Younger (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Ladies Who Lust - full transcript
When Moore's book which he wrote under a female pen name Aubrey Alexis is receiving a lot of hype. But all everyone wants to know is who is Aubrey Alexis. Liza, Kelsey and Charles try to make sure no one finds out. They have a reading of the book and they get Gwyneth Paltrow to read but when she doesn't show up, Moore wants Liza to read it. And at the reading, Moore makes a scene that nearly exposes his secret. Maggie invites Malkie and her friends over for dinner and she gets overwhelmed.
[upbeat music]
_
_
♪ I am the one, two, three, four ♪
♪ X marks the spot ♪
♪ I am the bees' knees ♪
"Me, Myself,
and O" skyrocketed to number three
on Amazon last night.
- Oh, my God. Really?
- Yes.
This Aubrey Alexis mystery is
causing a social media frenzy.
"My Perfect O" is trending right now.
Can you imagine how many
orgasms she's had a hand in?
- She?
- Oh, right. Ew.
- [groans]
- This is causing quite a stir.
I never expected this
book to actually sell.
"The Today Show" called.
Charlie Rose personally called.
Everyone wants to
interview Aubrey Alexis.
I'm afraid that's impossible.
This is absurd.
It's time she dropped the nom de plume
and reveal herself, at least to me.
Diana, I signed a strict NDA.
Charlie Rose is just going to
have to use his imagination
like everyone else.
Trust me,
you do not want to know what is lurking
inside the imagination of Charlie Rose.
- [phone buzzing]
- Oh, wow.
Aubrey just got invited to read
at the Ladies Who Lust benefit
- tomorrow night.
- What is that?
The literary icons of
the sexual revolution
throw it every year.
What are they raising money for?
Next year's benefit.
♪ ♪
Well,
clearly Aubrey can't read at that event.
♪ ♪
The bigger this book becomes,
the more dangerous it is for us.
Can you imagine if her fans
found out that this young woman
that they've been
identifying with is...
[whispering] Him?
And that's photoshopped.
If the truth gets out,
it won't just kill the sales
of "Me, Myself, and O."
It'll endanger the entire
"Crown of Kings" franchise,
which would be a
disaster for the company.
[upbeat electronic music]
♪ Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
To Aubrey Alexis.
Whoever she is.
[laughing] Yeah!
Whoo.
Elizabeth Gilbert has
been tweeting so much
that "Vulture" thinks
she's Aubrey Alexis.
I'd like to eat, pray,
strangle that woman.
"Jezebel" thinks it's Gillian Flynn.
She denied it a full 24 hours
and 20,000 new Instagram
followers later.
How many more people are
gonna take credit for my work?
Consider it a good thing.
It's only boosting sales.
Right, and it's your name on the check.
Plus we've had so many
celebrities offer to read
for Aubrey at the
Ladies Who Lust benefit.
Really? Who?
Well, three choices:
Sarah Silverman, Tavi Gevinson,
and Gwyneth Paltrow.
- [both gasp]
- Gwyneth Paltrow?
That could be huge.
You get Gwenny,
You. Me. Turks. Caicos.
- [laughs]
- Oh.
Great.
♪ When I come to you ♪
[upbeat electronic music]
I couldn't put it down.
Except for, like, eight different places
where I needed both hands free.
Who is this writer,
and why does she understand me
better than I understand myself?
She's definitely tapped into something.
- Mm.
- And at the right moment.
No, it's not about swiping
right and sniffing poppers.
It is about owning our own pleasure
without a man.
Wait, people are still doing poppers?
- Oh, yeah.
- You know, it's interesting
how scientists are now
challenging the theory
that the female orgasm is
designed for pair-bonding
only so women can get attached
and form stable partnerships.
Ugh, finally.
I mean, some of the
best orgasms I've had
were with the most unstable partners.
- Until you.
- Aw.
Seriously, I've had way
better sex with guys
that I've hate-banged.
What about you?
Oh, well, you know me.
The more unattached,
the more uninhibited.
- Oh.
- Right?
Get me off twice then call me an Uber.
Get me off three times and
you can call me anything.
[laughter]
Something's vibrating.
Yes, and it is not what you
left in my call room bunk bed
last weekend.
This is Dr. Horowitz. I was paged.
Okay, um, can I make, like,
a "Me, Myself, and O" confession?
Mm.
Max is the first man that's
ever made me orgasm from sex.
Both: Ooh.
Yes, I mean, as a doctor,
he really understands the depths
of our complex female anatomy.
Like lesbian sex?
Yes, but with much less talking.
Okay, can I make a confession?
Oh, yes.
Every time I go to...
- Beat around your bush?
- That.
Mm-hmm. Yep.
I think about Thad
and then I remember that he's dead,
and I feel like I...
A necrophiliac.
No!
