Younger (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Mao Function - full transcript
Liza questions Josh's interest in her while another publisher courts Kelsey.
I can't believe you went down there
and talked to that tattoo guy.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I gave him a piece of my mind.
You gave him a piece of something.
What is that supposed to mean?
I saw you, Mom.
So, okay, how exactly does that work?
You go down to complain but
end up making out with him?
I mean, gee, the Pakistani
guy at the bodega
gave me the wrong change.
Are you gonna go give him a handy?
- Don't talk to me like that.
- Well, I'm sorry.
But I don't know what's going on here.
Okay, you know that your
father and I are separated,
and eventually I'm gonna be seeing people.
The tattoo guy?
His name is Josh.
And you're, like, a couple?
Um, sort of.
Okay.
That's the grossest thing I've ever heard.
- Oh, come on. Can we just...
- No...
Let's just sit down and talk about...
No, Mom, you're having a midlife crisis,
just like Dad, and I don't
want to talk about it.
I don't want to think about
it. I just want to go to bed.
Ugh.
I just thought about it again.
And then she said I was
having a midlife crisis.
Your crisis was your
boring life before this.
Ugh, I hate this.
Caitlin and I have always been so close,
and now I can't talk to
her about anything...
Josh, work.
Maybe I could tell her about work.
No!
You know, we've been through this already.
She's a teenager,
and she's gonna blow your
cover and blab to everybody.
Keep your mouth shut and
get her through college.
- Are you expecting anybody?
- No.
- Hi, who is it?
- It's David.
Is that Dad?
Yeah.
What, are you leaving?
Yeah, I'm just gonna stay
with him for a few weeks.
He's giving me a job in his office.
Did you tell him about Josh?
No, I just told him
it was getting awkward around here,
which it is.
But you don't have to leave, Caitlin.
I think you need to figure stuff out,
and, you know, I need a job.
Dad needs help in the office.
It's a win-win-win.
- Hey! How are you?
- Hi!
Oh, it's so good to see you.
- Hi, Dad.
- You're so thin.
- Oh.
- Did they feed you in India?
No, I need dead cow,
like, as soon as possible.
All right, White Castle
on the way home, baby.
Liza, how come every time I
see you, you look younger?
You just forgot what she looked like happy.
- Hey, Maggie.
- Oh, lovely.
Good to see you. Love the robe.
- When's the big fight?
- All right. Okay.
You call me if you need anything.
And remember, you can always come back.
- I second that. Come here.
- Thank you.
I'm gonna miss you.
Somehow, I don't think
you'll be too lonely.
What does that mean?
Nothing.
Come on, Dad.
She'll be fine.
She'll be back.
Low foam skinny cap...
Shh, shh.
Rob, is there no way that
we could meet in person?
Discuss this face-to-face?
I already signed the
contract with Hachette.
Look, I really appreciate
all you've done for me,
but it's time to move on.
Good luck, guys.
And good luck to you, Rob.
Just know that Empirical's
door is always open.
Screw him; send out a
press release immediately
that says we dumped Rob Olive.
I don't get it.
Hachette already has so
many Sick Lit writers.
- What's Sick Lit?
- Terminally ill teen genre.
Like "Fault in Our Stars."
I spent so many hours at
the desk with that guy,
literally milking every chapter from him.
She even came up with the title
of his last best seller,
"Hashtag I'm Dying."
Well, maybe there's some
way to get him back.
Too late, Galley Cat is
already reporting it.
Hey.
Hey, hot pants.
Can you believe it?
Finally gonna get a night together.
And they're really good about checking IDs,
so we don't have to worry
about your daughter showing up.
Sorry it's been so weird.
Oh, it's okay. It's okay.
We're weird, all right?
I don't know. I kind of like it.
What are you gonna do?
Drink?
- Excellent.
- All right, all right.
Who's ready for Trivia Tuesday?
Yeah!
It's trivia night?
Free shot for every correct answer.
Oh, okay. Now it get it.
Yeah.
Petey Piranha and King Boo
ride together in this multiplayer game.
- "Mario Kart: Double Dash!!"
- Correct!
I totally remember that game.
Yeah, but you didn't
remember it fast enough.
- I know.
- Next question.
You have to translate this emoji sentence.
Oh, dude, these are my jam.
Eggplant, peach, two cows,
house, question mark.
Let's have sex till the cows come home!
- Correct.
- Yeah!
- What?
- Damn!
She's really good at this.
All right, next category is the '90s.
All right. Now we're talking.
Her name was Lisa Lopes.
Her nickname was...
- Left Eye!
- Correct!
- Yes!
- Next question.
O.J. Simpson had a house guest...
- Kato Kaelin.
- Correctamundo!
Okay, here's a hard one, guys.
Who was the mastermind behind the smashing
of Nancy Kerrigan's...
- Jeff Gillooly!
- Wow. Amazing.
How is she getting all these?
She's 40!
Hey, easy with the F word, sweetie.
What?
Two more shots for our winners.
No, no. I'm okay. I've had enough.
No, no. Keep 'em coming.
What are you talking
about, you've had enough?
Oh, my God.
- You know what I just thought of?
- What?
When I was born, you were in middle school.
I guess so.
And when I was 16, you were...
You were 30!
Yep, pretty much always
a 14-year age difference.
Oh, my God, though.
You're closer to my mom's
age than you are to mine.
Okay, can we stop doing the math now?
- Yes.
- Okay.
- No more math.
- No more math.
I don't like... ooh.
Are you okay? Is something wrong?
No, no, no. We're good.
Okay.
Okay? Okay.
Nope. Nope.
Oh, I know what's happening.
What?
- I have whiskey dick.
- What?
Whiskey dick.
My 40-year-old girlfriend
got my dick drunk.
Sorry.
Good morning.
That remains to be seen.
- You look tired.
- Ah, yeah.
My boyfriend and I got into
some whiskey last night...
Not interested.
I need you to be surgically
attached to your phone
for the next 48 hours.
Um, okay.
Laura Hillenbrand's new book
is coming up for auction.
The second it is released to
the bidders, I will text you.
You will drop everything and
sign out a watermarked copy
from her agent's office and
hand-deliver it to Charles.
That's exciting.
I loved "Seabiscuit" and "Unbroken."
Liza, if you want to be taken seriously,
you can't just blurt out
your unrequested opinion.
This is not a Gallup poll.
I bet "Seabiscuit" would
love a Gallup poll.
Honestly, it's like you have some form
of literary Tourette's.
Hey, how's it going?
Not good.
I'm looking for the next Rob Olive.
I stayed up all night
reading Sick Lit books,
and now I'm pretty sure I have
five different kinds of cancer.
You?
Actually, can I ask you something?
Yeah.
Has Thad ever had trouble performing?
Like a coke poke?
- What's a coke poke?
- The worst.
It's like running as hard
as you can to a finish line
that never, ever comes.
Oh.
- Sore for days.
- Yeah, no.
That's not Josh's thing,
but last night, we were
out, and we were drinking...
Wait, you and Josh are back together?
Yeah, we're, um...
We're trying to work things out.
Oh, my God.
I need a scorecard to keep up with you two.
Well, while you guys are on again,
bring him to Hector and
Dorf's launch tonight
because their parties
give everyone a boner.
- _
- It's Rob Olive.
And he wants to meet for lunch.
- Kelsey, thanks for coming.
- Yeah.
Oh, I'm so glad we could
finally meet face-to-face.
Look, it's important.
My new story isn't coming.
I'm completely stuck.
All right.
What's it about?
A high school girl gets put on hospice care
the day before her prom.
It's a great premise, but it's all I got.
Okay, what if her friends
bring the prom to her and
have it at the hospice?
Oh, my God.
That is genius.
See?
I can't do this without you.
So come back to Empirical.
No.
I want you to come with me to Hachette.
Oh, come on.
I'm sure their editorial
team would just love that.
They're preparing you an offer as we speak.
What?
They know what you're making at Empirical,
and they can do much better.
Wait till you see this offer.
I look forward to seeing it.
This is badass.
What exactly is it?
Hector and Dorf's new collection
is inspired by Cold War-era
ping-pong diplomacy.
What the what, what?
Nixon-era stuff.
On the invitation, it said
that the U.S. Table Tennis team
were the first Americans
to visit communist China
back in 1971.
1971.
That's the year you were born, right?
1974.
Don't make me any older than I am.
You guys want something from the bar?
- Yeah.
- Please.
Oh, hey.
No whiskey.
- I promise.
- Okay.
You see how focused he is on my age now?
- He's just joking.
- He's obsessed.
Oh, come on. Let's play some ping-pong.
The Hachette offer just came in.
Wow. Not bad.
I just really don't
want to leave Empirical.
They're like my family.
A poor family.
What? This offer's good, Kels.
And I bet you can get escalating bonuses
based on Rob Olive's sales.
You know what?
Actually, just CC me into the emails,
and I'll take care of it.
Tell 'em I'm your financial manager.
Thank you for looking out for me.
I am gonna squeeze their nuts
till they're squirting money in your face.
Okay, you can't tell anyone,
but Hachette just made me a big offer.
- What?
- I know.
Well, what are you gonna do?
Thad thinks I should take it.
Well, you're at least
gonna give Charles a chance
to match the offer, right?
I think I should. I mean,
he gave me my big break.
I owe him my career, but
then the other part of me
thinks that he's always going to
view me as a former assistant,
you know, no matter what I do.
He's never really gonna value
me as an editor in my own right.
Kelsey, I don't think that's true.
It's not his fault.
It would be the same anywhere.
You got to leave to be taken seriously.
We're up.
Josh! There you are.
- Hey, hey, Thad.
- Hey.
All right, let's skip the small talk.
I need deets on the breakup.
You said you never really knew Liza.
Then you guys are back together.
What? What is the deal?
Uh, I am going to go get
some dessert, actually, so...
No, no, no. Waiter! Waiter!
Hey, bring us some Tienanmen squares.
Oh, man. Those are really good.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey.
- Josh!
- Hi.
Hi, Liza told me you
guys are back together.
I'm really happy about that.
Shh, he was just telling
us about the breakup.
- No, I wasn't, actually.
- Come on.
- Somebody cheated.
- Nobody cheated.
- She cheated.
- No.
- Am I right?
- No, we just had our stuff.
What? Like what?
Like, she was allergic to my cat.
You broke up over a cat?
Then why would you guys get back together?
Because it died.
Your cat died?
What happened?
It ate some bleach, and...
How did it get into bleach?
Uh, you know, he just got up there
and just got some bleach.
Oh, my God, he? It was a boy.
This is so sad.
What kind of a cat wants bleach?
You know, I, uh... I'm gonna
run outside real quick.
Vape? Yeah, let's blaze it up, bro.
No, no. I got to go.
Whoo, yes.
Is Josh taking off?
Hey.
Is everything okay?
I think I'm just gonna call it a night.
What? Why?
_
I'm sorry.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I've got the Hillenbrand manuscript.
Thank you so much for
running it over so late.
I hope I didn't ruin your night.
Nah, I was just playing a little ping-pong.
- Is that right?
- Yeah, but you're so lucky.
I'm such a Hillenbrand fan.
"Seabiscuit" was my favorite.
Well, I wish I could ask you
to come in and read this with me,
but that could get us both in trouble.
Oh.
No, I signed a confidentiality agreement.
There are probably lawyers
hiding in the bushes.
Okay, right.
Well, I should let you get to it.
Okay.
Wait, before you go, a friend of mine
told me that Hachette is
trying to poach Kelsey Peters.
Have you heard anything about that?
Okay, I'll say this.
Everyone wants to feel valuable at work,
and I think that it would
mean a lot to Kelsey
if she knew just how much you valued her,
that you won't always
see her as an assistant
who's been promoted.
I appreciate that information, Liza,
and your discretion.
Okay.
I guess I'll see you on Monday.
- Yeah. See you Monday.
- Enjoy the book.
Yeah, and enjoy your night.
Ping-pong.
Hey.
Hey.
I thought you'd still be at the party.
Eh, I bailed.
Whatever happened with Josh?
Oh, I don't know.
I texted him, and he hasn't texted back.
I just can't figure him out anymore.
Can't figure who out?
Lauren, hi.
Hi.
Uh, can I get you a robe?
Uh, no. No, thank you.
I'd throw on my dress,
but your roommate tore it
in half like a phone book.
Yeah.
I can't believe you brought Lauren here.
She could accidentally see
something, a photo, who knows,
and find out about my age.
She's so self-focused.
She's barely aware of her surroundings.
So where is Josh anyway?
Oh, he went home early.
On a Friday night?
- That is not good.
- You don't know that.
I also date guys.
No, I mean, I do feel like things
have been kind of cooling down between us
in the bedroom.
Yeah, no, I figured that would happen.
- What?
- Josh is really edgy, you know?
And you're, like, the nice girl. I know.
I know that opposites attract,
but, no offense, he's probably bored.
- Hey.
- No, maybe he is bored.
Of course he's bored.
All of these guys have been watching porn
since they guessed their parents' password.
It's hard to keep their attention.
You've got to work at it.
- Like, how?
- Like, be a boss.
Like, you got to get aggro with him.
Okay.
Uh, can you be more specific?
Do you have a leather hood?
Uh, no, no. That's too hard-core.
Okay, all right. A penis cage?
A what?
Fishnets and a finger up the butt?
I think I know what I need to do.
Can I help you?
- Is that my bathrobe?
- No.
This bathrobe belongs to
a young woman named Liza
who my roommate Josh used to date.
Okay. Is Josh home?
Liza?
I just want you to know,
if this is over, it's okay.
I understand, you didn't plan to be
with a 40-year-old divorced mom.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. When did I ever say...
You don't have to say anything.
It's just... it's what I'm feeling.
I mean, first this guy didn't
want anything to do with me,
and then you disappeared from the party.
- Okay, I'm sorry about that.
- Don't be sorry.
You should be with someone your own age
who will go aggro on you and
put your penis in a cage,
but that's not me.
I can't pretend with you anymore.
You know who I really am,
and maybe that's not enough
or it's too much, or just...
Shh.
Hi.
Hi.
Okay, look.
The other night,
I just drank a little too much.
Seriously.
But tonight, everybody started
asking me all these questions,
and it got really weird,
and I just... I left.
I can't be put in that
position again, babe.
Like, come on, I can't lie to your friends.
You know, they're my friends too.
But you don't understand;
I have to lie about my age
at work, or I'll get fired.
I mean, you could tell Kelsey.
She'd be shocked, but she'd get over it.
She's not gonna turn you in.
Kelsey loves you.
She's crazy about you.
I'm crazy about you.
- Really?
- Really.
Ugh.
I'm gonna need that bathrobe dry-cleaned.
Hey. Could I talk to you?
Yeah. Come on in.
- Hi.
- Hi.
First of all, I want to thank you
for giving me my big
break in this business.
Without you believing in me, I...
I know about the Hachette offer.
Oh.
I can't match their money,
but I can offer you something
that you won't get anywhere else.
Your own imprint geared
towards 20-somethings.
You'll choose the projects.
You'll have editorial control,
and you can pick your team.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
It's a big step up,
but I think you're ready.
Thank you.
- Is that a yes?
- Yeah.
Yes.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Um, there's something
that I need to tell you.
Will you sit down?
No.
You sit.
Charles just gave me my own imprint.
What?
For millennials, by millennials.
I get to run it.
That's fantastic!
It's gonna be huge, and I
want you to be a part of it.
- Really?
- Of course, yes! You're smart.
You're young. You have great taste.
I don't want to do this without you.
Then I'm here for you.
We're gonna be 26-year-old bosses.
Wait, you had something to tell me.
Nothing.
- Yay!
- Ah!
Oh, my God.
and talked to that tattoo guy.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I gave him a piece of my mind.
You gave him a piece of something.
What is that supposed to mean?
I saw you, Mom.
So, okay, how exactly does that work?
You go down to complain but
end up making out with him?
I mean, gee, the Pakistani
guy at the bodega
gave me the wrong change.
Are you gonna go give him a handy?
- Don't talk to me like that.
- Well, I'm sorry.
But I don't know what's going on here.
Okay, you know that your
father and I are separated,
and eventually I'm gonna be seeing people.
The tattoo guy?
His name is Josh.
And you're, like, a couple?
Um, sort of.
Okay.
That's the grossest thing I've ever heard.
- Oh, come on. Can we just...
- No...
Let's just sit down and talk about...
No, Mom, you're having a midlife crisis,
just like Dad, and I don't
want to talk about it.
I don't want to think about
it. I just want to go to bed.
Ugh.
I just thought about it again.
And then she said I was
having a midlife crisis.
Your crisis was your
boring life before this.
Ugh, I hate this.
Caitlin and I have always been so close,
and now I can't talk to
her about anything...
Josh, work.
Maybe I could tell her about work.
No!
You know, we've been through this already.
She's a teenager,
and she's gonna blow your
cover and blab to everybody.
Keep your mouth shut and
get her through college.
- Are you expecting anybody?
- No.
- Hi, who is it?
- It's David.
Is that Dad?
Yeah.
What, are you leaving?
Yeah, I'm just gonna stay
with him for a few weeks.
He's giving me a job in his office.
Did you tell him about Josh?
No, I just told him
it was getting awkward around here,
which it is.
But you don't have to leave, Caitlin.
I think you need to figure stuff out,
and, you know, I need a job.
Dad needs help in the office.
It's a win-win-win.
- Hey! How are you?
- Hi!
Oh, it's so good to see you.
- Hi, Dad.
- You're so thin.
- Oh.
- Did they feed you in India?
No, I need dead cow,
like, as soon as possible.
All right, White Castle
on the way home, baby.
Liza, how come every time I
see you, you look younger?
You just forgot what she looked like happy.
- Hey, Maggie.
- Oh, lovely.
Good to see you. Love the robe.
- When's the big fight?
- All right. Okay.
You call me if you need anything.
And remember, you can always come back.
- I second that. Come here.
- Thank you.
I'm gonna miss you.
Somehow, I don't think
you'll be too lonely.
What does that mean?
Nothing.
Come on, Dad.
She'll be fine.
She'll be back.
Low foam skinny cap...
Shh, shh.
Rob, is there no way that
we could meet in person?
Discuss this face-to-face?
I already signed the
contract with Hachette.
Look, I really appreciate
all you've done for me,
but it's time to move on.
Good luck, guys.
And good luck to you, Rob.
Just know that Empirical's
door is always open.
Screw him; send out a
press release immediately
that says we dumped Rob Olive.
I don't get it.
Hachette already has so
many Sick Lit writers.
- What's Sick Lit?
- Terminally ill teen genre.
Like "Fault in Our Stars."
I spent so many hours at
the desk with that guy,
literally milking every chapter from him.
She even came up with the title
of his last best seller,
"Hashtag I'm Dying."
Well, maybe there's some
way to get him back.
Too late, Galley Cat is
already reporting it.
Hey.
Hey, hot pants.
Can you believe it?
Finally gonna get a night together.
And they're really good about checking IDs,
so we don't have to worry
about your daughter showing up.
Sorry it's been so weird.
Oh, it's okay. It's okay.
We're weird, all right?
I don't know. I kind of like it.
What are you gonna do?
Drink?
- Excellent.
- All right, all right.
Who's ready for Trivia Tuesday?
Yeah!
It's trivia night?
Free shot for every correct answer.
Oh, okay. Now it get it.
Yeah.
Petey Piranha and King Boo
ride together in this multiplayer game.
- "Mario Kart: Double Dash!!"
- Correct!
I totally remember that game.
Yeah, but you didn't
remember it fast enough.
- I know.
- Next question.
You have to translate this emoji sentence.
Oh, dude, these are my jam.
Eggplant, peach, two cows,
house, question mark.
Let's have sex till the cows come home!
- Correct.
- Yeah!
- What?
- Damn!
She's really good at this.
All right, next category is the '90s.
All right. Now we're talking.
Her name was Lisa Lopes.
Her nickname was...
- Left Eye!
- Correct!
- Yes!
- Next question.
O.J. Simpson had a house guest...
- Kato Kaelin.
- Correctamundo!
Okay, here's a hard one, guys.
Who was the mastermind behind the smashing
of Nancy Kerrigan's...
- Jeff Gillooly!
- Wow. Amazing.
How is she getting all these?
She's 40!
Hey, easy with the F word, sweetie.
What?
Two more shots for our winners.
No, no. I'm okay. I've had enough.
No, no. Keep 'em coming.
What are you talking
about, you've had enough?
Oh, my God.
- You know what I just thought of?
- What?
When I was born, you were in middle school.
I guess so.
And when I was 16, you were...
You were 30!
Yep, pretty much always
a 14-year age difference.
Oh, my God, though.
You're closer to my mom's
age than you are to mine.
Okay, can we stop doing the math now?
- Yes.
- Okay.
- No more math.
- No more math.
I don't like... ooh.
Are you okay? Is something wrong?
No, no, no. We're good.
Okay.
Okay? Okay.
Nope. Nope.
Oh, I know what's happening.
What?
- I have whiskey dick.
- What?
Whiskey dick.
My 40-year-old girlfriend
got my dick drunk.
Sorry.
Good morning.
That remains to be seen.
- You look tired.
- Ah, yeah.
My boyfriend and I got into
some whiskey last night...
Not interested.
I need you to be surgically
attached to your phone
for the next 48 hours.
Um, okay.
Laura Hillenbrand's new book
is coming up for auction.
The second it is released to
the bidders, I will text you.
You will drop everything and
sign out a watermarked copy
from her agent's office and
hand-deliver it to Charles.
That's exciting.
I loved "Seabiscuit" and "Unbroken."
Liza, if you want to be taken seriously,
you can't just blurt out
your unrequested opinion.
This is not a Gallup poll.
I bet "Seabiscuit" would
love a Gallup poll.
Honestly, it's like you have some form
of literary Tourette's.
Hey, how's it going?
Not good.
I'm looking for the next Rob Olive.
I stayed up all night
reading Sick Lit books,
and now I'm pretty sure I have
five different kinds of cancer.
You?
Actually, can I ask you something?
Yeah.
Has Thad ever had trouble performing?
Like a coke poke?
- What's a coke poke?
- The worst.
It's like running as hard
as you can to a finish line
that never, ever comes.
Oh.
- Sore for days.
- Yeah, no.
That's not Josh's thing,
but last night, we were
out, and we were drinking...
Wait, you and Josh are back together?
Yeah, we're, um...
We're trying to work things out.
Oh, my God.
I need a scorecard to keep up with you two.
Well, while you guys are on again,
bring him to Hector and
Dorf's launch tonight
because their parties
give everyone a boner.
- _
- It's Rob Olive.
And he wants to meet for lunch.
- Kelsey, thanks for coming.
- Yeah.
Oh, I'm so glad we could
finally meet face-to-face.
Look, it's important.
My new story isn't coming.
I'm completely stuck.
All right.
What's it about?
A high school girl gets put on hospice care
the day before her prom.
It's a great premise, but it's all I got.
Okay, what if her friends
bring the prom to her and
have it at the hospice?
Oh, my God.
That is genius.
See?
I can't do this without you.
So come back to Empirical.
No.
I want you to come with me to Hachette.
Oh, come on.
I'm sure their editorial
team would just love that.
They're preparing you an offer as we speak.
What?
They know what you're making at Empirical,
and they can do much better.
Wait till you see this offer.
I look forward to seeing it.
This is badass.
What exactly is it?
Hector and Dorf's new collection
is inspired by Cold War-era
ping-pong diplomacy.
What the what, what?
Nixon-era stuff.
On the invitation, it said
that the U.S. Table Tennis team
were the first Americans
to visit communist China
back in 1971.
1971.
That's the year you were born, right?
1974.
Don't make me any older than I am.
You guys want something from the bar?
- Yeah.
- Please.
Oh, hey.
No whiskey.
- I promise.
- Okay.
You see how focused he is on my age now?
- He's just joking.
- He's obsessed.
Oh, come on. Let's play some ping-pong.
The Hachette offer just came in.
Wow. Not bad.
I just really don't
want to leave Empirical.
They're like my family.
A poor family.
What? This offer's good, Kels.
And I bet you can get escalating bonuses
based on Rob Olive's sales.
You know what?
Actually, just CC me into the emails,
and I'll take care of it.
Tell 'em I'm your financial manager.
Thank you for looking out for me.
I am gonna squeeze their nuts
till they're squirting money in your face.
Okay, you can't tell anyone,
but Hachette just made me a big offer.
- What?
- I know.
Well, what are you gonna do?
Thad thinks I should take it.
Well, you're at least
gonna give Charles a chance
to match the offer, right?
I think I should. I mean,
he gave me my big break.
I owe him my career, but
then the other part of me
thinks that he's always going to
view me as a former assistant,
you know, no matter what I do.
He's never really gonna value
me as an editor in my own right.
Kelsey, I don't think that's true.
It's not his fault.
It would be the same anywhere.
You got to leave to be taken seriously.
We're up.
Josh! There you are.
- Hey, hey, Thad.
- Hey.
All right, let's skip the small talk.
I need deets on the breakup.
You said you never really knew Liza.
Then you guys are back together.
What? What is the deal?
Uh, I am going to go get
some dessert, actually, so...
No, no, no. Waiter! Waiter!
Hey, bring us some Tienanmen squares.
Oh, man. Those are really good.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey.
- Josh!
- Hi.
Hi, Liza told me you
guys are back together.
I'm really happy about that.
Shh, he was just telling
us about the breakup.
- No, I wasn't, actually.
- Come on.
- Somebody cheated.
- Nobody cheated.
- She cheated.
- No.
- Am I right?
- No, we just had our stuff.
What? Like what?
Like, she was allergic to my cat.
You broke up over a cat?
Then why would you guys get back together?
Because it died.
Your cat died?
What happened?
It ate some bleach, and...
How did it get into bleach?
Uh, you know, he just got up there
and just got some bleach.
Oh, my God, he? It was a boy.
This is so sad.
What kind of a cat wants bleach?
You know, I, uh... I'm gonna
run outside real quick.
Vape? Yeah, let's blaze it up, bro.
No, no. I got to go.
Whoo, yes.
Is Josh taking off?
Hey.
Is everything okay?
I think I'm just gonna call it a night.
What? Why?
_
I'm sorry.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I've got the Hillenbrand manuscript.
Thank you so much for
running it over so late.
I hope I didn't ruin your night.
Nah, I was just playing a little ping-pong.
- Is that right?
- Yeah, but you're so lucky.
I'm such a Hillenbrand fan.
"Seabiscuit" was my favorite.
Well, I wish I could ask you
to come in and read this with me,
but that could get us both in trouble.
Oh.
No, I signed a confidentiality agreement.
There are probably lawyers
hiding in the bushes.
Okay, right.
Well, I should let you get to it.
Okay.
Wait, before you go, a friend of mine
told me that Hachette is
trying to poach Kelsey Peters.
Have you heard anything about that?
Okay, I'll say this.
Everyone wants to feel valuable at work,
and I think that it would
mean a lot to Kelsey
if she knew just how much you valued her,
that you won't always
see her as an assistant
who's been promoted.
I appreciate that information, Liza,
and your discretion.
Okay.
I guess I'll see you on Monday.
- Yeah. See you Monday.
- Enjoy the book.
Yeah, and enjoy your night.
Ping-pong.
Hey.
Hey.
I thought you'd still be at the party.
Eh, I bailed.
Whatever happened with Josh?
Oh, I don't know.
I texted him, and he hasn't texted back.
I just can't figure him out anymore.
Can't figure who out?
Lauren, hi.
Hi.
Uh, can I get you a robe?
Uh, no. No, thank you.
I'd throw on my dress,
but your roommate tore it
in half like a phone book.
Yeah.
I can't believe you brought Lauren here.
She could accidentally see
something, a photo, who knows,
and find out about my age.
She's so self-focused.
She's barely aware of her surroundings.
So where is Josh anyway?
Oh, he went home early.
On a Friday night?
- That is not good.
- You don't know that.
I also date guys.
No, I mean, I do feel like things
have been kind of cooling down between us
in the bedroom.
Yeah, no, I figured that would happen.
- What?
- Josh is really edgy, you know?
And you're, like, the nice girl. I know.
I know that opposites attract,
but, no offense, he's probably bored.
- Hey.
- No, maybe he is bored.
Of course he's bored.
All of these guys have been watching porn
since they guessed their parents' password.
It's hard to keep their attention.
You've got to work at it.
- Like, how?
- Like, be a boss.
Like, you got to get aggro with him.
Okay.
Uh, can you be more specific?
Do you have a leather hood?
Uh, no, no. That's too hard-core.
Okay, all right. A penis cage?
A what?
Fishnets and a finger up the butt?
I think I know what I need to do.
Can I help you?
- Is that my bathrobe?
- No.
This bathrobe belongs to
a young woman named Liza
who my roommate Josh used to date.
Okay. Is Josh home?
Liza?
I just want you to know,
if this is over, it's okay.
I understand, you didn't plan to be
with a 40-year-old divorced mom.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. When did I ever say...
You don't have to say anything.
It's just... it's what I'm feeling.
I mean, first this guy didn't
want anything to do with me,
and then you disappeared from the party.
- Okay, I'm sorry about that.
- Don't be sorry.
You should be with someone your own age
who will go aggro on you and
put your penis in a cage,
but that's not me.
I can't pretend with you anymore.
You know who I really am,
and maybe that's not enough
or it's too much, or just...
Shh.
Hi.
Hi.
Okay, look.
The other night,
I just drank a little too much.
Seriously.
But tonight, everybody started
asking me all these questions,
and it got really weird,
and I just... I left.
I can't be put in that
position again, babe.
Like, come on, I can't lie to your friends.
You know, they're my friends too.
But you don't understand;
I have to lie about my age
at work, or I'll get fired.
I mean, you could tell Kelsey.
She'd be shocked, but she'd get over it.
She's not gonna turn you in.
Kelsey loves you.
She's crazy about you.
I'm crazy about you.
- Really?
- Really.
Ugh.
I'm gonna need that bathrobe dry-cleaned.
Hey. Could I talk to you?
Yeah. Come on in.
- Hi.
- Hi.
First of all, I want to thank you
for giving me my big
break in this business.
Without you believing in me, I...
I know about the Hachette offer.
Oh.
I can't match their money,
but I can offer you something
that you won't get anywhere else.
Your own imprint geared
towards 20-somethings.
You'll choose the projects.
You'll have editorial control,
and you can pick your team.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
It's a big step up,
but I think you're ready.
Thank you.
- Is that a yes?
- Yeah.
Yes.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Um, there's something
that I need to tell you.
Will you sit down?
No.
You sit.
Charles just gave me my own imprint.
What?
For millennials, by millennials.
I get to run it.
That's fantastic!
It's gonna be huge, and I
want you to be a part of it.
- Really?
- Of course, yes! You're smart.
You're young. You have great taste.
I don't want to do this without you.
Then I'm here for you.
We're gonna be 26-year-old bosses.
Wait, you had something to tell me.
Nothing.
- Yay!
- Ah!
Oh, my God.