Younger (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - Hot Mitzvah - full transcript
Liza learns of a potential new career option while Lauren throws the outlandish bat mitzvah she never got to have. Kelsey deals with the fall-out from her affair.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
¶ just like i should, should, should ¶
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
That's the watch i'm gonna buy thad.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
It's exactly what he wants.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
This feels like a guilt gift.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
You might as well get it engraved
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
With a sketch of bjornberg's penis.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
Thad never found out about bjornberg,
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
And there's certainly no point in telling him now.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
I mean, why would i want to hurt him like that?
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
I don't know,
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
That thing about how honesty in a relationship creates intimacy?
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
One woman's honesty is another woman's over sharing.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
Fine.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
I'm just saying expensive jewelry
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
Doesn't excuse an affair.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
And in the end, after all the tears and the fights,
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
You know what you're left with?
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
Bad credit and a piece of jewelry
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
With almost no resale value
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
That reminds you of someone you hate.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
[phone buzzes]
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
(lauren) where are you skanks?
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
We're on our way, you ho.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
Why do you talk to each other like that?
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
[scoffs] is that liza?
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
Uh, yeah.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
Okay, tell that hooker to stop talking
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
And start walking.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
Okay.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
Slut-bag.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
I ordered you bibimbap.
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
- Mm, yes. - Oh, god, what's bibimbap?
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
Oh, it's korean. You're gonna love it.
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
Yeah, it's the second best korean thing
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
I've ever had in my mouth.
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
Hey, so i've been trying to send you an invite,
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
And it keeps bouncing back,
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
So i googled you, and nothing.
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
Liza, you're like a ghost on the internet.
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
Oh, yeah, um,
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
I like to-- i like to keep a low profile.
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
Uh, a low profile?
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
Yeah, never say that to a publicist.
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
- No. - What's the invite?
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
I'm having a hot mitzvah.
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
- A what? - Just watch.
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
That's why 13 years later,
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
I am throwing a hot mitzvah.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
[laughs]
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
(lauren) you're invited, so you must be hot.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Is that a star of david bikini top?
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Yes!
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
I crocheted it out of two yarmulkes.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Chic.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Bring josh and craigslist maggie.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Tell that owl i want her to come.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Owl?
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Older wise lesbian.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Hoot hoosh.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
[woman vocalizing, upbeat music]
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
¶ ¶
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
New tricks.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
As you can see, we're ready. We've got the stand-ups,
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
The wall hangers, the amazon banner,
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
The kindle banner, the nook banner.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Liza?
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Social media is hyped from facebook to book riot--
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Goodreads, too.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
So my department is ready to go.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
All we need now is the book.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Kelsey.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Well, the good news is the draft is finally in.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
The bad news is it's a mess.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
She uses the word "man root" 12 times in one chapter.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
So i'm out to all the top book doctors,
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
And i'm just trying to figure out who's the best fit.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Well, i suggest you pick one soon,
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Or we'll have to push the pub date.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
No, that won't happen.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Good.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Then i think we're done.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
Yeah, a book doctor for megyn vernoff.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
Half of my regulars are busy competing
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
For the kardashian rewrite.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
Where do you even find a book doctor, anyway?
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
Most of them are stay-at-home moms with ivy league degrees.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
I mean, some of them had really promising careers.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
They just gave up to have kids,
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
And now they're so far off track, they do anything.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
They don't even care about the credit.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
Another reason why we can never stop working.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
You know, i've done some creative writing.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
And i edited the dartmouth literary journal.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
Maybe i could give the vernoff book a try.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
Seriously?
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
You want to write about the sex life of a woman in her 40s?
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
I'm sure i can suppress my gag reflex
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
If i'm getting paid enough.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
That came out wrong.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
But i could use the money.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
Well, that's a good reason.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
See what you can do with chapter one.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
I could have been doing this for years.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Well, there was, like, an entire decade
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Where you were in a pta fugue.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
[cell phone chimes]
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
(maggie) josh?
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Yeah, but i'm not getting distracted.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
This is a big opportunity for me.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Oh, really? What's the book?
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
It's called new tricks.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
And it's about a woman's sexual reawakening in her 40s.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
So you're a 40-year-old pretending to be a 26-year-old
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Who's pretending to write in the voice of a 40-year-old?
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Stop it. My head's exploding.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
(woman) ¶ you don't get me ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ you don't understand my way ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ it's too foreign ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ i don't mind ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ same as any other day ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ hey ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ hey ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ you don't see me ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ no, you look right through my face ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ and when we're talkin' ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ i don't mind ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ 'cause i'm in another place ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ hey ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ what you gonna do when you get lonely? ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ what you gonna make in outer space? ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ when the air's not clear to see the only thing ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ the insight gravity can bring ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ is knowing what you needed all along ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ was a little love ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
- Good morning. - Good morning.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
You're getting your own coffee?
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
I like to keep my life skills sharp.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
You know, in case there's another sandy.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
- Good morning. - Good morning.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Hey, i sent you that chapter.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
I know. I read it.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
And?
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
You nailed it.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Really?
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Yes.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
That whole passage where she's trying to hide her stretch marks
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
From her boyfriend,
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
You must have done your research.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Yeah, it's just a writerly imagination.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
And is it true that older women really pee a little
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Every time they sneeze?
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Once you've shot a baby out--
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
At least, that's what i hear.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
[scoffs]
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Well, i've got to tell you, liza,
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
I've hired a lot of book doctors,
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
You're good at it.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
You really liked it?
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Yes.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
And that's why i gave it to charles.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Seriously?
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Yes.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
And you are seriously welcome.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
(charles) liza.
Oh, hi.
(charles) liza.
I just read your chapter.
(charles) liza.
That's good.
(charles) liza.
Your hr file says you're 26,
(charles) liza.
But you write like a 40-year-old.
(charles) liza.
There's something you want to tell me?
(charles) liza.
Uh...
(charles) liza.
No.
(charles) liza.
Come see me in my office.
Liza, all this time, i thought you were
Just another struggling assistant.
Liza, all this time, i thought you were
But you've had a secret all along, haven't you?
Liza, all this time, i thought you were
Well, um...
And now i think i know your secret.
Well, um...
You're a writer.
Yeah. I'm a writer.
You're a writer.
Just--i'm a writer.
You're a writer.
Guilty. Throw the book at me.
You're a writer.
Terrible pun. I apologize.
You're a writer.
Your chapter sample was so impressive.
You're a writer.
Obviously, you're good enough to rewrite megyn vernoff.
You're a writer.
Really?
You're a writer.
Thank you.
You're a writer.
But book doctoring isn't really about writing.
You're a writer.
It isn't?
You're a writer.
No, it's more about egos
You're a writer.
And that elusive thing that they call "chemistry."
You're a writer.
Oh.
You're a writer.
Which i think you will excel at.
You're a writer.
Oh, good.
You're a writer.
You are an easy person to meet,
You're a writer.
To work with,
You're a writer.
To, um...
You're a writer.
Be with.
You're a writer.
At least, i think so.
You're a writer.
Thank you.
You're a writer.
I will set up a meeting for you and megyn.
You're a writer.
If the two of you click,
You're a writer.
The rewrite's yours.
You're a writer.
What were you doing in charles' office?
Uh.
What were you doing in charles' office?
Honestly,
What were you doing in charles' office?
I was throwing my hat in the ring
What were you doing in charles' office?
For that megyn vernoff book doctoring gig
What were you doing in charles' office?
As a side thing.
What were you doing in charles' office?
I was very ambitious at your age too.
But a word to the wise.
I was very ambitious at your age too.
Climbing too quickly is dangerous.
I was very ambitious at your age too.
You might find you don't have the right equipment
I was very ambitious at your age too.
At altitude,
I was very ambitious at your age too.
And your friends won't be there to help you.
I was very ambitious at your age too.
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
I've got to admit, i'm pretty excited.
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
So what's it about?
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
It's about this woman
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
Who's been sexually shut down
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
'cause she's been in a dead marriage.
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
And she has this kind of awakening.
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
What awakens her?
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
She has an affair with her son's karate teacher.
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
[gasps]
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
[laughs]
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
And how exactly does he awaken her?
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
- You want me to tell you? - Yeah.
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
Okay.
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
When he first kisses her,
He kisses her very, very softly.
When he first kisses her,
Not like it's a bore,
More like she's a dessert,
Not like it's a bore,
And he wants to savor every mouthful of her.
Not like it's a bore,
Then what happens?
Not like it's a bore,
Then he lays her down on his bed
Not like it's a bore,
And tells her not to move.
Not like it's a bore,
She has to stay absolutely still
Not like it's a bore,
While he kisses every centimeter of her body
Not like it's a bore,
From the top of her head to the tips of her toes.
Not like it's a bore,
Do they ever take a bath?
They could.
Do they ever take a bath?
I could write that passage.
Do they ever take a bath?
What'd happen?
Do they ever take a bath?
Mm.
Do they ever take a bath?
Maybe she would look at his body
Do they ever take a bath?
In the glistening water,
Do they ever take a bath?
And the water would be warm and slippery.
Do they ever take a bath?
And then maybe she would take his...
Do they ever take a bath?
[door clicks open]
Do they ever take a bath?
(man) sorry, guys.
Do they ever take a bath?
I think i left my--yeah, here's my phone right here.
Do they ever take a bath?
Uh, hi, liza.
Do they ever take a bath?
Yeah, i found it. I didn't see anything.
Do they ever take a bath?
I hate him.
Do they ever take a bath?
[laughs]
Do they ever take a bath?
(woman) ¶ together, we can change the world ¶
Do they ever take a bath?
(woman) ¶ change the world ¶
Do they ever take a bath?
¶ together, we can change the world ¶
Do they ever take a bath?
Simon, you're not riding your bike alone to queens.
Do they ever take a bath?
Do you hear me?
Do they ever take a bath?
Why?
Do they ever take a bath?
Because you are 11 and white enough to be thrown into a van.
Do they ever take a bath?
This is end of story.
Do they ever take a bath?
I am hanging up.
Do they ever take a bath?
I'm hanging up.
Do they ever take a bath?
I'm han--
Do they ever take a bath?
Little shit.
Do they ever take a bath?
Are you liza?
Do they ever take a bath?
Yes, megyn, hi. It's so nice to meet you.
Do they ever take a bath?
What'd you hate about my book?
Do they ever take a bath?
Oh, no. I didn't hate anything.
Do they ever take a bath?
I just think there could be more of everything.
Do they ever take a bath?
Like what? More what?
Do they ever take a bath?
Um, okay, for example,
Do they ever take a bath?
When mindy first has sex with joey,
Do they ever take a bath?
"he bangs her hard in the dark closet behind the dojo."
Do they ever take a bath?
Mm-hmm, right.
Do they ever take a bath?
Maybe that could be a little more romantic.
Do they ever take a bath?
Like, how?
Do they ever take a bath?
Maybe they could actually see each other.
Do they ever take a bath?
Right.
Do they ever take a bath?
Once you've had three kids,
Do they ever take a bath?
Your stomach's like a deflated basketball.
Do they ever take a bath?
So mm-mm.
Do they ever take a bath?
[scoffs]
Do they ever take a bath?
Everything on this menu is kale.
Do they ever take a bath?
Maybe joey doesn't mind mindy's flaws.
Do they ever take a bath?
Maybe they're impressive,
Do they ever take a bath?
Like battle scars.
Do they ever take a bath?
Are you serious?
Do they ever take a bath?
How old are you?
Do they ever take a bath?
26, 27?
Do they ever take a bath?
Around there.
Do they ever take a bath?
Well, most of my readers are over 40,
Do they ever take a bath?
And, believe me, the whole game changes.
Do they ever take a bath?
You have no idea
Do they ever take a bath?
What it's like after you have kids.
Do they ever take a bath?
I can imagine.
Do they ever take a bath?
Oh, yeah?
Do they ever take a bath?
What can you imagine?
Do they ever take a bath?
I imagine that giving birth doesn't feel like a miracle.
Do they ever take a bath?
It feels more like--like you've been in a car accident.
Do they ever take a bath?
Your whole body hurts for weeks.
Do they ever take a bath?
And then you start nursing,
Do they ever take a bath?
And you feel like a dairy production animal,
Do they ever take a bath?
Especially if you pump.
Do they ever take a bath?
And you're so tired,
Do they ever take a bath?
And you get these little white bumps on the back of your arms,
Do they ever take a bath?
And every shirt you own is stained,
Do they ever take a bath?
And your husband looks at you like,
Do they ever take a bath?
"oh, my god, what happened?"
Do they ever take a bath?
And the last thing you can think about is having sex.
Do they ever take a bath?
It's like you're never going to find
Do they ever take a bath?
That part of yourself again.
Do they ever take a bath?
Okay, keep going.
Okay.
Okay, keep going.
Pinot grigio.
Okay, keep going.
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
¶ she got it now, now ¶
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
¶ she got it now ¶
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
She hated you.
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
What?
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
Yeah, it's that chemistry thing, so don't take it personally.
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
I really thought we connected.
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
Maybe you did.
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
But she didn't feel like you could realistically
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
Get into the head of a woman in her 40s.
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
What are you gonna do?
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
You're-- you're just too young.
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
[sighs]
(diana) it was so nice to meet you, hayley.
[sighs]
(hayley) diana, thank you so much for your time.
[sighs]
I will hold on to your resume.
[sighs]
Oh, that's a friend of mine's daughter.
She just graduated from harvard.
Oh, that's a friend of mine's daughter.
There are so many of you out there.
Oh, that's a friend of mine's daughter.
The thing that we love most about our laura
Is that she never gives up.
The thing that we love most about our laura
- No, no, never. - Never.
The thing that we love most about our laura
She is the master of the encore.
The thing that we love most about our laura
- Mm-hmm. - Right?
The thing that we love most about our laura
Her second try at the sats...
The thing that we love most about our laura
Second time she went to college.
The thing that we love most about our laura
Her second nose job.
The thing that we love most about our laura
[laughs]
The thing that we love most about our laura
Well, no, as plain as the nose on her face.
The thing that we love most about our laura
What we're saying--
The thing that we love most about our laura
So i don't see a watch on thad.
The thing that we love most about our laura
I know. I thought about what you said.
The thing that we love most about our laura
And, um, you're right. It's a dead giveaway.
The thing that we love most about our laura
We'd now like to bring to bima
The thing that we love most about our laura
The star in all of our lives,
The thing that we love most about our laura
Our daughter, the beautiful lauren tovah heller.
The thing that we love most about our laura
[cheers and applause]
The thing that we love most about our laura
(man) we're so proud of you.
Who's ready to worship?
(man) we're so proud of you.
Uh, my torah portion today tells the story
(man) we're so proud of you.
Of jacob, son of isaac and rebecca.
(man) we're so proud of you.
Jacob lied to his father,
(man) we're so proud of you.
Pretending to be his brother
(man) we're so proud of you.
In order to unfairly win their father's blessing.
(man) we're so proud of you.
Wait, that's in the torah?
(man) we're so proud of you.
I could have sworn that's an episode of game of thrones.
(man) we're so proud of you.
Today,
(man) we're so proud of you.
I am the older, serving my younger self,
(man) we're so proud of you.
Bearing my honest feelings with all of you.
(man) we're so proud of you.
Because being honest with the people we love
(man) we're so proud of you.
Is what today is really all about.
(man) we're so proud of you.
Yes, at my first bat mitzvah,
(man) we're so proud of you.
I didn't have the nerve to kiss the person that i wanted.
(man) we're so proud of you.
But tonight, i'm hot, and i'm kissing who i want.
(man) we're so proud of you.
Shabbat shalom!
(man) we're so proud of you.
- Shabbat shalom. - Shabbat shalom.
(man) we're so proud of you.
(man) yo, yo, yo. What's up?
(man) we're so proud of you.
I'm k-run aka "your mama's sperm bank."
(man) we're so proud of you.
And i'm your emcee/panty-dropper for the night.
(man) we're so proud of you.
Uh, yeah.
(man) we're so proud of you.
¶ i'm adoring lauren heller ¶
(man) we're so proud of you.
¶ she's hella hot ¶
(man) we're so proud of you.
¶ but at 13, she was most def not ¶
(man) we're so proud of you.
¶ skinny with pimples, getting dissed by the cutie ¶
(man) we're so proud of you.
¶ now look who's got a good job and a small booty ¶
(man) we're so proud of you.
¶ yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh ¶
(man) we're so proud of you.
¶ uh ¶
(man) we're so proud of you.
¶ ¶
(man) we're so proud of you.
¶ uh-huh, uh-huh ¶
(man) we're so proud of you.
¶ come on, let's see it, ken and barbie ¶
(man) we're so proud of you.
Not gonna happen, bro.
Oh, something's gonna happen, huh?
Not gonna happen, bro.
Come on. A little robot, huh?
Not gonna happen, bro.
Come on, girl.
Not gonna happen, bro.
Huh, what? Come on. Show me some love.
Not gonna happen, bro.
(lauren) okay, you two. Come with me, you two.
Not gonna happen, bro.
- Now what? - It's going to be fine.
Not gonna happen, bro.
Liza, josh, hi. Your presence is required.
Not gonna happen, bro.
Come. Come this way.
Not gonna happen, bro.
- Maggie. - Hi.
Not gonna happen, bro.
- Hi. - Hey.
Not gonna happen, bro.
- Come with me. - Okay.
Not gonna happen, bro.
Please arrange yourselves.
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
I wanted to make a special toast.
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
Thank you for coming tonight.
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
I know that i can be kind of out there sometimes,
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
But all of you guys accept me and support me,
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
And that just-- it means everything.
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
To my friends.
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
L'chaim, bitches!
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
[all cheer]
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
(woman) [auto-tuned] ¶ so high ¶
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
¶ i'm--i'm--i'm so high ¶
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
Oh, my god. This is horrible.
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
What is that?
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
That's my special hot mitzvah shooter,
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
Manischewitz and molly.
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
What?
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
You are crazy.
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
Oh, we are so not golfing with your parents tomorrow.
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
What are they talking about? What's molly?
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
Mdma. Pure ecstasy.
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
What?
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
Best hot mitzvah ever!
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
Whoo!
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
¶ she like it ¶
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
How do you know if you're rolling?
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
How are you feeling?
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
Like every hair on my body is happy.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
And i'm wrapped in a warm blanket of music.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
You're definitely rolling.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
Hey, you guys want some water?
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
- Oh, my god, yes. - Oh, god.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
Oh, god.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
Okay.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
[distorted] thank you.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
You look wonderful.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
[laughs]
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
I'm gonna start wearing, like, big gold belts.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
That is, like, the best you have ever had.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
I thought i could never be with you.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
We should just, like, talk all night.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
Yes.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
There. There. I did it.
I finally got to kiss the person i wanted to.
There. There. I did it.
[giggles] okay.
There. There. I did it.
Uh, yeah.
There. There. I did it.
Uh, i-i-i'll talk to you.
There. There. I did it.
Definitely.
There. There. I did it.
Wow.
There. There. I did it.
(woman) ¶ oh, he's so enticed by the way i'm moving ¶
There. There. I did it.
I don't say this enough,
There. There. I did it.
But you're the best boyfriend.
There. There. I did it.
You're the best girlfriend.
There. There. I did it.
- Really? - Yeah.
There. There. I did it.
That's why i got you this.
There. There. I did it.
What?
There. There. I did it.
Yeah, i was gonna give it to you later,
There. There. I did it.
But i can't wait.
There. There. I did it.
Oh, my god.
There. There. I did it.
It's the most beautiful thing i have ever seen.
There. There. I did it.
Yeah?
There. There. I did it.
[gasps]
There. There. I did it.
Yeah.
There. There. I did it.
Wait a minute.
There. There. I did it.
You're not giving me this for no reason.
There. There. I did it.
[sighs]
There. There. I did it.
Babe--
There. There. I did it.
You're, like-- it's like--
There. There. I did it.
Um, i went to a strip club with some of the guys from work.
There. There. I did it.
And i got a lap dance and went a little too far.
There. There. I did it.
[laughs]
You know what,
I bought you a watch,
You know what,
A really expensive watch.
You know what,
Are you saying what i think you're saying?
You know what,
I'm saying, i think it would a lot cheaper for both of us
You know what,
If we were just monogamous.
You know what,
All right.
You know what,
We have a deal?
You know what,
Yes.
You know what,
- [laughs] - we have a deal.
You know what,
[ hava nagila plays]
You know what,
¶ ¶
You know what,
Oh, my god. I love you.
I love you too.
Oh, my god. I love you.
[people cheering]
Oh, my god. I love you.
Hey, i mean it.
You do?
Hey, i mean it.
Yeah.
Hey, i mean it.
I mean, you--you're smart,
Hey, i mean it.
And you're beautiful,
Hey, i mean it.
And i love how you're just game for anything.
Hey, i mean it.
I love how i feel when i'm around you.
Hey, i mean it.
I love you.
Hey, i mean it.
I love you.
Hey, i mean it.
I love you too, josh.
Hey, i mean it.
That's why i have to tell you this.
I'm a 40-year-old mom from new jersey.
[laughs] i totally know how you feel.
I'm a 40-year-old mom from new jersey.
Sometimes i feel like i'm a 90-year-old fisherman in japan.
I'm a 40-year-old mom from new jersey.
No, i mean it. I mean it.
I'm a 40-year-old mom from new jersey.
I'm not in my 20s. I really am 40.
I'm a 40-year-old mom from new jersey.
[people cheering]
(both) liza, get in here!
[people cheering]
Oh!
[people cheering]
[laughter]
[people cheering]
[people cheering]
[people cheering]
¶ just like i should, should, should ¶
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
That's the watch i'm gonna buy thad.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
It's exactly what he wants.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
This feels like a guilt gift.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
You might as well get it engraved
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
With a sketch of bjornberg's penis.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
Thad never found out about bjornberg,
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
And there's certainly no point in telling him now.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
I mean, why would i want to hurt him like that?
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
I don't know,
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
That thing about how honesty in a relationship creates intimacy?
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
One woman's honesty is another woman's over sharing.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
Fine.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
I'm just saying expensive jewelry
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
Doesn't excuse an affair.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
And in the end, after all the tears and the fights,
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
You know what you're left with?
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
Bad credit and a piece of jewelry
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
With almost no resale value
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
That reminds you of someone you hate.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
[phone buzzes]
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
(lauren) where are you skanks?
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
We're on our way, you ho.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
Why do you talk to each other like that?
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
[scoffs] is that liza?
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
Uh, yeah.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
Okay, tell that hooker to stop talking
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
And start walking.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
Okay.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
Slut-bag.
(man) ¶ i feel all right ¶
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
I ordered you bibimbap.
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
- Mm, yes. - Oh, god, what's bibimbap?
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
Oh, it's korean. You're gonna love it.
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
Yeah, it's the second best korean thing
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
I've ever had in my mouth.
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
Hey, so i've been trying to send you an invite,
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
And it keeps bouncing back,
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
So i googled you, and nothing.
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
Liza, you're like a ghost on the internet.
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
Oh, yeah, um,
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
I like to-- i like to keep a low profile.
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
Uh, a low profile?
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
Yeah, never say that to a publicist.
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
- No. - What's the invite?
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
I'm having a hot mitzvah.
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
- A what? - Just watch.
(lauren) [squeals] finally. Sit.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
That's why 13 years later,
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
I am throwing a hot mitzvah.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
[laughs]
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
(lauren) you're invited, so you must be hot.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Is that a star of david bikini top?
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Yes!
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
I crocheted it out of two yarmulkes.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Chic.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Bring josh and craigslist maggie.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Tell that owl i want her to come.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Owl?
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Older wise lesbian.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Hoot hoosh.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
[woman vocalizing, upbeat music]
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
¶ ¶
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
New tricks.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
As you can see, we're ready. We've got the stand-ups,
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
The wall hangers, the amazon banner,
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
The kindle banner, the nook banner.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Liza?
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Social media is hyped from facebook to book riot--
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Goodreads, too.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
So my department is ready to go.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
All we need now is the book.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Kelsey.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Well, the good news is the draft is finally in.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
The bad news is it's a mess.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
She uses the word "man root" 12 times in one chapter.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
So i'm out to all the top book doctors,
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
And i'm just trying to figure out who's the best fit.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Well, i suggest you pick one soon,
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Or we'll have to push the pub date.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
No, that won't happen.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Good.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Then i think we're done.
(lauren) at my bat mitzvah, i hated how i looked.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
Yeah, a book doctor for megyn vernoff.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
Half of my regulars are busy competing
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
For the kardashian rewrite.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
Where do you even find a book doctor, anyway?
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
Most of them are stay-at-home moms with ivy league degrees.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
I mean, some of them had really promising careers.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
They just gave up to have kids,
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
And now they're so far off track, they do anything.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
They don't even care about the credit.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
Another reason why we can never stop working.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
You know, i've done some creative writing.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
And i edited the dartmouth literary journal.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
Maybe i could give the vernoff book a try.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
Seriously?
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
You want to write about the sex life of a woman in her 40s?
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
I'm sure i can suppress my gag reflex
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
If i'm getting paid enough.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
That came out wrong.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
But i could use the money.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
Well, that's a good reason.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
See what you can do with chapter one.
Hey, i'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
I could have been doing this for years.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Well, there was, like, an entire decade
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Where you were in a pta fugue.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
[cell phone chimes]
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
(maggie) josh?
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Yeah, but i'm not getting distracted.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
This is a big opportunity for me.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Oh, really? What's the book?
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
It's called new tricks.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
And it's about a woman's sexual reawakening in her 40s.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
So you're a 40-year-old pretending to be a 26-year-old
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Who's pretending to write in the voice of a 40-year-old?
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Stop it. My head's exploding.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
(woman) ¶ you don't get me ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ you don't understand my way ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ it's too foreign ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ i don't mind ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ same as any other day ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ hey ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ hey ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ you don't see me ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ no, you look right through my face ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ and when we're talkin' ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ i don't mind ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ 'cause i'm in another place ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ hey ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ what you gonna do when you get lonely? ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ what you gonna make in outer space? ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ when the air's not clear to see the only thing ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ the insight gravity can bring ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ is knowing what you needed all along ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
¶ was a little love ¶
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
- Good morning. - Good morning.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
You're getting your own coffee?
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
I like to keep my life skills sharp.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
You know, in case there's another sandy.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
- Good morning. - Good morning.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Hey, i sent you that chapter.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
I know. I read it.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
And?
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
You nailed it.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Really?
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Yes.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
That whole passage where she's trying to hide her stretch marks
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
From her boyfriend,
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
You must have done your research.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Yeah, it's just a writerly imagination.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
And is it true that older women really pee a little
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Every time they sneeze?
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Once you've shot a baby out--
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
At least, that's what i hear.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
[scoffs]
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Well, i've got to tell you, liza,
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
I've hired a lot of book doctors,
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
You're good at it.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
You really liked it?
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Yes.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
And that's why i gave it to charles.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Seriously?
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
Yes.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
And you are seriously welcome.
How did i miss the memo on book doctors?
(charles) liza.
Oh, hi.
(charles) liza.
I just read your chapter.
(charles) liza.
That's good.
(charles) liza.
Your hr file says you're 26,
(charles) liza.
But you write like a 40-year-old.
(charles) liza.
There's something you want to tell me?
(charles) liza.
Uh...
(charles) liza.
No.
(charles) liza.
Come see me in my office.
Liza, all this time, i thought you were
Just another struggling assistant.
Liza, all this time, i thought you were
But you've had a secret all along, haven't you?
Liza, all this time, i thought you were
Well, um...
And now i think i know your secret.
Well, um...
You're a writer.
Yeah. I'm a writer.
You're a writer.
Just--i'm a writer.
You're a writer.
Guilty. Throw the book at me.
You're a writer.
Terrible pun. I apologize.
You're a writer.
Your chapter sample was so impressive.
You're a writer.
Obviously, you're good enough to rewrite megyn vernoff.
You're a writer.
Really?
You're a writer.
Thank you.
You're a writer.
But book doctoring isn't really about writing.
You're a writer.
It isn't?
You're a writer.
No, it's more about egos
You're a writer.
And that elusive thing that they call "chemistry."
You're a writer.
Oh.
You're a writer.
Which i think you will excel at.
You're a writer.
Oh, good.
You're a writer.
You are an easy person to meet,
You're a writer.
To work with,
You're a writer.
To, um...
You're a writer.
Be with.
You're a writer.
At least, i think so.
You're a writer.
Thank you.
You're a writer.
I will set up a meeting for you and megyn.
You're a writer.
If the two of you click,
You're a writer.
The rewrite's yours.
You're a writer.
What were you doing in charles' office?
Uh.
What were you doing in charles' office?
Honestly,
What were you doing in charles' office?
I was throwing my hat in the ring
What were you doing in charles' office?
For that megyn vernoff book doctoring gig
What were you doing in charles' office?
As a side thing.
What were you doing in charles' office?
I was very ambitious at your age too.
But a word to the wise.
I was very ambitious at your age too.
Climbing too quickly is dangerous.
I was very ambitious at your age too.
You might find you don't have the right equipment
I was very ambitious at your age too.
At altitude,
I was very ambitious at your age too.
And your friends won't be there to help you.
I was very ambitious at your age too.
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
I've got to admit, i'm pretty excited.
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
So what's it about?
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
It's about this woman
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
Who's been sexually shut down
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
'cause she's been in a dead marriage.
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
And she has this kind of awakening.
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
What awakens her?
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
She has an affair with her son's karate teacher.
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
[gasps]
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
[laughs]
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
And how exactly does he awaken her?
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
- You want me to tell you? - Yeah.
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
Okay.
(josh) here's to your first professional writing assignment.
When he first kisses her,
He kisses her very, very softly.
When he first kisses her,
Not like it's a bore,
More like she's a dessert,
Not like it's a bore,
And he wants to savor every mouthful of her.
Not like it's a bore,
Then what happens?
Not like it's a bore,
Then he lays her down on his bed
Not like it's a bore,
And tells her not to move.
Not like it's a bore,
She has to stay absolutely still
Not like it's a bore,
While he kisses every centimeter of her body
Not like it's a bore,
From the top of her head to the tips of her toes.
Not like it's a bore,
Do they ever take a bath?
They could.
Do they ever take a bath?
I could write that passage.
Do they ever take a bath?
What'd happen?
Do they ever take a bath?
Mm.
Do they ever take a bath?
Maybe she would look at his body
Do they ever take a bath?
In the glistening water,
Do they ever take a bath?
And the water would be warm and slippery.
Do they ever take a bath?
And then maybe she would take his...
Do they ever take a bath?
[door clicks open]
Do they ever take a bath?
(man) sorry, guys.
Do they ever take a bath?
I think i left my--yeah, here's my phone right here.
Do they ever take a bath?
Uh, hi, liza.
Do they ever take a bath?
Yeah, i found it. I didn't see anything.
Do they ever take a bath?
I hate him.
Do they ever take a bath?
[laughs]
Do they ever take a bath?
(woman) ¶ together, we can change the world ¶
Do they ever take a bath?
(woman) ¶ change the world ¶
Do they ever take a bath?
¶ together, we can change the world ¶
Do they ever take a bath?
Simon, you're not riding your bike alone to queens.
Do they ever take a bath?
Do you hear me?
Do they ever take a bath?
Why?
Do they ever take a bath?
Because you are 11 and white enough to be thrown into a van.
Do they ever take a bath?
This is end of story.
Do they ever take a bath?
I am hanging up.
Do they ever take a bath?
I'm hanging up.
Do they ever take a bath?
I'm han--
Do they ever take a bath?
Little shit.
Do they ever take a bath?
Are you liza?
Do they ever take a bath?
Yes, megyn, hi. It's so nice to meet you.
Do they ever take a bath?
What'd you hate about my book?
Do they ever take a bath?
Oh, no. I didn't hate anything.
Do they ever take a bath?
I just think there could be more of everything.
Do they ever take a bath?
Like what? More what?
Do they ever take a bath?
Um, okay, for example,
Do they ever take a bath?
When mindy first has sex with joey,
Do they ever take a bath?
"he bangs her hard in the dark closet behind the dojo."
Do they ever take a bath?
Mm-hmm, right.
Do they ever take a bath?
Maybe that could be a little more romantic.
Do they ever take a bath?
Like, how?
Do they ever take a bath?
Maybe they could actually see each other.
Do they ever take a bath?
Right.
Do they ever take a bath?
Once you've had three kids,
Do they ever take a bath?
Your stomach's like a deflated basketball.
Do they ever take a bath?
So mm-mm.
Do they ever take a bath?
[scoffs]
Do they ever take a bath?
Everything on this menu is kale.
Do they ever take a bath?
Maybe joey doesn't mind mindy's flaws.
Do they ever take a bath?
Maybe they're impressive,
Do they ever take a bath?
Like battle scars.
Do they ever take a bath?
Are you serious?
Do they ever take a bath?
How old are you?
Do they ever take a bath?
26, 27?
Do they ever take a bath?
Around there.
Do they ever take a bath?
Well, most of my readers are over 40,
Do they ever take a bath?
And, believe me, the whole game changes.
Do they ever take a bath?
You have no idea
Do they ever take a bath?
What it's like after you have kids.
Do they ever take a bath?
I can imagine.
Do they ever take a bath?
Oh, yeah?
Do they ever take a bath?
What can you imagine?
Do they ever take a bath?
I imagine that giving birth doesn't feel like a miracle.
Do they ever take a bath?
It feels more like--like you've been in a car accident.
Do they ever take a bath?
Your whole body hurts for weeks.
Do they ever take a bath?
And then you start nursing,
Do they ever take a bath?
And you feel like a dairy production animal,
Do they ever take a bath?
Especially if you pump.
Do they ever take a bath?
And you're so tired,
Do they ever take a bath?
And you get these little white bumps on the back of your arms,
Do they ever take a bath?
And every shirt you own is stained,
Do they ever take a bath?
And your husband looks at you like,
Do they ever take a bath?
"oh, my god, what happened?"
Do they ever take a bath?
And the last thing you can think about is having sex.
Do they ever take a bath?
It's like you're never going to find
Do they ever take a bath?
That part of yourself again.
Do they ever take a bath?
Okay, keep going.
Okay.
Okay, keep going.
Pinot grigio.
Okay, keep going.
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
¶ she got it now, now ¶
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
¶ she got it now ¶
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
She hated you.
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
What?
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
Yeah, it's that chemistry thing, so don't take it personally.
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
I really thought we connected.
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
Maybe you did.
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
But she didn't feel like you could realistically
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
Get into the head of a woman in her 40s.
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
What are you gonna do?
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
You're-- you're just too young.
(man) ¶ she got it now ¶
[sighs]
(diana) it was so nice to meet you, hayley.
[sighs]
(hayley) diana, thank you so much for your time.
[sighs]
I will hold on to your resume.
[sighs]
Oh, that's a friend of mine's daughter.
She just graduated from harvard.
Oh, that's a friend of mine's daughter.
There are so many of you out there.
Oh, that's a friend of mine's daughter.
The thing that we love most about our laura
Is that she never gives up.
The thing that we love most about our laura
- No, no, never. - Never.
The thing that we love most about our laura
She is the master of the encore.
The thing that we love most about our laura
- Mm-hmm. - Right?
The thing that we love most about our laura
Her second try at the sats...
The thing that we love most about our laura
Second time she went to college.
The thing that we love most about our laura
Her second nose job.
The thing that we love most about our laura
[laughs]
The thing that we love most about our laura
Well, no, as plain as the nose on her face.
The thing that we love most about our laura
What we're saying--
The thing that we love most about our laura
So i don't see a watch on thad.
The thing that we love most about our laura
I know. I thought about what you said.
The thing that we love most about our laura
And, um, you're right. It's a dead giveaway.
The thing that we love most about our laura
We'd now like to bring to bima
The thing that we love most about our laura
The star in all of our lives,
The thing that we love most about our laura
Our daughter, the beautiful lauren tovah heller.
The thing that we love most about our laura
[cheers and applause]
The thing that we love most about our laura
(man) we're so proud of you.
Who's ready to worship?
(man) we're so proud of you.
Uh, my torah portion today tells the story
(man) we're so proud of you.
Of jacob, son of isaac and rebecca.
(man) we're so proud of you.
Jacob lied to his father,
(man) we're so proud of you.
Pretending to be his brother
(man) we're so proud of you.
In order to unfairly win their father's blessing.
(man) we're so proud of you.
Wait, that's in the torah?
(man) we're so proud of you.
I could have sworn that's an episode of game of thrones.
(man) we're so proud of you.
Today,
(man) we're so proud of you.
I am the older, serving my younger self,
(man) we're so proud of you.
Bearing my honest feelings with all of you.
(man) we're so proud of you.
Because being honest with the people we love
(man) we're so proud of you.
Is what today is really all about.
(man) we're so proud of you.
Yes, at my first bat mitzvah,
(man) we're so proud of you.
I didn't have the nerve to kiss the person that i wanted.
(man) we're so proud of you.
But tonight, i'm hot, and i'm kissing who i want.
(man) we're so proud of you.
Shabbat shalom!
(man) we're so proud of you.
- Shabbat shalom. - Shabbat shalom.
(man) we're so proud of you.
(man) yo, yo, yo. What's up?
(man) we're so proud of you.
I'm k-run aka "your mama's sperm bank."
(man) we're so proud of you.
And i'm your emcee/panty-dropper for the night.
(man) we're so proud of you.
Uh, yeah.
(man) we're so proud of you.
¶ i'm adoring lauren heller ¶
(man) we're so proud of you.
¶ she's hella hot ¶
(man) we're so proud of you.
¶ but at 13, she was most def not ¶
(man) we're so proud of you.
¶ skinny with pimples, getting dissed by the cutie ¶
(man) we're so proud of you.
¶ now look who's got a good job and a small booty ¶
(man) we're so proud of you.
¶ yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh ¶
(man) we're so proud of you.
¶ uh ¶
(man) we're so proud of you.
¶ ¶
(man) we're so proud of you.
¶ uh-huh, uh-huh ¶
(man) we're so proud of you.
¶ come on, let's see it, ken and barbie ¶
(man) we're so proud of you.
Not gonna happen, bro.
Oh, something's gonna happen, huh?
Not gonna happen, bro.
Come on. A little robot, huh?
Not gonna happen, bro.
Come on, girl.
Not gonna happen, bro.
Huh, what? Come on. Show me some love.
Not gonna happen, bro.
(lauren) okay, you two. Come with me, you two.
Not gonna happen, bro.
- Now what? - It's going to be fine.
Not gonna happen, bro.
Liza, josh, hi. Your presence is required.
Not gonna happen, bro.
Come. Come this way.
Not gonna happen, bro.
- Maggie. - Hi.
Not gonna happen, bro.
- Hi. - Hey.
Not gonna happen, bro.
- Come with me. - Okay.
Not gonna happen, bro.
Please arrange yourselves.
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
I wanted to make a special toast.
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
Thank you for coming tonight.
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
I know that i can be kind of out there sometimes,
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
But all of you guys accept me and support me,
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
And that just-- it means everything.
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
To my friends.
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
L'chaim, bitches!
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
[all cheer]
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
(woman) [auto-tuned] ¶ so high ¶
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
¶ i'm--i'm--i'm so high ¶
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
Oh, my god. This is horrible.
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
What is that?
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
That's my special hot mitzvah shooter,
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
Manischewitz and molly.
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
What?
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
You are crazy.
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
Oh, we are so not golfing with your parents tomorrow.
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
What are they talking about? What's molly?
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
Mdma. Pure ecstasy.
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
What?
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
Best hot mitzvah ever!
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
Whoo!
Okay, since you are all my closest friends,
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
¶ she like it ¶
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
How do you know if you're rolling?
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
How are you feeling?
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
Like every hair on my body is happy.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
And i'm wrapped in a warm blanket of music.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
You're definitely rolling.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
Hey, you guys want some water?
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
- Oh, my god, yes. - Oh, god.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
Oh, god.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
Okay.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
[distorted] thank you.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
You look wonderful.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
[laughs]
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
I'm gonna start wearing, like, big gold belts.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
That is, like, the best you have ever had.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
I thought i could never be with you.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
We should just, like, talk all night.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
Yes.
(man) ¶ she like it, she know that ¶
There. There. I did it.
I finally got to kiss the person i wanted to.
There. There. I did it.
[giggles] okay.
There. There. I did it.
Uh, yeah.
There. There. I did it.
Uh, i-i-i'll talk to you.
There. There. I did it.
Definitely.
There. There. I did it.
Wow.
There. There. I did it.
(woman) ¶ oh, he's so enticed by the way i'm moving ¶
There. There. I did it.
I don't say this enough,
There. There. I did it.
But you're the best boyfriend.
There. There. I did it.
You're the best girlfriend.
There. There. I did it.
- Really? - Yeah.
There. There. I did it.
That's why i got you this.
There. There. I did it.
What?
There. There. I did it.
Yeah, i was gonna give it to you later,
There. There. I did it.
But i can't wait.
There. There. I did it.
Oh, my god.
There. There. I did it.
It's the most beautiful thing i have ever seen.
There. There. I did it.
Yeah?
There. There. I did it.
[gasps]
There. There. I did it.
Yeah.
There. There. I did it.
Wait a minute.
There. There. I did it.
You're not giving me this for no reason.
There. There. I did it.
[sighs]
There. There. I did it.
Babe--
There. There. I did it.
You're, like-- it's like--
There. There. I did it.
Um, i went to a strip club with some of the guys from work.
There. There. I did it.
And i got a lap dance and went a little too far.
There. There. I did it.
[laughs]
You know what,
I bought you a watch,
You know what,
A really expensive watch.
You know what,
Are you saying what i think you're saying?
You know what,
I'm saying, i think it would a lot cheaper for both of us
You know what,
If we were just monogamous.
You know what,
All right.
You know what,
We have a deal?
You know what,
Yes.
You know what,
- [laughs] - we have a deal.
You know what,
[ hava nagila plays]
You know what,
¶ ¶
You know what,
Oh, my god. I love you.
I love you too.
Oh, my god. I love you.
[people cheering]
Oh, my god. I love you.
Hey, i mean it.
You do?
Hey, i mean it.
Yeah.
Hey, i mean it.
I mean, you--you're smart,
Hey, i mean it.
And you're beautiful,
Hey, i mean it.
And i love how you're just game for anything.
Hey, i mean it.
I love how i feel when i'm around you.
Hey, i mean it.
I love you.
Hey, i mean it.
I love you.
Hey, i mean it.
I love you too, josh.
Hey, i mean it.
That's why i have to tell you this.
I'm a 40-year-old mom from new jersey.
[laughs] i totally know how you feel.
I'm a 40-year-old mom from new jersey.
Sometimes i feel like i'm a 90-year-old fisherman in japan.
I'm a 40-year-old mom from new jersey.
No, i mean it. I mean it.
I'm a 40-year-old mom from new jersey.
I'm not in my 20s. I really am 40.
I'm a 40-year-old mom from new jersey.
[people cheering]
(both) liza, get in here!
[people cheering]
Oh!
[people cheering]
[laughter]
[people cheering]
[people cheering]
[people cheering]