iCarly (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - iReturn to Webicon - full transcript

This year's.

Webicon Web Icon Lifetime
Achievement Award recipient:

Carly Shay.

- Whoo!
- Step one,

kiss Wes. [Kiss]

Step two, smile.

Step three, humbly
wave at my fans.

Lifetime achievement award?

[laughs] You're so old.

I'm a dewey 27.

And this award is a big deal.



It's been a hard year,

starting up my channel
again all by myself.

All by yourself?

No emotional support or
fancy studio in my apartment

or anyone dressing
up as a baby for you?

You should probably
thank me first.

You're somewhere between
God and my manicurist.

And now we get to celebrate you
at the new and improved Webicon.

Or I guess the full
title is now "Webicon,

I'm just glad they pivoted
from a giant, sweaty convention

to a glamping retreat

for "forward thinkers
of the online era."

Plus, a pitch-fest
for new tech ventures.

A field full of rich people



who don't know what to
do with their money.

And I get to tell 'em.

Well, it better be awesome... I
got Dutch on the music lineup,

and I promised her,
because you promised me,

so it's a blockchain promise.

As requested,

useless, nontoxic buy spray.

But let the record show
I'm still solidly behind.

Harper's idea for
mosquito net jumpsuits.

Said that as a joke.

Look, we're headed to an island

with no ferry service
and spotty cellular.

I just want to be prepared.

The tree houses have
electricity, plumbing,

[laughs]: And an
hourly tea ceremony.

My Eagle Scout here wants
to bring a generator,

iodine and rations.

Well, at least you
let me pack candles,

so in case the power goes out,

I can still see
your gorgeous face.

Oh, get a tree house, you two.

Oh, we will. We all will.

We're gonna have the
best weekend ever.

Everybody, hands in.

Webicon.

[ALL]: Webicon!

Why don't the trees have houses?

What are we supposed to eat?

Where is everyone?!

Are they all having fun
without us? On a yacht?

Harper, speak to the concierge

about getting us an
invite to the yacht.

- [SPENCER]: Mm.
- Please.

Come on, guys,

we just have to roll
with the punches,

and it'll be an adventure.

Webicon!

Yeah, I say we eat her first.

♪ I know ♪

♪ You see ♪

♪ Somehow the world
will change for me ♪

♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ Live life, breathe air ♪

♪ I know somehow we're
gonna get there ♪

♪ And feel so wonderful ♪

♪ It's all for real ♪

♪ I'm telling you
just how I feel ♪

♪ So wake up the
members of my nation ♪

♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance
unless you take one ♪

♪ And the time to see
the brighter side ♪

♪ Of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give your best and
leave the rest to me ♪

- ♪ Leave it all to me ♪
- ♪ Leave it all to me ♪

♪ Leave it all to me ♪

♪ Just leave it all to me. ♪

Never ask how I got this tarp.

Is this hell?

No.

Hell at least has Lil Nas X.

Dutch is the only one from
the music lineup who showed.

I guess all the rich
people already figured out

what to do with their
money... They used it

to get on the last
helicopter out of here.

Don't worry, we're still
gonna have a great time.

I'm almost done
completing inventory

and formulating a list of tasks.

See? Tasks.

I made this dress for Dutch.

She was gonna sing
and dance over a fire,

and then when her
fans wanted an encore,

they would scream:
"S'more! S'more!"

I guess we'll have to eat it.

All right, here's the deal.

I talked to the person in charge

before she was whisked away by
six competing documentarians.

They planned to have
luxury tree houses,

a pitch-fest, and a
sick music lineup,

but without money, that
plan never went beyond:

"Let's have luxury tree houses,

a pitch-fest, and a
sick music lineup."

We have a sick music lineup.

- Dutch can still perform.
- No.

No, no, they said singing
attracts the possums.

Dutch, I'm sorry.

I will sew you a tent
out of bark if I have to.

Mm-mm. I will take a hotel
room, please, and thank you.

So, are they sending boats?

