You're the Worst (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 1 - full transcript

("Take 5" by Northside playing)

(music continues over headphones)

(door opens, bell rings)

What's new that's in that's good?

(sighs)

You are aware...

that there are over 100 years of cinema

released before this week?

But I'm interested in new releases.

Why?

Why is something new somehow better?

Crystal Pepsi is new, and it sucks.

Can you help me?

Yeah, the new releases
are right over there.

Oh, check out Twister. It's crunk!

(chuckles)

Why are you so terrible to customers?

Because film matters.

There is no other medium
that holds a mirror

to the human condition
as nakedly as film does,

that speaks directly to our pain
and sorrow and joy like cinema.

Nothing else comes close.

Then you obviously haven't listened

to the new Sarah McLachlan album.

When's the last time anyone
even rented anything

from your weird-ass shelf?

♪ What's the image ♪

♪ In your passing image ♪

Where's Space Jam?

All our copies burned up in a fire.

Go away.

♪ ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

(rock music playing)

(beeps)

♪ She's gone, but left her smile ♪

♪ Her innocence just like a child... ♪

Jakey. Jake! It's happening.

♪ I've been away and suddenly ♪

♪ You're a poet musing my return ♪

♪ What I did while I was gone ♪

- ♪ Is none of your concern... ♪
- Who's Jake?

I want to give him my props.

I'm-I'm Jake. (laughs)

- Oh.
- Hi. Jake.

The props are for me. (chuckles)

Hmm. So, you're the plagiarist.

- What?
- I'm working through

Androuet-Jacques Soufflot's list

of seminal cult and obscure films

from Critique de Cinéma,
and you have clearly

just ripped off his entire
list for your section.

I mean, sure, Soufflot
was an inspiration...

I knew it. Sneak.

(chuckles)

M-May I?

Whoa. You'll be done
after you watch these.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm impressed.

That means you made it
through the beheading scene

of Bivouacs of Redemption.

(laughing): Ew! That was so disgusting.

- I know, wasn't it?!
- There was so much blood.

The way his larynx kept flapping.

(laughing)

Oh, here.

(chuckles)

(beeping)

When you're done watching
these, we should get a drink.

Come on, man. You know
that list can never

technically be completed.

The Intransigence of Love.

Oh, come on. That one doesn't count.

It's impossible to find a copy.

Rumor has it it's
basically a snuff film.

I know. I have to see it.

(both chuckle)

Well, Jake... it has been a pleasure.

And I will get that drink with you.

Soon as you find me that movie.

- You have to find that movie.
- Yeah, I know!

But how?

You're gonna have to go onto

the information superhighway, baby.

♪ ♪

(modem handshake beeping and crackling)

AOL VOICE: Welcome.

(computer chiming)

File's done.

(multiple beeps and chimes)

You've got pictures.

- Ugh! Come on.
- I can't take it.

Stand back.

(knuckles crack)

♪ ♪

I'm in! I hacked into
Professor Soufflot's computer

at the Sorbonne, and I
located a digital copy

of The Intransigence
of Love in his files.

That's amazing! Love the Internet!

It's password-protected,
so I can't download it.

Damn it! Hate the Internet!

We have to go into... cyberspace.

Ready?

Are you sure this...?

(both exclaiming)

(laughs)

Whoa.

Oh. The movies!

ZIGGY: Are you looking?

JAKE: I can't find it.

ZIGGY: Well, keep looking.

(door creaks open)

- What was that?
- I think he's coming.

Bonjour. Who is there?

- ZIGGY: Look, hurry up!
- I'm trying!

He's getting closer.

Almost there.

- Almost there.
- Dude!

- I got it!
- We got to jack out of here!

Let's go!

- (quietly): Yeah.
- Yes!

♪ Good night, you child of England ♪

♪ Your time on Earth is past ♪

♪ Say hello to all of history ♪

♪ Be with them everlast ♪

♪ You gave your everything ♪

♪ To the weak and poor ♪

♪ Now God has come to France ♪

♪ And opened your last door ♪

♪ Di... ♪

Hi. Jake.

- Hey! Oh, my God.
- Hey! (chuckles)

Whoa.

Can you believe this?

Oh, yeah. S-So tragic.

Yeah, we're both truly shattered...

I have amazing news. I found it.

The Intransigence of Love.

What?! Are you...?! How?!

Could they have taken away our
beautiful princess so early?

- (squeals)
- (laughs)

Wait, w-we have to watch
it. When are you free?

