$#*! My Dad Says (2010–2011): Season 0, Episode 0 - Dog Ed Pursuit - full transcript

Typereader? Really?

Must accidentally set my
time machine back in 1955.

Maybe you can set
it back to 1983.

And hand me a condom.

Oh, by the way, henry,
you got a phone call

- from some girl--donna.
- What did she want?

Well, she thinks she may
have lost her self-esteem

when she was with you and
wondered if you found it.

How the hell do I know
what she wants?

This is her number.
It's right there.

Thanks, dad.



But I think I'm
done with donna.

- Oh, too good for donna now.
- You don't even know donna!

Well, I know she can dial
a phone and has a pulse.

That's exactly your league.

I'm 27, dad.

I feel like I should be with
someone a little wilder

right now, you know?

Donna works at
a paint store.

Her area of expertise is beige.

Honestly, donna may be

the most boring person
I have ever met.

You should meet
my son henry.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?



Vince and bonnie.

- Vince and bonnie who?
- What--what--

What are you doing?

I'm sorry. I thought
we were doing a bit.

Why would we be doing a
bit? We're just coming--

I'm just trying to start
the day with some fun.

Oh, I'm vince
[overlapping arguing]

Hey, hey, abbott
and costello.

What do you want?

Uh, well, pop, we
were wondering

if you would like to come
over for dinner tonight.

Oh, well, I'll think about it.

Well, I mean, we've
been in our new place a year,

and you've
never come over,

and it's only two
blocks away, so...

- I'll think about that.
- You know, and we just finished

the new remodel,
and I did it all by myself.

- Yeah, I'll think about that.
- Yeah, but, pop,

every week, you say you're
gonna think about it,

and then every week,
you don't come over, so...

Well, that's something to
think about, isn't it?

There is no call
that is too cold.

There is no property
that can't be sold.

I was put on this earth

for one reason and
one reason only.

So that one day I would make
the biggest commission

in san diego history.

Both: Today is that day.

Have you ever been
so mad at a meter maid

that you chased
him down the street

just to punch
him in the back?

No. Who does that?

[scoffs] No one.

Um, katie, you remember that
la jolla listing you gave me?

I think I can get the
price down to 1.8

if I get a buyer in
the next 48 hours.

Can I get a "what-what"?

Uh, no-no.

I'm taking the
property back.

- What?
- What?

- I changed my mind.
- Why?

[door slams]

- ♪ because
you're the devil ♪

Can you believe that?

That la jolla
listing was, like,

half of my
commission for the year.

I can't believe her.

God, just listen to her.
Do you hear the way she talks?

No lady should
talk like that.

It really chafes
my balls.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Here are our keys.

Root beer's leash
is under the sink,

and there's some little
baggies for his poo.

He's surprisingly
prolific for a little fella,

so you're gonna want to
bring a lot of baggies.

A lot of baggies.

By the way, why do I have
to watch root beer all day?

I have an article due
at the end of the week,

and dad's just sitting at
home, on his typewriter,

writing hate mail to
eleanor roosevelt.

Well, we would ask dad
to watch root beer, but...

But your father doesn't
do anything nice for vince.

Okay, bonnie, that's
not true.

Look, I'm sure if we asked
dad to watch the dog...

He would say he'd
think about it,

which means he's
not gonna do it,

just like he's not coming
over for dinner tonight.

Uh, bon-bon, he's
coming over for dinner.

Wait, let me get
something straight here.

You're upset because dad's
not coming to your house.

That's like being pissed that
your wife's ass is too perfect.

Henry, let's not drag
my ass into this.

Someone took one
of my dr. Peppers.

I'm not pointing
any fingers,

but I want it replaced.

Who are you?

Henry, this is,
uh, katie, our boss.

She's our branch manager.

And this is
henry, my brother-in-law,

who was just leaving.

Oh-ho-ho-ho,
you're katie.

Why? What did
they say about me?

Oh, they said...

They said you are great.

Well, I think
they're great.

In fact, I was just
coming out here

to give them back this
choice listing.

- What?
- What?

So is there a Mrs. Henry?

Well, my dad calls
me Mrs. Henry.

But I'm not married.

Well, I hope you won't
think I'm too forward

if I ask you if
you're eligible,

and by eligible I mean,
are you banging anyone?

Whoa.

Whoa.
You're kind of wild, huh?

You like that?

I think I do.

You know, just today I was saying
I want to meet someone

who has a little
bit of an edge.

Well, I am all corners.

All right.

Well, I'm gonna go let the
bulldog out for a little run.

[laughs]

I know exactly what
you mean by that.

No, I meant I'm gonna go
take their dog for a walk.

Oh, hilarious.

Okay.

Here's the deal-- you
want that listing,

you get that
man-boy back here

in my office by
8:00 for dinner.

And he's dinner.

Root beer, shake.

- Come on, shake.
- What the hell are you doing?

Give him the damn treat.

