Celebs Go Dating (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
- This summer,
these famous dating disasters
are looking for love.
Joey Essex!
- I really want to meet a
salt and that's why I'm here.
- Stephanie Pratt!
I don't want guys to think
that if they date me,
I'm gonna bring them on
TV and they'll be famous.
- Paisley Billings.
- I've never been in love
so I need the agents to find me
someone
who I can be myself
with and learn to love.
- Tyger Drew-Honey.
- My parents worked in the porn
industry.
What difference does that make?
- And Charlotte Crosby.
- I want unicorns, I want
butterflies,
I want fairytale love.
- They've signed up
to E4's Celebrity Dating
Agency to find The One.
- Scared in case you see my
vagina!
- But in their
search for a soulmate,
these celebs aren't dating
famous people.
- It just don't seem to work.
- They're dating you!
- Oh my fucking god!
- Stop panicking!
- Do you have a lot of sex?
- What the...
- They've got three weeks.
- Hi!
- To meet and greet.
- Hey guys.
- Wine and dine, kiss or diss.
- It was disgusting.
- As many dates as possible.
- It was just awful.
- Before they must choose.
- I actually got
circumcised three weeks ago.
- Their perfect Plus One.
Tonight, the agency opens up.
- I'm a single Joey,
that's why I'm here, guys.
- We dive into
their showbiz sex lives.
- What about that?
- That's a decent size.
- They go on the pull.
- So would you like to
go on a date with me?
- His body is unreal.
- Oh my god!
- And for the very first time.
- Charlotte is on it.
- Cheers!
- Our Celebs Go Dating.
Welcome to the Celebrity Dating
Agency.
This elite agency is about
to take complete control
of our stars' love lives.
And with the celebs about to
arrive,
receptionist Tom is
busy squirting flowers.
- I am
as they would say in France.
Just so excited because
we're at the very beginnings,
we're sowing the seeds
of great trees of love.
Morning, Nadia!
Look at the heels, they're
divine.
- With a track
record in elite matchmaking,
what's Nadia's best advice
for our single celebs?
- If you're single and
you don't want to be,
the problem is you.
- That's told you innit?
She's not messing about.
♪ Give me something to let go
- Her fellow agent, Eden,
has a slightly warmer approach.
- My goal is to find one
person and another person,
and bring them together for
love.
- Ah, what a guy!
- Morning!
- Morning!
- Celebrities have got it made,
they very rarely pay
for a dinner or a club
but actually the one
thing they really want
and that they're searching for
is something they can't buy
which is a genuine person to
love.
- Stop it,
Eden, you're turning me.
Today, Eden and Nadia will
meet the celeb singletons
for the first time.
They've got a database full
of potential civilian
partners who our celebs
will meet at a singles party
tonight.
Let's meet the first celeb,
as soon as Tom's finished
buffing his diamond.
- Resist them!
- In your own time, Tom.
- Ooh.
- First up is
MIC's Stephanie Pratt.
She's had a load of famous exes
including Chelsea stars Spencer
Matthews and Josh Shepherd.
- Hello, Celebrity Dating
Agency.
- Hi, it's Stephanie Pratt,
I've got an appointment.
- Oh come in!
- Thanks.
- Steph's desperate
for the dating agency
to find her a regular punter
to share her LA beach house,
Chelsea pad and millions of
dollars in the bank with.
- You're fabulous.
- Form an
orderly queue, gentlemen.
- It's really hard
because I just turned 30
and I feel like, you know,
this is the age when everyone's
marrying
and having kids but I'm
so far from having kids.
- It's fair to say she's got
a pretty shit taste in men.
- Literally three years ago,
I met this guy on my first night
ever
in London named Spencer
Matthews.
- Yes!
- And I was just like,
oh my god, I love him.
And then literally, he cheated
on me.
- Oh.
- Oh, I'm not one of those
people
that's friends with their exes.
When we broke up, like, they
died.
- Why do you think you
need an agency like us?
What can we do for you?
- No one ever approaches me.
- Steph!
- Oh come on!
- On my life.
- Look at you, you are a goddess
so where,
where is it going wrong?
- I tend to go for gay guys.
I don't know what the name for
me is
but it is weird like I
am attracted to gay guys.
- Not going to help is it?
At his Essex mansion, fellow
celeb singleton Joey Essex
is feeling unsure about
the matchmaking process.
- What do match-makers do?
Do they just sort of match
your make, don't they?
They like match you to the
person
that your dreams would come true
with.
- Yeah pretty much, Joey.
Back at the agency,
things aren't progressing.
- What's your
version of good-looking?
- Gay guys.
- She definitely
needs their help.
Let's meet our next
client looking for love.
♪ Yeah
- 26 year
old Joey's been engaged,
linked to Perry from Little
Mix and is even rumoured
to have shared an ex
with Leonardo di Caprio.
But our reality TV royalty
still can't find a missus.
- You look like you're
absolutely ripe for love.
- So it would be amazing
if she had brains,
it'd be sick if she had a sense
of humour
and bonus if she's fit.
It's not massively important,
the brains,
but it would help a lot
throughout life.
It would almost be like
having a portable calculator
with me or something like that.
I think a lot of people
think I'm really stupid.
- Okay.
- When really,
obviously don't tell no one
this, but I'm really clever.
Like people don't realise how
clever I am.
- Hello!
- Hi, it's Paisley.
- And how do you think fame has
affected your relationships?
- So if a girl gets with me,
they know all my ex-girlfriends.
They know who I've been out
'cause they can just type
in Joey Essex ex-girlfriends
and they all come up.
- And what type of girl are
you looking for at the moment?
- Right, let's get down
to business, right.
So she's blonde, beautiful,
I mean obviously blue eyes,
but I mean she can have brown.
I'm hoping to achieve a balanced
chilled-out relationship.
That'd be sick.
- Yeah mate, sick.
Next up, Tattoo Fixers'
receptionist Paisley.
- So I can't make this work.
Right, let me just try.
Oh crumbs!
- You can do it, Tom.
This wouldn't happen
on your watch, Paisley.
- I'd just shout.
Before I was in the public eye,
like anyone who came over to me,
I thought, okay, they might be
interested,
but now it's 100% because
they've got.
- Paisley, you'll know her,
Tattoo Fixers.
- I've just got like man
repellent or something,
like there's something on me
that just keeps people away.
Don't know why.
I don't really like do dates
so I'd say like going
down the chicken shop.
- Okay, that's not a date.
- Okay cool, well yeah, I've
never been on a date then.
- Who is your ideal guy?
- I don't know but they've
got to have a bit of bant.
I'll probably like insult them
and see if they can insult me
back, right.
If I was to see you, I'd be
like you alright, Four Eyes?
Do you know what I mean?
- And you're
struggling to find a date, yeah?
Hmm.
- This is the beginning.
I'm a complete amateur at
dating.
I'm like a newborn.
I'm like being birthed
into this dating scene.
- Good luck with being birthed.
Next on the scene is Tyger
Drew-Honey.
The only man to go from being a
child star
in a BBC One sitcom to
making a documentary
about having sex with a robot.
Each to their own.
- A lot of like child stars
are totally like cuckoo, they're
mental.
- Alright Nadia, go easy on him.
- How do you think that's
affected
the way people sort of interact
with you?
- I think I do prefer actually
if I do meet someone who
doesn't initially know who I am.
- Yeah.
- He's not the
only famous one in the family.
His parents are also stars,
porn stars apparently.
- My dad and mom have
been in the porn industry
for most part of their lives.
When I was three or four,
they would tell me that, you
know,
mommy and daddy film
people having special hugs
and people enjoy it.
- Speaking of special hugs.
- Do you have a lot of sex?
- I'm not sure, maybe once
every,
if I'm not with someone
maybe once every few weeks.
- You monster.
- Tell us about the dream girl.
- Someone who I can have
intelligent conversation with.
I like a little bit of
quirkiness.
I'd quite like a little bit
of a foreign look, I think.
- What if a girl got
really drunk on a date?
- That's a turn-off.
I don't really like those people
who have that massive party
culture of go out all the time,
off to Zante, off to
Maga, you know every year.
- You're gonna
absolutely love our next celeb.
Outrageous TV star and
party girl Charlotte Crosby
who lists the love of her life
as tequila.
- Oh!
- Thanks mate, oh?
- Hi Tyger.
- Hi, I really recognise you.
- Really, well I recognise you
too.
- You're the child who was on
that show.
- Yeah I was.
- Out, out...
- Numbered!
- Yes!
- Aye.
- Who am I?
- You're Charlotte Crosby.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- I'm hoping to get a
few interesting fun dates
with some really hot boys
and maybe an engagement.
That's too eager, isn't it?
- Eager?
Nah, think big.
- A bit scared in case you see
my vagina.
- Okay.
- 'Cause this is very short.
- Anyway, why are you here?
- I would like to find a nice
boy.
- Well that's, you're in the
right place.
That's what we deal with here.
- They need to be good
looking, taller than me.
- Right.
- They need
to keep us on my toes.
- Is that all?
What about good hair?
- I would like them to have some
pubes.
- I didn't mean that.
- I want to meet someone
who wants to lay in bed
at night and talk about
if aliens really exist
and then maybe one day
when we get old and retire,
work in a zoo.
The last relationship was just
shit.
And I don't wanna get upset
because all I do is cry
about it but it was just awful.
I really just want to
meet someone who loves us
for who I am and I can love
back,
and have a happy relationship
with.
- Well the interesting bit
will be the mixer party.
- What if I'm too nervous
to talk to someone?
I get very nervous and then I
start needing a nervous poo,
and then all I'll do is
fart the whole night.
It'll just be a disaster.
I'm hoping the agency can point
out
what I've been doing wrong
and maybe find someone
who'll love me for me.
- Well you've
come to the right place.
Nadia and Eden's clients are
all ordinary people looking
for an extraordinary celeb
boyfriend or girlfriend.
- That way?
- Ooh.
- It's time
for the singles mixer,
full of nice intelligent
good-looking, foreign-looking,
quirky sorts with bants
and possibly even pubes.
Shall we meet them?
- Hey, I'm Flo, I'm 21 and I am
a student.
- My name's Marlene.
- My name's Jack Ravel.
- I'm Ellis, I'm 21 years old.
- I like playing tennis.
- I am a bit of a clean
freak, I don't have OCD.
- Love travelling.
- Meeting new people,
seeing, you know, new places.
- Say hi mom!
Say hi!
- I am definitely,
definitely looking for love.
I can sail a boat.
- Leave me alone, mom.
- When I tell my friends about
this,
they'll probably think she's
crazy
but they won't be surprised to
be honest
because that's me, Marlene.
Marlene Crazy Marlene.
- Thanks, crazy Marlene.
All we need now are our famous
five
who are prepped and raring to
go.
- Hi, like what do you say after
hi?
Like hi!
- I'm feeling a little bit
nervous.
- Either everyone's really
really ugly
and I don't get on with them
and we don't have anything in
common
and they don't want to date me.
- Woo, you know what I mean?
- Or everyone's really good
looking
and we don't have anything in
common
and I don't get on with them
and they don't want to date me.
- Everyone stop panicking!
If they don't like us
for what I look like now,
then they don't deserve us.
- Dating agents, Nadia and Eden,
have just three weeks
to find our celebs love.
They've arranged a singles
blitzer packed
with regular people
trying to bag a celeb date
but, in a cruel twist, it's the
celebs
who will be doing the asking
out.
Time to reveal our famous faces.
Am I supposed to feel this
nervous?
- Hi!
Hello!
Hi!
Hiya, hi!
Hi, hello!
Hello.
- Not a strong
start, is it, Charlotte?
- Are you okay?
- Eden, I am freaking out.
I've been on five dates
in my whole entire life
so I haven't got that
much dating knowledge.
- Next through the
door, hello Tyger Drew-Honey!
- The celebrities are probably
used
to roped-off VIP areas but
they can't be intimidated
by walking into a room
full of ordinary people.
- Hi Danielle, I'm Tyger.
- Nice to meet you.
- You are?
- Marlene.
- Marlene.
I am so nervous right now.
- Don't be nervous.
- So Tyger.
- You have a documentary?
- Yeah I did the
documentary, my name's going.
I'm gonna get a soft drink, I
think.
- Hello!
- Doing her best
to sneak in like a ninja,
it's dating virgin Paisley.
- I'm like what have we walked
into?
- It's very nerve wracking,
mind.
- I know.
I don't like feeling
uncomfortable or nervous
so I'll either have a drink
or I'll just get myself
out of that situation.
I need to get a drink.
Yeah.
- There you go, there you
go, she's right on it.
- God, it's really hot.
Can I use this plate to fan
myself?
- The next celeb is on his way
and this bunch who won't
be fazed at all by him,
not one bit.
Right, Marlene?
- Oh my fucking god!
- How are you, how are you?
- How you doing, you alright?
- It's Joey
Essex, that's my dream guy.
- Hello, how are you?
- Oh my god.
Oh my god, he's my dream fucking
guy.
- I do think a lot of girls
chase me
'cause of the whole fame thing
like.
I get some girls throwing
their selves at me
but sometimes it's good,
sometimes it's bad.
Yeah yeah.
- Go and talk to him, go and
talk to him.
- Yeah, I need a drink, yeah.
- This is
your big moment, Marlene.
- What's your name?
- I'm Charlotte.
- I'm Joey Essex, how are you?
- Oh no!
- You want a shot, don't you?
I'm having a shot.
- Are you?
- Tequila, yeah.
- I'll have a shot, come on.
- Come on then.
- Whilst
Joey and Charlotte flirt
with each other, Paisley's
struggling
to flirt with anyone.
- You were saying that
you don't really go up
to guys and things like that.
- Yeah yeah yeah.
- This is what you're gonna do
now.
This is kind of like,
this is why we're here.
- I'm shitting myself.
- Let's just do this one first.
- Hello darling, you alright?
Joey Essex, nice to meet
you, what's your name?
- Marlene.
- Marlene, yeah?
- You're not going to forget
because it's like Bob Marley.
- Oh no, I'll remember
that definitely for sure.
Right, I'm doing this shot.
- Joey!
I'm just gonna leave you to it.
Have a nice time.
- Joey's Marlene's dream guy
and this is her big chance.
- What's up?
- Play it cool, Marlene.
- Are you here to look for a
girlfriend?
- Oh god!
- Like honestly?
The thing is, yeah, in three
years I've had two dates.
I've kissed one guy in three
years.
- What?
- It's quite embarrassing.
- I mean I don't know
whether to say that's frigid.
- No, it's not frigid.
- Or you're a good girl.
I want to go somewhere
round here, can't we?
Let's go round here.
- Come on, babe.
What did you say?
- Marlene,
that's not playing it cool.
- What turns me off?
Pestering.
This sounds so bad, man.
Marlene, yeah, keeps going to me
like,
she'll walk over, there'll
be a girl talking to me
and she will give me this one,
like this.
And then start talking to me
like that.
- En route
from Chelsea is Steph,
planning her pulling technique.
- When I go out, I
never like walk to guys.
I walk to the bar.
Which I think I'm gonna
do when I get there.
♪ Together
- With Marlene
keeping a watchful eye,
Joey might have found the petite
blonde
that he was after and he goes
straight for the romance.
- Apparently somebody fired on
it earlier.
- Yeah that was me.
- I mean I don't really
know how to be romantic.
I just sort of be me.
I mean Joey Essex, I just be
myself, you know what I mean,
just be Joey, that's it.
You're bare dirty, man.
How old are you?
- 21.
- Which celebrity would you like
to date?
- I really like just the
sound of the Essex voice
so like The Only Way Is Essex
type.
I don't, like I don't know what
it is,
it's their voice and I'm like,
oh yeah!
How old did you think I was?
- No, I don't know, about 22?
- Oh, that's okay.
- I won't usually be up.
You alright, darling?
Oh!
She's trying to steal me.
- Oh the girl in the red dress.
- Let's run over here, quickly.
Come over here, follow me,
follow me.
Right, let's go over here.
- Meanwhile
Paisley's still petrified
of talking to anyone with a
penis.
Time for an intervention.
- I've literally only come
this far into the room.
- Right, well come on, let's go.
- I've not been like inside.
- You need to go in a bit more.
- I want to say inside
but you know what I mean.
I'm here 'cause I wanna like
share my life with someone,
like go and do fun stuff with
someone
like why am I laughing on my
own?
There should be someone
there to laugh with me,
do you know what I mean?
- If you were gonna
rate yourself out of 10,
how would you rate yourself?
- Six and a half.
- Oh, get out of here!
You're way better.
- Yeah.
- Guys!
- Are you welling up?
- Oh!
- This is your opportunity.
You're gonna pick your date.
You're gonna pick.
- I get to pick?
- This is you, this is you.
- In her pursuit
of love, Charlotte's tactic
is to get deep and meaningful.
- What is your favourite colour?
- Oh for fuck's sake.
- One two three, green.
- Blue.
- Aw, we weren't the same.
- We're not a match.
- No.
- You smell amazing by the way.
- Thank you.
- Just had to put it out there.
- Thanks for that.
- What do you do for a job?
- I'm a personal trainer.
- Duh, why do you want to date a
celeb?
- Why would you not?
It's someone who's gonna
bring something else
to your table that you've
maybe not had before.
- You did awfully.
- Thank you.
- But I did quite like that.
It will stand out.
Dating someone who isn't
famous is always really hard,
like you don't know whether
their intentions are real,
you don't know whether they're
fame-hungry
and it's a bit upsetting having
to always think about that
in your head and never knowing
if they're with you for the
right reasons.
- Steph's driver better hurry up
before Charlotte scares all the
boys off.
- Do you know how far away we
are?
- About two minutes.
- This is bad.
- Back at the mixer,
Paisley's still alone and Tyger
isn't.
- I haven't had a date for about
a year.
- Why?
- I live in a village.
- Where do you live?
- Peterborough.
In three years I've been on two
dates.
- How come?
Surely you wouldn't have
like trouble finding dates
because obviously you look
lovely.
- That's what everyone says but
I haven't,
I've been on two dates in three
years.
- Is that 'cause the guys in
Peterborough
just aren't very interesting?
- Yeah.
- Do you know what, when Danny
came over
and introduced himself I was
thinking
why are you talking to me?
Just talk to Charlotte.
Like but obviously it was
a whole circle of people
and he was like, yeah, I'm
Danny,
and I was like, okay
yeah, go to Charlotte.
- Right, go this way, go this
way.
My Danny had better not be
flirting with you, Paisley!
- With Marlene fully occupied,
Joey's having a geography
lesson with student Flo.
- Where are you from?
- Like, well, it's Berkshire
but it's Reading but I say
Berkshire.
- What, I've never heard
of Berkshire in my life.
- But you've heard of Reading?
- Sort of, yeah I've heard of
Reading
but you said Berkshire.
Berkshire?
- The Royal County of Berkshire.
- Oh are you posh?
- Still taking.
- Yes, yes.
- And that's a long
conversation.
- Having escaped Marlene,
Tyger's now chatting up
jeweller seller, Somta.
- How tall are you?
- I'm five seven.
- Five seven, okay,
that's quite tall though.
- Take these off I'm
literally just down here.
- That's quite tall.
Would you say five
eleven most of the time?
- Yeah.
