You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 11 - full transcript

Soda water.

- Lime wedge?
- Nah.

Who am I trying to fool?

Hey there.

Hi.

- Are you staying at the hotel?
- I am.

Yeah, me, too, you know.

I'm, uh, I'm Curtis.

Gretchen.

Wow. I don't think I've ever
actually met a Gretchen.

Well, Curtis, now you have.

Yes, I have.

So, uh, are you...
are you here alone,

or...?

Yes, I... I am alone.

Uh...

I-I guess what I'm asking
in a larger sense is...

single?

Are you, uh...
are you single?

Single like a fox.

Although, I did almost
get married once.

Oh, uh.
Almost.

Well, I mean, would you want to
tell me the story over a drink?

Aw, fuck it.

Whiskey, rocks.

You live exactly once,
right, Curtis?

♪ Theme song plays... --->

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you
anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

*YOU'RE THE WORST*
Season 05 Episode 11

*YOU'RE THE WORST*
Episode Title: "Four Goddamn More Days"

Okay, the final options
for Gretchen's.

"Walk Down", the Aisle music.

"Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba,
"Juicy," Biggie,

"Poison" by Bell Biv DeVoe.

As Shakespeare said,
"Never trust a big butt and a smile."

"Freak on a Leash" by Korn,

- "Marry Me" by Train.
- Oh, nix that one.

I don't want to ruin my mascara
crying too hard.

"Sweet Child of Mine," GNR,

"Relax" by Frankie Goes
To Hollywood.

- You do know that's about butt sex?
- I do.

Madonna, "Like A Virgin,"

"2 Become 1," Spice Girls.
Aw.

"Sabotage," Beastie Boys,
"Waterfalls," TLC.

Oh, too sad. AIDS.
Change it to "No Scrubs."

"Pop That Pussy"
by 2 Live Crew,

"Girls Just Want to Have Lunch"
by Weird Al,

"Maneater" by Hall and Oates

and "Cherry Pie" by Warrant.

- Great list.
- Greatest list.

So, shall we winnow it down?

Oh, gonna have to winnow
lata, playa.

I have to head into the office

before the shitstorm
du jour starts. Oh!

Aw, damn it!

Calgon, right?

Anyway, office drahms.

Debbie's inner-ear problem
is flaring up,

so she's always weaving
when she walks.

And Mike's cat's butt is jacked

after she had
all those baby cats.

Blah, blah, blah.
Work shit.

Yeah, yeah, mi-might I remind
you that your first wedding

is but five days away,

and we still need to choose
the font for the name cards

and pick a punny name
for our signature cocktail.

And we're totally gonna do
all that bullshit,

but again, supes swamped
at wiz-erk.

Yeah, no, that's actually fine,
'cause Edgar and I

have our notes "phoner"
with the studio today.

Because we finished the script.
Which I told you about already.

At which time
your reaction was similarly,

dishearteningly muted.

Cool, bud. See ya.

Huh.

What?

Oh, nothing.

It just doesn't seem like.

Gretchen's very excited
about the wedding.

Edgar.

As clearly evidenced
by not even having time

to close the front door,
Gretchen is incredibly busy

with important work things.

♪ Hey ♪

♪ We go to work, work, work,
work, work, work, work ♪

♪ We go to work, work,
work, work, work, work, work ♪

♪ We go to work ♪

♪ If you want it,
come and get it ♪

♪ We'll break you off some,
we'll break you off some ♪

♪ Say yeah ♪

♪ We ain't come to play around ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ We ain't come to play around ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ If you can't take the heat ♪

♪ Then get out the kitchen ♪

♪ If you can't take the heat,
then get out, get out ♪

♪ Say yeah ♪

♪ Work, work, work,
come on ♪

♪ Work, work, work, yes ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah. ♪

- Hi.
- Hey, everybody.

Hey, guys. Sheila here.

Uh, hi, Sheila.

We just... Are we just waiting
for everyone else, or...?

Uh, we just wanted to say

you two did a great job.

Hey, Sheila, it's Edgar.

We're just a little confused.

Isn't this a notes call?

Yeah, it sounds like
our wires got crossed.

No, we're all set.
Again, amazing work.

So, then, th-the next step
would be...?

Absolutely. Take care, guys.

No notes? Boom!

I don't know, Jimmy.

No notes isn't really a thing,
remember?

I'm gonna call my agent.

