You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 12 - full transcript

No! Not the tickles!

Come on, honey. Let's go inside.

- I have this pretty stick.
- Oh, it's a cool stick.

This mud was probably
a little too much, huh?

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit! All of it?

And with 24 hours to go.

That was so much work!

An incredible amount
of stupid, idiot work.

- I hate work, and that was...
- Of which I did most.

Okay, now that's
really open for debate.

I'm just saying
that I did all of it.

And not really the point.

This is really my wedding.

My second marriage, I'm eloping.

- No doubt.
- Why isn't Edgar cooking us

some pre-wedding fritters
or some shit?

Oh, he's putting
the finishing touches

on his Best Man Jimmy day.

Yuck. Lindser and I got
to run all over town

getting this face
and body camera-ready.

Do you think I need to...?

No one's gonna
be looking at you.

Literally no one.

You're invisible tomorrow.
No one gives a fuck.

You could die.

I can't believe
how not freaked out I am.

I thought I would be shitting my
pants the day before my wedding,

but I just feel so good

since I came clean to you
about everything.

You have given me a gift
no one has before.


Unconditional acceptance.

Jimmy, it's all I ever wanted.

I finally feel truly safe.

God, I'm genuinely touched.

So safe, in fact...

What are you doing there?

So safe I feel like
I can do anything

and you'll never leave me,
no matter what I do.

Why would you do that?

It's a metaphor for how I can
do anything I want now.

Yeah, a metaphor
I'll be cleaning up.

You know you don't need
to fix my problems, Jimmy.

So you're gonna clean it up?

Cleaning it up
ruins the metaphor.

Paul! Did you get LASIK?

Oh, good Lord. Costume changes?

I guess I won't see you until...

You're walking down the aisle in
hilariously incongruous white?

Kiss, kiss, kiss,

kiss, kiss,

kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!

- Kiss!
- Have sex, have sex,

- have sex, have sex.
- All right.

Let's get this over with.

Don't lose him.

I need that piece of shit
to marry me tomorrow.

I won't.

Ugh! I guess
I'll go get dressed.

Wait! Before you put on
your pants,

where's your favorite place
to go?

- Nowhere.
- That's where we're going.

Are you serious?
I don't have to put on pants?

You can Donald Duck that shit

because this is your day.

Everything is coming to us.

Manis, pedis, facials,
food, booze.

Thank you. I am stupid excited
to hang out with you.

- Same! Extra stupid.
- So...

tell me the haps.

What was it like
munching Yvette's puss?

Oh. Mani-pedis must be early.

Hello... sir?

Sorry, wrong... door.

You have to get rid of her.

I'm serious, whatever it takes.


Gretchen, why aren't you
wearing pants?

Do you not shave above the knee?

I thought you and Daddy
had plans today.

Your father wanted to go
to the Reagan Library,

but I've already been there
so many times.

Hi, Mrs. Cutler.
So nice of you to surprise us.

Gretchen, who is this person?

Is that the right word?

I want to be an ally,
but they make it so hard.

- How's your hotel, Mommy?
- Dreadful.

They put us near the elevator,

so I made them move us.

I had to go out into the hall,

then we were near a baby,
so I...

For your butt.

Sorry! Got to go.

You are bailing on me
the day before my wedding?

I'm sorry.
I love you, I love you.

You're on your own. Sorry!

Is this a built-in couch?

Must be impossible to clean.

And you enjoy walking
on the bare floor?

On the eve of this major
turning point in your life,

we embark on three stops.

This first stop

represents a dream
from your past.

Something you used to talk about

but never got to do.

Sochi 2014.

You wouldn't stop talking
about curling.

No sport more misunderstood.

No players more understandably
hair-trigger defensive

than those of curling.

Fuck yeah.

- ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
- ♪ Too cold ♪

♪ Can't move, too cold ♪

♪ Yes, sir ♪

♪ Too cold ♪

♪ I-Ice cold, watch your steps ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ -♪ I'm
'bout to watch my breath ♪

♪ So cold,
ain't got no threats ♪

♪ Stand firm, arms folded
across my chest ♪

♪ So cold ♪

- ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
- ♪ Too cold ♪

♪ They drop us below zero ♪

♪ We ain't moving,
we too froze ♪

♪ We can't move, we too cold ♪

♪ Can't move, too cold ♪

- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ Can't move ♪

♪ Too cold ♪

♪ We can't move, we too cold ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Can't move, too cold ♪

- ♪ Can't move ♪
- ♪ Too cold ♪

♪ We gon' weather any weather ♪

♪ Won't fall down, no pressure ♪

- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- ♪ Want my ego below zero ♪

♪ When I'm humble, I'm better ♪

♪ Boy, they sick,
get stretched ♪

♪ This cold world
will come get you ♪

♪ They'll pull you down
if you let 'em ♪

♪ The clique froze,
I don't mean ice on the wrist ♪

♪ Though, I mean
we ain't changing ♪

♪ To get dough ♪

♪ Cold don't mean
we ain't lit, though, yo ♪

♪ You might be trippin'
if you see the vision ♪

♪ You catch
at the clique's shows ♪

♪ Fueled by the risen
who's livin' ♪

♪ While others spit fire,
we spit snow... ♪

- ♪ We gon' weather any weather ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Won't fall down, no pressure ♪

♪ Want my ego below zero ♪

♪ When I'm humble, I'm better ♪

♪ We still fly
with no feathers ♪

♪ They'll pull you down
if you let 'em ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Too cold. ♪


Are you... me?

Oh, thank God.

For a second I thought
I was in a Black Swan.

Becca is being reckless
with her health and, therefore,

with the health of my progeny.

She butt-dialed me
from a wine tour.

Gretchen's bitch mom
ruined my day,

so let's sort this sitch out.

Becca? Get over here.

And bring back
all the TP you stole.

Last night I had to wipe
with a sock.

Have you ever
considered curtains?

How's Daddy? Is he playing a lot
of golf? How's his knee?

He's fine. Oh, before I forget,
I need to see the seating chart.

- Now?
- Thank you.

Can you make it bigger?

Go up.

You sat Robert next to his son?
You have to change it.

Who is this Paul person,
and why doesn't he have a table?

What if you moved him...?

No! Paul throws everything off!

I'm sorry.
Uh, the chart took forever.

Do you know
how embarrassing it is

when people ask me about
the menu and the flowers,

and I just have to shrug

and say, "I suppose I'll see"?

Other than that phone call
in the middle of the night

to let me know that you
and Boone were getting married,

you've haven't told me a thing.

You sure we haven't talked
about the wedding since then?


That's really funny,
because I just realized now

that there might have been
an assumption

that I might have
inadvertently forgotten

to set the record straight,

and you might
still think that...

Mommy, I'm marrying Jimmy,
not Boone.

- Mommy, I said I'm...
- I know you're marrying Jimmy.

I'm not a complete idiot.

Oh. Then why are you here?

Our daughter is getting married.

We've had front row seats
to all your mistakes,

so why stop now?

Do you have a saltine?
I'm a bit peckish.

for our second stop, Jimmy,

- this one represents...
- Oh, let me guess. My present.

No. Your present is now,
why would you need to visit it?

No, it's your past again,
but this one is bad.

It's all the anger and stress
and anxiety you've held onto,

and it is time to let it out.

It's a smash room.

A safe way to externally fight
the demons within.

I can see how you might
be drawn to this,

but as someone who lives
his life honestly,

I have no need for a safe space

to vent the impotent rage
I simply do not possess.

("Revolution" by Varg playing)


Ah, yeah!



Studio system!

Signature cocktails!




Do it! Do it!

Do it!

Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it!
Do it! Do it!

I'm getting married, Papa.


Paul, Becca, please keep in mind
what's important is the welfare

of a child that's going
to exist soon,

so let's clear the air
and everyone agree to stop

ruining Paul's baby,
you heinous bitch.

I'm not ruining his baby.

I can't help it if the baby
craves unpasteurized cheese.

- And sushi?
- I didn't eat sushi.

It was sashimi.
Rice goes straight to my hips.

Chillax, dorkus.

It's good to challenge
babies' immune systems.

That's how you make an X-Men.

You agreed to follow
a rigorous meal plan,

to do yoga and Pilates,

to play it trans-vaginal Mozart.

My wife's not jacking it
with that dildo speaker

to play your kid nerd music.

- It's all in the contract.
- Since you brought it up,

I do have a solid legal basis
for increased parental rights

due to the altered method
of insemination.

You want parental rights?

No, I just said I have a legal
basis for parental rights.

Plus, I do have a geriatric womb

and might not ever
get pregnant again.

What if I never get
pregnant again?

I'm not gonna lie, I was hoping
we'd get a do-over someday.

Tallulah's great, but face it,

we're not turning
that boat around.

Vernon, we have
to keep this baby.

I can already feel
how much it loves me.

She's bluffing. When Bec and I
were kids, she would threaten

to kill herself if I didn't
give her my Choco Taco.

Please. Just tell me how much.

Paul, you can't put a price
on a mother's love.

But if you want to put a price
on a mother's love,

- low mid-to-mid six figs all in.
- Six?

If you're not willing
to give everything you have

for this baby,
maybe you don't really want it.

I think you might be right.

- What?
- I love the idea of a child,

but I don't think
I'm ready for the reality.

I think...

I think I'm out.

Thank you, Becca.

- Paul, no.
- I'll be okay.

Maybe I'll take the hundreds
of thousands of dollars

I already put
into a college fund

and use it towards my travels.

Babies are the real trip.
All kinds of new experiences.

The nonstop screaming,
clipping them tiny fingie nails,

not being able
to run out right quick

to see the new Minions movie
'cause some

little dummy might roll over
onto her face and die.

I think it may be best for all

if I begin
my travels immediately.

Paul, you can't leave.
It's your baby.

Wait, Paul! We were bluffing.

I can't do it all over again.
You can't make me.

20 grand, all in.

30, or I kill myself.


- Done.
- Done.

And when she refused to stop
parking in front of our house,

I simply had Enrique change
the sprinklers to go off

right before she had to leave
for work in the morning.

You think this marriage
is a mistake,

and you weren't gonna
say anything?

Do we have to talk about this?

We were having such a nice day.

Actually, we do have
to talk about it,

and we're not having a nice day.
This is a terrible day.

You are my mother,
and yet you refuse

to ever talk to me
about anything real.

I was just telling you all about

the new Oriental family
next door.

Anything real, Mother.

You're so afraid you might hear
something unpleasant.

You always have
to be so provocative.

It's the day
before my fucking wedding,

and you know nothing about me!

- What don't I know about you?
- Seriously?

Let's see, uh,
in high school, I had

more sex in your bed
than you did.

Granny's Homer painting
that's been

in the family for decades?

Fake. I sold the original
to buy acid.

I said that my piano teacher
"bad-touched me"

to get out of a recital.

I'm gonna go have a cigarette.

Congratulations, Gretchen.

You've driven
the help away again.

The hamster didn't escape,
I forgot to feed him.

Abortions? Yup!

I didn't graduate from college.

I know all of this, Gretchen.


No way.
You would have tried to stop me.

When could I ever control you?

When did you ever try?

Did you ever think
that maybe, just maybe,

all the terrible shit I did
was a cry for help?

Your father and I didn't
want to indulge you. -Why not?

You wouldn't have figured out
how to take care of yourself.

I can't take care of myself!

I have been suffering
in the dark

with a severe goddamn mental
illness for my entire life!

Oh, stop it.

Just because you're blue
now and again

does not mean
that you have an illness.

You caught me drowning
my American Girl dolls.

Why didn't you do anything?!

This is really too much.

I tried to kill myself, Mommy.

I did.

When I was 17.

I really wanted to die.
I really did.

I sometimes still do.

You're right.

Nothing we did
was ever enough for you.

Don't you think that
if I had talked to someone

when I was 13 or 17 or 26,

that I would be better now?

That I wouldn't be this person?

What do you want?

Do you want me to hold you

and tell you
that I'm miserable, too?

That I haven't felt love
for your father,

for anyone, in 20 years?

That I would kill
to have an affair

but I'm too scared
of what people might say?

Or worse,
that no one would have me?


Well, I don't.

Everyone's fine.

Life is good, Gretchen.

I don't know
why you have to make it

so difficult for yourself.

I don't make it difficult.
It I difficult.

To be honest, it feels like...

No one wants
to hear these things.

If you insist on sharing them,

you'll just push everyone away.

You're wrong, Mommy.

Maybe it'll push you away,
but not Jimmy.

Last stop on the train.

Is this a private club?

Where powerful people talk
about their mistresses

and topple governments?

Yup. And you're now a member.

It doesn't actually
unlock anything.

You just show it and you get in.

Yep. Enjoy.

No. No, they'll sniff me out.

No, that-that's the point
of this day.

You still think of yourself
as lowly, poor,

undeserving on the outside,
but, Jimmy...

you belong now.

Go ahead.

♪ And it all but seems ♪

♪ My lifetime dreams
have ended ♪

♪ And I know some people hope ♪

♪ They won't come true ♪

♪ On... ♪

♪ Lankershim, Lankershim ♪

♪ I can't start
to live here anymore ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I walk away, I walk away ♪

♪ When someone loves you ♪

♪ But you just can't
figure it out ♪

♪ Just walk away,
just walk away ♪

♪ Just walk away ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh, you walked away,
you walked away. ♪

Carve out sauvignon blanc

in the third trimester,

and you can do whatever you want
with my placenta.

Threaten the well-being
of my child again,

and I'll sue the britches
off of you.

You jerk!

You were gonna leave.

I wasn't serious.

I was calling Becca's bluff,
like you said.

I believed you.
Well done.

Anyway, I'm glad you're staying.

So, I guess I'll see you
tomorrow for the big day.

Give me a call
if you need anything,

or even if you
just want to talk.

Does anybody talk
on the phone anymore?

"Klondike one nine,
patch me through, Midge."

I don't know what you're doing,
but okay.

Bye, Paul.

Did I forget something?

No. You said to call.

Oh. Do you want me
to come back in?


This is nice.

Hey, Paul?


How do fish sleep?

Oh, golly.

It's weirder than you think.

For starters,
fish don't have eyelids.


You're leaving? -I have to go
meet your father at the hotel.

he and the docent got into it

about Reagan's handling of AIDS,

and he's still
a little wound up.

I will see you tomorrow.

- You're still coming?
- You know,

I see young people,
daughters of my friends

struggling with the question
of having children,

and I just want to tell them,

It's not worth it."

- Mom.
- I'm serious.

What pleasure is it?

You don't like me.

Your brother's a child.

You wanted real.

Whatever you think of me,

it's my job to want more for you
than you want for yourself.

But if you need someone
who doesn't push you

and embraces your flaws,

I'm glad you found Jimmy.

I wish you had that, too, Mommy.

See you tomorrow.

What a rush. I was on fire.

They followed my stories.

They understood my obscure
allusions and complex wordplay.

They loved me!

You just found your people,

You found my people.

You know, it is both
infuriating and humbling

how thoughtful
of a friend you are.

You've seen me
at my worst, and yet...

you've always seen my worth.

And still, it took me years,

literally, to see yours.

- It's okay, Jimmy.
- No. No, it's not.

You are and have always been
my best man

and my best friend.

Thanks, Jimmy, I, uh...

I thought this conversation
would be easier

after everything we did today.

I wanted to remind you
how far you've come,

how much you've grown,

so I can say this:

don't marry her.

You told me not to lie to you,

and the truth is,
you can't do it.

You can't marry Gretchen.

No. No, Edgar, we're...
we're in a good place.

I mean, she came clean with me.
She's stopped lying to me.

- For me.
- I don't think it's enough.

Because even when
you tell each other the truth,

you don't do anything about it

and you just end up
hurting each other.

I'm not gonna hurt Gretchen.

Not in ways that count.
She's a tough girl.

- Beautiful. Are those your vows?
- Fuck you.

You guys hold
how you don't judge each other

as this great thing,
but it's really not.

It's just a justification
for your guys' selfishness.

You love each other,
but that's not the same thing

as being good for each other.

- You stop talking.
- I'm sorry, Jimmy.

I'm right.
You know I'm right.

I don't give a shit

what you think
about our relationship.

I never have.

You're pathetic.
You're nothing!

I talked to the venue
and the caterers.

- Stop it.
- And they are willing

to give you half your deposit
back if you cancel now.

We can get in my car
and drive to the desert.

We can drive to San Francisco.
We can just drive wherever,

just as long as you...

- We are done.
- Jimmy.

I don't want to see you
ever again.

You'll destroy each other.

There is no way I'd rather go.

♪ Forever and a day ♪

♪ We'll dream our lives away ♪

♪ Our love is here to stay ♪

♪ Marry me ♪

♪ I'll give you every color
of the rainbow ♪


♪ They'll say it can't be done ♪

♪ But what do they know? ♪

♪ You'll never be alone ♪

♪ And I'm a baritone ♪

♪ Marry me ♪

♪ I'll gaze into your eyes ♪

♪ And say I love you ♪

♪ There'll always be a rainbow
right above you ♪

♪ Forever and a day ♪

♪ We'll watch our children play,
I know... ♪

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH