iZombie (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - Chivalry is Dead - full transcript
Liv consumes the brain of a murdered live action role playing knight to solve his murder; Peyton uncovers a truth about Liv; Major embarks on a mission.
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[Liv] Previously on iZombie...
You're supposed to feed these people.
There's a brain shortage out there.
We've heard rumors that our own men
are skimming brains and selling
them on the black market.
There's one name I know.
Russ Roche.
My cut, hand it over.
I want you to buddy up to him.
Renegade's operation turns
more humans into zombies
than all other coyote outfits combined.
You can't save the Railroad.
I can take Mama's place.
I'm willing to do the scratching.
People are dying out there
beyond the wall,
but we have a chance to save them.
What the hell are you doing?
_
Did you hear Fillmore-Graves
shut down the 206 Weekly?
- Uh-uh.
- Yeah, the soldiers who went down there
shot up the place.
Scared the hell out of everyone.
I'm not surprised.
Major was the ranking officer.
I was at Fillmore-Graves last night.
Chase Graves turned to Major and
said, "Did you guys really do this?"
Major flat-out lied.
[sighs]
Fillmore-Graves is The Borg.
I don't know what that means.
Keep dating Ravi, you will.
Speaking of Major...
I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't...
tell him or Ravi about, you know...
Human smuggling?
[sighs]
So, listen, um...
I've been up all night thinking
about that question you asked me.
If I could help those dying people,
would I, and you're right, I would.
I understand why you're doing
what you're doing and I...
respect your decision.
Thank you.
Which is why I wanna be a part of it.
No. [Chuckles]
No, I am not letting you risk your life.
Hey.
Why is it good for you, but not for me?
- [cell phone chimes]
- Body. Gotta go.
That's yours.
Obviously, I can't scratch people,
but there must be some way
for me to be helpful.
Do you have giant stacks
of cash stashed somewhere?
Because that's one of
our biggest problems right now.
Lack of resources.
[lock clicks]
[door closes]
'Bout damn time you showed up.
I've been writing to the mayor's
office for over a year.
We don't normally grant favors to people
who work for notorious
criminal syndicates.
I played ball.
I gave you what you wanted. You owe me.
You didn't give us everything we wanted.
There is no money. That's a myth!
Well, shoot.
This was a waste of my time.
Okay, no, wait. Wait.
What if I told you
there was a pot of gold?
I'd say I already know that.
That's why I'm here.
There's a bus that's
transporting prisoners
to the state pen in Walla Walla.
State pen is worse.
Drop you off at Moses Lake Correctional.
White collar prison.
Plus, your family's
all outside the wall, right?
Just think of visiting day.
You dirty girl.
Where's the money, Casper?
[theme music playing]
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[indistinct police chatter]
Are you sure someone's in there?
The pool of blood suggests there is.
You didn't open it up yet?
I was waiting for you guys.
Someone's in there.
A jogger found the body this morning.
No witnesses, no ID, no clue
how the body got there.
Time-travel murder.
Perhaps the impaled knight stepped out
of the TARDIS seconds before his death.
What the hell's a TARDIS?
Something nerdy.
It's the space-time vessel
from Doctor Who.
Looks like a police box.
Bigger on the inside?
I was hoping for an answer
based more in reality.
Well, I'm sure you'll find one.
Once the zombie medical examiner
eats the victim's brain.
Anybody bring a can-opener?
Yeah, uh, not to be that guy,
uh, but it is a lunch "hour."
Look at this.
It's like he was wearing a car.
I identified our victim.
He was a medieval history
professor named Garrett Drexel.
According to his parents,
in his spare time,
he did something called "larpering."
The parents didn't know much about it,
but it sounded in your wheelhouse, so...
It's actually called LARPing and it
stands for "Live Action Role-Playing."
So it's like a sex thing?
What? No.
No, it's like D&D,
but the players physically act
out their character's actions,
sometimes participating
in elaborate mock-battles
- and epic story lines.
- [in English accent] Fear not!
I have slain the rodent foul
No more will his pestilent
droppings threaten
the purity of our tools and provisions
and our boxes of cardboard
will forevermore go un-gnawed.
I think she killed
the storage closet mouse.
'Twas a noble death. And quick.
What say you, My Lord?
Have you news of our quest?
I'm not your lord.
Thou art a most sovereign leader
tasked with protecting our kingdom.
Thoust may be free of royal blood,
but a purer heart I've not yet known.
And on my honor,
I will serve at thy side.
It is my most solemn vow.
- Can you get up, please?
- Yes, My Lord.
And stop calling me "My Lord."
Yes, my liege.
Your Grace.
So Garrett's parents gave me
the name of his LARPing group,
The Guardians of Bonestorm,
and the place they hang.
That seems like the best place to start.
If they are acting out battles,
that could be how Garrett
got himself skewered.
To Earth's end and back,
I will follow thee.
Okay, then, um... Let's go.
LARPing, huh?
The thing that bugs me about
D&D is you're just sitting.
If there was a more physical
version, with badass armor...
That could be cool.
[people laughing]
Fie, squire!
One must consume an onion
bloom from the inside-out.
Seriously, though, dude, you're just
picking off all the crispy stuff!
Definitely not cool. Not cool at all.
I suppose we gotta talk to 'em.
Fear not, My Lord, for both my
sword and my life are yours.
You don't have a sword. Or a
life, if we're being technical.
I am Olivia of Seattle.
Examiner of the exanimate.
Vision-haver for the guard.
Zombie of the festive vessel.
My Lord asks that you lend an ear
and I ask that you make haste
and gather round,
for his will is my most sacred destiny.
[sighs] Detective Babineaux,
Seattle PD, Homicide.
Normal talker.
Tell us about Garrett Drexel.
We learned he is a member of your group.
So, he's done it.
Sir Garrett has slain
the Great Wizard of Thrall.
- Cheers.
- [Clive] Uh, no.
Garrett was found dead this morning.
- [man] Can't believe he was...
- Verily?
Aye.
Alas. Alack. A shocker.
He was much beloved.
Someone stuck a sword through
him and left him for dead.
Wait, you don't think it was us?
You know these swords
are totally foam, right?
Yeah, plus we all worshiped Garrett.
When was the last time you saw him?
He left the group after
the wall went up.
Didn't seem like a good idea for
humans and zombies to fight together,
so Garrett and his friend Magnus
left with the other zombies
to start their own
zombie LARPing league.
- But Garrett wasn't a zombie.
- Of course he was.
He was human.
Mmm...
'Tis true, noble sir.
Undead, he was not.
[man] That doesn't make any sense.
How could that be?
♪ Sir Garrett is now underground ♪
♪ He should have run away...
- Shut it, Chuck!
- [music stops]
_
Your Grace, if Sir Garrett did doth
portray himself falsely a zombie
whilst in battle with zombies,
who, believing him kindred,
fought without care,
'tis on Garrett's own shoulder
the fault doth lay, does it not?
