iZombie (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - Blue Bloody - full transcript

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So I told my chauffeur
you get paid to drive,

something any idiot 16-year-old
with a license can do.

Still, he's easy on the eyes...

Lucky for him or I'd have fired his ass.

Actually, I'd keep his ass
and fire the rest of him.

- You could bounce nickels off that ass!
- Oh, you're terrible!

[Laughs]

Fore!

[Sandy] Now they move.

The most exercise they've
gotten all day, trust me.



Whoopsie-daisy!

They do keep the course beautiful...

These neanderthals? [Scoffs]

They look like they should be
panhandling for an extra chromosome.

Oh, darling, I wasn't talking about you.
You look fine.

I'm sure you'll grow into that face.
Maybe not those ears.

[Gasps] Is that Judge Harris
feeling up the snack cart girl?

Oh, it sure as hell is.

Maybe he thinks
he lost his gavel in there.

[Both Laugh]

[Gasps]

[Theme Song Playing]

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Don't bother with "cause of
death." I think I've got it.

But why are we here?
This is a range ball.

The driving range is right over there.

I declare this to be an accident!

- God, you're good.
- Yeah, but...

Tell them what you told me.

After the ball hit Mrs.
Brinks, I turned,

and I saw someone
running away. Over there.

It looks like someone might've
been lying here in the weeds.

This figure you saw
running towards the trees.

Were they holding anything? A gun?

[Scoffs] A golf ball gun?

No. But I think I did hear a splash.

What a mess.

The balls and clubs I get,

but who the hell brings a
suit of armor to play golf?

Though it would've saved Mrs.
Brinks' life.

True.

- Live and learn.
- [Officer] Found something!

Holy...

Yeah. Who's laughing now?

- [Flips Switch]
- [Air Pressure Fizzes]

What are we, 100 yards to the pin?

[Officer Cries Out]

- You should've used less club.
- No more than an eight iron.

Ladies and gentlemen, this golf ball gun
means we are now investigating a...

[Both] Murder!

Yeah, no duh.

What? You don't own the word.

- You hungry?
- Not really.

Kinda thirsty, though.

- Are you hungry?
- [Crowd] Yeah!

Of course you're hungry.

I know how you feel,
because I'm hungry, too!

Before, in the well
that was hell, I suffered.

But God provided for me. And, now

I will provide for you.

It's our world now,

and we will hunger for His love no more!

- [Crowd] Feed us, Father!
- God loves zombies!

[All Inhale Sharply]

[All Exhale]

Behold!

The voice of God speaking
to you through me...

[Murmuring Indistinctly]

For I am His divine vessel!

[Woman] Yes! Yes!

- [Angus] Brothers and sisters...
- Yes!

It is time to feed.

Let's take what is ours!

Let's take what is ours!

[Dealer] Brains, best tubes in town.

Beautiful brains here! Feed the hunger.

Keep the beast at bay! Ah...

Brains, best tubes in town.

$40 makes the pain go away.

Hey, hey. My cut, hand it over.

[Chuckles]

- You're 200 bucks light.
- Ah, I don't know what happened.

- [Grunts]
- You're fired.

[Distant Shouting]

[Shouting Grows Louder]

[Yells]

No Godless thieves will profit from
that which He has given to us!

Strip them of their ill-gotten brains!

Strip them of their blood money!

Bring the sinful heathens to me!

Bring them to me!

I know you're frightened.

I'd be frightened, too.

I have money! Let's go to an ATM.

The Lord doesn't need your
filthy, filthy lucre, thief.

The Lord is calling
for a new world order!

[Cheering]

A world ruled by the righteous undead!

- [Yells]
- [Mob Continue Cheering]

_

[Clive Sighs]

You sure you don't want
to talk about it?

No, we're good. We'll grab dinner later?

- Clive...
- It's fine, Dale. Really.

Okay.

But you're not fooling me.

- [Car Door Opens]
- [Woman Sighs]

What are you doing back there?

Waiting on you to stop staring at me

like the dumbest goat
on the mountain. Drive!

You need to get in the front.

I'm almost tempted to.

It smells like "felon" back here.

It does not smell like
"felon." This is...

[Buttons Clicking]

- What are you looking for?
- The button for the privacy divider

You're a nice man, but you'd be so
much nicer if I couldn't hear you.

All right, that's it. Get in the front.

We're not going anywhere
like this, Miss Daisy.

[Sprays]

Really?

What? Go already!

We have a ridiculous crime to solve!

Yeah, that just clips on right...

There you go! See? You got it.

Wow, I managed to get dressed.
Watch out, human terrorists!

Major, when do we get rifles?

Week two, long as
you make us proud this week.

Look, I know you're a little nervous

and that's natural
before your first patrol.

Who's nervous? I'm tired.

You got me rooming with a bitch
that smells like a zoo animal.

I can't get any sleep!

Unless I'm talking to this guy.
The boy is dull.

Try talking to him. You'll see.

You can run your mouth all you want,

as long as you don't run
when we're on the streets.

You got something you wanna say to me?

Yeah, I just said it.

You heard me say it, right?
That thing about "don't run"?

Guys, no one's running.

Remember, you're stronger than
the humans, you have guns.

What's the only thing that can hurt you?

Duh. Head shot, General.

Then maybe you should secure that, rook.

Let's move out.

[Whistles]

I guess this is what
they call "the good life"

With these knees, they better have
an elevator in "the good life"

or you're going to be carrying
me up the stairs like a Sherpa.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Hey! All the clothing goes
in the second moving van

Hello, I'm Detective Babineaux,
homicide, and this is Liv Moore.

You might remember her as the
star of Murder, She Wrote.

Where have you been hiding all my life?

You're like a white Ricardo Montalban.

- Are you in charge here?
- Uh, no.

I am, or, rather, was, Mrs.
Brinks' chauffeur. Carlton Clerg.

Mr. Clerg, it looks like word of Mrs.
Brinks' passing has gotten out.

Well, I was there at the club
waiting for her to finish her round

when she died. So...

I'm sorry... Did you say homicide?

Wasn't Mrs. Brinks
struck by a golf ball?

She was shot. By a golf ball gun.

A golf ball gun?

Did Mrs. Brinks have
any enemies you know of?

None that I can think of.
Mrs. Brinks was well-loved.

You club-foots be careful
with that piano, comprende?

You drop it, I'll bury you in it!

No one?

Her son.

You think her son
might've wanted her dead?

They've been feuding for 30 years.

Business dealings, I think.

- Where could I find her son?
- Oh, he lives in Miami.

It would be tough for her son in Miami

to kill Mrs. Brinks in the
walled city of New Seattle.

Oh, yeah...

Why would anyone kill
such a nice old lady?

Every day at sunset,
she used to walk the gardens

and tell me how much she loved them.

I bet she didn't love these gladiolas.

They are crap. Crapiolas!

Oh, Mrs. Brinks wasn't afraid
to tell you what she thought,

but she had such a generous spirit.

A big laugh, and such a way with words.

Raggle fraggle riggin
frakety frack. Ugh!

- [Microwave Beeping]
- What are you doing?

Oh, just trying to warm up my rum toddy.

- You got into their rum?
- Yeah!

And I'm trying to warm it up
in the microheater

but I can never figure these gizmos out.

[Child Coughing]

I'm sorry, one second. Coming!

How you feeling, honey?

You got to try to eat something, okay?

So you can get strong like Superman.

- I'm not hungry.
- Try.

This is my son, Alex.
He's home sick today.

Sorry to hear that, pal.

Get your shoes off the couch, kid.
Were you raised in a barn?

Yeah, you should probably
take your shoes off.

Liv, take a look at this painting.

[Whistles] Wow! Look at those rocks!

She wore that necklace
on special occasions.

Really? I thought it sank to the
bottom of the sea with the Titanic.

You made a joke.

I would've shot her in the
skull for jewels like that.

- You sure it's still around?
- [Grace] You know what?

We haven't found them yet. But
I know where they might be...

So, it seems that Mrs. Brinks was the
only one who knew the combination,

so it's up to you to get it open.

The digital lock on this safe has over
a trillion possible combinations.

The heat death of the
universe would happen

before we checked them one at a time,

no matter how many GPUs you throw at it.

Now, this board, designed by moi,

uses a 1 million qu-bit quantum
chip that I got from...

Well, never mind where I got it from.

With this, we can test all the
combinations almost simultaneously...

- Don't care, just open it.
- Hmm.

They're lying. Every one of em.

That's what I thought, too!
They're filthy, damn liars!

Hey! Slow down, Jesse Owens!

What makes you think so?

Because you're the most repugnant,

repulsive person I have ever met.

That seems uncalled for. Your point?

They all lied.

They said Mrs. Brinks was loved.

"Nice. A generous spirit"

That has not been my experience.

Why do you think
they're "filthy damn liars"?

They're the help. That's what they do.

But I say you're barking up
the wrong tree, Clive.

Everybody knows you follow
the money, stupid.

Find the necklace, find the killer.

Liv, you're going to need to dig deep

and find a way to refrain from
calling me "dummy" or "stupid."

You're right. You know,

compared to the boy toy I've been
shagging, you're a regular Einstein.

It was seriously scary on that street.

Have I told you humans just
blast away on shotguns randomly

when they see our patrols?
They think it's hilarious.

So of course we're all jumpy, and I'm
thinking, "These kids're gonna blow it"

Totally green, first day on patrol,

but they hung tough!
Kept their cool, listened.

Great story.

Now get over here,
you dirty little soldier boy,

and let mama show you a trick I
like to call the "Loni Anderson."

Do I want to ask what brain
you're on right now?

Why don't you just work on
being the strong, silent type?

- Oh, ooh! Watch the hip.
- Yeah.

_

Ooh!

- [Liv] Good morning!
- Morning!

Liv, last night, the "Loni Anderson?"

That was a next-level maneuver.

[Ravi Clears Throat]

[Slurps Loudly]
Where you rushing off to?

I have things to do, darling.

And I'm not in the habit of
crashing at a swinging bachelor pad

- filled with sweaty, young men.
- Seems like a habit.

Something's burning.

- Ooh!
- Guys!

[Laughing, Cheering]

[Sandy] Hey! Stop screwing around
and get back to work! And no guns!

It just shoots golf balls, Mrs.
Brinks. It's for gophers!

What'd you see?

Were you losing your
virginity to Howard Hughes?

I believe I'll be saving that
information for my driver.

Liv, Clive isn't your driv...

But first I need to get
in nine holes at the club.

Does she have a country club membership?

I don't think she has clubs.

Ravi, got a sec?

Actually, little swamped right now.

It's a personal matter of a...

Sexual nature.

I'm sorry, what I meant was

I have all the time in the world!

- Okay, well, Dale and I...
- Hmm.

Everything is great between us.

- But?
- But, for obvious reasons,

we can't be...

intimate with each other,
and it's becoming a problem.

Have you tried mutual masturbation?

It's like taking separate cars
to the same firework show.

- We have.
- Hmm.

But you really can't replace sex

with... that and,

the urge is causing problems.

Well, hello! Boy, did I
walk in at the right time.

I had something to tell you, but
yours is way more interesting.

This is a private conversation.
Let's go.

More like a conversation
about touching privates.

Don't mind me.

Fine, I'll leave you boys alone.

I'm dying to know how you think
I can help in this situation.

Isn't there something that would

temper my sex drive?

I can prescribe an SSRI.

Technically, it's
anti-anxiety medication,

but decreased libido
is a common side effect.

Are you sure you wanna do this, Clive?

Let's give it a try.

You had something to tell me?

Wouldn't you rather stay in there with
Ravi and talk about your genitals?

It's a toss-up.

Hmm. I had a vision.

Then you get the nod.

I was staring out an upstairs
window at Sandy's mansion,

and I saw her three servants
taking target practice with a...

A golf ball gun!

A golf ball gun, yeah.

Our killer has to be one of those three.

Did you do the math yourself, genius?

[Angus] Brothers and sisters!

Brothers and sisters, come and be fed!

Join us, I say join us,

and never be hungry again!

Join us, I say join us! Come and be fed!

[Church Bell Ringing]
_

♪ Join us, join us ♪

♪ Join us ♪

♪ Join... ♪

Stop.

Well, aren't you the most
beautiful girl in the world.

Do you have brains for sale?

[Sighs] Brains for sale?

That's not how the good Lord works.

Psst!

We have brains

for free.

Tell all your friends. All are welcome.

All are welcome!

Join us!

Come join us!

[Chuckling]

_

Ugh! You're all only making that face

because you can't afford this.

That was Mrs. Brinks' lawyer.
You'll never... Wow!

That smell...

Anyway, you'll never believe
what's in her will.

Upon her death, Mrs. Brinks
left each of our suspects

- a million bucks!
- Huh?

- A billion dollars?
- No, a million.

Well, still, why would she do that?

I'm curious myself.

The lawyer says the beneficiaries
don't know about the money yet.

But if one of them found out?

I'm bringing them in.

Let's see who's the least surprised

about their $1,000,000 payout.

That person is likely our killer.

And who is this magical face-reader

who's gonna be able
to measure "level of surprise"?

I'm a detective, Liv.

You realize the killer
will pretend to be surprised?

[Sighs] It's what I do.

You all told us Mrs. Brinks was a saint.

But that's not exactly true, is it?

We had a long talk with Mrs.
Brinks' friend, Maxine Lippman.

She made us aware your duties
included more than driving her car.

Don't be coy, Clive. He gave her sex.

Sex for money. And you know
what that makes him?

A whore.

[Sighs]

The first time it just kind of happened.

I tried to cut it off, but
she said she'd tell my wife.

Is that why you killed her?

We know you all had access
to the golf ball gun.

And you were already at the
country club waiting for her...

I didn't do it.

[Clive] Your son, Alex, sweet kid,

but he didn't just have a
cold the other day, did he?

He has a heart defect.

Maxine Lippman told me the boy
needs an operation in Los Angeles.

You asked Mrs. Brinks
for a loan to hire a "coyote"

to sneak him out of the city.
She turned you down.

Is that why you killed her?

Without that operation, he'll die.

He's only six. Mrs. Brinks would rather
let him die than loan me 20 grand.

She said it would set a bad precedent.

Well, it would.

Is that why you killed her?

I am not a murderer.

Mrs. Brinks promised to write a
recommendation letter to her Alma mater

to get your daughter into college
back East. But she never sent it.

If she'd gotten in, she wouldn't
have been here in Seattle

and she wouldn't have been
turned into a zombie

Mrs. Brinks was a terrible person.
No one will miss her.

Is that why you killed her?

[Scoffs]

I didn't kill her.

[Plastic Crinkling]

All right, you're free to go.

By the way,

are you aware that in her will, Mrs.
Brinks left you $1,000,000?

What?

That can't be true.

- That's a lie, no. That's a trick.
- It's true.

I worked for that woman for 15 years

and I never heard a kind word from her.

Give us a moment, please.

[Whispering] So, Columbo, whodunnit?

I don't know.

But you saw all their faces,
and you're a detective.

Not one of them cracked,
even a little bit,

even when we gave them a
chance to turn on the killer.

I cracked it as we knew I would,

though it was no simple task.
I had to reconfigure the...

This is the stuff from the safe?

- Jewels. Bonds. Legal papers.
- Hmm!

The one from the painting.

So stealing this wasn't
the killer's motive.

There goes your big theory.
It's really not your day.

That was your theory. But
there is this... The will.

If anyone in the staff
managed to see this will,

he or she would've known there
was $1,000,000 coming to them...

Once Sandy Brinks was dead.

- What was the combination?
- 0-8-3-0-1-0.

[Mace] "Proudly serving
the undead." Screw you!

Hey! They're closed.

- They don't look closed.
- And you don't look stupid,

so be smart and keep walking.

You! Get out of here! Go!

Al-Shabaz. What kind of name is that?

Sounds like a "zombie" name.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Are you a zombie?

Or just a zombie lover?

Just get out of here.
The soldiers are here.

Actually, we prefer
to be called the Peacekeepers.

- How's it going, fellas?
- [Al-Shabaz] Very bad.

They're harassing my customers.
Look what they did!

Okay, yeah. We'll take
care of the clean-up.

How about you gentlemen
take your business elsewhere?

Uh, no, we're real happy
right here, thanks.

We love the, the, uh... What's
the word I'm looking for?

Ambiance.

Well, I don't know about ambiance,

but you're gonna need an ambulance
if you don't get moving

Aw, relax! These guys are smart.

They know they can either
leave on foot or in cuffs.

What? Are you gonna "miracle" those
cuffs on us? You and some girl?

Yeah, I mean sure, you guys got
guns but we got guns, too.

Theirs are bigger.

Shoot them! I'm sick of this!
Every day with them.

No one does anything.

Okay, no, we got this. Why don't
you go inside, cool down,

we'll get it all figured out.

You know what, let's bounce.

This place smells
like spoiled meat, anyway.

Hey! Touch me again
and we'll see how tough you are

with a bullet in your head.

- Or a bullet in yours!
- Hey!

- I'm going long!
- Hey!

Major!

[Roars]

[Roars]

She scratched me!
Look what that bitch did!

- What? Stop...
- Calm down! You're gonna be all right.

- You'll be all right.
- [Tucker] No, I won't, okay?

I'm not gonna be a zombie.
We made a pact, so do it!

No! Hey, don't do that, all right?
He doesn't mean it!

Do it!

Let him kill me, please!

Let him go! Let him kill me please!

Hey! Hey, stop that!

- I don't wanna be a zombie!
- Come back here!

No!

No...

_

0-8-3-0-1-0.

August 30th, 2010.
Your son's date of birth.

You programmed Mrs. Brinks' safe,

because she wasn't good
with that stuff, was she?

Who can blame her? All the
stupid gadgets these days,

beepin' and boppin' and boopin'.

I got this.

You saw her last will
and testament inside the safe.

You knew there was $1,000,000 coming
your way when Mrs. Brinks died.

More than enough to get your
little boy to LA for that surgery.

It could save his life.

Why don't you write it all down for us?

Let's get this behind you, okay?

[Clive] An address?

That's not what we were hoping for.

Take my son there, and I'll
confess to everything.

It's all arranged with Renegade,
but it has to happen tonight.

This address?

It's in a neighborhood
that's been locked down

because of anti-zombie
terrorist activity.

Only authorized personnel
are allowed in.

You're a policeman.

Which is why I can't do this.

[Sighs]

Going there is a crime, so is
sneaking people out of Seattle.

Please, my ex-husband is expecting him.

The boy needs to be with his father.

He will die if you don't help him.

Please!

Please.

Liv, you got a soft heart,
which is wonderful,

but I can't do this.
And neither should you.

What the hell are you talking about?

Of course I'm not going to do it.

What am I, Mother Teresa?

I am not responsible for
all the world's problems.

Take her to the clink!

[Sighs]

- [Smacks]
- Hey, Big Spender.

Wanna take a lady
for a fancy gourmet meal?

Mmm-mmm. I heard someone call hot dogs

"the filet mignon of the common man."

Hmm. Someone who's never had
a filet mignon, maybe.

I could've...

You didn't want...

So, look what I found in the bathroom.

Anti-anxiety meds?

You're not the anxious type, Clive.

Your composure is one of my turn-ons.

I don't know. Pressures at work, hmm?

So I read up on the side effects.

How about we just shut down
detective mode, hmm?

"Decreased libido" was the
one that caught my eye.

Okay, look.

I love you.

Everything is great,
except the one thing.

I thought if I just took that
out of the equation, then...

You're not doing this, baby.
We'll figure something else out.

[Sighs]

But I'm fresh out of ideas.

You?

I know you heard some of what
Clive was telling me earlier

and even though it's clearly funny,

I mean, sexual performance stuff
is the lowest hanging fruit

You really shouldn’t tease him.

Now, that probably seems
impossible because

you're currently on the
bitchiest brain alive, but...

This woman's child is going to
die, and I'm letting it happen.

Oh. I take it the, uh,
brain has worn off.

I've been awful.

No, you have...

Well, yeah, you've been awful.

Really terrible. I mean, the worst.

But we'll make it right, I swear.

Hey, what do we have to do?

Thanks for bringing him.
We'll take it from here.

There's enough in there to
cover the fee for the coyote.

- We both chipped in.
- Thanks, that's amazing.

Hey, little man. Come here.

Everything's going to be just fine.

Thanks.

Hey, you okay back there?

Piece of cake, right? But we're
at the checkpoint, now, so, shh!

[Officer Clears Throat]

Hello, Officer.

I'm not an officer.

Soldier?

Um, I'm not sure what to call you.

We're just on our way
to pick up a corpse.

Who authorized this?

A murderer, I suppose.

Look, we get a call there's a dead
body, we show up and do our thing.

[Clears Throat]

- I'm going to get my supervisor.
- Oh...

[Soldier] Sir?

Oh. Hello, Major.

_

What's your business?

We were, uh, picking up a body?

I'm pretty sure I'd know if there
had been a murder in this sector.

This sector where
it's dangerous for zombies.

Particularly those who
refuse to tan and dye.

Look, do you want to know our business?

If you want to know
our business, I'll tell you.

- But ignorance, in this case, may...
- [Soldier] Major!

I saw something moving back there.
Should we check?

- They're clear. Let them through.
- But...

Let 'em through!

[Ravi] This is the address

and it actually does look very
"secret underground rail road-y."

[Door Chimes]

[Whispering] it's gotta be that one.

- Renegade?
- [Gun Cocking]

Who wants to know?

- Um, a friend.
- Three friends.

They're okay. I know who they are.

Come over here.

You know who we are?

Liv Moore and Ravi Chakrabarti
from the police morgue.

- Have we met?
- Oh, we have, but don't worry.

Being forgettable is an
advantage in my line of work.

You're Renegade.

Friends call me Mama Leone.

Oh, like the Billy Joel song?
Is that your real...

You know what? Doesn't matter.

I'm sorry. Renegade sounded...

[Growls]

Well, you're not who I expected either.

You can explain later.

But, you!

I have been looking forward
to meeting you.

We're going to get you
back to your daddy

in Los Angeles lickety-split, okay?

- This is for you.
- Ah...

Please understand, we're not
a for-profit organization.

We've gotta buy off a lot of greedy
people to sneak people in and out.

Alex, this is the man
that's gonna be taking you.

He is one of our best!

So you'll be fine, okay?

[Whispering Inaudibly]

Okay? All right.

Now, we can't have you two leaving the
building the same way you came in.

Oh, there's more than one...

Well, there's a secret panel
at the back of that dryer.

You just have to feel
around for the latch.

Oh. So exciting! It's like
being in a Bond film...

Oh, there she is!

Oh! Hang on...

Is there like a handle,
or do you push...

No, no, just, uh, keep looking.

Very funny.

That was fun.

See? I told you I could make the
tall man climb into the dryer.

We should get going.

I bet your dad can't wait to see you.

[Stan] Let's go, pal.

What a world, huh?

- [Knocking On Door]
- Hold on!

- Liv.
- Before you start in on me,

you should know that I am in no mood.

We were saving a sick child, okay?
Getting him out of Seattle.

So, human smuggling?

If anyone found out I let you do that,

I could spend years
in a deep freeze, or worse.

Yeah, well if Fillmore-Graves
hadn't caused

this whole zombie
epidemic to begin with,

then we wouldn't be living in a walled
city that required such things.

I may have just saved
your life by risking my own.

I know you're not feeling very chatty,
but how about a simple "thank you."

Thank you.

God, you're holier than thou.

You... You think
you're the only good zombie.

The only zombie trying
to make things right..

Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe it's just
that I remember a Major Lillywhite

who would've stood by a sick child.

This thing we've been doing,

sleeping with each other because
we can, because it's easy...

Yeah, we can't do it anymore.

Not when I know that my
life choices so offend you.

Agreed.

Goodbye, Major.

We shall ascend, my child.

Bless you, Father.

We shall ascend, my child.

Bless you, Father.

Are ye hungry, my children?

Feed us, Father!

[Cheering]