Dream On (1990–1996): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Thirty-Seven Year Itch - full transcript
Martin discovers an adult magazine & a doobie in Jeremy's room.
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- Rebecca wanted him.
She wanted him more than
any man she had ever known.
She wanted to feel
his hot breath on her
neck and his eager
hands caressing her body.
- It's not a kid that you'd get in here.
- Uh-huh.
- She wanted him to take
her, cruelly, body and soul.
- She did this.
- And he knew she wanted him.
All he had to do was say the word.
- Would you like to go out sometime?
Maybe now?
- I don't think so.
(dramatic music)
- Oh, okay.
Well, the art is great and the copy is
solid and are you seeing somebody?
- No, oh.
- Well, the only thing we might reconsider
is the typeface, maybe
something a little bolder.
You don't date coworkers, is that it?
- No, at my last job
I went out with one
of the editors and
that wasn't a problem.
- Oh, I see.
- Well, maybe, maybe, maybe.
- Maybe she doesn't like you.
- That one.
That one I can put up,
pull it through real easy.
- Thank you, Toby.
(laughing)
- Hey, hey.
- Phil!
- Hey, how are you?
- God, look at you.
You haven't changed a bit.
- You obviously haven't seen me naked.
(laughing)
- Hey, I thought for sure I was
gonna see Uncle Lou's fin on my wall.
What happened?
- I couldn't make it.
Can you believe he's dead?
- What a shock.
Hey, remember the game he
used to play with us as kids?
Who am I?
- Who am I?
First captain of Israel.
- Whose services have been
greater than his rewards?
- Who am I?
- God, I hated him.
- Me too.
So how's it going with the--
- Oh, so, so, we finally signed the papers.
She got the house, both
cars and 50% of the business.
- What did you get?
- Satisfaction of firing my lawyer.
I really miss her.
- So you, you started dating yet, huh?
- No, no, no, no.
She's a tough act to follow.
- Phil, she was a tough act, period.
I mean, now that it's over,
I gotta tell you, Gloria was--
- Well, for heaven's sake,
be diplomatic with him.
- She was such a bitch.
- I know.
I like that no woman.
She had character.
- It's 4.59.
The highlight of my day was
finding one of Zeta's press
on nails floating in my coffee.
Color me nauseous.
I'm outta here.
- And Toby, if it's not too much to
ask, I need a copy of the Obermann file.
Please, thank you.
- And of course you
can't copy it yourself,
but with being
paralyzed from the waist
down as a result of your war wound.
What the hell are you looking at?
- Toby, this is my cousin Phil from Miami.
Phil, this is Toby.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So is he from the lazy side of the family?
- She's fabulous.
- Excuse me?
- That fire, that passion.
- Toby?
- Yeah, what's her story?
Is she married?
You think she'll go out with me?
- Toby?
- Yeah, well, come on.
What can you tell me about her?
- She's a wonderful battleship of a woman.
- Well, as far as I
know, she's not married
and she lives
somewhere in the village
and she's got a dog and a couple of cats.
- What, is she a tent?
- No, she's worked for me for eight years.
- And all you know is she has a few pets.
- Well, yeah.
- Fine, my secretary and I
know all about each other.
- Well, actually she
does know a lot about me.
I just don't know much about her.
- Well, could you find out?
- I'd rather be executed.
(dramatic music)
(crowd chattering)
- So I'm really glad you and
I could get together like this.
- Yeah, it's lovely.
Am I getting fired?
- No.
Actually, I asked you out
because I was sitting in my office
and it occurred to me that I
don't know very much about you.
- So?
- So, I'd like to know more.
- Like what?
- Um.
- After you put lipstick on,
do you always blot your lips?
- Are you seeing anybody?
- Oh my God.
Are you asking me out?
- No.
- Good, 'cause you're not
exactly what my mother's been
lighting a candle for all these years.
- Look, my cousin Phil thinks you're great
and he wants to know if he
could ask you out on a date.
So, what do you say?
- Oh, marvelous.
Just blend it.
- Listen, Cupid, you
can tell your cousin
the next time he has
a question for me,
he can ask me himself.
(dramatic music)
- Toby?
Toby?
Do you wanna go out with me tonight?
- No.
- No?
- No.
- You sure?
- I've got two tickets to the Met.
- Opera?
- Strike one.
- Okay, how about two tickets to the Mets?
- Yankee fans.
- Strike two.
- You know, when you do that,
you look just like a little kitten
licking its paw or something.
- I look like a kitten?
- To me, yeah, you do.
- What baseline?
- You gonna go?
- No, I'm just curious, what baseline?
- Third, they're playing the
Dodgers and it's bat night.
- Bat night, huh?
- Bass Eddie has
made it to - Oh yeah!
(chuckles)
- Thanks for all the bats.
- I don't mention it, this is me.
- Oh.
- You know, I had a
really nice time tonight.
- Yeah, it was better than losing an eye.
- You think maybe I can see you tomorrow?
- You could call me, you could find out.
I gotta go.
- So Phil tells me you're
getting together again.
- Sounds like it's going
pretty well with you guys.
You gonna bring him
to the office party, huh?
- Get a life.
- Okay, I'm gonna finish these reports.
Hold my calls.
I don't want any interruptions.
- Hi, Toby, here are those
proofs that you needed.
- Monica, again, we meet,
I'm telling you, it's fate.
Toby, could you go
in my office and take
care of those things I
was telling you about?
- What's with your head?
- Thank you.
- All right, all right.
- Monica.
(door opens)
Maybe it would help if you
thought of me as someone else.
You know, I mean, someone you like.
Someone you'd go out with,
because I could be that person.
You don't know, you've
never been out with me.
But, uh.
- I have a meeting.
I guess I made quite a hit with it.
- Think about it.
Who do you like?
- Whoa, nice technique.
(upbeat music)
- Oh, sure.
I like to play with pipes
and faucets when I was a kid.
I never imagined that one day,
I would own my own plumbing
and heating supply business.
Do you have a dream?
- No.
- Oh, come on.
- I said no.
- Yes, you do.
Come on.
- Tell anybody and I'll break your lips.
I always dreamed of becoming a tap dancer.
- A tap dancer?
- Right, left, right, right.
Left, right, left, left.
The shim sham, great.
Now let's try that other step I taught you.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.
Hey, you're dancing.
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- That was great.
God, I have fun with you.
Let's not call it a night yet.
Come on, what do you say?
Do you wanna get some coffee?
Maybe dance around the block one more time?
- It's getting kinda late.
- What?
Hey, you're right.
Big hands on 12 and
the little hands on love.
- I think your watch is a little fast.
- I'm sorry, Toby.
I'm just so crazy about you.
(upbeat music)
(camera clicks)
- Do you think maybe I could come up?
- Wait a minute.
Come in the light.
Is that a Paisley tie?
- Yeah, I guess.
- I hate Paisley.
What is a Paisley anyway?
It's not a check, it's not a stripe.
I mean, it's just a thing.
It's not like you just have one of them.
Your tie is crawling with them.
- I'll take it off.
- Forget it.
We'll throw.
It's not gonna work.
(camera clicks)
Here.
- Thank you, but I needed
this on three-hole paper.
- How the hell was I supposed to know that?
- Because we always do this on three-hole.
- Oh, and I guess 'cause we
always do them on three-hole,
I'm supposed to be
the amazing crester and
I know that this one
is done on three-hole.
- Well, I would--
- Fine.
You want three-holes?
I'll give you three-holes.
There's three-holes, but
hey, why stop at three?
Why not five?
Why not seven?
(laughs)
Why not make it into another gummy duck?
- Never seen her ex so strange.
Wonder what's come over.
- Thank you, Toby.
That'll be fine.
- Hmm, no, she's completely out of control.
You know, I mean, she's like Aunt Rita.
- Help, help, there's a man in the wall.
Help me get him out.
- Yeah, well, it's over between us.
- I'm really sorry, Phil.
I mean, what happened?
- I don't know.
I don't know.
She's sensitive.
She's like a delicate little bird.
(bird squawking)
- Are we talking about the same Toby?
She's short and hostile.
Threw a coffee mug at me this morning.
- You don't know her, Martin.
I blew it.
I blew it.
I'm going home tomorrow and
I'm never gonna see her again.
- No, no, no, no, thank you.
We're having an office party
tonight, so why don't you come?
You know, I mean, maybe
you can talk to her there.
(kissing)
- Your love life will
take a surprising turn.
What does yours say?
- Your love life will
take a surprising turn.
(upbeat music).
- Oh my God, she's beautiful.
- She really is.
- I can't.
She's just gonna break my heart again.
- No, no, no, no, no, she won't.
Come on, Phil.
I bet she'll be thrilled to see us.
Just go.
(indistinct chatter)
- Joyce?
Joyce, did you see them?
- Hi.
- What the hell are you doing here?
- I just came by to show off my new tie.
You wanna dance?
I'm pretty good.
I learned from the best.
- All right.
- Scotch and water, please.
- Hold the rejection.
(sighs)
When Gloria kicked
down that door and
walked out of my
life, I thought, that's it.
I'll eat, I'll sleep, I'll sell a few
sinks, but I'll never be happy again.
And then you came into my life.
- Kicked down the door, huh?
- Toby?
Come back to Florida with me.
- Florida?
Are you kidding?
What am I, a flamingo?
Phil, you'd know me one week.
- Martin, I promise after today,
I won't reject you anymore.
- Really?
- Yeah, today's my last day.
I'm moving to London.
Skycough and Cudwell are
making me head of production.
- Oh.
Congratulations.
- Don't get misty on me.
- Look, you know, you'll come visit again.
I'm a bowlin', you'll be okay.
- Maybe every once
in a while you can
call me and shoot me
down long distance.
(laughs)
- What?
Whenever you look at your feet,
I know there's something else.
- Well, it's my last night in town and.
I wondered if you'd go
back to the hotel with me.
I wanna make love to you, Toby Pedleby.
- You do?
- Yeah.
I wanna kiss your neck and smell your hair.
- Hmm.
- I wanna feel you in my
arms and hold you tight.
- Okay.
- I wanna suck on your toes.
- Oh boy.
- What are you saying?
- I, I, I hate this song!
- Toby?
- Oh, Martin.
Martin, Martin, I am
so drunk and I am
so horny and you
are so attracted to me.
I don't want a relationship.
I don't even wanna date.
But if you're up
for it, I could be
naked and in your
office in five minutes.
- Oh, he'd never do that now.
We've made great progress in control.
- I could work with that.
- Martin, Martin, you gotta help me.
I don't know what happened.
I said the wrong
thing, I did the wrong
thing, but now she
won't even speak to me.
Maybe you could talk to her.
- Phil, I'm sorry, but it's
really not in my business.
Wait, how long have we been talking?
- I just can't believe I made her cry.
- Who?
- Toby!
- Toby cried?
- What do you think, Jim?
- Could be.
Seems hard to believe though.
- Oh my God.
Where, where is she?
- What the hell are you doing here?
- I wanna talk to you.
- What, you couldn't use your own bathroom?
I'm sure you can find someone
nice to chat with by the urinals.
- I just, hey.
You guys get a couch.
- Our secret is out.
What do you want?
- I want it to, you look fine, really.
What's going on between you and Phil?
- What is going on between me
and Phil is between me and Phil.
- Toby, is there something about Phil?
I mean, is he a lousy kisser
or are his hands clammy what?
Do you hate his toupee?
- Phil, where's the toupee?
- You never heard me say that.
Martin, we have known
each other for eight years
and in all that time, there is one
thing I have never said to you, please.