That's what I was thinking,
but in a less annoying way.
Mmm.
Sharing a meal as father
and son, I did miss this.
You missed decades of them.
I'm fairly certain this is
our seventh meal together.
This is a fine establishment, son.
You've done well.
I wanted to give zombies
a true fine-dining experience.
[zombies grunting]
Enough!
[gulps]
You're rushing through a sacrament.
I want each of you to take
one bite using a fork.
For God has given us
the tools we need, my friends.
One bite.
There. Now, hold it in your mouth...
And let the divine flavors
linger on your tongue
until your mouth fills with glory.
Savor it. Savor it.
Now swallow.
[all swallow]
[all] Mmm.
And repeat.
[indistinct chatter]
Swallowing on command.
That's a power that I should
never be entrusted with.
Trust is a must but turns to dust
when bellies begin to growl.
My church is in desperate
need of brains.
I was hoping you could spare
some more for the cause.
Can I sleep on it?
The Lord will provide.
I was trapped in a well, son.
And the Lord made it rain brains,
can you believe it?
Surely a remedy will come your way.
Scalpel, please.
[in English accent] Stormrose, Warblade
of the Fallen or Lightbringer?
Maybe I'll just take the bonesaw.
Oh.
The Spineripper.
A choice most excellent.
[cell phone vibrates]
Good morrow.
[Isobel] Hi, um, I'm supposed
to be coming to see you.
My name is Isobel.
Thoust timing is poor, child.
I shall call anon...
Please, I'm in this motel in Yakima, my
coyote left for coffee eight hours ago.
- I'm totally freaking out.
- [Liv] Indeed, uh... Yea, 'tis true.
Let us discuss whilst I procure
much-needed gauze for my warted toe.
Fear not, young friend.
Your good coyote shall be back. Perhaps
he think a malefactor doth tail him.
I guess you need
to talk in code or something,
but you're not helping.
I'm going crazy here.
Fear not, lass, for I
make thee promises three.
Your good coyote shall return.
You shall arrive safely in Seattle.
And with a scratch of my own
nail, your life I shall save.
This is my most solemn vow.
Is there someone else I can talk to?
[man over phone] Isobel.
[Isobel] Wait, he's back. Oh,
my God, thank you so much.
Bye.
Thus, true promises remain.
[Clive] Let me guess.
You slayed a beastly arachnid.
I say thee nay.
For she was taking a phone call
most whispery.
Perhaps about a certain
upcoming noble birthday?
[clicks tongue] Thoust foolest me not.
What news has thou?
A location for Magnus, I think.
Garrett received a text every
Friday with a time and address
and a, "Try and make it."
It was always signed "M."
Magnus!
The address is for a warehouse
on the edge of the city.
I'm guessing that's where
the zombie LARPers meet.
If you're free at midnight...
Not free, My Lord, but bound by honor
to stand between My Lord and danger.
Yeah, okay.
What's with the half-dollars?
I let her have that one.
It was either that or let her
stuff the chest cavity with hay.
[country music playing]
You like to party, don't you, boy?
[chuckles] Does Dolly Parton
sleep on her back?
- [chuckles]
- Oh. But, Russ.
I can't afford all of this.
You keep spottin' me, it ain't right.
Hey, you ever need a few more coins
in your pocket, you just tell me.
I'm so dadgone broke,
partner, I'd do anything.
[Don E.] Hey.
Stop requesting songs
about tractors and cold beers.
You're makin' everybody wish
they were more dead.
I'm just treating my partner
here to a night on the town.
Shoot, I'd have been
knocked into a cocked hat
if it weren't for
this buckaroo's loyalty.
Skittles. We're a pack of wolves,
ain't we? We stick together.
[both howling]
[announcer] Show your tatas to
The Butcher of Bourbon Street.
This man'll rip off your skull
and vomit hurricanes
- down your windpipe.
- Every man wants to be me.
Every woman wants to be with me.
- Whoo!
- [crowd cheering]
[announcer] And now, the moment
you've all been waiting for,
the founder of the Zombie Thunderdome,
six feet two inches of ferocity,
230 pounds of piss and vinegar,
the massive, the mighty,
Magnus the Necromaimer!
- [crowd cheering and clapping]
- [rock music playing]
Now this is an entrance.
Verily.
That's our guy.
[cheering continues]
Come on!
Yeah! Whoo!
_
Who wants blood?
Who wants grievous injury?
Reckon I oughta shake the
snake before it starts.
Don't fall in, partner.
Who wants to see me turn this
chump steak into ground beef?
How's he gonna be a butcher
when I slice his arms off?
Of course, who doesn't mind getting wet
- with the Butcher's blood?
- [inaudible]
[both grunting]
Ooh!
[grunting continues]
There is no honor in this?
No, probably not.
[both grunting]
Ooh!
[crowd] Oh!
[indistinct whispering]
Who are you?
Detective Babineaux, Seattle PD.
I'd like to talk to you
about Garrett Drexel.
Yeah, now's when I bask in the
glow of victory, so bugger off.
Well, that isn't really an option here.
Oh, it's not?
You looking to get
knocked on your ass, too?
If My Lord seeks an audience,
it would serve you well to make time.
Okay. Let's talk Garrett Drexel.
- [Clive] He's dead.
- How?
A sword right through his belly.
- But he was...
- Garrett was human.
They call me Liv, the medical examiner.
I examined the body myself,
no zombie was he.
Uh, sit.
Please.
Yeah, on the...
[throne creaking]
Why would, uh, Garrett
pretend to be a zombie?
It kind of makes sense
when I think about it.
Yeah, Garrett was super pumped
when he realized that zombies would
be fighting with real swords.
But you saw a business opportunity.
Sure did.
I knew right away that
people would pay money
to see zombies make each other bleed.
So I broke away from the zombie LARPers
and started Zombie Thunderdome.
Do you know where we could
find the zombie LARPing group?
Yeah, I have their schedule
in my phone somewhere.
His group is called The Shadow Exiles.
[cell phone vibrates]
_
Any day hence.
God, I wanna make you break character.
Oh, here it is.
Looks like they don't
fight again for another month.
But, uh, they should be at the
league rules meeting tomorrow.
Where?
[in English accent]
Ye Olde Microbrewery.
I'm the bouncer.
I'll wait in the car.
His maiden is a zombie
and alas, he is not.
'Tis a cruel world.
[sighs]
Is this how it's gonna be?
Everyone's asked me
why you're moping around today.
You didn't really expect me
to be happy today, did you?
No.
But we were up until
4:30 talking about this,
- and I felt like we were okay.
- We are.
See, I knew this was coming
down the pike, but...
It hurts.
But we're still us.
We're good. It's just medicinal.
Like it was for you.
Somehow, that doesn't help.
Cowboy brains are permanently 86ed,
which is weird, 'cause I'd think
cowboys are to hookers as...
- Astronauts are to Tang?
- Exactly!
I hear "cowboy," I think Deadwood.
