$#*! My Dad Says (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

After being laid off from his job writing for a men's magazine, Henry moves in with his cranky, outspoken father, Ed.

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Hey, I need your help.

I'm at dad's.

Because I need to borrow money.

I got laid off.
I'm broke.

You were married to the guy.

What's the best way
to get money from him?

I can't divorce him.

I'm overthinking this.
I haven't seen him in two years.

Maybe he's a different guy.
Maybe he's mellowed.

You know what?
I bet he's changed.

Guts or nuts.
Your choice.

He hasn't changed.

♪ Don't you think
you wanna be ♪

♪ just a little more like me ♪

Why didn't you call first?

Almost decorated my buick
with your balls!

Come on, dad.

You wouldn't do that
to your buick.

I thought you were
one of those jackasses

who show up on my front door
lookin' for a handout.

The elections are coming up.

I'm talking about
the girl scouts.

They're nothing but beggars
with merit badges.

There's nothing worse than
someone coming to your home,

trying to get money out of you.

What brings you to town, Henry?


You know, I just...
I thought you and I

could talk face-to-face.

Here's my face.


This isn't easy for me to say.

Dad, there comes a time
in a young man's life...

son, are you coming out to me?

Because you wouldn't last
a minute in that world.

Your skin's too pasty.
You can't dance.

I'm not gay, dad.

But thanks for letting me know
I'd suck at it.

Then what do you want?

I just...W...

Mom says hi.
She's in Italy.

What's that got to do
with anything?

She was on the phone with me.

Uh, she's doing
the eat pray love tour.

Although I told her if she
wants to get to the love part,

she'd better do
a lot more praying

and a lot less eating.

What's that, a joke?

You think it's funny
to insult the woman

who pushed a giant moron
through a tiny opening?

I did...

And then your visual
kind of killed it for me.

Are we done here?
'Cause I'm going back to bed.

It's the middle of the night!
It's 9:00.

There's still kids
playing outside.

Then play with them.
I'm going to bed!

Okay. Well,
if it's all right with you,

I'll just crash on the couch?

There's a cot in the attic.

- The couch is fine.
- I know the couch is fine.

That's why I don't want you
to sleep in it.

What are we doing here,
playing let's make a deal?

There's no choice!

The cot is in the attic.

Take it or leave.
I'm going to bed.

Wait. I just want
to talk to you for a minute.

You got ten seconds.

Okay. Here it goes.

Dad, there comes a time
in a young man's life...

Good night.

you smug son of a bitch.

That's not news.

An old guy died.
So what?

Now, if he does something
tomorrow, that's news.

Morning, dad.

Why are you walking around

like you're in your third

I'm about to push
a giant complaint

through a tiny opening.

That cot
is really uncomfortable.

You're too good
for that cot now?

A Navy buddy of mine
died on that cot.

That would explain the big
dark stain at the neck.

It's not at the neck.
I turned the bed around.

Quite a guest room
you got there, dad.

Did you hear that noise
coming from the garden

at 5:00 in the morning?

Sounded like two animals

It was.

Me and a raccoon.

I caught him trying to eat
one of my cucumbers.

I grabbed him by the tail

and I windmilled him
into the shed.

Let him think about
what he's done.

Anything else
you wanna complain about?

I'm not complaining.
That's not what I'm doing.

Garden looks great.
Cucumbers are huge.

It's like the land
of the lost out there.

You should see my zucchini.

I think I did last night

when you answered the door
in your jammies.

Your brother and Bonnie
are stopping by

to drop off some groceries
and say hi.

Great. Um...

Do you know how long
they're gonna be staying?

I was hoping you and I can get
some one-on-one time.

Why? Wanna braid
each other's hair

and talk about boys?

No, it's...
Not that, dad.

I just... I...

It doesn't matter.

What's with
the driver's manual?

Oh...My license expires

when I turn 72 next week,

and they're making me take
the whole damn test again.

If I don't pass, I lose
my license for five years.

Well, look,
worse comes to worst,

we get you a bike.

It'll keep you in shape.

A bike?
Take a look out that window.

Does that look like Bangkok?
I'm not getting on any bike!

Knock, knock.

- Shut the door.
- How 'bout hi?

Hi. Shut the door.

Look at this.

San Diego's king and queen
of condos.

Aw, come on, it's not like

we have three townhouses
in escrow.

Because we have four.

Including one
that had a murder in it.


And don't get up
for your daughter-in-law.

I'm just holding
20 pounds of your groceries.

- Did you get my fiber bars?
- Yes.

- Did you get my fiber bread?
- Of course.

Did you get
my high fiber pasta?

Yes, you'll be very happy, ed.

It'll feel like you're pulling

a shipyard rope
through your intestines.


Come here.
Come on.

Come hug your brother
from another mother.

What's up, Vince?

So how are things
at the magazine?

I got laid off and...
Dad doesn't know.

Dad doesn't know what?

How...Hungry I am.

Dad doesn't care.

I see the manual's out.
I'm glad you've been studying.

Yeah, I've been studying.

But, you know,
it's hard to retain.

You get older,
the stuff you wanna keep in you

flows outta you,

stuff you want to flow outta you
stays in you.

Lovely sentiment.
I'm sure you're gonna pass it.

Well, I have to pass,
because if I don't,

I won't be able to drive,

and I'll be stranded out here
all by myself.

Pop. You can always
live with us...Right, Bonnie?

- I'm sorry,

Well, that's something
to think about.

- Where ya going?
- Where I do all my thinking.

Are you crazy?

You just asked him
to move in with us?

Sweetheart, come on, relax.
That's just something you say.

He's never gonna
take us up on the offer.

Well, what if he does?

Can you imagine him
living in our condo?

Think about it.
Think about our sex life!

All the high-pitched

all the weeping.

You wouldn't be able
to do that anymore!

So what happened with the job?

The magazine went under.
I got laid off. I'm broke.

Went through all my savings,

and now I have to
borrow money from dad,

and I don't know how the hell
I'm gonna do it.

What's the big deal?
Just ask him.

I keep trying,

but every time
I'm about to ask him,

I...I just feel like
I'm gonna disappoint him.

Henry, he's your father.

Of course
you're gonna disappoint him.

Mother Teresa
would disappoint him.

She did.
Remember when he met her, vin?

He said it was like talking
to a fig wrapped in a napkin.

I don't see
what the big deal is.

So you disappoint him, so what?

I disappoint him
every minute of every day.

It's different for you, Vince.
You grew up with dad.

I don't have
a relationship with the guy.

Is that what you want?

I didn't think so, but...

Then I see him and, yeah,
I guess I do.

Just wish he gave a crap.

Henry, what exactly
are you looking for?


Just something that shows

that he wants a relationship
with me.

Like what, you want him
to play Peter Gabriel

on a boom box
outside your window?

I don't...

just a gesture.

Any kind of gesture.

Okay, I have news
for you, Henry.

The only gesture
your father makes

is when someone
cuts him off on the freeway.

The gesture you're looking for
ain't happenin'.

So you just gotta
be nice to him,

ask him for the money,
restart your life.

♪ ♪

♪ they're writing songs ♪

♪ of love ♪

♪ but not for me ♪
Okay, dishes are done.

I swept the floors,
wiped down the counters,

so they look nice.

Nice, nice, nice.

I need to disinfect.

Son, sit down.
The house is clean enough.

We didn't accidentally
kill a hooker.

We had brunch.

You know what?
You're right.

Hey. How 'bout we study
for your driver's test?


All right.

Okay. You're involved
in a minor traffic collision

with a parked car,

and you are unable
to locate the owner.

You must, "a"...
What part of town am I in?

I don't know. Downtown.
It's not that important.

I don't like downtown.

It smells of motor oil
and hummus.

Fine. Then...

You're at the store
down the street.

Which store?

The one with the slow kid
who works in produce?

No. The other one.

You know, I like the one
with the slow kid.

He knows his vegetables.

Dad, you were a Navy doctor.

You performed surgeries
in war zones.

Why can't you focus?

♪ It had to be you ♪

Go on.
I'm focused.


It's the song.

What do you know about it?

- I know.
- You don't know.

That's the song you and mom
used to dance to.

How do you know that?
You were five when we split up.

Guess, uh...

You just remember some things.

- What do you need, Henry?
- What do you mean?

Well, you...
Been around all day.

You...Cleaned the house,

helped me study.

What do you need?


Ha ha.

I'm just...Being nice
to my dad, that's all.


If it looks like manure
and smells like manure,

it's either wolf blitzer
or manure.

Would you stop
looking for reasons

to be disappointed in me?

Stop giving me reasons
for being disappointed.

What reasons?
I did everything right.

I did well in college.
I got a good job at a magazine.

The thing went under, and yes,
I got laid off.

I got college loans to pay.
So what?

I need a little help.

Newsflash, dad.
So does half the country.

You know, son, I'd have had
a lot more respect for you

if you'd come right out

and told me what you needed
like a man.

If I wanted somebody
to be nice to me for money,

I'd have rented out the back
room at the winking oyster.

That is so typically you.

You love to be needed, dad,

but when someone
actually needs you,

you lose respect for them.

Which brings me
to my original question...

what do you need?

What do I need?
I need a dad who would for once,

just once,
let me walk out of his home

without feeling worse
than when I walked in.

- You're being dramatic.
- Dramatic?

I haven't seen you
in two years.

You don't even give me
a bed to sleep on!

You put me in the attic
on a tiny cot

that has a bloodstain...
that is a bloodstain, right?

I need to hear you tell me
it's a bloodstain.

It is a bloods...
don't tell me.

I treat you no differently
than anybody else.


I'm not anyone else!
I'm your son.

You're supposed to build me up,
not tear me down.

- I build you up.
- Really?

Did you build me up
that time I got a haircut

and you told me I looked like
a lesbian in the Navy?

A lesbian in the Navy
saved my life!

Did you build me up
when you told me

that my one and only
father's day poem to you

was an affront
to the English language?

- It was!
- I was eight!

- Even an eight-year-old knows
you don't rhyme dad with bat!

Okay, if you ever wonder
why you don't have

a relationship with your kids,
this is why.

I have a perfectly fine
relationship with Vince.

Just today, he asked me to come
and live with him and his wife.

I guarantee if you actually
took him up on the offer,

they'd freak.
You're wrong.

They wouldn't know what to say!

It would just be gibberish
coming out of their mouths.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

And let me give you
a piece of advice...

if you're gonna kiss my ass
for money,

at least put on
a nice shade of lipstick.

I don't even know
what that means!

And is that really
the only reason

you think I'm here...
for money?

Am I wrong?

No, dad.
You're not wrong.

You're right.

You're always right.

You know what your reward is
for being right?

Being alone.

And I'd keep an eye
on your cucumbers.

I let the raccoon out.

He's on the front porch
and looks pissed,

so I'm gonna go out
the back door.

♪ It had to be you ♪

You know, Henry said something
that set me thinking.

I'm all alone out here,

rattling around
in this old house,

so I thought maybe
I'd sell the place,

take you up on your offer,
and come live with you.

What do you say?

I could take the guest room
in the back of the house.

You wouldn't even
know I was there.

- Hmm...
- Blll... uh....

I would help
with the mortgage payments

and my share
of the household expenses.

- Uh, mortgage...
- I...I...


I can't leave this house.

My things are here and...

The garden's here.

So thanks for the offer,

but I'm not gonna
come and live with you.

Oh, are you sure, Ed.
'Cause we have that extra room.

Can you tell me what
the topmost image is?

Two squirrels fornicating.

What the hell does it look like?
It's a gigantic "e."

And the line below that?

Why do I have to keep
identifying letters?

I've been driving for 60 years,

and I've never been rear-ended
by a gigantic "e"!

Clearly, you've never
driven down sesame street.

Mm, mm, mm.

Sss! Ooh!


Would you look at that?

You failed by one
teeny, tiny point.

That is such a shame.

Guess we won't be seeing
your pleasant face

for another five years.

What do you mean, I failed?

Yeah. Maybe you can get
one of those motorized scooters

that my morbidly obese
aunt uses.


