Dream On (1990–1996): Season 2, Episode 2 - And Your Little Dog, Too - full transcript
Whitestone is bought by Australians.
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Okay everybody, calm down please.
There's two sides to every story. Now Mara,
you heard the people from the Humane
Society. They're calling it cruelty to.
animals. What do you have to say?
Well, if you ask me, I think Coco likes it.
Sometimes when we're in the
middle of it, I can almost see
a smile on his little scaly face.
I just can't put the two of them together.
I can't understand how it could
be a match. Nobody says we
gotta understand so long as they do.
And we'll be right back with
people who really love their pets.
Do you remember when you started this show?
It wasn't gonna be like all the
others. You were gonna deal
with real issues with the arts.
Culture. We do culture.
Really? When? Tomorrow.
Porn stars read their poetry. Hey, I'll
have you know they've done some very
sensitive work. Really, I'm sure. Eddie.
You are so much better than
this. Come on man, give me a
break. It sweeps my... I gotta
get the ratings. It's my job.
[Knocking]
Yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry to bother you, Mr. Charles,
but I just wanted to tell you how much
I enjoyed the show. It was informative
and yet somehow strangely moving.
Like a lovesick buffalo.
I was wondering if I might have
your autograph. I'm to ginger with love.
You're right.
I don't know how I live with myself.
[Music]
Where you been? I took a long lunch.
What the hell's going on? Well, it's
happened. The company's
been sold to those Australian guys.
Well, I was at lunch. The new management's
already moved in. Doobens gone.
Klingers gone.
Valerie Knox was thrown out on a
surgically improved behind. All this
happened while I was at lunch?
Editors are drinking. Secretaries
are vomiting in the ladies room. It's like
an office party.
In Berlin, before the war.
What do you want me to do? Panic?
Martin. What? Did you hear?
Cindy got the axe. No. Uh-huh.
Worried is Crocodile Dundee's calling
us in one at a time to run down our
projects. If we don't
have anything good
enough, he's tossing
our shrimp onto Barbie.
Well, I've got that World War II book
about the teenage girl. I mean, that's
a great story.
What, the sensitive
one? Please. He wants
best sellers. What
are we going to do?
Commit suicide?
Lene is in here with him now.
We're dead. Martin, we're dead.
Let's not rush to any conclusions.
Come on. Cindy was good.
We're just a bunch of hacks.
[Music]
Martin, I can't become a waiter again.
I can't let go of my shirt. Get a
grip on yourself.
That's horrible. I go in there and
before I could even sit down, he just
says, "Okay, toots, what do you got?"
So I told him about the new Reuben
novel and about the bird book and about
the Lincoln biography.
And he just keeps saying, "What else?
What else? What else?"
Finally, all I got left is the children's
book. So I tell him the story, you
know, the one about the family of
bears that goes on the adventure.
The bears who go to school.
I guess I panicked because I just
started babbling on and on and I told him
the entire plot.
And then I started making things
up that aren't even in the book, like
something about an old
man who lives in a teacup.
[Laughing]
Lenea. What?
[Laughing]
Oh no, it's okay.
He fired me right on the spot.
Fuck me.
And I was wearing my lucky hat too.
[Phone ringing]
Martin Tupper's office. For now.
Maybe it won't be so bad.
Maybe they're just going to fire the girls.
Oh!
Nice.
Okay.
That was his office. You have an
appointment tomorrow. Four o'clock.
Oh Christ. I have to have a best
seller by four o'clock tomorrow?
You don't have to.
What's this?
Your resume.
I xeroxed it this morning
before the lines got too long.
Don't ever say I never
did anything for you.
[Tornado music]
Let the tournament begin.
Okay, let me. Come on.
Give me your best shot.
Marty, the book is called "Lillian's
Children Hate Her" for no good reason.
Uh-huh.
About this woman, Lillian,
whose children hate her.
For no good reason.
Exactly. So, chapter one.
Betsy moves to El Salvador.
We are doomed, aren't we?
And that's when I go into the John
Hinckley, Lee Harvey Oswald connection.
The connection.
Shh.
Fact.
Lee Harvey Oswald was killed
by a man named Jack Ruby.