But Blaine, there was no dead wood.
These cowpokes didn't want no pokes.
Here's where we went wrong.
Look at the fine print.
"Professional Born-Again
Riders of America."
"We tell the devil to buck off"?
What is this, six-point type?
Where do we stand on new muscle?
It's handled. I already hired Carl.
Crybaby Carl.
I would rather put a
volleyball on Dino's body.
It's a medical condition, Blaine,
the guy's got faulty tear ducts.
He's actually a sociopath in a good way.
So who do I have to bang
to get a hot toddy?
_
So, what brings you
to our fair, walled-in city?
Cobain museum?
The fish market? The coffee?
I've been keeping tabs
on my former money launderer,
Casper Cotter, while he's in prison.
He has a major stash of my
money hidden away somewhere,
and I've been eager
to find out where it is.
I've tried getting to him on the inside
but this schmuck hides in solitary.
I haven't been able to get to him.
And that's where you come in.
I do?
A little bird tells me
the state pen has agreed
to take 20 of Seattle's worst criminals.
They're bussing then down to Walla Walla
and for some reason, candy-ass
Casper is gonna be on that bus.
We're gonna break him out
and get my money back.
Out of a prison transport bus?
We'll go halfsies
on the cash, of course.
Not thirdsies?
So, after the three of us
take down this prison bus,
how about we go to the backyard
and dig a hole to China?
What's the problem, Blaine?
I can't commandeer a prison bus
full of convicts and armed guards.
I don't have that kind of manpower.
You call yourself a crime boss?
You should have an army of
nameless, faceless, yes men
who are too stupid to do
anything but listen to you.
- Blaine, what about...
- Wait.
We don't have an army full of
stupid, nameless, faceless yes men.
But we know someone who does.
[whispers] Brother Love.
That's right, Don E.,
Brother Love.
[Angus] The lord spoke to you
about a prison transport bus?
Not directly.
I was trying to solve
your brain shortage problem
and I reached a point
where I'd feared I'd fail you.
And in that desperate moment,
I humbled myself and I said, "God."
Not... Not out loud, more with my heart.
[stammers] There is no right
or wrong way.
Well, I said, "God, please,
show me a sign."
And in that moment,
hand to the man upstairs,
is when my phone rang and my
buddy tells me about the bus.
I felt the holy spirit move me.
I didn't even know whose
number I was dialing.
When Blaine answered, I said, "Of
course, it had to be Blaine."
There will be guards and guns.
I fear I'd be leading
my flock to slaughter.
We'll take 'em by surprise.
They won't even see us coming.
The authorities will come after us.
We're not strong enough yet.
No one will raise a finger.
You see, these are wicked men.
And giving their brains to needy zombies
will be the one good thing they
do with their miserable lives.
[Major] Yo, Russ!
Wanna win some more money off me?
I'm feeling unlucky.
No. I don't think so.
Everything okay?
Last night.
What were you telling that cop?
Cop? I didn't talk to a cop.
I saw it, bro.
The blonde zombie
that works with the police.
She's a medical examiner, I think.
Look, man. I just saw a pretty
girl and was chatting her up.
Any luck?
Nope.
Yeah. So, you free to meet up tonight?
- Sure.
- Still eager to make some extra money?
- You know it.
- Cool.
I'll text you the address.
We can meet there.
All right.
And what we're doing,
- it's not exactly legal.
- I ain't dumb, son.
[coughs]
Thank you.
Good morrow.
Uh, hi.
It was a bit of a rough trip but
this is Beth and that's Geo.
- [baby cooing]
- Guys, this is Renegade.
'Tis an honor, fair lady,
to return thine most noble soul
from the edge of the abyss.
Renegade, maybe let's
just cut to the scratch.
It was a long trip in the trunk.
Beth of Columbus,
I welcome you to the
brotherhood of zombies.
Live undead with a true heart,
and do naught but good.
[Beth exhales]
I feel new. Strong.
I don't know how to thank you.
- [baby cooing]
- We don't know how to thank you.
'Tis a gift we received equally, m'lady.
Geo of the Bay Area,
I welcome you into
the brotherhood of zombies.
Live undead with a true heart
and do naught but good.
[breathing shakily]
So, I'm gonna cry.
I... I didn't think that would happen.
I'm really grateful.
There was supposed to be a third.
Lady Isobel. I made a vow.
Yeah. Isobel hasn't arrived yet.
She should be here by now.
With which coyote doth she travel?
It's the new guy. Curtis.
[shotgun fires]
_
[tires screeching]
Ready to get your hands dirty?
Born ready.
Let's go pay some folks a visit.
_
I think we need to readjust the brain to
gelatin ratio. It's all spilling out.
No, you gotta fold the top over
before you staple it, idiot.
[warehouse door opens]
[man] No, man. These are our tubes.
We bought them.
We're just repackaging them.
[breathing rapidly] Please! No!
[Russ] Nice.
I should probably make an example
out of you, don't you think?
- No.
- No?
What do you think, Major? Waste him?
Call it.
Heads we waste him!
Tails.
[breathing shakily]
And there won't be a
next time, will there?
[weakly] No.
Put those axes to use, boys.
Liv, my love. Can I get your number?
Where are the zombie LARPers we seek?
There the heroes be.
Hoisting half-pints of low-carb lager.
My liege. Shall we?
You are Sir Clive Babineaux.
Zombie slayer. Survivor
of the pits of Max Rager.
Cracker of suspects
and daydream lover of the women
of Precinct Nine. Forget it not.
Yay. Verily.
Thanks, Liv. I'll pull my head out.
[Clive] You the Shadow Exiles?
Clive Babineaux, Seattle PD. Homicide.
I take it you know why I'm here.
It's about Garrett, isn't it?
Yes. Garrett.
The guy you left for dead
out in the park.
We thought he was a zombie.
Like us. And...
We understand it was a secret
that Garrett was human.
Just tell us exactly what happened.
We've been acting out Arthurian legends
for the last couple of months.
Garrett was the best fighter,
so, of course, he was Lancelot.
When that sword went through him,
Garrett bled like a stuck pig.
We were all standing there, dumbstruck.
It made no sense for a zombie
to bleed like that.
Before we could even figure out what
was happening, Garrett was dead.
It... It happened so fast. No one knew
what to do. We all just panicked.
No one knew if what
we were doing was legal.
It's true we all panicked.
But I was the one who
struck the fatal blow.
Then you must be Arthur.
In one life. In the other,
I'm known as Kevin Kreeger.
It was an accident, darling.
My husband loved Garrett. We all did.
Guinevere, I presume.
Yes, but also Kathy Kreeger.
You all need to come down
to the station in the morning.
I need to take a statement
from everyone who was there.
Killing Garrett was unintentional,
but leaving his body was a crime.
My wife wasn't even at the battle.
I'll still need you to come
down and give a statement.
I'm really tempted to not come back.
New Seattle blows.
I guess I would have to
end things with my fiancee.
[horn honks]
What the hell?
See why I hate this place?
[rifle cocks]
We will rise
and they will drown!
The meals on the bus go down,
down, down!
[upbeat music playing]
Fear not killers! Fear not rapists!
It is to a better place you go...
The digestive tract of a hungry zombie!
It will be over soon! Submit! Submit!
Brothers, sisters, feed!
Feed to your heart's content.
Those are some good minions.
[Angus] Rejoice, my friends. Rejoice.
- Feast to your heart's content.
- [indistinct shouting]
It's a medical condition, Blaine.
Still...
[Crybaby] It's glandular.
Nothing I can do about it.
Have him go kill someone.
Here, I'll do it.
Crybaby Carl!
Go kill somebody on that bus.
Crybaby, stop.
Oh, one of them's getting away.
[Angus] Mangia, mangia, mangia!
[Blaine] That your accountant guy?
- Not him.
- Cool beans.
[prisoner] No, get away! Aah!
They're eating that guy's
brains right out of his head.
They didn't even kill him first.
I'm pretty sure he's dead.
His legs are moving.
I think that's a nervous system thing.
Now he's definitely dead.
- Oop. No, wait.
- [man] Oh, God, no...
- [zombie chomping]
- Okay, now.
[Casper blubbering]
Please! Please, don't eat me!
Ah! I'll do anything.
Tell me the truth, Casper.
What's scarier, them or me?
Stacey, please.
Don't let them eat me. I'm begging you.
You had a lot to say to the
DA's office about my operation,
but when I want to know where
my money is, you're silent.
Okay, you can take it!
It's in locker 220.
It's at the ferry terminal.
It's on Colman!
Please! Just let me go!
Thanks,
but I'd rather get it straight
from the horse's brain.
This is Blaine.
He'll be eating you tonight.
Crybaby. Do what you do, man.
- [upbeat music playing]
- No
[Casper] No! Please.
[crying] Please. Don't eat me. No!
_
You can stop doing that.
I spoke to his family.
They don't want it, and with
the investigation over,
they said we could just trash it.
A sad end for such a valiant man.
You're lucky your maiden
fair never caught his eye.
Uh, hello? Undercover
with the zombie truthers.
Yes, but our Peyton's fantasy life
revolves entirely around
knights in shining armor.
Fortune has smiled on you.
Count thyself blest.
So, you have no idea where Isobel is?
Is there any chance the
coyote got her into
Seattle and you just don't know it yet?
I knoweth not. I await
news from Sir Levon.
[door opens]
Ah-ha!
How could you?
[gasps]
Whoa! What'd you see?
Guinevere cheating on King Arthur.
- With Lancelot, I presume.
- Verily.
I must away.
I know this sounds like some
kind of role-play come-on,
um, but I literally can't figure
out how to take this off.
Let me see what we can do.
You're human and you were
sleeping with Garrett/Lancelot.
That means King Arthur/your husband
knew Garrett was human, too.
It's not what you think.
Well, that's good, Guinevere,
because what I think
is that your husband, King Arthur,
murdered your lover, Lancelot.
You do know that when LARPing, you
are free to change the endings?
I love my husband.
And my husband loves me.
But after Kevin became a zombie...
A bedswerver ye became.
I thought that our love
was strong enough.
That sex wasn't everything.
But it became clear
how important it was.
What intimacy does for a couple.
How lack of it tears them apart.
My liege and lord has faced down similar
demons, and yet, not a murder one.
He and his zombie lover allow
others to share their bed.
[sharply] Liv.
Has that worked for you?
[sighs] It hasn't been
the easiest thing.
I wouldn't think so.
Look, Detective...
Even if my husband
wanted to kill Garrett,
it had to be a freak accident.
First of all,
Garrett is the greatest
swordsman in Seattle.
It's a fluke that Kevin
even touched him.
Also, Kevin fights
with Excalibur. A broadsword.
If you wanted to kill
someone wearing chainmail,
you wouldn't use a broadsword,
you'd use something super-pointy.
[Clive] Something like...
this?
That's not Excalibur.
Gallahad, the pure of heart!
Steve! Steve!
We're ready for you.
[clears throat]
Mr. Kreeger, here's what we know.
We know you were aware
that Garrett was human
because you caught him cheating
with your human wife.
You didn't fight with Excalibur,
a blade synonymous with King Arthur.
Instead, you chose to fight with a
sword that could pierce chainmail.
- And according to Gallahad...
- The pure of heart.
During the fight, you tricked Lancelot
into thinking that you had been injured.
When Lancelot let down
his guard to assist you,
you thrust a sword through his gut.
You fought without honor.
[scoffs] When he slept with my
wife, he ceded his honor card.
You had to trick him because he
was a better fighter than you.
A better fighter. A better lover.
Certainly better-looking,
younger... [scoffs]
And yet, here I am.
Still alive.
And I'll serve no prison time.
I admit nothing.
We were LARPers, playing a game.
And Garrett pretended to be a zombie
and that's how he got himself killed.
That's what a jury will believe, so
you can keep your pad, Detective.
[Clive scoffs]
[Mr. Boss] I can't believe
my former accountant
actually told us the real location.
He did seem eager to impress
in his final moments
and my vision was clear as day.
Locker 220 at the ferry station
on Colman.
Come to Daddy.
[sighs]
Disappointing.
I don't understand.
Well, I don't know what to tell you.
I saw Cotter put a black duffel bag
full of money in this locker.
Well, then where the hell is it?
Liv, you can't just bring
new people here.
You put everyone at risk.
- New people need to be vetted.
- New to you, good sir,
but to me a lifetime of loyalty.
I come bearing gifts.
[exhaling]
- Whoa!
- [Levon scoffs]
Consider Lady Peyton vetted.
Think of those who will
benefit from this.
All the people we weren't
able to bring in before.
[knock at door]
[sighs] It's all right.
Come on.
[Curtis] There were some hiccups.
What happened?
A couple of the guards
along the north wall
decided what we bribed
them isn't enough.
We had to find another route.
- She was a champ.
- I'm... I'm so glad we made it.
It was such a crazy drama getting here.
I couldn't handle the
Walley World situation.
"Zombie Park's closed. Walrus out
front should've told you." [chuckles]
Hey.
Let's do this. I'm tired of being sick.
'Tis with the proudest of hearts
that I shall fulfill the third
of my promises three.
Oh, great.
Quick question.
Do all zombies talk like you
or do you, like, actually
work at a Ren Faire?
Isobel of Idaho, I welcome you
to the brotherhood of zombies.
Live undead with a true heart
and do naught but good.
[breathes deeply]
Uh...
How long does it take to kick in?
It's usually pretty immediate.
Try the other arm.
Yeah, maybe it's like a vein thing.
[clears throat]
- Isobel of...
- [Peyton] Liv...
- Oh, Renegade.
- Sorry.
Go a little deeper this time.
[Levon] Maybe do her neck.
Have you eaten today?
I don't understand.
I'm going to die, aren't I?
---
[Liv] Previously on iZombie...
You're supposed to feed these people.
There's a brain shortage out there.
We've heard rumors that our own men
are skimming brains and selling
them on the black market.
There's one name I know.
Russ Roche.
My cut, hand it over.
I want you to buddy up to him.
Renegade's operation turns
more humans into zombies
than all other coyote outfits combined.
You can't save the Railroad.
I can take Mama's place.
I'm willing to do the scratching.
People are dying out there
beyond the wall,
but we have a chance to save them.
What the hell are you doing?
_
Did you hear Fillmore-Graves
shut down the 206 Weekly?
- Uh-uh.
- Yeah, the soldiers who went down there
shot up the place.
Scared the hell out of everyone.
I'm not surprised.
Major was the ranking officer.
I was at Fillmore-Graves last night.
Chase Graves turned to Major and
said, "Did you guys really do this?"
Major flat-out lied.
[sighs]
Fillmore-Graves is The Borg.
I don't know what that means.
Keep dating Ravi, you will.
Speaking of Major...
I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't...
tell him or Ravi about, you know...
Human smuggling?
[sighs]
So, listen, um...
I've been up all night thinking
about that question you asked me.
If I could help those dying people,
would I, and you're right, I would.
I understand why you're doing
what you're doing and I...
respect your decision.
Thank you.
Which is why I wanna be a part of it.
No. [Chuckles]
No, I am not letting you risk your life.
Hey.
Why is it good for you, but not for me?
- [cell phone chimes]
- Body. Gotta go.
That's yours.
Obviously, I can't scratch people,
but there must be some way
for me to be helpful.
Do you have giant stacks
of cash stashed somewhere?
Because that's one of
our biggest problems right now.
Lack of resources.
[lock clicks]
[door closes]
'Bout damn time you showed up.
I've been writing to the mayor's
office for over a year.
We don't normally grant favors to people
who work for notorious
criminal syndicates.
I played ball.
I gave you what you wanted. You owe me.
You didn't give us everything we wanted.
There is no money. That's a myth!
Well, shoot.
This was a waste of my time.
Okay, no, wait. Wait.
What if I told you
there was a pot of gold?
I'd say I already know that.
That's why I'm here.
There's a bus that's
transporting prisoners
to the state pen in Walla Walla.
State pen is worse.
Drop you off at Moses Lake Correctional.
White collar prison.
Plus, your family's
all outside the wall, right?
Just think of visiting day.
You dirty girl.
Where's the money, Casper?
[theme music playing]
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
[indistinct police chatter]
Are you sure someone's in there?
The pool of blood suggests there is.
You didn't open it up yet?
I was waiting for you guys.
Someone's in there.
A jogger found the body this morning.
No witnesses, no ID, no clue
how the body got there.
Time-travel murder.
Perhaps the impaled knight stepped out
of the TARDIS seconds before his death.
What the hell's a TARDIS?
Something nerdy.
It's the space-time vessel
from Doctor Who.
Looks like a police box.
Bigger on the inside?
I was hoping for an answer
based more in reality.
Well, I'm sure you'll find one.
Once the zombie medical examiner
eats the victim's brain.
Anybody bring a can-opener?
Yeah, uh, not to be that guy,
uh, but it is a lunch "hour."
Look at this.
It's like he was wearing a car.
I identified our victim.
He was a medieval history
professor named Garrett Drexel.
According to his parents,
in his spare time,
he did something called "larpering."
The parents didn't know much about it,
but it sounded in your wheelhouse, so...
It's actually called LARPing and it
stands for "Live Action Role-Playing."
So it's like a sex thing?
What? No.
No, it's like D&D,
but the players physically act
out their character's actions,
sometimes participating
in elaborate mock-battles
- and epic story lines.
- [in English accent] Fear not!
I have slain the rodent foul
No more will his pestilent
droppings threaten
the purity of our tools and provisions
and our boxes of cardboard
will forevermore go un-gnawed.
I think she killed
the storage closet mouse.
'Twas a noble death. And quick.
What say you, My Lord?
Have you news of our quest?
I'm not your lord.
Thou art a most sovereign leader
tasked with protecting our kingdom.
Thoust may be free of royal blood,
but a purer heart I've not yet known.
And on my honor,
I will serve at thy side.
It is my most solemn vow.
- Can you get up, please?
- Yes, My Lord.
And stop calling me "My Lord."
Yes, my liege.
Your Grace.
So Garrett's parents gave me
the name of his LARPing group,
The Guardians of Bonestorm,
and the place they hang.
That seems like the best place to start.
If they are acting out battles,
that could be how Garrett
got himself skewered.
To Earth's end and back,
I will follow thee.
Okay, then, um... Let's go.
LARPing, huh?
The thing that bugs me about
D&D is you're just sitting.
If there was a more physical
version, with badass armor...
That could be cool.
[people laughing]
Fie, squire!
One must consume an onion
bloom from the inside-out.
Seriously, though, dude, you're just
picking off all the crispy stuff!
Definitely not cool. Not cool at all.
I suppose we gotta talk to 'em.
Fear not, My Lord, for both my
sword and my life are yours.
You don't have a sword. Or a
life, if we're being technical.
I am Olivia of Seattle.
Examiner of the exanimate.
Vision-haver for the guard.
Zombie of the festive vessel.
My Lord asks that you lend an ear
and I ask that you make haste
and gather round,
for his will is my most sacred destiny.
[sighs] Detective Babineaux,
Seattle PD, Homicide.
Normal talker.
Tell us about Garrett Drexel.
We learned he is a member of your group.
So, he's done it.
Sir Garrett has slain
the Great Wizard of Thrall.
- Cheers.
- [Clive] Uh, no.
Garrett was found dead this morning.
- [man] Can't believe he was...
- Verily?
Aye.
Alas. Alack. A shocker.
He was much beloved.
Someone stuck a sword through
him and left him for dead.
Wait, you don't think it was us?
You know these swords
are totally foam, right?
Yeah, plus we all worshiped Garrett.
When was the last time you saw him?
He left the group after
the wall went up.
Didn't seem like a good idea for
humans and zombies to fight together,
so Garrett and his friend Magnus
left with the other zombies
to start their own
zombie LARPing league.
- But Garrett wasn't a zombie.
- Of course he was.
He was human.
Mmm...
'Tis true, noble sir.
Undead, he was not.
[man] That doesn't make any sense.
How could that be?
♪ Sir Garrett is now underground ♪
♪ He should have run away...
- Shut it, Chuck!
- [music stops]
_
Your Grace, if Sir Garrett did doth
portray himself falsely a zombie
whilst in battle with zombies,
who, believing him kindred,
fought without care,
'tis on Garrett's own shoulder
the fault doth lay, does it not?
That's what I was thinking,
but in a less annoying way.
Mmm.