Please leave me alone!
- I don't want to.
- Why?
- Because I care about you.
- Martin, I'm your secretary.
You care that your coffee's hot.
You care that your reports have
the right number of holes in them.
- Jesus, Toby, is that all
you think you are to me?
- No, I'm also the person who ignores
your memos and steals your paperclips.
- And you're also the person
who, for the last eight years,
has been a constant in my life.
A constant pain in the ass,
yeah, but you've always been
there for me, when I
almost got fired that
time and when Jeremy
was in the hospital.
- How about when your wife dumped you?
- Then, then too.
Just once, Toby.
Let me be there for you.
(soft piano music)
You know what it was like to
make love for the very first time?
- Yeah?
- I don't.
- What do you... Toby?
You mean you're...?
- Say that word and it'll be your last!
Look, it's not like I never did anything.
It's just that I didn't do everything.
I waited too long.
I wanted to...
I don't know what.
Meet Mr. Right?
After a couple of years, you're
lucky if you can find Mr. Not-So-Hot.
Before you know it,
you're stuck with Mr. Will.
He doesn't have hair in his ears.
- But Phil's such a great guy.
- You're right, he is.
But after a while, it's not
about the guy so much.
It's about that you never
did it in the first place.
- And I tell you, you wouldn't understand.
They'd love what?
How many times?
- 28 and a half if you count
the one over the shower door.
- Enough.
- You probably wouldn't
even remember your first time.
- Oh yeah?
- In Sandusky, Ohio, April 19th, 1953.
- Candice McNally was
in her family's rec room.
We had her old Yogi Bear sleeping
bag spread out on the linoleum.
Her little brother was upstairs somewhere,
playing "It's a Small World"
over and over and over again.
She had this tiny little cat
that kept attacking my feet.
She was so pretty.
I was so scared.
Wasn't the best sex I ever had, but
it was probably the most wonderful.
- My first time was in a
'57 Pontiac, Benny Levine.
- Who said that?
- It was one of those
starry nights, you know?
Oh God, it was beautiful.
We were on a hell of
a look in the entire city.
- Well then, his foot
got caught in a clutch.
We rolled down the hill.
I got these three stitches across my nose.
You know, I never heard from him again.
- Thank you for sharing that.
- Oh no, thank you.
- Toby, listen.
If you don't wanna do
this, you don't have to do it.
But if you do want to,
just look at it this way.
Once you've made love for the first time,
you'll never have to make
love for the first time again.
(upbeat music)
- Don't argue.
Let's go.
- Don't forget me.
- Hey!
(door opens)
- You're late.
I almost started without you.
- I'm sorry.
I was just--
- Okay, let's do this.
Standing, sitting, what?
I don't care what's good for you.
- Is that what you want?
More than anything else in
the world, is that what you want?
- You know what?
I think I'll just pass.
- Martin.
You want me.
- Is that true?
Sure it's true.
Ask my mother.
- No.
I mean, yes, but not like this.
- Well, what do you want?
- I don't know.
I don't know.
Maybe a little cat attacking my feet.
- What?
- Thanks anyway.
Could you hit the lights on your way out?
(door slams)
- Best of your first time for everything.
(phone rings)
- Oh.
Hello.
- Well, we did it.
- You can't.
- That was it?
That was the whole thing?
That's what I waited 37 years for?
- Hey, you want a little
champagne from room service?
- I gotta go.
(phone rings)
- Hello.
- Nevermind that last phone call.
I figured something out.
(screams)
(phone rings)
- So?
- What so?
What, do you want details?
You want pictures?
Look, let's not let this
caring thing go to your head.
- Well, if that's the case, I think
I need the Franzblau contracts.
And if you could, get me a cup of coffee.
- I could.
But look, so could you.
- Quite a change.
- Not in spirit, I think.
(phone rings)
- What's with the face?
What do you think,
'cause the last night
I was supposed to
be a different person?
You think that's what I really needed, huh?
- Well, let me tell you something.
- Good morning, Toby.
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- Rebecca wanted him.
She wanted him more than
any man she had ever known.
She wanted to feel
his hot breath on her
neck and his eager
hands caressing her body.
- It's not a kid that you'd get in here.
- Uh-huh.
- She wanted him to take
her, cruelly, body and soul.
- She did this.
- And he knew she wanted him.
All he had to do was say the word.
- Would you like to go out sometime?
Maybe now?
- I don't think so.
(dramatic music)
- Oh, okay.
Well, the art is great and the copy is
solid and are you seeing somebody?
- No, oh.
- Well, the only thing we might reconsider
is the typeface, maybe
something a little bolder.
You don't date coworkers, is that it?
- No, at my last job
I went out with one
of the editors and
that wasn't a problem.
- Oh, I see.
- Well, maybe, maybe, maybe.
- Maybe she doesn't like you.
- That one.
That one I can put up,
pull it through real easy.
- Thank you, Toby.
(laughing)
- Hey, hey.
- Phil!
- Hey, how are you?
- God, look at you.
You haven't changed a bit.
- You obviously haven't seen me naked.
(laughing)
- Hey, I thought for sure I was
gonna see Uncle Lou's fin on my wall.
What happened?
- I couldn't make it.
Can you believe he's dead?
- What a shock.
Hey, remember the game he
used to play with us as kids?
Who am I?
- Who am I?
First captain of Israel.
- Whose services have been
greater than his rewards?
- Who am I?
- God, I hated him.
- Me too.
So how's it going with the--
- Oh, so, so, we finally signed the papers.
She got the house, both
cars and 50% of the business.
- What did you get?
- Satisfaction of firing my lawyer.
I really miss her.
- So you, you started dating yet, huh?
- No, no, no, no.
She's a tough act to follow.
- Phil, she was a tough act, period.
I mean, now that it's over,
I gotta tell you, Gloria was--
- Well, for heaven's sake,
be diplomatic with him.
- She was such a bitch.
- I know.
I like that no woman.
She had character.
- It's 4.59.
The highlight of my day was
finding one of Zeta's press
on nails floating in my coffee.
Color me nauseous.
I'm outta here.
- And Toby, if it's not too much to
ask, I need a copy of the Obermann file.
Please, thank you.
- And of course you
can't copy it yourself,
but with being
paralyzed from the waist
down as a result of your war wound.
What the hell are you looking at?
- Toby, this is my cousin Phil from Miami.
Phil, this is Toby.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So is he from the lazy side of the family?
- She's fabulous.
- Excuse me?
- That fire, that passion.
- Toby?
- Yeah, what's her story?
Is she married?
You think she'll go out with me?
- Toby?
- Yeah, well, come on.
What can you tell me about her?
- She's a wonderful battleship of a woman.
- Well, as far as I
know, she's not married
and she lives
somewhere in the village
and she's got a dog and a couple of cats.
- What, is she a tent?
- No, she's worked for me for eight years.
- And all you know is she has a few pets.
- Well, yeah.
- Fine, my secretary and I
know all about each other.
- Well, actually she
does know a lot about me.
I just don't know much about her.
- Well, could you find out?
- I'd rather be executed.
(dramatic music)
(crowd chattering)
- So I'm really glad you and
I could get together like this.
- Yeah, it's lovely.
Am I getting fired?
- No.
Actually, I asked you out
because I was sitting in my office
and it occurred to me that I
don't know very much about you.
- So?
- So, I'd like to know more.
- Like what?
- Um.
- After you put lipstick on,
do you always blot your lips?
- Are you seeing anybody?
- Oh my God.
Are you asking me out?
- No.
- Good, 'cause you're not
exactly what my mother's been
lighting a candle for all these years.
- Look, my cousin Phil thinks you're great
and he wants to know if he
could ask you out on a date.
So, what do you say?
- Oh, marvelous.
Just blend it.
- Listen, Cupid, you
can tell your cousin
the next time he has
a question for me,
he can ask me himself.
(dramatic music)
- Toby?
Toby?
Do you wanna go out with me tonight?
- No.
- No?
- No.
- You sure?
- I've got two tickets to the Met.
- Opera?
- Strike one.
- Okay, how about two tickets to the Mets?
- Yankee fans.
- Strike two.
- You know, when you do that,
you look just like a little kitten
licking its paw or something.
- I look like a kitten?
- To me, yeah, you do.
- What baseline?
- You gonna go?
- No, I'm just curious, what baseline?
- Third, they're playing the
Dodgers and it's bat night.
- Bat night, huh?
- Bass Eddie has
made it to - Oh yeah!
(chuckles)
- Thanks for all the bats.
- I don't mention it, this is me.
- Oh.
- You know, I had a
really nice time tonight.
- Yeah, it was better than losing an eye.
- You think maybe I can see you tomorrow?
- You could call me, you could find out.
I gotta go.
- So Phil tells me you're
getting together again.
- Sounds like it's going
pretty well with you guys.
You gonna bring him
to the office party, huh?
- Get a life.
- Okay, I'm gonna finish these reports.
Hold my calls.
I don't want any interruptions.
- Hi, Toby, here are those
proofs that you needed.
- Monica, again, we meet,
I'm telling you, it's fate.
Toby, could you go
in my office and take
care of those things I
was telling you about?
- What's with your head?
- Thank you.
- All right, all right.
- Monica.
(door opens)
Maybe it would help if you
thought of me as someone else.
You know, I mean, someone you like.
Someone you'd go out with,
because I could be that person.
You don't know, you've
never been out with me.
But, uh.
- I have a meeting.
I guess I made quite a hit with it.
- Think about it.
Who do you like?
- Whoa, nice technique.
(upbeat music)
- Oh, sure.
I like to play with pipes
and faucets when I was a kid.
I never imagined that one day,
I would own my own plumbing
and heating supply business.
Do you have a dream?
- No.
- Oh, come on.
- I said no.
- Yes, you do.
Come on.
- Tell anybody and I'll break your lips.
I always dreamed of becoming a tap dancer.
- A tap dancer?
- Right, left, right, right.
Left, right, left, left.
The shim sham, great.
Now let's try that other step I taught you.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.
Hey, you're dancing.
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music).
(upbeat music).
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music).
- That was great.
God, I have fun with you.
Let's not call it a night yet.
Come on, what do you say?
Do you wanna get some coffee?
Maybe dance around the block one more time?
- It's getting kinda late.
- What?
Hey, you're right.
Big hands on 12 and
the little hands on love.
- I think your watch is a little fast.
- I'm sorry, Toby.
I'm just so crazy about you.
(upbeat music)
(camera clicks)
- Do you think maybe I could come up?
- Wait a minute.
Come in the light.
Is that a Paisley tie?
- Yeah, I guess.
- I hate Paisley.
What is a Paisley anyway?
It's not a check, it's not a stripe.
I mean, it's just a thing.
It's not like you just have one of them.
Your tie is crawling with them.
- I'll take it off.
- Forget it.
We'll throw.
It's not gonna work.
(camera clicks)
Here.
- Thank you, but I needed
this on three-hole paper.
- How the hell was I supposed to know that?
- Because we always do this on three-hole.
- Oh, and I guess 'cause we
always do them on three-hole,
I'm supposed to be
the amazing crester and
I know that this one
is done on three-hole.
- Well, I would--
- Fine.
You want three-holes?
I'll give you three-holes.
There's three-holes, but
hey, why stop at three?
Why not five?
Why not seven?
(laughs)
Why not make it into another gummy duck?
- Never seen her ex so strange.
Wonder what's come over.
- Thank you, Toby.
That'll be fine.
- Hmm, no, she's completely out of control.
You know, I mean, she's like Aunt Rita.
- Help, help, there's a man in the wall.
