Younger (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Jersey, Sure - full transcript
Hoping to learn more about Liza's life, Josh attends a dinner in Jersey with her.
[upbeat music]
*
- How'd you get to be
big spoon, huh?
I'm supposed to be
big spoon.
Oh, ah.
Okay, never mind.
I like being little spoon.
- [chuckling]
Wanna fork?
- Abso-forking-lutely.
[phone ringing]
- Oh, I've got
to get to work.
- No.
- I know. I'm sorry.
[phone chimes]
- Ooh, I have got an interesting
new Instagram follower.
- Don't tell me.
It's a--a young, hot
teenage girl
who just loves your tattoos.
Oh, I hate it
when I'm right.
- No, it--
it's your daughter, Caitlin.
- What?
No, ban her.
- You mean block her?
- Yes, block--
block her.
- Come on.
She's following the band.
I think it's nice.
- Nice?
- She wants to get
to know me.
I think that's
a good thing.
- I guess it is,
but I--
Okay, look, um...
[sighs]
This divorce has been
really hard on Caitlin,
and I don't want
to throw anything new at her
unless we're--
You know,
we're serious.
- We're not serious, hmm?
- I, um--
we are serious.
I just want to give her
more time,
and I want to give us
more time.
- Okay.
But you have to
get to work.
- Can you be really quick?
- I can be so quick.
- Okay.
Whoo!
[upbeat rock music]
*
- I'm not saying
you can't follow him.
I just don't know
why you're following him.
- Because everybody
follows everybody.
Please join
the 21st century, Mom.
- Okay, I'll start
following Arjun.
- Okay, okay,
I'll unfollow Josh.
- Thank you.
- I just can't believe
you're actually with that guy.
I mean, he's so hot.
- Hey.
- This is so weird.
- It's totally weird.
So when are you
gonna come stay with me?
- Oh, soon.
Dad really needs me, Mom.
He can't afford
a full-time assistant,
and, you know,
I'm good with the bite plate.
- Is that even legal?
- Is that guy you're dating?
- Ha ha. I'll talk to you later,
sweetie, okay?
- I love you.
- All right, love you too, Mom.
[upbeat rock music]
*
- Jade, we're all
just buzzing about your book.
Not that we've
read anything.
We understand your concern
that something could leak,
but, uh, Kelsey tells me
that your pages
are like nothing
she's ever seen.
- Kelsey, you are
too kind.
- I'm just being honest.
They are like
nothing I've seen.
Nothing.
- So that's exciting.
Obviously, the cover
needs to be really special,
so the team has been
kicking around a few ideas.
- I'm the cover.
- Oh, that's a given.
- We were thinking
black and white.
- It could be gorgeous.
- No.
I will be sitting on a subway
next to a homeless man,
pleasuring myself
under my Balmain
pleated leather skirt.
Okay, the camera
will be placed here.
The picture will be taken
at the exact moment
I climax.
That is the cover of my book.
My orgasm.
[laughs]
It's genius, right?
- That is--
- It gets better.
You know those kids' cards
when you open them
and they play, like,
"Who Let the Dogs Out"
or whatever?
So when you open my book,
this is what you'll hear.
Oh, yes!
[moaning in ecstasy]
- Well, the book signing
should be fun.
- I hope you're able
to make this cover happen.
- It's pointless
unless I start seeing pages.
This book is on an accelerated
production schedule.
We want to be in stores
in six months.
- Where am I going
on my book tour?
- Nowhere unless I start
seeing pages immediately.
- Well, I was going
to bring them today,
but then I read them,
and they're, like, terrible.
- Every writer
is their own worst critic.
- No, what if I'm right, though?
What if you hate them?
- I won't hate them.
This book is my baby, Jade.
I will love those pages
from the moment
they're in my arms.
- Plus, they're, like, messy
and handwritten
and, like, illegible.
- That is what Hemingway
turned in.
- Yeah, but he was at,
like, a divey bar
getting drunk
with his editor.
- You want to do it
that way?
We can do it that way.
I don't care, okay?
I just want to be in
the same room as your pages.
- Okay, let's meet
tomorrow night
at the Horseshoe
at the back booth around--
- 6:00?
- Mm, I was thinking
more like 12:00, 1:00.
- We are really behind.
- [whines]
Okay.
- Okay, 6:00.
- Ah, I just said okay!
Gosh, chill.