Sharing a meal as father
and son, I did miss this.
You missed decades of them.
I'm fairly certain this is
our seventh meal together.
This is a fine establishment, son.
You've done well.
I wanted to give zombies
a true fine-dining experience.
[zombies grunting]
Enough!
[gulps]
You're rushing through a sacrament.
I want each of you to take
one bite using a fork.
For God has given us
the tools we need, my friends.
One bite.
There. Now, hold it in your mouth...
And let the divine flavors
linger on your tongue
until your mouth fills with glory.
Savor it. Savor it.
Now swallow.
[all swallow]
[all] Mmm.
And repeat.
[indistinct chatter]
Swallowing on command.
That's a power that I should
never be entrusted with.
Trust is a must but turns to dust
when bellies begin to growl.
My church is in desperate
need of brains.
I was hoping you could spare
some more for the cause.
Can I sleep on it?
The Lord will provide.
I was trapped in a well, son.
And the Lord made it rain brains,
can you believe it?
Surely a remedy will come your way.
Scalpel, please.
[in English accent] Stormrose, Warblade
of the Fallen or Lightbringer?
Maybe I'll just take the bonesaw.
Oh.
The Spineripper.
A choice most excellent.
[cell phone vibrates]
Good morrow.
[Isobel] Hi, um, I'm supposed
to be coming to see you.
My name is Isobel.
Thoust timing is poor, child.
I shall call anon...
Please, I'm in this motel in Yakima, my
coyote left for coffee eight hours ago.
- I'm totally freaking out.
- [Liv] Indeed, uh... Yea, 'tis true.
Let us discuss whilst I procure
much-needed gauze for my warted toe.
Fear not, young friend.
Your good coyote shall be back. Perhaps
he think a malefactor doth tail him.
I guess you need
to talk in code or something,
but you're not helping.
I'm going crazy here.
Fear not, lass, for I
make thee promises three.
Your good coyote shall return.
You shall arrive safely in Seattle.
And with a scratch of my own
nail, your life I shall save.
This is my most solemn vow.
Is there someone else I can talk to?
[man over phone] Isobel.
[Isobel] Wait, he's back. Oh,
my God, thank you so much.
Bye.
Thus, true promises remain.
[Clive] Let me guess.
You slayed a beastly arachnid.
I say thee nay.
For she was taking a phone call
most whispery.
Perhaps about a certain
upcoming noble birthday?
[clicks tongue] Thoust foolest me not.
What news has thou?
A location for Magnus, I think.
Garrett received a text every
Friday with a time and address
and a, "Try and make it."
It was always signed "M."
Magnus!
The address is for a warehouse
on the edge of the city.
I'm guessing that's where
the zombie LARPers meet.
If you're free at midnight...
Not free, My Lord, but bound by honor
to stand between My Lord and danger.
Yeah, okay.
What's with the half-dollars?
I let her have that one.
It was either that or let her
stuff the chest cavity with hay.
[country music playing]
You like to party, don't you, boy?
[chuckles] Does Dolly Parton
sleep on her back?
- [chuckles]
- Oh. But, Russ.
I can't afford all of this.
You keep spottin' me, it ain't right.
Hey, you ever need a few more coins
in your pocket, you just tell me.
I'm so dadgone broke,
partner, I'd do anything.
[Don E.] Hey.
Stop requesting songs
about tractors and cold beers.
You're makin' everybody wish
they were more dead.
I'm just treating my partner
here to a night on the town.
Shoot, I'd have been
knocked into a cocked hat
if it weren't for
this buckaroo's loyalty.
Skittles. We're a pack of wolves,
ain't we? We stick together.
[both howling]
[announcer] Show your tatas to
The Butcher of Bourbon Street.
This man'll rip off your skull
and vomit hurricanes
- down your windpipe.
- Every man wants to be me.
Every woman wants to be with me.
- Whoo!
- [crowd cheering]
[announcer] And now, the moment
you've all been waiting for,
the founder of the Zombie Thunderdome,
six feet two inches of ferocity,
230 pounds of piss and vinegar,
the massive, the mighty,
Magnus the Necromaimer!
- [crowd cheering and clapping]
- [rock music playing]
Now this is an entrance.
Verily.
That's our guy.
[cheering continues]
Come on!
Yeah! Whoo!
_
Who wants blood?
Who wants grievous injury?
Reckon I oughta shake the
snake before it starts.
Don't fall in, partner.
Who wants to see me turn this
chump steak into ground beef?
How's he gonna be a butcher
when I slice his arms off?
Of course, who doesn't mind getting wet
- with the Butcher's blood?
- [inaudible]
[both grunting]
Ooh!
[grunting continues]
There is no honor in this?
No, probably not.
[both grunting]
Ooh!
[crowd] Oh!
[indistinct whispering]
Who are you?
Detective Babineaux, Seattle PD.
I'd like to talk to you
about Garrett Drexel.
Yeah, now's when I bask in the
glow of victory, so bugger off.
Well, that isn't really an option here.
Oh, it's not?
You looking to get
knocked on your ass, too?
If My Lord seeks an audience,
it would serve you well to make time.
Okay. Let's talk Garrett Drexel.
- [Clive] He's dead.
- How?
A sword right through his belly.
- But he was...
- Garrett was human.
They call me Liv, the medical examiner.
I examined the body myself,
no zombie was he.
Uh, sit.
Please.
Yeah, on the...
[throne creaking]
Why would, uh, Garrett
pretend to be a zombie?
It kind of makes sense
when I think about it.
Yeah, Garrett was super pumped
when he realized that zombies would
be fighting with real swords.
But you saw a business opportunity.
Sure did.
I knew right away that
people would pay money
to see zombies make each other bleed.
So I broke away from the zombie LARPers
and started Zombie Thunderdome.
Do you know where we could
find the zombie LARPing group?
Yeah, I have their schedule
in my phone somewhere.
His group is called The Shadow Exiles.
[cell phone vibrates]
_
Any day hence.
God, I wanna make you break character.
Oh, here it is.
Looks like they don't
fight again for another month.
But, uh, they should be at the
league rules meeting tomorrow.
Where?
[in English accent]
Ye Olde Microbrewery.
I'm the bouncer.
I'll wait in the car.
His maiden is a zombie
and alas, he is not.
'Tis a cruel world.
[sighs]
Is this how it's gonna be?
Everyone's asked me
why you're moping around today.
You didn't really expect me
to be happy today, did you?
No.
But we were up until
4:30 talking about this,
- and I felt like we were okay.
- We are.
See, I knew this was coming
down the pike, but...
It hurts.
But we're still us.
We're good. It's just medicinal.
Like it was for you.
Somehow, that doesn't help.
Cowboy brains are permanently 86ed,
which is weird, 'cause I'd think
cowboys are to hookers as...
- Astronauts are to Tang?
- Exactly!
I hear "cowboy," I think Deadwood.
But Blaine, there was no dead wood.
These cowpokes didn't want no pokes.
Here's where we went wrong.
Look at the fine print.
"Professional Born-Again
Riders of America."
"We tell the devil to buck off"?
What is this, six-point type?
Where do we stand on new muscle?
It's handled. I already hired Carl.
Crybaby Carl.
I would rather put a
volleyball on Dino's body.
It's a medical condition, Blaine,
the guy's got faulty tear ducts.
He's actually a sociopath in a good way.
So who do I have to bang
to get a hot toddy?
_
So, what brings you
to our fair, walled-in city?
Cobain museum?
The fish market? The coffee?
I've been keeping tabs
on my former money launderer,
Casper Cotter, while he's in prison.
He has a major stash of my
money hidden away somewhere,
and I've been eager
to find out where it is.
I've tried getting to him on the inside
but this schmuck hides in solitary.
I haven't been able to get to him.
And that's where you come in.
I do?
A little bird tells me
the state pen has agreed
to take 20 of Seattle's worst criminals.
They're bussing then down to Walla Walla
and for some reason, candy-ass
Casper is gonna be on that bus.
We're gonna break him out
and get my money back.
Out of a prison transport bus?
We'll go halfsies
on the cash, of course.
Not thirdsies?
So, after the three of us
take down this prison bus,
how about we go to the backyard
and dig a hole to China?
What's the problem, Blaine?
I can't commandeer a prison bus
full of convicts and armed guards.
I don't have that kind of manpower.
You call yourself a crime boss?
You should have an army of
nameless, faceless, yes men
who are too stupid to do
anything but listen to you.
- Blaine, what about...
- Wait.
We don't have an army full of
stupid, nameless, faceless yes men.
But we know someone who does.
[whispers] Brother Love.
That's right, Don E.,
Brother Love.
[Angus] The lord spoke to you
about a prison transport bus?
Not directly.
I was trying to solve
your brain shortage problem
and I reached a point
where I'd feared I'd fail you.
And in that desperate moment,
I humbled myself and I said, "God."
Not... Not out loud, more with my heart.
[stammers] There is no right
or wrong way.
Well, I said, "God, please,
show me a sign."
And in that moment,
hand to the man upstairs,
is when my phone rang and my
buddy tells me about the bus.
I felt the holy spirit move me.
I didn't even know whose
number I was dialing.
When Blaine answered, I said, "Of
course, it had to be Blaine."
There will be guards and guns.
I fear I'd be leading
my flock to slaughter.
We'll take 'em by surprise.
They won't even see us coming.
The authorities will come after us.
We're not strong enough yet.
No one will raise a finger.
You see, these are wicked men.
And giving their brains to needy zombies
will be the one good thing they
do with their miserable lives.
[Major] Yo, Russ!
Wanna win some more money off me?
I'm feeling unlucky.
No. I don't think so.
Everything okay?
Last night.
What were you telling that cop?
Cop? I didn't talk to a cop.
I saw it, bro.
The blonde zombie
that works with the police.
She's a medical examiner, I think.
Look, man. I just saw a pretty
girl and was chatting her up.
Any luck?
Nope.
Yeah. So, you free to meet up tonight?
- Sure.
- Still eager to make some extra money?
- You know it.
- Cool.
I'll text you the address.
We can meet there.
All right.
And what we're doing,
- it's not exactly legal.
- I ain't dumb, son.
[coughs]
Thank you.
Good morrow.
Uh, hi.
It was a bit of a rough trip but
this is Beth and that's Geo.
- [baby cooing]
- Guys, this is Renegade.
'Tis an honor, fair lady,
to return thine most noble soul
from the edge of the abyss.
Renegade, maybe let's
just cut to the scratch.
It was a long trip in the trunk.
Beth of Columbus,
I welcome you to the
brotherhood of zombies.
Live undead with a true heart,
and do naught but good.
[Beth exhales]
I feel new. Strong.
I don't know how to thank you.
- [baby cooing]
- We don't know how to thank you.
'Tis a gift we received equally, m'lady.
Geo of the Bay Area,
I welcome you into
the brotherhood of zombies.
Live undead with a true heart
and do naught but good.
[breathing shakily]
So, I'm gonna cry.
I... I didn't think that would happen.
I'm really grateful.
There was supposed to be a third.
Lady Isobel. I made a vow.
Yeah. Isobel hasn't arrived yet.
She should be here by now.
With which coyote doth she travel?
It's the new guy. Curtis.
[shotgun fires]
_
[tires screeching]
Ready to get your hands dirty?
Born ready.
Let's go pay some folks a visit.
_
I think we need to readjust the brain to
gelatin ratio. It's all spilling out.
No, you gotta fold the top over
before you staple it, idiot.
[warehouse door opens]
[man] No, man. These are our tubes.
We bought them.
We're just repackaging them.
[breathing rapidly] Please! No!
[Russ] Nice.
I should probably make an example
out of you, don't you think?
- No.
- No?
What do you think, Major? Waste him?
Call it.
Heads we waste him!
Tails.
[breathing shakily]
And there won't be a
next time, will there?
[weakly] No.
Put those axes to use, boys.
Liv, my love. Can I get your number?
Where are the zombie LARPers we seek?
There the heroes be.
Hoisting half-pints of low-carb lager.
My liege. Shall we?
You are Sir Clive Babineaux.
Zombie slayer. Survivor
of the pits of Max Rager.
Cracker of suspects
and daydream lover of the women
of Precinct Nine. Forget it not.
Yay. Verily.
Thanks, Liv. I'll pull my head out.
[Clive] You the Shadow Exiles?
Clive Babineaux, Seattle PD. Homicide.
I take it you know why I'm here.
It's about Garrett, isn't it?
Yes. Garrett.
The guy you left for dead
out in the park.
We thought he was a zombie.
Like us. And...
We understand it was a secret
that Garrett was human.
Just tell us exactly what happened.
We've been acting out Arthurian legends
for the last couple of months.
Garrett was the best fighter,
so, of course, he was Lancelot.
When that sword went through him,
Garrett bled like a stuck pig.
We were all standing there, dumbstruck.
It made no sense for a zombie
to bleed like that.
Before we could even figure out what
was happening, Garrett was dead.
It... It happened so fast. No one knew
what to do. We all just panicked.
No one knew if what
we were doing was legal.
It's true we all panicked.
But I was the one who
struck the fatal blow.
Then you must be Arthur.
In one life. In the other,
I'm known as Kevin Kreeger.
It was an accident, darling.
My husband loved Garrett. We all did.
Guinevere, I presume.
Yes, but also Kathy Kreeger.
You all need to come down
to the station in the morning.
I need to take a statement
from everyone who was there.
Killing Garrett was unintentional,
but leaving his body was a crime.
My wife wasn't even at the battle.
I'll still need you to come
down and give a statement.
I'm really tempted to not come back.
New Seattle blows.
I guess I would have to
end things with my fiancee.
[horn honks]
What the hell?
See why I hate this place?
[rifle cocks]
We will rise
and they will drown!
The meals on the bus go down,
down, down!
[upbeat music playing]
Fear not killers! Fear not rapists!
It is to a better place you go...
The digestive tract of a hungry zombie!
It will be over soon! Submit! Submit!
Brothers, sisters, feed!
Feed to your heart's content.
Those are some good minions.
[Angus] Rejoice, my friends. Rejoice.
- Feast to your heart's content.
- [indistinct shouting]
It's a medical condition, Blaine.
Still...
[Crybaby] It's glandular.
Nothing I can do about it.
Have him go kill someone.
Here, I'll do it.
Crybaby Carl!
Go kill somebody on that bus.
Crybaby, stop.
Oh, one of them's getting away.
[Angus] Mangia, mangia, mangia!
[Blaine] That your accountant guy?
- Not him.
- Cool beans.
[prisoner] No, get away! Aah!
They're eating that guy's
brains right out of his head.
They didn't even kill him first.
I'm pretty sure he's dead.
His legs are moving.
I think that's a nervous system thing.
Now he's definitely dead.
- Oop. No, wait.
- [man] Oh, God, no...
- [zombie chomping]
- Okay, now.
[Casper blubbering]
Please! Please, don't eat me!
Ah! I'll do anything.
Tell me the truth, Casper.
What's scarier, them or me?
Stacey, please.
Don't let them eat me. I'm begging you.
You had a lot to say to the
DA's office about my operation,
but when I want to know where
my money is, you're silent.
Okay, you can take it!
It's in locker 220.
It's at the ferry terminal.
It's on Colman!
Please! Just let me go!
Thanks,
but I'd rather get it straight
from the horse's brain.
This is Blaine.
He'll be eating you tonight.
Crybaby. Do what you do, man.
- [upbeat music playing]
- No
[Casper] No! Please.
[crying] Please. Don't eat me. No!
_
You can stop doing that.
I spoke to his family.
They don't want it, and with
the investigation over,
they said we could just trash it.
A sad end for such a valiant man.
You're lucky your maiden
fair never caught his eye.
Uh, hello? Undercover
with the zombie truthers.
Yes, but our Peyton's fantasy life
revolves entirely around
knights in shining armor.
Fortune has smiled on you.
Count thyself blest.
So, you have no idea where Isobel is?
Is there any chance the
coyote got her into
Seattle and you just don't know it yet?
I knoweth not. I await
news from Sir Levon.
[door opens]
Ah-ha!
How could you?
[gasps]
Whoa! What'd you see?
Guinevere cheating on King Arthur.
- With Lancelot, I presume.
- Verily.
I must away.
I know this sounds like some
kind of role-play come-on,
um, but I literally can't figure
out how to take this off.
Let me see what we can do.
You're human and you were
sleeping with Garrett/Lancelot.
That means King Arthur/your husband
knew Garrett was human, too.
It's not what you think.
Well, that's good, Guinevere,
because what I think
is that your husband, King Arthur,
murdered your lover, Lancelot.
You do know that when LARPing, you
are free to change the endings?
I love my husband.
And my husband loves me.
But after Kevin became a zombie...
A bedswerver ye became.
I thought that our love
was strong enough.
That sex wasn't everything.
But it became clear
how important it was.
What intimacy does for a couple.
How lack of it tears them apart.
My liege and lord has faced down similar
demons, and yet, not a murder one.
He and his zombie lover allow
others to share their bed.
[sharply] Liv.
Has that worked for you?
[sighs] It hasn't been
the easiest thing.
I wouldn't think so.
Look, Detective...
Even if my husband
wanted to kill Garrett,
it had to be a freak accident.
First of all,
Garrett is the greatest
swordsman in Seattle.
It's a fluke that Kevin
even touched him.
Also, Kevin fights
with Excalibur. A broadsword.
If you wanted to kill
someone wearing chainmail,
you wouldn't use a broadsword,
you'd use something super-pointy.
[Clive] Something like...
this?
That's not Excalibur.
Gallahad, the pure of heart!
Steve! Steve!
We're ready for you.
[clears throat]
Mr. Kreeger, here's what we know.
We know you were aware
that Garrett was human
because you caught him cheating
with your human wife.
You didn't fight with Excalibur,
a blade synonymous with King Arthur.
Instead, you chose to fight with a
sword that could pierce chainmail.
- And according to Gallahad...
- The pure of heart.
During the fight, you tricked Lancelot
into thinking that you had been injured.
When Lancelot let down
his guard to assist you,
you thrust a sword through his gut.
You fought without honor.
[scoffs] When he slept with my
wife, he ceded his honor card.
You had to trick him because he
was a better fighter than you.
A better fighter. A better lover.
Certainly better-looking,
younger... [scoffs]
And yet, here I am.
Still alive.
And I'll serve no prison time.
I admit nothing.
We were LARPers, playing a game.
And Garrett pretended to be a zombie
and that's how he got himself killed.
That's what a jury will believe, so
you can keep your pad, Detective.
[Clive scoffs]
[Mr. Boss] I can't believe
my former accountant
actually told us the real location.
He did seem eager to impress
in his final moments
and my vision was clear as day.
Locker 220 at the ferry station
on Colman.
Come to Daddy.
[sighs]
Disappointing.
I don't understand.
Well, I don't know what to tell you.
I saw Cotter put a black duffel bag
full of money in this locker.
Well, then where the hell is it?
Liv, you can't just bring
new people here.
You put everyone at risk.
- New people need to be vetted.
- New to you, good sir,
but to me a lifetime of loyalty.
I come bearing gifts.
[exhaling]
- Whoa!
- [Levon scoffs]
Consider Lady Peyton vetted.
Think of those who will
benefit from this.
All the people we weren't
able to bring in before.
[knock at door]
[sighs] It's all right.
Come on.
[Curtis] There were some hiccups.
What happened?
A couple of the guards
along the north wall
decided what we bribed
them isn't enough.
We had to find another route.
- She was a champ.
- I'm... I'm so glad we made it.
It was such a crazy drama getting here.
I couldn't handle the
Walley World situation.
"Zombie Park's closed. Walrus out
front should've told you." [chuckles]
Hey.
Let's do this. I'm tired of being sick.
'Tis with the proudest of hearts
that I shall fulfill the third
of my promises three.
Oh, great.
Quick question.
Do all zombies talk like you
or do you, like, actually
work at a Ren Faire?
Isobel of Idaho, I welcome you
to the brotherhood of zombies.
Live undead with a true heart
and do naught but good.
[breathes deeply]
Uh...
How long does it take to kick in?
It's usually pretty immediate.
Try the other arm.
Yeah, maybe it's like a vein thing.
[clears throat]
- Isobel of...
- [Peyton] Liv...
- Oh, Renegade.
- Sorry.
Go a little deeper this time.
[Levon] Maybe do her neck.
Have you eaten today?
I don't understand.
I'm going to die, aren't I?