$#*! My Dad Says (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 5 - Not Without My Jacket - full transcript

And another thing is:
These farmer's market

is perfect for free chesse sandwich
'cause the bread is in the entrance,

so you go in there, you hit up
the bread guy for a free sample,

then you get
an olive oil sample,

you get some feta cheese, and then
you throw some figs on there.

So to recap: Bread,
olive oil, feta, figs.

- B-o-o-f-f.
- Both: Vince!

It's 5:30 in the morning.

What kind of insane person is
happy at 5:30 in the morning?

Hello, ladies! Who's ready
for the farmers market?

Me!



If we're not out of here
in the next half-hour,

all the good produce
will be picked over.

It's 5:30 a.M.
Who's picking over produce?

Owls and crackheads?

Hardly likely, henry.
It's a produce market.

Owls consume mice,
crackheads consume crack,

and unlike you, they have
a clear purpose. Let's go.

- What's that?
- It's coffee.

What's it doing in my cup?

Well, dad, this is a french roast,

so I assume it's surrendering
to the germans.

Save your sarcasm, Henry,

for the big-boned desperate
co-eds at last call.

That's my cup.



I've used that cup every day
since medical school.

You took it without asking.

That's a clear violation
of my rules.

I have to ask you before
I use your coffee cup?

You have to ask me before
you use my anything.

Those are the rules. You broke
the rules, you get nothing.

Who's ready for
some family fun?

Ah, there, you see?
I told you.

All the best produce
has been picked over.

Look at this apricot.

The last time I saw something
this wrinkled and orange,

I was asking a floridian to cough.

This looks good.

If that squash
were any uglier,

your brother would have
tried to sleep with it in college.

You are a delightful
curmudgeon.

Henry!

- Josh!
- Doc?

Hey, what's up, buddy?

I stopped by your
place last week.

I heard you were
back in town.

Yeah. It's a long story.

Got fired from his job, came
to live with me. The end.

I guess it's not that long.

So what are you
doing here, man?

Oh, got a call.

So old guy had a heart attack
while he was setting up his stand.

That must be so rewarding
saving people's lives.

- He died.
- Wow!

Hey, henry.
Check out my melons.

Vince, come on, you don't want
to be that guy. You have a wife.

- Hey, henry, check out my nuts.
- Oh! Oh ho ho!

- Hey, Josh.
- Bonnie.

Josh.

- Bonnie.
- Henry?

Come on, vince, let's go.
Josh, it was nice humping in--

Bumping--ahem--
bumping into you.

Vince, let's just go.
Come on.

Damn!
Check out the flower girl.

Looks like somebody might
need some medical attention.

Do not even look at her.

I've been working
on this for weeks.

I love you. You're my buddy,
but go away.

- Hey, Zoey.
- Hey! Steve.

Oh, it's Henry,
but whatever.

Are those gladiolas?

- They are. Very good.
- They're gorgeous.

- Can I grab a bunch?
- Sure thing.

Isn't it a little hot out
for a down vest?

Yeah, when I got here this morning,
it was, like, 47 degrees.

My dad likes to get here,
in his words:

"before the last hookers
go home."

Don't misquote me.
I said "ugly hookers."

- This is my dad.
- Hello.

What the hell are you
doing in my shirt?

It was in the attic.
I needed a shirt.

I didn't think it would
be a big deal.

Did you not remember the
discussion we had this morning

about borrowing my stuff
without asking?

[laughs] Do you think we can have
this discussion when zoey's not here?

We can have this discussion
anytime you want,

but I want you out of
that shirt right now.

[laughs] Zoey.

You are not gonna make me take this
shirt off right here, right now.

Never been more humiliated
in my life.

Oh, really?

What about the time you got your
balls stuck to an ice cube tray?

That wasn't an accident.

I was trying something with a curling
iron, but that is not the point.

Dad, I like Zoey.

Why did you have
to do that to me?

I didn't do it to you.
You did it to yourself.

You broke my rules.
Rules are not children.

You just can't throw them out when
they become a pain in the ass!

- It's only a shirt.
- No, it's a principle.

I live my life
by my principles.

That's called being a man.

That's what
I'm trying to teach you.

I've given up trying to get you to
pee standing up, so it's all I got left.

It was one time. It was in
the morning, I was tired,

and you can't tell me That you've
never broken one of your rules ever.

I can, I haven't, and I will.

I have never broken
one of my rules, ever.

Never mind.
I'm gonna go change.

I look like a gay lobsterman.

I just don't remember
acting weirdly.

No, you were acting weird.
You always act weird around josh.

Of course she acts
weird around him.

- She and josh...
- Bah bah bah!

- Fooled around.
- Oh, my god!

Do you not know what
"bah bah bah" means?

It all sounds like "bah bah bah"
when you talk.

Wait. You fooled
around with josh?

It was ten years ago. It was
before we even started dating.

- How come you didn't tell me?
- It wasn't a big deal!

He was 20, I was 20...

Plus some.
It doesn't matter!

It doesn't matter.
Tell him Ed.

It doesn't seem to matter
to some women,

but men are territorial animals.

And especially when
that territory's

been sprayed by the musk
of another beast.

Anyway, I hope that helps.

Don't listen to him.

Does anybody else
know about this?

- No one.
- I do!

Maybe henry.

- I can't believe this.
- Honey, it meant nothing.

It was a long time ago.
I don't even remember it.

It was before I met
the love of my life.

[football game playing on tv]

Gary.

No, honey, you.
You are the love--

Josh and I were
just a one time thing.

I don't even
lick him anymore.

I don't like him.
I don't like--hon!

I don't--aah!
It's funny! It's funny!

Hey, dad, have you seen my
padres jacket? I can't find it.

Want to go over to lucy's pub
and watch the game.

- Didn't see it.
- Well, it's not upstairs...

And...
It's not in this closet.

Did you maybe
put it somewhere?

Son, if you actually managed to
put an article of your clothing

in the closet,
I wouldn't touch it.

I'd grab a shotgun,
a roll of toilet paper,

and get a head start
on the Apocalypse.

Ah.

Okay, well, the jacket's
brown and gold.

It's got an "s.D." on the front.

Could you just think for
a second if you've seen it?

[Male announcer: Shifts
to the right side for this play.]

[Woman on tv: Somebody
that fell in love...]

Doc?
Thanks for the tomatoes.

This isn't a show about anatomy.

It's a bunch of whiny doctors
who bang each other.

Hey, doc, it's kind of chilly out there,

and I forgot my jacket at the station.
Can I borrow one?

If it doesn't look like
a fishing vest, It's all yours.

Ah, I'll just take
this brown and gold one.

[Announcer:
The ball is snapped...]

I didn't see it.

Okay, well, I just thought
that since you and I

are the only two people
that live here

maybe you took it
by accident.

Then again, you'd never
break one of your own rules.

That's right. I don't share.

You must have been incredibly
popular in Kindergarten.

My kindergarten was spent in the
tobacco fields Working for cigarettes.

I was very popular,
by the way.

Hello, Josh?

It's 5:45 p.M. On a Thursday,
October 21, 2010.

This is Ed Goodson,

and I want to talk to you
about a jacket.

To be more specific,
it's 5:47 p.M. Sorry.

[richard wagner's
ride of the valkyries blaring]

- Hey, doc, what you doin'?
- Oh, good!

[music stops]
Did you bring the jacket?

Oh, here you go.

That's not henry's jacket.

Yeah, but this one's
got a hidden pocket

to stash your pot...
Tery barn coupons.

Why would I need to stash
my pot...Tery barn coupons?

I need the jacket!
Where is it?

Uh, well, I got a call.

This dude fell in
the river fishing.

Yeah, he was freezing,
so I put henry's jacket on him

to keep him from going into shock,

- And, uh, I left him in it in the E.R.
- Damn it.

- Did you get a name?
- Yep, and I got his number and address.

It's right next to my bag
of weed... Ing tools.

That's ridiculous.

Who uses a bag for
their weed... Ing tools?

I need the jacket!
Get it.

I made a big stink about
my not breaking any of my rules.

I can't have henry
running around

thinking that I'm some
kind of a hypocrite.

[laughs]
That's gonna be a problem.

- Why is that?
- The guy died.

Damn it.

Why do bad things
always happen to me?

- Hey.
- Dude.

What's up, buddy?

Aw, I'm really sorry
I lost your baseball jacket.

I'm sorry. You lost
my baseball jacket?

I needed a jacket the other day,
and your dad let me borrow yours.

Ho ho ho ho ho!

Ho ho ho ho!

- Oh, Henry!
- Hi, Dad.

Any chance you see Josh
on your way in?

No.
Why?

No reason.

Say, dad, I've been thinking about
what happened at the farmers market.

You know, about me taking something
of yours without asking you.

It's all been dealt with, Henry.

No use beating a dead whore.

I believe the expression is:
"dead horse."

What kind of sicko
would beat a dead horse?

Anyway, you're right.

Rules are rules.

I mean, you would never
break one of your rules.

Why should I be allowed to?

- So I'd like to say I'm sorry.
- Apology is accepted.

I just can't believe
I lost that jacket.

Oh, it's just a jacket.
Forget about it.

Yeah, it could be worse.

Hey, I had a buddy who lost
his eyebrows in a grease fire.

Couldn't tell whether he was
surprised or suspicious.

I just love that jacket.

I can't just let it go.
Mm.

You know what?

- I think I know where it is.
- You do?

- Yeah. I bet josh has it.
- He does?

- I might as well ask him tomorrow.
- Tomorrow? Oh, that's good.

Why don't you go wash up,
and I'll get dinner started.

Hello, Josh. Time is 5:52,
Friday... October 22, 2010.

I need the dead man's
contact information.

[beeping]

Morning, sweetie.
How'd you sleep?

Not at all.

Every time I shut my eyes, I just
saw you and Josh getting it on.

There it is, there it is, there it is.

- There it is.
- I get it, I get it.

You are making a big deal out of this,
much bigger than it actually was.

[scoffs]
Not according to my brain.

I need you to tell me
everything you did with him.

Vince, why are you
torturing yourself?

Please, just honey...

Tell me every detail.

Honey, I don't even remember, it
was so long ago. You know what?

Actually, the only thing I do remember
is that he was a horrible kisser.

You, my love, are a much
better kisser than he was.

Does that make you
feel any better?

No.

So I just said that I thought you
might have it, and I went upstairs.

Whoo-hoo.
I bet he was freaking out.

Yeah, like when I dared you To put
your balls against that ice cube tray?

No, Josh. Not like that.

Oh... Anyway.

He sounded a little edgy when he
asked for the dead guy's address.

The dead what now?

[organ music plays]

♪ ♪

- Hi. Can I help you?
- Um...

This, uh, may not be
the best time.

I'm sorry for your loss.

- And the reason I'm here--
- Are you a relative?

Well, I mean, we're all
related in some way, right?

Bunch of monkeys
banged each other

a few thousand years ago,
and here we are.

I apologize.
The service is for family only.

I understand.

Can I just rummage through
some of louis' belongings?

No.
What's your name, sir?

Ed.

- You're Ed?
- Oh, my God.

We didn't think
you would come.

- I'm Shelley.
- Steve.

- Ed.
- Hi!

I can't believe
I'm finally meeting you.

Our father always insisted
that you remain anonymous.

He said you wanted it that way.

And--and--and still do.

This is probably a good
reason for me to just

look through his closet,
and I'll be on my way.

No, no, no, no.
You've come this far.

It's time we end
the secrecy, Ed.

Oh, my God!

We were all very supportive
of my father,

even though
his was a lifestyle

some of us had trouble
relating to.

But no one...

Understood sweet louie

better than this man right here.

This man here

was the hand
my father would hold...

He was the shoulder
he would cry on.

He was the warm body
on the other side

of a loving embrace.

I was a what now?

My father's longtime companion.

Everyone, this is Ed.

We would love it
if you'd say a few words.

Oh...

No, no, no.
Thank you very much.

I-I don't think I should--
Cheese and crackers.

They buried him in
the baseball jacket!

- You recognize it?
- I do, I do.

- Is this jacket meaningful to you?
- Oh, it is, it is!

Please, we want to know
more about your relationship.

Please share.
It'll help us gain closure.

Uh, details.

Uh, well, yes.

There is a, uh...

Unique and...

Lovely, um...

Bond...

That two men forge...

When engaged in, um...

Mantercourse.

[glass shatters]

What are you talking about?

I thought you were just his
alcoholics anonymous sponsor.

Oh!

Well, that's the way
it started.

And then it... Blossomed.

Into something more.

That's impossible.
My father loved women.

Yes.
But he had so much love...

That he had
love left over...

To give...

To men.

- Excuse me.
- Henry.

- Zoey, what are you doing here?
- I did the flowers.

I thought that was your
dad giving the eulogy.

The eulogy?

Yeah, he's speaking.

I'm so sorry
about your loss.

Oh.

I-I just can't believe
this is happening.

Well, let us not dwell on
the secret homosexual life

between me and...

Sweet louie.

Oh, dear God.

You are so sweet to come
here and support your dad.

Your big, gay dad!

Yeah, I need to stop this.

Oh. Just let him grieve.

It's okay to be sad, Henry.

Do you feel like
you need to mourn?

Yes.

I should not be alone right now.

Okay.

How can this be?
We shared a woman in Peru!

Steve!

I just watched.

Yes, he told me about that,
but I... I forgave him.

Let us close our eyes

And have a moment of silence.

Close your eyes.
Keep 'em closed.

Grieving, remembering
the good times

While I say to sweet louie

the way he would've wanted.

[mock sobbing]
Louie!

Now we'll count back from ten.

The way louie and I used to
before we commenced tickling.

Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six, five, four...

Sorry I'm late. I'm Ed.
I was louie's sponsor.

Ed.

They'll be surprised
to see you.

- Hey, dad.
- Hey!

There's your jacket.
You're welcome.

Oh! You found my jacket.

- Mm-hmm.
- Where was it?

In a large wooden box.

Well, I, uh...

I hope you didn't go
through too much trouble--

Not too much.

Vince, wait!

Look, I'm sorry, Bonnie.
I can't let this go.

Sweetie, I already told you
it meant nothing.

He was a horrible kisser.
It was like kissing a dead fish.

You have nothing
to be threatened by.

I've already made up my mind, okay?
I'm gonna handle this.

Vince, what are you gonna do?

- Gonna settle it man to man.
- Oh!

- Josh.
- Vince!

What's up, dude--

You're right. Lips like a halibut.
Let's get out of here.

That's bizarre.

I don't know.

I thought it was kind
of sweet... Louie.