Younger (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 10 - Bad Romance - full transcript
Liza leans in at work, joining an assistants' networking group where she learns more than she'd like to about Thad.
[upbeat music]
*
- So I text Caitlin to say,
"What are we doing
for your birthday on Friday?"
And she's like,
"Dinner? Brooklyn?"
And I'm like,
"Yeah, can't wait."
And then she was like--
- I have bad news.
How much longer is
this story gonna take?
- She wants to invite
David to dinner.
What could be worse
news than that?
[coffee pouring]
Oh.
I see.
That's the girl
who wrote the story
about Josh for
"T Magazine"--
Greta.
- Ugh, what a whore.
- That's a little harsh.
- I mean publicity whore.
- That's fair.
Since when is he a Friend
of the High Line?
He doesn't even know
the High Line.
- Well, he does
like to get high.
- Well, at least
he looks happy.
That's all that matters.
*
- Yeah, 'cause he's high.
*
- Public humiliation.
- Good morning.
- My ex, Andy, and his
husband Eduardo
had their engagement
printed in the "New York Times."
They were the featured couple
with the color pictures,
so I get it.
- Yeah, we just broke up,
so it's pretty tough.
I'm feeling--
- Liza, let's not wallow in it.
We have a lot of work
to do today.
- Right.
You have a conference call
at 9:00,
a marketing show-and-tell
at 10:30,
and you are Skyping with
Greg from Powell's at noon.
- Great.
Make a reservation at Aureole
for 12:30.
I'm taking you to lunch.
- Oh, okay.
- And I have a jacket
to cover up...
that.
[energetic music]
*
- This is nice.
- Nice?
This is a power booth, Liza.
From here we can
see and be seen
by everyone who comes in,
and it was lit by the same guy
who did Angela Lansbury's
return to Broadway,
so from two booths back,
we look like infants.
You want my advice
on your breakup?
- Sure.
- Invest in yourself.
Put everything into your career.
It'll pay off.
Romance is...incidental.
But you work hard enough,
and you will always have a job.
- Oh, okay.
I guess.
- And maybe someday...
I will join you at
your power booth.
- Diana, if I have
a power booth,
you'll be the first
person I invite.
- Christ, Jackie Dunn
just walked in.
Here she comes.
Hide the bread.
Jackie, what are you doing
below 50th?
- Oh, you know.
Just keeping it real.
[laughs]
Actually, Mark and I
just moved to Tribeca.
- What?
- It's a hike, but we love it,
- Here you go, Jackie.
I ran over as soon
as I realized.
- Oh, is it supposed to rain?
- No, it's very sunny, and you
can't go out in the sun
for 10 days after--
- It has been so good
seeing you, Diana.
We really need to get
a lunch on the books.
- Definitely.
- I don't need you anymore.
- I...
You must be Emily, right?
I'm Liza, Diana's assistant.
We've GChatted.
- Oh, hi.
Wow, you're not at all
what I pictured.
You were so nice on the phone,
I assumed you were, like,
homely or twee,
but you seem totally normal.
- Uh, thanks.
You seem normal too.
- Hey, there's this
young professionals mixer
tonight in Chelsea.
They're totally fun, and it's
not just publishing nerds.
It's assistants from
all over Manhattan.
You should come.
- Oh, tonight, I--
- She'll be there.
Lean in.
- Okay.
- Uh, you can go.
[upbeat music]
*
- Hey, have you ever heard of
the Young Professionals Society?
I got invited to their mixer.
- Yeah, it's kind of dorky.
It's for people who are,
like, desperate to move up.
You should check it out.
- What, because I'm desperate?
- No.
Because you're dorky.
[computer chimes]
Oh, my God.
Lauren is out of control.
She has turned into
a complete bridesmaidzilla.
I don't know what to do.
- Well, just be honest with her.
Tell her you want
a low-key wedding.
- I have, and then she
pinched my arm
really hard and said,
"You're better than that."
- Wow, okay.
Well, uh, maybe try
to get her to focus
on a less significant
part of the wedding,
like flowers.
- Flowers are everything!
- Okay, well, something else.
I mean, getting married
is stressful.
Just make sure to focus
on what's important to you.
- Yeah.
Says the person who's never
had to plan a wedding.
- You got me there.
- Babe, you have to help me with
these wedding decisions, okay?
- Of course, boo, I got you.
We are in this together.
I'm just gonna have to take
a call in, like, five.
- All right, you two.
Let's do this.
Uh, Kelsey, did you get my
email about the dresses?
- Yes.
I am not wearing
a see-through wedding dress.
- Why?
- Because I don't
want my grandma
to see my Hello Kitty.
- There was beadwork.
- Okay, Lauren, if Kelsey
doesn't want her choach showing,
then it ain't showing.
End of discussion.
- I know, I know--
I'm pushing you guys.
But it's my job.
- It is?
- Yes.
And you're pushing back,
which I appreciate.
Together, we are gonna
grind out something beautiful.
All right?
I know it.
I just--
I need you guys to stay open
to this process, okay?
- Fine.
- Great.