Oh, no, Jimmy.

Check Deadline.

Hi, Grace.

The studio's hired Diablo Cody

to adapt my book?!

But we already wrote it.

They probably just
kicked you a draft

to keep the relationship good
while you finish

the other two Peach books.

Sort of how Tom gets
"story by" credit

on all the Reachers.

Oh, guess I haven't seen you
in a while, huh?

My dad sobered up
and found religion for us.

Now I get to wear
this cool sailor's costume,

and I live in a room
above a GameStop on Sunset

- with four other children.
- I left word.

Hey, you know what
I just caught on cable?

Jack Reacher.

It's really good.

You should tell people
it's good.

Can I count on you to
tell people it's good, Jimmy?

Another great living novelist
felled by the studio system,

Like F. Scott Fitzgerald
or Chuck Palahniuk.

How utterly cliché.

Well, at least my better half
is still gainfully employed.

You got the shit?

Why can't I meet you
somewhere normal?

Hit me with the hot work goss.

It turns out, Mike's cat
actually has hemorrhoids.

Debbie took a header
coming out of the bathroom.

Yvette's still a giant bitch
for firing you.

- How's Toilet?
- How would I know?

He's great. Okay?

Gretch, I can't keep doing this.
I think these papers

you're making me steal
may be important.

If they were so important,
why are they in the trash?

Jimmy's never once
looked at your work stuff.

Why do you need Caliber papers

to make him believe
you weren't canned?

I can't let him know
I am losing it

right before the wedding.

I'll tell him after.

Divorce is so much paperwork.

He'll never get around
to that shit.

Stupid Yvette.

I mean, who fires someone right
before their wedding?

You know what?

I am going to march in there
and chew her ass out for you.

Plus, it's only four episodes,

so we can probably watch
it all tonight.

Ooh. Let's order Thai.

Okay. Hey.

You know
what else we should do?

- Rehire Gretchen.
- What?

Hey, where'd your butt go?

I understand that Gretchen
is your friend,

but she royally screwed up.

Did she, though?

She set off
a fire alarm to avoid

disappointing
one of her clients.

That is insane.

I feel like you're upset.

So what color curry
should we get tonight?

Yellow? Red? Blue?

Something came up.

Just now?

Okay.

My own creation,
ripped from my heaving bosom.

No!

Edgar, be a dear and answer
this, will you?

Whoever it is
won't stop calling,

and I'm far too distressed

to synthesize
any sort of cogent thought.

Jimmy's phone. This is Edgar.

Uh-huh, hold on.

The caterer wants
to know if you want

red or white quinoa
in the farro salad.

We'll get back to you.

I'm gonna ask Gretchen.

Caliber PR.

Uh, hi. Gretchen Cutler's
office, please?

You are hearing
this prepared statement

because you called
for Gretchen Cutler,

whose employment
was terminated immediately

upon the incident on the 12th.

If Ms. Cutler has personally
injured or assaul...

I left word.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Good girl.

Time for sleepies.

You get some sleep, okay?
Good night.

Shh...

Hey, you want to help me
find a new apartment?

Bec and I talked Paul into
springing for a sweet Airbnb.

"For the baby." Oops.

I'm supposed
to do the quotes in my head.

- I have a secret.
- Hell, yeah.

Love secrets. Lay it on me.

I'm a lesbian now.

That's, uh...

That's...

That's amazing.

I am so honored that you would
trust me with this. Come here.

Oh.

You outed yourself
to the right hombre.

I'm sort of a lezbo expert.

Not 'cause I'm cranked up
by the idea of two ladies

smushing their titties and boxes
together and whatnots,

- but on account of my two moms.
- Your what, now?

Me being born dead
was mad stressful on my folks.

I survived,
but their marriage didn't.

But it was a stealth blessing

'cause it turns out
my mom is super gay.

And you turned out like this?

Right. That's why I'm so mad
fucking sensitive.

I like Yvette so much.

I've never felt this way about
anyone, not even Dave Navarro.

Plus, I've never dated a woman,

so I don't know
if I'm doing any of this right.

Okay. Let's run through
your relaish right quick.

Oh.

- When... was your last hike?
- Never.

Which Costco do you guys
belong to together?

- None.
- Have you seen Fun Home?

- Huh?
- How many flannels do you own?

- Uh...
- Which Subaru have you test-driven?

- Zero.
- How much did

you
donate to NPR last year?