Don't be so thirsty.
- I am chilling.
I am always chill--
[upbeat bluegrass music]
*
- Liza?
Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- What are you guys doing here?
- What are we doing here?
What are you doing
at a hipster bluegrass bar,
you former Girl Scout leader?
- We're too late
to save her, Michelle.
She's fully Brooklynized.
- Ah!
- You have wiped your mind clean
of all things New Jersey.
- That's a good one,
but seriously...
- We follow our daughter
on Instagram,
who follows your daughter,
who follows this band.
Two Tweets
and a Snapchat later,
we come to learn
you have a new man in your life.
- [laughs nervously]
- I think someone's buying
real estate in Cougartown.
- Go get me
a Pinot Grigio.
I am so sorry.
I made him swear 100 times
not to say the word "cougar."
- Which only guaranteed
that he would.
- Don't worry about it.
We'll be out of here
in just a second.
We're having dinner nearby.
I just wanted to--
Is that him?
- Uh, yeah.
- Shut the front door.
- Oh, stop it.
He's not a prize steer.
- Here I've been worrying
my head off about you.
Meanwhile, you have been
living the dream.
[cheers and applause]
How does this happen?
- Oh, you know
how these things happen.
- No, I don't.
I honestly don't.
- Hey.
- Hey, Josh.
This is my very good friend
Michelle from New Jersey.
- Cool.
It's nice to meet you.
- Oh, you guys are great.
I love your sound.
- Oh, thanks.
- Oh, this is my husband, Tom.
- Josh.
- Hey.
- No, I, uh--I was just saying
there's so much
about Liza's life
that I don't know
anything about, you know?
Like the whole part of your life
you spent in New Jersey.
- Part of her life?
- Well, this is pretty much
the highlights reel right here.
- Shh, we don't want people to
know that we're from New Jersey.
We got fake IDs saying
we're from Oregon.
[laughter]
- I love your shirt.
- Oh, thank you.
My daughter gave it to me
'cause I'm kind of a foodie.
I love truffle butter.
- Do you?
- I'm kinda famous for it.
Oh, you guys
should come for dinner.
- And to see the trellis.
- [gasps]
The trellis.
I am such a space noodle.
How could I not even mention
the new trellis?
- Well, let's not
say anything.
You'll just have to come over
for dinner
and see for yourself.
- Oh, that--
well, I'll call you.
- Well, screw that.
What are you doing
tomorrow night?
We're free.
- Oh, no.
- So are we.
- Tomorrow's n--
- Tomorrow night
sounds great.
- Awesomesauce!
- Truffle butter!
- Yeah.
- Dinner, okay.
Well, enjoy your night.
- Yeah, I'll text you.
- Oh, yeah, all right.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yes.
- So, so nice to meet you.
- Yeah, you too.
It is just--
- Yeah, tomorrow.
- [growls]
- Do you have any idea
what you just did?
- What?
They seem like
really nice people.
I--this will be fun.
I am excited.
- [sighs]
- Can I ask you
one question, though?
What's a trellis?
[upbeat vocal music]
- If it's making you
this crazy,
just call and cancel.
- I can't.
Josh really wants to go.
- What's more important,
what you want or Josh wants?
- I can't decide.
You pick.
- You need me to tell you
to pick you?
Woman up.
- You say that
like I know who I am,
but I don't,
because I am no longer a person.
I'm a game of Risk.
Ugh, all right.
Here are all the people
who know me
as a 40-year-old mom
from New Jersey.
Now, they seem like
a fairly distant,
harmless group of people,
but as it turns out,
it was really
a dormant sleeper cell
that just got activated
by my daughter.
Now, over here
are all the people
who think I'm a 26-year-old
publishing assistant.
I like to think
of these people
as a nuclear power plant
that's, like, gonna explode
at any moment.
- You know
that's not how you play Risk,
but go on.
- All right,
now, here is Josh.
Now, Josh fell in love
with this version of me
but now knows that this is me,
and things aren't as good.
He knows everyone over here,
and now he knows
some of the people
over here,
including my daughter,
Caitlin,
who is following him
on Instagram.
- What about me?
Why am I not on the board?
- Because you're home.
You're the safety zone.
- Oh, okay.
- Now, all it would take
to blow up my life completely
is one more line
from here to here.
- Do you realize
what you've drawn here?
Your life
is not a board game.
It's a spider web.