Help me get him out.
- Yeah, well, it's over between us.
- I'm really sorry, Phil.
I mean, what happened?
- I don't know.
I don't know.
She's sensitive.
She's like a delicate little bird.
(bird squawking)
- Are we talking about the same Toby?
She's short and hostile.
Threw a coffee mug at me this morning.
- You don't know her, Martin.
I blew it.
I blew it.
I'm going home tomorrow and
I'm never gonna see her again.
- No, no, no, no, thank you.
We're having an office party
tonight, so why don't you come?
You know, I mean, maybe
you can talk to her there.
(kissing)
- Your love life will
take a surprising turn.
What does yours say?
- Your love life will
take a surprising turn.
(upbeat music).
- Oh my God, she's beautiful.
- She really is.
- I can't.
She's just gonna break my heart again.
- No, no, no, no, no, she won't.
Come on, Phil.
I bet she'll be thrilled to see us.
Just go.
(indistinct chatter)
- Joyce?
Joyce, did you see them?
- Hi.
- What the hell are you doing here?
- I just came by to show off my new tie.
You wanna dance?
I'm pretty good.
I learned from the best.
- All right.
- Scotch and water, please.
- Hold the rejection.
(sighs)
When Gloria kicked
down that door and
walked out of my
life, I thought, that's it.
I'll eat, I'll sleep, I'll sell a few
sinks, but I'll never be happy again.
And then you came into my life.
- Kicked down the door, huh?
- Toby?
Come back to Florida with me.
- Florida?
Are you kidding?
What am I, a flamingo?
Phil, you'd know me one week.
- Martin, I promise after today,
I won't reject you anymore.
- Really?
- Yeah, today's my last day.
I'm moving to London.
Skycough and Cudwell are
making me head of production.
- Oh.
Congratulations.
- Don't get misty on me.
- Look, you know, you'll come visit again.
I'm a bowlin', you'll be okay.
- Maybe every once
in a while you can
call me and shoot me
down long distance.
(laughs)
- What?
Whenever you look at your feet,
I know there's something else.
- Well, it's my last night in town and.
I wondered if you'd go
back to the hotel with me.
I wanna make love to you, Toby Pedleby.
- You do?
- Yeah.
I wanna kiss your neck and smell your hair.
- Hmm.
- I wanna feel you in my
arms and hold you tight.
- Okay.
- I wanna suck on your toes.
- Oh boy.
- What are you saying?
- I, I, I hate this song!
- Toby?
- Oh, Martin.
Martin, Martin, I am
so drunk and I am
so horny and you
are so attracted to me.
I don't want a relationship.
I don't even wanna date.
But if you're up
for it, I could be
naked and in your
office in five minutes.
- Oh, he'd never do that now.
We've made great progress in control.
- I could work with that.
- Martin, Martin, you gotta help me.
I don't know what happened.
I said the wrong
thing, I did the wrong
thing, but now she
won't even speak to me.
Maybe you could talk to her.
- Phil, I'm sorry, but it's
really not in my business.
Wait, how long have we been talking?
- I just can't believe I made her cry.
- Who?
- Toby!
- Toby cried?
- What do you think, Jim?
- Could be.
Seems hard to believe though.
- Oh my God.
Where, where is she?
- What the hell are you doing here?
- I wanna talk to you.
- What, you couldn't use your own bathroom?
I'm sure you can find someone
nice to chat with by the urinals.
- I just, hey.
You guys get a couch.
- Our secret is out.
What do you want?
- I want it to, you look fine, really.
What's going on between you and Phil?
- What is going on between me
and Phil is between me and Phil.
- Toby, is there something about Phil?
I mean, is he a lousy kisser
or are his hands clammy what?
Do you hate his toupee?
- Phil, where's the toupee?
- You never heard me say that.
Martin, we have known
each other for eight years
and in all that time, there is one
thing I have never said to you, please.
Please leave me alone!
- I don't want to.
- Why?
- Because I care about you.