What's NPR?

What's your favorite
Tegan and Sara album?

- Who?
- Has she made you a chili?

- What?
- A chili... beans, meat, a tomato base.

- A chili, goddamn it.
- We haven't made a chili.

That's it!

You need to do something
to let her know

that you're serious
about being a lesbian.

Three, two...

Wheel of Fortune!

Home just in time for Wheel.

Pretty impressive
how I have my commute

timed so perfectly, huh, Jimbo?

Another crazy one at work today.

You know, Debbie,
from accounting?

She ate shit coming
out of the bathroom.

Really fucked herself up.
Super funny.

Also, Mike's cat's butt
exploded.

Don't you want
to know what's wrong?

Of course.

I was essentially fired
off my own movie,

only to be rewritten
by Diablo Cody. Diablo Cody.

- Juno.
- I do know.

Ever since, I've been
in a depressive spiral.

I hope that you can
still love me through this.

There, there, bud.

It'll be okay.

You know,
I really underestimated

the amount of psychic pain
that depression can inflict.

This really puts your past
flare-ups into context.

It really does.

- ♪ Got a issue ♪
- ♪ Got a issue ♪

- ♪ Better leave it ♪
- ♪ Please ♪

- ♪ I don't really say it
unless I mean it ♪ - ♪ I don't ♪

- ♪ Magazines ain't here for reading ♪
- ♪ Reading ♪

♪ 'Cause now these...
fucking with the meanest ♪ - ♪ Aah! ♪

♪ Since a youngin',
I've been going fucking hammer ♪

- ♪ Don't believe me? Ask my
motherfucking nana ♪ - ♪ Hammer ♪

- ♪ She'll tell you I've been
crazy since pajamas ♪ - ♪ Pajamas ♪

- ♪ Everybody in my crew
go bananas ♪ - Bananas ♪

- ♪ Burn said kill it,
I said why not? ♪ - Why not? ♪

♪ Aim it through the alley,
that's a tight shot ♪

- ♪ Bitch, pussy good,
that's a tight shot ♪ - Tight shot ♪

- ♪ Too bad that my heart... ♪
- Hey, Gretchen.

Hello there.

How are you?

So good.

Work is B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

Debbie from accounting died, so
there's a cake for that later.

And my assistant Mike's cat
has a robot butt.

You know, cool work stuff.

Mm-hmm.

All right.

See ya.

♪ The bells are ringing ♪

♪ For me and my gal ♪

♪ The birds are singing ♪

♪ For me and my gal ♪

♪ Everybody been knowing ♪

♪ To a wedding we're goin'. ♪

I've done it.
I bested my depression.

Gretchen, I gazed
into the eye of the great void

and I said, "Nay",

you shan't take me today, void."

- Hmm.
- Sorry for being such a bummer yesterday.

It was really quite
selfish of me

to burden you
with my sadness like that.

- No worries.
- And now I wholly

empathize with your experience
of depression.

I'm just glad those dark days
are behind us.

- Anyways, I really got to get to...
- I am gonna seize

this glorious day to take care
of manifold wedding tasks.

I can't believe we're getting
married in four days.

Same. Whoa!

- I'm also gonna take
my tux to get pressed.

Would you like me
to take your dress, as well?

Don't worry, I won't peek at it.

- Actually, I don't have one.
- What's that?

No dress, homeboy.
I've been busy.

Work. Got to go, so busy.

Debbie go boom,
cat butt turn for worse.

Bye.

Work it.

Remind the DA that while Lil'
Reba claims in every interview

to be "moving bricks,"
she's nine years old.

Then leak to the source
that Reba is quote:

"Hard as shit and has been
flipping packs

since she was six."

Okay? Uh, yes, and...

Let me call you back.

Lindsay, please.
I really don't have

- time for your...
- Ta-da.

Oh, dear God.

I really like you, Yvette.

I want to go hiking to Costco

with you and buy chili stuff.

Let's make a chili.

Did you seriously think
that putting on

some lesbian minstrel show
would convince me to... what?

I don't even know what you want.

- I want you.
- You're not gay.

Not to mention the fact
that you had an agenda

to get Gretchen hired back.

That's not true! We squished
boxes before you fired Gretchen.

Don't hire her back;
I don't care.

I'm sorry, Lindsay.

Okay, you're right,
maybe I am trying hard

but that's because I love you
so quit the bullshit

and tell me you love me back or
I'll stab you, you fucking cunt.

You know what?

You're fired.

You can't fire me.

There are literal hours
of security footage

of you stealing confidential
documents from the shred bin.

You mean the locked trash?

You also just threatened
to stab me.

- I'm gonna...
- Yeah.

So what am I looking at,
severance package-wise?

Just around?

Ballpark it for me is fine.

- Yo, you got the papers?
- No, Gretchen.

I don't have your papers.

- I quit.
- What? Why?

For you, in solidarity.
I thought you'd be happy.

Four days, Lindsay.

You couldn't hold on
for four Goddamn more days?

No! This has gone too far.

Just tell Jimmy the truth.

If someone really loves you,
they don't get mad,

no matter what you tell them.

Here, watch.

I've been sleeping with Yvette.

And also, I didn't quit;
she fired me.

See?

And I ate her butt.
See? No one cares.

Yvette? You were literally
sleeping with the enemy!

You're not gay.

Well, I thought maybe I was
for a second because I'm lost.

Jesus.

Changed my mind,
maybe you shouldn't tell Jimmy.

Also, she wasn't the enemy.

You actually did
screw up pretty bad.

You caused, like, a hundred
grand worth of water damage

- to that club.
- You sound like a narc.

You're a giant narc bitch
and I have somewhere to be.

- Narc.
- Well, you're a tiny bitch.

And I have nowhere to be.

And you didn't even say
anything about my hair.

It's Paul hair.

What are you doing later?

I don't know! Call me!

Oh, hi.

Um, my friend's a klepto and
I think she just stole a dog.

What? Uh... No.

Uh. These doggos
are all up for adoption

or walking.
We're here every week.

You know, most people
do this for the dogs,

but something tells me
that chick needs

these walks
more than the dogs do.

Some of the dogs actually get
bummed when she shows up.

Like they can smell
the desperation.

Just give me a dog, man.

Make it a real badass one.

You following me, narc?

I'm worried about you, Gretchen.

Why? I'm doing great.

Look how good I am at fetch.

What were you looking for
in the garbage this morning?

- Mind your own business, Edgar.
- You made it my business

when you started
stealing my meds.

- Meds you don't use.
- I don't use them

because they were messing me
up and they're prescribed to me.

Who knows what
they're doing to you.

I do.

They're making life bearable.

Are you insane, monitoring me?

My parents did that
and they were my parents.

And I rejected them
forever for it.

You're just... you.

Like, who the fuck are you even?

Maybe the best thing
for everyone

would be for you

to get the hell out
of our lives for good!

I know you got fired.

Please don't tell Jimmy.

Jimmy doesn't care
about your job.

Edgar, I am begging you.

Don't tell Jimmy.

He will leave me again
and this time, he won't be

- wrong to do it.
- Gretchen, Jesus.

I was really trying at work.

And I still blew it.

Even when I try, I fail.

I always fail.

And I can't fail with Jimmy.

I just... can't.

I won't tell him.

But don't you think
you should be able to?

I'm sorry.

♪ I saw you ♪

♪ Standing there... ♪

Goddamn, homey, work was
straight cray again today.

But I am so stoked I made it
home in time for...

What's up, Jimmy?

Jimmy.

What?

♪ I wonder why, oh why ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ That you were not there ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ You looked so good ♪

I got you a wedding dress.

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ That I stopped
and I stared... ♪

What the...

Jimmy, that's exactly the dress
I didn't know I needed.

How did you...?

♪ Why... ♪

Beat it.

- Can you unzip me, mister?
- Yes, just go.

♪ That day... ♪

Obviously we'll have it
taken in significantly.

Thank you.

♪ I looked for you... ♪

I got fired.

Oh. Well, that's okay.

Really?

Yeah, we'll figure it out.

And if not, Edgar can give us
homeless advice.

Actually, I got fired,
like, two weeks ago.

I've just been pretending to go
to work

like some prideful
Japanese businessman.

Also I stopped talking
to my therapist

and I've been taking
a bunch of random pills.

And even though
I have literally nothing to do,

I just can't bear
to bring myself

to do a single thing
for this wedding.

Our wedding is gonna be amazing.

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ You may not be deep ♪

♪ Ah... ah ♪

♪ This could happen to you,
pretty baby ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Like it happened to me ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh. ♪

Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION.

Sync corrections by srjanapala