Zapped (2016–2018): Season 3, Episode 2 - Chef - full transcript

Telling ya Herman,
it's a win-win situation.

You get more customers, and I get paid.

I don't need another cook.

Yeah, but...

I've got food from another world.

Boiled eggs.

Scrambled eggs.

Fried eggs.

- We have all those.
- All right, beans on toast then. Whatever.

- It's gotta be better than your fish pie.
- Rubbish. I just made a new one.

To be fair, Herman,
food isn't your strong point.

Along with beer, and running a pub.

Where'd you get the towels?

Right! That's me. I'm
off for a herbal thresh.

I have a romantic
engagement scheduled.

- Not Sally Slobs?
- Slobes! It's Sally Slobes.

- From the sewers?
- She doesn't work in the sewers anymore.

Anyways... an-ons.


Oh come on, Herman. I'll be
the best cook you've ever had.

[SIGHS] All right.

I suppose we can give it a go.


A warrior's word... is his bond.


Budge up, munts!

That's 1 Sov, please. Good
luck in the competition!

- Hello!
- All right?

Type of creature?

- Pear.
- Ah! That's not a pet.

How dare you? Watch this.


And stay!

There, hmm?
Well, I'll put him down.


Right. Well just don't
get your hopes up.

Yeah... Good girl.

Spare a drink for an old thug?



BOTH: Face the foe, feel the fear,
run towards the enemy waving a sword,

and hit him 'til he's dead.

For glory!

- What happened to your hand?
- A run-in with a mountain goblin.

Well... 100 of them.

Killed the lot.

Funny thing...

They were on our side.

Great story.

I made this beauty myself.
Check it out.

6 fingers.

Nice one. This calls for a drink.

So how have you been?

Tough times.

You've done all right for yourself.

Well... it's always quiet at lunchtimes.

To you and me,
and the Mage War Mountain Unit

For glory!

Greetings, Barbara.

Ah, Slasher.

So you are the judge this year...

Indeed I am! Very extremely exciting.


This must be the famous Kimberly.

7 times winner!


She hasn't had her num-nums yet,
have you Kimberly?



That'll be, err, 1 Sov please, Slasher.

You can take it out of my winnings.



Ah, Sally.

Sorry I'm late. I had to
come straight from work.

I thought you got a new job.

I do! I got promoted to major blockages.

So where are we going? Your local?

I... thought, seeing as that it's such
a nice day, we could eat outside.

Out by the dock, somewhere... breezy.

Oh! That sounds lovely.

- Name?
- Kevlar.

and my wife,

and my ex-wife,

and my aunty Susan,

and my son's just moved back in with us.

He's an artist.

Well, hello everybody!

Err, type of creature?

Song Toad.

Go on, Wilson.




Oh, I think we might have
found a contender.

Here's 5 Sovs.

Keep the change.



All right. I have been
to the market, and I'm...

- Customer.
- Brian, this is Svedd.

An old warrior mate of mine.

- Woah! What is that?
- Made it myself.

6 fingers!


Anyway, you are going to
love this. Shepherd's Pie.

Thing is, Brian, there's
a bit of a problem.

It's okay, it's not spicy.

I've sort of... given the job to Svedd.

Right. It's just that you
did promise the job to me.

- He's a bit down on his luck.
- I thought a warrior's word was his bond.

Hang on... why don't you both do it?

What with your extra finger, and your...


It'll be great.

The dream team.

Oh! Err, Slasher.


These are for you.


Crystallised nettles?

How very extremely nice.

They're not from me.

- Oh.
- They're from Kimberly.

Ha. Thank you Kimberly.

After you.

Make way for the judge!

Okay, so I think the way to
make this work is, basically,

I'll do all the cooking,

and you can knock yourself out doing all
the cleaning and washing up and whatnot.

But I used to cook for the men
when we were out on campaign.

Fried grass.

Fried grass! That...

sounds tasty.

Is something burning?


Tell you what. How about
we have a little contest?

Settle this man to man.

Like warriors?

You're on.

Okay, we each cook a meal,

Herman tastes it,

whoever's made the nicest food,

could be me,

could be you. Fried grass, eh?
Gets the job.

And the loser is the kitchen lackey?


- A warrior's word is his bond.
- Good on ya.

You've, err...

set your hand on fire again there.

Let's crack on then, shall we?

- My regular order. You know my routine.
- Of course.

Magical tusk enhancer,

tail curlant, plus

special cheesy treats. [LAUGHS}

I'm very confident the win number
8 is safely in the bag, Slasher.



I might need something extra, this year.

No point leaving anything to chance.

Absolutely not.

May I suggest,
for a very minimal financial uplift,

some porcine pep-tonic,
and some de-tarnishing cream.


I'll be back in an hour.

I love the pet show!

Okay, here we go. Now,
Herman this is mine.

Shepherd's pie. Absolute pub
classic. Guaranteed crowd-pleaser.

- Mmm!
- Yeah.

- Not bad.
- Well, pace yourself,

okay, cos you've got...
whatever this is coming up next.

Svedd, do you want to show
him what you've managed?

Wild rabbit, with a medley of forest
mushrooms, and a side of fried grass.

Fried grass. That takes me back.



Mmm... I'll...

have some more of that.

- Where did you get the rabbit from?
- Oh, I sniffed it out.

This man...

he could sneak up, kill anything.

And that's why we call him...
the Shadow of Death.

Nice one, Svedd.

Unlucky, Brian.

All right Brian, I want the
pots scrubbed, the floor swept,

and the veg peeled, chopped, and diced.

- All right, keep your hand on.
- Now!

I've never known it so still.

Where's the breeze?

Anyways, later on why don't
we go down to the Munty baths,

and have a bit of a scrub-down?

Oh, no. The baths are so unhygienic!

All those people
sitting on things naked,

and you don't know where
any of them have been.


It's so lovely to see you again, Steg.

- I thought of you at work today.
- Really?

- We had this massive blockage...
- Here come the drinks!

Ooh, lovely. Mine's a chocolate floater.


Ooh, that looks great,
doesn't it? Thank you.

Howell. Lovely to see you.

- All right mate?
- Everyone says hello.

Oh yeah?

- Especially my ex-wife.
- Oh, lovely.

So... do you know that it's
the Munty Pet Show this week?

Hmm... yeah, it rings a vague bell.

We're very keen. Wilson,
our Song Toad, does well.

Comes in the top... one.

We're thinking perhaps you could
help with a little magical makeover?

Well, I have to say, Kevlar. That
does not sound strictly legal to me.

I don't think I could...
say no. That's a fat bag!

- Leave it with me.
- Good.

Two more satisfied customers.
Isn't it great?

Not really, no. That
Svedd. He's a bit...

- You know.
- He's fine. He's a lovely bloke.

Just don't mention Deadwood Gorge.

We were surrounded by goblins.

Freezing cold.

The only way to keep warn
was by burning all our clothes.

Next day?

We were even colder.

- Yeah, but Herman...
- Table 4's waiting, Brian.


Herman, come and look at this.

I've got flowers, and
toffee pears, and

jewellery, and perfume,


Agh! That's strong!

- Where's all this from?
- Entrants to the Munty Pet Show.

It really does bring
out the best in people.

You do know why people are
giving you this stuff, don't ya?

- Because they like me.
- It's bribes, Barbara,

They're trying to influence you.
It's all rigged. Sally was saying so.

- Is that your ex-girlfriend?
- No no, we're going on a 2nd date.

She can't get enough of The Steg.


That is very extremely awful.

I don't want any of it.


I could take this off ya hands.

Service up! Two pies, one pork
without sauce, one fish with extra sauce,

two rabbit purines,
one hare salad without pear.

- Now! How long for table 2?
- Err, which one's that?

- The double kidneys! Come on, Brian!
- Ahh, do you know what?

I've had enough! Okay? I quit.

I don't think so, Brian.

- Get back to your post.
- All right, steady on.

It's only cooking.

It's not like we're... tracked by goblins,
having to set fire to our own clothes.

Deadwood Gorge...

Stay with me, Brian.

I need you now.

If we stand still, we die.

- Bit weird.
- They're out there!

They're out there,
we'll fight 'til the last man.

Here they come!

Kill the goblins...

Kill them! is buzzing!
Guess who just booked.

Only Quincy Peacock from the Munty Gazette.

He gives us a good
review and we are made.

My dream team.

This is it Brian. You and
me against the world.

We win, or we die trying.

There is no escape.


I believe you have
a reservation for me.

Quincy Peacock.

Mr Peacock. I have
the perfect seat for you.

Not near the door.

- How about near the fire?
- Too hot.

Ah ah ah, here. Perfect.


The landlord flapped around, feebly,
like a pigeon on a troll's mouth.

How something to start?


Herman. Can I have a word, please?

Not now. This is Quincy Peacock.

The famous critic.

Oh! Oh yeah, here.
There you go.

The boy just seemed as
confused as a troll reading a book.

- Get back to the kitchen!
- Bring me the specials.

I hardly need remind you.
One bad review from me,

and the restaurant could close
faster than a troll leaving a bookshop.

