You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 6 - full transcript

♪ I remember when ♪

♪ You were a mess ♪

♪ Said we'd look back then ♪

♪ On all of this... ♪

It's absolutely remarkable.

I've never seen anything
like this.

It should be impossible,

but we've tried every option.

Paul ruins every single table.

See, there aren't enough borings
for a boring table.

I mean, we could put him
at the Alzheimer's table,

and they'll forget
how boring he is.

Ugh. I don't want him
at my wedding.

Why can't he just go
to another wedding?

Gretchen, put down the Paul.

This is insane.
We deserve a break

from the mind-numbing drudgery
of wedding planning.

Something fun.

Mailbox baseball
in Beverly Hills?

'Shrooms
at the Museum of Tolerance?

Egging golfers as Griffith Park?

No. Even better.

- Fuck Week.
- Fuck Week.

Fuck Week. For a week,

we can sleep
with whomever we like...

In.

You know, to get it out
of our systems.

Got it. I'm in.

Oh. Well... wonderful.

Ground rules. Safety is
mandatory. Otherwise, no limits.

Anywhere but here and
the Cheesecake Factory bathroom.

That's ours.
2:01 next Sunday, it ends.

Have you done this before?

Good?

Fuck Week?

Fuck Week.

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you
anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

♪ I want to lay you down ♪

♪ So I can hit your split ♪

♪ You know you want to ride it ♪

♪ Come on and ride it ♪

♪ You want to ride it ♪

♪ Come on and ride it ♪

♪ Lay you down. ♪

Oh! Gretch! I have a sitch
with Sam and the guys.

Just leak Sam's tuck shots.

That should buy you
a couple weeks.

They want me to publicize
their new track,

but it's really bad.

Like, Vietnam bad.
Wait. Was Vietnam bad?

Listen, I just really don't
have time to hold your hand

through this one.
Jimmy proposed

that we have sex
with other people for the week!

- Oh!
- Oh, my God, Gretch.

Let's go day-dicking
like we used to.

We'll go to Barney's Beanery,

the Museum of Tolerance,
Trader Joe's on La Brea...

That's the one
with all the hip fuck-dads.

And Runyon Canyon for fit dick.

Mrs. Cutler? Nock Nock is here.

Send him in.

And, by the way,
Mrs. Cutler is my bitch mom.

I have a quick signing meeting.

Let me make this kid's day.

Then you and I can head down
to dick island!

2:00 p.m., Runyon Canyon,
by the dog water fountain.

And remember, Gretch, guys with
golden retrievers eat pussy.

Nock Nock, hi.

I'm Gretchen.
So nice to meet you.

Have a seat.

I'll just jump right in.

Here at Caliber,
we do PR and brand management

for some of the biggest artists
worldwide.

And we want to work with you.

- Congratulations.
- Okay.

Everyone will know your name.

How did you get your name,
by the way?

Been hearing it my whole life.

- Knock-knock jokes?
- Nah.

We didn't have a doorbell.

Or a door.

Okay. Uh, should we
make this "offish"?

Cool. I'll take a look at that
when I hear your full pitch.

Strategy,

targets, concept art.

Of course.

Sure. My full pitch.

Great. We'll set something up.

Fu...

♪ Drug song ♪

♪ It's my drug song ♪

- ♪ Drug song... ♪
- JIMMY: Well, this is

an incongruous costume for you...
"Person Who Cares About Work."

This signing should
be a layup, but no.

The hillbilly marathoned
Shark Tank,

and now he knows
what a pitch is.

And now that Yvette
made me care about my job,

- I have to land him,
and I hate it.

Oh. Booty text?

Sam. He's pissed he hasn't heard

their song on the radio yet.

Huh.

Oh. Sorry.

- This is awkward.
- No!

It's Fuck Week.

As soon as I get this goddamn
pitch done, I'm gonna be

balls deep in balls.

Thanks, Edgar.

Then,

the day your new video drops,

only your face... not your name...
Is on billboards.

People will look up and ask...

"Who's there?"

Nock Nock.

Good job. I can see
you worked real hard.

Great. Then let's sign
that contract.

Listen, Gretchen,
there's something

you got to know about me.

I made everything out of dirt.
Whole scratch.

I'm out here alone
since I was 15.

Mushing. Rectify.

"Knock Knock." "Come in."
You know?

Plus, I got Charles.

I got to take Charles
to volleyball.

I believe in you, Gretchen.

Full heart.

What the hell, Gretch?!

I actually had to hike yesterday

because I thought
I went to the wrong side.

- You didn't get laid?
- Of course I got laid.

- Did he have a golden retriever?
- No.

A Rottweiler.

Jesus, are you okay?

- Sam's on the phone for you.
- She's not here!

I killed Sam's garbage track.

Wait a sec.

You killed it as in
you called every radio station

and media outlet and convinced
them not to play the track

even though
they'd already received it?

And I still found time
to get all in it.

Ugh. You know what?
You're right.

You and Jimmy
are both pulling tail.

- Screw this.
- There's my girl.

Tomorrow night, Soho House.

Gretchen goes to slam town.

Come here, say hi. I'm dying.

Oh, uh... Oh,
I should really take a shower.

Jesus, did you bone a catfish?

Oh.
Fuck Week.

- Fuck Week!
- So you're ready

- to finally go out, huh?
- As soon

as I finish
this target monetization strat

for Nock Nock.

If I can increase
his engagement levels,

land him a few
key endorsements...

Ooh! Maybe I can get him
a Waze channel?

I'm not in it

for the money, never have been.

You kidding?

- Ooh!
- Guys!

Guys, I am in a meeting.

Lindsay tanked our release.
Now no one's

gonna hear
our fire-ass track of fire!

I keep telling them
the track isn't ready.

That's not your job,
Messy bitch!

- Guys, that is exactly her job!
- But who the hell is she to

- tell us shit?
- I am your publicist! That's who I am!

She's just some titty girl
who used to hang out with you.

- I'm not some titty girl. That's insulting.
- And now,

- we're supposed to listen to her? Her?
- I have a job, and

- it's whatever Gretchen just said it was. Yes you are!
- Her?

May I hear the track?

♪ Stand around
while you watch ♪

- ♪ How the cookie crumbles,
people now ♪ -♪ Cookie! ♪

♪ All your tracks,
mostly made of mumbles ♪

♪ Free-associatin' shit
like a poet ♪

- ♪ Poetry! ♪
- ♪ Lookin' fly in my whip... ♪

- Forget we added
that cookie line.

That is so bad. What were
you guys even going for?

We've been getting a lot
of moms at our shows,

and... they're not even
coming to the after-party.

We're losing relevance, bitch!

Like Alanis Morissette
after Jagged Little Pill.

You got a wild track in there,

but there's all this shit
covering it.

You got Corn Flakes
and Lucky Charms

and Cocoa Puffs.

But I just want
a taste the milk.

- Who the hell is this kid!
- Guys...

I told Lindsay to hold off
on releasing the song,

because I wanted to link
you guys up with Nock Nock.

He's untested
but very promising.

I think a collab with him

could help you get your track
where you want it.

I don't know this corny,
cereal-ass bitch!

- Ah, yeah.
- He gets half a million

monthly listens on SoundCloud.

Nice to meet you.
Nock Nock, is it?

It'd be an honor
to help you guys out.

Big Titty Dreams got me
through my parents' divorce.

- Oh.
- See? This is a perfect example

of the extra cross-pollination
that Caliber can offer.

I'm in.

- So we good?
- We're not good, Gretch.

You ditched me at Soho House,

and I ended up pegging
an agent from APA.

APA, Gretch.

Oh, shit.
You're on a Fuck Week?

That's why you've been
ignoring my texts?

Yes. Duh.

Next time just say so.

♪ ♪

Thanks, fam.

Okay.

I did it! I got him!
Can you imagine how exciting

this would be
if he were actually good?

We doing this?

Hell yeah.

Oh, these guys are so hot!

I can't wait to put my stuff
in their stuff!

Struggling actors are the best.

They have so much to prove.

Oh, where are those dummies
with our drinks?

They better hurry,
'cause I'm so ready to get down

with their dicks.

You okay?

You're shaking, and your
eyeballs are real shiny.

It's because
I'm so happy we're doing this.

- You?
- Definitely! I am so pumped

to bone down with some strange.

But you don't have to.

You've had a busy week.

My hood is extremely chapped.
But I'm still down if you are.

Unless... you want to go.

I mean...

in a way...

that might be
the crazier thing to do.

No one would see it coming.

I don't wanna do this, either!

Oh, I'm calling it.
Fuck Week's done.

Oh, thank God.

For real, I just want to find
my forever dick, Gretch.

I have this gross feeling.

Maybe I'm actually
fulfilled by my job.

Like, maybe it's not just
someplace for me to go

to nap under my desk anymore.

And instead of celebrating
this win with a bunch of dick,

all I want to do
is go home and tell Jimmy.

Oh, can I crash
at your place tonight?

I'm sick of hearing
Becca and Vernon whisper-fight

over whose turn it is
to rinse out Tallulah's eye.

- Can I borrow your lip balm?
- Mm.

Ah...

Oh, shit.

Ew.

Look at Jimmy's Instagram.
What a pale booty.

Geez, have
some standards, Jimmy.

Good night, Lindser.

Hey, Jimmy,

I forgive you for hooking up
with such a flat butt.

Make room.
I'm coming to spoon you.

Jimmy?

Jim...

♪ ♪

You're Jimmy Shive-Overly!

I love you!

Sorry.

Are you alone?

- Can I join you?
- Sorry, I'm on a deadline.

♪ ♪

♪ Cookin' it, cookin' it,
cookin' it, cookin' it ♪

♪ Cookin' it to the spoon ♪

♪ Catch me, mama ♪

♪ In your trap house
eating macaroons... ♪

There you are. Food's here.

Mnm, yum!

♪ Druggy drug drug song... ♪

Last night was mindboggling.

Am I still a little tender?

Yes.

Well, I didn't know
it could bend that way.

You should be
in Cirque du Soleil.

What, tonight?

I can't believe
you're cheating on Gretchen,

after everything you've

- been through.
- I'm not cheating.

It's Fuck Week.
It's a week during which

- both parties...
- It's in the name.

But, twist:

I am not doing any cocksmanning.

Ho-ho! What?!

I'm abstaining, because
I've already participated

in Fuck Week.

I just did it
before the official kickoff.

- What do you mean?
- Well, having received...

underwhelming fellatio
from a florist,

I've contrived
this brief fermata

in our carnal fealty

to allow Gretchen to get even

- Hmm.
- Without her ever knowing

that there was a connubial
imbalance in the first place.

So you did...

cheat on Gretchen,

and only suggested
Fuck Week as a scam

to get rid of your guilt without
ever owning up to what you did.

- To the simpleton.
- Oh, so, what,

Gretchen sleeps
with a bunch of guys...

Won't you be jealous?

- I am post-jealousy.
- Uh-huh.

But, as it turns out,
Gretchen is too busy with work,

as ludicrous
as that sentence sounds,

thus downgrading my plan
to "flawed."

Just be honest with her.

Be Jimmy.

Hmm. "Being Jimmy"

means that, upon hearing advice
from Dim Roommate Edgar,

I should immediately reject
said advice and do the opposite.

It's settled, then.
I shall double down

and lean into the illusion
to motivate her.

Good backwards advice, Edgar.

You've accidentally
done it again.

All right,

start slow.

Ease into it.

The right amount of suction
is imperative.

Firm, but with an intermediate
amount of pressure.

Bit of moisture
should help it along,

No teeth.

I've done this before, honey.

So, where do you want me?

Right...

here.

Come here, say hi.
I'm dying.

Oh, uh, well,
I should really take a shower.

Yo, why are you playing vids
during Fuck Week?

How do you know about that?

Your girl told me
how much she's fuckin'.

She's probably pregnant by now.

But she hasn't been
doing it at all.

She's been working, nonstop.

- I've observed it myself.
- Fool.

She's putting on a show.

Bitch is a pathological liar

who's weeks away
from getting that ring.

She gonna lie even more now.

Once, when she spilled chocolate
on her pants,

she told the dry cleaners
that she'd shit herself

because she didn't want him
to judge her.

You played yourself, man.

You let the Hamburglar into
McDonald's on the honor system

and you're sitting around here
just playing video games?

Thinking your burgers are safe?
Your burgers

are not safe!

You're so stupid, Jimmy.

Oh!

Game over!

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Your burgers are not safe.

I've lethally miscalculated.

I thought that it would
make it even,

but it's not remotely even.

I have to sleep with
one person, at least.

And Gretchen
is fucking so many guys.

So, so many.

I thought you were
post-jealousy.

I am now mid-post jealousy.

Oh, look! Ecstasy.

Just the elixir I need to get
into the perfect mindset.

Hmm, a bit crumbly.

Better take two
to ensure efficacy.

When was the last time
you wore that jacket?

Hmm, can't have been
that long ago.

Oh, look. My old Zune.

I'm going home.

I get screwed enough at work.

Am I sweating?

Let's go, pal! Open up!

- Dude, come on!
- Night, night. Let's go, buddy.

Pee and go, my man.

Ew.

Rough night, huh, buddy?

Winning!

'Twas a crazy night, indeed.

- You off?
- Of course.

Last day of Fuck Week.

Oh, well.

Go, go have fun.

You're so cool, Jimmy.
I can't wait to marry you.

- Now I'm going to go
get some dick.

Climb on all the dicks.

Thank God Gretchen's finally
getting in the goddamn game.

What do you mean, "finally"?

She called off
her only attempt at Fuck Week

to come home to you,
like a lame-o.

But you were out
squirting on dicks,

like you should be, playa.

Thank God you posted that gross,

pasty-ass girl butt
on your Insta.

It's what finally motivated her
to go dick hunting.

That was my butt.

What?!

That flat-booty bitch was you?

I didn't fuck during Fuck Week.

What?

So neither of you goobers
have been banging at all?

Yeah, Gretchen has.
Sam told me.

She lied to Sam to look cool.

God. You both

are such gigantic losers.

And I'm the only one
who fucked during Fuck Week,

and it wasn't even my Fuck Week.

Well, Gretchen's about to do it.

Yeah, she is.

Thanks to you.

Where are you now?

Jealousy.

Yeah.

♪ I heard ♪

♪ You were going ♪

♪ Down a new way ♪

♪ You say ♪

♪ You've been lost ♪

♪ For awhile now ♪

♪ But you're not sure why ♪

♪ And this... ♪

♪ It sparkled in our eyes... ♪

Wha...?

Oh, you're home.

Jimmy, thank you so much
for suggesting Fuck Week.

Oh, no problem.

No, really.

To be perfectly honest,
it sounded fun,

but I just wasn't feeling it
at first, which worried me.

So tonight I had meaningless sex
with a rando.

Oh. That's great, great to hear.

And, well, Jimmy,
it made me realize

I don't want to do that anymore.

I'm happy being with just you.

And I'm not even lying
to myself, which,

if I'm not lying to someone else
is usually the case.

But it's true.

I just want you.

Did it work for you? You get it
out of your system, too?

I actually realized that I
didn't need it before you did,

so... I didn't partake.

Yes, you did.

The lipstick, the hickey,
the Insta-butt?

Yeah, well, I didn't want
to take Fuck Week away from you,

so I just faked it
for your benefit.

No! No!

Jimmy! But I did,

which means now we're going
into our marriage unequal.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no,
it's... it's okay, it's okay.

I-I got my dick sucked,
so, it's even.

Oh, I thought you didn't
hook up this week.

No, right. No.

Didn't-didn't...
didn't I say I...

I actually had
a small encounter, like,

within the margin of error
of said week.

Margin of error?
What does that mean?

Oh, it's f... it's funny.
Do you remember

when I picked out centerpieces
alone l-last week?

Because I was working.

Yeah. Yeah, well,
while y-you were doing that...

the florist, you know,

she kind of, um...
she sucked my dick.

You... you remember,
because y-you said

that I wasn't...
I wasn't a bad boy.

Remember? So, yeah,
yeah, technically,

it happened before
the commencement.

But that is splitting hairs,

really, because

we both came
to the same conclusion.

That we don't want that anymore.

So, yay, us.

So, wait...

you did all of this...

Suggested Fuck Week,
went to elaborate lengths

to make it seem like
you were fucking...

So I'd fuck someone,
even though I didn't want to,

just so you could
feel better about yourself?

Well, um, uh, I mean,
when you put it that way,

it does sound a bit foolish.

No. I'm impressed.

You are?

Makes me feel better to know
you're as big of a dishonest,

disgusting fucking liar as I am.

Good night, Jimmy.

♪ Yeah, we out here winning,
winning ♪

♪ Been the same
since beginning ♪

♪ Yeah, we out here ♪

♪ Winning, winning,
winning, winning ♪

♪ Been the same
since beginning ♪

♪ I didn't come
to make friends ♪

♪ Got enough of those already ♪

♪ Yeah, remind me
what we came here to do ♪

♪ Get it on our own ♪

♪ Telling you we can't lose ♪

♪ Winning, winning,
winning, winning ♪

♪ Been the same
since beginning ♪

♪ Yeah, we out here winning ♪

♪ Winning, winning, winning ♪

♪ Been the same
since beginning. ♪

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