Younger (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Un-Jaded - full transcript
Kelsey informs Liza about Jade's book--that there is none and that she spent the advance. They don't know what they are going to do. Charles assigns Diane to a writer who supports women and she finds herself attracted to him but he wants to treat her like an equal. When a guy who works for a rival company approaches Kelsey about maybe taking Jade, Kelsey and Liza decide to use her social media posts to write the "book's" first chapter and post it on the web to make him think there's a book.
[upbeat music]
*
- Good morning.
- [moans]
- Ha.
- Good morning.
- Ah.
- [groans]
What?
- Huh.
Ha, that's weird.
I can't move my arm.
Oh--that's as far up
as it'll go.
- That is weird.
- What sort of sexual wizardry
did you perform on me
last night?
- If anyone was doing
any wizardry,
babe, it was definitely you.
- Ow.
Look at the--look at the
difference between the two.
- All right, let me see this.
- Easy, don't--
- You would prefer me not
to break your arm?
- I would prefer that, yes.
- All right, all right.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
- Ah, okay!
Okay, okay, okay.
- Ah!
Strange.
- So strange.
- That's as far as it goes?
- Yeah.
- Hmm...
Does this hurt?
- Yep.
- How 'bout this?
- Yep.
- This?
- Yep.
I think there's a pattern
forming here.
- I'll tell you what
you've got here.
Adhesive capsulitis.
- That doesn't sound good.
- They also call it
"40-year-old shoulder."
- "40-year-old shoulder"?
- Happens to some people
around the age of 40.
Ligaments tighten up
for no reason.
It works itself out
in about a week or so.
Just won't be able to raise your
arm above a "heil."
- That's...inconvenient.
They have no idea
what causes it, or...
- Sure they do: age.
Just the kind of thing that
starts happening in your 40s.
You know, you're losing
your reproductive function,
so nature deems you unnecessary
and therefore ready for decay.
Bone density goes.
Your elasticity goes.
Your eyesight goes.
With women, there's often
a thinning of the walls of the--
- Uh, let's just stick to
the shoulder, okay?
- Well, that'll be fine.
Just might want to start taking
some calcium.
It's always good to get
a head start.
- [forced laugh]
- Calcium.
- I'm sorry you had to hear
all that.
- Oh, it's okay.
Uh, we better get busy, though,
before you fall apart.
- [laughs]
[laid-back groove music]
*
There's no book?
- There is no book.
There never was a book.
There will never be a book.
We are totally screwed.
- I can't believe Jade
just blew through
her entire advance like that
and live-tweeted it.
- Well, she didn't blow through
the entire advance.
I mean, there's still
$1,200 left.
- Ugh, what are we gonna do?
- I'm gonna lay low
for morning meeting.
Okay? Wait for lunch.
We'll talk about it.
In the meantime, not a word
to Charles or Diana.
Okay?
- Okay.
[sighs]
- You wanted to see me?
- I just got off the phone
with Hugh Shirley's agent.
He wanted me to know,
before Hugh's pitch today,
a pre-emptive offer on
"The Male Feminist."
- Oh, for God's sake.
What, they kill
all the bookstores,
and now they have to come after
the authors too?
- But Hugh would rather not
go to Achilles.
- Really?
- Authors are starting
to hate them too.
There's a backlash.
That's why the agent was
giving me the head's up.
I think we still have
a great chance
to land this today.
- Oh, no, we must.
I mean, this could be huge.
It's totally in the zeitgeist.
- Couldn't agree more.
I want you to take
the lead on this.
I need you on your game today.
- I will be gamier than ever.
I was--I'll be in my office.
[rock music]
Liza.
Do I have everything there is
on Hugh Shirley?
- Uh, actually, I just pulled up
one of his lectures.
It's called "Crushing The
Patriarchy From Within."
I cued it up for you.
- I'm wearing a bosom. Why?
Because while a man can never
truly know
what it's like to be a woman,
it doesn't mean he can't try.
[baby crying]
And...
[cheers and applause]
Ladies and gentlemen,
I have never felt
more beautiful.
- Oh, good Lord, what a...
powerful, powerful message--
a message that,
if I have my way,
will be heard by every
man, woman,
and post-pubescent child
in this country.
I am not going to sell this
as a book.
No, I'm going to sell this
as an anthem,
a call to action
for a new generation.
In my mind, "The Male Feminist"
is "The Feminine Mystique"
for the 21st century.
And in Empirical's hands,
you'll be nothing less than
the new Betty Friedan.
- [gasps]
And she would be
my point person?
- She would.
- Then I'm interested.
On one condition:
that we make a deal and then
you pay me 77¢ on the dollar
for that deal.
I want to be paid like a woman,
and I want that to be
part of the campaign.
- That is brilliant.
- I think we can arrange that.
- Then let's make a book.
[applause]
- Liza?
Uh, where are we on
the Jade Winslow book?
Are we on track?
- Yeah, uh...
Yea--absolutely.
- Didn't she promise us
a first chapter by now?
- Yes. Yes, she did.
- And?
- And...it...
is so good.
- Uh, great.
When can I read it?
- Uh, well, um,
Kelsey's just going over it
with a fine-toothed comb.
You know how dedicated she is.
- Yeah.
I'd like to read it tomorrow.
- I will tell her that.
- Great.
- Tomorrow?
Why would you tell him that?
- He had me cornered.
What could I say?
- Anything but that!
You can't promise pages
that we don't have.
- I know.
I just--I panicked.
- Oh, God.
I guess it's time
to tell Charles.
- Mm.
- So long, Millennial.
It was fun while it lasted.
Oh, God.
Just what I need.
- Who's that?
- Brad Westlake.
He's such a dick.
We interned together.
He was so far up everyone's ass,
they called him "The Butt Plug."
Now he's at Achilles, obviously.
- Kelsey Peters.
Gorgeous as ever.
- Brad Westlake.
It's good to see you.
This is Liza Miller,
my associate.
- Hi, it's nice to--ow!
I'm sorry.
I fell off the elliptical
this morning,
and I sprained my arm.
- What? I didn't know that.
- Oh, it's nothing.
- Congrats on, uh,
getting your own imprint.
- Congratulations on
being at Achilles.
You're a-killin' it.
- Yeah...
- In fact, you guys are
killin' all of us.
- Amazingly, people are actually
boycotting us.
Let's face it.
I mean, it's never gonna last.
In the end, money...
always wins, right?
So give me a call
when you're ready to play
with the big dogs.
- "Money always wins"?
Who actually says that?
- Speaking of money,
Jade just blew her last $1,200.
- Oh, God. On what?
- A diamond pacifier.
Official time of death:
1:26 p.m.
- Wait a minute.
Let me see that.
All we need is
one chapter, right?
- Yeah.
- Well, you're looking at it.
- What?
- She basically posts
every moment of her life online.
It's like she's been
writing her autobiography
140 characters at a time.
- That's true.
- We already own
all of her social media.
I just need to add
a little narrative,
come up with some
imaginative profanity.
I could do that in a night.
- That's one chapter.
How are you gonna write
the rest of the book?
- I may not have to.
[fast-paced electronic music]
*
[phone dings]
*
[blowtorch firing loudly]
- I loved you in "Flashdance."
- Oh. Thank you.
- Wow.
Look at that.
- Yeah, she's inspired by
a Hindu warrior goddess.
She represents fearlessness
and patience.
- Ugh, it's amazing, isn't it?
I mean, look at her:
she could stab a guy
and give nine handies
at the same time.
- That's one perspective.
- Oh, my God.
You know who would love this?
Hector and Dorff.
They could install this
in their flagship store.
It's opening in a couple days.
Do you mind
if I show it to them?
- Knock yourself out.
- [squeals] Ah, it's perfect.
Thank you.
- Oh, Lauren, we're still on
for later, right?
- Absolutely.
You're in my squad, girl.
- What's that about?
- I need her devious mind.
- Well, take it.
I need the devious rest of her.
- Is she living here now?
- Eh, you know what they say.
What does a lesbian bring
to a second date?
both: A U-Haul.
[energetic music]
*
- Well, obviously we'll book you
on all the big shows,
but I'd like to do a few events
at the 92nd Street Y
where you square off
with some of the country's
top misogynists.
You know, like Jon Stewart did
with Bill O'Reilly.
Actually, Bill O'Reilly
might work for this.
Maybe Donald Trump.
- I'd love that.
Also, I'd love to do a reading
solely for influential
architects.
I mean, I look
around the cities,
and all I see are penises.
Empire State Building.
the Seattle Space Needle.
The Washington Monument
might as well have
semen coming out of it.
Where's the monument
for Eleanor Roosevelt
that's shaped like a vulva?
I want to speak
to those people directly.
- Consider it done.
- Can I just say how happy I am
I made the choice I made?
I'm really impressed with you.
- I can assure you
you are in far better hands here
than you would've ever been
at Achilles.
- Oh, please.
I never would have gone there.
Do you know they don't even
cover on-site mammograms?
- Ah.
- Listen. I'm sorry.
I really have to cut this short,
because I'm lecturing
at Barnard tomorrow,
but I'd love to tell
those students
a bit about the book.
Is there any chance
we could finish this
tonight over dinner?
- Your wish is my command.
- Wait.
I didn't just make you feel
dominated, did I?
- No, no. Just an expression.
[new-wave music]
- Ow.
- What wrong with you?
- What?
Oh, uh, nothing.
I'm just having a little trouble
with my arm.
Ow!
- Oh!
You have 40-year-old shoulder.
- No, no. No, I don't.
Ow! Stop that.
- That 40-year-old shoulder.
- No, stop saying that.
I do not have
40-year-old shoulder.
I'm not even 30.
- 30?
Who you kidding?
- Excuse me.
- Hey. Come here.
- Just...
So?
- It's amazing.
- So hot.
- Really?
- You nailed it.
You got such great stuff.
The Marie Claire enema retreat?
- Ugh, I knew they had more than
just a stick up their butt.
- You got this all
off her social media?
- Yeah, I mean, it took
some digging, but I did it.
I had to condense a couple of
things for time's sake.
That's okay, right?
- Yeah.
Liza, you don't always
have to be
such a stickler for the truth.
- So you think it's leakable?
- Yes, yes, I'll float it to
my friend at "The Cut."
She will never know
it came from you, okay?
I promise.
She will eat this alive.
- Her chapter was leaked
on a fashion blog?
How did this happen?
- She obviously leaked
her own book.
- That is so Jade.
- [disgusted sigh]
- Writing's very choppy.
- Well, uh, she does have
her own voice.
- Syntax is clunky at best.
- Again, her voice.
- I don't want any more
material leaked.
One chapter whips up interest.
Any more than that's too much.
- Oh, you won't have to worry
about that.
I promise.
- Thank you.
- Okay. You're up.
- [sighs]
Brad Westlake.
It's Kelsey Peters.
How would you like to have
a drink with me?
[jazz music]
- And another thing:
why do we have urinals?
I mean, just because men
can pee standing up
doesn't mean that
it should be encouraged.
I mean, it simply
reinforces the idea
that men are superior to women.
- Right.
- No, literally.
One who pees standing up
is above those
who pee sitting down.
And urinals are the last vestige
of a violent power structure.
- You make an excellent point.
Can I have some more wine?
- And when did we decide
that menstruation is
so disgusting?
I mean, in other cultures,
it's considered
this wonderful gift
from the heavens
that should be
celebrated openly.
But no, no, no.
The male Western patriarchy
came in and some point
just decided
that it should be shameful
and that women should
hide it from men.
I mean, God forbid a tampon
gets left unflushed
in a toilet somewhere.
It becomes a total
cause célèbre.
- Never looked at it like that.
- Did you know
that I wore a tampon
for an entire day last week
just to know what it felt like?
- Why, that is...
so revolting.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I appreciate your intentions,
I really do,
and I am going to ensure
that your book
is a mammoth success,
but try as you may,
you can never know
what it is like to be a woman.
You can wear as many tampons
or bosoms as you like,
but you will never understand
what we go through.
I am sorry. It is true.
May I please get some more wine?
- You're absolutely right.
It's the greatest frustration
of my life.
[sighs]
I'm sorry; it's just
such a catch-22.
Men can't be women, and yet
we can't help feminism
from the outside.
We just need to find a way
to get inside women.
I mean, that's all I want to do
with the book:
get inside women.
I just want to be...
inside...you.
[fast dance music]
*
- Let's get a taxi.
- Yes.
- Okay.
- I agree.
- Taxi! Taxi!
Okay.
What are you doing?
- You've been drinking.
I want to make sure
you really want this.
- I--I want this.
- You say that now,
but who knows
how you're gonna feel tomorrow.
This is too special a connection
to ruin with a one-night stand.
- Let's roll the dice.
- No--no!
I'll call you tomorrow,
and when I say that, I mean it.
Get her home safe, okay?
Not that she isn't
perfectly capable
of getting home
without a man's help.
[funky rock music]
*
- So what are we drinking to?
- It was just so great
to see you the other day.
I thought we should celebrate
our successes.
You're kicking ass.
I'm kicking ass.
We're both kicking ass.
- To kicking ass.
- To kicking ass.
I needed this.
- Yeah.
- Things have been so crazy
with the Winslow chapter
leaking.
I mean, publishing houses
have been calling
all day with offers.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Charles was so pissed
about the leak.
I mean, it took everything I had
to keep him from selling it.
I finally made him realize,
you know,
leaks are good.
They get everyone talking.
This book is going to be
even bigger for Millennial
than I thought.
- So Charles wanted to sell?
- Yeah.
But I talked him out of it.
Besides, none of those offers
were anywhere near
what I would let it go for.
- Well, how much would you
let it go for?
- Brad!
No shop talk.
- How much would you take?
- I don't think
you could afford it.
- Oh, try me.
Okay, look.
The truth is, these agent
and author boycotts,
they've been hitting me
pretty hard.
I actually haven't
acquired anything in months.
This would be a huge get for me.
Now, how much would you take
to get it off your hands?
- [sighs]
I don't know, um...
maybe...
double our advance?
- Done.
- You don't need to check
with your boss first?
- No, I have that authority
right now.
- Well, I don't.
Give me a sec.
[dance music]
*
- You're a genius!
- Yeah, well, you really
manipulated The Butt Plug.
- Damn right I did.
- So let me just clarify
a few things
before the Achilles lawyer
calls me in, uh,
oh, I'd say about ten minutes.
We never got any pages
from Jade Winslow.
Liza wrote the chapter,
which you then had someone
leak to "The Cut,"
which somehow helped
convince Achilles
it was worth double
what you paid for it?
Is that the, uh, gist of things?
- Yeah.
- Pretty much.
- But everything in that chapter
was culled
from intellectual property
of Jade Winslow's
that we already own,
so in essence,
in a completely unorthodox
yet totally legal way,
we have successfully
fleeced Achilles
out of $500,000?
- Yep.
- Pretty much.
- Well, not that
I'm giving my blessing,
because this is not how
we do business around here...
But I guess we can chalk it up
to a learning experience
with some enjoyable
fringe benefits.
You dodged a bullet this time.
And, um, you got
a lot of money now.
Spend it wisely.
both: We will.
- [sighs]
- Ha, ha.
- [laughing]
[phone dings]
Oh.
This should be fun.
- Uh-huh.
- Hello?
- Hey, Jade.
It's Kelsey and Liza.
- Hi, Jade.
- You know what?
Don't "Hi, Jade" me, all right?
What is this shit on "The Cut"
about you selling my book?
- It's true; you are working
for Achilles now.
- [laughs]
- Wait, are you kidding?
No, I don't want my book
at Achilles, all right?
I refuse to have my book
at Achilles.
- Aren't you forgetting
one tiny little detail?
- What's that?
- Bitch, there is no book!
Bye!
- What?
- Ha ha!
Ow!
[upbeat music]
- See?
I knew Hector and Dorff
would love the sculpture.
I told 'em we'd stop by
before the opening.
- I can't wait to see
where they have it on display.
- Yeah. [squeals]
Oh, my God.
Maggie, I am so sorry.
I had no idea.
- Hey!
Hello! Hey, look.
It looks amazing, doesn't it?
- So spiritual.
- Spiritual?
You're hanging clothes from it.
- Clothes? No.
This is outerwear.
- Every piece? Work of art.
- Yes, and Maggie's sculpture is
also a work of art.
- Are you saying her art
is more art than our art?
- As long as the check clears,
I'm good.
- Yes? Okay, look.
We want two more. Okay?
- As soon as possible.
- Done.
- But what about
your Hindu goddess?
- I have to say, she looks
pretty damn good in cashmere.
- * Is it too much to ask
* For a little distraction
[knocking on door]
- Hey, baby.
- Hello.
- Let me help you
with your coat.
- Oh, thank you.
I could use it.
- Mm-hmm.
How was your day?
- It was a good day.
Except for this damn shoulder.
- Well, you know,
I did a little research.
Turns out, you know what
the cure
for 40-year-old shoulder is?
- What?
- 26-year-old massage.
- Ooh.
- Ooh!
- [laughs]
- * I'll chew you up
and spit you out again *
* No, I can't love you *
* Like a gentleman
*
*
- Good morning.
- [moans]
- Ha.
- Good morning.
- Ah.
- [groans]
What?
- Huh.
Ha, that's weird.
I can't move my arm.
Oh--that's as far up
as it'll go.
- That is weird.
- What sort of sexual wizardry
did you perform on me
last night?
- If anyone was doing
any wizardry,
babe, it was definitely you.
- Ow.
Look at the--look at the
difference between the two.
- All right, let me see this.
- Easy, don't--
- You would prefer me not
to break your arm?
- I would prefer that, yes.
- All right, all right.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
- Ah, okay!
Okay, okay, okay.
- Ah!
Strange.
- So strange.
- That's as far as it goes?
- Yeah.
- Hmm...
Does this hurt?
- Yep.
- How 'bout this?
- Yep.
- This?
- Yep.
I think there's a pattern
forming here.
- I'll tell you what
you've got here.
Adhesive capsulitis.
- That doesn't sound good.
- They also call it
"40-year-old shoulder."
- "40-year-old shoulder"?
- Happens to some people
around the age of 40.
Ligaments tighten up
for no reason.
It works itself out
in about a week or so.
Just won't be able to raise your
arm above a "heil."
- That's...inconvenient.
They have no idea
what causes it, or...
- Sure they do: age.
Just the kind of thing that
starts happening in your 40s.
You know, you're losing
your reproductive function,
so nature deems you unnecessary
and therefore ready for decay.
Bone density goes.
Your elasticity goes.
Your eyesight goes.
With women, there's often
a thinning of the walls of the--
- Uh, let's just stick to
the shoulder, okay?
- Well, that'll be fine.
Just might want to start taking
some calcium.
It's always good to get
a head start.
- [forced laugh]
- Calcium.
- I'm sorry you had to hear
all that.
- Oh, it's okay.
Uh, we better get busy, though,
before you fall apart.
- [laughs]
[laid-back groove music]
*
There's no book?
- There is no book.
There never was a book.
There will never be a book.
We are totally screwed.
- I can't believe Jade
just blew through
her entire advance like that
and live-tweeted it.
- Well, she didn't blow through
the entire advance.
I mean, there's still
$1,200 left.
- Ugh, what are we gonna do?
- I'm gonna lay low
for morning meeting.
Okay? Wait for lunch.
We'll talk about it.
In the meantime, not a word
to Charles or Diana.
Okay?
- Okay.
[sighs]
- You wanted to see me?
- I just got off the phone
with Hugh Shirley's agent.
He wanted me to know,
before Hugh's pitch today,
a pre-emptive offer on
"The Male Feminist."
- Oh, for God's sake.
What, they kill
all the bookstores,
and now they have to come after
the authors too?
- But Hugh would rather not
go to Achilles.
- Really?
- Authors are starting
to hate them too.
There's a backlash.
That's why the agent was
giving me the head's up.
I think we still have
a great chance
to land this today.
- Oh, no, we must.
I mean, this could be huge.
It's totally in the zeitgeist.
- Couldn't agree more.
I want you to take
the lead on this.
I need you on your game today.
- I will be gamier than ever.
I was--I'll be in my office.
[rock music]
Liza.
Do I have everything there is
on Hugh Shirley?
- Uh, actually, I just pulled up
one of his lectures.
It's called "Crushing The
Patriarchy From Within."
I cued it up for you.
- I'm wearing a bosom. Why?
Because while a man can never
truly know
what it's like to be a woman,
it doesn't mean he can't try.
[baby crying]
And...
[cheers and applause]
Ladies and gentlemen,
I have never felt
more beautiful.
- Oh, good Lord, what a...
powerful, powerful message--
a message that,
if I have my way,
will be heard by every
man, woman,
and post-pubescent child
in this country.
I am not going to sell this
as a book.
No, I'm going to sell this
as an anthem,
a call to action
for a new generation.
In my mind, "The Male Feminist"
is "The Feminine Mystique"
for the 21st century.
And in Empirical's hands,
you'll be nothing less than
the new Betty Friedan.
- [gasps]
And she would be
my point person?
- She would.
- Then I'm interested.
On one condition:
that we make a deal and then
you pay me 77¢ on the dollar
for that deal.
I want to be paid like a woman,
and I want that to be
part of the campaign.
- That is brilliant.
- I think we can arrange that.
- Then let's make a book.
[applause]
- Liza?
Uh, where are we on
the Jade Winslow book?
Are we on track?
- Yeah, uh...
Yea--absolutely.
- Didn't she promise us
a first chapter by now?
- Yes. Yes, she did.
- And?
- And...it...
is so good.
- Uh, great.
When can I read it?
- Uh, well, um,
Kelsey's just going over it
with a fine-toothed comb.
You know how dedicated she is.
- Yeah.
I'd like to read it tomorrow.
- I will tell her that.
- Great.
- Tomorrow?
Why would you tell him that?
- He had me cornered.
What could I say?
- Anything but that!
You can't promise pages
that we don't have.
- I know.
I just--I panicked.
- Oh, God.
I guess it's time
to tell Charles.
- Mm.
- So long, Millennial.
It was fun while it lasted.
Oh, God.
Just what I need.
- Who's that?
- Brad Westlake.
He's such a dick.
We interned together.
He was so far up everyone's ass,
they called him "The Butt Plug."
Now he's at Achilles, obviously.
- Kelsey Peters.
Gorgeous as ever.
- Brad Westlake.
It's good to see you.
This is Liza Miller,
my associate.
- Hi, it's nice to--ow!
I'm sorry.
I fell off the elliptical
this morning,
and I sprained my arm.
- What? I didn't know that.
- Oh, it's nothing.
- Congrats on, uh,
getting your own imprint.
- Congratulations on
being at Achilles.
You're a-killin' it.
- Yeah...
- In fact, you guys are
killin' all of us.
- Amazingly, people are actually
boycotting us.
Let's face it.
I mean, it's never gonna last.
In the end, money...
always wins, right?
So give me a call
when you're ready to play
with the big dogs.
- "Money always wins"?
Who actually says that?
- Speaking of money,
Jade just blew her last $1,200.
- Oh, God. On what?
- A diamond pacifier.
Official time of death:
1:26 p.m.
- Wait a minute.
Let me see that.
All we need is
one chapter, right?
- Yeah.
- Well, you're looking at it.
- What?
- She basically posts
every moment of her life online.
It's like she's been
writing her autobiography
140 characters at a time.
- That's true.
- We already own
all of her social media.
I just need to add
a little narrative,
come up with some
imaginative profanity.
I could do that in a night.
- That's one chapter.
How are you gonna write
the rest of the book?
- I may not have to.
[fast-paced electronic music]
*
[phone dings]
*
[blowtorch firing loudly]
- I loved you in "Flashdance."
- Oh. Thank you.
- Wow.
Look at that.
- Yeah, she's inspired by
a Hindu warrior goddess.
She represents fearlessness
and patience.
- Ugh, it's amazing, isn't it?
I mean, look at her:
she could stab a guy
and give nine handies
at the same time.
- That's one perspective.
- Oh, my God.
You know who would love this?
Hector and Dorff.
They could install this
in their flagship store.
It's opening in a couple days.
Do you mind
if I show it to them?
- Knock yourself out.
- [squeals] Ah, it's perfect.
Thank you.
- Oh, Lauren, we're still on
for later, right?
- Absolutely.
You're in my squad, girl.
- What's that about?
- I need her devious mind.
- Well, take it.
I need the devious rest of her.
- Is she living here now?
- Eh, you know what they say.
What does a lesbian bring
to a second date?
both: A U-Haul.
[energetic music]
*
- Well, obviously we'll book you
on all the big shows,
but I'd like to do a few events
at the 92nd Street Y
where you square off
with some of the country's
top misogynists.
You know, like Jon Stewart did
with Bill O'Reilly.
Actually, Bill O'Reilly
might work for this.
Maybe Donald Trump.
- I'd love that.
Also, I'd love to do a reading
solely for influential
architects.
I mean, I look
around the cities,
and all I see are penises.
Empire State Building.
the Seattle Space Needle.
The Washington Monument
might as well have
semen coming out of it.
Where's the monument
for Eleanor Roosevelt
that's shaped like a vulva?
I want to speak
to those people directly.
- Consider it done.
- Can I just say how happy I am
I made the choice I made?
I'm really impressed with you.
- I can assure you
you are in far better hands here
than you would've ever been
at Achilles.
- Oh, please.
I never would have gone there.
Do you know they don't even
cover on-site mammograms?
- Ah.
- Listen. I'm sorry.
I really have to cut this short,
because I'm lecturing
at Barnard tomorrow,
but I'd love to tell
those students
a bit about the book.
Is there any chance
we could finish this
tonight over dinner?
- Your wish is my command.
- Wait.
I didn't just make you feel
dominated, did I?
- No, no. Just an expression.
[new-wave music]
- Ow.
- What wrong with you?
- What?
Oh, uh, nothing.
I'm just having a little trouble
with my arm.
Ow!
- Oh!
You have 40-year-old shoulder.
- No, no. No, I don't.
Ow! Stop that.
- That 40-year-old shoulder.
- No, stop saying that.
I do not have
40-year-old shoulder.
I'm not even 30.
- 30?
Who you kidding?
- Excuse me.
- Hey. Come here.
- Just...
So?
- It's amazing.
- So hot.
- Really?
- You nailed it.
You got such great stuff.
The Marie Claire enema retreat?
- Ugh, I knew they had more than
just a stick up their butt.
- You got this all
off her social media?
- Yeah, I mean, it took
some digging, but I did it.
I had to condense a couple of
things for time's sake.
That's okay, right?
- Yeah.
Liza, you don't always
have to be
such a stickler for the truth.
- So you think it's leakable?
- Yes, yes, I'll float it to
my friend at "The Cut."
She will never know
it came from you, okay?
I promise.
She will eat this alive.
- Her chapter was leaked
on a fashion blog?
How did this happen?
- She obviously leaked
her own book.
- That is so Jade.
- [disgusted sigh]
- Writing's very choppy.
- Well, uh, she does have
her own voice.
- Syntax is clunky at best.
- Again, her voice.
- I don't want any more
material leaked.
One chapter whips up interest.
Any more than that's too much.
- Oh, you won't have to worry
about that.
I promise.
- Thank you.
- Okay. You're up.
- [sighs]
Brad Westlake.
It's Kelsey Peters.
How would you like to have
a drink with me?
[jazz music]
- And another thing:
why do we have urinals?
I mean, just because men
can pee standing up
doesn't mean that
it should be encouraged.
I mean, it simply
reinforces the idea
that men are superior to women.
- Right.
- No, literally.
One who pees standing up
is above those
who pee sitting down.
And urinals are the last vestige
of a violent power structure.
- You make an excellent point.
Can I have some more wine?
- And when did we decide
that menstruation is
so disgusting?
I mean, in other cultures,
it's considered
this wonderful gift
from the heavens
that should be
celebrated openly.
But no, no, no.
The male Western patriarchy
came in and some point
just decided
that it should be shameful
and that women should
hide it from men.
I mean, God forbid a tampon
gets left unflushed
in a toilet somewhere.
It becomes a total
cause célèbre.
- Never looked at it like that.
- Did you know
that I wore a tampon
for an entire day last week
just to know what it felt like?
- Why, that is...
so revolting.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I appreciate your intentions,
I really do,
and I am going to ensure
that your book
is a mammoth success,
but try as you may,
you can never know
what it is like to be a woman.
You can wear as many tampons
or bosoms as you like,
but you will never understand
what we go through.
I am sorry. It is true.
May I please get some more wine?
- You're absolutely right.
It's the greatest frustration
of my life.
[sighs]
I'm sorry; it's just
such a catch-22.
Men can't be women, and yet
we can't help feminism
from the outside.
We just need to find a way
to get inside women.
I mean, that's all I want to do
with the book:
get inside women.
I just want to be...
inside...you.
[fast dance music]
*
- Let's get a taxi.
- Yes.
- Okay.
- I agree.
- Taxi! Taxi!
Okay.
What are you doing?
- You've been drinking.
I want to make sure
you really want this.
- I--I want this.
- You say that now,
but who knows
how you're gonna feel tomorrow.
This is too special a connection
to ruin with a one-night stand.
- Let's roll the dice.
- No--no!
I'll call you tomorrow,
and when I say that, I mean it.
Get her home safe, okay?
Not that she isn't
perfectly capable
of getting home
without a man's help.
[funky rock music]
*
- So what are we drinking to?
- It was just so great
to see you the other day.
I thought we should celebrate
our successes.
You're kicking ass.
I'm kicking ass.
We're both kicking ass.
- To kicking ass.
- To kicking ass.
I needed this.
- Yeah.
- Things have been so crazy
with the Winslow chapter
leaking.
I mean, publishing houses
have been calling
all day with offers.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Charles was so pissed
about the leak.
I mean, it took everything I had
to keep him from selling it.
I finally made him realize,
you know,
leaks are good.
They get everyone talking.
This book is going to be
even bigger for Millennial
than I thought.
- So Charles wanted to sell?
- Yeah.
But I talked him out of it.
Besides, none of those offers
were anywhere near
what I would let it go for.
- Well, how much would you
let it go for?
- Brad!
No shop talk.
- How much would you take?
- I don't think
you could afford it.
- Oh, try me.
Okay, look.
The truth is, these agent
and author boycotts,
they've been hitting me
pretty hard.
I actually haven't
acquired anything in months.
This would be a huge get for me.
Now, how much would you take
to get it off your hands?
- [sighs]
I don't know, um...
maybe...
double our advance?
- Done.
- You don't need to check
with your boss first?
- No, I have that authority
right now.
- Well, I don't.
Give me a sec.
[dance music]
*
- You're a genius!
- Yeah, well, you really
manipulated The Butt Plug.
- Damn right I did.
- So let me just clarify
a few things
before the Achilles lawyer
calls me in, uh,
oh, I'd say about ten minutes.
We never got any pages
from Jade Winslow.
Liza wrote the chapter,
which you then had someone
leak to "The Cut,"
which somehow helped
convince Achilles
it was worth double
what you paid for it?
Is that the, uh, gist of things?
- Yeah.
- Pretty much.
- But everything in that chapter
was culled
from intellectual property
of Jade Winslow's
that we already own,
so in essence,
in a completely unorthodox
yet totally legal way,
we have successfully
fleeced Achilles
out of $500,000?
- Yep.
- Pretty much.
- Well, not that
I'm giving my blessing,
because this is not how
we do business around here...
But I guess we can chalk it up
to a learning experience
with some enjoyable
fringe benefits.
You dodged a bullet this time.
And, um, you got
a lot of money now.
Spend it wisely.
both: We will.
- [sighs]
- Ha, ha.
- [laughing]
[phone dings]
Oh.
This should be fun.
- Uh-huh.
- Hello?
- Hey, Jade.
It's Kelsey and Liza.
- Hi, Jade.
- You know what?
Don't "Hi, Jade" me, all right?
What is this shit on "The Cut"
about you selling my book?
- It's true; you are working
for Achilles now.
- [laughs]
- Wait, are you kidding?
No, I don't want my book
at Achilles, all right?
I refuse to have my book
at Achilles.
- Aren't you forgetting
one tiny little detail?
- What's that?
- Bitch, there is no book!
Bye!
- What?
- Ha ha!
Ow!
[upbeat music]
- See?
I knew Hector and Dorff
would love the sculpture.
I told 'em we'd stop by
before the opening.
- I can't wait to see
where they have it on display.
- Yeah. [squeals]
Oh, my God.
Maggie, I am so sorry.
I had no idea.
- Hey!
Hello! Hey, look.
It looks amazing, doesn't it?
- So spiritual.
- Spiritual?
You're hanging clothes from it.
- Clothes? No.
This is outerwear.
- Every piece? Work of art.
- Yes, and Maggie's sculpture is
also a work of art.
- Are you saying her art
is more art than our art?
- As long as the check clears,
I'm good.
- Yes? Okay, look.
We want two more. Okay?
- As soon as possible.
- Done.
- But what about
your Hindu goddess?
- I have to say, she looks
pretty damn good in cashmere.
- * Is it too much to ask
* For a little distraction
[knocking on door]
- Hey, baby.
- Hello.
- Let me help you
with your coat.
- Oh, thank you.
I could use it.
- Mm-hmm.
How was your day?
- It was a good day.
Except for this damn shoulder.
- Well, you know,
I did a little research.
Turns out, you know what
the cure
for 40-year-old shoulder is?
- What?
- 26-year-old massage.
- Ooh.
- Ooh!
- [laughs]
- * I'll chew you up
and spit you out again *
* No, I can't love you *
* Like a gentleman
*