- Martin, I'm your secretary.
You care that your coffee's hot.
You care that your reports have
the right number of holes in them.
- Jesus, Toby, is that all
you think you are to me?
- No, I'm also the person who ignores
your memos and steals your paperclips.
- And you're also the person
who, for the last eight years,
has been a constant in my life.
A constant pain in the ass,
yeah, but you've always been
there for me, when I
almost got fired that
time and when Jeremy
was in the hospital.
- How about when your wife dumped you?
- Then, then too.
Just once, Toby.
Let me be there for you.
(soft piano music)
You know what it was like to
make love for the very first time?
- Yeah?
- I don't.
- What do you... Toby?
You mean you're...?
- Say that word and it'll be your last!
Look, it's not like I never did anything.
It's just that I didn't do everything.
I waited too long.
I wanted to...
I don't know what.
Meet Mr. Right?
After a couple of years, you're
lucky if you can find Mr. Not-So-Hot.
Before you know it,
you're stuck with Mr. Will.
He doesn't have hair in his ears.
- But Phil's such a great guy.
- You're right, he is.
But after a while, it's not
about the guy so much.
It's about that you never
did it in the first place.
- And I tell you, you wouldn't understand.
They'd love what?
How many times?
- 28 and a half if you count
the one over the shower door.
- Enough.
- You probably wouldn't
even remember your first time.
- Oh yeah?
- In Sandusky, Ohio, April 19th, 1953.
- Candice McNally was
in her family's rec room.
We had her old Yogi Bear sleeping
bag spread out on the linoleum.
Her little brother was upstairs somewhere,
playing "It's a Small World"
over and over and over again.
She had this tiny little cat
that kept attacking my feet.
She was so pretty.
I was so scared.
Wasn't the best sex I ever had, but
it was probably the most wonderful.
- My first time was in a
'57 Pontiac, Benny Levine.
- Who said that?
- It was one of those
starry nights, you know?
Oh God, it was beautiful.
We were on a hell of
a look in the entire city.
- Well then, his foot
got caught in a clutch.
We rolled down the hill.
I got these three stitches across my nose.
You know, I never heard from him again.
- Thank you for sharing that.
- Oh no, thank you.
- Toby, listen.
If you don't wanna do
this, you don't have to do it.
But if you do want to,
just look at it this way.
Once you've made love for the first time,
you'll never have to make
love for the first time again.
(upbeat music)
- Don't argue.
Let's go.
- Don't forget me.
- Hey!
(door opens)
- You're late.
I almost started without you.
- I'm sorry.
I was just--
- Okay, let's do this.
Standing, sitting, what?
I don't care what's good for you.
- Is that what you want?
More than anything else in
the world, is that what you want?
- You know what?
I think I'll just pass.
- Martin.
You want me.
- Is that true?
Sure it's true.
Ask my mother.
- No.
I mean, yes, but not like this.
- Well, what do you want?
- I don't know.
I don't know.
Maybe a little cat attacking my feet.
- What?
- Thanks anyway.
Could you hit the lights on your way out?
(door slams)
- Best of your first time for everything.
(phone rings)
- Oh.
Hello.
- Well, we did it.
- You can't.
- That was it?
That was the whole thing?
That's what I waited 37 years for?
- Hey, you want a little
champagne from room service?
- I gotta go.
(phone rings)
- Hello.
- Nevermind that last phone call.
I figured something out.
(screams)
(phone rings)
- So?
- What so?
What, do you want details?
You want pictures?
Look, let's not let this
caring thing go to your head.
- Well, if that's the case, I think
I need the Franzblau contracts.
And if you could, get me a cup of coffee.
- I could.
But look, so could you.
- Quite a change.
- Not in spirit, I think.
(phone rings)
- What's with the face?
What do you think,
'cause the last night
I was supposed to
be a different person?
You think that's what I really needed, huh?
- Well, let me tell you something.
- Good morning, Toby.
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[Music ends].