Oh, please.

Drink while you're waiting?

Right Kevlar. All your
Song Toad essentials.

Some voice enhancing nostrum.
Should bring out a lovely vibrato.

Some throat lozenges, and how about

some fast-acting wart
cream for extra warts?

Yeah? I'll go get some!

Thank you Howell.
We're all very grateful.

Especially my ex-wife.



One pot of fast-acting...



Pile... cream.

It's not for me. It's
for my Uncle Derek.

- What brings you here, Slasher?
- Me?

I... came... for...


- Cream?
- Cream.

Ointment, tonic, and cheesy treats,




We're throwing everything at it!

So. Everyone's got all
the pile products they need.

I would avoid spicy food,

and try not to sit on cold,
hard surfaces.

If it's still there on 2 days time,
I would seek proper...



I hate the Pet Show.


[WHISPERS] Hurry up.

All right?

It's a bit salty.

Whoops. Oh dear.



I've been looking for that!

There ya go, mate.
Get ya chops round that.

Howell. We need to have a
rather uncomfortable conversation.

Oh Barbara. I always
knew this day would come.

When a mummy frog loves a daddy
frog very, very much indeed.

she bites its head off,
and lays an egg in his throat.

- No, not that.
- Oh.

Certain people that I know,

are trying to influence the
results of the Munty Pet Show.

- I can explain....
- Slasher, and Kevlar.

That is appalling.

I am appalled,

at how appalling that is. The sheer
appalination of that news...

It's appalatory.

- It's bad
- I just want to make sure

that the competition this year is totally,
completely, utterly fair.

Good for you, Barbara.
Well, thanks for popping in.

- No, Howell, I need your help.
- Oh. Really?

Do you have ideas?

Hover gloves.

No. About the pet show.

Two questions for you, Barbara.

Question 1: Will the result
of the Munts Pet Show

be on your shoulders
and your shoulders alone?

- Yes.
- Question 2: Is this paid work?

- I have this.
- Oh ho ho...

I'd have done it for nothing,
but I don't want to insult you

and throw it back in your face.

Howell! You are a loyal friend.

You wanted to see me, Kevlar?

Aunty Susan just wanted to make
sure Wilson's still on for 1st place.

- She's a bit of a worrier.
- Let me reassure you, Kevlar.

I have certainly done everything
that is humanly possible, but...

from here on in, it's now
down to Wilson himself, and...

- Good old Lady Luck.
- Luck?

Yes, because the final decision, Kevlar,

is taken by the Head Judge. Barbara.

And let's not forget that
the real fun of the pet show...

is the taking part.

No, Howell. The real fun
of the pet show is winning.

And we will win.


This is the chef, is it?

May I say? I have never
had a meal like this in my life.

It was...

Brilliant. Quite brilliant.

Bold use of seasoning.
Subtle hint of smoked beef.

The bouquet garni being
removed at the last minute,

added a... wonderful cheesy piquancy.

I particularly enjoyed the
unpretentious, no-frills service.

Oh... nice one!

I will be telling the whole of Munty.

The critic was as happy
as a troll burning a book.


Ah... nice one, Svedd!

- You know, it reminds me of the time..
- Not now, Herman.

Ah! Svedd. I was just... erm...

- ch-ch-checking these doors.
- No-one escapes the Shadow of Death.

In the end, the decision is the
judge's. Hers and hers alone.

I want 1st prize!

1st prize, joint-1st prize, highly
commended runner-up. Let's not split hairs.

I think I'll stick with
Best Pet. Don't you?


Is it hot in here?

And you can drop your
pet off in the warehouse.

- Not too late, am I?
- Ah yes. The pear.

You are in 2F.

Oh! I...

dropped this money!

No, I do not accept gifts
or bribes of any description.

Whatever. Waste of time.


See? Like that.




- No.
- Come on mate, I've only had 2 hours sleep



- No.


Hey guys. That review's paying off.

Got our first VIP booking.
Slasher Morgan, plus guest.


Victory's in sight.

I, the Shadow of Death,
will track, will kill, and will cook..

the thing I have tracked and killed.

For glory!


- Steg!


- So. We gonna go to the pub?
- Absolutely.

- Meet your little gang?
- Yeah, yeah. First, erm...


I have a little present for
you. It's a token of my love.

Ooh, that's nice.

- Ooh!
- It's perfume. Luxury perfume.

Oh. You're a keeper.

- Try it.
- I'll save it for later.

No. Try it now. Just a little squirt.

Oh, it's... quite strong.

- Nice though, isn't it?
- Yeah.