Helicopters? Amazon drones?

Not until Monday. Hey,
where'd you get the tarp?

[grunts gibberish]

What are we gonna do?

Don't worry about it, all right?
We have just enough water,

and the festival left us
non-FDA-approved protein bars,

but, uh, they are
the blueberry flavor.

I'll starve.

I just really need you
to take this seriously.

I am. But since you've
got survival covered,

there's no reason I can't
be in charge of having fun.

Uh, we could go on a sunset
hike, make flower crowns,

go skinny-dipping.

Sprained ankle, poison
ivy, penis parasites.

I'm just trying to make
lemonade out of lemons.

Oh, you brought lemons?

No.

♪ ♪

Ah, good luck getting
our food, bears!

Wait.

If the bears can't get the
food, will they eat us?

Enjoy our food, bears.

[sighs heavily]

I'm so bummed the
pitch-fest is canceled.

Do you think this is a sign?

Maybe it's time I hang up
my entrepreneurial hat.

If you mean your Rite
Aid fedora, then yes.

You can't give up. Let me help.

No. We both agreed that we were
lucky our friendship survived

you investing in my
first failed start-up.

You are not allowed to
give me any more money.

And I won't.

But I bet I can find
a different rich idiot

to trick into losing
all of their money.

There must be someone here who
was too dumb to make it out.

Yeah.

Us.

You're not going to find anyone.

I'm just not cut out
for the tech world.

Maybe it's time I
find something else.

[SPENCER]: Hey...

Should we tell him he just
walked through poison oak?

He'll find out soon enough.

Sorry I got you to
bring Double Dutch.

She's a lot.

Hey, she's my boss... Only
I'm allowed to say that.

And Wes is quite the survivalist

and very helpful and
not at all annoying.

[like Wes]: Hey, don't eat the
red berries... they're poisonous.

Hey!

[chuckles] But that was dead-on.

Wes is just such
a planner, and...

I love that, but sometimes he
has trouble being spontaneous.

I want to survive, too.

Doesn't mean I can't
also have a flower crown.

I'm on a trip with
my favorite people

who I promised a great time.

I need to at least try
to make that happen.

I don't know how to
work this compass.

Oh, uh, try turning it off

- and then back on.
- Oh.

I feel bad, but...

I keep thinking about if I
were here with my ex-boyfriend,

who shall not be named.

Beau?

Guess we're naming him.

He'd already have, like,
four penis parasites.

That guy's fun.

And he's also right there.

Carly!

Oh, fun.

♪ ♪

Ooh, this place is amazing!

Is that a bidet in the bathroom?

I'm gonna go check.

You, uh, seem
surprised to see me.

Didn't you know I
was presenting you

with your lifetime
achievement award?

No.

No, I did not.

I guess they thought
we make a good pair.

You know, probably since we've
always made such a good pair.

Uh, congratulations, by the way.

Webicon Web Icon is a huge deal.

I guess if we'd started
a channel together,

I would've just been
holding you back.

Or riding my coattails.

Sounds like a fun ride.

How'd you get this
place, anyway?

Uh, probably by being the
most famous person here.

I don't know, maybe
a different reason.

Hey, did you get one of
the tarps? Those seem cool.

Oh, yeah.

They're awesome.

We're really just making
the most of our time.

The laughs we've had,

you wouldn't believe.

Same. You know, I
was gonna bounce,

but then I figured: Why not
make lemonade out of lemons?

- [door opens]
- Exactly.

It's a bidet, all right.

Hell of a bidet.

So you just have all this space
for you and your girlfriend?

We, uh, broke up, actually.

- Oh.
- And we didn't know?

Don't you usually prefer to
dump people on a livestream?

Let me make it up to you.
Why don't you all stay here?

I don't know.

I just started seeing someone.

He's an auto mechanic.

Like, a real manly man.

He's probably off building us
a better tree house right now.

So no.

You listen to me, Carly Shay.
I am a knight in shining armor,

and Dutch is my
damsel in distress,

professionally speaking!