No, I... I lose my...
Lady boner!
Yes.
I have to get back to the hospital
and extract a LEGO sheriff
from someone's rectum.
- Ooh.
- Yes.
Okay, but you better text
us if that's someone famous.
- Absolutely.
- Great.
- Bye, guys.
- Bye.
People are really into
butt stuff these days.
♪ ♪
So who exactly was that in there?
Was that 26-year-old
Liza or 40-year-old Liza?
Definitely the 26 year old.
Good. Had me worried for a minute.
Yeah, the 40 year old has
a very limited resume.
Oh, yeah?
How limited are we talking about here?
I lost my v-card freshman year to my TA,
then I met David, and now you.
Wait.
You only slept with three dudes, right?
That's what you're saying? Like, three?
One less than four?
That's the three we're
talking about here?
Yeah, I got married
right out of college.
I guess I didn't have those
years of sex-ploration.
- [sighs]
- Until now.
All right.
Yeah. Mm.
And that... that doesn't
bother you at all?
Like,
you don't feel like you need to make up
for lost time or anything?
Well, what do you think I'm doing now?
Babe, that's a lot of
responsibility for one person.
Well, you know what they say:
third time's a charm.
Hey, wait. What's your number?
What?
♪ ♪
Uh...
it's, like, you know, like,
a multiple of three.
♪ ♪
It's, like...
What, like six?
Yeah, sure.
♪ Oh, hey ♪
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
- Hey.
- Hey.
"The Kosher Butcher's Daughter"?
- Are you sleeping with her too?
- [laughs]
No, I'm making Friday
night dinner for Malkie
and her friends.
It's sort of a Shabbat/apology
for polluting the mikveh.
Yeah, we definitely
should not have crashed
an Orthodox woman's bath.
That's why the brisket needs
to be really, really good.
Hey, how many sexual
partners have you had?
At the same time?
Never mind.
[jazzy music]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Oh, hey. Good morning.
Good news.
I just got word that
Gwyneth is in for tonight.
[gasps] That's great.
She's gonna "goop" it and everything.
- Oh.
- "Who Is Aubrey Alexis?"
The question everyone is asking.
"Is she an MFA student
at the New School?
"A Midwestern housewife
who hides her vibrator
in a Lord & Taylor bag?"
Well, tonight she's going
to be Gwyneth Paltrow.
She's reading for Aubrey?
That's wonderful.
Radha is going to be thrilled.
Don't we all love just
love to thrill Radha.
♪ ♪
Do you think I made too much food?
Are you kidding?
These are Jewish women.
They would eat Lebanon
if it would just separate
from the continent.
- Hello, hello.
- Hey!
Wow.
[all speaking at once]
Hi. Oh, my God.
Hi. How are you?
Talia, Estie, this is my Maggie,
and you've already met Sarah.
Welcome. Shabbat Shalom.
Both: Shabbat Shalom.
Here we have sweet potato latkes
and lox crostini to start.
Wow. Usually someone has to
die to get food this nice.
[laughter]
Oh, and here. Israeli wine.
Uh, I shouldn't.
All right. Just a teeny tiny drop.
- Okay.
- It's fine, right?
- Totally.
- Yeah, more than that.
Yep.
So how do you all know each other?
Well, Sarah was formerly
engaged to my brother.
And I milked Talia's honey in
the Bedouin Tents on Birthright.
You could've just said that we dated.
I could have.
But now I'm married to Deb,
who couldn't make it.
But you're gonna meet her.
Maggie, you made all this?
We all cheat and go to Zabar's.
Some of us even go to Trader Joe's.
That was during a
fricking hurricane, Sarah.
Do you know how many times
I wanted to be Amy Irving
in "Crossing Delancey"?
Oh, I love that movie.
Except for the pickle man.
Reminds me of my ex.
'Cause she could only
climax from a pickle claw.
Ah, well, the true test of a
sustainable relationship is
"does it give me carpal tunnel?"
[laughs] That is a good one.
That's really good.
♪ ♪
_
_
_
_
Why does each writer's nametag
feature a dirty phrase?
It's their literary
erotic claim to fame.
Oh. A hummer.
[laughs] Silver balling.
You'll understand when you're older.
♪ ♪
Mm-hmm. There's Daphne Merkin.
Ooh, and Eve Ensler.
It's a very impressive group.
I agree.
What's Liza doing here?
Aubrey Alexis is her author.
Ooh.
Well, you must tell me
who Aubrey really is.
Or at least a subtle
hint in her direction.
If only I could.
[laughs]
Pam Pam!
Now "Gawker" is claiming
Lena Dunham is Aubrey Alexis.
We've already seen her
slippery oyster on HBO GO.
Don't they know the woman
has nothing left to hide?
Edward, what are you doing here?