- Aw, great height chat.
- Yeah, you alright?
- So what do you do?
- Well I'm an actor.
- Oh.
- And you're a model?
And you're a model.
Somta, I'll speak to you
in five minutes, right?
- Yeah.
- How old are you?
- We spoke about this.
- Yeah, so why, why are you
here?
- We'll leave you to it, Tyger.
So let's recap on our
potential power couples.
Joey's still going with the Flo.
Charlotte's going for another
drink.
And Paisley's finally
plucked up the courage
to talk to someone with a penis.
What could possibly go wrong?
Apart from Stephanie Pratt
arriving.
Alright mate, stick the
mouse back in the house.
- I don't really know
what kind of guy I attract
because no one talks to me.
And also I'm so old fashioned,
I would never make the first
move.
- I've watched Breaking Bad.
- Hey guys.
- Oh yeah, Steph never gets
approached by men, really!
- I can be, I'll personal
train you for free.
- Just when I thought I
was getting somewhere.
I feel like that girl at the
school disco
who's got no one to dance with.
- Oh Pais!
The Celebrity Dating
Agency's mixer is hotting up
and our celebs are on the pull.
By the end of the night,
they'll ask someone out.
So far Tyger and Joey
have ditched Marlene.
Joey's after posh student Flo.
- Have you got your eyes on
anyone else
or have you just got your
eyes on me at the moment?
- No, what about you?
- And Tyger's trying his luck
with sales woman Somta.
Charlotte's still having a
session with trainer Danny
and Paisley's finally hit
her stride with dancer Cory.
- Do you have any tattoos
yourself?
- But Steph is
now completely surrounded.
Sorry, Steph, I get the feeling
none of this lot are gay.
- Everyone's like trying
to describe themselves,
you know, so fast so
literally I'm getting spat
on by these guys, literally
like droplets on my face.
- I walked past you five times
and there is literally cock
galore.
Do you like any of them?
- Like three of them.
- What!
- Ellis is really hot.
What about you?
- Jack with the bit of the beard
and the navy top and the blazer.
I'm gonna go and talk to him
now.
- Do you know what, I've
always wanted a coat like this.
- Now Steph's distracted,
Paisley makes her move.
- Right, remind me of what you
do please.
- Professional dancer.
- Are you, what styles, tell me.
- Hiphop, ballet, contemporary.
I'm a fusion artist so
I fuse styles together.
Do you dance?
- I was a dancer before anything
else.
- That's great.
- Cory's a dancer, he's
got a gorgeous smile
and a cute little hat.
I'm into him.
- Who doesn't love a hat!
With the night in full flow, the
celebs
are starting to narrow down
their options.
- I'm going for a
drink, have a chat round there?
- Yeah sure.
- Is that alright?
- Yeah.
- Come on, Joey.
- Wassup?
Do you want to go for a drink?
- Are we going for a drink?
- See you later.
You lick my salt, I'll lick your
salt.
- Basically I'm a bit sad
because my type was Joey Essex.
I tried to chat to him but
he wasn't really interested.
It's a little bit embarrassing.
- Moisturised hands, they are?
- Yeah I know, I moisturise
daily.
Bio oil.
- Do you, on your hands?
I think she likes me, I hope she
likes me
because I like her.
She's a nice girl, you know.
Do you want to go on a
date with me or what?
- Yeah alright, yeah.
Right yeah, okay.
- I'll be in touch, yeah?
- Okay.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
- Flo's so ping!
- When I take a step back, I'm
like okay,
no this is Joey Essex, he is a
celebrity,
he's asked me out on a date.
I'm quite nervous about it, if
I'm honest.
- Naked Butler
Jeavon is giving Jack
from Surrey some stiff
competition.
How will Charlotte choose
between them?
- What about a six pack?
- Never had an ab in my life.
- My perfect boy's got to have a
six pack.
Oh I can see one already.
- Fucking hell!
There's like six of them and
everything, fucking Christ.
- Face or body?
Be honest.
- Body, it's got to be body.
- A fucking dent!
- Jack, you have not got an ab.
- Sorry I haven't
but look at that dent.
- You should be ashamed of
yourself.
I'm a bit picky in everything I
want.
They need to tick all the right
boxes.
I'm 26 now.
- Talk to me more about picky.
- What about if you asked
them how many inches are you?
- But how, like, are we
talking like roughly?
- It can never be that
skinny, first of all.
What about that?
- That's about a good six.
- That's a decent size.
- So do you want to
keep this as an example?
- Yeah could we take that?
We'll keep that.
- His body is unreal.
- Jeavon's abs
might have bagged him a date.
Oh hang on!
- Hiya!
- Oh god he's got a six pack.
- Listen, what I want to say
to you is I'd love to get
to know you a little bit more.
Let me go on a date with you
and then maybe you can
see what's underneath
but I'm not just gonna be
flashing it here and now.
I'm a bit better than that
so let's go on a date.
- Right but I feel like you want
to get to know any girl a bit
more.
- Do you want to go on
a date with me or not?
- I don't know whether I can
answer that
in front of all these.
- Right, that's fine then.
Listen, I ain't gonna wait
round for this long, seriously.
- No way!
- Here I go.
Here I go.
- No yes yes, okay.
- You wanna go out?
- Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom.
Right you.
Tom, it's all getting
a little bit awkward.
He is literally forcing us on a
date.
- I'm definitely not
forcin' ya, dude, seriously.
- Dude!
Dude!
- No seriously, the fact that
she's not chose any other man
apart from me is the fact
that it's a wise decision.
- For someone
who's shagged a robot,
Tyger's really struggling
to chat up a human.
- Do you sing for a living at
all?
- No, not at all no.
- It's probably fair to
say that my flirting skills
could do with a bit of a polish.
Do you ever watch Grand Designs?
God, why did I do that?
- No idea, mate!
Right, Steph's narrowed it
down to yoga teacher, Ellis,
and northern lad, Joss.
Who will get the California
girl?
- You guys all kind of have
your own schedules, huh?
- Yeah, for me I do, I've
got a proper schedule.
- I'm not doing anything.
- But I'm flexible.
- Did you say I'm not doing
anything?
You are a catch.
- I'm free for the foreseeable
future.
- I want you.
- Out of the celebrities to
choose from,
I'd probably choose Steph Pratt.
She seems mostly my
type, blonde, blue eyes,
quite petite frame, into
her health kind of stuff.
- Would you like to go out?
- 100%, yeah I'd love to take
you out.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- Oh my god, I've never asked
out a guy.
Sorry, guys.
- Listen, I'm gonna leave you to
it.
- Okay.
I think Ellis is really
hot and he's goofy.
What's your last name?
- Partridge like in a pear tree.
- I mean how easy is this?
- Yeah, it's not Christmas.
- Got an example for everything.
- Christmas came early for me
anyway so.
- Okay, these lines are like--
- They're just falling out.
- They're really cute but.
He has a line for everything.
But he's actually making me
pretty excited about our date.
I think I made a good choice.
- So it's official.
Our female celebs are going
dating,
apart from Paisley who's still
struggling.
- I only like one person.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Get some bloody balls and
courage
and go and get the job done.
- In five, four.
- I've only got one guy that I
really like
and that I think likes me
so I'm gonna put all my eggs
in one basket but if Cory says
no,
I'm actually gonna cry.
I have a question to ask you.
- Yes?
- Oh my god!
Would you go on a date with me?
- Yeah of course, yeah, I
wouldn't mind.
- Would you actually?
- Yeah, why not?
I don't see why not.
- You're not just saying it
for the sake of saying it?
- No genuinely, I would love
to, I would love to court you.
- I'm gonna run away now
because this is so awkward.
This isn't my life.
I'm so happy right now.
- All the
girls have bagged a date.
Now Tyger's ready to pop the
question.
- Would you like to get married?
- Oh save that
for series two, mate.
- Like if you found the right
person.
- I didn't expect it to be this
difficult.
Right then so would you like
to go on a date with me?
No seriously.
- No yeah, sure.
With less pressure.
- I know, this has been quite
a weird day, I have to say.
Have you ever asked anyone
out, stone cold sober
in front of numerous TV cameras?
I wouldn't recommend it.
- I think Tyger's quite
good looking, yeah.
- And that's a full house.
It's the end of the night
and all our celebs have found a
date.
Wasn't hard was it?
- My stomach was in my bumhole.
- Oh lord, moving on.
The morning after the mixer
and today Charlotte and Joey
will be going
on their first dates.
- Is that coffee machine on?
- Oh yes, it is on.
It's prosecco, that's what does
it.
- But not before
a pep talk from the agents.
- Yo yo yo Thomas, Joey Essex,
J.E.
- Come in.
- Hello!
- Good to see you again.
- How are you feeling?
- Yeah yeah, I feel good.
It was awkward.
I mean you saw the girl,
right, that red dress girl.
- Marlene?
- She was just on me.
Every time I looked round,
like it would be awkward,
I'd put my head down like that
and I'd look up and they'd all
be going.
- But you must get that
everywhere.
- Yeah but not as bait,
not as bait as that.
- So Flo, is she your
usual type?
- She's not my like usual type.
But she's, it's good that she's
different
because this is what, you
know, what I wanna do this,
is wanna experience dating girls
who probably ain't my type.
- Let's talk about like
Charlotte
and all the other celebs that
were there.
- I mean Charlotte has always
wanted
to go on a date with me.
Being in a relationship
with a celebrity is just,
I mean, I would like to say now
that it would make it easier
but I just don't know if it
would.
We both like, like argue
but in like a funny way.
Probably won't work but who
knows, you know what I mean?
She could be the one.
- Speaking of which,
a hung-over Charlotte surfaces
for a pre-date debrief
before meeting Danny later.
- Hi Tom, it's Charlotte.
- Oh hello.
- There was one really awkward
moment.
- Okay.
- Danny, he went, dude!
He called us dude.
- So he talks to you
like crap, insults you.
- Yes.
- And out of all the men
in the mixer, you choose
him to go on a date with.
- Do you wanna go on
a date with me or not?
- I just think he's got a
chance of pulling it back round.
- Really?
I would say of all the guys at
the mixer,
the bar was probably
your boyfriend the most.
- I just felt nervous and the
only thing
that was gonna ease the nerves
was having a couple of drinks.
- How do you think
tonight's gonna go though?
Are you planning to get pissed
tonight?
- I don't think I physically
can, I just don't think I can.
- Then if you don't think
you need a drink tonight,
that's a good start.
It's a great start.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I think it's gonna be
fun.
- I hope so.
Do I stick with what the
agency said and just not drink?
Nah!
- As some of our single celebs
head to the agency.
- Hi, it's Paisley!
- Joey's trying to dress
to impress his date, Flo.
- I mean I could go really edgy,
yeah.
- Meanwhile
Charlotte's in a hotel room
getting ready for her date with
Danny,
but will he be coming back
to her room later tonight?
- I will not be inviting the
date back,
not after the first date.
Maybe after the second though.
At the moment I can't
even imagine kissing Danny
on this date because it
was so awkward at the mixer
but I know I need to keep an
open mind
and just see what
happens when I get there.
Rank, right, my forehead looks
so big.
I'm very unconfident
and I am very insecure.
- You're not
the only one, Charlotte.
Over in Essex, Joey's getting
ready to go with the Flo.
- You can't just go on dates
and just expect it's everything.
You've got to plan this stuff,
man.
This way.
I'm all about the threads
and threads is my thing
so I'm gonna look sick tonight
and I'm gonna look very thready
for Flo.
I mean I could go really edgy,
yeah?
Like I'm about to, about
to go on centre court.
- When was the last time
you watched Wimbledon, Joey,
1993?
- I ain't got no clothes.
- Talking
of wardrobe nightmares.
- How do I get the goddamn iron
out?
I mean I've never ironed upright
before.
I've never known anything so
stupid.
- Come on, Charlotte.
You're ironing on a wall.
Where you going?
- Wallop, you know what I mean?
I could just bust out.
That would be, that would be
silly.
I don't want to try too hard.
I want to turn up and just be
like, yo, what's happening?
Why wouldn't I?
- Because
you're going on a date,
not to play tennis.
- I can't change now, I haven't
got time.
My date's probably already at
Sugar Hut.
We ready?
Because I mean, I haven't got my
watch on,
can't tell the time anyway.
- Talking of time,
Charlotte's still taking care of
business.
- That was bad.
- Nervous poo
done, time to get going.
- Hi!
- Charlotte's
decided to meet her date, Danny,
in a burger bar.
Despite Nadia's advice to stay
sober,
Charlotte's settling her nerves
the only way she knows how.
- I am so nervous.
I get nervous for dates anyways
but me and Danny didn't exactly
hit it off at the mixer.
Why did I even agree to go on
this date?
I know I said I wouldn't have a
drink,
but I think I'm gonna need
one to settle my nerves.
- Easy tiger.
- Maybe he's not gonna come.
- Staying
close to his Essex roots,
Joey's meeting his date
Flo at his favourite local,
the Sugar Hut.
Being Essex royalty,
Joey's used his connections
to reserve an area especially
for his date, lucky girl!
But where is she?
He may not be able to tell the
time
but even our Joey knows when
he's being kept waiting.
- Can I have a, can I
have water for now please?
I think I might have been stood
up.
Where is she?
I mean the longer I wait, the
more nervous I'm gonna get.
- Hiya!
- Oh ho, it's Flo.
Sorry, you alright?
How are you?
- I'm good, how are you?
- Yeah I'm good, you?
- Yeah, I'm good.
- Yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Oh thank god she's here.
She looks naughty as well, she
looks nice,
and she's got them diamonds in
her eyes
which is exactly how I
remembered so perfect.
Have you been looking forward to
the date?
- Yeah a little bit, yeah.
- You look nice.
- Yeah, you too.
- Thank you.
- Like yellow.
- Like a tennis player innit?
I mean I just didn't, I
didn't know what to wear.
I just thought--
- No, I'm loving it.
- Obviously thanks for coming to
Essex.
Didn't know if you was coming or
not.
- Oh.
- I thought you was gonna swerve
me.
- Stand you up?
- Yeah, thought I was gonna get
stood up.
Have you dated before?
- Yeah.
- Have you?
- But like, like at Nandos.
- Back in London,
Charlotte is still waiting
for Danny and by the looks of
it, she's run out of booze.
- Thank the fucking lord.
- Praise the lord indeed!
Danny's here.
- Hi Danny!
- You alright?
- How are you?
- Good, you?
- I'm really nervous.
- Really, why?
- Are you not?
- You look stunning.
- Thank you.
- You look really nice.
- Danny's arrived and I'm
feeling really anxious
but he does look really nice.
Is he gonna start talking at us
again
'cause that'll be so awkward?
This dude needs to say what I
want to hear
or else I'm out of here.
I think I was a bit more nervous
because of the weird
time we had at the mixer.
- I just, I couldn't
work it out, you know.
I was--
- So what, what happened?
- Well you tell me,
you were the one giving
it the biggun like.
- You, me?
- I was really excited
to meet you, all right,
and then like my first meeting
with you,
answering your questions, you
were like shit shit answers,
shit answers.
I was like wow, okay,
this girl's like my mom.
- So what about when you
came over and called us dude?
Then you strolled over and
demanded
to know my answer then and now.
- I know.
Well I don't like hanging
around.
Like you must know if you like
someone and you see someone,
then, without asking three
of the most random questions
ever,
you'll know if you want to go
on a date with them or not.
- True, true, so do you
apologise now?
- Yeah, I really do
apologise with sugar on top,
is that alright?
- Oh my god, Danny's apologised
to us.
Maybe that penis on his
forehead's removable after all.
- I don't really date girls.
- Liar, liar!
- No, I've never done this.
Like one-on-one dates and that.
You go to university?
- Yeah.
- What university do you go?
- In Plymouth.
- What do you study?
- Health fitness well-being.
- You study health?
- Yeah.
- That's sick.
- Is it?
- Yeah, that's sick.
- Oh I love that.
- I like that, yeah, I love
health.
- Did you say health's sick?
- Do you like coconut oil?
- Love it.
- We're on the same wavelength.
- Yeah.
- It just flows, your name's
perfect.
- Go with the Flo.
- Me and Flo, you know, we're
flowing,
we're getting on, we're
grooving, we're waving.
Waving means like we're moving,
do you know what I mean, we're
waving.
So to me like, yeah,
it's going really well.
- Can I see your bicep now?
Is that your wanking arm?
- No, it's actually my right.
- You remember when I asked you
at the mixer if you had some
abs?
- Yeah, I knew you were gonna
ask me this.
- Well can I touch them?
- Yeah of course you can.
- Now?
- Yeah, get involved.
- Tense them.
Danny, I can't feel them.
- You can't feel them?
Come, come here.
- Oh shit, you were tensing more
there,
you were showing off.
First he apologises and then
he lets us feel his abs.
This date is getting better and
better.
He might get his cock out next!
- The thing is as well I
genuinely
don't know nothing about you,
like I think I've seen one
scene.
- What was that one?
- Oh I don't.
- It wasn't a bad one, was it?
- Yeah.
- Oh no!
- It was and I've only seen one
as well
and that was the one and I was
like, wow!
- Was it sex?
- Pissing in the sink.
- That's not bad, pissing in the
sink?
- Yeah.
- I thought it was gonna
be worse than that.
- I don't know what else is bad
so.
- Well I'm glad that's all
you've seen.
- Yeah, that's all I've seen.
- There's a lot worse than that.
- What you looking for, drinks?
You want another round?
- No, because I was told by the
agency
that maybe I'm too dependent
on alcohol on a date.
- Are we on a date with the
agency or on a date me and you?
- Someone just text me.
- You've got about seven phones
right now,
I'm like oh my god!
- There's three, there's three.
- Are you gonna eat that lemon?
- Probably not.
- Okay, that's fine.
- You love lemon?
- Yeah, I really do.
- Yes, it's cool that you love
lemon.
- Oh my god, that
was full lemon slice and rind.
- Right, right look.
- This is savage.
Wait!
- My god, you alright?
- I swear that lemon.
- What the hell was that?
Do you want me to pat your back?
Oh, are you alright?
- I'm okay.
- You alright, yeah?
- I'm just a bit gassy.
I'm fine now.
Really good.
- You alright now, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Good, do you need help?
- Yeah.
- Because I'm here to help.
Mate, that was pretty grim.
Hey, you must have been
gassed up right then.
- Yeah, I know.
- Wow, that come out like fire.
- Yeah I think, I think it's the
lemon.
- That was fire, that was like.
That was naughty.
- I've got acid in my stomach.
- That was proper naughty.
- Mm-hm.
- Yeah but like you've like--
I'm so sorry.
- It's weird though innit
because it's like one point
you really fancy a girl
like you're on her so much.
I'm like, oh my god, this
is the girl of my dreams.
I can't believe that I've found
her, sick.
And the next thing it's like,
oh!
- I think I'm gonna be sick.
- Do you want me to
take you to the toilets?
Why don't you, shall we get
first aid?
- Tomorrow night,
who will make the grade?
And who will get the chop?
- I actually got
circumcised three weeks ago.
- As our Celebs.
- She burped quite a lot.
- Go.
- Obviously I'm not gonna
tell him I need a poo, am I?
- Dating!
- Are you going to fuck
a robot today, Tyger?
these famous dating disasters
are looking for love.
Joey Essex!
- I really want to meet a
salt and that's why I'm here.
- Stephanie Pratt!
I don't want guys to think
that if they date me,
I'm gonna bring them on
TV and they'll be famous.
- Paisley Billings.
- I've never been in love
so I need the agents to find me
someone
who I can be myself
with and learn to love.
- Tyger Drew-Honey.
- My parents worked in the porn
industry.
What difference does that make?
- And Charlotte Crosby.
- I want unicorns, I want
butterflies,
I want fairytale love.
- They've signed up
to E4's Celebrity Dating
Agency to find The One.
- Scared in case you see my
vagina!
- But in their
search for a soulmate,
these celebs aren't dating
famous people.
- It just don't seem to work.
- They're dating you!
- Oh my fucking god!
- Stop panicking!
- Do you have a lot of sex?
- What the...
- They've got three weeks.
- Hi!
- To meet and greet.
- Hey guys.
- Wine and dine, kiss or diss.
- It was disgusting.
- As many dates as possible.
- It was just awful.
- Before they must choose.
- I actually got
circumcised three weeks ago.
- Their perfect Plus One.
Tonight, the agency opens up.
- I'm a single Joey,
that's why I'm here, guys.
- We dive into
their showbiz sex lives.
- What about that?
- That's a decent size.
- They go on the pull.
- So would you like to
go on a date with me?
- His body is unreal.
- Oh my god!
- And for the very first time.
- Charlotte is on it.
- Cheers!
- Our Celebs Go Dating.
Welcome to the Celebrity Dating
Agency.
This elite agency is about
to take complete control
of our stars' love lives.
And with the celebs about to
arrive,
receptionist Tom is
busy squirting flowers.
- I am
as they would say in France.
Just so excited because
we're at the very beginnings,
we're sowing the seeds
of great trees of love.
Morning, Nadia!
Look at the heels, they're
divine.
- With a track
record in elite matchmaking,
what's Nadia's best advice
for our single celebs?
- If you're single and
you don't want to be,
the problem is you.
- That's told you innit?
She's not messing about.
♪ Give me something to let go
- Her fellow agent, Eden,
has a slightly warmer approach.
- My goal is to find one
person and another person,
and bring them together for
love.
- Ah, what a guy!
- Morning!
- Morning!
- Celebrities have got it made,
they very rarely pay
for a dinner or a club
but actually the one
thing they really want
and that they're searching for
is something they can't buy
which is a genuine person to
love.
- Stop it,
Eden, you're turning me.
Today, Eden and Nadia will
meet the celeb singletons
for the first time.
They've got a database full
of potential civilian
partners who our celebs
will meet at a singles party
tonight.
Let's meet the first celeb,
as soon as Tom's finished
buffing his diamond.
- Resist them!
- In your own time, Tom.
- Ooh.
- First up is
MIC's Stephanie Pratt.
She's had a load of famous exes
including Chelsea stars Spencer
Matthews and Josh Shepherd.
- Hello, Celebrity Dating
Agency.
- Hi, it's Stephanie Pratt,
I've got an appointment.
- Oh come in!
- Thanks.
- Steph's desperate
for the dating agency
to find her a regular punter
to share her LA beach house,
Chelsea pad and millions of
dollars in the bank with.
- You're fabulous.
- Form an
orderly queue, gentlemen.
- It's really hard
because I just turned 30
and I feel like, you know,
this is the age when everyone's
marrying
and having kids but I'm
so far from having kids.
- It's fair to say she's got
a pretty shit taste in men.
- Literally three years ago,
I met this guy on my first night
ever
in London named Spencer
Matthews.
- Yes!
- And I was just like,
oh my god, I love him.
And then literally, he cheated
on me.
- Oh.
- Oh, I'm not one of those
people
that's friends with their exes.
When we broke up, like, they
died.
- Why do you think you
need an agency like us?
What can we do for you?
- No one ever approaches me.
- Steph!
- Oh come on!
- On my life.
- Look at you, you are a goddess
so where,
where is it going wrong?
- I tend to go for gay guys.
I don't know what the name for
me is
but it is weird like I
am attracted to gay guys.
- Not going to help is it?
At his Essex mansion, fellow
celeb singleton Joey Essex
is feeling unsure about
the matchmaking process.
- What do match-makers do?
Do they just sort of match
your make, don't they?
They like match you to the
person
that your dreams would come true
with.
- Yeah pretty much, Joey.
Back at the agency,
things aren't progressing.
- What's your
version of good-looking?
- Gay guys.
- She definitely
needs their help.
Let's meet our next
client looking for love.
♪ Yeah
- 26 year
old Joey's been engaged,
linked to Perry from Little
Mix and is even rumoured
to have shared an ex
with Leonardo di Caprio.
But our reality TV royalty
still can't find a missus.
- You look like you're
absolutely ripe for love.
- So it would be amazing
if she had brains,
it'd be sick if she had a sense
of humour
and bonus if she's fit.
It's not massively important,
the brains,
but it would help a lot
throughout life.
It would almost be like
having a portable calculator
with me or something like that.
I think a lot of people
think I'm really stupid.
- Okay.
- When really,
obviously don't tell no one
this, but I'm really clever.
Like people don't realise how
clever I am.
- Hello!
- Hi, it's Paisley.
- And how do you think fame has
affected your relationships?
- So if a girl gets with me,
they know all my ex-girlfriends.
They know who I've been out
'cause they can just type
in Joey Essex ex-girlfriends
and they all come up.
- And what type of girl are
you looking for at the moment?
- Right, let's get down
to business, right.
So she's blonde, beautiful,
I mean obviously blue eyes,
but I mean she can have brown.
I'm hoping to achieve a balanced
chilled-out relationship.
That'd be sick.
- Yeah mate, sick.
Next up, Tattoo Fixers'
receptionist Paisley.
- So I can't make this work.
Right, let me just try.
Oh crumbs!
- You can do it, Tom.
This wouldn't happen
on your watch, Paisley.
- I'd just shout.
Before I was in the public eye,
like anyone who came over to me,
I thought, okay, they might be
interested,
but now it's 100% because
they've got.
- Paisley, you'll know her,
Tattoo Fixers.
- I've just got like man
repellent or something,
like there's something on me
that just keeps people away.
Don't know why.
I don't really like do dates
so I'd say like going
down the chicken shop.
- Okay, that's not a date.
- Okay cool, well yeah, I've
never been on a date then.
- Who is your ideal guy?
- I don't know but they've
got to have a bit of bant.
I'll probably like insult them
and see if they can insult me
back, right.
If I was to see you, I'd be
like you alright, Four Eyes?
Do you know what I mean?
- And you're
struggling to find a date, yeah?
Hmm.
- This is the beginning.
I'm a complete amateur at
dating.
I'm like a newborn.
I'm like being birthed
into this dating scene.
- Good luck with being birthed.
Next on the scene is Tyger
Drew-Honey.
The only man to go from being a
child star
in a BBC One sitcom to
making a documentary
about having sex with a robot.
Each to their own.
- A lot of like child stars
are totally like cuckoo, they're
mental.
- Alright Nadia, go easy on him.
- How do you think that's
affected
the way people sort of interact
with you?
- I think I do prefer actually
if I do meet someone who
doesn't initially know who I am.
- Yeah.
- He's not the
only famous one in the family.
His parents are also stars,
porn stars apparently.
- My dad and mom have
been in the porn industry
for most part of their lives.
When I was three or four,
they would tell me that, you
know,
mommy and daddy film
people having special hugs
and people enjoy it.
- Speaking of special hugs.
- Do you have a lot of sex?
- I'm not sure, maybe once
every,
if I'm not with someone
maybe once every few weeks.
- You monster.
- Tell us about the dream girl.
- Someone who I can have
intelligent conversation with.
I like a little bit of
quirkiness.
I'd quite like a little bit
of a foreign look, I think.
- What if a girl got
really drunk on a date?
- That's a turn-off.
I don't really like those people
who have that massive party
culture of go out all the time,
off to Zante, off to
Maga, you know every year.
- You're gonna
absolutely love our next celeb.
Outrageous TV star and
party girl Charlotte Crosby
who lists the love of her life
as tequila.
- Oh!
- Thanks mate, oh?
- Hi Tyger.
- Hi, I really recognise you.
- Really, well I recognise you
too.
- You're the child who was on
that show.
- Yeah I was.
- Out, out...
- Numbered!
- Yes!
- Aye.
- Who am I?
- You're Charlotte Crosby.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- I'm hoping to get a
few interesting fun dates
with some really hot boys
and maybe an engagement.
That's too eager, isn't it?
- Eager?
Nah, think big.
- A bit scared in case you see
my vagina.
- Okay.
- 'Cause this is very short.
- Anyway, why are you here?
- I would like to find a nice
boy.
- Well that's, you're in the
right place.
That's what we deal with here.
- They need to be good
looking, taller than me.
- Right.
- They need
to keep us on my toes.
- Is that all?
What about good hair?
- I would like them to have some
pubes.
- I didn't mean that.
- I want to meet someone
who wants to lay in bed
at night and talk about
if aliens really exist
and then maybe one day
when we get old and retire,
work in a zoo.
The last relationship was just
shit.
And I don't wanna get upset
because all I do is cry
about it but it was just awful.
I really just want to
meet someone who loves us
for who I am and I can love
back,
and have a happy relationship
with.
- Well the interesting bit
will be the mixer party.
- What if I'm too nervous
to talk to someone?
I get very nervous and then I
start needing a nervous poo,
and then all I'll do is
fart the whole night.
It'll just be a disaster.
I'm hoping the agency can point
out
what I've been doing wrong
and maybe find someone
who'll love me for me.
- Well you've
come to the right place.
Nadia and Eden's clients are
all ordinary people looking
for an extraordinary celeb
boyfriend or girlfriend.
- That way?
- Ooh.
- It's time
for the singles mixer,
full of nice intelligent
good-looking, foreign-looking,
quirky sorts with bants
and possibly even pubes.
Shall we meet them?
- Hey, I'm Flo, I'm 21 and I am
a student.
- My name's Marlene.
- My name's Jack Ravel.
- I'm Ellis, I'm 21 years old.
- I like playing tennis.
- I am a bit of a clean
freak, I don't have OCD.
- Love travelling.
- Meeting new people,
seeing, you know, new places.
- Say hi mom!
Say hi!
- I am definitely,
definitely looking for love.
I can sail a boat.
- Leave me alone, mom.
- When I tell my friends about
this,
they'll probably think she's
crazy
but they won't be surprised to
be honest
because that's me, Marlene.
Marlene Crazy Marlene.
- Thanks, crazy Marlene.
All we need now are our famous
five
who are prepped and raring to
go.
- Hi, like what do you say after
hi?
Like hi!
- I'm feeling a little bit
nervous.
- Either everyone's really
really ugly
and I don't get on with them
and we don't have anything in
common
and they don't want to date me.
- Woo, you know what I mean?
- Or everyone's really good
looking
and we don't have anything in
common
and I don't get on with them
and they don't want to date me.
- Everyone stop panicking!
If they don't like us
for what I look like now,
then they don't deserve us.
- Dating agents, Nadia and Eden,
have just three weeks
to find our celebs love.
They've arranged a singles
blitzer packed
with regular people
trying to bag a celeb date
but, in a cruel twist, it's the
celebs
who will be doing the asking
out.
Time to reveal our famous faces.
Am I supposed to feel this
nervous?
- Hi!
Hello!
Hi!
Hiya, hi!
Hi, hello!
Hello.
- Not a strong
start, is it, Charlotte?
- Are you okay?
- Eden, I am freaking out.
I've been on five dates
in my whole entire life
so I haven't got that
much dating knowledge.
- Next through the
door, hello Tyger Drew-Honey!
- The celebrities are probably
used
to roped-off VIP areas but
they can't be intimidated
by walking into a room
full of ordinary people.
- Hi Danielle, I'm Tyger.
- Nice to meet you.
- You are?
- Marlene.
- Marlene.
I am so nervous right now.
- Don't be nervous.
- So Tyger.
- You have a documentary?
- Yeah I did the
documentary, my name's going.
I'm gonna get a soft drink, I
think.
- Hello!
- Doing her best
to sneak in like a ninja,
it's dating virgin Paisley.
- I'm like what have we walked
into?
- It's very nerve wracking,
mind.
- I know.
I don't like feeling
uncomfortable or nervous
so I'll either have a drink
or I'll just get myself
out of that situation.
I need to get a drink.
Yeah.
- There you go, there you
go, she's right on it.
- God, it's really hot.
Can I use this plate to fan
myself?
- The next celeb is on his way
and this bunch who won't
be fazed at all by him,
not one bit.
Right, Marlene?
- Oh my fucking god!
- How are you, how are you?
- How you doing, you alright?
- It's Joey
Essex, that's my dream guy.
- Hello, how are you?
- Oh my god.
Oh my god, he's my dream fucking
guy.
- I do think a lot of girls
chase me
'cause of the whole fame thing
like.
I get some girls throwing
their selves at me
but sometimes it's good,
sometimes it's bad.
Yeah yeah.
- Go and talk to him, go and
talk to him.
- Yeah, I need a drink, yeah.
- This is
your big moment, Marlene.
- What's your name?
- I'm Charlotte.
- I'm Joey Essex, how are you?
- Oh no!
- You want a shot, don't you?
I'm having a shot.
- Are you?
- Tequila, yeah.
- I'll have a shot, come on.
- Come on then.
- Whilst
Joey and Charlotte flirt
with each other, Paisley's
struggling
to flirt with anyone.
- You were saying that
you don't really go up
to guys and things like that.
- Yeah yeah yeah.
- This is what you're gonna do
now.
This is kind of like,
this is why we're here.
- I'm shitting myself.
- Let's just do this one first.
- Hello darling, you alright?
Joey Essex, nice to meet
you, what's your name?
- Marlene.
- Marlene, yeah?
- You're not going to forget
because it's like Bob Marley.
- Oh no, I'll remember
that definitely for sure.
Right, I'm doing this shot.
- Joey!
I'm just gonna leave you to it.
Have a nice time.
- Joey's Marlene's dream guy
and this is her big chance.
- What's up?
- Play it cool, Marlene.
- Are you here to look for a
girlfriend?
- Oh god!
- Like honestly?
The thing is, yeah, in three
years I've had two dates.
I've kissed one guy in three
years.
- What?
- It's quite embarrassing.
- I mean I don't know
whether to say that's frigid.
- No, it's not frigid.
- Or you're a good girl.
I want to go somewhere
round here, can't we?
Let's go round here.
- Come on, babe.
What did you say?
- Marlene,
that's not playing it cool.
- What turns me off?
Pestering.
This sounds so bad, man.
Marlene, yeah, keeps going to me
like,
she'll walk over, there'll
be a girl talking to me
and she will give me this one,
like this.
And then start talking to me
like that.
- En route
from Chelsea is Steph,
planning her pulling technique.
- When I go out, I
never like walk to guys.
I walk to the bar.
Which I think I'm gonna
do when I get there.
♪ Together
- With Marlene
keeping a watchful eye,
Joey might have found the petite
blonde
that he was after and he goes
straight for the romance.
- Apparently somebody fired on
it earlier.
- Yeah that was me.
- I mean I don't really
know how to be romantic.
I just sort of be me.
I mean Joey Essex, I just be
myself, you know what I mean,
just be Joey, that's it.
You're bare dirty, man.
How old are you?
- 21.
- Which celebrity would you like
to date?
- I really like just the
sound of the Essex voice
so like The Only Way Is Essex
type.
I don't, like I don't know what
it is,
it's their voice and I'm like,
oh yeah!
How old did you think I was?
- No, I don't know, about 22?
- Oh, that's okay.
- I won't usually be up.
You alright, darling?
Oh!
She's trying to steal me.
- Oh the girl in the red dress.
- Let's run over here, quickly.
Come over here, follow me,
follow me.
Right, let's go over here.
- Meanwhile
Paisley's still petrified
of talking to anyone with a
penis.
Time for an intervention.
- I've literally only come
this far into the room.
- Right, well come on, let's go.
- I've not been like inside.
- You need to go in a bit more.
- I want to say inside
but you know what I mean.
I'm here 'cause I wanna like
share my life with someone,
like go and do fun stuff with
someone
like why am I laughing on my
own?
There should be someone
there to laugh with me,
do you know what I mean?
- If you were gonna
rate yourself out of 10,
how would you rate yourself?
- Six and a half.
- Oh, get out of here!
You're way better.
- Yeah.
- Guys!
- Are you welling up?
- Oh!
- This is your opportunity.
You're gonna pick your date.
You're gonna pick.
- I get to pick?
- This is you, this is you.
- In her pursuit
of love, Charlotte's tactic
is to get deep and meaningful.
- What is your favourite colour?
- Oh for fuck's sake.
- One two three, green.
- Blue.
- Aw, we weren't the same.
- We're not a match.
- No.
- You smell amazing by the way.
- Thank you.
- Just had to put it out there.
- Thanks for that.
- What do you do for a job?
- I'm a personal trainer.
- Duh, why do you want to date a
celeb?
- Why would you not?
It's someone who's gonna
bring something else
to your table that you've
maybe not had before.
- You did awfully.
- Thank you.
- But I did quite like that.
It will stand out.
Dating someone who isn't
famous is always really hard,
like you don't know whether
their intentions are real,
you don't know whether they're
fame-hungry
and it's a bit upsetting having
to always think about that
in your head and never knowing
if they're with you for the
right reasons.
- Steph's driver better hurry up
before Charlotte scares all the
boys off.
- Do you know how far away we
are?
- About two minutes.
- This is bad.
- Back at the mixer,
Paisley's still alone and Tyger
isn't.
- I haven't had a date for about
a year.
- Why?
- I live in a village.
- Where do you live?
- Peterborough.
In three years I've been on two
dates.
- How come?
Surely you wouldn't have
like trouble finding dates
because obviously you look
lovely.
- That's what everyone says but
I haven't,
I've been on two dates in three
years.
- Is that 'cause the guys in
Peterborough
just aren't very interesting?
- Yeah.
- Do you know what, when Danny
came over
and introduced himself I was
thinking
why are you talking to me?
Just talk to Charlotte.
Like but obviously it was
a whole circle of people
and he was like, yeah, I'm
Danny,
and I was like, okay
yeah, go to Charlotte.
- Right, go this way, go this
way.
My Danny had better not be
flirting with you, Paisley!
- With Marlene fully occupied,
Joey's having a geography
lesson with student Flo.
- Where are you from?
- Like, well, it's Berkshire
but it's Reading but I say
Berkshire.
- What, I've never heard
of Berkshire in my life.
- But you've heard of Reading?
- Sort of, yeah I've heard of
Reading
but you said Berkshire.
Berkshire?
- The Royal County of Berkshire.
- Oh are you posh?
- Still taking.
- Yes, yes.
- And that's a long
conversation.
- Having escaped Marlene,
Tyger's now chatting up
jeweller seller, Somta.
- How tall are you?
- I'm five seven.
- Five seven, okay,
that's quite tall though.
- Take these off I'm
literally just down here.
- That's quite tall.
Would you say five
eleven most of the time?
- Yeah.
- Aw, great height chat.