Um, let me check my schedule.

But pretty much literally anytime.

(laughs)

♪ Gave your everything ♪

♪ To the weak and poor ♪

♪ Now God has come to France ♪

- Oh, can I see?
- Oh, yeah.

♪ And opened that last door for Di. ♪

Oh, wait, get those three
together right there.

- No, no.
- Take it.

Okay.

- Great framing.
- Mm.

Oh, really good
composition. That's nice.

Gemma, you're a natural.

You should be making movies, too.

No. Some people were
just meant to watch.

Babe! Babe. Whassup...?!

- (laughs)
- Ooh.

Hey. How's it going?

Fine?

(chuckles): Wha...?

- Uh...
- GEMMA: Greg, this is Jake and Ziggy.

They're from the video store.

Mm. Nice to meet you guys.

Not!

(laughs)

Let's go. This party's gay.

Come on, we're going.

Um, I'll see you later.

♪ Inky black, like my arms ♪

♪ 47 lucky charms ♪

♪ Passing through me ♪

♪ Never-ending ♪

♪ A gift, my sweet, I was sending ♪

♪ Ring ♪

♪ Yeah, ring ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Ring ♪

♪ Yeah, ring ♪

♪ Yeah, ring. ♪

(speaking French): Do you ever
think about your own death?

(speaking French): But of course.

- (knocking on door)
- Closed!

GEMMA: Jake?

Jake!

Jake!

Hey.

What happened? Are-are you okay?

Have you, uh, watched our movie yet?

No.

Can we watch it now?

Yes. Of course.

Okay.

Ugh, I'm so excited to watch a movie

that doesn't have Jean-Claude
Van Damme or Chris Klein in it.

Uh, yeah, actually, uh, Chris
Klein's in this one, too, so...

(both laugh)

Twizzlers?

Don't tell me you're a Red Vines guy.

Oh, Red Vines till I die.

Oh, no. This will never work, then.

(laughs)

So, how long have you worked here?

- Uh, three years.
- Huh.

You know, you're the first person
to ever appreciate my section?

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

(laughs)

Well, these movies, they aren't perfect,

but they're not trying to be.

No, they're messy and complicated

because life is messy and complicated.

They were forged out of
passion and madness,

and sometimes just a holy desire

to make something ugly and
uncomfortable and haunting

and brilliant and thrilling.

And that's beautiful.

At least to me.

And besides, everything
else is just so...

(moaning)

- Ah.
- Oh, sorry.

No, it's... go ahead, just hurry.

Okay.

- My chain wallet's stuck.
- Okay.

(laughs)

(sighs)

(thunder rumbling)

(knocking on door)

GREG (crying): Babe.

(knocking continues)

- Yeah, what is it?
- I'm sorry.

- What do you want?
- I wasn't in my head.

- I wasn't...
- Oh, really? No kidding.

- I was stupid. I'm sorry.
- You think?

GREG: Sorry.

GRETCHEN: Wait, wait, wait.

Excuse me.

Hold on a sec.

Let me get this straight, in
your version the girl leaves?

I mean, I leave?

That's how you remember it?

It's okay, sweetie.

I forgave you long ago.

Now let me finish our story.

- So...
- I'm tapping in.

_

♪ ♪

(indistinct chatter)

("Get a Knife Between Your
Teeth" by McCarthy playing)

JIMMY: Nice camera, where'd you get it?

♪ You thought they would see ♪

♪ Your point of view ♪

♪ If you put it to them nicely ♪

♪ You stated your case ♪

♪ And you bowed to them on the way out ♪

♪ But nothing was ever done ♪

♪ 'Cause you've got no knife... ♪

I stole it from this lame guy who worked

at a video store a few years ago.

You think he wants it back?

No. It looks good on you.

Anyway, I just write about film now.

Hi.

(laughs)

Hi.

Champagne?

Mm-hmm.

- Oh.
- (both laugh)

JIMMY: Film school? that's fantastic.

I basically learn about movies all day.

It's a goddamn dream.

Anyway, thanks for encouraging me.

Hey.

Just in case this computer
apocalypse does happen,

we should probably get in one dance.

Yeah.

♪ To come and play in the snow ♪

♪ Throw up your hands and wonder aloud ♪

♪ Why don't they ever show... ♪

How was our movie? Did a guy really die?

I... I never watched it.

MAN: 2000 is around the corner.
Here we go. You ready?

Didn't feel right without you.

MAN: Let's start this.

