Younger (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Me, Myself, and O - full transcript

"Martha's tiny chest
pulsed its final beats.

"I would never hear
her lone coo again.

"The last of its kind.



I'll pay you 100 bucks
if you start cooing back.

Stop it.

I know this book is subtle,

but I really think
it will captivate people.

Even with the Booker Prize buzz,

the second week of sales
is anemic.

"In the way that she would

Probably have to
cancel her book tour.

Not like we can
afford one anyway.

What do you mean?

Liza, don't be dense.


Without Bryce's investment,

the company's in trouble.

I don't think
this is the book to save us.


Lovely event, ladies.

We're back to our old ways,
elegant and tasteful.

I, for one, don't think
we ever needed Bryce.

Empirical will stand
the test of time.


Radha, you remember Liza.

Yes, delighted to see you again.

And this is Diana,
our marketing genius.

Oh, well.

Radha is the newly appointed

for the Rockefeller Nonprofit
Repositioning Fund.


Well, congratulations to you.

Charles told me that you
championed this book.

Well done.

Well, my one desire
is to service Charles.

Excuse us.


What on earth
does he see in her?

Do I have cabernet teeth?

No, you're good.




Hey, you guys!


I thought you were sleeping.

- She was drawing.
- I'm going to be an artist.

I'm going to be a
dermatologist or a jump-roper.


Well, the time is now,
the walrus said,

for all good children
to go to bed.

- No.
- Not yet.

But your stuffed animals
are all alone in the dark.

She's right.

Daddy said we're moving soon,

but don't worry, we can bring
all of our stuffies.


To a place more affordable.

He needs money for his business.

I said we might move, girls.

But we may not have to.

I'm hoping I can convince
Edward L.L. Moore

to write another book in the
"Crown of Kings" series...


Well, just let me know
if Princess Pam Pam

needs to make an appearance.

Actually, you know,
I take that back.

I just remembered
the fur bikini.

I don't mean to
trouble you with this.

He's just one author I'd never
want to see leave Empirical.

What are you naughty girls
still doing up?

All right, it is time for bed.

Say good night.

Good night.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Nice to see you guys.

Hello again.


There you are.

- Hey.
- Come here.

I got something to show you.

What are you doing?

You're just so sexy when
you're working, I just...

- Oh.
- [laughs]


Oh, no, no, no, not here.

Why, why not?

Because this is my boss's house.

That's why.

- Yeah.
- [squeals]

That's exactly why it's so hot.

Okay, we can't.

Babe, your away game is just...

It's a little weak right now.

That's all.

All right, you know what,
back in the day,

I did it on a park slide

and once in
a Big Boy drive-in.

- So, you know...
- Wow.

My "back in the day"
is happening right now,

and I'm gonna need stories
to tell the 26-year-old

that I'm gonna date when I'm 40.


All right, later, okay?

I promise.




♪ Oh, my, my ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Gimme that
ooh, la, la ♪

♪ Oh, my, my ♪

♪ ♪

Who is Aubrey Alexis?

She's a newcomer,
and she's going to be huge.

Everyone in town's
going to want this book,

but I'm bringing it to you first

because I respect
you as a woman.

You have nice hair.

- [laughs]
- Et cetera, et cetera.

Oh hello, tall girl.


Name's still Liza.

- Mm-hmm.
- Listen.

Redmond is adamant
that we are missing out

if we don't buy
"Me, Myself, and O."

It's about a young woman

who sleeps her away
across four continents

in search of the perfect orgasm.

She bangs a lot of guys,
and in the end,

she realizes the perfect orgasm
is with herself.


Don't be scurred.

I'm not scurred.

[clears throat]

"I learned to embrace
my love of sex.

"It was sunrise at Borobudur,

"the world's most sacred
Buddhist temple.

"We exchanged a serene glance,
and before I knew it,

"Matthius had my face pressed
against a perforated stupa.

Oh, how my blood ran soft."

Hot, huh?

- Uh!
- Yeah.

I'm bringing it to you first,

- but it's not gonna be cheap.
- Oh, god.

I just love how sex-positive
the narrative is.

when can we meet the author?

Oh, you can't.

She does not want to appear
in public.

The book will have to stand
for itself.

Can we make a deal
with an expensive

first-time writer
who won't appear in public?

We never have before.

I'll give you a moment
to think about it.

Tick tock, moment's up.

Redmond, this is crazy.

I'm sorry,
but we're gonna have to pass.


Big mistake, ladies.

Big mistake.


would you like me to sit in

on the Edward L.L. Moore

No, this needs to be

Dried cherries, marcona
almonds, Orbit peppermint gum.

Snack protocols
written into his contract.


Good luck.

We are all begging
for more "COK."

I mean "Crown of Kings,"

of course is C-O-K.

I never said that acronym
out loud.

I always just read it,
alone in my head.

Your fans are dying
for the next book.

No, no, no, definitely done.

You have just built
such an enormous readership.

It's a shame to abandon them.

I know what you're trying
to do, Charles:

put me in a box.

I'm sorry I can't save

but there are plenty of
new authors

yet to be discovered who can.

Of course.

You're right.

Princess Pam Pam!

Jesus Christ!

No, just me.


Look at you.

Oh, how my blood runs soft.

[gasps quietly]

Oh my god.

Both dedications are made out
"to the sugar in my bowl."

And look, in book four

it's the same Buddhist temple
at Borobudur.

Princess Pam Pam
fingers her braids

in the same
"eager yet determined" way

that Aubrey fingers herself
at the end of the book.

And Aubrey's
South African boyfriend

and Master Denton both follow
the same pattern of

"twitch, giggle, and burst"
when they climax.

Oh my god.

So many hot throbbing orbs
and humming obelisks.


Aubrey Alexis...

is L.L. Moore.


Redmond, come on.

Is Edward L.L. Moore
really Aubrey Alexis?

I told you.

I cannot comment.

But danke for the Cobb salad.

You know, I told your
boyfriend that you were with me

when you were actually
making out with Connor Bracks

at the Young Lions reading
last month.

You owe me.

Even if I did know, I would've
already signed a very scary,

very serious, on the life
of my pug, airtight NDA.

Well, could you maybe wink twice

if "yes" accidentally for us?

Look, Nancy Drew
and leggier Nancy Drew.

You really should just
"beware the wrath of the sky,"

you feel me?

What did you just say?

I just casually said

to "beware
the wrath of the sky."

Don't make a big deal about it.

Well, we've had a change
of heart about Aubrey Alexis,

and we would love
to publish the book.

Too late.

Lena Dunham's imprint

has been looking
for their own "big O."

All I had to do was mention

there was masturbation with
a new object in every chapter,

and Lena made an offer.

You already shopped it?


when I tell you to
take something off the market,

I want you to
take it off the market.

Perhaps next time you will trust
me to live and speak my truth.

Okay, thanks.


Edward L.L. Moore

is Empirical's
biggest money maker by far.

We cannot let him
go to another publisher,

even with a book
written under a pseudonym.

[both sigh]

I have a plan B.
It makes me sick but...

Well, you can't take those
on an empty stomach.

That's key.

You have an actual plan,
not the pill.

Never mind.

[Latin music]

♪ ♪

You know, I've always wanted
to date a nice Jewish girl.

I'm not so sure
about the "nice" part.

Yeah, I just think
it's so cool how you've managed

to hold on to your faith
and your sexuality.

Well, there are a lot of
Orthodykes in Brooklyn.

So it helps.

You know,
the nuns at St. Mary's

almost scared me straight.

I'm so glad they didn't.

Well, well, well.

- Look who it is.
- Hey!

Maggie, this is one of
my best friends, Sarah.

Also the ex.

Oh, the ex turned BFF.

I have many of you, Sarah.


- I've heard a lot about you.
- Oh.

I can't believe I've never
seen you out before.

I mean, I'm always here.

Well, I've been focused
on my tomato patch.

Who needs a bar when you belong
to a community garden?

Well, not exactly our community.

Sarah is the one
I was telling you about

who owns the Halal Spiritual Spa
on Kent Street.

It's just a place for our
group to gather at night.

Light some candles,
splash around.

It's very exclusive.

Sounds nice.

Malks, are you coming
tomorrow night

for the full moon kavanot?

I'll call you.


it was very nice to
finally meet the famous Maggie.


Sorry, work.

So, how did you know it was me?


Well, I didn't at first.

But I immediately knew it
couldn't be a first-time writer.

It was too masterful.


But then I wondered,
"what female writer"

possesses that kind of
literary prowess

"but would need to hide
behind a pseudonym?"

I mean, it couldn't be
J.K. Rowling...


Well, that was your first

You assumed it had to be a

- Of course.
- [slurps]

Everyone will.

So what finally led you to me?

"Oh, how my blood runs soft."

- Ah.
- You wanted to be found.

And you are diabolically clever.

I'm curious.

How do you manage to get inside
the mind of a young woman

with such incredible insight?

It started
as a writing exercise.

I needed to get as far away from
"Crown of Kings" as possible,

all those dwarves
and beheadings.

And one morning,
her voice just came to me.

This young woman
overflowing with desire.

There was so much
she needed to say,

and as I liberated Aubrey,

she was liberating me.

That's actually
really beautiful.

Yes, it is.

What about Charles?

Did he figure this out too?

Charles actually has no idea
that I'm here.


Aubrey is very dear to my heart.

Leaving her vulnerable to the
public would be devastating.

I'm as excited about bringing
Aubrey Alexis

to the world as you are.

And I'm not sure
people will find her

as inspiring and empowering

in the ways of the female orgasm
if they knew...


Your secret is safe...

is all I mean to say.


But before I go with you,
Pam Pam,

there's one more thing
you have to do for me.

What's that?

Double your original offer.


[glasses clink]

[continues laughing]


Charles, do you have a minute?

Yeah, sure.

In light of new developments,

Millennial would like to acquire
"Me, Myself, and O."

Liza and I feel
it is a ground-breaking story,

and that women of all ages
will connect

with its honesty
and its uniquely female message.

But we would have to double the
offer to outbid Lena Dunham.

We already passed on this.

What's changed besides
a competition with Lena Dunham?

we're not allowed to say.

I really don't have time
for this today.

I got to jump
on a conference call.


We have to get this book.

Please, trust me.

Liza, I...

Aubrey is not an unknown author.

She's someone
in the Empirical family

we don't want
making a relationship

with another publisher.


I can't tell you more,

but she's not
who she says she is.

She's an old soul,

if you know what I mean,

and kind of mannish.

Okay, um,

she has a very large personality

and a really, scary laugh.

Chelsea Handler?



That's not possible.

Thank you for
coming to me with this.

Make the offer,
whatever it takes.

I don't care if the book sells,

we have to keep him in-house
and happy.


He can't find out
I told you or...

Now it's your turn to trust me.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Oh, what's up with the poncho?

I'm thinking about letting
Josh get under it

in Prospect Park.

Oh, you have come so far.

- I am proud of you.
- Mm.

I was just coming in here

to ask you a huge
and embarrassing favor.

Do you think you could put Josh
on hold for just a couple hours

and come to a Spiritual Spa with me?

Come again?

I'm having lesbian drama.


Yeah, I met the ex.

Heavy duty.
Toes have never seen polish.

- Opposite of you.
- 100%.

And she still has feelings
for Malkie.

I mean, it's obvious,

and they're naked
at some Spa together.

I hate to admit that it
bothers me, but it bothers me.

I just feel like an emo teen.

You know what, let's do it.

Just let me
put some underwear on first.


What kind of bathhouse is this?

I don't know.

Would you like
to check your wig?

Oh no, honey, this is my hair.




I'm sorry.

Let's do this.

I'm not sure we're really
supposed to be here.

You know what,
there's Malkie and Sarah.

I'm going in.




There's a shiksa in the mikveh!


[all screaming]

[mouthing words]

[water gurgling]

I'm so sorry.

You know, I didn't realize.

I mean, in my defense,
she said "spiritual."

I didn't realize it was
a full-blown Jewish thing,

you know?

I thought you knew
about the mikveh.

That's why I didn't invite you.

Now I feel like
a total stalker, you know.

That's like so not me, you know?

I haven't liked somebody like
this in so long,

and now you're probably

never gonna
want to see me again.



I would be jealous as hell

if you were naked
anywhere with your ex.

From now on, I am not
leaving you out of anything,

holidays, prayers.

Do you have plans
tomorrow night?

- What's tomorrow night?
- It's sort of a ritual.

Do you have cleats?

[relaxed music]

♪ ♪

Okay, I'm gonna drop this off
at Redmond's for Aubrey to sign.

- Oh, we did it, girl.
- I know.

This could be huge
for Millennial.

Okay, I know.

Let's not jinx it
by over-celebrating.

Okay, maybe just a hand hug?


All right, that's good.
That's good.

Okay, yeah.
Then we're done.

♪ ♪

[knocking on door]

I'm just saying good night.

That was a big save, Liza.

You mean a big acquisition
of an unknown author.

I only break this out
for special occasions.

To Aubrey.

May she sell like Edward.

[glasses clink]

- [laughs]
- Cheers.

My grandfather always said

the true joy of publishing

is taking pleasure
in each project.


It wasn't about
making money for him.

It was like collecting art.

But at least in this business

there's a chance you'll
come across a piece of art

while trying to make money,


Every now and then,

something really unexpected
comes along.

[knock at door]

I've been waiting for you
in the lobby.

I am so sorry.

I just have to

grab some mockups from Art.

I'll be right back.


- Sorry.
- Drinks at work?

Oh, uh...

yeah, we were kind of

Well, I know Charles
thinks you're very valuable.

Oh, good.

It's always nice to know
when the boss likes you.

I mean, likes your work...

as an employee.


Tell me about yourself, Liza.

Oh, where do I start?

At the beginning.

I would love to know
everything there is to know

about the young woman
who spends so much time

with the man that I am just...

crazy about.


Well, we'll have to
grab lunch sometime.

Sounds great.

Good night.

Good night.

- Good night.
- Good night.

[indistinct chatter]

You know what?
Hand me my mitt.

You own a mitt?

Of course.
It's in my duffle.


Shut up.

What's your game plan
here, Mags?

[sighs] I have no idea.

Well, you know they can run,

just don't let them get on base.

All right!

Let's get this show
started, ladies!

I must really like Malkie.

I think you do!

Well, you know, babe.

This isn't really
the kind of away game

I was thinking about but...

Oh, you were thinking
more like...

Uh... yeah.

Are you serious?

You thought I just came here
to watch softball?

All right!

[claps] Yes!


♪ I want to take you
home with me ♪

I love you.

[bat clinks]

[players cheer]

♪ I want a little something
magical ♪

♪ You got something magic... ♪

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy -
- -