you
known Alex?

I can't remember.
Do you live next door

or across the street
from Alex?

Are you all right?

You're not having
some kind of attack, are you?



I'm really glad we had
this opportunity to talk.

Great. Hi.

I hope I gave you two
enough time alone together.

I think so.

Excuse me.


I'm gonna go
wash my hair.

you mean your hands.

Right. I mean, I'm gonna
wash the hair on my hands.

He's quite a guy,
isn't he?

I'll say.

I missed you
while you were gone, Alex.


I... I was only gone
for two minutes, Jane.

I don't know what
it is about you, Alex.

but you bring out
the animal in me.

Hope I'm not being
too forward.

I understand.

Hi, we're here to pick up
a pizza for Keaton, please.

Mallory, look.

Jennifer and Mallory.

What are you...?
What are you guys doing here?

Um, we're...

Come on over and say hello
to Alex and Jane.

Uh, no, Skippy,
don't go over there.

Why not?


I'm sorry, Mallory,
but I'm spoken for.

Better be getting
back to my date.

Uh, Skippy, don't.


I... I can explain this.
No, Alex.

Don't bother explaining.

I... I think I can see
what's going on here.

And so I-I...
I turn around,

and there's Alex kissing Jane.

He was kissing her.


Look at me when
I'm talking to you.

Now... Now, pay attention.

Move over here to the glass.


Hi, uh, can I come in?

This is Alex.

Hide your women.

Come on, Skippy.

I owe you an apology.

Alex, you ruined
the whole evening.

The date was going
so well up until then.

I mean, she was really
starting to warm up to me.

Look, you gotta understand,

she has been in love with me
since the first grade.

She idolizes me.

Wh... When I ran
for student council president,

she voted for me 300 times.

So did I.

Sorry you didn't win.

Skippy, we just...
We gotta talk this thing out.

No. No, Alex.
I- I don't wanna talk.

Skippy, we've been
friends for too long

for you to just...

bounce out of my life.

You stabbed me
in the back, Alex.

I know I did, Skippy,
and I'm sorry.

I was wrong, I...

Look, this is ridiculous,

Will you stop doing that?

I can't stop, Alex.

Skippy, listen to me.

I'm sorry
about everything.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

But you did, Alex.

I've always trusted you.

I know you have,
Skip, and...

I'm, uh...
I'm gonna stand up.

Alex, why did you do it?

You could you out
with any girl you want.

Why couldn't you just say no?

Come on, Skippy,
it is not that simple.

It's like there's
two Alexes, you know?

There's, uh...
There's a good Alex.

And there's a bad Alex.

The good Alex said,
"Leave her alone.

She's Skippy's girl. "

What did the bad Alex say?

"Shut up, good Alex.
Take her, she's yours. "

Shut up, bad Alex.

Don't worry, Skippy,
I'm, uh...

I'm not listening
to him anymore.

Look, you're my friend.
You know?

And that's
the important thing.

I just wanna be worthy
of your friendship.

All right.

You know, it's...
It's partially my fault, Alex.

Maybe next time
you'll speak for yourself.

You know, you really gotta

give yourself
more credit, Skippy.

You know,
you are a wonderful guy.

If I'm such a...

A... A wonderful guy,

why aren't there
any girls that like me?

You have to be patient, Skip.

I mean, somewhere out there

is a girl who is gonna love you.

A very special girl.

Maybe that's her now.

Hi, Skip, I just wanted
to see if you were all right.

Yeah. Yeah, I, uh...

I guess I am.

You know, Mallory,
there are two Skippys.

A good Skippy
and a bad Skippy.

Would you like to go out

with either of us
on Friday night?



Great to be back,