So yes.

Please.

[sighs] Fine.

I'll stay in this
gorgeous tree house

with the softest
towels I've ever felt.

But you owe me.

Millicent, this is perfect.
Beau is the investor

of Freddie's dreams.

Positive attitude.
Money to burn.

No understanding of business
or perhaps even money at all.

But my dad's confidence
is at an all-time low.

He's not gonna try
and make a sale now.

Which is why we need
Beau to come to him.

He'll see it as a sign.

Yes! I haven't done a
good scheme in ages.

I hope I'm not rusty.

♪ ♪

How cool is it of Beau to
let us use his tree house?

Yeah. Very cool.

Except I am a little worried

it's not built to
hold eight people.

Sure it is.

They wouldn't have
included a blackjack table

if they didn't want
you to entertain.

Since we're good on shelter
and food and water now,

what should we do?

[chanting]: Flower
crowns. Flower crowns.

Yes! And then I heard about
an amazing sunset hike.

Oh, uh, before we go spraining
our ankles all willy-nilly...

I need to make sure there's
actually enough food

and clean water in this
tree house for everyone.

There's tons of food.

I don't know how much
water there is...

The fridge just does filtered.

It even does pellet ice.

Carly loves pellet ice.

Beau, uh, actually, can
you grab us some drinks?

Regular Coke with lime and...

Let me guess... tepid water
since the body absorbs it faster.

Oh. Yeah, I know
you're mocking me,

but that's actually
true, so thanks.

[Carly giggles]

So, this I was not prepared for.

Yeah, it's weird.

But there's absolutely
nothing going on

between Beau and me now.

I doubt we have anything
in common anymore.

Did somebody say "flower crown"?

♪ ♪

Which is why, with Kevin,

you're not taking
care of the puppy...

The puppy is taking care

- of you!
- Of you!

Yeah, but don't tell
Freddie we told you, okay?

He's got so many investors.

He'd kill us if he knew we
told one more person about it.

It's such a good idea.

You think maybe I could
get him to pitch it to me?

- Maybe.
- Maybe.

Hey, um, what are the
symptoms of Lyme disease?

This place has a
real Lyme-y vibe.

You know what doesn't have a
Lyme-y vibe? Your app Kevin.

Whoops. I didn't mean to
mention it in front of Beau.

But now that the
puppy's out of the bag,

why don't you tell him about it.

[sighs] Okay, um,
well, the idea was:

Match people who
need therapy dogs

with people who need
dog-sitters, so that...

It sounds awesome.

How about you give me
the full pitch tomorrow.

I need to text my dad first.

My dad's my business guy.

Also, I just love him.

Really? Beau, I mean...
that would be great.

Men supporting men.

That's what it's all about.

Oh, my God!

Did you see me just
manifest that opportunity

out of total thin air?

- Oh, yes.
- You did that.

- You did that!
- Yes!

Ooh!

♪ ♪

Okay, you were right, Wes...

That nontoxic bug
spray is useless.

Mm-hmm. Or maybe
you're just too sweet.

Here, this is safe

and totally works.

Wow, I'm just, like, the
hero of this entire weekend.

- You know what would make it even better?
- [HARPER]: Nothing.

Nothing could make this
better, because it's great!

Right, Dutch?

No.

A chipmunk looked at me weird.

I was gonna say scary stories.

Oh, like the one about the
guy stranded in the forest

with his girlfriend's
ex-boyfriend.

Ooh, what's that one?

Yup, no, I got it.

Are we talking scary scary,
or "George the Bra" scary?

[laughs] Oh!

[like George]: "I'm
going to get you."

- [laughter]
- Uh...

George the Bra?

George the Bra that
tells ghost stories.

It's a classic iCarly character.

Carly, your
marshmallow's on fire.

Oh. [Exhales sharply]

We like 'em burnt and crispy.

Then when you put
it on the chocolate

- it melts faster.
- It melts faster.

I wasn't talking about the
viscosity of your dessert.