Fact.
John Hinckley's third grade
teacher's name was Helena.
But everybody called her Ruby.
[Tornado music]
Don't be a writer.
I see it as a contemporary retelling
of Moby Dick. It's just called "Dick."
[Tornado music]
Tendiful.
The life you had is over. Finished forever.
Listen, I wasn't
going to bring this up,
but I've been working
on an idea for a book.
You?
Hey, I could type.
Now, I'm still working
out some of the details.
But it's about this guy, right?
And he goes to, like, this place.
Maybe there's a girl.
And, uh, this thing happens.
And he's got to make
a decision about his life.
What? What's the decision?
Well, I don't know. I told you I didn't
have everything worked out. Jesus.
Sorry.
Anyways, if you want it, it's yours.
[Tornado music]
eBay!
I'm... children!
[Gunshots]
Is there a particular poem that
you'd like to share with us today?
Well, I did bring some things.
Um, I can read for you.
That would be great.
Porno Star by Candy Mellon.
Nipples, nipples, nipples.
In a bathtub on a hilltop.
Nipples, nipples, nipples.
People watching, wanting, eating.
Nipples, penis, nipples.
Porno or no?
You tell me.
Wow.
[Applause]
It's strong stuff.
Is he bloody marvelous?
Sav, Marty.
See you.
Thank you.
You're having a
look at some of the
books you've edited
in your years here at
Whitestone? Don't seem too
concerned with quality, do you?
Well, I, uh...
No, no, I like that.
Oh. Okay.
Now, if you're gonna work for me,
Marty, and I'm not saying you aren't.
Oh, sure. Sure.
There are some things
you're gonna have to learn.
Like, for instance, the difference
between books and literature.
You know what literature
is, don't you, Marty?
Well, you've obviously
given this more
thought than I have, so
why don't you tell me?
Literature is what you
didn't read in college.
Now, a book, a book is something
you can take with you on the bus.
A book is something
you can leave on
the bus and not worry
about it too much,
'cause it's just a book.
Uh-huh.
Eat him.
You might say to
me, "Gibby, you're
playing to the lowest
common denominator."
Well, not to your face.
Well, I'd say, "Marty, you're wrong.
I'm playing lower."
Like to match his face.
I want to publish books
that everyone will read.
I want to publish the kind of books
that stupid people who can't even read
will feel compelled
to buy for their slightly
less moronic friends
to read to them.
Well, you certainly have a vision.
So, Marty, what do you got for me?
Okay.
I've got kind of a crazy, offbeat
novel about a female impersonator.
I am not some wasted wince with
a creeping tropical disease, darling.
Kinky. Any buggering, eh?
Well, it's about what happens when
he moves to a small cottage in Vermont
to take care of his dying mother.
Right. Too depressing.
What else have you got?
How about a circus story?
Eh, leerid goings on under the big top, eh?
Midgets making it with
tattooed ladies, that sort of thing.
Actually, it's a metaphor
for the human condition.
Right. Hate metaphors.
Hate the human condition.
What else have you got?
I've got a fishing manual.
Take it easy, take it easy.
Any buggering, innit?
No.
No.
What else?
Something about a cat named Pookie?
No.
What else, Marty? What else?
Where's the big money book?
Where's the book that's gonna get me hot?
She's... Let me think, you know.
I'm... I know I'm forgetting something.
I just... I see.
Well... Speak up!
Wait!
Why?
Why?
Well, because... Because
I'm saving the best for last.
Well, go ahead, Marty. I'm one giant ear.
How would you like...
Have you seen it?
Um... no.
I don't think I have.
Maybe you'd like to tell us about one.
Candy dough, candy laying.
A tell-all?
No holds barred
autobiography of any charge.
Okay.
Marty, if I were more secure in
my sexuality, I'd kiss you on the lips.
I never really understood
poetry until today.
It's like... You've given
me this wonderful gift.
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you
how much this show meant to me.
Well, I'm glad you came by again.
And remember,
any time you want to
see the show, just
ask Carolyn for tickets.
Gosh, I will. Thanks.
You... So, bud,
you still have a job?
Looks that way.