That's it. And round the back.


There. And one for luck...

Ooh, wow.

- Let's eat!

In your honour, the chef is gonna
prepare something really amazing.


Well, Slasher. Very nice of
you to invite us all for dinner.

My please, Kevlar. Just wanted to say,
no hard feelings.

Don't get too distressed when
Kimberly makes it 8 wins in a row.

You mean when Wilson takes 1st prize.


I don't think so.


Think so.


Oh right,
I'll just get this out to table 6.

What's that in the duck?

Er, it's err, it's just stuff...
stuffing. It's stuffed with stuffing.

"Please help me. I'm being kept
prisoner in the kitchen by a mentalist."

Oh... I don't know
how that got in there.

It looks like... Herman's
handwriting. It's a bit disrespectful.

Anyway I'll get these
peas out to table 2.

Table 2 didn't order any peas.

Didn't they?

Could've sworn they did,
I just... Oh.



- Howell, where have you been?
- Barbara, I've got a late entrant.

No, I'm sorry Howell, rules are rules.

The thing is, due to a
slight misunderstanding,

I sort of promised... well,
more like guaranteed,

that slasher's pig would
win the competition.

- What?
- And also,

there was a surprisingly
similar misunderstanding,

where I sort of promised...
more like guaranteed

that Kevlar's toad
would win in as well.

- Howell!
- They forced me, Barbara.

With money. I'm the true victim here.

They can't both win the competition.

That's where Fergus comes into it.

- Meet the protector's hedgehog.
- How did you get him?

That's not important. What is
important is that if Fergus wins,

nobody will question the
decision. It's genius! [LAUGHS]

No, Howell. No.

It's got to be a totally,
completely fair competition

Please, Barbara. Please. I'm begging you.


Eyes, cry.


[STUTTERS] I've got...
myself... in this... terrible situation.

I need your help.
You're my oldest friend.

I suppose I could do something.

Eyes, dry.

Great! I'll stick Fergus
in the warehouse.


HOWELL: Crunt!

- Slasher's pig's escaped.

But doesn't that mean...?


It was basically pouring out of this
tube. Honestly, massive big piles of it.

Never seen such an overspill. [LAUGHS]

This is delicious. Do
you wanna try some?

- Are you still wearing gloves at work?
- Yeah. Really thick. Totally waterproof.

So you can imagine how cross I
was when I lost them. Shocker!

- Look, Sally, I really like you, but...
- Me too.

- Sure.
- Such a great evening.

- Yeah, I know...
- I was thinking. Why don't we go...

to the Lake of Serenity?
Have a midnight swim.

Swim? As in, water? Like a big bath?

Yeah, come on, let's do it. Naked.

Bill please, Herman.

Incredibly acute sense
of smell, hedgehogs.

- He's picked up the scent!
- There ya go.


Hedgehog... up!

Hunt.. pig.


It's in the pub!

Look under the tables.
I'll check behind the bar.

Can't be hard to
spot a silver pig.

- Woah!
- ♪ La la la la la la la ♪

What are you doing? Can you
get out of the way, please?

- Er, no, no I can't.
- Silver pig?

- Yes. I know.
- Slasher's silver pig.

- I know. I'm trying to take it over.
- It's slasher's pet, Kimberly.

What's the hold-up?
Where's Slasher's foo...

Oh God. What are we gonna do?

Howell. Can't we do a
bit of the old alakazam?

It's cooked, Brian.
Just like we will be.

I'll get this back
in the kitchen.

Take that across to table 4.


You know what? I
shouldn't be doing this.

You should. For glory.

For glory! You're right.

Victory... will be mine.

Behold! Slow roast...

silver pig. Sourced, slaughtered,
and butchered by my own hand.


And for the gentleman...

Toad in the hole.

[SHOUTS] Wilson!

Come on.

- Ah. Well, last one in is a wuss.
- Yes!

- Oh no. I missed one.
- What?

I spent all afternoon
clearing that sewage spill

I don't know how I
missed that. It's ginormous!

There's one of my gloves.
Right, come here, you.



Leesh? You won't believe this.

You know that guy I was telling
you about with the crazy eyes?

Yeah, Howell. Turns out he's
been living in the store cupboard.

There's a microwave in here,
there's wine, there's cereal.

I'm gonna send you a picture.




♪ There's something happening here ♪

♪ But what it is ain't exactly clear ♪

♪ There's a man with a gun over there ♪

♪ Telling me I got to beware ♪

♪ I think it's time we stop ♪

♪ Children, what's that sound? ♪

♪ Everybody look - what's going down? ♪