I was talking about the
increased risk of forest fire.

Wow. You can even take the fun
out of roasting marshmallows.

Am I the only one here
whose definition of fun

includes not dying?

Oh, man, wait. I bet you wind up
dying in some super boring way.

Or maybe I never die, because
I make careful decisions.

Okay, let's all relax.

Oh, I think Beau here
is plenty relaxed.

Aah! Is this what we've
been making s'mores out of?

This is my dress!

This is cannibalism!

Dutch, if we didn't eat it,
it was gonna attract bugs.

Then Wes would
make us eat those.

You know what? I'm
gonna go. I'll be back.

Oh, actually, I was gonna storm
off super dramatically, so...

Aah! Aah!

[continues screaming]

[DUTCH]: Okay, you're good.

- Wes, wait.
- Look, I'm sorry,

but I just need a minute, okay?

Let's all just cool off
and take some space.

[thunder crashing]

And pack ourselves
into a shelter

that comfortably sleeps two.

♪ ♪

[thunder crashing]

[loud crackling]

Do you think that's
FEMA here to save us,

or a serial killer
here to end us?

- It was probably just a branch.
- Serial killer.

- Dude.
- What?

Carly, uh, can we talk?

Uh, yeah.

We should.

[wind whistling]

I'm sorry, Carly, but I'm
getting pretty frustrated, okay?

I-I mean, I've been
working all weekend

to try and keep us safe,
and it's, like, none of that

matters to you because I didn't
weave you a flower crown.

You don't weave a flower
crown. You tie it off.

[sighs] I'm just trying

to make the best
of a bad situation,

and you keep reminding
me how bad it is.

Yeah, because it is bad, okay?
Not everything is skinny-dipping

and lifetime achievement awards.

Well, not everything
is life-or-death.

[thunder crashing,
loud crackling]

[screaming]

Hi there.

Oh, crap, wrong arms.

Oh, uh, I-I was just
reaching for my phone.

- It's very precious to me.
- I... I was...

- I was also doing, like, the same.
- Yeah, same.

- [thunder crashing]
- [screaming, grunting]

I am my mother's son!

- [thunder crashing]
- [screaming]

See? You grabbed Beau, too.

He's just very grab-able.

- Whoa! Whoa!
- [screams]

Well

at least we still have a roof
over our heads.[Wood creaking]

This album is literally
rocking my world.

♪ ♪

Well, we look amazing.

I wasn't gonna let these
outfits go to waste.

My best friend was
getting an award.

I rented enough runway
to land a plane.

Aw. That's sweet.

You liar.

You packed all
these cute clothes

so you could look
good for Dutch.

You like her.

How dare you

read me so accurately.

Okay, yeah, when the
tree house was falling,

I reached for Dutch.

But you reached for Beau.

How dare you

recount true events.

Do you still have
feelings for him?

Escándalo.

A week ago I
would've told you no,

but Wes and I haven't been
on the same page all weekend.

- Mm.
- It's like this whole experience

has just made me realize that
he and I are really different.

And sometimes very
different people

- make great couples.
- Yeah, but

then there's Beau.

I mean, he makes
everything so easy.

Mm.

When we broke up,
that was, like,

the third fight we've ever had.

Well, I guess the question is,

do you want someone
who's like you,

or do you want someone
who complements you?

And I guess the
second question is,

are you willing to
risk your dream career

for your dream girl?

Mm.

You know what I wish?

That we jumped into
each other's arms.

'Cause then it
would've been like,

"Aw, they're so cute.
They're best friends."

[laughs] So cute!

But we didn't.

So it was the one
failed start-up.

It was the two failed marriages.

He's tanking.

[loud, awkward giggling]

Spencer, you know
what you have to do.

Damn it.

And, I mean, you learn
by failing, right?

- What is happening?
- H-Hi!

My name is Bandit,
and I'm a terrier.

[Irish accent]:
An Irish terrier.

And I was ne-u-tered!

Not because I wanted to be,

but because it's the socially
responsible thing to do.

Now, who wants to
scratch me belly?!

- No one!
- Me!

[rhythmic grunting]

Wow. I mean, that was the
best pitch I've ever heard.

I'm so bummed I can't invest.

[SPENCER]: What?

[Irish accent]: But
I was ne-u-tered.

Yeah, my dad thinks
dogs are just a fad. But

hey, good luck.

Not that you'll need it.

Spencer and Millicent
told me how many investors

you have lined up.

Congratulations.

Huh.

So you set this up.

What, just so I could squeeze
in one last failure before

- I give up entirely, or...?
- You can't give up.

You have every reason
to believe in this.

You're talented.
It's a great idea.

The world needs it.

In fact...

It's only $13.

It's all I have liquid.

I'm in.

Wow. [Chuckles] Thank you.

This means more to me than
any big investment ever could.

Well, I want to make
a big investment.

Okay, thunder stealer.

♪ ♪

Dutch?

Are you in there?

[DUTCH]: No.

All right. Well,
if you see Dutch,

tell her that tarp
is not her color.

How dare you.

I look gorgeous in this.

You do.

Look, I love working for you.

And we click creatively,
and I really admire you.

But I think that some
of those feelings

might be crossing
the line, and...

I think you feel it, too.

Yeah, I do.

Both of my hearts are
beating out of my chest.

I have two hearts.

But we work together,
and this is my dream job.

You're my dream stylist,

and it's really helping
me push myself creatively.

I think we need
to put that first.

Me, too.

[laughs] So we agree.

We're just gonna close our eyes,

turn off our feelings for
the sake of professionalism.

I really love your boundaries.

[trembles]: Uh-huh.

Okay.

Erase.

[chuckles nervously]

Erase.

Zip! They're gone. All right.

[laughs]

Well, I'm so glad that worked.

[laughs]

There you are.

I've been looking
everywhere for you.

First place I checked
was in Beau's arms.

Next time we're in a
collapsing tree house,

I promise I will jump on you.

Wes, I'm sorry.

And I really appreciate
everything you've done for us.

Well, hopefully you'll
appreciate this, too.

Come with me.

♪ ♪

[whooping, cheering]

Oh, my God, what is all this?

[WES]: It's your stage,

for you to accept your award.

[clapping, whooping]

I don't deserve all this.

- Carly...
- We are gathered here today

to celebrate the
life of Carly Shay.

[WES]: Actually, as the person

who made the podium
and the award, I...

Pretty sure this is the award.

I had it flown in this morning.

Does that mean you could
have had us flown out?

I wanted to stay,

'cause I have something
to tell you, Carly.

Uh, this feels like it's in the
arena of what I wanted to say,

so if I could just go
first, I'll be real quick.

- I think we should go in alphabetical order.
- Eh...

- I love you.
- I love you.

Duly noted.

Carly, breaking up with you was

the second biggest
mistake of my life.

Do you remember when I bought
that pizza with Bitcoin?

Okay, I would never make
either of those mistakes,

because I love you, and I
actually do still use checks.

These are all great
points. Very compelling.

A lot of pros, lot of cons.

Okay, so what are you gonna do?

Wait to see if she says it back.

Not you, dude. Carly.

I'd like to thank God

and my brother Spencer

and my manicurist Leslie.

I love you.

Leslie.

And...

[helicopter approaching]

- Hey! Hey!
- Down here!

We're here!

See?

That's why I thank God first.

I looked death straight
in the eyes and said,

"Not today, Carly. Not today."

I drank from a bidet.

What happens at Webicon
stays at Webicon.

So we left those
feelings at Webicon.

Why? Did she say
something about me?

Yeah, I feel good
about where I landed.

I mean, the heart wants
what the heart wants.

Until it doesn't.

And then does again.

And sometimes you get rescued

before you even have
to make a decision,

and then you end
up on a helicopter

with two guys just staring
at you the whole time.

But yeah, everything's great.

I got a penis parasite.