- But I should be okay,
right?
'Cause I'm the spider.
- I think you're also
the fly.
[rock music]
- Redmond, this is unacceptable.
Jade agreed
to a schedule.
I should have
the first five chapters
of her book by now.
- And you're telling me this
why?
- I can't get her
on the phone.
She won't respond
to my texts.
She promised to meet me here
over an hour ago.
- Oh, she promised?
Uh-huh, go on.
- Dude, I broke the bank
to get this book.
- She's an anarchist.
What do you want?
- I want her ass
sitting across from me,
delivering the pages
that she promised,
or she's gonna be
in breach of contract.
She will have to return
her entire advance,
all of it,
including your commission.
- I got it. I got it.
I'll handle it.
- You do that.
[sighs deeply]
[phone chimes]
Did I see what?
- * Ground was shaking
- No, no, no,
no, no.
Shit, shit.
- * Let's take a long trip *
* On a big old cruise ship
- Man, this is exciting.
- [laughs]
What is?
- Jersey: the home
of Bruce Springsteen,
the Sopranos,
Jon Bon Jovi.
- You make it sound like
you've never been to New Jersey.
- I haven't.
- Wait, you've been
to Tokyo and Peru,
and you've never been
to New Jersey?
How is this possible?
- I-I literally
never had a reason.
Plus, I hate tolls.
- [laughs]
Really, a lollipop?
I mean,
they're already well aware
there's an age difference.
- Babe, it's a pot pop.
Edible marijuana
so I'm relaxed.
- No, no, no, no,
you're the one who wanted
to go to the suburbs
of New Jersey.
You have to experience this raw.
No hemp-colored glasses.
- Hemp-colored glasses?
all: Hey.
- You made it.
- Good to see you.
- Nice to see you again.
- Hi.
- Nice to see you.
- Nice to see you too.
- This is for you.
- Oh, thank you.
- Well, I hope
you like steak.
- Yes.
- Love steak.
- Right.
- With truffle butter.
Yum, yum.
Thanks for this.
I'm gonna go decant it.
Come on in.
- I think we should
say something.
- About what?
- She obviously has no idea
what truffle butter is.
- It's not butter
made with truffles?
- [laughs]
Okay, you are officially
not allowed to give me
any more crap
about not knowing
what a trellis is.
- Well, what is it, then?
- Later, after dinner.
Don't Google it.
- I can look it up.
- Okay, fine.
You--you guys
have a really lovely place here.
- Oh, my God.
[gagging]
- Jade is blowing
her advance before I see pages.
"Check out my new
python-skinned boots."
$40,000.
#BlowingMyAdvance,
#ChestyPeters.
Who's Chesty Peters?
- You.
- So on top of all of this,
she's also mocking me?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
she actually thinks
that's your name.
- She has the entire budget
for my imprint.
She can destroy me.
Why?
I am so nice.
Am I not the nicest person
that you know?
- Yes, yes,
of course you are.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, here.
Here, she just tweeted this.
- Douche Burger Kings?
#BlowingMyAdvance,
#ChestyPeters.
I mean, at least she's feeding
homeless people hamburgers.
- No, those aren't hamburgers.
Those are douche burgers.
They're made with lobster,
caviar, foie gras,
and they're served
in a gold-leaf wrapper.
Dude, these--
these cost $600 each.
- They're from
a food truck.
- Wharton graduates.
They're the wacky MBAs.
- I have to stop her.
- We gotta go get her.
- I'm leaving right now.
- You go out.
I'll call the Uber.
Excuse me, sorry.
I like your jacket.
- Tell me about the sex.
It's mind-blowing, isn't it?
- Oh, I don't--
- Like, curl-your-toes,
off-the-carts mind-blowing?
- [laughs]
It's, uh--it's--it's--
it's--it's pretty good.
- Of course it is.
Look at him.
Oh, my God, Liza,
you deserve this.
After everything
you went through with David.
- Mm.
- Give me some details.
- Oh, come on.
I don't--I'm not--
I don't really
feel comfortable.
- Are you kidding me?
What is the point
of having a boy toy
if you can't share the details
with your bored, married friend?
- He's not a boy toy.
Oh, come--
I know he's young,
but you've met him now.
And we actually
have something.
- Okay, all right.
I really don't want
to be the one to say this,
but I'm afraid if I don't,
no one else will, so...
- Say what?
