American Dad! (2005–…): Season 6, Episode 12 - You Debt Your Life - full transcript

When Stan and Roger disagree over a recent string of events, Roger moves out of the house in protest but is quickly replaced by another warm body. After Roger learns of the replacement ...

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♪ Good morning, USA! ♪

♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good morning, USA! ♪

Aah!

♪ American Dad 6x12 ♪
You Debt Your Life
Original Air Date on February 20, 2011

Anybody want a piece of this
against my will?

I won't accuse anyone.

Okay, lady,
you've had enough.



I want to hear it from him.

You've probably
had enough.

You are too big to punch.

I did it perfectly.

Stan?! What are
you doing here?

You called me.
No, I didn't.

ROGER
Stan, I'm at Shenanigans.

I'm super-drunk
and about to get raped.

Come pick me up in 45 minutes.

Hey, I did call you
and I sound great.

I should get
voice-over work.

In a world where
vomit comes out of my mouth...

Great, I tore my favorite suit
saving your drunk ass.

Oh, please. You'd be
so bored without me.



I would not.
You're annoying.

Driving you home from bars,
cleaning up your messes,

returning Somalian babies
you've adopted.

Their little hands can
get stuff out of my butt.

I don't know why I saved
your life last night.

I should have let that bus
kill you.

Wow, Dad!
You saved Roger's life?

I guess you guys are even now.
"Even"?

Yeah, you know, the life debt.

Oh, right. Yeah. It's true.

I understand, too, Hayley,
but would you explain it anyway?

I love to hear things
summarized.

Sure, Mom.
Years ago, Roger

was a prisoner in Area 51.

He got loose and Dad
was the one who found him.

Guards threw grenades
into the room.

And Roger saved Dad's life.

Ever since then,
Dad's owed Roger a life debt,

and that's why he lives with us.

Hey, now that the debt's repaid,
he can move out.

Klaus, the life debt
may be why Stan

invited me to stay here
at first, but we all know

he love me now and
wants me to be here.

Nope, it's the life debt.

It's always been the life debt
and now it's repaid.

I don't owe you squat.

Stan...
No.

No, it's true.
He doesn't.

And if that's how
you feel, Stan,

maybe I should just move out.
Maybe you should.

Fine, I'll move out today!
Great, see you.

You'll miss me!

I should have grabbed my
fanny pack instead of that jerk.

Oh, fanny pack?

Finally-- yes,
at Area 51.

When I met Stan,
I was wearing

my special fanny pack.

But it fell off
and I had to choose

between grabbing it
or saving Stan.

Clearly, I chose wrong.

Oh.

Aren't you going to ask
me what's so special

about the fanny pack?
Okay.

What's so
special about...?

That's personal!
Stay out of my business!

Oh, oh, no!

Tell Francine to stay
out of my business!

And lunch today will be pizza

and tater tots.

Tater tots!
All right!

Hey-a, friendos!
How's this sound?

"The Sci-Fi Club will meet
Wednesday at 3:00.

"This week's topic:
the complicated relationship

between black people
and science fiction."

Sounds good.
Hey, here he comes.

Hey, Zack,
could you announce

our Sci-Fi Club
meeting tomorrow?

Yeah... no.

But it's a club and...

Look, I decide
what's worth announcing

and stupid crap
like that ain't it.

Wow, what a jerk.

Someone should put Zack
in his place.

Yeah, his ego is
out of control.

Like my blood sugar.

Thanks for letting me
move in right away, Miles.

Hey, no problem at all.

Whoa, who is this dog?!

Is this so we don't get boners
in the common area?

That's my mother.

Ugh! I wouldn't even

do coke off this picture.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I would and I'm about to.

Mama's boy!

Your neighbor's
a mama's boy.

Yeah, I know.

Who's at the door, Todd?

It's for me, Mommy!
I love you!

What are you
doing up here?

Oh, uh, just, uh,
enjoying Roger being gone.

Oh, that's cool.

So, I guess neither of us

came up here
for any particular reason.

And soccer practice had been
moved to the upper field.

Are you sure
this'll work, Steve?

Snot, this strategy
always works.

And congratulations
to the badminton squad,

who will be going to regionals.

Zack, will you
announce our Sci-Fi Club meeting?

I told you, no!

But don't the students have
a right to hear about...?

Those stupid sheep hear
what I want them to hear!

I decide what
gets announced

and those idiots out there
do what I tell them!

Zachary,
for Pete's sake,

the microphone
is still on!

It worked!

People always forget
the microphone is still on.

I always forget the stove is on.

Zachary, you've lost
your announcing privileges.

Steve, I want you to be
our new announcer.

Me? Uh, thank you, sir.

Here's your trophy.

I'm just kidding.

Can you imagine
if you got this

big-ass trophy
just for announcing?

No. No, a trophy like this
is for when you star

in over 40 adult films
in under two months.

That's how you get
a trophy like this, son.

Sorry, things didn't work out
with your new roommate, Roger.

I tell you, it's a cruel,
cruel world out here.

Did you know I saw
a man beat down

another man today
for a sandwich?

A sandwich, Francine!

This sandwich.

I wish I could just come home.

So come home.
We want you there.

Stan doesn't.
As far as he's concerned,

the only reason
I was living there

was the life debt he owed me.

And now, it's repaid.

Forget about the life debt.

Stan's too proud
to admit he misses you,

but I know he does.

Hey! What if you
offered to pay rent?

Then Stan would have a perfect
excuse to take you back.

You know, that could
actually work.

I don't mind
paying a little rent.

All right, I'm coming home!

Hi, kids!

As soon as Stan
sees my face,

he'll realize how much
he's missed me.

This isn't my feather boa.

It's beautiful,
but it's not mine.

This has been inside someone!

A Travel Guide to Tokyo's
Finest Defecation Clubs?

This stuff seems like it's mine,
but it's not.

What is going on?

Stan, who the hell is this?

My new tenant.
Meet Andy Dick.

A plea-zure.

Oh, my God!

Another fey pansexual
alcoholic nonhuman.

I've been replaced!

Egads! Who are you
calling "fey"?

I have a son.

Bouncing,
bouncing vodka Andy Dick.

Andy, if you need anything,
just let me know.

Welcome to our home.

How could Stan think
he could replace me with you?

You are so annoying.

I'm not annoying.

I'm a princess.

Oops, I sharted.

Stan's not going
to put up with you.

You won't last two hours.




Get in this car!

No!

Oh, God!

They're doing everything
we used to do together.

These should have been
my good times.

I've seen enough.

Drive me home, David.

I live right up here
on the left.

What are you doing?

Oh, Andy thought it'd be funny
to make me a melted cheese

on work I was supposed to do
sandwich on briefcase bread.

Stan, you're renting the attic

to someone who's exactly
like Roger.

Just admit you miss him.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Andy is nothing like Roger.

Look, I'm a firefly.

STEVE
And lunch today is lasagna.

This concludes
the announcements.

Have a great day.

Well done, Steve!

That's right, Snot,
'cause I'm the man!

Whatever I say goes.

I said Miss de Gaulle's
French class

was moved to room 215,
and it is.

I see you, baby,
shakin' that derriere.

That means butthole.

And, behold, I said
lunch was lasagna,

and they're eating
lasagna!

Everything
I say happens!

We've got
to do something.

Steve is drunk
with power.

The drunker he gets,
the better I look.

Roger?

Sorry.

I-I'm looking for a friend.

I'd say you found one.

Boing!

Roger?

Oh, hey, Franny.

I was just catching some "Zs."

I got your message
that you were staying here.

Roger, this YMCA stopped renting
out rooms, like, 30 years ago.

What?! I just put up
all my pictures.

Oh, I wish you and Stan
could just patch things up.

It's too late.

I've been replaced.

Good for you.

You can't give up, Roger.

Maybe you just need
to remind Stan

why you guys were once friends.

That's a great idea, Franny.

Tell you what.
Bring Stan to the zoo tomorrow.

That's where I've been pooing--
in the peacock hutch.

After he spends the day
with me away from Andy,

he'll remember
how good we are together

and he'll invite me
to move back in!

I'll go talk to Stan right now.
I'll walk you out.

Let me run upstairs
and change.

Uh-oh, storm's a-comin'.

STEVE Finally, the
janitorial staff has a friendly reminder.

Please do not defecate
in the urinals.

Don't forget to
announce debate team practice.

Screw debate. Go away!

It's an official school team.

It's only a school team
if I say it's a school team!

I do the announcements,

and all those mongoloids
and tampon-eaters do what I say!

Steven!
For Pete's sake, boy,

the microphone is still on!

Snot, from now on, you're
doing the announcements.

Yes, sir.

Brought down
by an open microphone.

We had to do it, Steve.

You were out of control.

Like my cholesterol.

Jeez, Barry, you have
a lot of health problems.

Enjoy that, fancy birds.

Stan, you're here!
Roger.

Damn it, Andy.
Can I put you down now?

But I feel so snug, Stan.

Ooh, this must be
how baby kangaroos feel

when they're on heroin.

What is he doing here?

Oh, Stan insisted
on bringing him.

Mostly, because every time
we leave him alone in the house,

he has sex with the groceries.

Ugh, that guy is such
an annoying, selfish jerk.

This is a disaster.

Why did Stan
have to save my life?

I just wish things could go
back to the way they were

when he still owed
me that life debt.

That's it!

What the hell
are you doing?!

Acting like a genius.

All I have to do is grab
that ladder over there,

lower it down, and save Stan.

He'll owe me a new life debt
and I can move back in.

Don't worry, Stan.

I'll save you!

No, I'm supposed to save him!

No!

It's my life debt!

You're crazy!
You're so crazy! Aah!

Aah!

It's all right!
I'm okay!

Eww!

St!

Don't worry, Stan.

I'm going to take you
to the hospital.

No, I need to save him!

Damn it, Roger!

Take him to a hospital!

Franny, we've
been over this.

I can't take Stan
to a hospital

because then a doctor
would save him.

To restore the life debt,
I have to save him.

This is crazy!

Well, I think you're crazy.

See? Isn't that hurtful?

You son of a bitch!

I'm going to rip
your throat out!

Oh, okay. It always ends
with you being a potty mouth,

so I'm hanging up.

Roger?

I had a crazy dream.

I was at the zoo and...

Oh, my God!

Don't worry.
I'm saving your life.

I've got a special salve

that'll make
your legs grow back.

We just have to get
to my fanny pack in Area 51.

Area 51?!

Roger, take me to a hospital!
I'm bleeding to death!

Which is exactly why we
don't have time to argue.

We have to get
you to Area 51

and there's not
a moment to spare.




Anybody have a giant pad
of butter?




We made it!

Now, use your
CIA credentials

to get us past
the front gate and...

Stan?

Looks like it's up to me.

Identification, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Good-bye, sir.

That's a very
nice bird, sir.

Sir, you're cleared
to enter the base.

You don't have to keep
showing me things you can do.

Steve, look, about yesterday...

No, you did the right thing.

Just be careful doing
the announcements, okay?

The power of the microphone--
it-it... it changes you.

Don't worry, buddy.

No stupid announcements
are going to change me.

I do the announcements!

I am the second coming!

I speak for God now!

Schmuley!

Barry, you're doing
the announcements now.

Ah.

You ,
you're gonna do what I say

or I will put my foot
so far up your ,

you will rue the day you crawled
out of your mother's !

Barry!

I made a swear.

All right, that's it.

We're not doing
daily announcements anymore.

All of you just get out of here.

Damn kids.

Sometimes I think I should have
just stayed in Peru moving coke.

Machado was a cold bastard,
but he was good to his men.

And once you drew blood for him,
you were set.

Hooch, blow, girls--

not women, girls.

Little bitty things.

Brian!

Oh, me!

Roger?

It's okay, Stan.
We're inside Area 51,

and I think I know exactly
where to find my fanny pack.

Just take me
to a hospital.

Ugh, you are a broken record.

That must be where
my fanny pack is.

I knew it.

Hello, beautiful.

Stay with me, Stan.

Roger?

I feel... better.

A lot better.

I feel like... Oh!

Don't worry. They'll
grow to full size,

but it takes a few hours,
so you're going to have

to do the baby leg thing
for a little while.

Roger, you... saved my life.

And you owe me
a life debt again.

Guess you'll have
to kick Andy Dick out

and let me move back in.

Scientists!

Hey, guys, I'm glad you're here.

We got separated
from our tour group.

I'm safari man Hubert LeGrange

and this is my sidekick
Wheelbarrow Tim,

AKA Babylegs O'Hurlihan.

No, you're an alien,

and that's
your picture.

Damn it! Run, Stan!

Get 'em!

They're gaining
on us!

Damn baby legs.

Can't turn.

Have to jump it.

Yes.

I think we lost 'em.

Roger!

Aw, crap, you saved my life.

Isn't that good?

No. That means we're even
on life debts again.

I wanted you
to owe me, so...

Never mind.

I'll look for another room
to rent.

No, Roger, don't.

Look, I didn't even remember
the life debt

until Hayley brought it up.

I just didn't want to admit that
I... like having you around.

What about Andy Dick?

You were doing a lot
of cool stuff with him.

I saw you hold his nose

until he spit out that Band-Aid
he found on the sidewalk.

Andy Dick bugs
the crap out of me.

You bug the crap
out of me too,

but, well...

with you it's different.

And I want you
to move back in.

Oh, Staniel,
you love me!

Oh, man, I can't wait
to move back home.

We just have to figure out
how to get rid of Andy Dick.

Go get the pills, boy.

Punch it!

Smart throwing him
those drugs.

Actually they
were Tic Tacs.

Smarter.

Um, Stan, Andy Dick's
running after us.

What? I'm going 55.

He's catching up to us.

Faster, Stan.
He's gonna get us.

Why didn't you
give him real drugs?

You fool!
You've killed us both!

Oh, no, he's...

passing us?

Oh, yeah, he's robbing
a pharmacy.

We're okay.

We're gonna be okay.

Bye! Have a beautiful time.