Well, all right. Let
me just get out of
this makeup and we'll
go out and celebrate.
Yeah. Yeah.
I caught some of your show today.
Oh, God. Here it comes.
No. No.
No, no, no.
I really, really liked it.
Oh, now we're beginning to
show our true colors, aren't we?
You're kidding.
No.
I thought it was... Trash.
Probing.
I thought it was... Trash.
Probing.
And I think the porno
footage informed the poetry.
I don't understand you.
Frankly, I... I was impressed.
I don't understand how
you can live with yourself.
Well, thanks, bud.
Coming from you, that means a lot.
Ah, you picked that dirty job. Now do it.
So, listen.
I have this nutty idea for a book.
But if you don't want to do it, I
understand completely and...
I'll never bring it up again.
The Eddie Charles story.
Yeah.
Nah.
Nah. What nah?
Come on, bud. There are millions
of people out there who love you.
9,000,000, three.
Right. But they just know Eddie
Charles, the incredible TV personality.
All they know is the guy with
the great looks and the charisma,
but they don't know Eddie Charles, the man.
That's true.
But... But... What?
What's the but?
Well, I figured...
I figured if I wrote
a book, it would be
with one of those
bigger publishing houses.
Okay.
You can't go that way.
But I should warn you, just as a
friend, you could get lost in the shuffle.
I mean, you know, Eddie
Charles, it's just another title.
Just another piece of shit.
Well, just another piece of meat.
On the other hand, if you do go
with those smaller boutique houses,
likewise, don't you be our big spring
book, not to mention the fact that
your best friend of over 30 years
would be overseeing the project.
Okay.
You can let go of my dick now.
I'll do the book.
We need to open with
some compelling incident,
you know, some
story that'll really...
grab 'em.
Grab 'em.
Got it.
The day I graduated from NYU.
Remember how excited my folks were?
First man in the family
to graduate from college.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Just... That was a big day.
Although, I was thinking we
could start with something like that.
That great story about you and
the three Dutch girls in the hot tub.
[laughs]
What?
You want to open my book
with a foursome in the hot tub?
Easy, easy.
It's just a thought. I mean, come
on, we're just spitballing ideas here.
All right. All right, all right.
How about the night I won the Emmy?
Or... How about
the party afterwards,
where you got drunk
and sang "Duncan Shane"
on the buffet?
Or...
The time I interviewed the Queen Mother?
Or how about the time with the
Dairy Queen girl in the chocolate dip?
Martin, my mother is gonna read this book.
Jesus! Is this how you see me?
What?
Well, hello.
Now, get up.
Just wanted to meet the man himself.
Gimme fisk, Eddie Charles and Charles.
Gimme fisk.
Pleasure to meet you, Eddie.
Can't tell you how excited
I am about this book.
Great.
Especially love that hot
tub story with the Dutch girls.
The hot tub story.
Hey, if they don't have him coming
in their hats, I don't know what will.
Well, I'll get you back too, then.
Sorry for the interrupt.
Good night.
Is he one colorful character?
Huh?
You know, I could have
expected this from anyone but you.
Hey, where are you going?
I got a show to do.
You're not gonna let him get away, are you?
Eddie, think about it.
That's the book that'll
sell a million copies.
And it's the book you promised your boss.
Is that so terrible?
Hey, you want to keep it down?
Some people are trying to work here.
You are such a hypocrite.
After all the shit you
give me about my show.
That's different.
Oh, that's television.
This is... Literature.
Literature?
I thought we weren't
doing literature anymore.
Don't you ever take a sick day.
Excuse me, it was in the memo.
Eddie, Eddie, come on.
Uh, good idea.
There is no comparison between
what you do and what you do.
All right, if you want
me to say it, I'll say it.
I'm just as shallow and
cheap and as smart as you are.
Oh, that makes me feel much better.
Eddie, help me out here.
You've got to do this book.
Easy. You're groveling on my shirt.
My job is on the line.
Forget it.
What kind of a friend are you, anyway?
What kind of friend am I?
You're the one who's using me, pal.
Using you? I'm using you.
Yes.
And this from the man who stole
my eighth grade English notes.
Oh, I knew you would throw
that in my face someday.
Boy, you think you know somebody.
Let me tell you something.
I used to think you were
the best friend I ever had.
I am the best friend you ever had.
Who lent you money when
you smashed your dad's car?
And you're also the
one who got me stoned
so that I smashed it
up in the first place.
What a wonderful memory you have.
And remember when you went
through that picture window?
Huh?
Who held your hand until the doctor came?
Yeah, and for the rest of junior
high, everyone thought we were gay.
Can't you ever forget nothing?
No, nothing.
No.
All right. All right.
You want to know what kind of friend I am?
Yeah, I want to know. Tell me.
You really want to know?
Just tell me.
When you were 11 years old and
you went to camp, your dog Tippi died.
What?
You lied. You lied.
Tippi didn't die.
Yes, he did.
He was hit by a car on Pinehurst Road.
And I made your mother drive all over
Westchester until we found a dog that
looked exactly like Tippi.
And I spent all summer training him so
when you came home from camp, you
would never know.
That's what kind of friend I am.
That is the most horrible thing I
have ever heard in my entire life.
Martin, how could you not have told me?
All those years I was loving this...
this imposter dog.
Martin, wait, wait.
That was my best best friend's story.
You're missing the point.
Oh, I got the point. The point is
that all this time, this fake Tippi was
laughing at me behind my back.
No wonder he left to be 26.
Christ.
I feel like such a fool.
You know what?
I hope... I hope
you get cancelled.
Maybe I'll take that back.
Martin!
[Music]
Deep inside, don't you
ever feel you're wrong?
Fuck you.
Come on, let's go.
And I don't like you.
Yes, you do.
No.
You choose.
Hey.
So, how was the show?
Nothing special. Transvestite nuns.
Right.
Listen, I've been kind of an asshole.
No, it's okay, man.
You do what you have to.
Let's face it, we're two nice
guys in really smarmy jobs.
Yeah, I guess we are.
When they talk about the dignity of
labor, they mean guys like Eddie and me.
Look, about the stuff I
tried to put in the book.
Yeah?
I'm sorry if it sounded like I think
you're just some womanizing sleaze.
Eddie, I'm using your towel, okay?
Maybe I ought to take that back.
Oh, hi.
Jesus.
Excuse me.
I think you're standing on my bra.
Thanks.
I'll keep talking.
Just pretend I'm not here.
What, what was that?
The book. Just, just forget about it.
No, man. I don't want you to get fired.
No, no, no, no. No, no. I'll be okay.
No, come on.
We'll figure out a way to do it.
Really?
What are friends for?
Booby Brothers.
You do books?
Yeah, I do books. I'm an editor.
I'm writing a book.
Oh, really?
Yeah. It's called Star Fucker.
In the last four years, I've
slept with 162 celebrities.
162?
And is she happy?
Yep. And in my book, I talk
about my experience with each one.
Eddie's going into the chapter
about black talk show hosts.
We're a whole chapter?
Uh, tell me more. It's Ginger, right?
Right. Well, I evaluate each one
numerically in several
different categories.
Performance, style, grooming.
Whoa, wait a minute. What about my book?
We'll get back to it. Tell me, Ginger.
This book isn't under option yet.
Oh, no. I'm still typing.
[music]
You make it to Bob?
Bob?
Uh-huh.
From Ginger with love.
Thanks.
Who is this bloody marvelous?
Sure. The woman sleeps with a
battalion and gets a six-figure advance.
Makes me proud to be alive today.
Marty, you're a genius.
So what else you got for me, huh?
Actually, I have a meaning
to talk to you about this.
I have the sensitive
novel about a teenage
girl coming of age
during World War II.
Oh, yeah?
She get raped by German stormtroopers, huh?
She entertain the boys back
home in imaginative ways?
Nope. It's just about her
spiritual growth as a woman.
Oh.
Sounds an awful lot like literature to me.
Yeah. It definitely is.
But the way I see it, for every one
of these, I should get to do one that I
want to do.
And I think there
are a lot of publishers
around town who
would agree with me.
Oh, all right, all right. I just hope
they're on a lot of pages, isn't it?
What? Will you look at this? A seven.
She gave me a seven.
Mickey Rooney got a nine.
Can you imagine, after all these years...
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Okay everybody, calm down please.
There's two sides to every story. Now Mara,
you heard the people from the Humane
Society. They're calling it cruelty to.
animals. What do you have to say?
Well, if you ask me, I think Coco likes it.
Sometimes when we're in the
middle of it, I can almost see
a smile on his little scaly face.
I just can't put the two of them together.
I can't understand how it could
be a match. Nobody says we
gotta understand so long as they do.
And we'll be right back with
people who really love their pets.
Do you remember when you started this show?
It wasn't gonna be like all the
others. You were gonna deal
with real issues with the arts.
Culture. We do culture.
Really? When? Tomorrow.
Porn stars read their poetry. Hey, I'll
have you know they've done some very
sensitive work. Really, I'm sure. Eddie.
You are so much better than
this. Come on man, give me a
break. It sweeps my... I gotta
get the ratings. It's my job.
[Knocking]
Yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry to bother you, Mr. Charles,
but I just wanted to tell you how much
I enjoyed the show. It was informative
and yet somehow strangely moving.
Like a lovesick buffalo.
I was wondering if I might have
your autograph. I'm to ginger with love.
You're right.
I don't know how I live with myself.
[Music]
Where you been? I took a long lunch.
What the hell's going on? Well, it's
happened. The company's
been sold to those Australian guys.
Well, I was at lunch. The new management's
already moved in. Doobens gone.
Klingers gone.
Valerie Knox was thrown out on a
surgically improved behind. All this
happened while I was at lunch?
Editors are drinking. Secretaries
are vomiting in the ladies room. It's like
an office party.
In Berlin, before the war.
What do you want me to do? Panic?
Martin. What? Did you hear?
Cindy got the axe. No. Uh-huh.
Worried is Crocodile Dundee's calling
us in one at a time to run down our
projects. If we don't
have anything good
enough, he's tossing
our shrimp onto Barbie.
Well, I've got that World War II book
about the teenage girl. I mean, that's
a great story.
What, the sensitive
one? Please. He wants
best sellers. What
are we going to do?
Commit suicide?
Lene is in here with him now.
We're dead. Martin, we're dead.
Let's not rush to any conclusions.
Come on. Cindy was good.
We're just a bunch of hacks.
[Music]
Martin, I can't become a waiter again.
I can't let go of my shirt. Get a
grip on yourself.
That's horrible. I go in there and
before I could even sit down, he just
says, "Okay, toots, what do you got?"
So I told him about the new Reuben
novel and about the bird book and about
the Lincoln biography.
And he just keeps saying, "What else?
What else? What else?"
Finally, all I got left is the children's
book. So I tell him the story, you
know, the one about the family of
bears that goes on the adventure.
The bears who go to school.
I guess I panicked because I just
started babbling on and on and I told him
the entire plot.
And then I started making things
up that aren't even in the book, like
something about an old
man who lives in a teacup.
[Laughing]
Lenea. What?
[Laughing]
Oh no, it's okay.
He fired me right on the spot.
Fuck me.
And I was wearing my lucky hat too.
[Phone ringing]
Martin Tupper's office. For now.
Maybe it won't be so bad.
Maybe they're just going to fire the girls.
Oh!
Nice.
Okay.
That was his office. You have an
appointment tomorrow. Four o'clock.
Oh Christ. I have to have a best
seller by four o'clock tomorrow?
You don't have to.
What's this?
Your resume.
I xeroxed it this morning
before the lines got too long.
Don't ever say I never
did anything for you.
[Tornado music]
Let the tournament begin.
Okay, let me. Come on.
Give me your best shot.
Marty, the book is called "Lillian's
Children Hate Her" for no good reason.
Uh-huh.
About this woman, Lillian,
whose children hate her.
For no good reason.
Exactly. So, chapter one.
Betsy moves to El Salvador.
We are doomed, aren't we?
And that's when I go into the John
Hinckley, Lee Harvey Oswald connection.
The connection.
Shh.
Fact.
Lee Harvey Oswald was killed
by a man named Jack Ruby.
Fact.
John Hinckley's third grade
teacher's name was Helena.
But everybody called her Ruby.
[Tornado music]
Don't be a writer.
I see it as a contemporary retelling
of Moby Dick. It's just called "Dick."
[Tornado music]
Tendiful.
The life you had is over. Finished forever.
Listen, I wasn't
going to bring this up,
but I've been working
on an idea for a book.
You?
Hey, I could type.
Now, I'm still working
out some of the details.
But it's about this guy, right?
And he goes to, like, this place.
Maybe there's a girl.
And, uh, this thing happens.
And he's got to make
a decision about his life.
What? What's the decision?
Well, I don't know. I told you I didn't
have everything worked out. Jesus.
Sorry.
Anyways, if you want it, it's yours.
[Tornado music]
eBay!
I'm... children!
[Gunshots]
Is there a particular poem that
you'd like to share with us today?
Well, I did bring some things.
Um, I can read for you.
That would be great.
Porno Star by Candy Mellon.
Nipples, nipples, nipples.
In a bathtub on a hilltop.
Nipples, nipples, nipples.
People watching, wanting, eating.
Nipples, penis, nipples.
Porno or no?
You tell me.
Wow.
[Applause]
It's strong stuff.
Is he bloody marvelous?
Sav, Marty.
See you.
Thank you.
You're having a
look at some of the
books you've edited
in your years here at
Whitestone? Don't seem too
concerned with quality, do you?
Well, I, uh...
No, no, I like that.
Oh. Okay.
Now, if you're gonna work for me,
Marty, and I'm not saying you aren't.
Oh, sure. Sure.
There are some things
you're gonna have to learn.
Like, for instance, the difference
between books and literature.
You know what literature
is, don't you, Marty?
Well, you've obviously
given this more
thought than I have, so
why don't you tell me?
Literature is what you
didn't read in college.
Now, a book, a book is something
you can take with you on the bus.
A book is something
you can leave on
the bus and not worry
about it too much,
'cause it's just a book.
Uh-huh.
Eat him.
You might say to
me, "Gibby, you're
playing to the lowest
common denominator."
Well, not to your face.
Well, I'd say, "Marty, you're wrong.
I'm playing lower."
Like to match his face.
I want to publish books
that everyone will read.
I want to publish the kind of books
that stupid people who can't even read
will feel compelled
to buy for their slightly
less moronic friends
to read to them.
Well, you certainly have a vision.
So, Marty, what do you got for me?
Okay.
I've got kind of a crazy, offbeat
novel about a female impersonator.
I am not some wasted wince with
a creeping tropical disease, darling.
Kinky. Any buggering, eh?
Well, it's about what happens when
he moves to a small cottage in Vermont
to take care of his dying mother.
Right. Too depressing.
What else have you got?
How about a circus story?
Eh, leerid goings on under the big top, eh?
Midgets making it with
tattooed ladies, that sort of thing.
Actually, it's a metaphor
for the human condition.
Right. Hate metaphors.
Hate the human condition.
What else have you got?
I've got a fishing manual.
Take it easy, take it easy.
Any buggering, innit?
No.
No.
What else?
Something about a cat named Pookie?
No.
What else, Marty? What else?
Where's the big money book?
Where's the book that's gonna get me hot?
She's... Let me think, you know.
I'm... I know I'm forgetting something.
I just... I see.
Well... Speak up!
Wait!
Why?
Why?
Well, because... Because
I'm saving the best for last.
Well, go ahead, Marty. I'm one giant ear.
How would you like...
Have you seen it?
Um... no.
I don't think I have.
Maybe you'd like to tell us about one.
Candy dough, candy laying.
A tell-all?
No holds barred
autobiography of any charge.
Okay.
Marty, if I were more secure in
my sexuality, I'd kiss you on the lips.
I never really understood
poetry until today.
It's like... You've given
me this wonderful gift.
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you
how much this show meant to me.
Well, I'm glad you came by again.
And remember,
any time you want to
see the show, just
ask Carolyn for tickets.
Gosh, I will. Thanks.
You... So, bud,
you still have a job?
Looks that way.
Well, all right. Let
me just get out of
this makeup and we'll
go out and celebrate.
Yeah. Yeah.