- You're acting like a girl
who met a boy,
but you're not.
You're a middle-aged divorcée
who needs validation
that she's still got it.
That's what Josh is.
He's your 911.
- What?
- Well, I mean the Porsche.
God, this is
so difficult.
- Feel free to stop
at any time.
- I'm saying this
as your friend.
You know this will end.
I mean, Demi Moore
couldn't make it work,
and she's gorgeous.
I mean, not that you're not.
You are.
But, listen,
people age in spurts,
like growth spurts.
Right, you look great now,
but another couple years,
you could get slammed
with an age spurt,
and then where are you?
You have wasted
your last gasp of youth
on Mr. Hunkalicious
when you could be finding
a real partner,
someone appropriate,
someone you don't have to hide
from your friends.
- Josh is.
- Oh, no, don't say
he's a real partner.
Come on.
I know it feels good now.
I just don't want you
to mistake it
for something it's not
and wind up getting hurt
all over again.
- Are you ready
to see the trellis?
- Oh, the trellis.
Come on.
[mischievous music]
*
Liza?
- Coming.
[crunching]
- Missed her.
- Ugh!
- What are we gonna do?
- [grunts]
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Here, she just tweeted this.
- Where do you even get
a gold coke straw?
- Etsy.
- Oh, my God, she's literally
blowing her advance.
What--what am I
gonna do?
- Wait, wait.
Screenshot that.
Okay, blow it up.
[gasps]
Look at that moisturizer.
That is from a guest room
at the Gramercy Park Hotel.
- How do you know that?
- Oh, it's where Hector goes
to blow off steam
and the room service waiters.
- Okay, ready?
One, two--
- Prepare to be
blown away.
[magical chiming]
- Wow.
I feel like I could spend
the rest of my life
just looking at this.
- Thanks, man.
- Yeah.
Liza, isn't it unreal?
- Yeah.
[cosmic music]
*
- You okay?
- My heart is pumping
really loudly in my chest.
Can you hear it?
- Your heart?
- Yeah.
- Liza?
Did you eat
the lollipop?
- No.
- Liza--
- Yes.
- Did you eat the whole thing?
- I feel--
I feel, um, wow.
- She ate a lollipop?
- I did!
- Sugar makes me nuts-o.
- Yeah, hmm.
- I'm hypoglycemic.
- Yeah, she's gonna be
all right.
Um, I think we should
probably get going, though.
We had such
a great time.
Thank you guys so much.
- Next time,
more protein.
Eat more steak.
- With truffle butter.
- Shh!
Come on.
- Michelle, you so nasty.
- I-I--
- What?
Why am I nasty?
What's wrong
with truffle butter?
- Nothing.
- Google it.
- No, don't, don't.
Just bye, bye.
- Google it.
Google it, now.
- Jade.
[dance music playing]
Jade, open the door!
- Hey, quick question.
Um, would you be mad
if I stayed at this party?
No, I thought so.
- Jade Winslow.
- Oh! Hey, Chesty.
- Do you not know my name?
- Is everybody
getting their face painted?
- Where are my pages?
- Oh, is that why
you're here?
Is that why
you busted into my party
and threatened my agent
and won't stop harassing me
over some, like,
stupid pages?
- Yes.
I need those.
I don't know how you
expect me to publish your book
without them.
- Don't you get it?
Okay, bitch,
there is no book.
- I am so screwed.
- Mm.
- Hi.
How you feeling?
- So stupid.
I'm sorry I ate
your lollipop.
- It's okay.
For future reference,
though,
you're supposed to lick it.
You're not supposed to eat
the whole thing.
- Mm.
- Why'd you do it, though?
Hmm?
- Michelle sort of
got under my skin.
- About what?
- About--
Don't worry about it.
- Come on.
If we're gonna have
this relationship,
we have to talk.
You can't hide
from everything.
- Okay.
Michelle sort of pointed out
that the math between us
presents problems.
- And what do you think?
- I think
she's not wrong.
- [sighs]
Go on.
- I guess I kind of do worry
that this has
an expiration date.
- Really?
Why?
- A lot of reasons?
I mean, maybe you'll want
to have kids someday.
- Maybe.
- Right.
- Maybe we should
just get married
and start having kids.
- [laughs softly]
Shut up.
- You shut up.
[soft music]
*
Look, I don't know
what our future holds,
but I know
I don't want to bail on this.
- Me neither.