Let's take a tour of the space,
after I introduce you
to your dream team.
Linda Chang, James Beard
Award-winning sommelier.
Tammy Anders, pastry chef.
She'll be in charge of curating
your venetian hour.
Matt Marks,
social media concierge.
He will ensure your special day
is documented
on Facebook, Twitter,
and Instagram.
He will also come up
with your hashtag.
- Don't we just
combine our names?
- Mm-hmm.
- We--we can do that.
- Oh, really?
Because you haven't.
Okay?
Matt also works with
this Foto Robot,
an interactive photo booth.
- Hello, Kelsey and Thad.
- Babe, got to jump on this.
- Can't we just hire
a human photographer?
- Hey, Lauren.
[falcon screaming]
- Lauren, I thought
we talked about this.
- I know, I know.
I just thought that if Jan
and Bonnie came here in person
that you might change your mind.
- I do not want a predator
flying around with
our rings in its mouth.
- Well, for your information,
she wears them in a little pouch
around her neck.
- No.
- Okay, I'd like Thad
to weigh in.
- Thad?
[falcon screaming]
- God damn it!
- That'd be a no
from Thad, too.
[lively music]
*
- Liza!
Over here!
- Hi.
- Hey.
Wow, everyone looks like
they're right out of college.
- Honestly, some of these people
are probably still in college.
It's so hard to get a job,
if you land a summer internship,
you just stay.
- My degree never
helped me get anything.
- Where'd you go?
- Um...Dartmouth.
- No.
When did you graduate?
- Uh, '08.
- So did I.
Marta--Marta Beem?
They used to call me
Deer Slayer,
'cause I sold venison steaks
out of my dorm.
- [laughs nervously]
- [laughs]
- That's not ringing a bell.
- No, I totally know you.
Did you play volleyball?
- Ski team.
- Yes.
Oh, my God, I remember you.
This is nuts.
You have to come to our
Dartmouth alumni group
next week.
- Hey, Sierra.
This is Liza.
She's new.
- Liza and I went
to Dartmouth together.
She works in publishing.
Sierra's killing it
at the hedge fund game
over at Onyx Capital.
- It is insane how much
money I make.
- Onyx Capital?
My, uh, my friend's
fiancé works over there.
Thad Weber.
- Thad is someone's fiancé?
Ugh, yikes.
- What do you mean "yikes"?
- I just met you, so I feel like
I shouldn't say anything,
but in the spirit
of helping women,
I feel like I should.
- You definitely should.
- If it's gonna help women.
- There's a rumor going around
that Thad is hooking up
with his assistant.
Apparently they do it in
the 30th floor bathrooms
every single day.
- Ugh.
Stall rabbits.
There's an infestation
at my work.
- Nobody's hooking up
at my work, and I'm, like,
totally DTF.
- Uh, Thad?
Are you sure?
- I mean, I haven't,
like, seen it.
But yes, I've heard from
some very reliable sources.
- I mean, he can be
a jerk sometimes,
but I rally don't think
he would do that to Kelsey.
- I'm not saying
he's a terrible guy.
It's just all
the portfolio managers
think that screwing
their assistant
is part of the job.
- Huh.
- You can barely ever
get a handicapped stall
after 3:00 p.m.
in that building.
- Ew.
- Damn.
- Okay, so we took your advice,
and I'm having Lauren
throw me an engagement party--
hopefully get all the crazy
out of her system.
- That's a great idea.
- Yeah, so it's Saturday night
at Barocco.
- Is, um, Thad excited about it?
- No.
He's a guy.
He doesn't care about
an engagement party.
He barely cares
we're having a wedding.
- What do you mean?
- I mean...
he cares, obviously,
but you know,
he just can't be bothered
by any of the prep.
- Well, does he have
an assistant
he wouldn't mind asking
for personal favors?
Like, wedding stuff?
- I think he shares an assistant
with a bunch of other guys.
But he does have
a lot of hot, single friends
who'll be at the party,
and there are benefits
to rebound sex.
Like confidence.
Come on, Josh is
with this hot, new,
Internet-famous girl,
and you've got to be
thinking about that.
- I am now.
- So get yours.
Temporary fixes are better
than no fixes at all.
- Are you really
giving me this advice?
- Yes.
Sometimes you got to
get under someone
to get over someone.
[lively music]
*
- Well, this is fun.
- Yeah, I'm so glad
we're doing this.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
How's work, sweetie?
- Oh, it's good, good.
Hectic.
I, uh...
You weren't asking me.
- I was not.
- [chuckles]
- It's going well.
Dad and I are holding
down the fort.
- Caitlin's a bit of a natural
with the cheek retractor.
Might be a dental school
in our future over here.
- Uh, I-I don't want
to spend my life
inside people's mouths.
No offense, Dad.
[accordion music]
- Ooh, Liza.
Look at this fella
over here.
Check him out.
- What?
- Ugh.
- On our honeymoon in Italy,
we were at this little
hole-in-the-wall restaurant.
Uh, and the waiters just
kept pouring the wine, and--
- And your dad kept drinking it.
- Well, I was being polite.
- Well, he got really "polite"
and decided to join
the accordion band.
- Join?
What do you mean, join?
- Well, they just--
they put a little hat on me,
and, uh, they gave me
an accordion.
- He took the accordion...
- Well--
- And started pumping away
like he was bringing it
back to life.
- Oh, my God.
Were you any good?
- No.
- No?
- He was terrible.
- Okay, I agree with that.
But when we got back to Jersey,
remember, I went to a pawn shop,
and I bought an accordion,
and I taught myself
to play a little.
- Ugh.
- No way.
Prove it.
- Hmm.
Okay, I will.
- Yeah?
Are you doing this?
- I don't think you should.
- Really?
- Mom, it's my birthday.
- Yeah, but this is not a gift.
- Oh, yeah?
- Believe me.
What are you doing?
- Can I just--can I just
use this for a second?
- David...
- Heavier than I remember.
- David...
- Oh, that's cool.
Can I get your hat, too?
Thanks.
I appreciate it.
- I apologize.
- [laughs]
[strums accordion]
- Oh!
[plays masterfully]
*
- [laughing]
*
- Yay!
- Bravo!
[applause]
- Thank you.
Thank you, everyone.
- Yeah!
[applause]
That's my dad.
- Whoo!
- I'm just saying,
no other parents dressed up
to take their kids
trick-or-treating.
- No other parents were
as creative as we were.
- [laughing]
Oh, okay.
- You remember the time
we dressed her up
as a little white tiger?
And then you and I went as--
who were those--
Siegfried and Roy.
- Yeah!
- Yes!
And every door we'd go to,
Mom would just hold me up
to her face and scream,
"Mantecore, no!"
Yeah, some people got it.
[laughter]
Oh, wow, uh, it's later
than I thought.
- [clears throat]
- Do you guys mind if I go?
I told Padma I'd meet her,
like, a half hour ago.
- Oh.
- Of course, go.
Get out of here.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- It's okay.
Happy birthday, baby.
- Muah.
- Be safe, please.
- Okay.
- All growed up.
Come here, you.
Love you--happy birthday.
- Thank you for dinner.
Really great time.
- Yeah.
Ugh, my God, it's crazy
how old she is.
- [laughing]
It's crazy how old we are.
- Doesn't seem to
have affected you.
You look great.
- Yeah, right.
- [sighs]
Oh man, I miss this, Liza--
us together as a family.
I know it's all my fault.
You don't have to say it.
- Oh, I wasn't gonna.
I was just gonna smile and nod.
- [chuckles]
- [clears throat]
- So I hear through
the grapevine
that you're, uh,
seeing somebody.
- [clears throat]
We broke up.
- Ha!
You dumped him already?
- He kind of dumped me.
- What?
Oh, the guy is clearly an idiot.
[clears throat]
Some more?
- Uh, a splash.
- [sighs]
I know you think
I'm a bad person, Liza,
but I'm not.
- Don't tell me
what I'm thinking.
You don't know me.
I've changed.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
In fact, some people
might say I'm a bad guy.
- Well, you do seem different.
Not bad, just--
I don't know,
sort of...cooler.
- Oh, yeah, well, I am cool.
You'd be surprised.
- Surprise me.
[chuckles]
- Another bottle?
- Mm-mmm.
- Yeah, please.
[upbeat music]
- Oh, you do not
have to walk me home.
- Well, I'm the one
with the umbrella,
plus you--you do not look
safe in those boots.
- What?
- When did you even start
wearing boots like that?
It's so hot.
- About the same time
I started wearing hot underwear
like this.
- Whoa, wait a second!
I want to see that.
Do that again.
- Yeah, you missed out
on this, baby.
Hey.
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I was--I was--
[energetic music]
[thunder crashing]
[dramatic music]
*
[thunder crashing]
- Ugh.
- What's the matter?
You have a bad dream?
- Ugh, I wish.
I drank too much at dinner,
and something horrible happened.
I had sex with my husband.
- My God.
I heard you clunking around.
I thought you were making food,
not slicing pie with David.
- Oh, gross, gross,
gross, gross.
Now he's gonna think we have
a shot at getting back together.
- Well, I can go sneak
into your room
and put my pointy knee
right into his ball sack.
He'll be hauling ass
back to New Jersey
before the sun comes up.
- [laughs]
Thank you.
- [chuckles]
- This is my mess.
Ugh, I'll deal with it...
in the morning.
[upbeat music]
*
- [laughing]
Oh, my God.
- He's not here.
Maybe it really
was a bad dream.
- Nah, it was real.
You had a one night stand
with your husband,
and he left you a note.
- Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
Ugh.
"That was fun."
Ugh.
- So something
a dentist would say
after a routine filling.
- Ew.
[scoffs]
I'm behaving like an actual
26-year-old:
having rebound sex.
- More like boomerang.
- And pining over
my ex-boyfriend.
I've re-read all of our texts.
I scroll through our photos
whenever I'm bored.
I can't keep doing this.
I'm not some emo teen
who just lost her virginity.
- No, you're
a 40-year-old mother.
- Yeah.
- And a 26-year-old
marketing assistant.
- Right.
- And a considerate roommate
who wouldn't mind
schlepping my sheets
to the Laundromat
on her way to work.
- On it.
- * You light me up inside
* And make me come alive
- * You know you
light me up inside *
* You know you turn me on
* You got me burnin' up *
* You got it goin' on *
* You in your zone,
don't slow it down *
- Hey, this party is amazing.
- But could you imagine
if it was my wedding?
My cousins with their
home-schooled children
eating sushi off of drag queens?
- No, this is not a place
for churchy cousins.
- Whoo.
All right, squad.
- Would you fancy a picture?
- [laughs]
- Okay.
- Cheers.
Long live the union of
Kelsey and Thad.
- Okay, you two should go get
in line for the Cava chandelier.
I have to go deal
with Lordy GuyGuy.
- Who?
- Lordy GuyGuy.
The best Gaga impersonator
in the city.
He even impersonates
her power trips.
If you'll excuse me...
[pop music]
- So where's Thad?
- Uh, brah-ing it up somewhere.
He's got all of his work friends
here to entertain.
- Is that, uh,
someone from work?
- Her?
Um, I don't know.
Maybe.
- Well, should we go meet her?
Chat her up?
Scare her off--whatever?
- What does that mean?
- Uh, just that it's Thad,
and you know, he's talking
to a pretty girl.
- Liza, this is my
engagement party.
You are not allowed
to insinuate
that my fiancé is
flirting with someone.
- [sighs]
Okay, you know what?
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I just--God, this breakup
is just really
messing with my head.
- Yeah, because that's
what breakups do.
You need some physical activity.
Get you out of your head.
Just say the word, okay?
Any guy in here in
an expensive suit
is looking for
a "smash and dash."
- Ha, well, actually,
I took care of that last night
with a married man.
Well, actually divorced.
- Oh, my God.
Divorced guys are so tragic.
Where did you meet him?
- At a restaurant.
He was playing the accordion.
- [gasps]
Oh, that sounds gross.
- It was really gross.
- Did sleeping with him at least
help the Josh situation?
- It made me realize that
I want to focus on work,
and not guys and relationships
for a while.
- Ah.
Big belly, small dick?
- You know what?
You can be the one
to focus on relationships,
because you're getting married.
It's a really big deal.
I'll carry the ball
for a while.
- Okay, I'm gonna
let you focus on work,
but if you change your mind,
my uncle George plays bagpipe
in a Celtic rock band.
- Ooh, tempting.
*
- * Oh, oh, we
started a war *
* There's no
turning back *
- * There's no
turning back *
- * Till we
come down *
*
[phone chimes]
* Till we
come down *
- Oh, my gosh.
I just have to say,
this is the best party
I have ever thrown.
- Good.
Enjoy it.
- Yes!
Wait until the wedding.
- You're not doing the wedding.
- What?
- I'm sorry, Lauren.
I love you,
but my wedding is
going to be what I want.
- Right, and I assumed
you wanted something awesome.
- I want something quiet
in a church--
somewhere I can
bring my parents,
something where the sushi
is stationary,
and my dress won't
be see-through.
It'll be white...
- [gasps]
- Ish.
- No!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You can't do that!
- I'm sorry, Lauren.
Throw a lunatic parade
of a wedding
when you get married.
- [gasps]
Fine, you know what?
I will.
- Good.
And I will be right there
with you the whole time.
- Thank you.
That is really sweet.
I tried to hijack your wedding,
didn't I?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
I am--
I am so sorry.
No more over-the-top
suggestions, all right?
I promise.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
At least consider the falcon.
- Welcome, everybody.
I'm gonna make this short.
My Kelsey.
You--you know that you are like
another daughter to me.
And I love you dearly.
And I wish you only good things.
- She's like a daughter
to both of us.
- Yes, she is.
- May your marriage be filled
with as much happiness
and hot sex as ours.
Mazel tov, everybody!
[cheers]
She's an animal, this woman!
An animal!
All right.
- Cheers, guys.
- Are we done--it's over?
- You mind if I, uh--
you mind if I do one, guys?
- Give him the mic.
Hey, hey, give him the mic.
[cheering]
Here.
- What's up?
So, uh, I know
we're all here to
"cheers" the happy couple,
but, um,
I got to raise the glass
to my boy.
Thaddeus!
- Whoo-whoo!
- Onyx Capital forever!
[cheering and light applause]
I love you.
I love you, Thaddy.
- Thank you, thank you, Tim.
Dude, come on.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- One last thing, you guys.
Kelsey and Thad,
to your love.
May it be wild, beautiful,
dangerous, and majestic.
Swoop, Bonnie!
Swoop!
[guests murmuring]
Come--come on, Bonnie.
Get down here on my glove, Bon.
Bonnie, go.
Bonnie!
I'll be right back.
[microphone clatters]
[energetic music]
- * Tick, tock, tick, tock
[phone chimes]
* Take your places
*
* We're gonna rain tonight *
*
* I got you hypnotized
* I'm gonna make you mine *
- Either you tell her,
or I will.
- * I got you hypnotized
[confetti bangs]
[cheers]
*
*
- So I text Caitlin to say,
"What are we doing
for your birthday on Friday?"
And she's like,
"Dinner? Brooklyn?"
And I'm like,
"Yeah, can't wait."
And then she was like--
- I have bad news.
How much longer is
this story gonna take?
- She wants to invite
David to dinner.
What could be worse
news than that?
[coffee pouring]
Oh.
I see.
That's the girl
who wrote the story
about Josh for
"T Magazine"--
Greta.
- Ugh, what a whore.
- That's a little harsh.
- I mean publicity whore.
- That's fair.
Since when is he a Friend
of the High Line?
He doesn't even know
the High Line.
- Well, he does
like to get high.
- Well, at least
he looks happy.
That's all that matters.
*
- Yeah, 'cause he's high.
*
- Public humiliation.
- Good morning.
- My ex, Andy, and his
husband Eduardo
had their engagement
printed in the "New York Times."
They were the featured couple
with the color pictures,
so I get it.
- Yeah, we just broke up,
so it's pretty tough.
I'm feeling--
- Liza, let's not wallow in it.
We have a lot of work
to do today.
- Right.
You have a conference call
at 9:00,
a marketing show-and-tell
at 10:30,
and you are Skyping with
Greg from Powell's at noon.
- Great.
Make a reservation at Aureole
for 12:30.
I'm taking you to lunch.
- Oh, okay.
- And I have a jacket
to cover up...
that.
[energetic music]
*
- This is nice.
- Nice?
This is a power booth, Liza.
From here we can
see and be seen
by everyone who comes in,
and it was lit by the same guy
who did Angela Lansbury's
return to Broadway,
so from two booths back,
we look like infants.
You want my advice
on your breakup?
- Sure.
- Invest in yourself.
Put everything into your career.
It'll pay off.
Romance is...incidental.
But you work hard enough,
and you will always have a job.
- Oh, okay.
I guess.
- And maybe someday...
I will join you at
your power booth.
- Diana, if I have
a power booth,
you'll be the first
person I invite.
- Christ, Jackie Dunn
just walked in.
Here she comes.
Hide the bread.
Jackie, what are you doing
below 50th?
- Oh, you know.
Just keeping it real.
[laughs]
Actually, Mark and I
just moved to Tribeca.
- What?
- It's a hike, but we love it,
- Here you go, Jackie.
I ran over as soon
as I realized.
- Oh, is it supposed to rain?
- No, it's very sunny, and you
can't go out in the sun
for 10 days after--
- It has been so good
seeing you, Diana.
We really need to get
a lunch on the books.
- Definitely.
- I don't need you anymore.
- I...
You must be Emily, right?
I'm Liza, Diana's assistant.
We've GChatted.
- Oh, hi.
Wow, you're not at all
what I pictured.
You were so nice on the phone,
I assumed you were, like,
homely or twee,
but you seem totally normal.
- Uh, thanks.
You seem normal too.
- Hey, there's this
young professionals mixer
tonight in Chelsea.
They're totally fun, and it's
not just publishing nerds.
It's assistants from
all over Manhattan.
You should come.
- Oh, tonight, I--
- She'll be there.
Lean in.
- Okay.
- Uh, you can go.
[upbeat music]
*
- Hey, have you ever heard of
the Young Professionals Society?
I got invited to their mixer.
- Yeah, it's kind of dorky.
It's for people who are,
like, desperate to move up.
You should check it out.
- What, because I'm desperate?
- No.
Because you're dorky.
[computer chimes]
Oh, my God.
Lauren is out of control.
She has turned into
a complete bridesmaidzilla.
I don't know what to do.
- Well, just be honest with her.
Tell her you want
a low-key wedding.
- I have, and then she
pinched my arm
really hard and said,
"You're better than that."
- Wow, okay.
Well, uh, maybe try
to get her to focus
on a less significant
part of the wedding,
like flowers.
- Flowers are everything!
- Okay, well, something else.
I mean, getting married
is stressful.
Just make sure to focus
on what's important to you.
- Yeah.
Says the person who's never
had to plan a wedding.
- You got me there.
- Babe, you have to help me with
these wedding decisions, okay?
- Of course, boo, I got you.
We are in this together.
I'm just gonna have to take
a call in, like, five.
- All right, you two.
Let's do this.
Uh, Kelsey, did you get my
email about the dresses?
- Yes.
I am not wearing
a see-through wedding dress.
- Why?
- Because I don't
want my grandma
to see my Hello Kitty.
- There was beadwork.
- Okay, Lauren, if Kelsey
doesn't want her choach showing,
then it ain't showing.
End of discussion.
- I know, I know--
I'm pushing you guys.
But it's my job.
- It is?
- Yes.
And you're pushing back,
which I appreciate.
Together, we are gonna
grind out something beautiful.
All right?
I know it.
I just--
I need you guys to stay open
to this process, okay?
- Fine.
- Great.
Let's take a tour of the space,
after I introduce you
to your dream team.
Linda Chang, James Beard
Award-winning sommelier.
Tammy Anders, pastry chef.
She'll be in charge of curating
your venetian hour.
Matt Marks,
social media concierge.
He will ensure your special day
is documented
on Facebook, Twitter,
and Instagram.
He will also come up
with your hashtag.
- Don't we just
combine our names?
- Mm-hmm.
- We--we can do that.
- Oh, really?
Because you haven't.
Okay?
Matt also works with
this Foto Robot,
an interactive photo booth.
- Hello, Kelsey and Thad.
- Babe, got to jump on this.
- Can't we just hire
a human photographer?
- Hey, Lauren.
[falcon screaming]
- Lauren, I thought
we talked about this.
- I know, I know.
I just thought that if Jan
and Bonnie came here in person
that you might change your mind.
- I do not want a predator
flying around with
our rings in its mouth.
- Well, for your information,
she wears them in a little pouch
around her neck.
- No.
- Okay, I'd like Thad
to weigh in.
- Thad?
[falcon screaming]
- God damn it!
- That'd be a no
from Thad, too.
[lively music]
*
- Liza!
Over here!
- Hi.
- Hey.
Wow, everyone looks like
they're right out of college.
- Honestly, some of these people
are probably still in college.
It's so hard to get a job,
if you land a summer internship,
you just stay.
- My degree never
helped me get anything.
- Where'd you go?
- Um...Dartmouth.
- No.
When did you graduate?
- Uh, '08.
- So did I.
Marta--Marta Beem?
They used to call me
Deer Slayer,
'cause I sold venison steaks
out of my dorm.
- [laughs nervously]
- [laughs]
- That's not ringing a bell.
- No, I totally know you.
Did you play volleyball?
- Ski team.
- Yes.
Oh, my God, I remember you.
This is nuts.
You have to come to our
Dartmouth alumni group
next week.
- Hey, Sierra.
This is Liza.
She's new.
- Liza and I went
to Dartmouth together.
She works in publishing.
Sierra's killing it
at the hedge fund game
over at Onyx Capital.
- It is insane how much
money I make.
- Onyx Capital?
My, uh, my friend's
fiancé works over there.
Thad Weber.
- Thad is someone's fiancé?
Ugh, yikes.
- What do you mean "yikes"?
- I just met you, so I feel like
I shouldn't say anything,
but in the spirit
of helping women,
I feel like I should.
- You definitely should.
- If it's gonna help women.
- There's a rumor going around
that Thad is hooking up
with his assistant.
Apparently they do it in
the 30th floor bathrooms
every single day.
- Ugh.
Stall rabbits.
There's an infestation
at my work.
- Nobody's hooking up
at my work, and I'm, like,
totally DTF.
- Uh, Thad?
Are you sure?
- I mean, I haven't,
like, seen it.
But yes, I've heard from
some very reliable sources.
- I mean, he can be
a jerk sometimes,
but I rally don't think
he would do that to Kelsey.
- I'm not saying
he's a terrible guy.
It's just all
the portfolio managers
think that screwing
their assistant
is part of the job.
- Huh.
- You can barely ever
get a handicapped stall
after 3:00 p.m.
in that building.
- Ew.
- Damn.
- Okay, so we took your advice,
and I'm having Lauren
throw me an engagement party--
hopefully get all the crazy
out of her system.
- That's a great idea.
- Yeah, so it's Saturday night
at Barocco.
- Is, um, Thad excited about it?
- No.
He's a guy.
He doesn't care about
an engagement party.
He barely cares
we're having a wedding.
- What do you mean?
- I mean...
he cares, obviously,
but you know,
he just can't be bothered
by any of the prep.
- Well, does he have
an assistant
he wouldn't mind asking
for personal favors?
Like, wedding stuff?
- I think he shares an assistant
with a bunch of other guys.
But he does have
a lot of hot, single friends
who'll be at the party,
and there are benefits
to rebound sex.
Like confidence.
Come on, Josh is
with this hot, new,
Internet-famous girl,
and you've got to be
thinking about that.
- I am now.
- So get yours.
Temporary fixes are better
than no fixes at all.
- Are you really
giving me this advice?
- Yes.
Sometimes you got to
get under someone
to get over someone.
[lively music]
*
- Well, this is fun.
- Yeah, I'm so glad
we're doing this.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
How's work, sweetie?
- Oh, it's good, good.
Hectic.
I, uh...
You weren't asking me.
- I was not.
- [chuckles]
- It's going well.
Dad and I are holding
down the fort.
- Caitlin's a bit of a natural
with the cheek retractor.
Might be a dental school
in our future over here.
- Uh, I-I don't want
to spend my life
inside people's mouths.
No offense, Dad.
[accordion music]
- Ooh, Liza.
Look at this fella
over here.
Check him out.
- What?
- Ugh.
- On our honeymoon in Italy,
we were at this little
hole-in-the-wall restaurant.
Uh, and the waiters just
kept pouring the wine, and--
- And your dad kept drinking it.
- Well, I was being polite.
- Well, he got really "polite"
and decided to join
the accordion band.
- Join?
What do you mean, join?
- Well, they just--
they put a little hat on me,
and, uh, they gave me
an accordion.
- He took the accordion...
- Well--
- And started pumping away
like he was bringing it
back to life.
- Oh, my God.
Were you any good?
- No.
- No?
- He was terrible.
- Okay, I agree with that.
But when we got back to Jersey,
remember, I went to a pawn shop,
and I bought an accordion,
and I taught myself
to play a little.
- Ugh.
- No way.
Prove it.
- Hmm.
Okay, I will.
- Yeah?
Are you doing this?
- I don't think you should.
- Really?
- Mom, it's my birthday.
- Yeah, but this is not a gift.
- Oh, yeah?
- Believe me.
What are you doing?
- Can I just--can I just
use this for a second?
- David...
- Heavier than I remember.
- David...
- Oh, that's cool.
Can I get your hat, too?
Thanks.
I appreciate it.
- I apologize.
- [laughs]
[strums accordion]
- Oh!
[plays masterfully]
*
- [laughing]
*
- Yay!
- Bravo!
[applause]
- Thank you.
Thank you, everyone.
- Yeah!
[applause]
That's my dad.
- Whoo!
- I'm just saying,
no other parents dressed up
to take their kids
trick-or-treating.
- No other parents were
as creative as we were.
- [laughing]
Oh, okay.
- You remember the time
we dressed her up
as a little white tiger?
And then you and I went as--
who were those--
Siegfried and Roy.
- Yeah!
- Yes!
And every door we'd go to,
Mom would just hold me up
to her face and scream,
"Mantecore, no!"
Yeah, some people got it.
[laughter]
Oh, wow, uh, it's later
than I thought.
- [clears throat]
- Do you guys mind if I go?
I told Padma I'd meet her,
like, a half hour ago.
- Oh.
- Of course, go.
Get out of here.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- It's okay.
Happy birthday, baby.
- Muah.
- Be safe, please.
- Okay.
- All growed up.
Come here, you.
Love you--happy birthday.
- Thank you for dinner.
Really great time.
- Yeah.
Ugh, my God, it's crazy
how old she is.
- [laughing]
It's crazy how old we are.
- Doesn't seem to
have affected you.
You look great.
- Yeah, right.
- [sighs]
Oh man, I miss this, Liza--
us together as a family.
I know it's all my fault.
You don't have to say it.
- Oh, I wasn't gonna.
I was just gonna smile and nod.
- [chuckles]
- [clears throat]
- So I hear through
the grapevine
that you're, uh,
seeing somebody.
- [clears throat]
We broke up.
- Ha!
You dumped him already?
- He kind of dumped me.
- What?
Oh, the guy is clearly an idiot.
[clears throat]
Some more?
- Uh, a splash.
- [sighs]
I know you think
I'm a bad person, Liza,
but I'm not.
- Don't tell me
what I'm thinking.
You don't know me.
I've changed.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
In fact, some people
might say I'm a bad guy.
- Well, you do seem different.
Not bad, just--
I don't know,
sort of...cooler.
- Oh, yeah, well, I am cool.
You'd be surprised.
- Surprise me.
[chuckles]
- Another bottle?
- Mm-mmm.
- Yeah, please.
[upbeat music]
- Oh, you do not
have to walk me home.
- Well, I'm the one
with the umbrella,
plus you--you do not look
safe in those boots.
- What?
- When did you even start
wearing boots like that?
It's so hot.
- About the same time
I started wearing hot underwear
like this.
- Whoa, wait a second!
I want to see that.
Do that again.
- Yeah, you missed out
on this, baby.
Hey.
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I was--I was--
[energetic music]
[thunder crashing]
[dramatic music]
*
[thunder crashing]
- Ugh.
- What's the matter?
You have a bad dream?
- Ugh, I wish.
I drank too much at dinner,
and something horrible happened.
I had sex with my husband.
- My God.
I heard you clunking around.
I thought you were making food,
not slicing pie with David.
- Oh, gross, gross,
gross, gross.
Now he's gonna think we have
a shot at getting back together.
- Well, I can go sneak
into your room
and put my pointy knee
right into his ball sack.
He'll be hauling ass
back to New Jersey
before the sun comes up.
- [laughs]
Thank you.
- [chuckles]
- This is my mess.
Ugh, I'll deal with it...
in the morning.
[upbeat music]
*
- [laughing]
Oh, my God.
- He's not here.
Maybe it really
was a bad dream.
- Nah, it was real.
You had a one night stand
with your husband,
and he left you a note.
- Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
Ugh.
"That was fun."
Ugh.
- So something
a dentist would say
after a routine filling.
- Ew.
[scoffs]
I'm behaving like an actual
26-year-old:
having rebound sex.
- More like boomerang.
- And pining over
my ex-boyfriend.
I've re-read all of our texts.
I scroll through our photos
whenever I'm bored.
I can't keep doing this.
I'm not some emo teen
who just lost her virginity.
- No, you're
a 40-year-old mother.
- Yeah.
- And a 26-year-old
marketing assistant.
- Right.
- And a considerate roommate
who wouldn't mind
schlepping my sheets
to the Laundromat
on her way to work.
- On it.
- * You light me up inside
* And make me come alive
- * You know you
light me up inside *
* You know you turn me on
* You got me burnin' up *
* You got it goin' on *
* You in your zone,
don't slow it down *
- Hey, this party is amazing.
- But could you imagine
if it was my wedding?
My cousins with their
home-schooled children
eating sushi off of drag queens?
- No, this is not a place
for churchy cousins.
- Whoo.
All right, squad.
- Would you fancy a picture?
- [laughs]
- Okay.
- Cheers.
Long live the union of
Kelsey and Thad.
- Okay, you two should go get
in line for the Cava chandelier.
I have to go deal
with Lordy GuyGuy.
- Who?
- Lordy GuyGuy.
The best Gaga impersonator
in the city.
He even impersonates
her power trips.
If you'll excuse me...
[pop music]
- So where's Thad?
- Uh, brah-ing it up somewhere.
He's got all of his work friends
here to entertain.
- Is that, uh,
someone from work?
- Her?
Um, I don't know.
Maybe.
- Well, should we go meet her?
Chat her up?
Scare her off--whatever?
- What does that mean?
- Uh, just that it's Thad,
and you know, he's talking
to a pretty girl.
- Liza, this is my
engagement party.
You are not allowed
to insinuate
that my fiancé is
flirting with someone.
- [sighs]
Okay, you know what?
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I just--God, this breakup
is just really
messing with my head.
- Yeah, because that's
what breakups do.
You need some physical activity.
Get you out of your head.
Just say the word, okay?
Any guy in here in
an expensive suit
is looking for
a "smash and dash."
- Ha, well, actually,
I took care of that last night
with a married man.
Well, actually divorced.
- Oh, my God.
Divorced guys are so tragic.
Where did you meet him?
- At a restaurant.
He was playing the accordion.
- [gasps]
Oh, that sounds gross.
- It was really gross.
- Did sleeping with him at least
help the Josh situation?
- It made me realize that
I want to focus on work,
and not guys and relationships
for a while.
- Ah.
Big belly, small dick?
- You know what?
You can be the one
to focus on relationships,
because you're getting married.
It's a really big deal.
I'll carry the ball
for a while.
- Okay, I'm gonna
let you focus on work,
but if you change your mind,
my uncle George plays bagpipe
in a Celtic rock band.
- Ooh, tempting.
*
- * Oh, oh, we
started a war *
* There's no
turning back *
- * There's no
turning back *
- * Till we
come down *
*
[phone chimes]
* Till we
come down *
- Oh, my gosh.
I just have to say,
this is the best party
I have ever thrown.
- Good.
Enjoy it.
- Yes!
Wait until the wedding.
- You're not doing the wedding.
- What?
- I'm sorry, Lauren.
I love you,
but my wedding is
going to be what I want.
- Right, and I assumed
you wanted something awesome.
- I want something quiet
in a church--
somewhere I can
bring my parents,
something where the sushi
is stationary,
and my dress won't
be see-through.
It'll be white...
- [gasps]
- Ish.
- No!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You can't do that!
- I'm sorry, Lauren.
Throw a lunatic parade
of a wedding
when you get married.
- [gasps]
Fine, you know what?
I will.
- Good.
And I will be right there
with you the whole time.
- Thank you.
That is really sweet.
I tried to hijack your wedding,
didn't I?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
I am--
I am so sorry.
No more over-the-top
suggestions, all right?
I promise.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
At least consider the falcon.
- Welcome, everybody.
I'm gonna make this short.
My Kelsey.
You--you know that you are like
another daughter to me.
And I love you dearly.
And I wish you only good things.
- She's like a daughter
to both of us.
- Yes, she is.
- May your marriage be filled
with as much happiness
and hot sex as ours.
Mazel tov, everybody!
[cheers]
She's an animal, this woman!
An animal!
All right.
- Cheers, guys.
- Are we done--it's over?
- You mind if I, uh--
you mind if I do one, guys?
- Give him the mic.
Hey, hey, give him the mic.
[cheering]
Here.
- What's up?
So, uh, I know
we're all here to
"cheers" the happy couple,
but, um,
I got to raise the glass
to my boy.
Thaddeus!
- Whoo-whoo!
- Onyx Capital forever!
[cheering and light applause]
I love you.
I love you, Thaddy.
- Thank you, thank you, Tim.
Dude, come on.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- One last thing, you guys.
Kelsey and Thad,
to your love.
May it be wild, beautiful,
dangerous, and majestic.
Swoop, Bonnie!
Swoop!
[guests murmuring]
Come--come on, Bonnie.
Get down here on my glove, Bon.
Bonnie, go.
Bonnie!
I'll be right back.
[microphone clatters]
[energetic music]
- * Tick, tock, tick, tock
[phone chimes]
* Take your places
*
* We're gonna rain tonight *
*
* I got you hypnotized
* I'm gonna make you mine *
- Either you tell her,
or I will.
- * I got you hypnotized
[confetti bangs]
[cheers]
*