I don't make you do stupid
crap when I feed you.

I'm trying to
teach him something.

Well, he's a dog.
He doesn't need to know tricks.

He sleeps and
licks his junk.

He should be
teaching us tricks.

By the way, another
girl called you--

- Katie.
- Oh-ho-ho, katie.

This is vince and
bonnie's boss.

I'm going out
with her tonight

so they can get a good listing,
but she's good-looking,

and she seems crazy,

and you know what they
say about crazy chicks.

You got to shoot 'em in the
head, or they won't die.

That's zombies.

Maybe.

[cell phone chimes]

Oh, crap, my editor.

They're cutting my
article by 400 words.

They want me to come
in right now and redo it.

Uh, do you mind
watching the dog?

I'm not babysitting vince
and bonnie's damn dog.

Okay, if you're
not gonna help me out,

I need to figure
out something to do.

Let me think. Let me think.
Let me think. Let me think.

Okay, okay, I know how
this is gonna work out.

[door closes]

He's not coming back.

He learned that from me.

I did that to
my first wife.

Don't stick your
jaw out at me.

You think you're cute, huh?

Doesn't work on me.

I laughed at the end
of old yeller.

That cute stuff may
work on other people,

but not me.

♪ hush, little baby,
don't say a word ♪

♪ daddy's gonna buy
you a mockingbird ♪

♪ and if that mockingbird
don't sing ♪

♪ daddy's gonna buy
you a diamond ring ♪

♪ and if that diamond
ring don't shine ♪

[mutters]

♪ and the home
of the brave ♪

Okay, root beer,
time to go, buddy.

What are you doing?

This isn't one
of your dates.

You don't jump on him the
moment he falls asleep.

I'm taking root beer back
to vince and bonnie's house.

Then I'm going to meet
katie at the office.

Why don't you
leave him here?

'Cause he's not our dog.

But he's happy here.

He's happy anywhere.

He's a dog.

He just sleeps and
licks his junk.

That's the most idiotic
thing I've ever heard.

That's what you said.

I did?

That's funny.

Either way, I'm taking this
dog to vince and bonnie's.

All right, come
here, root beer.

Come here, buddy.
Oh, yeah. All right.

You're leaving without
saying good-bye?

Sorry. Bye, pop.

Not you, dumbass.

Root beer, root beer,

I "ruv" you.

Honey, why are you
setting a place for henry?

He's having dinner
with katie tonight.

I'm setting it for my dad.

Don't do this to yourself this
week. Your dad's not coming.

Bonnie, he's coming
this time, okay?

- I just know it.
- Yeah, just like when you leave

cookies out for santa.

Okay, they get eaten.

- By you.
- You don't know that.

Look, I just know he's gonna
make it this week, okay?

Tell you what,
I'll bet you.

Fine. What do
you want to bet?

- The usual.
- You're on.

[doorbell rings]

Who is it?

- Ed.
- All right.

But no saying "yee-haw"
and no calling your friends

while it's happening.

- There's my boy.
- Hey, dad.

Oh, how's my
favorite fella?

I just--

I missed you, sweetheart.

How are you?

And vince made these
cabinets by hand.

Assembled-- I assembled
them by hand...

With an allen wrench,
you know.

Hey, you ever wondered
who that allen is, huh?

You ever wonder
about that?

I don't know.

- That's funny.
- Thank you.

Yeah. Root beer--

He's holding the bowl while
he drinks with his left paw.

You know what?

Let's put the dog away

- while we have dinner tonight.
- Oh, no, don't do that.

I-I-I'm okay with the dog--
- it's the first time

You've been
here in a year,

and your son's been
waiting for you,

- so I think it's best.
- No, vince is all right

if the dog's out during dinner,
aren't you, vince?

You know what? The
dog's in the crate.

The dog's in the crate.
So we're done.

Let's sit down.
Sit down. Come on.

We're gonna have
a nice family meal,

just the-- just the humans.

Ah, so, pop,

It's your first time here--
what do you think, huh?

It's a great location.
You know what?

We have a view of a place that
has a view of the ocean.

Yeah.

You know, I'm worried about
root beer in that crate.

Those crates aren't
made for dogs.

Well, it's called a
dog crate, so, mm.

Um, pop, can I
ask you something?

Why are you so
crazy about this dog?

I mean, no offense, it's
just I've never seen you

show such interest in
any living thing before.

You know, I'm glad
you asked me that,

'cause I was thinking about
that same thing myself

on my way over here.

- And guess what.
- What?

I had a breakthrough.

It was exhilarating.

I'm listening.

Well, I realized that
my feelings for root beer

Are not about root beer.

I think I'm
trying to make up

for, uh, lost
time with someone else.

You hear that, bon?

Go on, dad.

And, you know, when
I was younger,

there was a special
little guy that needed me.

It's true. There was.

And where was I?

Not there. I was working long
hours at the hospital.

Yeah, I remember that.

I was stern when I
should have been gentle.

I was absent when I
should have been present.

And I couldn't give
him what he needed.

And, um...

Now it's too late to tell him.

Oh, dad, it's never too late.

Come on...

Tell me.

What is it you
want to say to me?

You?

I was talking about
schwarzkopf.

You were talking about
your old dog?

Yeah. I wish I'd been
a better dad to him.

[gasps]

But you can't go back.

So...

Whoo!

Thanks for the, uh, visit.

Uh, dad, you're leaving already?

- I mean, you just got here.
- Yeah, I'm tired.

That breakthrough took
the wind out of me.

[door closes]

Hello?

Katie?

Looking for me?

Hey. There you are.

So I made this reservation
at a really cool--

You're late.

You're gonna pay for that.

Well, I was planning on
paying for everything.

0% interest for the
first six months.

I hope you're in
the mood for italian.

I hope you're in
the mood for irish.

I was gonna wear
the same outfit.

Hmm.

What is going on?

You said you liked it wild, right?

- Did I?
- Yeah.

Oh-ho, 'cause
I meant mild.

You know, like girls
gone mild on pbs.

Shut your stupid,
pretty mouth,

or I will shut it for you.

Please be careful with me.
I have to get up in the morning.

Why? Do you work?

No. I just really want to
wake up in the morning.

What the hell is
wrong with you?

I'm making a sandwich.

You didn't feed
me. I'm hungry.

Do you know how
long vince looked forward

- to you coming over?
- So I came over.

But you didn't come
over to see vince.

You came over
to see the dog.

Well, I had a breakthrough.

The breakthrough had nothing
to do with schwarzkopf.

- Of course it did.
- Think about it.

All that stuff you said
about schwarzkopf,

that you were neglectful,

that you wished you'd
been a better parent,

who do you think you
were really talking about?

Schwarzkopf!

Go deeper.

[deep voice] Schwarzkopf.

Answer me this.

When you lay down
at night in your bed,

before you take out your
heart and put it in its jar,

do you ever have

any remorse about the way you
treated vince when he was a kid?

Not at all. Vince is fine.

Vince is not fine.

Yes, he is.
Both my boys are fine.

Here's your listing.

[spits]

There's my tooth.

What the hell
happened to you?

I went on a date with
her crazy-ass boss.

Well, you said--you said
you wanted someone crazy.

Yeah...

Playboy mansion crazy,
not bates motel crazy.

Hold on. What are
you talking about?

She did something so profound
and so disturbing to me

that it would make german
pornographers blush.

Ouch.

"Ouch" would be the word.

Unfortunately, not the safe word.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

i'm going to go cry
in the shower.

At least vince is fine.

No, Ed, he isn't.

He's still hanging
on to this vague hope

that maybe one day you'll
be as interested in him

as you are in our dog.

Oh, you're being dramatic.

Am I? Think about your
day with root beer.

You showered
him with affection.

You told him how
proud you were of him.

Henry even said that you were
bouncing him on your knee

singing him a lullaby.

Did you ever do any
of that for vince?

I bounced vince on my
knee once when he was three.

Broke my fibula.

It wouldn't have
cost you anything

to sing vince a lullaby.

Dad... You're a doctor.

I'm gonna need you to
come look at something.

Who is xena,
warrior princess?

The correct answer--
who is golda meir?

Damn it.

[knock at door]

- Vince.
- Dog's not here.

Didn't come for
the dog. Is he okay?

He's fine. He's out for
a walk with bonnie.

Ah.

So your wife
said we should bond.

I don't want you to do it just
'cause my wife told you to.

- Okay, then I'm out of here.
- No, dad, you know what?

I'll take it.

Okay? I'll take it.

Okay.

What are we gonna
bond about?

I don't know.
I mean, there's so much.

Where do you start?

Look, dad, um...

I think this might
have been a bad idea.

I mean, I've had all
these expectations

abbout you coming over
here for the first time.

- Vince.
- What?

Put your head on my shoulder.

Dad, what are you doing?

Put your giant head
on my damn shoulder.

All right, fine,
but this is weird.

♪ hush, little baby,
don't say a word ♪

I see what you're going for,
dad, but I'm pushing 40 and...

♪ daddy's gonna buy
you a mockingbird ♪

And I really don't
think that a lull--

♪ and if that mockingbird
don't sing ♪

[yawns]

[humming]

What's going on?

Shh.

He just went down.

Wait, so, donna...

You're telling me there
is no such thing

as pure white paint?

Well, white is a misnomer.

What you're probably talking
about is an ecru, eggshell,

pearl, bone, navajo.

This is fascinating.

What's really fascinating
is that it goes on white,

but when you watch
it dry, it changes hue.

[giggles]

So...

Your job is to watch paint dry?

It's not so much a job
as it is a passion.

I'm totally into this.

Uh...

Let's just take it a little slow.

Let's.