- Yeah, you alright?
- So what do you do?
- Well I'm an actor.
- Oh.
- And you're a model?
And you're a model.
Somta, I'll speak to you
in five minutes, right?
- Yeah.
- How old are you?
- We spoke about this.
- Yeah, so why, why are you
here?
- We'll leave you to it, Tyger.
So let's recap on our
potential power couples.
Joey's still going with the Flo.
Charlotte's going for another
drink.
And Paisley's finally
plucked up the courage
to talk to someone with a penis.
What could possibly go wrong?
Apart from Stephanie Pratt
arriving.
Alright mate, stick the
mouse back in the house.
- I don't really know
what kind of guy I attract
because no one talks to me.
And also I'm so old fashioned,
I would never make the first
move.
- I've watched Breaking Bad.
- Hey guys.
- Oh yeah, Steph never gets
approached by men, really!
- I can be, I'll personal
train you for free.
- Just when I thought I
was getting somewhere.
I feel like that girl at the
school disco
who's got no one to dance with.
- Oh Pais!
The Celebrity Dating
Agency's mixer is hotting up
and our celebs are on the pull.
By the end of the night,
they'll ask someone out.
So far Tyger and Joey
have ditched Marlene.
Joey's after posh student Flo.
- Have you got your eyes on
anyone else
or have you just got your
eyes on me at the moment?
- No, what about you?
- And Tyger's trying his luck
with sales woman Somta.
Charlotte's still having a
session with trainer Danny
and Paisley's finally hit
her stride with dancer Cory.
- Do you have any tattoos
yourself?
- But Steph is
now completely surrounded.
Sorry, Steph, I get the feeling
none of this lot are gay.
- Everyone's like trying
to describe themselves,
you know, so fast so
literally I'm getting spat
on by these guys, literally
like droplets on my face.
- I walked past you five times
and there is literally cock
galore.
Do you like any of them?
- Like three of them.
- What!
- Ellis is really hot.
What about you?
- Jack with the bit of the beard
and the navy top and the blazer.
I'm gonna go and talk to him
now.
- Do you know what, I've
always wanted a coat like this.
- Now Steph's distracted,
Paisley makes her move.
- Right, remind me of what you
do please.
- Professional dancer.
- Are you, what styles, tell me.
- Hiphop, ballet, contemporary.
I'm a fusion artist so
I fuse styles together.
Do you dance?
- I was a dancer before anything
else.
- That's great.
- Cory's a dancer, he's
got a gorgeous smile
and a cute little hat.
I'm into him.
- Who doesn't love a hat!
With the night in full flow, the
celebs
are starting to narrow down
their options.
- I'm going for a
drink, have a chat round there?
- Yeah sure.
- Is that alright?
- Yeah.
- Come on, Joey.
- Wassup?
Do you want to go for a drink?
- Are we going for a drink?
- See you later.
You lick my salt, I'll lick your
salt.
- Basically I'm a bit sad
because my type was Joey Essex.
I tried to chat to him but
he wasn't really interested.
It's a little bit embarrassing.
- Moisturised hands, they are?
- Yeah I know, I moisturise
daily.
Bio oil.
- Do you, on your hands?
I think she likes me, I hope she
likes me
because I like her.
She's a nice girl, you know.
Do you want to go on a
date with me or what?
- Yeah alright, yeah.
Right yeah, okay.
- I'll be in touch, yeah?
- Okay.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
- Flo's so ping!
- When I take a step back, I'm
like okay,
no this is Joey Essex, he is a
celebrity,
he's asked me out on a date.
I'm quite nervous about it, if
I'm honest.
- Naked Butler
Jeavon is giving Jack
from Surrey some stiff
competition.
How will Charlotte choose
between them?
- What about a six pack?
- Never had an ab in my life.
- My perfect boy's got to have a
six pack.
Oh I can see one already.
- Fucking hell!
There's like six of them and
everything, fucking Christ.
- Face or body?
Be honest.
- Body, it's got to be body.
- A fucking dent!
- Jack, you have not got an ab.
- Sorry I haven't
but look at that dent.
- You should be ashamed of
yourself.
I'm a bit picky in everything I
want.
They need to tick all the right
boxes.
I'm 26 now.
- Talk to me more about picky.
- What about if you asked
them how many inches are you?
- But how, like, are we
talking like roughly?
- It can never be that
skinny, first of all.
What about that?
- That's about a good six.
- That's a decent size.
- So do you want to
keep this as an example?
- Yeah could we take that?
We'll keep that.
- His body is unreal.
- Jeavon's abs
might have bagged him a date.
Oh hang on!
- Hiya!
- Oh god he's got a six pack.
- Listen, what I want to say
to you is I'd love to get
to know you a little bit more.
Let me go on a date with you
and then maybe you can
see what's underneath
but I'm not just gonna be
flashing it here and now.
I'm a bit better than that
so let's go on a date.
- Right but I feel like you want
to get to know any girl a bit
more.
- Do you want to go on
a date with me or not?
- I don't know whether I can
answer that
in front of all these.
- Right, that's fine then.
Listen, I ain't gonna wait
round for this long, seriously.
- No way!
- Here I go.
Here I go.
- No yes yes, okay.
- You wanna go out?
- Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom.
Right you.
Tom, it's all getting
a little bit awkward.
He is literally forcing us on a
date.
- I'm definitely not
forcin' ya, dude, seriously.
- Dude!
Dude!
- No seriously, the fact that
she's not chose any other man
apart from me is the fact
that it's a wise decision.
- For someone
who's shagged a robot,
Tyger's really struggling
to chat up a human.
- Do you sing for a living at
all?
- No, not at all no.
- It's probably fair to
say that my flirting skills
could do with a bit of a polish.
Do you ever watch Grand Designs?
God, why did I do that?
- No idea, mate!
Right, Steph's narrowed it
down to yoga teacher, Ellis,
and northern lad, Joss.
Who will get the California
girl?
- You guys all kind of have
your own schedules, huh?
- Yeah, for me I do, I've
got a proper schedule.
- I'm not doing anything.
- But I'm flexible.
- Did you say I'm not doing
anything?
You are a catch.
- I'm free for the foreseeable
future.
- I want you.
- Out of the celebrities to
choose from,
I'd probably choose Steph Pratt.
She seems mostly my
type, blonde, blue eyes,
quite petite frame, into
her health kind of stuff.
- Would you like to go out?
- 100%, yeah I'd love to take
you out.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- Oh my god, I've never asked
out a guy.
Sorry, guys.
- Listen, I'm gonna leave you to
it.
- Okay.
I think Ellis is really
hot and he's goofy.
What's your last name?
- Partridge like in a pear tree.
- I mean how easy is this?
- Yeah, it's not Christmas.
- Got an example for everything.
- Christmas came early for me
anyway so.
- Okay, these lines are like--
- They're just falling out.
- They're really cute but.
He has a line for everything.
But he's actually making me
pretty excited about our date.
I think I made a good choice.
- So it's official.
Our female celebs are going
dating,
apart from Paisley who's still
struggling.
- I only like one person.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Get some bloody balls and
courage
and go and get the job done.
- In five, four.
- I've only got one guy that I
really like
and that I think likes me
so I'm gonna put all my eggs
in one basket but if Cory says
no,
I'm actually gonna cry.
I have a question to ask you.
- Yes?
- Oh my god!
Would you go on a date with me?
- Yeah of course, yeah, I
wouldn't mind.
- Would you actually?
- Yeah, why not?
I don't see why not.
- You're not just saying it
for the sake of saying it?
- No genuinely, I would love
to, I would love to court you.
- I'm gonna run away now
because this is so awkward.
This isn't my life.
I'm so happy right now.
- All the
girls have bagged a date.
Now Tyger's ready to pop the
question.
- Would you like to get married?
- Oh save that
for series two, mate.
- Like if you found the right
person.
- I didn't expect it to be this
difficult.
Right then so would you like
to go on a date with me?
No seriously.
- No yeah, sure.
With less pressure.
- I know, this has been quite
a weird day, I have to say.
Have you ever asked anyone
out, stone cold sober
in front of numerous TV cameras?
I wouldn't recommend it.
- I think Tyger's quite
good looking, yeah.
- And that's a full house.
It's the end of the night
and all our celebs have found a
date.
Wasn't hard was it?
- My stomach was in my bumhole.
- Oh lord, moving on.
The morning after the mixer
and today Charlotte and Joey
will be going
on their first dates.
- Is that coffee machine on?
- Oh yes, it is on.
It's prosecco, that's what does
it.
- But not before
a pep talk from the agents.
- Yo yo yo Thomas, Joey Essex,
J.E.
- Come in.
- Hello!
- Good to see you again.
- How are you feeling?
- Yeah yeah, I feel good.
It was awkward.
I mean you saw the girl,
right, that red dress girl.
- Marlene?
- She was just on me.
Every time I looked round,
like it would be awkward,
I'd put my head down like that
and I'd look up and they'd all
be going.
- But you must get that
everywhere.
- Yeah but not as bait,
not as bait as that.
- So Flo, is she your
usual type?
- She's not my like usual type.
But she's, it's good that she's
different
because this is what, you
know, what I wanna do this,
is wanna experience dating girls
who probably ain't my type.
- Let's talk about like
Charlotte
and all the other celebs that
were there.
- I mean Charlotte has always
wanted
to go on a date with me.
Being in a relationship
with a celebrity is just,
I mean, I would like to say now
that it would make it easier
but I just don't know if it
would.
We both like, like argue
but in like a funny way.
Probably won't work but who
knows, you know what I mean?
She could be the one.
- Speaking of which,
a hung-over Charlotte surfaces
for a pre-date debrief
before meeting Danny later.
- Hi Tom, it's Charlotte.