- CROWD: Ten! Nine! Eight!
- GRETCHEN: Listen...

- Seven! Six! Five!
- If we survive the night,

it means we were meant to
watch it together. Deal?

- Deal.
- Three! Two! One!

- (screaming)
- WOMAN: Aah, Y2K!

MAN: Ha-ha, just kidding.
Just kidding, guys.

MAN 2: You suck, Dennis!

(overlapping chatter)

♪ ♪

I need you to come back to my place

and fuck me, like, yesterday.

Gemma, listen, uh...

- Hey, aren't you...?
- Babe, let's go.

We're going to a rave. (whoops)

(whispering): I'm sorry.

(squeals)

(sighs) You're just gonna let him go?

If he looks up, I'm
supposed to go to him.

If she looks down, I'm
supposed to go to her.

Sorry, man.

Yeah! (laughs)

Why are you looking at me like that?

You guys are clearly soul mates
and you're just standing there.

That's so straight of you.

(sighs)

Let's go sit down.

(bicycle bell dings)

(indistinct chatter)

GRETCHEN: So I said, "No,
that's a whoopie pie."

(laughter)

Pierre.

Gemma, how does it
feel to have the first

international, mainstream,
cult blockbuster?

I feel incredibly fortunate to
have found a way to make a movie

that resonates with the audience,

despite being filled with graphic sex

- and so many murders.
- (laughter)

Okay, guys. We just have
time for one more question.

What is it like to be
the youngest recipient

of the Lifetime Achievement
Award while still being so hot?

Is it true you used real cow blood?

JIMMY: Yes, I have a question. Um...

how much did your first camera cost?

(audience murmuring)

Interesting story. I
actually got it from...

(sighs)

(Jimmy gasps)

The reporter who asked you
that question was me?

Your turn, sweetie.

No, this is all you,
baby. You take it home.

(clears throat)

Anyway, there I was, stunned to shit.

I leaned into the mic.

I actually got it from...

the love of my complicated, messy life.

(microphone feedback)

What are you doing here?

I'm the lead film critic
for the big Paris paper.

You were right, Gemma,
some people are just meant

to watch the movies, but it wasn't you.

It was me.

(audience cheers, applauds)

(wolf whistle)

WOMAN: Hello? Hello?

I was alive this whole time!

(laughs)

- (cheering)
- ♪ Do-do-do-do-do ♪

- ♪ Do-do-do-do-do ♪
- (bleating)

♪ Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do ♪

♪ Do-do-do-do-do ♪

♪ Open your eyes ♪

♪ You're a sleepyhead ♪

♪ Don't stay in bed all day ♪

♪ It's sunny outside ♪

♪ And better dreams have. ♪

And that's our story.

So, let me tell you about our rates.

Ah. Did we ever watch
the movie, you ask?

So, you see, I actually brought

the copy of the movie to the festival.

And as we were headed to watch it,

the French cinephile Ziggy and I
stole the tape from found us.

Androuet-Jacques Soufflot!

Quelle terrible.

Hey, follow me if you want to live.

(gasping)

JIMMY: After we thanked Ziggy
for leading us to freedom...

No, dude. It was you all along.

- What are you talking about?
- There never was any Ziggy.

I know.

But how?

Aw, nice catch, dude.
Right in the mouth.

Whoa!

Yes!

(crying): My dad really messed me up.

Thanks, dude. You're my best friend.

GRETCHEN: Aw, shit. Twist!

(sighs)

We'll let you know.

Oh.

- So, should we go with her?
- Absolutely not.

Did you see those
horrible hurricane lamps

she used in every ceremony? So hacky.

Yeah, she sucked. Hey.

Why do you think we keep
telling wedding planners

these hella tight but
fake stories about us?

Is it because we don't
have a love story?

What? We have the best love story

because ours is ugly and
uncomfortable and haunting

and brilliant and thrilling

and, yeah, it's messy and
complicated, but it's true.

And that's beautiful, at least to me.

To me, too.

Hey, you know that Princess
Di really is dead, right?

Yeah, Jimmy. So's JonBenét.

("Vibrations" by Montero playing)

♪ And I really want to
feel the vibration ♪

♪ Coming in clear and bright ♪

♪ Dreaming of the way out ♪

♪ And I really want to
feel the vibration ♪

♪ Coming in clear and bright ♪

♪ Dreaming of the way out ♪

♪ Most of what I've gathered here ♪

♪ His mother left without ♪

♪ Limitless. ♪