You can't fail me.
I've got to be able to drive.

No, no, no.
I can.

It's kinda my job.

But I'm sure you're surrounded
by people that love you

and are dying to drive you
wherever you wanna go,

given that you are
such a delight.

I don't have any people.

Oh, come on.

No, I have no one.

Boy, I've really screwed up.

Look, it's just a driving test.

I'm not talking about
the driving test.

I'm sorry I was rude to you.
You didn't deserve it.

You were just doing your job.

You seem like a perfectly
nice homosexual.

I'd like to think that I am.

I'll let you get on
with your job.


Don't you have any family

that can drive you
where you need to go?

Any kids?
Yeah, but I've...

Screwed that up too.

I'll let you carry on.


I can't believe I'm doing this.

Oops. There.

71. You passed!

Thank you.

You know, my dad
screwed up with me.

Then you know what happened?

He fixed it.

That's the thing...

no matter how old
your kids get,

it's never too late
to be a dad.

Here, you know, I...

I'd like you to have this.
What is it?

Means a great deal to me.
They gave it to me in 'nam...

For sewing a guy's sack
back on.


Hi, dad.

You wanna come and sit down,

have a bowl of grape nuts?

Got a little gift for ya.

I don't want anything.

I just came by to get my stuff.
I'm leaving.

Um...My buddy's gonna let me
crash on his couch.

- Where?
- L.A.

- When?
- Now.

- Why?
- Because.

I see...

So...I'm gonna
get my stuff now.



You sure you don't want
to stick around,

have a bowl of grape nuts?

- I can't.
- Why not?

- I'm going.
- Where?

- L.A.
- When?

- Now!
- Why?


I see...

You know...
You might wanna stick around.

You might like what I got you.

You're not getting it.

This isn't happening.

It was a bad idea for me
to come here.

I was looking for something
that doesn't exist.

So now...I'm leaving.

I don't want anything from you.

Enjoy your life.


You're gonna go, go!

For the record,
I never got ya a gift.

I never asked for one.

Well, I didn't get one.


You gonna get that?
Get what?

- There's someone at the door.
- I didn't hear anything.

I didn't hear that either.

Good luck, Henry.

Dad, why aren't you
answering the door?

- Which door?
- Oh, my God.

I'll get the door.

- I got a mattress delivery.
- Wrong house!

An Ed Goodson
doesn't live here?

Very common name.

"Edison Milford Goodson III"?

A somewhat common name.

Dad? Is this the gift?

No. They've obviously
made a mistake.

Card says, "to Henry.
Enjoy this gift. Dad."

This is getting very eerie.


Why did you get me a bed?

You were complaining about
the bed, so I got you a bed.

- For what?
- To sleep.

- Where?
- Upstairs.

- When?
- Tonight.

- Why?
- Because!

I see...

Dad...Is this your way
of asking me to live here?

Why would I want you
to live here?

You're a pain in the ass
who only wants my money.

You're like a girl scout
without the cookies!

I'm gonna get my stuff.

Just a...Gesture.

Excuse me?

It was a gesture, the bed.

It was just...A gesture.

Why does everything
have to be said?

We'll take the bed.

Thank you.

I'd wait to thank me

until you see where
I put the raccoon.

What the hell are you doing?

Come on, dad.
If I'm gonna be living here,

I gotta be able to use
your record player.

Well, gentle, damn it.

It's not a pair of boobs
on one of your sweaty dates.

♪ It had to be you ♪

remember this?

♪ It had to be...♪

Spin, sway.

Come on, Barb, stay with me!

Why can't someone
do a good impression of me?

If you're gonna do it,
do it right.

♪ It had to be you ♪

Spin, spin.

♪ It had to be you ♪

sway, sway.

I told you Vince wasn't
gonna let you live with him.

He's so full of it.
Don't criticize your brother.

He does the best he can.


I guess we all just do
the best we can.

Not you.

You can do better.

There's still hope for you.

Thanks, dad.

You know, you can be a really
nice guy when you wanna be.

Who is it?

Girl scouts.
Would you like some cookies?

It's shotgun time!