Zapped (2016–2018): Season 2, Episode 4 - full transcript

# And the pears have fallen
from the tree

# The pears have fallen
from the tree

# The juicy pear,
the lovely pear... #

Pear cakes! Lovely pear cakes!
Get your pear cakes here.

Pears be with you!

Pears be with you.

There you go, love,
pears be with you.

May your pear juice be sweet.

Ooh, pin the stalk on the pear, sir?

Win a pair of pears? Yeah? No?

Herman, is there something
going on with pears?

It's All Pear's Eve, Brian.
Isn't it exciting?

Pears be with you.

Then you say,
"May your pear juice be sweet."

OK, I'm gonna come out and say it.
Are pears that great?

You've never experienced
a Munty Pear Fair,

still the biggest and the best.

Yeah, in your face, Pockle, losers.

Come on, Bri, you know,
seven days till the Solstice.

No, I don't know.

You must know about the presentation
of the albino pears.

How would I?

It's the highlight
of the whole fair.

The health of the whole town

is linked to the sacred
albino pear tree.

You know the rhyme?

If the pear tree dies,
Munty lies... ruins.

What, you mean it could
get worse than this?

Oh, busiest time of the year,
I've been rushed off me feet!

Well, can I get a job?
All covered, thanks.

I need the money to get to
the City of a Thousand Towers.

It's my ticket out of here.

You could always be
Mr Apples in the Pear Parade.

What does he do?
Gets pelted with pears.

There must be an easier way
to make money.

Well, there's always a game
of cards, they're playing now.


Don't interrupt the game,
they've been playing all night.

Yeah, I'll be alright.
Slasher's in there.

Yeah, I'll wait.

Drinking on duty, Howell?

Uh, no, Slasher,
this is a cheat detecting potion.

All clear.

Right, time to bid. 50 sovs.


I'm in.


Bwok, bwok?



What's the matter, Steg?
You chicken?

Bwok, bwok, bwok!

Bwok, bwok.

Do warriors beat barbarians?

It's too late, Steg,
you put your money in.

Well, I didn't quite put it in,
I was just...


Kevlar, you in?

Hmm, well, hang on,
I better check with the family.

Uncle Derrek's been outvoted,
we're in.


And that, I believe, is quint.

Pleasure playing with you, Steg.

Nothing nicer than taking money
off people to a cup of pear brandy.

Pears be with you.
Pears be with you.

Looks like it's only
you and me, Kevlar.

Good idea, Aunty Susan.

We'd like to double the stake.

Thus splitting
the organisation into two halves,

the Seers' Guild of Munty
and the Munty Seers' Guild.

They remerged later that day.


OK, final question.

What is the soothsayer's moto?

Never tell, always foretell.


I'm going to
get into the Seers' Guild!

How come?

There's a special exam tomorrow
because of the Super Solstice.

Yeah, what is that?

It's when the Solstice
coincides with the full moon.

Hardly ever happens.

All I have to do
to get into the Guild

is memorise
the Complete History Of Soothsaying,

and I have done that.

Well, you've certainly
memorised Volume One.


Volume One.

Not got the others?


Your bet.

Better just check with my wife,
and ex-wife. Awkward!

Bit frosty.

We're in.


OK. I'll meet you.


Three candles. Quint.


Full platoon.

Uber quint.

Bad luck, Morgan,
it's just the way it goes sometimes.

Exactly, Uncle Derrek.

I've got to go,
I got a table for six booked.

I demand a rematch tomorrow night,
double the stakes, just you and me.

What, all of us?


You're on.

I'm completely cleaned out.

It's just that, when we play it,
warriors always beat barbarians.

Pint, please, Herm.

I thought you said
you were all cleaned out.

Yeah, but come on, it's Pear Fair.

True. Happy Pear Fair.

Yeah, so, drink on the house!


Pear Fair. It's all commercial now.

Right, so I've got two candles,

a barrel and a plough.

So that's a rustic quint, right?

Without a pitchfork?
That's not even a half quint.

You'd be wiped out.

I thought this was supposed to be
an easy way to make money.

Happy All Pear's Eve, gents.
What can I get you?

Pear juice, pear cider?

Don't talk to me about pears.

It's a disgrace, that's what it is.

I've never been sacked
from a job in my life.

Sacked? Where from?

The pear orchard.

You worked at the pear orchard?

Guarding the albino pear tree.

Oh! Brian, these guys are famous!

Not anymore. Sacked.
The day before Pear Fair.

When everyone's on triple time.

Bang goes our Pear's Eve bonus.

What did you get sacked for?

I've no idea,
they're looking for new guards now.

Well, fellas,
these are on the house.


You must have some great stories.

Well, one time,
it was the middle of the night,

we heard a rustling in the bushes.

We thought it might be an intruder,
but it was just a wind.


Of course, if it was an intruder,

we would have had to escort them
off the premises.

Which is something
we easily could have done.


That's amazing.
What about that, hey, Brian?

Brian?! Brian?!

Right then, my creepy friend,
one quarter of mortice leaf

and a clump of Struthian lavender,
five sovs.

Ah, call it six.


the Complete History Of Soothsaying,

you didn't tell me there was
more than one volume!

You didn't ask.
Well, how many are there?


Oh, thank crunt for that,
I'll just take Volume Two.

It's massive!

And the type's tiny!
Yes, it is.

I've got to learn it all
by tomorrow.


Happy All Pear's Eve, may pear...


Everything alright, Slasher?

No, Howell, it isn't alright.


I never lose at cards!

You know what I'm going to do?

Retail therapy?
Everything full price.

I'm going to win tomorrow's game.

Oh, good for you.

With your help.

You're going to win me the game
with an undetectable magical spell.


Sounds risky.


Not as risky as saying no.

What did you make of the interview?


Easy peasy.

Done much of this sort of thing?

Yeah, 20 years pear work
plus five general tree guarding.

Yeah, no, same. Probably more...

Listen up, after a rigorous
interview procedure,

I've chosen new pear guards.

Would the following
please step forward?

Brian Weaver.



And the second successful candidate
here is...

Steg Stegson?


This way.

Right, Herman,
I think I've cracked it.

A completely undetectable
repicturing spell.

No wand required.

Now, I bet you one large
Gentlemen's Frenzy

that my four cards
will beat your four cards.

Turn them over.

Completely undetectable
repicturing spell!

Blanks. That's totally undetectable.


Ah! Crunt.


There it is.

The famous Munty albino pear tree.

Beautiful, isn't it?

And all we have to do is
watch this tree for one night?

That's it.
Remember, if the pear tree dies...

Munty ruins.

Yeah, we know.

On no account
do you leave the orchard

until your shift finishes
at eight o'clock tomorrow morning.

Rations on the table
if you need them.

Pay, 20 sovs plus bonus.


Half up front.

Get the rest
when you clock off, understood?

Yeah, great.

So, your watch begins. Attention!

Munty is relying on you.

Did he go?
Think so.

Shall I go
and check out the rations?

Yeah, we'll go and...

They've got brandy! Bottles of it.

And they've got snacks.


Is this alright, us just digging in?

Yeah, of course it is,
you heard him, they're our rations.


Ooh, that is strong.


You do realise, Brian,
that right now

we are the most important people
in the whole of Munty.

And we've got another
10 sovs coming our way.

Plus bonus.

Top up?

Oh, look, cushions.
And blankets.

Cushions and blankets,
best job ever.

Happy days.

What are you doing?

I'm just watering the tree.

The snacks are so salty.

How much brandy is there left?

It's all gone.

I think I might do
some watering myself.

I think I'll do a bit more marching.

Card, change.


Howell, I am in real trouble.

Me too.

I'm only on page four and
I'm still on the list of contents.

Sorry, Barbara, little bit busy.

Little bit trying-not-to-get-killed
busy, if you must know.

Oh, bang goes the Seers' Guild.

I can't remember it all!
It's a nightmare.

Slasher Morgan is going
to pulverise me unless I...

What did you say?
It's a nightmare.

Before that.
Bang goes the Seers' Guild.

After that.
I can't remember it all.

That's it!

Why am I trying to fix the cards
when I can fix the person?

Slasher just needs her memory
charmed so she can count the cards.

Barbara, I am a genius.

Now, what would Shelborne
say about it all?

Let's have a look-see.

"The tincture of dog warts..."
Yeah, makes sense.

"Emulsify." Yeah, it's just
a question of calibration.

Howell. Howell! What about my exam?!

I'm going to need a guinea pig
to try it out on.


I have a proposal which may well be
to our mutual benefit.

I must say I feel a bit tired.

I've got an idea.

Why don't we guard the tree
but just sitting down?

Just... We'll guard it, you know,
sitting down, just sitting.

Ah, I'll take the first shift.

Would you...?



Don't worry.

I'll just stand here
and I'll check the tree.


I have removed one item
from the tray.

Can you remember what it is?

The cloth.

Uh, no, on the tray.


The thimble.

No, the thimble's still there.

Ooh, a bottle.

There wasn't a bottle.

Hmm, oh.

Oh, I don't know, I give up.

It was this.

Oh! Yes.

I think I'm going to have to
crank up the dosage.



My throat's dry.

That's weird.


Steg, wake up!

What's the matter?

You know the albino pears?

Yeah, yeah.

Are they supposed to turn black
and drop off?


Not like this, then?

They've all come off.

What happened?

All I can remember is...
You pissed on the tree!

Well, so did you.

But only because you gave me
all that brandy to drink!

Well, you ate all the salty snacks.

We have poisoned
the albino pear tree!

When the pear tree dies,
Munty lies... ruins.

OK, look, we've got 90 minutes
until our shift ends,

what shall we do?

Be sick.

OK, 89 minutes.
Right, how about this?

We go and find some ordinary pears,
dunk them in Herman's white paint,

stick them back on the tree,
no-one will ever know the difference.

The pears are in the warehouse.

Let's go.


Actually, I'm just gonna be
a little bit more sick first.

"The following year,
Lord Montague decreed

"that all soothsaying
should be outlawed,

"a directive that led to the great
winter fortune-telling shortage

"as foretold by the great seer,
Wallace the Wise."

Word perfect.

Now, that is a cracking
bit of potion making.

Barbara, congratulations, you're
as good as in the Seers' Guild.

Whoo-hoo! Ooh.

OK, let's give this a go.


What do you think?

It's not bad. I think
we'll get away with this.

Give me a bit more light. Oh!


Agh! Agh! Agh!

OK, Brian, now what?

Run away?

Happy Pear Day.
Pears be with you!

Not now, Herman.
Youse alright?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
we're good, we're good.

Yeah, we're fine.
We're fine.


Uh, we just need to...
Need to, uh...

..head out the back...

..and check on something.
On something. Yeah.


Time to start celebrating, Barbara.

Yes, I am as happy
as Martha the Canny,

leader of the second
Soothsaying Council, was

when her universal system
for tea leaf symbology

was formally adopted.

Eh? Yeah! Good luck.

Happy Pear Day!


Not when the albino pear tree
has been poisoned.


Never happened on our watch.
We never lost a single pear.

If we had, we would have simply
logged it in the lost pear book.

But there was no need
'cause it never happened.

Well, if the pear tree dies,
Munty lies... ruins!

It's already started.

Pear warehouse
has gone up in flames.

Every single pear in Munty
has been destroyed.



"Write down half the population of
Struth and 78% of its soothsayers."

Um, more paper please.

Ladies and gentlemen,
quills down, please.

I'm afraid the Pear Fair
has been cancelled.

"The treaty of the seven armies
came into force..."

This exam is now null and void.

"..commonly known as
the Plague of Cows."

Sorry, could you stop writing,

"The runic alphabet was..."

Stop it! Stop it!

I...I can't. Help me!

Pears be with you.

Two men have been seen
in this vicinity

suspected of poisoning
the albino pear tree.

Death is too good for them.

Correct, Chestnut.
Search the premises.

Best day of the year ruined.

It's the little kiddies
I feel sorry for.

I agree.

Shut it!

Sorry, it's just been
a very difficult time.

Pear sherry?

That's very kind.
Make it a large one.

Shut it! Here we are.

Two guilty men.

Found them hiding in the cellar.

Brian, Steg? There must be
some kind of mistake.

They're wearing
the pear guard uniform.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

That would never happen
on our watch, ever.

Follow me.

Herman. No, Herman.
I'm innocent!

No, it was an accident.
It was a mistake!

I...I can explain.

I'm an innocent man.


Those are the two men I hired,

they must have poisoned the tree
and then run away.

Thought so.

We didn't just run away, we just...

Look, basically, he's in charge.

Shut it!

Right, take them to the cells
and prepare the punching machine.

Maximum spike?

Of course.

Uh, one moment.

Are you completely sure it was
these men who committed the crime?

Of course it was.

Only I'm beginning to remember
a few things that are bothering me.

Take them away.

Do I know you?
No, of course not.

That's what I thought.

Only I remembered we have met before
in Howell's shop just 24 hours ago.

I didn't see your face,

but I remembered your boots.

Red lizard skin. Very distinctive.

What were you buying?

Um, I can't remember.
I can.

Mortice leaf,
and a clump of Struthian lavender.

Two completely innocuous ingredients

but, as I know from
the Complete History Of Soothsaying,

page 658, paragraph three,

"When combined
they create a lethal tree poison."

Not only that,
but on the following page

there is reference to a side effect,
a very specific side effect.

"A livid rash." Check his palms.

A rash!

And we have to ask ourselves,
why the warden

would fire two excellent,
experienced guards

and replace them with two idiots.


Not only that
but two people the warden knew

wouldn't be able to resist
the offer of free drink,

hence the smell of brandy on
their breath at 7:57 this morning.

We just need to head to the...
To the back.

..back there and...
..check on something.

I don't understand why someone
from Munty would poison the tree.

They wouldn't.
But what if they were from...


Yes, the perfect way to ruin
the Munty Pear Fair,

especially if you are one
of Pockle's elite Pear Guard,

identified by
the pear and coiled snake tattoo

on the left forearm.

Well, well, well.

This man is a fraud.

He's even wearing a fake beard.


OK, that's not
but everything else is true.

Yeah, I did try and kill the tree.

I hate the Munty Pear Fair.

I wanted Pockle to be the best,
especially on the Super Solstice.

- Pockle will always be second best.
- Yeah!

You probably burned down
the warehouse as well.

No, I never.

Of course you did, you Pockle scum!

You'll never take me alive.

Take him away. Alive.

Thank crunt for that,

I thought we'd killed the tree
when we pissed on it.



Barbara, oh, you were brilliant.

So, Barbara could remember all that
because of your potion?


Barbara, what happened to
the fifth head of the Seers' Guild?

Ruled for 97 years
and eventually died of boredom.


You'll be able to remember the
position of every card in the pack.

It's definitely undetectable?


Oh, very good, Howell.

Maybe I'll keep you alive after all.


Well, we're here.
You ready for the game, Slasher?

Never readier, Kevlar.

Bring me a bottle
of pear brandy, Herman.

Your bet.

Well, we might as well
all have some pear brandy.

No-one else is gonna drink it now.

This is the worst Pear Fair ever.

Speak for yourself, Herman.

I reckon I've got enough money now

to get me to
the City of a Thousand Towers.

You alright, Barbara?

Yes! I'm just sad about not getting
into the Seers' Guild.

Oh, don't worry, Barbara.

The good news is we've got
a perfect memory potion ready

for the next Super Solstice,

in about 103 years' time.

What's so great
about the Super Solstice anyway?

Lots of weird stuff happens.
Meteor showers, midsummer blizzards.

The thing is, the boundaries
between worlds, Brian,

become very thin, very, very thin.

Well, hang on a minute.

Well, can't I use that
in some way to get me home?

Possibly. You'd still need some
pretty heavy duty magic, though.

Well, that's decided then,

I'm heading to
the City of a Thousand Towers

before the solstice and finding
someone there who can send me home.

But the solstice
is less than a week away.

I don't think that...

You alright, Barbara?


Oooh. That's interesting, Barbara.
Your tongue's gone very thick.

Very thick.

The memory potion must be
reacting to the pear brandy.

Ha! The memory potion.

Pear brandy.

Oh, no.


# Uh-oh, we're in trouble

# Something's come along

# And it's burst our bubble

# Yeah, yeah

# Uh-oh, we're in trouble

# Something's come along

# And it's burst our bubble

# Yeah, yeah

# Uh-oh, we're in trouble

# Gotta get home

# Quick march on the double

# Uh-oh, we're in trouble

# Trouble, trouble, trouble...

# Yeah, yeah

# Uh-oh. #