iZombie (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Zombie Bro - full transcript

Liv eats the brain of a murdered, hard-partying fraternity brother; Ravi asks Major to come with him as he searches desperately for the cure; Blaine meets with a mysterious person from his past.

LIV: Previously on iZombie...

This is all we have.
One dose of the cure.

MAJOR: You turned me
into a zombie.

- Rather than watch you die. - You let
me check myself into a mental hospital.

You let me think I was crazy.

- Whatever happens now, I hope
you can forgive me. - Liv?

I get it. You're not
talking to me.

I just need some time.

What do I need to
replicate the cure?

Ah, yes. The tainted Utopium from
the night of the boat massacre.

Hey. Dad!



MAJOR: I showed up to train a new
client today, and he was a zombie.

GILDA: We've solved
the zombie problem.

We've located the instrument
of their destruction.

DU CLARK: There are zombies
living among us.

You want me to kill them?

- Yes.
- You've got the wrong man for the job.

We do know of one zombie,
Liv Moore.

I've got you over a barrel,
big guy.

- Hey, roomie. How was work?
- You would not believe the guy we hired.

Ahh!

My father has been missing
for two days now.

He's six-feet tall with brown
hair and brown eyes. (SNIFFLING)

If you've seen him, or heard of anything
at all, please contact the Seattle Police.

Please help us find our dad.



We love him so much and we
just want him to come home.

REPORTER: Verna, Verna, over here.
I have a question.

-(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)
-(ALL SHOUTING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Friends, Romans, countrymen,

lend me your beers!

Four score and seven years ago, and
something, something... Hail Caesar!

Yo! What up, furry?

(GROANS)

(LAUGHING) Party foul!

(AUSTIN WHOOPING)

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

(EXHALES)

What happened to Caesar?

Oh, he came, he saw, he was stabbed
several times in quick succession

with a sharp
cylindrical object.

Likely an ice pick.
This is Chad Wolcoff.

He was the pledge captain
for Zeta Beta Theta.

Wait, don't move.

These look like the exact
vials from the boat party

that contained
the tainted Utopium.

Ravi, I'm pretty sure that all
Utopium comes in vials like that.

- Oh. - And FYI, if you find the
cure for zombie-ism on this floor,

I may opt
to keep eating brains.

Room packed with people, a guy
gets stabbed multiple times,

and no one saw anything.

- Seriously'? -l'm really
gonna need a hand with this,

so let me know when things
get extrasensory.

Well, I hope you like Jager
bombs and homoerotic subtext.

(BEEPING)

- Can you meet me upstairs?
files.

(BURPS)

And so it begins...

- You know what I fear more than death?
- Love?

Unrealized potential.

I am overflowing with potential,
and I'm tapping every last drop.

How about you, Speedy?
You realizing your potential?

I don't know if I'm
overflowing but, yeah.

- All that stuff you said.
- That self-doubt? That's Mr. Boss talking.

We always said we wanted more.
More responsibility, more money.

I wanted to be alive to really
get to enjoy those things.

(SIGHS)

He's not gonna take too kindly to
us moving in on his Utopium trade.

Hey, this is our time.

Our product is better than
that glorified ecstasy he sells.

Higher highs.

Lower lows.

Just saying.

We're going to undercut
Mr. Boss' prices.

Four dealers. Four of the hottest clubs.
Opposite ends of the city.

By the time Mr. Boss
knows what hit him,

customers are gonna be
knocking down our door.

And I've got a big-ass roll of Benjamins.
Boys answering to me.

Yes. Now...

Our sales staff, did you find
what we were looking for?

Upscale types, like you said.

Rich kids whose daddies cut them off.
Not the usual creepers.

I don't want to know anything. I'm just
the little man behind the curtain.

No one needs to know I exist.
This is your show, okay?

A year from now,
we'll be running this city.

Your lips to God's ears.

- Go. Go get 'em.
- Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Sounds like a risky plan.

Oh, and what?
You're the plan guy?

Now, any progress finding that
guy who cut the tainted Utopium?

- Got a couple leads.
- Allow me to light a fire under you.

Do you know why your brother
was institutionalized?

Because he was crazy. He heard voices.
He saw things.

And the loony SOB thought there were
zombies running around Seattle.

That's just silly.

Sometimes they just loiter.

Chief, did I say
you could lick the bowl?

It's, like, unthinkable that
someone murdered Chad.

No, like, seriously,
I can't even think it.

He was more than just a frat brother.
He was, like, a brother-brother, bro.

For real.

-(PUMPING) - Oh, hey, I
think we killed that.

- What are you doing?
- Coaxing the flow to the hose.

(INAUDIBLE)

Did Chad have any enemies
that you know of?

No way, man.
Chad was the freaking best.

- Everybody loved him.
- Well, not everybody.

I mean, someone
stabbed him to death.

No disrespect, bro.

No, no, bro. I feel you.

Valid point.

That person might be a complete
knob, but they're out there.

I don't know, like, who do you
guys know who totally sucks?

Actually,
that's not important.

Seems like a solid
jumping-off point, bro.

Guys, who you think sucks is
not helpful information.

Hey! Hey! Did Chad ever
fight with anyone?

Well, I mean, sometimes dudes
from other frats would get pissed

-because he crushed so hard at pong.
-(BOYS LAUGHING)

He was just a great guy. He
invented Stripper Car Wash Sunday.

Which sounds degrading, but all
the proceeds went to charity.

Dude, no, they didn't.

Bro, that's why he didn't have
to pay the strippers.

It all went to, like,
dyslexia research.

The best was Chunk.

Chunk! Ah!

Chad buttered this fat guy's
floor while he was asleep.

So dude gets up in the morning, all
naked, and he's slipping around like

-a freaking walrus on ice.
-(LAUGHING)

It's on YouTube.
You guys gotta see it.

- Oh, yeah. - See, that's just the
kind of guy Chad was, you know.

You pass out drunk, shave the eyebrows.
Maybe snap a ball-drag pic.

-(LAUGHING) - Sounds like he might
have made some people upset.

Maybe the victims
of these pranks?

I guess like a little. To everyone
else it was just super funny.

Look, Chad wasn't just
pranks and stuff.

Like, he was always there
for his brothers.

When you're doing your fourth
funnel, and you're not gonna puke,

but you might still give up,

he was the guy yelling, "Chug!Chug!
Chug! Chug!"

- Ready, bro?
- Let's do this, bro!

ALL: (CHANTING) Chug! Chug!
BRODY: One, two, three.

You ruined my life, man!
You ruined my life.

Chug.

I lost my champion, bro.

I lost my champion. (SNIFFLES)

Hey, you. How did Chad
ruin your life?

Damn!

It was pledge week.
Chad made me streak.

I didn't know I was streaking
by an elementary school

till I heard the kids
start laughing.

-(LAUGHING)
- Not only was I arrested,

I had to register
as a sex offender.

So why stay with
the fraternity?

Chad convinced me to. My career
prospects are limited now.

Chad assured rne that the Zeta Beta
Thetas take care of their own.

As long as I'm a brother,
I have a future.

Where were you at the time
of the murder?

I was in the back room, talking to
some girl in a sexy unicorn costume.

We heard screams
and ran inside.

I'll need the girl's name.

She was just a random chick.

Wait. I saw a photo on
the party's lnstagram feed.

CLIVE: Are these
all from the party?

RANDY: Yeah, look that is me
in the curtain.

CLIVE: How am I supposed
to know that's you?

A pterodactyl could be inside
there and no one would know.

But it's me.
Look, I have the costume.

All that tells me is you have the
costume that an unidentified person

-was wearing in this photo.
- But it's me.

Okay, Brody will tell you.

You know, these must've been taken
from the top of the staircase.

All right, there's Chad,
right?

Still there, still there, still
there, gone. Right? Let's go back.

See this furry blue thing?

You can see Chad as Furry Blue
is heading over,

but look at this one of Furry
Blue walking away. Chad's down.

- Furry Blue is probably who stabbed him.
- Okay...

He doesn't remember
what I was wearing, but...

Who wore
the Furry Blue costume?

Yeah, I don't know
who the blue guy is,

-but how huge are Megan Reilly's cans?
-(BOYS LAUGHING)

Oh, that's not Megan Reilly, bro.
Her cans are more teardrop.

Okay!

Thank you for your time.

- So, if I remember anything, should
I call you, or... - You can call me.

I'm the detective on the case.

You're like that box of
chocolates from Forrest Gump,

I never know
what I'm gonna get.

You're getting chocolate, bro.

I'll start calling
the local costume shops.

See if I can find the ones that
stock that blue furry costume.

Find out who rented it.

Chakrabarti! Where you at?

I have been doing
some thinking,

and I'm pretty sure what this
morgue needs is a foosball table.

(SNORING)

I know you can't fully control your
actions when you're on a brain,

but I really need you to try
and rein in the bro.

We would be in serious trouble if someone
came in and saw how you arranged

the medical skeletons.

And this,
this is unacceptable.

What if someone came in to
identify their loved one

and the medical examiner had
"fart" written on his forehead?

-(LAUGHING)
- It isn't funny.

- It's pretty funny.
- It really isn't.

- It kinda is.
- I can assure you it isn't funny.

It isn't funny.

You're lucky you're receiving a
suspension and not an expulsion.

CHAD: Okay. (LAUGHS)
But it's kind of funny.

No. No, it's not.
It's not funny.

- Were you contemplating your actions or
having a vision? - If you had to guess...

I take back every bad thing
I ever said about frat boys.

These brains are fun as hell.

I can't stop chillaxing.
Everything is hilarious.

Dude, the guy who killed Chad is
a total dick, and I demand...

-(BEEPS)
- Babineaux.

Wazzup? Just had a vis.

Yeah, it was, like, a
discipline hearing-type thing.

This kid looked like he wanted
to murder Chad, bro.

We've gotta find
this other student.

Pronto.

Brain fart. (CHUCKLES)
Whole new level.

So I finally found out
the blue bear is a character

from a Swedish kids' show
named Captain Wozzles.

He did look Nordic.

I called every costume shop here in
Seattle. So far, no one carries it.

I'll move on to shops
in the surrounding area.

But first, I spoke to the dean of Pacific
West University about your vision.

He wouldn't give me details
about the grievance filed

against Chad
without a warrant,

but said I was welcome to see if the
student was open to discussing it.

He's on his way in now. And you'll
never guess what his name is.

Chad Wolcoff.

Like the murder victim.

Can you tell us why you filed
a grievance against Chad?

Chad and I often got each
other's mail back at school.

I got invited to speak at a high school
about the dangers of drunk driving.

Chad got my invitation
by mistake.

He thought it would be a hoot to
get wasted and go in my place.

He basically gave a tutorial
on how to drink and drive

to 200 high school seniors before
school security dragged him off stage.

Oh, hey,
I get why that's awful,

but I think Chad was just trying
to be funny, you know. I...

Thirty people per day are killed
in drunk driving accidents.

Can you tell us where you were
last night, around 10 p.m.?

Uh...
I was in my room, studying.

Anyone who can verify that?

Doubtful. It's just...

Look, I took the appropriate
actions with Chad, okay?

I met with the dean.
I filed a complaint.

Chad was a buffoon, but I don't
think he deserved to die.

All right. I'll contact you with any
further questions. Don't leave town.

Tightly wound, but he didn't give
rne a premeditated murder vibe.

I'm guessing he lost someone close
to him in a drunk-driving accident.

Chad making light of that
could've made him snap.

A sideways glance could've
made him snap.

That dude has zero chill.

Your blood pressure is
a bit higher than it's been.

It might not be cure-related.

Still feeling okay?

Yeah.

So, I know you're a student
of men's lifestyle magazines.

Beard glitter. ls this a
trend I should know about?

It was an accident.

Involving a My Little Pony?

I had some makeup on before that was
surprisingly difficult to wash off.

Been there. So, you know I'm
referring to your beard

as Princess Sparkles
from now on though, right?

Why would you be
referring to my beard?

"You've got some crumbs
stuck in Princess Sparkles.“

Or, "Princess Sparkles could
use a trim." (CHUCKLES)

So, how's work going
on the cure?

I can't make any progress
without tainted Utopium.

I've run tests on regular
Utopium, but, to be honest,

I know very little about
how the drug works.

I mean, it's relatively new,
there aren't studies.

Have you, you know,
ever tried any?

You know hugs are
my drug of choice.

I've been mulling it over,

and I think it would be
beneficial for me to try some.

You know, so I can better
understand its effects.

Isn't that kind of like
smacking a bear

-to better understand being
mauled to death? - No.

It's like smacking a bear to better
understand physical exertion and adrenaline.

Field research is
incredibly helpful.

Experiencing how Utopium works in the
body could help my research immeasurably.

Would you come to
a club with me?

I could use someone to monitor
me while I'm on the drug.

You know, make sure I'm safe,
help record data.

Ravi, can't I just help you
move a couch or something?

I'm really not up for the, like,
"Watch me do drugs“ favor.

Sorry. I didn't realize there
were limits to our friendship.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, don't bat
those big brown eyes at me,

you manipulative bastard.
All right. I should get going.

- I do not want to run into Liv...
- LIV: Too late.

(SIGHS)

How are you doing?

Hanging in there.

- No, really.
- You know, let's not do this, okay?

No let's-get-real talk.
Not yet.

I'm great. All's well.

Sorry, bro, just asking.

- Bro? -l'm on frat boy
brains at the moment,

and everything's getting filtered
through the bro-zone layer.

(CHUCKLES)

"I'm on frat boy brains.
No big whoop.“

Just like you're doing a cleanse.
Eating dead people brains.

It's just a fact of my life right now.
Look past it, please.

I wanna catch up.

Sorry, bro. No can do.

(SLURPING)

(GULPS) Ahh.

Bad day?

(SIGHS) I got smacked down by
someone I used to be tight with.

It was harsh.

Hey, I'm happy you're
a drink-through-the-pain type.

Not the sad-girl-surrounded-
by-empty-ice-cream-pints type.

You want in on this?

How about we go get
a real drink?

I kind of felt like ordering in
hot wings and watching Entourage.

(CELL PHONE BUZZING)

- Yo! Who?
- Brody!

- Brody?
- From Zeta Beta Theta?

I got your deets from a
Jamaican dude at the morgue.

So, listen, we're hosting this
memorial thing for Chad tonight.

It's like, a party.

I thought you might wanna come by, you
know. Just, like, hang or whatever.

You wanna come with me to a frat party
tonight? It's kind of a work thing.

- Yeah, cool.
- There's a dress code.

Dress code? A dress code
for a frat party?

- BOYS: (CHANTING) Chad...
- I remember this one time,

me and Chad were kayaking
in the San Juans.

He told me,
"lf I ever die, bro,

“I don't want it to be lame.“

He said that he wanted
his death to be like his life.

An epic party,
where anything goes,

but clothes!

(ALL CHEERING)

ALL: (CHANTING)
Chad! Chad! Chad! Chad!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Remind me again
how this is for work.

- Oh, it's hard to explain. I'm
trying to be bro-active. - Oh.

Ladies!

No, I don't do
Mardi Gras beads.

- Well, uh... - And, yes, I
know I'm wearing a garbage bag.

- Hey, girl!
- Hey!

- Hey, make sure she gets the red, bro.
- Oh, yeah.

Red is for "date." It's this
"Do, Date, Delete" game we play.

Actually, I made
a website for it.

So, like, okay... Do, date, delete,
Tom Hardy, Tom Brady, Torn Cruise.

Do you still get to do
the one you date?

Yeah. But you gotta
keep doing them.

- So you're, like, locking yourself in.
- Got it.

- Date Hardy.
- Yeah.

Wait, I kind of want to
delete Brady and Cruise.

Makes you think, right?

Yeah!

Yeah, there's no way I'm drinking
something I didn't pour myself,

and there's no way
I'm not drinking,

so I'll be right back.
Excuse me.

- So, you wanna see my room?
- Maybe later, bro.

Right now, I've got one word
in my bro-cabulary,

and that word is "justice." I am going on
the vision quest of all vision quests.

I will not rest till I find
the bastard who...

Beer pong! Time to get
your balls wet, bros!

(CROWD WHOOPING)

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

I was wrong about the bathroom
being the place to score drugs.

There's definitely some
transactions going on in there,

but not the kind
we're looking for.

- How you holding up?
- Everyone looks like a drug dealer

in this lighting. I have
to say, I'm disappointed.

I thought
you'd be better at this.

Because everything about me says
I'd be awesome at scoring drugs?

You bought a grenade out
of the trunk of a car.

How can you not figure out how
to buy drugs at a nightclub?

It's a different skill set.
If you want a bazooka,

I can get you a bazooka
in 15 minutes, at cost.

That isn't very helpful
right now, is it?

Looking to score some U?

Maybe. I don't know.

How do I know
you're not a cop?

- How do I know he's not a cop?
- How do you know I'm not a cop?

I'm strangely offended.

Frankly, I'm fairly certain I'm the
closest to law enforcement here.

- How much do you want?
- Oh, two, please.

One to take now, and one to take in a
controlled environment at a later date.

DRUG DEALER: Later, dude.

Okay. So, once one purchases the
drugs, where does one do them?

- Yes!
-(ALL CHEER)

Are you not entertained?

Your friend is so great.
ls she always like this?

She wasn't yesterday.

I feel amazing.

I'm so present, so in my body,
but I'm also floating,

like watching the experience
be experienced,

like I literally don't have
a care in the world!

I'm just floating on goodness.

When did everything
get so beautiful?

-(CHEERING) - ALL: (CHANTING)
Chug!Chug!Chug!Chug!

- Yay!
-(ALL WHOOPING)

Hey! I know you're going
for gold in the bro-lympics,

-just wondering how that's a work thing?
- Right.

My bad. Time to focus.

You got this, bro.
You got this.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHS) Dude, we need
to get more of this.

What?

Utopium. I want more.

"Zeta Beta Theta Dog Fight
2015 Champion Chad Wolcoff."

- Hey! You made it upstairs.
- You guys fight dogs?

Huh? Oh, hells no.
No, that's disgusting.

No, the Dog Fight is, like, this
party where all the frat bros,

they invite the homeliest girl
they can find,

and then the champion is
the one whose date is

the last dog you'd want
to throw a bone.

Oh, no, but it's not,
like, mean or anything.

I mean, the girls know
they're ugly, right?

Who did Chad bring to the
party the night that he won?

Uh... This girl Paulette.

- Why do you want to talk about ugly
girls so much? -(CELL PHONE BUZZING)

Come on, let's go get naked and cuddle.
Just kind of see what's what.

- Major? - Hey, I found you
under "ln Case of Emergency"

on this guy's phone.

You should probably
come get him.

Where are you?

- Billy Club, downtown.
- Okay, I'm on my way.

(LIV GRUNTING)

I got you, bro. I got you.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(MAJOR GROANING)

LIV: 217 Emerson Street.

You guys are the best.
And can I just say

just how glad I am that we're all in
the know over the whole zombie thing.

Not cool, bro.

I am your bro.

- DRIVER: Let's go! Move it!
-(HONKS HORN)

- And I'm your bro.
-(PHONE CHIMES)

And I'm your bro.

And I'm a bro to
whoever is texting you.

LIV: What the hell?

They can hear you.
They're always listening.

Guys, guys...

We should get
matching tattoos.

(ANNOUNCER CHATTERING ON TV)

Am I that messed up, or are
you wearing police tape?

You're that messed up.

Aspirin. Water. Electrolytes.

And I thought paper towels
were a good idea.

You're not gonna want to, but you
should try to drink lots of fluids.

I'll leave you to it.
Good luck.

Can you stay?

I won't let anything
happen to you.

And I won't shave
your eyebrows.

So I checked into that Dog Fight
winner, like you suggested.

Paulette Mosley.
She's on her way in.

Oh, damn.

- What? - What if she doesn't
know about the Dog Fight?

They probably don't
tell them, right?

If you tell her, you could
destroy this poor girl.

I have to ask her.
It's motive.

It's why we're
bringing her in.

You're on your own, bro.

Tragedy needs the "plus time" for funny.
This needs “plus time."

You know it's probably
irrelevant anyway.

Based on the photos from the frat party,
the killer had to be over six-feet tall.

PAULETTE: Are you Babineaux?

I don't think she knew.

(PAULETTE SOBBING)

RAVI: 11:52 p.m. Heart rate is...
Oh, hey. WOMAN: Hey!

- I love you! -(RAVI
LAUGHING) You what? Huh?

- I love you!
- You love me?

That's so amazing.
Uh-huh. I love you.

Bubbles are magical.

♪ I'm lagging, swagging, high
on the wagon that she dragging

♪ Blow her brain out the back
with the goods I'm packing

♪ Weezy... ♪

Major, you know what we
need for the house? Velvet.

Major. Major. Major.

Major. Major.

Hey. Hi. (LAUGHS)

Oh, no, I was... I was just listening
to a thing a friend sent. A jokey bit.

I hope it was funny 'cause things
are getting ready to get gruesome.

Prepare yourself.

- It's pretty gnarly.
- Trust me, I'm more than used to...

(UNZIPPING)

You never get used to it.

I'll be right back. I've got
three more just like this one.

He knocked off all four
dealers. Tortured them.

There's no way that he'd give rne up.
There's no way!

BLAINE: Speedy, take it easy.

- He's coming after me.
- Speedy.

You know he's coming after me.

That's why you have to lay low, Speedy.
You hear me?

You don't talk to anyone.
I'll handle this.

- Okay.
- You call me anytime.

It's us against them, brother.
I got you.

Is everything okay?

Fine and dandy.

All four victims are
missing teeth and fingernails.

The detective on the case thinks
someone was sending a message.

And this is the guy who sold you
and Major Utopium at the club?

I buy drugs one time, purely for research
purposes, and this is what happens.

How bad must my karma be?

Ever think it was his karma?

Hey, I haven't been able
to reach you.

Oh. Someone ran over my phone.

I found a shop in Tacoma that
carries our elusive costume.

Got a name for the girl who rented
it the night of the frat party.

Apparently, she rented it for her
boyfriend. They're on their way in.

Let's go.

Captain Wozzles is awesome.

Um, why do you want to
talk about the costume?

I swear, it wasn't damaged
when we returned it.

Are they saying
that it was damaged?

A student was murdered
at a Pac West frat party.

We have reason to believe the killer
wore a Captain Wozzles costume.

Wow, I didn't see any blood
on it or anything.

The murder happened while you were
in possession of the costume.

I haven't been able to
locate another one.

Wait, I don't understand.
You think it was me?

-'Cause I haven't been to a frat party
ever in my life. -(BECKY LAUGHING)

We just moved here from
Spokane a few months ago.

Can you tell us where you were
two nights ago? Around 10 p.m.?

I was at home with Becky. We
were just hanging out at home.

He was with me all night.
I swear.

So, you rented the costume, and then
just stayed home and didn't use it?

(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) No, like...

(STAMMERING) I used it.
I used it. I just...

I wore it at home.

You just wore a Captain Wozzles
costume in your living room?

Uh... I'm a furry.

- A what? -l'm into costumes
that look like stuffed animals.

-(SIGHING)
- Like sexually.

It's a fetish, okay?

I was not expecting that.

Here's what I'm going to need. I'm
going to need details, photos.

We don't need details
or photos.

Unless you have them,
and they're hilarious.

We definitely don't need
details or photos.

Yes, we do.

What would be more shocking, that
sweet-faced kid as a murderer,

or that kid getting his freak
on dressed as a stuffed animal?

Sonny doesn't appear to
have any connection to Chad,

or the frat, or even the college.
Where's the motive?

There has to be another Captain
Wozzles costume out there.

I haven't been able to locate
another anywhere.

Maybe it was the actual
Captain Wozzles?

(LAUGHING)

Blaine!

Wait.

I wasn't finished.

(SIGHS) Okay.
Don't go too far this time.

More milky Tilda Swinton,
less Casper's ass.

- Yeah? Good.
- Yeah.

Sir.

There's a man outside says he wants to
see you. Doesn't have an appointment.

What do I care, Nina?
Send him away.

Uh, he scares me.

Send him in.
Take an early lunch.

Stacey Boss controls narcotics,
bookmaking, prostitution,

smuggling, trafficking, murder
for hire, DVD late fees.

People in Seattle can't get mugged
without him getting his beak wet.

One in eight cops and one in
three judges are on his payroll.

I worked for the guy.

Tell me
something I don't know.

That I don't want to die? Because if
you're really asking me to use the powers

of the DA's office
to bring down Mr. Boss...

First, you're already dead.

Get over it.

Second, once you hold a press conference
declaring him public enemy number one

and that you, Floyd Baracus, Eliot
Ness-like paragon of virtue

will be the public servant
who puts him in jail,

you'll be... What's the word?
Ah, yes.

Untouchable.
Next stop, mayor's office.

No one cares about Mr. Boss
anymore.

He's an institution around here. He's
like the monorail or salmon tossing.

- We're used to him.
- That was yesterday.

Today's a bit different.

- Don't you read the papers?
- I saw it.

More dead drug dealers.
It won't change things.

Sure about that?

Take a look at these kids.

Attractive. Well-to-do.
Good families.

Nobody cared when he was
killing the unwashed masses.

But now he's moved to new territories,
where people register to vote.

Protecting rich white kids
is your job.

You've just been handed the
political will to take him down.

You know how risky it would be
to take on Mr. Boss?

I bet you wish
you had the choice, huh?

I'll need cash.

You get paid in brains.

I'll have to grease a lot of palms in
order to get any movement on this case.

One in eight cops. One in three judges.
Remember?

I'll get you the cash.

Do you have any idea
what you're starting here?

I believe I do.

(PHONE RINGING)

MAN: Wakey-wakey, Speedy.

- SPEEDY: No. No. No!
- Mr. Boss sends his regards.

And Alexander wept when he realized
there were no more worlds to conquer.

Did you weep, Angus?

Let me guess, business
has been so bad

you're reduced to making
your own deliveries.

No. The only brains I brought
today are right up here.

And wouldn't you love
a bite of those bad boys.

No need. I've read Oedipus.

(LAUGHING) Oedipus requires
a living mother, but, hey.

How could you have seen
the warning signs?

Don't all wives lock themselves alone
in their room for weeks at a time,

claiming they want to die?

And why would it even occur to
you to lock up your Beretta?

You're a whiny bitch.

So obvious that you
didn't get that from me.

What was it Madonna said?
"Papa, don't preach.“

And business is booming, thank you for
asking. My client list keeps growing,

but don't worry. You never
forget your first customer.

Son turns father into a
member of the undead.

Gee. Why did Oedipus even cross my mind?
What is it you want?

What does anyone ever want
from you, Angus? Money.

- Lots of it.
-(LAUGHS)

On top of the 25k
a month for brains? Whoo!

You should learn to
live within your means.

If you don't mind, what shortcut
are you taking this time, huh?

It's always the same for you, isn't it'?
Always looking for the easy way out.

Least amount of talent required.
(LAUGHING)

Least amount of effort.

What does the PowerPoint look like for
your inspirational climb up the ladder?

Step one. Have your father who built
the company institutionalized.

Step two. Move
into his office.

Your Horatio Alger story
was a phone call.

(MIMICS CORK POPPING)

The strings I pulled to get my
party boy son into Wharton.

You couldn't make it
one semester.

"Dad. Dad, Dad,
Dad, Dad, Dad...

"This widget's gonna revolutionize
the way we listen to music,

“rent apartments, hook up.

"I just need some
startup capital."

I always knew the request was
coming, because you'd manage

to hide your hate for me for a few
weeks leading up to the pitch.

And I would just give in. I guess
that's how this story ends.

No.

This story ends with me taking this chair,
this desk, this office, your entire company.

The only thing that means
anything to you.

I'll watch you walk out of here with a
cardboard box full of paperclips and K-Cups.

It's the dream that gets me
out of bed each day.

And after I watch
that play out,

I'm gonna stick you in the same
hellhole where you stuck Grandpa.

- He babied you.
- He loved me.

You just don't know
the difference.

Make it out for
half a million.

Look at me.

Chip off the old block.

Katy Perry. Kate Upton.
Kate Middleton.

I mean, all three doable and datable.
This game is impossible.

(SIGHING)

By the time I got the Captain
Wozzles costume from the shop,

it had already been laundered.

I was hoping Forensics could
still get something off of it.

I'm kind of glad
they couldn't,

after what our furry
friends told us.

Hmm... Do Dylan McDermott.
Date Bob Dylan.

Delete Dermot Mulroney.

Really? Did you not see
his turn on New Girl?

- I found him delightful.
- Oh, I thought Dylan McDermott was

from My Best Friend's Wedding.

- Mmm-mmm, that's Dermot Mulroney.
- I deleted the wrong Dermot!

Wait a minute.

- What if...
- What if the wrong guy got killed?

I couldn't find a connection
to you and the murder victim

because there wasn't one.

But I've got some bad news
for you, son.

This Chad Wolcoff,
the one you killed,

he's not who ran over your father
in a drunk-driving accident.

No, that would be

this Chad Wolcoff,

from your hometown of Spokane.

You murdered an innocent man.

Chad Wolcoff of Spokane, the one
you believed you were killing,

has spent the past five years
speaking at high schools

about the dangers
of drunk driving.

He was trying to make amends for
what he did to your family.

(CRYING)

My dad was working up on Highway
2, putting in a guardrail.

This drunk 15-year-old kid
doing 95 skids right into him.

All I knew about the guy who killed Dad
was he was a few years older than me

(SIGHS)

and his name was Chad Wolcoff.

Every once in a while, I would
google this Chad Wolcoff.

Until I finally got a hit last year.
He was the right age.

I had to see him,

the guy who destroyed
my family.

And when I did,
he was just this idiot drunk,

and he didn't care
that he killed my dad.

He didn't have
a care in the world.

And now you're saying that
this wasn't him?

That this is just some guy?
And he didn't do anything?

He didn't do anything?

He didn't do anything.

Oh, no. (CRYING)

You have the right
to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be
used against you in a court of law.

LIV: Our lives are
a collection of choices.

Sonny chose to
avenge his father.

I chose to not tell my
fiance I'm a zombie.

We make our own beds.

Seems beneath our dignity to whine
when we're forced to sleep in them.

But Major held me...
Held me and told me

he wouldn't let anything
happen to me.

Maybe, just this once,
there's a do-over.

- Hey.
- Major left a message.

He wanted me to come pick up the
replacement cell phone he bought for me.

The phone. Yeah.
Of course. Here.

Oh. I thought he'd be home.

Oh, no, he is. He is. He's...
(CLEARS THROAT)

It's fine.
I just want to go say "Hi.“

We're back on speaking terms.
Baby steps, I know.

Major? It's me.

I left the phone with Ravi.

I just wanted to say "Hi."

Kinda busy.

(SNIFFING)