$#*! My Dad Says (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 2 - Wi-Fight - full transcript

Henry takes matters into his own hands when Ed refuses to allow a wireless Internet connection to be installed in the house. Meanwhile, Vince convinces Bonnie to allow Ed, a retired doctor, to examine her breasts.

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- Good morning.
- Good morning, hey!

I have made you
a tomate salad.

I don't like
tomatoes.

No. You don't
like the tasteess crap...

...they pass of
as tomato...

...at your local
supermarket.

These babies...

...are raised with
my own hands.

It is like eating
a child.

So, since you are
such a loving mood.

I've been here for a week now,
and now that I'm all settled in...



...it would really help me out
if we got an Internet hookup.

And before you say
no, I pay for it.

No.

You're not even
gonna consider it?

Oh, I do consider it.
I consider it a no.

- Why can't we get the Internet?
- We don't need Internet.

Well, I do.
I'm a writer.

- I need to do research.
- Research?

I got a complete set...

...of Collier's encyclopedia
in the other room.

That's great.

Still wondering how that
Korean war's gonna turn out.

Get your news the
way I and millions...

...of other Americans
do: the daily paper.



I really need this.

No.

Give me one
good reason.

Okay.

Any new technology leads
to my kids masturbating.

What are you
talking about?

Well, the summer
I got the VCR...

...it was... it was Vince
and... and... and "Porky"'s.

Summer I got cable, it was you
and "The Little Mermaid".

I'm afraid if
we get internet...

...I'll have to move
to higher ground.

Dad...

Try to imagine
the internet...

...not as the masturbation
superhighway...

...but as the main route
that leads from me...

...to every other
part of my life.

My work life,
my social life...

It's all done online.

It's how I'm gonna
get my next job.

It's how I communicate.
Come on. Don't say no.

Okay. Nyet.

Not gonna happen.
Never. Nada. No. Nope.

No, no...
Stradamus.

DivXPlanet

$#*! My Dad Says #01x02 - Wi-Fight

Knock, knock.

I'm just dropping off
your dry cleaning...

...and then I have to go.

Here is your gray vest...

...your gray-ish vest,
and your off-gray vest.

You can wear them all
to the gray pride parade.

Hey-oh!

Did you ask him?

I said I didn't want
to ask him about it...

...because it's
embarrassing.

Ugh. Why is it embarrassing?
Honey, he's a doctor.

We're all adults here.

Look, dad, will you look
at my wife's boob?

- I'm looking at him.
- Okay.

I have got a small rash
in this area right here...

...and Vince thought I
should describe it to you...

...so you could diagnose it.

Oh, wait, I know.

Why don't we just look
it up on the internet?

Oh, wait...

- Let me take a look.
- Mm, no. Yeah.

It's hard enough
showing them to him.

Bonnie, I've been a
doctor for 43 years.

I've seen 811 breasts
in my time.

And I can assure you that yours
will not be the ones...

...I'll be thinking about
when I go to bed tonight.

So if you want me to put
your mind at ease, fine.

If not, I've spent
way too much time talking...

...about your boobs.

Okay, fine.
Let's make it quick.

So how's it going
living with dad?

Oh, I don't know.

This morning I asked him
if we can get Internet...

...and he said no.

But that wasn't good enough,
so then he sang no.

Yeah. Yeah.

I've heard many tracks
off the old "no" album.

Wake me up
before you no-no.

Lucy in the sky with no.

Anyway,
it doesn't matter.

I already called
the phone company.

They're sending
someone out today...

...to install
the internet.

Whoa. No, that's... that's
not gonna go over well.

Come on, the man hates
change. You know that.

Well, he should've
thought about that...

...before he asked
me to move in.

Look, it's fine
you moved in.

Just don't expect him
to accommodate you.

Why not? He accommodates
his vegetables.

In the wintertime...

...he puts stocking caps
on his artichokes.

I'm his son. He doesn't
give me an extra blanket.

Come here,
Henry.

Come on.

Why are you... why are
you holding me so tight?

Dah dah dah.
Wait for it.

- Oh, my God, that's awful!
- Is that so?

All right,
let's take a look.

Oh, God, this is weird.
I mean, shouldn't we talk first?

You want me to buy
you an appletini...

...and tell you,
you look pretty?

I guess it doesn't matter.
Okay.

Okay.

What does it look like?

It looks like a clavicle.
I need to see more.

Okay. Now...
Now what do you see?

Looks like the bottom
of the clavicle.

This is just so weird.

I mean, I've... I've seen you
get a midnight snack in nothing...

...but your t-shirt.

Ugh.
Why did that cookie jar...

...have to be on top
of that fridge?

I just squinted
and told myself...

...it was Winnie the pooh
reaching for a honeypot.

Right now I'm
just your doctor...

...and you're
just my patient.

Now, you're gonna have
to let me examine you.

Just relax.

Okay.
Here goes.

God, I would kill
for an appletini.

Oh, God.

- Uh-oh.

Oh, God.
Doctor, is it bad?

Is it fatal?
Please, I can't die.

I've never kissed
an Asian woman.

What?
No.

It's gonna
be cold tonight...

...and I forgot to put
the blankets on the turnips.

Oh. Oh.
Phew.

Well, disregard that whole
Asian-woman thing.

It's just, you know,
something you say.

Look, I got to tell you,

I think you having the cable guy
come over here...

...is a big mistake.

Henry, the safest way
to get something from dad...

...is to injure yourself.

- What are you talking about?
- It's real simple, Henry.

If you get hurt,
dad will buy you a present.

I don't know
if it's guilt or what...

...but you want the internet,
that's the way to go.

You injure
yourself on purpose?

Not always.
Not always.

Sometimes it's just
a happy accident.

Look, see this?
See that scar?

Fell out of a tree,
broke an elbow...

...Springsteen tickets.

Look at this one.
See that?

Cannonball into
a kiddie pool...

...shattered kneecap...

...limo to my prom.

What's this guy?

That... well,
that's a limo accident...

...'cause dad wouldn't pay
for a driver.

- All done.
- How's Bon?

Oh, she's fine.

Just a harmless
fungus infection.

Don't worry.
It's not contagious.

Tinea versicolor...
treat it with cortisone...

...goes away in
a couple of days.

Tinea versicolor?

Yes. That's the name
of the fungus.

It's very common.

And under
a microscope...

...it looks like spaghetti
and meatballs.

I'm sorry.
It looks like what, now?

When you
magnify the rash...

...it looks like little
stringy white things...

...coming down in a
reddish, viscous fluid...

...with brown, lumpy things
growing inside...

...you know,
spaghetti and meatballs.

Spaghetti and meatballs
on her boob?

Bon, appe-teets.

If you move...

...two things
will happen.

The first, the gun
getting cocked...

...the second,
the inverse of that.

Whoa! Dad!
What the hell?

Henry,
stay out of it!

Call 911. Tell them there's been
a terrible accident!

Dude, I'm just
the internet guy.

Dude, you're
a big dude.

I don't have
internet!

I know. That's
why I called him.

He's putting in the internet.
Put that down.

You called after
I specifically told you not to?

Dad, you're
being ridiculous.

Will you please tell him that
everyone has the Internet now?

Tell him it's my house,
and I make the rules!

It's his house.
He makes the rules.

Why didn't you tell him
about the internet?

He's got a gun pointed
at my wiener.

- He's not gonna shoot you.
- Oh, yes, I will.

- He's just trying to scare you.
- It's working.

Please tell him
that our generation...

...cannot function
without the internet.

I mean, it's true.
He makes a valid point.

You tell him your generation
can't function without wieners!

Again...

Again, he wins.

I use my wiener
for lots of stuff.

I told you
he's not going to shoot you.

I told you I will.

You know what?

Go ahead.

Wait. What?

- Don't you try me, Henry!
- Shoot him.

Dude!

He's bluffing.

He's not gonna shoot you.
Shoot him!

- I will!
- Do it!

- Happy to you!
- Dude!

What are you
waiting for?

Don't call my bluff,
Henry!

This isn't the movies!

Things will get
very messy!

- I'll help you clean up.
- Oh, sure.

The day you clean
something up.

Will you stop stalling
and shoot this guy?

- I will!
- Do it!

Oh, my God.

I will blow this
stoner away!

Oh, for God sakes,
shoot him, or I will!

- Aah!
- Relax.

No one's shooting anybody.
This thing ain't even loaded.

Not cool!
Not cool at all!

What's the matter with you?
What are you thinking of?

Don't you ever grab a gun
out of my hand.

You could've
killed that kid...

...or ruined that picture
of me and Steve Garvey.

I didn't think
you'd actually keep...

...a loaded gun
in the house!

It's not the house!
It's my house...

...and in my house,
we have loaded guns...

...and we don't have internet,
and nothing's going to change!

Things have changed,
dad! I live here!

You can't expect to have
the same life you had...

...before you asked
me to move in.

Then you
change, not me!

If you don't like it,
go move someplace else.

Give me your hand.

Fine. A truce.

Truce, my ass.

I never leave my prints
on a gun that just went off.

Dad...

You don't want
me here, do you?

No, I don't.

Wow. Not even an attempt
at being nice.

No.
I don't want you here.

You're standing
on my radishes.

- It's dirt.
- Dirt? It's earth...

...that's nourishing the radishes
you're trampling on.

Get out.

Nobody eats radishes, dad.
They're salad filler.

Watch your mouth.

Are you done?
'Cause I'm busy.

Fine. I don't know
why I thought moving in...

...with you would
be a good idea.

I'm glad you're here.

Well, you have a really funny
way of showing it.

Showing what?
I'm talking to the tomatoes.

They were battling aphids
all year long.

They barely made it.

Can I ask you a question?

How come you have
a better relationship...

...with your vegetables
than you do with your children?

Because with vegetables,
there are no surprises.

You always know what you're
gonna get when they grow up.

Put a cucumber seed
in the ground...

...it never comes
up a turnip.

I've never had a zucchini
try and change me.

I've never had a carrot
ask me for Internet.

This isn't about
the Internet, dad.

It's about you refusing
to make any compromises for me.

I'm letting you live here,
aren't I?

That's a compromise.
You're letting me stay here.

You are not letting me
live here.

If you're not living here...

...how come the
soap has a beard?

You know what?
You just gave me your answer.

I'm gonna find somewhere else
to live.

Well, look who just grew
a pair.

You're the one
always telling me to fight...

...for what I believe in.

What are you
blithering about?

I'm talking to
the pear tree.

It just grew
it's first pear.

Bon?

Bonnie.

Vince.
Vince, are you okay?

Oh, I just had
a horrible dream.

Oh, that one
where you're in the hot tub...

...with all the women
from the view?

Much worse than that.

No, honey, it's
not a big deal.

I'm just gonna get up,
get ready for work.

Actually, honey,
I was thinking...

...since we don't have to show
any condos until 10:00 A.M...

...you know, maybe we could have
our own little open house...

...right here,
if you know what I mean.

I'm in the market for a 1967
California fixer-upper...

...with strong beams
and a bonus room out back.

Well, market's a little...

Soft right now.

I'm sure we could work
on firming up an offer.

- Oh, oh, oh.
- Come here.

No. No. I...

Wait. Wait.
What are you doing?

- What... uh, what do you mean?
- Why won't you touch me?

Is it the rash?
Is that what's bothering you?

Come on. No.

I don't care about that whole...
S-spaghetti thing.

What spaghetti thing?

You know, how your...

Your rash looks
like spaghetti and m... oh.

What are you...
what are you talking about?

Your rash.

Your rash looks exactly like
spaghetti and meat...

Ah!

Under a microscope.

- How do you know?
- I looked it up online.

And it looks like spaghetti?

And meat... ah!

And so I'm guessing
that bothers you.

No.

Well, then touch
my boobs, Vince.

How about...
how about I just talk to them?

Touch 'em.

Okay.

Oh.

There. Huh?

I have a bone
to pick with you.

Oh. You finally found
your birth certificate.

I didn't want to name you Carol.
I lost a bet.

Um, my real name is...

...Carol?

No.
What's up, Vince?

Dad, I should've never let
you examine my wife.

Now every time I look
at her boobs...

...I think of spaghetti and...
You know what.

Son, during the course
of a marriage...

...your wife's boobs will come
to resemble many things.

Bet you a quarter you'll look
back on the good old days...

...when they only reminded you
of spaghetti and meatballs.

Hey! Can one of you guys
toss me a water?

What the hell
are you doing up there?

I'm up here,
because this is the only place...

...I get a wireless signal.

And right now I'm using it
to find somewhere else to live...

...'cause I'm moving out.

What point
are you trying to make?

I'm not making any point.

I'm just chatting with a guy
online right now...

...who's gonna let me live
in his guesthouse for free.

All I got to do is walk his dog,
water his plants...

And do it in
a giant diaper.

Well, come on down,
and we'll discuss it.

Dad, there's nothing
to discuss.

If you want me to come down,
you're gonna have to agree...

...to start making
some compromises.

Are you giving
me an ultimatum?

Yeah.
Yes, I am.

Well, let me
think about this.

Please, it's really hot
up here.

Will you toss
me a water?

The garden!

I'm not gonna
apologize to you...

...mainly because
I'm not the dumbass...

...who almost
killed himself.

But you made
me realize...

...that if we're gonna
live together...

...I need to
bend a little too.

So if getting the Internet
will stop you...

...from doing dumb crap like going
on the roof to work...

...I can live with that.

Thanks, dad.

I love you too.

I didn't say that.

Jeez!
You're like a woman.

Take a perfectly fine moment
and spoil it with "I love you."

Anyway, I'm glad you fell
on something soft...

...and didn't get hurt.

He landed on me.

Come on,
what do I get?

Get? Who gets something
just because they got hurt?

I got a spare blender.
You want a blender?

I'll take a blender.

- Who's hungry?
- I am.

Okay, spaghetti
and meatballs.

Spaghetti and meatballs.

I get spaghetti
and meatballs...

...and Vince...

...well, Vince
gets a rice cake.

Why doesn't Vince get
spaghetti and meatballs?

Because Vince finds spaghetti
and meatballs repellent.

So Vince won't get spaghetti
and meatballs ever again.

Never?

Not one noodle...

Not one ball.

But I'm...

I'm hungry.

For this?

Yes.

You want it?

I want it bad.

Then eat it,
Vince.

Eat my pasta.

That's it.
There you go. There you go.

There you go. How's that?
How's that, huh?

Huh?

Yeah, yeah.

I want you to burn this
into your brain...

...so you never again
ask me a question as stupid as...

...why do I relate better
to vegetables than people?

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Tell me what it does.

Well, you can look up
anything you want.

What do you like?

I like horses,
beautiful women...

...vegetables.

The rest is gravy.
Oh, I like gravy.

Okay, well,
I'm not gonna look up horses...

...and beautiful women,
because I did that once...

...and I'm still trying
to un-see it.

Let's try this.

What was that?

Check your screen.

"Hellop"?
What's "hellop"?

It's supposed to say "hello."
It's an instant message.

Now you reply.

Okay.
"Hellop" to you.

No, you...
you type it.

- Oh.
- All right, now hit "send."

Good.

That was quick.

You got that?
Yeah.

It's an instant message.

And "freeloader" is one word.

This is great.

You can have a conversation
without talking.

Thanks, dad.

I was talking
to my cucumbers.