You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 8 - full transcript

When I saw the images from the
Eagle Nebula, my God, Leonard.

Swirling, almost pulsating

elephant trunks of dust and gas

700 light-years away. Oh.

Ah, the Pillars of Creation.

Spitzer observed a cloud of

supernova shock waves,
suggesting the pillars

Hubble had just photographed
may have actually been destroyed

6,000 years ago.

Oh, what better captures

both the pathetic insignificance
of humanity,

and our own tragic nobility,

than to fall in love
with the ghost of something

we had no chance

of ever knowing
in the first place.


What up, space nerds?

You must be Paul's family.

Oh. Thank you.


Paul forgot to mention
how ravishing you are.

Oh, well, thank you.

And... Vernon. Paul described
you pretty accurately.

- Thanks.
- Uh, I'm Leonard Gilmartin,

but please, call me Gilly.
Everyone does.

- Oh. -Copy that, Gillbo.
- Just Gilly.

I'm the president of
the Pasadena Astronomy Society.

I won an auction
on Eeebs for these.

Hundred bones for a set of four.

Bit pricey, but as a surgeon,

I know how important it is
to be able to see good.

Oh, fabulous. Of course,
you know it's a lunar eclipse.

Agree to disagree.

- Oh, joy! You made it!
- Oh, good.

I'll let you show them
to their room.

Wow, Paul,
this place is trés classy.

Yeah, it's like we're getting
to crash at a Pier 1 Imports,

or something not quite as fancy,
but still good, like a CB2.

I'm so glad you guys came!

I look forward to
the once-a-year family weekend

here at Gilly's
more than just about anything.

Aside from the McRib.

What is it about that sandwich
that haunts me so?

Where's Tallulah?

Becca asked Lindsay to watch her
while we were away.

You said you were gonna ask her.

Oh. Right.

- I did... and she said yes.
- Huh.

- So, that's all set.
- Ah.

I got to shoot off a text
real quick, unrelated.

Follow me to your quarters.

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you
anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪


Blankets and pillows.

And I'm right next door.
We share a bathroom.


I'll let you two settle in.

I'm supposed to help some of the
little ones make a moon cake.

It's actually a sponge cake
with powdered sugar. Shh.

We play our cards right, Bec,

I think we can milk this con
into a European vacay.


Paul probably wants us
to do the insemination

during the eclipse,
like a freaky.

- For sure. What a dingus.
- Ugh.

I bet I can make
my own sandwich here.

Like, they'll probably have one
of those fancy sandwich bars

with all the fixins.
Can you imagine, Bec?

Me with fixins?

I can't even picture it.

♪ ♪

Come on, sport with us.

Get it, honey.

That's out.

Yeah! Nice serve, buddy!

Oh, honey.

Come and get me, Vern.

Oh! Shitballs.

- Did you feel it?
- I did.


I just want to address something
so that there isn't any

dark cumulonimbus sullying
this weekend.

I've been doing some
soul-searching, and I think

we should press pause
on the insemination protocol.

But we're making progress.

I-I feel us getting closer
with every attempt.

Come on,
let's give it one more shot

when the moon eats the sun
or whatever the frig.

The truth is, our primitive
insemination technique,

combined with Rebecca's

geriatric womb, has me
convinced success is improbable.

Did you just call my womb

- Primitive technique?
- Sometimes,

it's just harder
for women of your advanced age.

We faked it!

- What do you mean?
- Nothing! She doesn't mean anything.

I think her geriatric womb
has spread to her brain.

We've never put any
of your semen into my vagina.

We've only been pretending
in order

to string you along
and make more money.

My womb works. It works
like gangbusters, mister.

What did you do with my...?

Your gunk?
I squirted it out the window.

But if it makes you feel
any better,

the ficus in Lindsay's alley
has grown, like, a foot.

This time, we'll actually do it.

And we'll bake you up
a bouncing baby in no time.

Come on. There were mistakes
made on both sides.

On both sides.

Now that the the cold,
hard truth is coming out...

I've already lined up
another surrogate.

She's 24,

is getting her master's,
and was a Division 1

fencing champion.
And the best part?

She's not a no-good,
rotten liar!

You're cheating on us?

this is a lot to take in
right now. We trusted you!

Calling all stargazers!

Lunch is ready!

This is a pleasure for me
to be with all of you.

Oh, well, you're in for it now.

Let's eat, everybody.

Enjoy the cheese, it's imported.

The Mayans believed that

during an eclipse, jaguars would
come out of the earth

and eat the pale people,
pale people like you.

At least my little dick's not
hanging out of my shorts.

Ha! Stupid.


I'm actually glad you found
that 24-year-old.

She sounds great.

Just... be careful, though.

It can be complicated
for a woman,

especially a young one
without children.

Once you see that baby...

it's hard not to be attached.

I see what you're trying to do.

Our trust has been
irrevocably shattered, Becca.

It's over.

I know we betrayed you,

but when it came down to it,
that has never really seemed

like the right way
to create a life...

The bathroom, the cold baster.


I mean...

what if we eliminated
the intermediary device?

Are you suggesting
that you and I...?


I am.

Give us that come, bro!
We'll do it for real this time!

- We promise!
- What is wrong with you two?

She offers to have sex with me,
then you try to intimidate me?

I don't know what type
of reindeer games

you're playing,
but I don't want to join in.

Not in any of them!

Great job, turd.

I was this close to getting
our fish back on the line.

- By offering him your bod?
- You got greedy,

and now our golden goose thinks
my eggs have expired!

Don't blame this on me.

You were enjoying the scam
just as much as I was.

You said you felt like
Annette Bening

- in The Grifters.
- You're the one

that blew up our lives
and put us

in this situation
in the first place!

You didn't just nick an artery.

You nicked any chance
of us being happy again.

You were always a bitch,
but you just got mean, Bec.

Why'd you even marry me
in the first place?

I could be married to Téa Leoni!

You were in line with her
at Jamba Juice! One time!

We shared a moment!
She said, "Cool jacket."

Who knows where
it could have gone.

But instead, I ended up
with a blackhearted witch

who wants nothing to do with me!

I only married you
because you were a doctor

and I wanted
to make Jimmy jealous.

But you even ruined that

by becoming a giant,
worthless zero!

♪ ♪


Do you want to play
a game with me?

Yeah, okay, but no pussin' out
when I stomp you.

I'm an adult grown-up.
That means some shit.

This game?

- Are you even for real right now?
- Mm-hmm.

Look at you.

You're just a chill little dude
who hasn't been kicked

in the nards by life yet.

But you will.

One day when you're
least expecting it... blam!

One second you're the envy
of all the other docs,

'cause you got a hot wife,
vanity plates, two Apple watches

and a podcast in the top
three hundy on Stitcher.

And the next thing you know,
everything's taken away

because your scalpel
accidentally sliced open

a woman's...

juice box.

So you quit. End of story.

Deal the things.

Ooh, I got "chip on shoulder."

"Brain freeze."

No prob.

Damn it!

- My turn.
- That's not... Come on, let me get these brain shits out.

- But it buzzed.
- The shit's rigged!

Let me go again!
You're being awful!

- But it's my turn! No!
- Getting the brains! I'm getting the brains.

- But it's my turn!
- I'm getting the brains. I am a grown-up!


If you already have
that 24-year-old lined up,

why'd you ask us
to come for the weekend?

You were the only people

I wanted to share
this weekend with.

I thought we were family.

I'm sorry, Paul.


Let me recalibrate it for you.

You know, at the end of the day,

it's probably for the best.

I mean, if I had your baby,

we'd probably end up
on Jerry Springer.

"Woman pregnant with
sister's ex-husband's child."

Also, you divorced Lindsay
for a reason...

Not to then have her
in your life forever.

You're right.

This probably is for the best.

Doctor! What did you do?

We're losing her!


Dr. Barbara! Dear God!

Giant, worthless zero!
I wish I never married you.

Just to make Jimmy jealous.

Hey, cool jacket.

I'm Téa Leoni.
I'm Téa Leoni.

Cool jacket.

So sexy.

Is that really Mercury?

Believe it or not, it's
actually one of the few planets

that's easier to see
in daylight.

Want to see
the stunning siren herself,


There she is.

Let me see. I want to see.



You have the same
anti-helical folds as Lindsay.

How would you know that?

No. It's your ears.

- Oh.
- Right here.

Let me show you
its terrestrial functions.

- Hmm.
- We actually have a fighting chance

of seeing your house from here.

I mean... former house.

I think I just saw...

I got to go.



Good Lord! What did you do?

I threw this heavy-ass rock in,

but then changed my mind
at the last sec,

so now I'm doing this,
which sucks! Help me!

If I don't make it,
I need you to do me a favor.

You're gonna make it.

Listen, it's
for Becca and Tallulah.

I want them to know
I was a good man.

Which is why I need you

to delete my browser history
and all my bookmarks

and my Dropbox,

- maybe burn the laptop.
- Huh?

Please, Paul! First thing,
maybe even before you call 911.

Pull harder!


♪ ♪

- Ah.
- Thanks for saving my life.


That really
should've been easier for you.

I'll hook you up
with some Joe Rogan supplements.

Family discount.

You're right.

I'm worthless.

I thought at least
if I was dead,

then you'd get
the life insurance money.

But then I 'membered
I never switched the auto-pay

to the new card
after I left the old one

at that churro stand
at Six Flags.

Also, the new card
would've bounced

on account of we're broke.

So I guess I'm worthless,
dead or alive.

You're worth something to me.

I'm so pathetic.

Being pregnant is the only time

I've ever really felt special.

I mean, since I stopped
playing Clarissa

on the Nickelodeon cruise.

You're always special.

Even when you're being
a huge bitch.


Remember before
when you said that thing

about only wanting
to get knocked up

because it made you
feel special?

Well, if we're keeping it 100...

I was stalling.

Yeah, at first just for
the money, but then I realized

the idea of you being preggers
with someone else's kiddo

kind of made me feel...

like not a man or whatnot.

Anyjunk, feelings are stupid.

Vernon, the fact that you were
even open to the idea

in the first place
just shows how confident

and secure you are.

And that's really sexy.

Sexy, huh?

- Very.
- Here.


Things are gonna get better
for us, just you wait.

Once I get funding for
my Korean medical food truck,

everything's gonna be
coming up Vernon. And Becca.

And Tallulah. Shit.

Well, I believe in you, honey.

I mean, I have to.


- Shitballs.
- Oh! Aw.

Poor baby. Here.

One hour to the eclipse!
I repeat,

one hour to the ecl...

Ladies and gentlemen, boys
and girls, this is the moment

we've all been waiting for.
Are you ready?

- Yes!
- Well, then,

look to the skies!

♪ ♪

It's so neat.



Brilliant! Brilliant!

Absolutely brilliant.

Ah, wonderful.

Eclipses never fail

to cast their magic spells,
do they?

Indeed, they do not.

Please, have a seat.

Did your guests
enjoy themselves?

I think so. It's complicated.

Oh, must be nice to have family.

It's always just been me
and the cosmos.

And the prostitutes.


I've come to understand
that the main attraction

of having Becca as my surrogate
was so, in some small way,

my marriage wouldn't have been
a total waste.

Well, there is no waste
in the universe.

When something comes to an end,
be it a galactic age,

a star or a weekend away,

it is simultaneously
the beginning of something else.

Loss can be hard, but you might
be mourning something

that was never actually there
in the first place.

Yes, maybe this idea you had
of making a new family

slipped through your fingers,

but perhaps there's
something else already there

that you've failed to see.



Yeah. Oh, there.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.


Yeah. Oh.

♪ ♪


- Oh.
- Uh-uh.

Uh, uh...


I got you, bro.


Oh, this is really happening.

Oh, yeah.


Did you know there was
an eclipse last night?

No. Who cares?

I don't know. Dipshits like...

Oh, shit. I conjured them.

Hey, guys.

What are you doing in our diner?

Your diner? I didn't know

you'd gotten into
the restaurant business, Jimmy.

We're just getting b-fast.
Nothing weird about that.

So don't try
to make it weird, okay?

Okay, well,
great bumping into you. Not.

♪ Hold me. ♪

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