Young & Hungry (2014–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - Young & Assistant - full transcript

Josh is about to launch a new app and hires a new assistant, Randall. Thinking Randall is a little too good at his job and out to get theirs, Gabi, Elliot, and Yolanda set out to get him fired.


Guys, gather round.
I have an announcement to make.

As you know,
I've been working on a new app.

The app is called

It automatically curates
users' photos with an algorithm

to let them know which ones
are gonna be most liked.

Oh, that's easy.

Any photo with you shirtless.

Or any photo with you
not in it.

As you know, I tend
to get a little nervous
before a launch,

so I decided I need--

-A massage!
-Grilled cheese!

Ooh, some weed!

Every great man has a sidekick.

Batman had Robin,

Sherlock had Watson,

and I, Josh Kaminski, have--

All: Me!


Meet Randall,
my new assistant.

He went to an Ivy League school
and is destined for big things.

Hello, fellow employees.

I wish I had time to socialize,
but we should really
all get back to work.


Oh, he's serious.

Ticktock, Josh.

-Great to meet you!

Welcome! He's weird.

-Oh, my damn.

(theme music playing)

? She in the spotlight ?

? And she turn my head ?

? She run a red light ?

? 'Cause she bad like that ?

? I like that
ooh, baby, ooh, baby ?

? Baby ?

? I like that ooh, baby
ooh, baby ?

I don't know why
they put labels on
these cleaning products

telling you not to breathe in
the fumes.

That's the best part.

Excuse me.

-What are you doing?
-Taking out Josh's trash.

I told you yesterday that
that's my job.

Now, keep your hands
off my trash before
I beat your ass.

I would,
but as Josh's assistant,

I can't let him work
in filth.

Oh, oh!

Look at that guy
doing my job for me.

Why do I hate him?

Yolanda, it's a big change

to have somebody new
in the apartment.

You remember my first day here.

Hell no, I was drunk.

No one talk to me today.

I've got to get
a press release out
for Josh's new app.

I already sent it
from your computer.

So you can check that
off your to-do list.

You went on my computer,
in my office?

Mm, technically,
it's Josh's computer,

in his penthouse,
and he told me to do it,

so... kind of just doing my job.

-And mine.
-And mine.

You guys, he's just trying
to impress Josh.

Okay? He's not trying
to take your jobs away.


I'll take that tray.

An, um, no more
grilled cheese.

This is a penthouse,
not a trailer park.


You guys!

(sighs) Randall just
totally cook-blocked me.

We've got to get
rid of him.

Trust me, I know
these number-crunching types.

It's only a matter of time
before he convinces Josh,

he doesn't need
a full-time publicist.

-Or a housekeeper.
-Or a personal chef.

Who the hell needs
a personal chef
five days a week?

Oh, my God,
what are we gonna do?

I got it.

If Josh sees sparks
between you and Randall,

he'll get rid of him.

Precious is right.

I bet if you flirt with Randall
right in front of Josh,

he'll get so jelly
he'll fire him.

I don't know, you guys.

I mean, I'm just
back to work here.

Josh and I are finally friends.

I don't know if I want
to jeopardize it.

What a surprise.

in the laundry room.

Gabi, Josh has been
asking for his smoothie
for five minutes.

You know what?
I got it.

I'm in.


You look like
a fancy prostitute.

You must have a date.


And it's Josh's new assistant.

He asked you out?

Uh, no, I asked him.

You know how shy guys are.

You gotta be
a little more forward,

smile more, laugh harder.

And, you know, when that
doesn't work, you just
corner them and ask them out.

Oh, maybe I can weave this
into my article.

Oh, what article?

Well, I'm writing
a freelance dating article
for that relationship blog

called "Posting and Ghosting."

But you're not dating,
you're all alone.

Yeah, I know. I'm just
gonna make it up.

It's called journalism, Gabi.

(loud music playing)

(scoffs) It's starting again.

I cannot think with
this blaring music.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

We have a broom?

That's it.

You bring the music,
Lil' So-So's gonna bring
the beat.

(loud music continues)

(music stops)

Hello, luv.

Nice broom.

Thanks. I came here to--

Sweep you off your feet.

What a relief. I thought
you might be here to complain
about my music.

(scoffs) More like complain
that it's not loud enough

for this single,

totally disease-free
girl to hear.

It's my band.
We just moved here
from the UK.


Since I'm new in town,

how about showing me
around tomorrow?

Around when?

Around eight?

See you then.

Cheers, mate.

Not that we're mating,
just dating.

Are we dating?
See you at eight!

There she is.

How was your date
with Randall?

Well, she's doing
the walk of shame
in that outfit.

These aren't the same
clothes I wore yesterday.

I know, you should still
be ashamed.

Anyway, you guys
would've been so proud.

I flirted my ass off.

A batting of the eyes here
and a strategic touching
of the arm there.

He was putty in my hands.

Gabi, can you please
come in here?

It's almost too easy.


Have a seat.

Seems as though
we have a situation.


Do we?

Randall, uh, he talked
to me about you.

Listen, Josh,

if you're uncomfortable,

and, uh, you want
to let him go,

I understand.

He said
you sexually harassed him.

What? No, I didn't
do that.

So you didn't keep
asking him out 12 times
until he said yes.

Hello, Josh, he said yes.

He also said you were "handsy."

Handsy? My hand
never left his knee!


Hey, guys.

Guess who's on the verge
of getting fired?


"Whey protein, dried lentils,
cottage cheese." What is this?

You reading.
I'm shocked too.

That's a shopping list
from Randall.

He said it's from Josh,
and that's what he wants
in the fridge.

And wait till you hear
what the little worm
did to me.

Oh, he had me clean
all the vents in the penthouse

because Josh sneezed.

They were filthy. Whoo!

Somebody is not
doing their job.

Yeah, you.

Whatever, I still hate Randall.

Yeah, well, he suggested
to Josh

that I tweet every hour

to build buzz
for Josh's new app.

Aren't you supposed
to be doing that anyway?

I still hate Randall.

Hey, guys.

Oh, hello.

I'm so sorry. I don't mean
to make you feel uncomfortable.

I'm glad you're all here
and appear to be on break.

Guys, I just wanted
to say, I'm sorry.

I think I came on
a little strong

and I'd like to make it
up to you.

Drinks on me tonight?

I'm sorry, I cannot socialize
with you according
to LegalZoom.

And I'm sorry,
I have to wash my hair.

And I have to wash...
whosever hair this is.

Hey, no, no, no.

Uh, Randall, they would love
to have drinks with you tonight.

It sound likes
a really excellent "plan."


We can all leave together
right after work.


What the hell was that?

My plan. You guys are gonna
take Randall out,

and you're gonna get him
really, really drunk.

Then he misses work for days
and Josh has to fire him.

Okay? So, you have
to go really hard.

I'm talking
Valentine's Day no-date hard.

That's genius.

No one can out-drink Yolanda.

Thanks, Elliot.

Finally, a compliment.

What am I making, you ask?

Gabi, this is Upstairs Rick.

Oh. You look
a lot different
than you sound.

Thanks, luv.

He's British
and in a band.

He's magical.

(rock music playing)

New track.
What do you think?

It's killer!

(whispers) It's killing me!

I hate it.

Well, you're gonna
love me.

Here. I use these every time
Josh talks about
computery stuff.

Bye, Upstairs Rick.



Sofia, there's something
I want to ask you.


(silence continuing)

Come on, luv.
Don't make me beg.

Yes or no?

You want a yes or no
to the question you just asked?

Come on, be a doll.

Say yes. Please.

Yes, please.

I can't believe I finally
got a girl to agree
to this.

Neither can I.

Oh, my God.

There you guys are.
I was getting worried.

Girl, don't get me started.

After drinks, we took
Randall out dancing.

Then to a party.

Then to an after-party.

Then to an after-after-party.

We drank everything.

He's probably at home
throwing up right now.

What are you guys talking about?
Randall's been here since six.

He already sent out
a press release and cleaned up
Josh's office.

What? He's here?

Then who the hell did
we drop off at his apartment?

Hello, this is Randall.

I told you not
to call me here!

I must still be drunk
'cause I'm hearing
Randall's voice in my head.

And I must still be drunk
'cause you look hot.


Okay. I'm sober
and I'm hearing it too

because it's coming
from that vent.



If I knew I could hear
private conversations,

I would have cleaned
those vents out years ago.




Relax. He doesn't
suspect a thing.

I'll be on my way
as soon as I get it.


What is he getting
and where is he going?

Wait, Elliot, do you still have
that thingy on your thingy?

You mean GPS on my tablet?

I speak stupid.

Thank you. Now, we're going
to know exactly what he's up to.

(clears throat)

Oh, hey, guys.

I'm sorry I ditched you
at that party.

If I'm not home
by midnight, my mom
gets worried.

Hey, Elliot. The beta version
for my app is transferring onto
a flash drive right now.

As soon as it's done,
I need you to take it
to the corporate office--

You been drinking?

Maybe... a little.

I can take it
for you, Josh.

Randall drank too!

I did go out,
but I don't drink.

I only pretended to
and poured mine in
a big black flowerpot.

That was me, fool.

Okay, look, as soon as the drive
finishes, I'll give it to you
and you can take it.

No! Give it to me.
I can do it, I swear.

Okay. Fine.

If you can spin around
twice without barfing,
I'll let you take it.



Last time I tracked someone,

I found my husband at a motel
with his dental hygienist.

Ironically, he was filling
one of her cavities.

He's past
Josh's corporate office

and is on the 101.

(gasps) Maybe he's headed
to Silicon Valley.

Where the tech companies are.

And a really good Pinkberry.

Oh, my God.
Do you know
what this means?

Yeah, he's getting yogurt
instead of doing his job.

We got him, you guys.

Guys, I'm heading out--

And my staff went home at three.

He's a spy!

-A liar!
-We gotta stop him.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa.

Calm down.
One at a time.

What's this all about?

We found out
bad things about Randall.

Bad, bad things.

Randall didn't go
to your corporate office.

No! He's headed
to Silicon Valley
because he's--


Oh, my God.
Randall, what happened?

I was walking
to my car

when a black SUV pulled up

and three guys jumped out.

They asked if I worked for you
and when I proudly said yes,

they jumped me.

Bam, even when
he's beat senseless,
he's a suck-up.

I fought as hard
as I could,

but my yellow belt
in karate failed me.

They overpowered me
and took my backpack.

But I didn't let them
get your flash drive.

Did I do good, Josh?

You did great, buddy.

Well, look at that.

Randall risked
his life for me.

You guys thought
he was a spy.

A spy?

Yeah, we heard you on the phone
telling someone that
he'd get it soon,

and "He doesn't
suspect a thing."

Yeah. My dad doesn't
suspect a thing because
my mom and I were planning

a surprise birthday party
for him.

Randall, I am so sorry.

Can you guys get some aspirin,
some towels, and help clean
Randall up, please?

-Sure thing.
-Sorry, Randall.

I'm gonna go drop off
the drive at my office

Wait! Aren't you afraid?

What if the scary men
are still out there?

Oh, please, Gabi.
I can handle myself.

Elliot, they still
in Silicon Valley?

-Gabi, I can handle myself.

Gabi, Rick's
coming over any minute,

and I still don't know
what it is I agreed to do
with him.

I'm really freaking out.

What if it's something kinky?

Sofia's in, mate.

She's gonna be
our new tambourine girl.

How brilliant is that?



Hello, hello.

What is that? What is that?

Oh, it's a bottle of bubbly
to get us in the mood.

Oh, good. Good, good, good.


Okay, so, you remember how
yesterday, um,

I kind of agreed
to do something--

Yes, yes.
And I am so excited.

I've been trying to get
a girl to do this for a while,

but most are too shy.

They are?

So, do we need to pick
one up or do you have one
that you like to play with?


I don't know. Uh... What does--
What does it look like again?


You're funny.

I know you've seen
a few in your day.

But this-- But this particular
one you're speaking of,

is it big, is it small?

Well, the one I use
is 12 inches, but you're
kind of petite,

-so you might want to--


As long as you can
hold it in one hand

and slap it against
your bum, right?

Wrong. Wrong.

I-- I don't think I can do this.

Sofia, Sofia,
don't worry.

We'll go slow
until you get the hang of it.

In no time, you'll be
using two at once.

And the guys in the band
cannot wait to see you
in action.

Okay. Great.

Listen, I am a good girl
from Florida,

okay, and whatever sick thing
you've got planned is just
not gonna happen.

Sofia, please.

It's natural
to be nervous, but...

I'm gonna be right behind you
the whole time.

Ew, just go.


Is there anything
I can do for you?

Well, my mom used to
make me chicken noodle soup
to feel better.

Okay, I'll make you some.

Yeah, it has to be
my mom's recipe.

I e-mailed it
to you.



Randall, I have
a question.

Do I forgive you?

It'll be hard, but--

After you got mugged,
did you get a makeover?

-(Gabi gasps)

Oh, my God!

You didn't get beat up.

Your black eye
has sparkles in it.

Uh... I-- I can explain.

Then talk fast.

Fine, I faked
getting mugged.


Why do you think? Money.

This new app is gonna
make someone very rich.

Especially me.

I froze you three out
and earned Josh's trust

and he let me take that drive.

Then I cloned it, gave it
to my partners, who are gonna
sell it.

Finally, I can afford
to move out of
my parents' basement.

The hell you can, bitch!


I didn't trust you.

So before Josh
gave you the flash drive,

I switched it.

The drive I gave you
had my honeymoon photos on it.

I didn't trust him either.

So I switched out
the flash drive

for my Best of the Barrys
flash drive.

Gibb, White, Manilow.

Oh, my God. We all
did the same thing.

You have a Best of the Barrys
flash drive too?

No, No. I didn't have
my own flash drive,

so I went into Josh's office

and I found a new one
in the bottom drawer
of his cabinet.

So the one that Randall sold
was just a brand-new,
blank flash drive.

Boom! Yeah.

I can't believe
I've been busted by
the most unprofessional,

codependent, sexual-harassing,
binge-drinking losers
I've ever seen.

I'm out!


You forgot "floor waxing."

See, if you didn't
make me do my job,

the floor would be
sticky like it usually is.

-(door opens)

Um... Why is Randall
on the floor?

Because he was a spy.

His black eye was fake. See?

And he admitted giving
a flash drive to his partners
to sell.

And then he tried to run
and slipped on the floor.

Which I clean on a daily basis.

Well, that is a relief.

God, I'm smart.

What are you
talking about?

Well, look, I didn't want
to say anything earlier

because I didn't want
to hurt his feelings.

But do you think I'm gonna
trust a guy who's worked
for me for one week

with an app
I've been developing
for six months?

No way.

I switched the drives.
I gave him a fake one.

The real one I hid
for safekeeping in the bottom
drawer of my cabinet.

Your, uh... cabinet drawer
on the left-hand side?

Yeah. Why? Why do you know that?
You didn't touch that drive,
did you?

No! Of course not.

Like any of us would go
into your private office
and touch your stuff.

Hey, uh...
do you know what I'm craving?


I hear there's a good one
in Silicon Valley.

Let's go there now.

They posted my dating article,
by the way.


-What's it about?

Oh... Okay.

This is a little
embarrassing, but, uh...

Do you remember when
you were asking me about
playing the tambourine?

Well, I actually thought
you were talking about, um...

-God, no!

I'm a romantic,
I'm not a pervert.

Oh, my God. Me too.
Romantic all the way.

Well, speaking of which,

what do you say we scamper
off to the bedroom with...

with this?


You want to make love
by candlelight?

No, darling. I want you
to light this

and then drip the hot wax
all over my nipples.

Your nipples, right?