- Oh hello.
- There was one really awkward
moment.
- Okay.
- Danny, he went, dude!
He called us dude.
- So he talks to you
like crap, insults you.
- Yes.
- And out of all the men
in the mixer, you choose
him to go on a date with.
- Do you wanna go on
a date with me or not?
- I just think he's got a
chance of pulling it back round.
- Really?
I would say of all the guys at
the mixer,
the bar was probably
your boyfriend the most.
- I just felt nervous and the
only thing
that was gonna ease the nerves
was having a couple of drinks.
- How do you think
tonight's gonna go though?
Are you planning to get pissed
tonight?
- I don't think I physically
can, I just don't think I can.
- Then if you don't think
you need a drink tonight,
that's a good start.
It's a great start.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I think it's gonna be
fun.
- I hope so.
Do I stick with what the
agency said and just not drink?
Nah!
- As some of our single celebs
head to the agency.
- Hi, it's Paisley!
- Joey's trying to dress
to impress his date, Flo.
- I mean I could go really edgy,
yeah.
- Meanwhile
Charlotte's in a hotel room
getting ready for her date with
Danny,
but will he be coming back
to her room later tonight?
- I will not be inviting the
date back,
not after the first date.
Maybe after the second though.
At the moment I can't
even imagine kissing Danny
on this date because it
was so awkward at the mixer
but I know I need to keep an
open mind
and just see what
happens when I get there.
Rank, right, my forehead looks
so big.
I'm very unconfident
and I am very insecure.
- You're not
the only one, Charlotte.
Over in Essex, Joey's getting
ready to go with the Flo.
- You can't just go on dates
and just expect it's everything.
You've got to plan this stuff,
man.
This way.
I'm all about the threads
and threads is my thing
so I'm gonna look sick tonight
and I'm gonna look very thready
for Flo.
I mean I could go really edgy,
yeah?
Like I'm about to, about
to go on centre court.
- When was the last time
you watched Wimbledon, Joey,
1993?
- I ain't got no clothes.
- Talking
of wardrobe nightmares.
- How do I get the goddamn iron
out?
I mean I've never ironed upright
before.
I've never known anything so
stupid.
- Come on, Charlotte.
You're ironing on a wall.
Where you going?
- Wallop, you know what I mean?
I could just bust out.
That would be, that would be
silly.
I don't want to try too hard.
I want to turn up and just be
like, yo, what's happening?
Why wouldn't I?
- Because
you're going on a date,
not to play tennis.
- I can't change now, I haven't
got time.
My date's probably already at
Sugar Hut.
We ready?
Because I mean, I haven't got my
watch on,
can't tell the time anyway.
- Talking of time,
Charlotte's still taking care of
business.
- That was bad.
- Nervous poo
done, time to get going.
- Hi!
- Charlotte's
decided to meet her date, Danny,
in a burger bar.
Despite Nadia's advice to stay
sober,
Charlotte's settling her nerves
the only way she knows how.
- I am so nervous.
I get nervous for dates anyways
but me and Danny didn't exactly
hit it off at the mixer.
Why did I even agree to go on
this date?
I know I said I wouldn't have a
drink,
but I think I'm gonna need
one to settle my nerves.
- Easy tiger.
- Maybe he's not gonna come.
- Staying
close to his Essex roots,
Joey's meeting his date
Flo at his favourite local,
the Sugar Hut.
Being Essex royalty,
Joey's used his connections
to reserve an area especially
for his date, lucky girl!
But where is she?
He may not be able to tell the
time
but even our Joey knows when
he's being kept waiting.
- Can I have a, can I
have water for now please?
I think I might have been stood
up.
Where is she?
I mean the longer I wait, the
more nervous I'm gonna get.
- Hiya!
- Oh ho, it's Flo.
Sorry, you alright?
How are you?
- I'm good, how are you?
- Yeah I'm good, you?
- Yeah, I'm good.
- Yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Oh thank god she's here.
She looks naughty as well, she
looks nice,
and she's got them diamonds in
her eyes
which is exactly how I
remembered so perfect.
Have you been looking forward to
the date?
- Yeah a little bit, yeah.
- You look nice.
- Yeah, you too.
- Thank you.
- Like yellow.
- Like a tennis player innit?
I mean I just didn't, I
didn't know what to wear.
I just thought--
- No, I'm loving it.
- Obviously thanks for coming to
Essex.
Didn't know if you was coming or
not.
- Oh.
- I thought you was gonna swerve
me.
- Stand you up?
- Yeah, thought I was gonna get
stood up.
Have you dated before?
- Yeah.
- Have you?
- But like, like at Nandos.
- Back in London,
Charlotte is still waiting
for Danny and by the looks of
it, she's run out of booze.
- Thank the fucking lord.
- Praise the lord indeed!
Danny's here.
- Hi Danny!
- You alright?
- How are you?
- Good, you?
- I'm really nervous.
- Really, why?
- Are you not?
- You look stunning.
- Thank you.
- You look really nice.
- Danny's arrived and I'm
feeling really anxious
but he does look really nice.
Is he gonna start talking at us
again
'cause that'll be so awkward?
This dude needs to say what I
want to hear
or else I'm out of here.
I think I was a bit more nervous
because of the weird
time we had at the mixer.
- I just, I couldn't
work it out, you know.
I was--
- So what, what happened?
- Well you tell me,
you were the one giving
it the biggun like.
- You, me?
- I was really excited
to meet you, all right,
and then like my first meeting
with you,
answering your questions, you
were like shit shit answers,
shit answers.
I was like wow, okay,
this girl's like my mom.
- So what about when you
came over and called us dude?
Then you strolled over and
demanded
to know my answer then and now.
- I know.
Well I don't like hanging
around.
Like you must know if you like
someone and you see someone,
then, without asking three
of the most random questions
ever,
you'll know if you want to go
on a date with them or not.
- True, true, so do you
apologise now?
- Yeah, I really do
apologise with sugar on top,
is that alright?
- Oh my god, Danny's apologised
to us.
Maybe that penis on his
forehead's removable after all.
- I don't really date girls.
- Liar, liar!
- No, I've never done this.
Like one-on-one dates and that.
You go to university?
- Yeah.
- What university do you go?
- In Plymouth.
- What do you study?
- Health fitness well-being.
- You study health?
- Yeah.
- That's sick.
- Is it?
- Yeah, that's sick.
- Oh I love that.
- I like that, yeah, I love
health.
- Did you say health's sick?
- Do you like coconut oil?
- Love it.
- We're on the same wavelength.
- Yeah.
- It just flows, your name's
perfect.
- Go with the Flo.
- Me and Flo, you know, we're
flowing,
we're getting on, we're
grooving, we're waving.
Waving means like we're moving,
do you know what I mean, we're
waving.
So to me like, yeah,
it's going really well.
- Can I see your bicep now?
Is that your wanking arm?
- No, it's actually my right.
- You remember when I asked you
at the mixer if you had some
abs?
- Yeah, I knew you were gonna
ask me this.
- Well can I touch them?
- Yeah of course you can.
- Now?
- Yeah, get involved.
- Tense them.
Danny, I can't feel them.
- You can't feel them?
Come, come here.
- Oh shit, you were tensing more
there,
you were showing off.
First he apologises and then
he lets us feel his abs.
This date is getting better and
better.
He might get his cock out next!
- The thing is as well I
genuinely
don't know nothing about you,
like I think I've seen one
scene.
- What was that one?
- Oh I don't.
- It wasn't a bad one, was it?
- Yeah.
- Oh no!
- It was and I've only seen one
as well
and that was the one and I was
like, wow!
- Was it sex?
- Pissing in the sink.
- That's not bad, pissing in the
sink?
- Yeah.
- I thought it was gonna
be worse than that.
- I don't know what else is bad
so.
- Well I'm glad that's all
you've seen.
- Yeah, that's all I've seen.
- There's a lot worse than that.
- What you looking for, drinks?
You want another round?
- No, because I was told by the
agency
that maybe I'm too dependent
on alcohol on a date.
- Are we on a date with the
agency or on a date me and you?
- Someone just text me.
- You've got about seven phones
right now,
I'm like oh my god!
- There's three, there's three.
- Are you gonna eat that lemon?
- Probably not.
- Okay, that's fine.
- You love lemon?
- Yeah, I really do.
- Yes, it's cool that you love
lemon.
- Oh my god, that
was full lemon slice and rind.
- Right, right look.
- This is savage.
Wait!
- My god, you alright?
- I swear that lemon.
- What the hell was that?
Do you want me to pat your back?
Oh, are you alright?
- I'm okay.
- You alright, yeah?
- I'm just a bit gassy.
I'm fine now.
Really good.
- You alright now, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Good, do you need help?
- Yeah.
- Because I'm here to help.
Mate, that was pretty grim.
Hey, you must have been
gassed up right then.
- Yeah, I know.
- Wow, that come out like fire.
- Yeah I think, I think it's the
lemon.
- That was fire, that was like.
That was naughty.
- I've got acid in my stomach.
- That was proper naughty.
- Mm-hm.
- Yeah but like you've like--
I'm so sorry.
- It's weird though innit
because it's like one point
you really fancy a girl
like you're on her so much.
I'm like, oh my god, this
is the girl of my dreams.
I can't believe that I've found
her, sick.
And the next thing it's like,
oh!
- I think I'm gonna be sick.
- Do you want me to
take you to the toilets?
Why don't you, shall we get
first aid?
- Tomorrow night,
who will make the grade?
And who will get the chop?
- I actually got
circumcised three weeks ago.
- As our Celebs.
- She burped quite a lot.
- Go.
- Obviously I'm not gonna
tell him I need a poo, am I?
- Dating!
- Are you going to fuck
a robot today, Tyger?