I'm not gonna miss the
inaugural public reading
of my book.
Oh, you mean Aubrey's book.
Well, of course I do,
but that doesn't mean
I'll tolerate others
stealing my thunder.
Ooh, Toni Morrison.
Toni! [laughs]
Excuse me. Hey, girl!
[laughing]
- Excuse me for one second.
- Oh, okay.
Did you know he was coming?
No, I had no idea.
Will this be a problem?
No, I don't think so.
Everyone's attention will be on Gwyneth.
What are you two whispering about?
- Uh, nothing.
- Nothing.
Can I get a quote on tonight's event,
Ms. Peters?
Sorry. Have we met?
Colin McNichol.
I did a piece on
"The New Yorker"'s Page-Turner blog
about what makes a book millennial.
Right.
You said my imprint had
yet to prove itself.
No, I said you had the potential
to be a notable influencer.
Well, then I will potentially
consider thanking you.
What's your next piece on, Colin?
It's a "Talk of the Town."
My first in the print
magazine, actually.
- That's a big step.
- It is.
You could make it even bigger
if you unveiled the
identity of Aubrey Alexis.
[chuckles]
Points for being so direct,
but I'm sworn to secrecy.
You don't mind direct questions?
I prefer them.
What about secrets?
It depends on what kind.
Well, this club is brimming with them.
If you'd like,
I could show you one of my favorites.
Hmm.
♪ ♪
That was the juiciest
brisket I have ever eaten.
Mm-hmm.
Except for that one time in Tulum.
Please don't.
I'll email you the recipe. [laughs]
We should host every
Sapphic Shabbat here.
[all gasp]
Right?
Let's make a toast to our Sabbath queen.
Yes.
Alll: Maggie!
[all cheering]
Oh, Maggie,
you should to come to our
self-renewal retreat at Kripalu.
Yes!
What are you doing
for the High Holidays?
We have the most amazing Cantor.
[whispering] She's family.
Oh, and you have to sit with
us at the Rainbow Jews Gala.
And don't...
don't forget my baby-naming party!
Oh, you can name the baby.
- Are you okay?
- Where are you going?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
I just... too much Kosher wine.
Excuse me.
♪ ♪
[knocking on door]
Mm.
Hold on! I'm just...
I feel like this little guy's
doing just donkey kicks... ugh...
On my bladder.
[sighs] Oh, wow.
This bathroom is just as funky
as the rest of your apartment.
- I like your vibe, Maggie.
- Isn't it great?
Hey, did you make that one, babe?
- Oh, is that you?
- Uh, no, no.
I got that one at a
flea market in Greece.
When did you go to Greece?
Why don't I tell you in the kitchen.
I'm gonna go pour some more wine.
- Any... anyone?
- Yes!
Kidding.
♪ ♪
Where are you taking me?
You'll see.
[chuckles]
♪ I saw the sun opened up ♪
[elevator bell dings]
Here we are.
What is this place?
This is where they house all
their secret archival treasures.
[laughs]
And how do you have a key?
I'm doing research for a piece.
Oh.
This is the last love
letter that Keats wrote
to Fanny Brawne before
he died at the age of 25.
Wow.
"How I applied this to you, my dear;
"how I palpated it...
"how the certainty that you were
in the same world with myself,
and though as beautiful,
not so talismanic."
"Not so talismanic"?
He's saying she had magical powers
that turned men melancholy.
Oh.
- Sounds like me.
- Oh.
Well, I think you turn
men far from melancholic.
[phone buzzing]
♪ ♪
Oh, no. Oh, God.
I... I got to go.
Come and find me later.
♪ ♪
Gwyneth had a what?
A vagina-steaming incident.
No, I heard you.
I just wish I could un-hear it.
Why would she steam it?
The vagina is already self-cleaning.
Is it too late to find a substitute?
I'm already on it.
No, no, no, no!
Enough with everyone claiming credit.
I want to read it.
I want to come out as
the real Aubrey Alexis
once and for all.
Edward...
Don't try and talk me
out of this, Charles.
- [gasps]
- Easy, easy, easy, easy.
Wait, Edward, Edward,
Edward, Edward, Edward.
I understand your frustration.
I really do.
It's... it's difficult to keep a secret.
Especially when you pretend
to be someone else in order
to be taken seriously
in your profession.
But your book...
Your book has helped so many
young women unlock their desire
and discover their bodies and
enact their sexual freedom.
And what's more important?
Exposing the truth or
allowing your readers
to enjoy the collective fantasy
that Aubrey Alexis is the voice
of women everywhere?
Then you should read
it, Princess Pam Pam.
Wait, what?
I want you to read for Aubrey Alexis.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I... I can't.
I... I'm not good at...
I don't public speaking.
Either Pam Pam reads or I will.
[quirky music]
♪ ♪
Now we will end with our newest author.
Though we can't say who she is,
"Me, Myself, and O" has awakened
a new generation of young women.
Please welcome Gwyneth Pal...
Nope, Liza Miller,
reading for the enigmatic sensation,
Aubrey Alexis.
[applause]
[electronic feedback]
[quirky music]
"I lay on the bed quivering,
"my hands lingering over my panties.
"I could feel my woman pulse
throbbing through the lace.
"And as I slid my fingers inside...
"towards the place no man
could ever fully penetrate,
I felt my flower begin to blossom"...
Both: "To release."
"To burst open.
To explode."
I am Aubrey Alexis!
I am Aubrey Alexis!
Yes!
I am Aubrey Alexis!
[laughing]
I am Aubrey Alexis!
No.
I am Aubrey Alexis.
I am Aubrey Alexis!
All: I am Aubrey Alexis.
No!
All: I am Aubrey Alexis!
No!
All: I am Aubrey Alexis!
I am Aubrey Alexis!
♪ ♪
My friends loved you.
Yeah, and I... I really liked them.
But, um...
you know, I just don't
think I can do this.
Do what?
This. Us.
Them. I... I don't understand.
You know, Malkie, I realized tonight
that I don't know if
I'm ready for, like,
a real relationship
and all it comes with.
The new food, the new friends.
I mean, they booked up my weekends
for, like, the next three years.
I know they can be a lot.
No, that's the thing. It's not them.
It's just that I don't
fly in a lesbian flock.
I'm more of a lone owl.
Well, I... I wouldn't
want you to pretend
to be someone you're not.
[sighs]
So what now?
Well, we always have our tomato patch.
Come here.
Was it the bathroom?
That didn't help.
[chuckles]
Got to be honest.
[upbeat music]
Liza, thank you for stepping in
and being so game tonight.
If it means keeping L.L.
Moore in the Empirical family,
it was worth it.
We, uh, we are a family.
A dysfunctional one sometimes, but...
All the best families are.
Oh, you two again.
Hope you don't mind that
I'm taking him home.
What? Me?
No, no, he's yours to take.
It was, uh, it was
good to see you again.
Always a pleasure.
[light instrumental music]
♪ ♪
Hey. Who you looking for?
Well, I met someone tonight.
This cute "New Yorker" writer.
- They make those?
- I know.
Like, a rare breed.
I'm pretty sure he was flirting with me,
but then he never
asked me for my number.
- Hm.
- [sighs]
I'm already sick of being single.
It gets better.
That's what they say to kids
who are severely bullied.
♪ ♪
Come on.
♪ ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Imagine my surprise when I opened my
"New Yorker"
this morning...
A ritual I enjoy every Monday...
And I saw your name.
Me?
Your self-obsessed millennial antics
are splashed all over
my "Talk of the Town."
Oh, my God. Here it is.
"I am Aubrey Alexis."
"In a climactic moment, Kelsey Peters,
"the talismanic beauty who runs
Empirical's Millennial Press,
led the 'I'm Spartacu" rallying cry."
Talismanic beauty.
Is this the cute "New Yorker" writer?
- Yeah.
- Ooh!
And he's flirting with you in
"The New Yorker"?
Who needs texting when you have
"Talk of the Town"?
Scroll down. I want this guy's email.
Uh-huh.
[light instrumental music]
_
♪ ♪
[sighs]
_
[computer dings]
♪ ♪
_
[knocking on door]
- Hey.
- Hi, hi, hi, hi.
♪ ♪
Oh, no. Not you too.
What? Oh, yeah.
Yeah. I read it.
- [laughs]
- It's good.
It's so dirty, but...
I... I liked it.
Made me really think about you.
- It did?
- Yeah.
This woman, she had to explore the world
and bang a bunch of dudes to
finally find her perfect O.
See, I read it that
she had it all along.
She didn't need to go anywhere.
No, she did.
She did.
I mean, she learned orgasmic
meditation from Raul,
and circular breathing
from Karim, and...
Wow, you really studied that book.
Yeah. [laughs]
I don't know.
I think experience is important.
You know?
I wouldn't want you to regret
jumping into this relationship
too soon after your marriage.
I could never regret you.
Maybe you haven't experienced
enough to know that.
Which is why...
I got you this.
♪ ♪
- A present?
- Yes.
Just open it.
♪ ♪
"Free pass for number four."
You want me to sleep with someone else?
No. No.
I want you
to have the chance to explore, you know.
But it's good for one night only,
and I never want to hear about it.
Ever.
Ever, ever.
Well, I don't plan on
cashing this in anytime soon.
Great.
Unless...
Oh. Yes?
I pretend you're somebody else tonight.
And who exactly would I be?
Oh, let's pretend that
you're really the 40 year old
and I'm really the 26 year old.
Like, so some kind of,
like, older man fantasy?
Oh, no. Just a little age reversal.
Yeah, I think I can roll with this.
[laughs]
I mean, I learned from
the master, so...
♪ Soon we'll be on the way ♪
♪ I need you ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
_
_
♪ I am the one, two, three, four ♪
♪ X marks the spot ♪
♪ I am the bees' knees ♪
"Me, Myself,
and O" skyrocketed to number three
on Amazon last night.
- Oh, my God. Really?
- Yes.
This Aubrey Alexis mystery is
causing a social media frenzy.
"My Perfect O" is trending right now.
Can you imagine how many
orgasms she's had a hand in?
- She?
- Oh, right. Ew.
- [groans]
- This is causing quite a stir.
I never expected this
book to actually sell.
"The Today Show" called.
Charlie Rose personally called.
Everyone wants to
interview Aubrey Alexis.
I'm afraid that's impossible.
This is absurd.
It's time she dropped the nom de plume
and reveal herself, at least to me.
Diana, I signed a strict NDA.
Charlie Rose is just going to
have to use his imagination
like everyone else.
Trust me,
you do not want to know what is lurking
inside the imagination of Charlie Rose.
- [phone buzzing]
- Oh, wow.
Aubrey just got invited to read
at the Ladies Who Lust benefit
- tomorrow night.
- What is that?
The literary icons of
the sexual revolution
throw it every year.
What are they raising money for?
Next year's benefit.
♪ ♪
Well,
clearly Aubrey can't read at that event.
♪ ♪
The bigger this book becomes,
the more dangerous it is for us.
Can you imagine if her fans
found out that this young woman
that they've been
identifying with is...
[whispering] Him?
And that's photoshopped.
If the truth gets out,
it won't just kill the sales
of "Me, Myself, and O."
It'll endanger the entire
"Crown of Kings" franchise,
which would be a
disaster for the company.
[upbeat electronic music]
♪ Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
To Aubrey Alexis.
Whoever she is.
[laughing] Yeah!
Whoo.
Elizabeth Gilbert has
been tweeting so much
that "Vulture" thinks
she's Aubrey Alexis.
I'd like to eat, pray,
strangle that woman.
"Jezebel" thinks it's Gillian Flynn.
She denied it a full 24 hours
and 20,000 new Instagram
followers later.
How many more people are
gonna take credit for my work?
Consider it a good thing.
It's only boosting sales.
Right, and it's your name on the check.
Plus we've had so many
celebrities offer to read
for Aubrey at the
Ladies Who Lust benefit.
Really? Who?
Well, three choices:
Sarah Silverman, Tavi Gevinson,
and Gwyneth Paltrow.
- [both gasp]
- Gwyneth Paltrow?
That could be huge.
You get Gwenny,
You. Me. Turks. Caicos.
- [laughs]
- Oh.
Great.
♪ When I come to you ♪
[upbeat electronic music]
I couldn't put it down.
Except for, like, eight different places
where I needed both hands free.
Who is this writer,
and why does she understand me
better than I understand myself?
She's definitely tapped into something.
- Mm.
- And at the right moment.
No, it's not about swiping
right and sniffing poppers.
It is about owning our own pleasure
without a man.
Wait, people are still doing poppers?
- Oh, yeah.
- You know, it's interesting
how scientists are now
challenging the theory
that the female orgasm is
designed for pair-bonding
only so women can get attached
and form stable partnerships.
Ugh, finally.
I mean, some of the
best orgasms I've had
were with the most unstable partners.
- Until you.
- Aw.
Seriously, I've had way
better sex with guys
that I've hate-banged.
What about you?
Oh, well, you know me.
The more unattached,
the more uninhibited.
- Oh.
- Right?
Get me off twice then call me an Uber.
Get me off three times and
you can call me anything.
[laughter]
Something's vibrating.
Yes, and it is not what you
left in my call room bunk bed
last weekend.
This is Dr. Horowitz. I was paged.
Okay, um, can I make, like,
a "Me, Myself, and O" confession?
Mm.
Max is the first man that's
ever made me orgasm from sex.
Both: Ooh.
Yes, I mean, as a doctor,
he really understands the depths
of our complex female anatomy.
Like lesbian sex?
Yes, but with much less talking.
Okay, can I make a confession?
Oh, yes.
Every time I go to...
- Beat around your bush?
- That.
Mm-hmm. Yep.
I think about Thad
and then I remember that he's dead,
and I feel like I...
A necrophiliac.
No!
No, I... I lose my...
Lady boner!
Yes.
I have to get back to the hospital
and extract a LEGO sheriff
from someone's rectum.
- Ooh.
- Yes.
Okay, but you better text
us if that's someone famous.
- Absolutely.
- Great.
- Bye, guys.
- Bye.
People are really into
butt stuff these days.
♪ ♪
So who exactly was that in there?
Was that 26-year-old
Liza or 40-year-old Liza?
Definitely the 26 year old.
Good. Had me worried for a minute.
Yeah, the 40 year old has
a very limited resume.
Oh, yeah?
How limited are we talking about here?
I lost my v-card freshman year to my TA,
then I met David, and now you.
Wait.
You only slept with three dudes, right?
That's what you're saying? Like, three?
One less than four?
That's the three we're
talking about here?
Yeah, I got married
right out of college.
I guess I didn't have those
years of sex-ploration.
- [sighs]
- Until now.
All right.
Yeah. Mm.
And that... that doesn't
bother you at all?
Like,
you don't feel like you need to make up
for lost time or anything?
Well, what do you think I'm doing now?
Babe, that's a lot of
responsibility for one person.
Well, you know what they say:
third time's a charm.
Hey, wait. What's your number?
What?
♪ ♪
Uh...
it's, like, you know, like,
a multiple of three.
♪ ♪
It's, like...
What, like six?
Yeah, sure.
♪ Oh, hey ♪
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
- Hey.
- Hey.
"The Kosher Butcher's Daughter"?
- Are you sleeping with her too?
- [laughs]
No, I'm making Friday
night dinner for Malkie
and her friends.
It's sort of a Shabbat/apology
for polluting the mikveh.
Yeah, we definitely
should not have crashed
an Orthodox woman's bath.
That's why the brisket needs
to be really, really good.
Hey, how many sexual
partners have you had?
At the same time?
Never mind.
[jazzy music]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Oh, hey. Good morning.
Good news.
I just got word that
Gwyneth is in for tonight.
[gasps] That's great.
She's gonna "goop" it and everything.
- Oh.
- "Who Is Aubrey Alexis?"
The question everyone is asking.
"Is she an MFA student
at the New School?
"A Midwestern housewife
who hides her vibrator
in a Lord & Taylor bag?"
Well, tonight she's going
to be Gwyneth Paltrow.
She's reading for Aubrey?
That's wonderful.
Radha is going to be thrilled.
Don't we all love just
love to thrill Radha.
♪ ♪
Do you think I made too much food?
Are you kidding?
These are Jewish women.
They would eat Lebanon
if it would just separate
from the continent.
- Hello, hello.
- Hey!
Wow.
[all speaking at once]
Hi. Oh, my God.
Hi. How are you?
Talia, Estie, this is my Maggie,
and you've already met Sarah.
Welcome. Shabbat Shalom.
Both: Shabbat Shalom.
Here we have sweet potato latkes
and lox crostini to start.
Wow. Usually someone has to
die to get food this nice.
[laughter]
Oh, and here. Israeli wine.
Uh, I shouldn't.
All right. Just a teeny tiny drop.
- Okay.
- It's fine, right?
- Totally.
- Yeah, more than that.
Yep.
So how do you all know each other?
Well, Sarah was formerly
engaged to my brother.
And I milked Talia's honey in
the Bedouin Tents on Birthright.
You could've just said that we dated.
I could have.
But now I'm married to Deb,
who couldn't make it.
But you're gonna meet her.
Maggie, you made all this?
We all cheat and go to Zabar's.
Some of us even go to Trader Joe's.
That was during a
fricking hurricane, Sarah.
Do you know how many times
I wanted to be Amy Irving
in "Crossing Delancey"?
Oh, I love that movie.
Except for the pickle man.
Reminds me of my ex.
'Cause she could only
climax from a pickle claw.
Ah, well, the true test of a
sustainable relationship is
"does it give me carpal tunnel?"
[laughs] That is a good one.
That's really good.
♪ ♪
_
_
_
_
Why does each writer's nametag
feature a dirty phrase?
It's their literary
erotic claim to fame.
Oh. A hummer.
[laughs] Silver balling.
You'll understand when you're older.
♪ ♪
Mm-hmm. There's Daphne Merkin.
Ooh, and Eve Ensler.
It's a very impressive group.
I agree.
What's Liza doing here?
Aubrey Alexis is her author.
Ooh.
Well, you must tell me
who Aubrey really is.
Or at least a subtle
hint in her direction.
If only I could.
[laughs]
Pam Pam!
Now "Gawker" is claiming
Lena Dunham is Aubrey Alexis.
We've already seen her
slippery oyster on HBO GO.
Don't they know the woman
has nothing left to hide?
Edward, what are you doing here?
I'm not gonna miss the
inaugural public reading
of my book.
Oh, you mean Aubrey's book.
Well, of course I do,
but that doesn't mean
I'll tolerate others
stealing my thunder.
Ooh, Toni Morrison.
Toni! [laughs]
Excuse me. Hey, girl!
[laughing]
- Excuse me for one second.
- Oh, okay.
Did you know he was coming?
No, I had no idea.
Will this be a problem?
No, I don't think so.
Everyone's attention will be on Gwyneth.
What are you two whispering about?
- Uh, nothing.
- Nothing.
Can I get a quote on tonight's event,
Ms. Peters?
Sorry. Have we met?
Colin McNichol.
I did a piece on
"The New Yorker"'s Page-Turner blog
about what makes a book millennial.
Right.
You said my imprint had
yet to prove itself.
No, I said you had the potential
to be a notable influencer.
Well, then I will potentially
consider thanking you.
What's your next piece on, Colin?
It's a "Talk of the Town."
My first in the print
magazine, actually.
- That's a big step.
- It is.
You could make it even bigger
if you unveiled the
identity of Aubrey Alexis.
[chuckles]
Points for being so direct,
but I'm sworn to secrecy.
You don't mind direct questions?
I prefer them.
What about secrets?
It depends on what kind.
Well, this club is brimming with them.
If you'd like,
I could show you one of my favorites.
Hmm.
♪ ♪
That was the juiciest
brisket I have ever eaten.
Mm-hmm.
Except for that one time in Tulum.
Please don't.
I'll email you the recipe. [laughs]
We should host every
Sapphic Shabbat here.
[all gasp]
Right?
Let's make a toast to our Sabbath queen.
Yes.
Alll: Maggie!
[all cheering]
Oh, Maggie,
you should to come to our
self-renewal retreat at Kripalu.
Yes!
What are you doing
for the High Holidays?
We have the most amazing Cantor.
[whispering] She's family.
Oh, and you have to sit with
us at the Rainbow Jews Gala.
And don't...
don't forget my baby-naming party!
Oh, you can name the baby.
- Are you okay?
- Where are you going?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
I just... too much Kosher wine.
Excuse me.
♪ ♪
[knocking on door]
Mm.
Hold on! I'm just...
I feel like this little guy's
doing just donkey kicks... ugh...
On my bladder.
[sighs] Oh, wow.
This bathroom is just as funky
as the rest of your apartment.
- I like your vibe, Maggie.
- Isn't it great?
Hey, did you make that one, babe?
- Oh, is that you?
- Uh, no, no.
I got that one at a
flea market in Greece.
When did you go to Greece?
Why don't I tell you in the kitchen.
I'm gonna go pour some more wine.
- Any... anyone?
- Yes!
Kidding.
♪ ♪
Where are you taking me?
You'll see.
[chuckles]
♪ I saw the sun opened up ♪
[elevator bell dings]
Here we are.
What is this place?
This is where they house all
their secret archival treasures.
[laughs]
And how do you have a key?
I'm doing research for a piece.
Oh.
This is the last love
letter that Keats wrote
to Fanny Brawne before
he died at the age of 25.
Wow.
"How I applied this to you, my dear;
"how I palpated it...
"how the certainty that you were
in the same world with myself,
and though as beautiful,
not so talismanic."
"Not so talismanic"?
He's saying she had magical powers
that turned men melancholy.
Oh.
- Sounds like me.
- Oh.
Well, I think you turn
men far from melancholic.
[phone buzzing]
♪ ♪
Oh, no. Oh, God.
I... I got to go.
Come and find me later.
♪ ♪
Gwyneth had a what?
A vagina-steaming incident.
No, I heard you.
I just wish I could un-hear it.
Why would she steam it?
The vagina is already self-cleaning.
Is it too late to find a substitute?
I'm already on it.
No, no, no, no!
Enough with everyone claiming credit.
I want to read it.
I want to come out as
the real Aubrey Alexis
once and for all.
Edward...
Don't try and talk me
out of this, Charles.
- [gasps]
- Easy, easy, easy, easy.
Wait, Edward, Edward,
Edward, Edward, Edward.
I understand your frustration.
I really do.
It's... it's difficult to keep a secret.
Especially when you pretend
to be someone else in order
to be taken seriously
in your profession.
But your book...
Your book has helped so many
young women unlock their desire
and discover their bodies and
enact their sexual freedom.
And what's more important?
Exposing the truth or
allowing your readers
to enjoy the collective fantasy
that Aubrey Alexis is the voice
of women everywhere?
Then you should read
it, Princess Pam Pam.
Wait, what?
I want you to read for Aubrey Alexis.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I... I can't.
I... I'm not good at...
I don't public speaking.
Either Pam Pam reads or I will.
[quirky music]
♪ ♪
Now we will end with our newest author.
Though we can't say who she is,
"Me, Myself, and O" has awakened
a new generation of young women.
Please welcome Gwyneth Pal...
Nope, Liza Miller,
reading for the enigmatic sensation,
Aubrey Alexis.
[applause]
[electronic feedback]
[quirky music]
"I lay on the bed quivering,
"my hands lingering over my panties.
"I could feel my woman pulse
throbbing through the lace.
"And as I slid my fingers inside...
"towards the place no man
could ever fully penetrate,
I felt my flower begin to blossom"...
Both: "To release."
"To burst open.
To explode."
I am Aubrey Alexis!
I am Aubrey Alexis!
Yes!
I am Aubrey Alexis!
[laughing]
I am Aubrey Alexis!
No.
I am Aubrey Alexis.
I am Aubrey Alexis!
All: I am Aubrey Alexis.
No!
All: I am Aubrey Alexis!
No!
All: I am Aubrey Alexis!
I am Aubrey Alexis!
♪ ♪
My friends loved you.
Yeah, and I... I really liked them.
But, um...
you know, I just don't
think I can do this.
Do what?
This. Us.
Them. I... I don't understand.
You know, Malkie, I realized tonight
that I don't know if
I'm ready for, like,
a real relationship
and all it comes with.
The new food, the new friends.
I mean, they booked up my weekends
for, like, the next three years.
I know they can be a lot.
No, that's the thing. It's not them.
It's just that I don't
fly in a lesbian flock.
I'm more of a lone owl.
Well, I... I wouldn't
want you to pretend
to be someone you're not.
[sighs]
So what now?
Well, we always have our tomato patch.
Come here.
Was it the bathroom?
That didn't help.
[chuckles]
Got to be honest.
[upbeat music]
Liza, thank you for stepping in
and being so game tonight.
If it means keeping L.L.
Moore in the Empirical family,
it was worth it.
We, uh, we are a family.
A dysfunctional one sometimes, but...
All the best families are.
Oh, you two again.
Hope you don't mind that
I'm taking him home.
What? Me?
No, no, he's yours to take.
It was, uh, it was
good to see you again.
Always a pleasure.
[light instrumental music]
♪ ♪
Hey. Who you looking for?
Well, I met someone tonight.
This cute "New Yorker" writer.
- They make those?
- I know.
Like, a rare breed.
I'm pretty sure he was flirting with me,
but then he never
asked me for my number.
- Hm.
- [sighs]
I'm already sick of being single.
It gets better.
That's what they say to kids
who are severely bullied.
♪ ♪
Come on.
♪ ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Imagine my surprise when I opened my
"New Yorker"
this morning...
A ritual I enjoy every Monday...
And I saw your name.
Me?
Your self-obsessed millennial antics
are splashed all over
my "Talk of the Town."
Oh, my God. Here it is.
"I am Aubrey Alexis."
"In a climactic moment, Kelsey Peters,
"the talismanic beauty who runs
Empirical's Millennial Press,
led the 'I'm Spartacu" rallying cry."
Talismanic beauty.
Is this the cute "New Yorker" writer?
- Yeah.
- Ooh!
And he's flirting with you in
"The New Yorker"?
Who needs texting when you have
"Talk of the Town"?
Scroll down. I want this guy's email.
Uh-huh.
[light instrumental music]
_
♪ ♪
[sighs]
_
[computer dings]
♪ ♪
_
[knocking on door]
- Hey.
- Hi, hi, hi, hi.
♪ ♪
Oh, no. Not you too.
What? Oh, yeah.
Yeah. I read it.
- [laughs]
- It's good.
It's so dirty, but...
I... I liked it.
Made me really think about you.
- It did?
- Yeah.
This woman, she had to explore the world
and bang a bunch of dudes to
finally find her perfect O.
See, I read it that
she had it all along.
She didn't need to go anywhere.
No, she did.
She did.
I mean, she learned orgasmic
meditation from Raul,
and circular breathing
from Karim, and...
Wow, you really studied that book.
Yeah. [laughs]
I don't know.
I think experience is important.
You know?
I wouldn't want you to regret
jumping into this relationship
too soon after your marriage.
I could never regret you.
Maybe you haven't experienced
enough to know that.
Which is why...
I got you this.
♪ ♪
- A present?
- Yes.
Just open it.
♪ ♪
"Free pass for number four."
You want me to sleep with someone else?
No. No.
I want you
to have the chance to explore, you know.
But it's good for one night only,
and I never want to hear about it.
Ever.
Ever, ever.
Well, I don't plan on
cashing this in anytime soon.
Great.
Unless...
Oh. Yes?
I pretend you're somebody else tonight.
And who exactly would I be?
Oh, let's pretend that
you're really the 40 year old
and I'm really the 26 year old.
Like, so some kind of,
like, older man fantasy?
Oh, no. Just a little age reversal.
Yeah, I think I can roll with this.
[laughs]
I mean, I learned from
the master, so...
♪ Soon we'll be on the way ♪
♪ I need you ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