I caught some of your show today.
Oh, God. Here it comes.
No. No.
No, no, no.
I really, really liked it.
Oh, now we're beginning to
show our true colors, aren't we?
You're kidding.
No.
I thought it was... Trash.
Probing.
I thought it was... Trash.
Probing.
And I think the porno
footage informed the poetry.
I don't understand you.
Frankly, I... I was impressed.
I don't understand how
you can live with yourself.
Well, thanks, bud.
Coming from you, that means a lot.
Ah, you picked that dirty job. Now do it.
So, listen.
I have this nutty idea for a book.
But if you don't want to do it, I
understand completely and...
I'll never bring it up again.
The Eddie Charles story.
Yeah.
Nah.
Nah. What nah?
Come on, bud. There are millions
of people out there who love you.
9,000,000, three.
Right. But they just know Eddie
Charles, the incredible TV personality.
All they know is the guy with
the great looks and the charisma,
but they don't know Eddie Charles, the man.
That's true.
But... But... What?
What's the but?
Well, I figured...
I figured if I wrote
a book, it would be
with one of those
bigger publishing houses.
Okay.
You can't go that way.
But I should warn you, just as a
friend, you could get lost in the shuffle.
I mean, you know, Eddie
Charles, it's just another title.
Just another piece of shit.
Well, just another piece of meat.
On the other hand, if you do go
with those smaller boutique houses,
likewise, don't you be our big spring
book, not to mention the fact that
your best friend of over 30 years
would be overseeing the project.
Okay.
You can let go of my dick now.
I'll do the book.
We need to open with
some compelling incident,
you know, some
story that'll really...
grab 'em.
Grab 'em.
Got it.
The day I graduated from NYU.
Remember how excited my folks were?
First man in the family
to graduate from college.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Just... That was a big day.
Although, I was thinking we
could start with something like that.
That great story about you and
the three Dutch girls in the hot tub.
[laughs]
What?
You want to open my book
with a foursome in the hot tub?
Easy, easy.
It's just a thought. I mean, come
on, we're just spitballing ideas here.
All right. All right, all right.
How about the night I won the Emmy?
Or... How about
the party afterwards,
where you got drunk
and sang "Duncan Shane"
on the buffet?
Or...
The time I interviewed the Queen Mother?
Or how about the time with the
Dairy Queen girl in the chocolate dip?
Martin, my mother is gonna read this book.
Jesus! Is this how you see me?
What?
Well, hello.
Now, get up.
Just wanted to meet the man himself.
Gimme fisk, Eddie Charles and Charles.
Gimme fisk.
Pleasure to meet you, Eddie.
Can't tell you how excited
I am about this book.
Great.
Especially love that hot
tub story with the Dutch girls.
The hot tub story.
Hey, if they don't have him coming
in their hats, I don't know what will.
Well, I'll get you back too, then.
Sorry for the interrupt.
Good night.
Is he one colorful character?
Huh?
You know, I could have
expected this from anyone but you.
Hey, where are you going?
I got a show to do.
You're not gonna let him get away, are you?
Eddie, think about it.
That's the book that'll
sell a million copies.
And it's the book you promised your boss.
Is that so terrible?
Hey, you want to keep it down?
Some people are trying to work here.
You are such a hypocrite.
After all the shit you
give me about my show.
That's different.
Oh, that's television.
This is... Literature.
Literature?
I thought we weren't
doing literature anymore.
Don't you ever take a sick day.
Excuse me, it was in the memo.
Eddie, Eddie, come on.
Uh, good idea.
There is no comparison between
what you do and what you do.
All right, if you want
me to say it, I'll say it.
I'm just as shallow and
cheap and as smart as you are.
Oh, that makes me feel much better.
Eddie, help me out here.
You've got to do this book.
Easy. You're groveling on my shirt.
My job is on the line.
Forget it.
What kind of a friend are you, anyway?
What kind of friend am I?
You're the one who's using me, pal.
Using you? I'm using you.
Yes.
And this from the man who stole
my eighth grade English notes.
Oh, I knew you would throw
that in my face someday.
Boy, you think you know somebody.
Let me tell you something.
I used to think you were
the best friend I ever had.
I am the best friend you ever had.
Who lent you money when
you smashed your dad's car?
And you're also the
one who got me stoned
so that I smashed it
up in the first place.
What a wonderful memory you have.
And remember when you went
through that picture window?
Huh?
Who held your hand until the doctor came?
Yeah, and for the rest of junior
high, everyone thought we were gay.
Can't you ever forget nothing?
No, nothing.
No.
All right. All right.
You want to know what kind of friend I am?
Yeah, I want to know. Tell me.
You really want to know?
Just tell me.
When you were 11 years old and
you went to camp, your dog Tippi died.
What?
You lied. You lied.
Tippi didn't die.
Yes, he did.
He was hit by a car on Pinehurst Road.
And I made your mother drive all over
Westchester until we found a dog that
looked exactly like Tippi.
And I spent all summer training him so
when you came home from camp, you
would never know.
That's what kind of friend I am.
That is the most horrible thing I
have ever heard in my entire life.
Martin, how could you not have told me?
All those years I was loving this...
this imposter dog.
Martin, wait, wait.
That was my best best friend's story.
You're missing the point.
Oh, I got the point. The point is
that all this time, this fake Tippi was
laughing at me behind my back.
No wonder he left to be 26.
Christ.
I feel like such a fool.
You know what?
I hope... I hope
you get cancelled.
Maybe I'll take that back.
Martin!
[Music]
Deep inside, don't you
ever feel you're wrong?
Fuck you.
Come on, let's go.
And I don't like you.
Yes, you do.
No.
You choose.
Hey.
So, how was the show?
Nothing special. Transvestite nuns.
Right.
Listen, I've been kind of an asshole.
No, it's okay, man.
You do what you have to.
Let's face it, we're two nice
guys in really smarmy jobs.
Yeah, I guess we are.
When they talk about the dignity of
labor, they mean guys like Eddie and me.
Look, about the stuff I
tried to put in the book.
Yeah?
I'm sorry if it sounded like I think
you're just some womanizing sleaze.
Eddie, I'm using your towel, okay?
Maybe I ought to take that back.
Oh, hi.
Jesus.
Excuse me.
I think you're standing on my bra.
Thanks.
I'll keep talking.
Just pretend I'm not here.
What, what was that?
The book. Just, just forget about it.
No, man. I don't want you to get fired.
No, no, no, no. No, no. I'll be okay.
No, come on.
We'll figure out a way to do it.
Really?
What are friends for?
Booby Brothers.
You do books?
Yeah, I do books. I'm an editor.
I'm writing a book.
Oh, really?
Yeah. It's called Star Fucker.
In the last four years, I've
slept with 162 celebrities.
162?
And is she happy?
Yep. And in my book, I talk
about my experience with each one.
Eddie's going into the chapter
about black talk show hosts.
We're a whole chapter?
Uh, tell me more. It's Ginger, right?
Right. Well, I evaluate each one
numerically in several
different categories.
Performance, style, grooming.
Whoa, wait a minute. What about my book?
We'll get back to it. Tell me, Ginger.
This book isn't under option yet.
Oh, no. I'm still typing.
[music]
You make it to Bob?
Bob?
Uh-huh.
From Ginger with love.
Thanks.
Who is this bloody marvelous?
Sure. The woman sleeps with a
battalion and gets a six-figure advance.
Makes me proud to be alive today.
Marty, you're a genius.
So what else you got for me, huh?
Actually, I have a meaning
to talk to you about this.
I have the sensitive
novel about a teenage
girl coming of age
during World War II.
Oh, yeah?
She get raped by German stormtroopers, huh?
She entertain the boys back
home in imaginative ways?
Nope. It's just about her
spiritual growth as a woman.
Oh.
Sounds an awful lot like literature to me.
Yeah. It definitely is.
But the way I see it, for every one
of these, I should get to do one that I
want to do.
And I think there
are a lot of publishers
around town who
would agree with me.
Oh, all right, all right. I just hope
they're on a lot of pages, isn't it?
What? Will you look at this? A seven.
She gave me a seven.
Mickey Rooney got a nine.
Can you imagine, after all these years...
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