Younger (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Jade Crusade - full transcript

- Okay, that was nice.
- I know.

I have never been this sexually
in sync with someone before.

It's like, you know exactly
what buttons to press on my body

without me ever having to tell you.

You know, I usually have
to be so verbal in bed.

Don't you agree? That
we're sexually in sync?

And that's why that I decided last night

I am ready to be gender monogamous.

Monoga-what now? With me?

Yes, from this point on,

you'll be the only woman that I sleep with.



Aw, you make me feel so special.

But you know, at this point in your life,

you really should keep your options open.

Why, when I have all the woman
I'm ever gonna want right here?

You know, you remind me of
myself when I was your age.

I was always crazy in love with someone.

And usually the wrong one.

But you need to learn
to protect your heart.

But why?

It's not like you protected your heart.

You put it right here.

Who's Belinda?

Were you very, very much in love?

Okay, okay, enough snuggling.



I get it. I get it.

It hurts too much to talk about.

Don't worry. I'm very patient.

You can tell me tonight. Dinner?

Can't have dinner tonight.
I got to work late.

Oh, yeah, you know what,

I actually might have to work late too.

So just drinks, then.

Do you ever take no for an answer?

No.

Okay, your outfit is
totally killing it today.

Especially those boots.

Thanks!

Wait, I don't look like
I'm trying too hard, do I?

No, you look like, "I woke up like this."

Except, you know, you brushed your teeth.

Wait, are you nervous about
the Jade Winslow pitch?

Yeah, I'm literally freaking out, Liza.

Jade Winslow would be
the perfect first author

for "Millennial."

Her fashion blogs get more hits

than every single Buzzfeed list combined.

She could make or break a new designer,

and she's only 25.

Liza!

Don't let the Trout reel you in.

Don't worry, I'll jump
off the hook quickly.

Liza!

At least I'll try.

I'm not sure if you're aware,

but Charles is getting
the coveted Oprah Award

at the Women in Literature Luncheon

for his charity, Books Into Buildings.

Oh, is that an architectural foundation?

No, they use recycled
pulp from unsold books

to build schools for girls in Nigeria.

Or is it Sierra Leone? Find that out!

Okay.

I have been given the prestigious task

of introducing Charles at the luncheon,

and I intend to shine.

So set up a cut, color,
mani-pedi, full wax:

North Pole, South Pole, and the equator.

What about the Panama Canal?

I'm not a porn star, Liza!

Hi, Diana.

Jade Winslow's here, and
I could really use Liza.

Liza's busy.

Actually, I was thinking

that you could sit in on the meeting too.

We really want to land this author,

and your marketing expertise

could totally help seal the deal.

I'm sorry; do I look like I'm made of time?

Give me five minutes.

Ah, Kelsey, darling, how are you?

My love!

Liza, this is Redmond, Jade's agent,

and I must say he's the best in the biz.

She's exaggerating. But she isn't.

It's so nice to meet you.

Ow! You clawed me.

Jade, we're so excited to have you here.

- I'm a huge fan.
- Give her a sec.

She's just wrapping up a Twitter
feud with Karl Lagerfeld.

It takes him ages to respond.

You know, 'cause of the gloves.

How do you say "power bottom" in German?

Bueckstueck.

All right, let's go.

My book is going to do to
the Meatpacking District

what "The Jungle" did to
the meatpacking industry.

Okay, the beauty business

is teeming with fake-ass sycophants,

and I'm planning on bringing the
worst offenders to their knees.

Okay, so you can think of my tell-all

as, like, "The Devil Wears
Prada" but, like, on speed,

only there will be no thinly
veiled references in my book.

Okay, if I'm talking about "Vogue,"

like, I'll just say, "Vogue."

Right, to the flack in the room
that's worried about libel,

just don't be, okay, because these lips

and these lips, they don't lie.

That's quite a vagina monologue.

I heard that, Ann Taylor Loft.

She has the ears of a wolf.

Ann Taylor Loft? Hardly.

This is Alexander McQueen.

Not the turtleneck. Not the boots.

"Millennial" is perfect for this, Jade,

okay, both from a strategic
and editorial standpoint.

No one is better capable of integrating

your already established online presence

with our youth-based branding
and social media expertise.

Yes, we'd really love to discuss

some marketing strategies...

I'm sorry, but "marketing strategies"

sounds like something a sad dad

would have on his Linkedln page.

Okay, just, like, talk to me, all right?

Why you?

I mean, are you cool?

Yes, yes.

We are very, very cool.

Get me out of here.

Sorry to cut this short,
but we've got to skeedads.

Scrivener is waiting for us at Polo Bar,

and it's Jade's favorite place to not eat.

Redmond.

- I want this book.
- Everyone does.

There's a bidding war.

If you want to get in
the game, go in high...

sky high.

- We'll be in touch.
- Okay.

I've never been so sure a book
is going to be a best seller.

I say we should go all in.

Shit.

What?

Shut the door.

Oh, my God. Is that his...

Wow. Don't touch it.

This is incredibly embarrassing
for Charles and for Empirical.

Other blogs are already
starting to pick it up...

There is a... A small matter

that I need to talk to you about.

- We know. Not small.
- We've seen it.

I don't know what to say.

It was very humid,

and the fabric on those
shorts was very thin.

These things happen.

There's no need to explain yourself.

I can assure you, we will get it off.

- Down.
- Down.

- Really?
- Yes.

That would be just...

Thank you.

- Get it offline now!
- But how?

I don't know. That's your job.

Go!

I once dated a guy who
was hung like a horse.

Yeah, he was only, like, 4 feet tall

and had this tiny little torso,

so when it got hard he could,
like, rest his chin on it...

You know, like, "The Thinker."

- Ew.
- No, it was hot.

Good thing the perv that
runs that site owes me.

It'll be down in five.

Thank you so much for
helping me with this, Lauren.

I didn't even know where to start.

Listen, okay, all I ask is

that you put in a good word for me

with that goddess roommate of yours.

Okay, because she's playing
hard to get and it is really...

- Uh-oh.
- What?

No, no, no, we got to pick up the pace.

It just went up on two more sites,

and oh, God, it has a name now.

What are they calling it?

The Empiriconda... accurate.

Every time Lauren gets the
Empiriconda off one website,

it pops up on another.

Whoa, I don't understand how he walks,

let alone runs runs the
bases, or, quite frankly,

why he even needs a bat, damn.

Remember the good old days

when you could take an embarrassing photo

without fear that it would be posted

on a worldwide platform
for millions of eyes to see

where it could feasibly
exist until the end of days?

Why do you think I still own a Polaroid?

I thought you were off that.

I have a secret stalker account.

You know, to spy on enemies and old flames.

Whose page are you looking for?

- The infamous Belinda?
- Mmhmm.

I always wondered what she looked like.

I mean, look at this.

Is it me, or does every
one of these pictures

look like the ones that
come with the frame?

It reminds me of my old profile page

right before we got the divorce.

Everything's just a little too perfect.

I mean, look at her.

She looks miserable, poor thing.

She was an incredible artist, you know?

Why don't you have Josh cover
up that tattoo with a new one?

No, you know, I wear it
like a badge of honor.

I mean, this woman nearly destroyed me.

I'm proud of myself for surviving it.

She sounds like a nightmare.

Nah, she wasn't really.

She was just, like, one of those people

who was afraid to live the
life that she wanted to live.

I mean, one minute we were in love,

and the next thing you know I'm
reading about her engagement

in "The New York Times" to this dude.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, it would have been nice
to hear that from Belinda.

A simple apology would've
saved me so much angst.

But everybody is somebody's monster, right?

Oh, my God, are they on
a log in matching denim?

They are in pumpkin spice hell.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Okay, I've successfully
removed the Empiriconda...

- The Empiriconda?
- Oh, uh, yeah, you didn't know?

They named it.

It's off of Gawker,
Vulture, Show Me the Chub,

The New Yorker?

Is there no class left in this world?

I know, they shouted and
murmured the crap out of it.

But there haven't been any
new posts in the last hour.

I'll keep checking, but
I think we squashed it.

Hey, I've got Redmond on the phone.

Where have you been? I made the offer.

Kelsey, I'm impressed. $250,000.

That's enough to take
this book off the market.

So... Let's make a deal!

We're not quite there yet, darling.

Jade really likes that your imprint

is run by young people like herself,

but she's worried you might
be, no offense, a little basic.

She wants an editor she can have fun with.

- I'm fun.
- I know, sweetie.

And you'll have a chance to prove it.

She wants you to meet her out tonight

in a more casual setting, get to know you.

Really? Great.

Oh, and what's the name of

that tall awkward girl
again who works with you?

- Liza.
- Yes, Liza.

Bring her too

and bring your boyfriends.

She doesn't want tonight
to be a "taco truck."

Her words... and also mine.

Got it. We'll be there.

Great, I'll have my assistant
e-mail you the details.

Lars!

Tall awkward girl?

I think you forgot half your shirt, babe.

It's a crop top, okay? And it's on trend.

I'm not afraid to show a little skin.

I'm fun!

You're definitely fun.

You look like one of the Fly Girls.

One of the who?

Hey, look, there's Jade.

Hey, sloots! Welcome.

You know, I just did a piece on my blog

on how I wish the overalls trend would trip

and fall into an active volcano,

but you're making me
reconsider it... a little.

- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

So a round of shots on me?

Doubles?

Hey, is anyone fiending to
hit the dance floor like me?

Chillax, Miley Cyrus.

Okay, it is a Tuesday,

which means some of us are
hungover and out of drugs.

So unless you have a bag
of Molly to get me going,

then my ass is gonna remain in this seat

until I've successfully
drank away my headache.

Did somebody say Molly?

Who is this fine young thing?

This is Thad, my boyfriend.

Not bad, Kelsey. He's hot.

He is hot, isn't he?

Oh, and where's Josh?

- Oh, he's on his way.
- Wow.

How did you know my boyfriend's name?

Oh, you must have said it.

Did I?

Shoo! Okay, go. Go on! Go!

Gosh, you make out with a
lumbersexual for five minutes

and he clings on like
an effing genital wart.

Anyway, what was I saying?

Oh, whiskey!

To the Cliterati!

Cliterati! Whoo!

- Cheers.
- Cheers, all right.

Whoo!

So then I discovered this guy
had fallen asleep on the couch

pants around his ankles,
a tissue box next to him,

and a porno blasting on the computer.

Hey, babe, that's what you
get for asking for a key.

You got caught wet-handed!

I love this song! Let's dance!

Come on! Come on, guys!

You two go. I'm still not drunk enough.

No, go dance. Have fun, I'll stay.

Jade, I'm just curious.

Are you at all worried

about pissing people off with this book?

No, no, I'm excited.

Last week I watched a cover girl's waist

get photoshopped to the size of my pinky,

her chest inflated to
alien-Barbie-sized proportions,

and her wrinkles virtually expunged.

All this business does is
perpetuate the wanked-out notion

that youth and beauty are the only things

that define a woman's worth.

I would rather slit my carotid artery

than spend one more day in an industry

that faults me simply for growing older.

I mean, it is so sheisty.

Yeah, it is sheisty, isn't it?

- Hey!
- Ugh, this idiot.

- Jade!
- Do you two know each other?

Yeah, you could say that.

Whoo, I have waited forever to do that.

Sayonara, bitches.

- Uh?
- Babe...

I don't think you're getting that book.

Josh, I had no idea. You
used to go out with Jade?

Yeah, unfortunately.

We dated for a couple months.
It was fun for a while.

Then it wasn't. She's batshit crazy.

So what happened?

She wouldn't let me go. I
mean, I told her it was over.

Didn't matter.

She kept climbing up my fire escape.

Wait, is that butt stuff?

No!

I mean she was literally
climbing up my fire escape.

I couldn't get rid of her!

Finally she took me to one of
those stupid fashion parties

and I met this really
hot model and I thought,

"Two birds, one stone." You know?

I hook up with the model and...

Jade gets the message.

That is genius.

So you cheated on her?

I had to do something.

Okay, the point is, you
totally disrespected her.

Fine! I'm sorry, okay?

I admit I was wrong.

She's a total nutjob.

Yeah, a nutjob whose book is gonna make

some other publisher a ton of money.

Nice work, Josh.

How is this my fault?

Charles,

I am proud to say that I have successfully

handled your... situation.

And now the first thing that comes up

when you Google yourself
is the "Page Six" story

about your wife leaving you.

That's great news. Thanks so much, Diana.

Oh, come on, it was my pleasure.

I don't mean pleasure.

It was... it was
difficult, meticulous work.

I know. I got it.

Well, at least, now we can
focus on more exciting things,

like your award today!

Yes, that's right. The luncheon.

You gonna have the fish or the steak?

Uh, the steak.

Me too. I am a meat eater.

Right.

I'm gonna get going.

Just...

So I just got off the
phone with Jade's agent.

And he is really embarrassed
about what went down last night.

Only not really, because he's an agent.

So what about the book?

We lost it.

They're gonna sign with
Harper Collins this afternoon.

So you think Jade did all of this

just so she could throw
a drink in Josh's face?

I think that she's getting her 15 minutes,

and she's clearly using them to
carry out insane revenge plots.

Well, maybe we dodged a bullet.

Totally. She was a monster.

Well, everybody's somebody's monster.

That's true.

Hey, Kelsey.

Can you find out from Redmond what time

they're meeting with Harper Collins today?

Maybe. Why?

See if he'll do us a favor.

- What are we doing?
- We're not giving up.

Josh, thank you so much for doing this.

There she is! Get down!

Honey, there's our Uber.

Oh, what the... ?

- Hey, Jade.
- Let me out of here!

It's okay! Just chill.

Here, have a drink.

Josh has something he wants to say to you.

I'm sorry I was an asshole.

Okay, what's going on?

This... this is me apologizing, okay?

I'm sorry I disrespected
you. I was immature.

Yeah, and selfish in bed.

No, wait, wait, wait!

When were we ever in a bed?

Okay, whatever. You know what?

If you think this lame-ass apology

is gonna get me to sign with
you guys, then you're wrong.

Come on, Jade, we've all been
the bad guy in a relationship

at some point, right?

I mean, I know I have.

When I was in college,

I cheated on my boyfriend
with my professor.

Yeah, well, I gathered a girl posse

to pee in front of your tattoo parlor.

Shut up. That was you?

There was so much pee.

Yeah, well, you're lucky we
stuck to plan number one.

Okay, Jade, listen. Here's the thing.

We will kick ass publishing your book.

Well I'll give you one thing.

I mean, you bitches are pretty desperate.

Exactly, would Harper
Collins ever kidnap you

and make your ex-boyfriend apologize?

Huh?

Listen, to you signing with "Millennial."

Yes, let's drink to that.

- Whoo!
- Whoo-hoo!

I'll keep you posted.

You owe me so many fire escapes.

Wow, there are so many
amazing authors that are here.

I know, I just saw Joan Didion
at our table hoarding gift bags.

Girls! Ah!

I was hoping I would see you here.

I've got good news. Drum roll...

Jade is accepting your offer!

- What?
- Really?

Yes, of course, there
are still a few details

that we need to work out,

but consider this deal as good as done!

Oh, my God.

Now Jade wants to tweet it
out so the blogs pick it up,

is that cool?

- Of course.
- Oh, my God, we are so excited.

Wonderful. Oh, Jennifer Weiner's here.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, she already tweeted about it.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Gawker just picked it up.

Wait, why did she attach a pic of Charles?

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

I've been meaning to tell you about it.

- Take it down now.
- I think it's too late.

Rihanna just retweeted it.

Congratulations on
signing your first author.

Redmond just told me the news.

Oh, thank you.

I'm assuming you haven't seen the tweet?

- No, what tweet?
- No... nothing, no.

No tweet has been tweeted.

Charles, have you met the
lovely Jennifer Ween-er?

Oh, it's actually Wine-er.

Yes, Ween-er. Ween-is.

Wine-er.

Wine-er, like, just like
what's in the glass.

Oh, gee. Jesus.

Jesus.

Hello, and welcome to the 24th Annual

Women in Literature Charity Honors.

Today I will be presenting
the prestigious Oprah Award.

Charles, I know I speak for
every woman in this room

when I say, how very, very grateful we are

for your generous endowment.