- So can we keep going?
- Yes.
[upbeat music]
- * Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
* Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
*
- How'd you get to be
big spoon, huh?
I'm supposed to be
big spoon.
Oh, ah.
Okay, never mind.
I like being little spoon.
- [chuckling]
Wanna fork?
- Abso-forking-lutely.
[phone ringing]
- Oh, I've got
to get to work.
- No.
- I know. I'm sorry.
[phone chimes]
- Ooh, I have got an interesting
new Instagram follower.
- Don't tell me.
It's a--a young, hot
teenage girl
who just loves your tattoos.
Oh, I hate it
when I'm right.
- No, it--
it's your daughter, Caitlin.
- What?
No, ban her.
- You mean block her?
- Yes, block--
block her.
- Come on.
She's following the band.
I think it's nice.
- Nice?
- She wants to get
to know me.
I think that's
a good thing.
- I guess it is,
but I--
Okay, look, um...
[sighs]
This divorce has been
really hard on Caitlin,
and I don't want
to throw anything new at her
unless we're--
You know,
we're serious.
- We're not serious, hmm?
- I, um--
we are serious.
I just want to give her
more time,
and I want to give us
more time.
- Okay.
But you have to
get to work.
- Can you be really quick?
- I can be so quick.
- Okay.
Whoo!
[upbeat rock music]
*
- I'm not saying
you can't follow him.
I just don't know
why you're following him.
- Because everybody
follows everybody.
Please join
the 21st century, Mom.
- Okay, I'll start
following Arjun.
- Okay, okay,
I'll unfollow Josh.
- Thank you.
- I just can't believe
you're actually with that guy.
I mean, he's so hot.
- Hey.
- This is so weird.
- It's totally weird.
So when are you
gonna come stay with me?
- Oh, soon.
Dad really needs me, Mom.
He can't afford
a full-time assistant,
and, you know,
I'm good with the bite plate.
- Is that even legal?
- Is that guy you're dating?
- Ha ha. I'll talk to you later,
sweetie, okay?
- I love you.
- All right, love you too, Mom.
[upbeat rock music]
*
- Jade, we're all
just buzzing about your book.
Not that we've
read anything.
We understand your concern
that something could leak,
but, uh, Kelsey tells me
that your pages
are like nothing
she's ever seen.
- Kelsey, you are
too kind.
- I'm just being honest.
They are like
nothing I've seen.
Nothing.
- So that's exciting.
Obviously, the cover
needs to be really special,
so the team has been
kicking around a few ideas.
- I'm the cover.
- Oh, that's a given.
- We were thinking
black and white.
- It could be gorgeous.
- No.
I will be sitting on a subway
next to a homeless man,
pleasuring myself
under my Balmain
pleated leather skirt.
Okay, the camera
will be placed here.
The picture will be taken
at the exact moment
I climax.
That is the cover of my book.
My orgasm.
[laughs]
It's genius, right?
- That is--
- It gets better.
You know those kids' cards
when you open them
and they play, like,
"Who Let the Dogs Out"
or whatever?
So when you open my book,
this is what you'll hear.
Oh, yes!
[moaning in ecstasy]
- Well, the book signing
should be fun.
- I hope you're able
to make this cover happen.
- It's pointless
unless I start seeing pages.
This book is on an accelerated
production schedule.
We want to be in stores
in six months.
- Where am I going
on my book tour?
- Nowhere unless I start
seeing pages immediately.
- Well, I was going
to bring them today,
but then I read them,
and they're, like, terrible.
- Every writer
is their own worst critic.
- No, what if I'm right, though?
What if you hate them?
- I won't hate them.
This book is my baby, Jade.
I will love those pages
from the moment
they're in my arms.
- Plus, they're, like, messy
and handwritten
and, like, illegible.
- That is what Hemingway
turned in.
- Yeah, but he was at,
like, a divey bar
getting drunk
with his editor.
- You want to do it
that way?
We can do it that way.
I don't care, okay?
I just want to be in
the same room as your pages.
- Okay, let's meet
tomorrow night
at the Horseshoe
at the back booth around--
- 6:00?
- Mm, I was thinking
more like 12:00, 1:00.
- We are really behind.
- [whines]
Okay.
- Okay, 6:00.
- Ah, I just said okay!
Gosh, chill.
Don't be so thirsty.
- I am chilling.
I am always chill--
[upbeat bluegrass music]
*
- Liza?
Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- What are you guys doing here?
- What are we doing here?
What are you doing
at a hipster bluegrass bar,
you former Girl Scout leader?
- We're too late
to save her, Michelle.
She's fully Brooklynized.
- Ah!
- You have wiped your mind clean
of all things New Jersey.
- That's a good one,
but seriously...
- We follow our daughter
on Instagram,
who follows your daughter,
who follows this band.
Two Tweets
and a Snapchat later,
we come to learn
you have a new man in your life.
- [laughs nervously]
- I think someone's buying
real estate in Cougartown.
- Go get me
a Pinot Grigio.
I am so sorry.
I made him swear 100 times
not to say the word "cougar."
- Which only guaranteed
that he would.
- Don't worry about it.
We'll be out of here
in just a second.
We're having dinner nearby.
I just wanted to--
Is that him?
- Uh, yeah.
- Shut the front door.
- Oh, stop it.
He's not a prize steer.
- Here I've been worrying
my head off about you.
Meanwhile, you have been
living the dream.
[cheers and applause]
How does this happen?
- Oh, you know
how these things happen.
- No, I don't.
I honestly don't.
- Hey.
- Hey, Josh.
This is my very good friend
Michelle from New Jersey.
- Cool.
It's nice to meet you.
- Oh, you guys are great.
I love your sound.
- Oh, thanks.
- Oh, this is my husband, Tom.
- Josh.
- Hey.
- No, I, uh--I was just saying
there's so much
about Liza's life
that I don't know
anything about, you know?
Like the whole part of your life
you spent in New Jersey.
- Part of her life?
- Well, this is pretty much
the highlights reel right here.
- Shh, we don't want people to
know that we're from New Jersey.
We got fake IDs saying
we're from Oregon.
[laughter]
- I love your shirt.
- Oh, thank you.
My daughter gave it to me
'cause I'm kind of a foodie.
I love truffle butter.
- Do you?
- I'm kinda famous for it.
Oh, you guys
should come for dinner.
- And to see the trellis.
- [gasps]
The trellis.
I am such a space noodle.
How could I not even mention
the new trellis?
- Well, let's not
say anything.
You'll just have to come over
for dinner
and see for yourself.
- Oh, that--
well, I'll call you.
- Well, screw that.
What are you doing
tomorrow night?
We're free.
- Oh, no.
- So are we.
- Tomorrow's n--
- Tomorrow night
sounds great.
- Awesomesauce!
- Truffle butter!
- Yeah.
- Dinner, okay.
Well, enjoy your night.
- Yeah, I'll text you.
- Oh, yeah, all right.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yes.
- So, so nice to meet you.
- Yeah, you too.
It is just--
- Yeah, tomorrow.
- [growls]
- Do you have any idea
what you just did?
- What?
They seem like
really nice people.
I--this will be fun.
I am excited.
- [sighs]
- Can I ask you
one question, though?
What's a trellis?
[upbeat vocal music]
- If it's making you
this crazy,
just call and cancel.
- I can't.
Josh really wants to go.
- What's more important,
what you want or Josh wants?
- I can't decide.
You pick.
- You need me to tell you
to pick you?
Woman up.
- You say that
like I know who I am,
but I don't,
because I am no longer a person.
I'm a game of Risk.
Ugh, all right.
Here are all the people
who know me
as a 40-year-old mom
from New Jersey.
Now, they seem like
a fairly distant,
harmless group of people,
but as it turns out,
it was really
a dormant sleeper cell
that just got activated
by my daughter.
Now, over here
are all the people
who think I'm a 26-year-old
publishing assistant.
I like to think
of these people
as a nuclear power plant
that's, like, gonna explode
at any moment.
- You know
that's not how you play Risk,
but go on.
- All right,
now, here is Josh.
Now, Josh fell in love
with this version of me
but now knows that this is me,
and things aren't as good.
He knows everyone over here,
and now he knows
some of the people
over here,
including my daughter,
Caitlin,
who is following him
on Instagram.
- What about me?
Why am I not on the board?
- Because you're home.
You're the safety zone.
- Oh, okay.
- Now, all it would take
to blow up my life completely
is one more line
from here to here.
- Do you realize
what you've drawn here?
Your life
is not a board game.
It's a spider web.
- But I should be okay,
right?
'Cause I'm the spider.
- I think you're also
the fly.
[rock music]
- Redmond, this is unacceptable.
Jade agreed
to a schedule.
I should have
the first five chapters
of her book by now.
- And you're telling me this
why?
- I can't get her
on the phone.
She won't respond
to my texts.
She promised to meet me here
over an hour ago.
- Oh, she promised?
Uh-huh, go on.
- Dude, I broke the bank
to get this book.
- She's an anarchist.
What do you want?
- I want her ass
sitting across from me,
delivering the pages
that she promised,
or she's gonna be
in breach of contract.
She will have to return
her entire advance,
all of it,
including your commission.
- I got it. I got it.
I'll handle it.
- You do that.
[sighs deeply]
[phone chimes]
Did I see what?
- * Ground was shaking
- No, no, no,
no, no.
Shit, shit.
- * Let's take a long trip *
* On a big old cruise ship
- Man, this is exciting.
- [laughs]
What is?
- Jersey: the home
of Bruce Springsteen,
the Sopranos,
Jon Bon Jovi.
- You make it sound like
you've never been to New Jersey.
- I haven't.
- Wait, you've been
to Tokyo and Peru,
and you've never been
to New Jersey?
How is this possible?
- I-I literally
never had a reason.
Plus, I hate tolls.
- [laughs]
Really, a lollipop?
I mean,
they're already well aware
there's an age difference.
- Babe, it's a pot pop.
Edible marijuana
so I'm relaxed.
- No, no, no, no,
you're the one who wanted
to go to the suburbs
of New Jersey.
You have to experience this raw.
No hemp-colored glasses.
- Hemp-colored glasses?
all: Hey.
- You made it.
- Good to see you.
- Nice to see you again.
- Hi.
- Nice to see you.
- Nice to see you too.
- This is for you.
- Oh, thank you.
- Well, I hope
you like steak.
- Yes.
- Love steak.
- Right.
- With truffle butter.
Yum, yum.
Thanks for this.
I'm gonna go decant it.
Come on in.
- I think we should
say something.
- About what?
- She obviously has no idea
what truffle butter is.
- It's not butter
made with truffles?
- [laughs]
Okay, you are officially
not allowed to give me
any more crap
about not knowing
what a trellis is.
- Well, what is it, then?
- Later, after dinner.
Don't Google it.
- I can look it up.
- Okay, fine.
You--you guys
have a really lovely place here.
- Oh, my God.
[gagging]
- Jade is blowing
her advance before I see pages.
"Check out my new
python-skinned boots."
$40,000.
#BlowingMyAdvance,
#ChestyPeters.
Who's Chesty Peters?
- You.
- So on top of all of this,
she's also mocking me?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
she actually thinks
that's your name.
- She has the entire budget
for my imprint.
She can destroy me.
Why?
I am so nice.
Am I not the nicest person
that you know?
- Yes, yes,
of course you are.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, here.
Here, she just tweeted this.
- Douche Burger Kings?
#BlowingMyAdvance,
#ChestyPeters.
I mean, at least she's feeding
homeless people hamburgers.
- No, those aren't hamburgers.
Those are douche burgers.
They're made with lobster,
caviar, foie gras,
and they're served
in a gold-leaf wrapper.
Dude, these--
these cost $600 each.
- They're from
a food truck.
- Wharton graduates.
They're the wacky MBAs.
- I have to stop her.
- We gotta go get her.
- I'm leaving right now.
- You go out.
I'll call the Uber.
Excuse me, sorry.
I like your jacket.
- Tell me about the sex.
It's mind-blowing, isn't it?
- Oh, I don't--
- Like, curl-your-toes,
off-the-carts mind-blowing?
- [laughs]
It's, uh--it's--it's--
it's--it's pretty good.
- Of course it is.
Look at him.
Oh, my God, Liza,
you deserve this.
After everything
you went through with David.
- Mm.
- Give me some details.
- Oh, come on.
I don't--I'm not--
I don't really
feel comfortable.
- Are you kidding me?
What is the point
of having a boy toy
if you can't share the details
with your bored, married friend?
- He's not a boy toy.
Oh, come--
I know he's young,
but you've met him now.
And we actually
have something.
- Okay, all right.
I really don't want
to be the one to say this,
but I'm afraid if I don't,
no one else will, so...
- Say what?
- You're acting like a girl
who met a boy,
but you're not.
You're a middle-aged divorcée
who needs validation
that she's still got it.
That's what Josh is.
He's your 911.
- What?
- Well, I mean the Porsche.
God, this is
so difficult.
- Feel free to stop
at any time.
- I'm saying this
as your friend.
You know this will end.
I mean, Demi Moore
couldn't make it work,
and she's gorgeous.
I mean, not that you're not.
You are.
But, listen,
people age in spurts,
like growth spurts.
Right, you look great now,
but another couple years,
you could get slammed
with an age spurt,
and then where are you?
You have wasted
your last gasp of youth
on Mr. Hunkalicious
when you could be finding
a real partner,
someone appropriate,
someone you don't have to hide
from your friends.
- Josh is.
- Oh, no, don't say
he's a real partner.
Come on.
I know it feels good now.
I just don't want you
to mistake it
for something it's not
and wind up getting hurt
all over again.
- Are you ready
to see the trellis?
- Oh, the trellis.
Come on.
[mischievous music]
*
Liza?
- Coming.
[crunching]
- Missed her.
- Ugh!
- What are we gonna do?
- [grunts]
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Here, she just tweeted this.
- Where do you even get
a gold coke straw?
- Etsy.
- Oh, my God, she's literally
blowing her advance.
What--what am I
gonna do?
- Wait, wait.
Screenshot that.
Okay, blow it up.
[gasps]
Look at that moisturizer.
That is from a guest room
at the Gramercy Park Hotel.
- How do you know that?
- Oh, it's where Hector goes
to blow off steam
and the room service waiters.
- Okay, ready?
One, two--
- Prepare to be
blown away.
[magical chiming]
- Wow.
I feel like I could spend
the rest of my life
just looking at this.
- Thanks, man.
- Yeah.
Liza, isn't it unreal?
- Yeah.
[cosmic music]
*
- You okay?
- My heart is pumping
really loudly in my chest.
Can you hear it?
- Your heart?
- Yeah.
- Liza?
Did you eat
the lollipop?
- No.
- Liza--
- Yes.
- Did you eat the whole thing?
- I feel--
I feel, um, wow.
- She ate a lollipop?
- I did!
- Sugar makes me nuts-o.
- Yeah, hmm.
- I'm hypoglycemic.
- Yeah, she's gonna be
all right.
Um, I think we should
probably get going, though.
We had such
a great time.
Thank you guys so much.
- Next time,
more protein.
Eat more steak.
- With truffle butter.
- Shh!
Come on.
- Michelle, you so nasty.
- I-I--
- What?
Why am I nasty?
What's wrong
with truffle butter?
- Nothing.
- Google it.
- No, don't, don't.
Just bye, bye.
- Google it.
Google it, now.
- Jade.
[dance music playing]
Jade, open the door!
- Hey, quick question.
Um, would you be mad
if I stayed at this party?
No, I thought so.
- Jade Winslow.
- Oh! Hey, Chesty.
- Do you not know my name?
- Is everybody
getting their face painted?
- Where are my pages?
- Oh, is that why
you're here?
Is that why
you busted into my party
and threatened my agent
and won't stop harassing me
over some, like,
stupid pages?
- Yes.
I need those.
I don't know how you
expect me to publish your book
without them.
- Don't you get it?
Okay, bitch,
there is no book.
- I am so screwed.
- Mm.
- Hi.
How you feeling?
- So stupid.
I'm sorry I ate
your lollipop.
- It's okay.
For future reference,
though,
you're supposed to lick it.
You're not supposed to eat
the whole thing.
- Mm.
- Why'd you do it, though?
Hmm?
- Michelle sort of
got under my skin.
- About what?
- About--
Don't worry about it.
- Come on.
If we're gonna have
this relationship,
we have to talk.
You can't hide
from everything.
- Okay.
Michelle sort of pointed out
that the math between us
presents problems.
- And what do you think?
- I think
she's not wrong.
- [sighs]
Go on.
- I guess I kind of do worry
that this has
an expiration date.
- Really?
Why?
- A lot of reasons?
I mean, maybe you'll want
to have kids someday.
- Maybe.
- Right.
- Maybe we should
just get married
and start having kids.
- [laughs softly]
Shut up.
- You shut up.
[soft music]
*
Look, I don't know
what our future holds,
but I know
I don't want to bail on this.
- Me neither.
- So can we keep going?
- Yes.
[upbeat music]
- * Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
* Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh