Young & Hungry (2014–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - Young & Fostered - full transcript


Well, I'm back from my
stupid Soul Spin job,

and I'm about to go
to my stupid diner job.

I hate it all,
I have minimum wage rage.


What are you sad about?
You're making cupcakes.

Oh, did you eat
the first batch?

No! Elliot and Alan's
little foster daughter's
coming today,

and I'm making her cupcakes,
but all this talk

about a little girl
without her mom,

it's making me miss mine.

Yeah, well, your mom
was very sweet and...

-warm and chocolatey--
-Take one.

Sometimes I wish
I could just pick up the phone
and tell her that I love her.

You know what?
I am gonna call her.


My mom.

Gabi... your mom passed away
five years ago.

You know
she's not gonna pick up.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm gonna text her.


I'm just gonna text
"I love you" to her old number.

There, I did it. Done.

Do you feel better?

Well, I'd feel better
if she responded.

(phone dings)

-Should I look?

No, I'm scared.

You look. No, no,
I'll look. I'm looking.

"I love you too,
whoever you are."


-Should I tell them
who I are?

Okay, okay, okay.
Um, this is Gabi.
Who are you?

-(phone dings)
-Peter Gabe D'Angelo,

-who's Peter Gabe D'Angelo?
-I don't know! I don't know!

Let's look him up.


Uh, do you think
this could be
Peter Gabe D--

Yes, please!

He freelances for Rolling Stone
and Spin!

Oh my god. Sofia,

Do you know
what this means?

My mom is setting me up
with my soul mate
from heaven!

Okay, can you send her
a text and see
if she can find me

a decent full-time job
that I feel passionate about?

Okay, fine,
but when your mom dies,
she totally owes me.

(theme music playing)

? She's in the spotlight ?

? And she turned my head ?

? She'd run a red light ?

? 'Cause she's bad like that ?

? I like that,
ooh, baby, ooh, baby ?

? Baby ?

? I like that ooh, baby,
ooh, baby ?

I'm loving today.

Alan and Elliot's
foster daughter gets here,

my mom set me up
with my soul mate,

and I finally
have a reason
to shave above my knees.

Gabala, no offense
but you're gonna have to watch
the dirty talk

in front of our
new little princess.

Yeah, she's only three.
Gabi, that's this many!

I hope Keisha likes princesses.

You better hope
she likes queens.

Wait a sec... Does that mean
I have to watch my mouth too?

What about... drinking?

And the occasional tokedy-toke
of a smokedy-smoke?

Relax. We're all here
to support you and Keisha.

I can't wait to spoil her rotten
the way my absent,

emotionally shut-down father
never did for me.

Not that I'm holding a grudge.

And she's gonna
love her godmother!

Oh, no! No, no, no!

Oh, yes! Get on the train.

We're gonna need all the help
we can get, sweetie.

Keisha's black, Yolanda's black,
black is the new orange,

and orange you glad
we're getting a three-year-old,

and I'm freaking out!

-(knock on door)
-She's here!

I'll get it...
No, you get it.
We should both get it.

Oh my god.
I've never been this excited

to meet a girl in my life!

Open the door!

Hi, guys, this is Keisha.

Damn, this place is huge.

Come in, angel.

Bat Mitzvah-aged angel.

I'm Alan, and this
is my husband, Elliot.

Please tell me those two
are my foster parents,

and these are my funny,
gay uncles.

She has go to back!
She's a hundred!

There's obviously been
some kind of mistake.

Why is there
baby stuff everywhere?

Oh, I get it, you thought
you were getting a little kid?


Miss Higgs, maybe we should talk
in the other room.

So, uh, are you hungry?

Yeah, Gabi can make you
anything you want,

and remember, I pay her,
so it's like I'm making you
anything... you want!

So, what do you want
for breakfast? How do you like
your eggs?

In a "to go" box?
I'm not gonna be here long.

What do you mean?

Those two are gonna be
just like all of my other
foster parents.

Why do you think
they're in there
talking to Miss Higgs?

Well, maybe they're in there
thanking her for bringing them
you, instead of some

sticky, whiny, germy

Aw, well look at you...
all white and cute and hopeful.

Gabi, maybe Keisha's godmother
should handle this.

Baby girl...

Don't "baby girl" me.
I'm not your baby.

You might be.
I made a lotta mistakes
in 2003.

Okay! All right!
I got this. Ladies?

How about a smart watch, tablet?
How about some blue chip stock?

Stop trying to impress me.

There's no way queer eye
and the fat guy
are gonna keep me.

-We're not keeping her.

we can't just return her
like she's an ugly cardigan
from J. Crew.

I knew you hated that present!

Look. Miss Higgs,
can I be honest with you?

We ordered a three-year-old!

Can I be honest with you?

A bi-racial middle-aged
gay couple is not
on every kid's wish list.

And no one's knocking down
the door for 13-year-old Keisha.

I thought this would be
a perfect match.

-Nobody wanted Keisha?
-Don't go soft, Alan.

Miss Higgs, do you mind
giving us a moment to discuss?

You can wait right out here
on the lovely terrace.

I don't have all day,
I have other couples
to disappoint.

We're not keeping her!

Did you not hear
what Miss Higgs just said?

Nobody wants Keisha.

Of course not!
She's old and homophobic.

If we wanted that,
we'd take in my grandma.

Sweetie, I understand
you're in shock.

We didn't get
the three-year-old we wanted.

I didn't even want
the three-year-old!


I was going along with it
for you.

I wanna spend my life
with you!

Go on romantic cruises...
with you.

Get plastic surgeries
to look younger... with you!

And I wanna do all those things
with you!

But I also wanna be a father
and have a family.

Come on.
We can be the parents
we always wanted.

Open, accepting,
theater-camp friendly.

Please, Elliot?

One week! We'll try it
for one week!

-But if she does anything--
-She won't! We're havin'
a baby!

A 13-year-old baby!

-(flatly) Ta-da!
-What do you think?

It looks like Tinker Bell
threw up in here.

I thought you people
were supposed to have
good taste?

"You people"?

We can redecorate!

We're gay, Jewish and Asian.
It'll be stylish, cheap,
and Feng Shui-ed.

Okay, time for bed.

Elliot, wait.
We need to get to know
each other.

Keisha, I want you
to feel comfortable.

So if there's anything
you need or wanna ask us,
go right ahead.

Where's the TV?

Oh, uh, we didn't put a TV
in your room.

But Alan got you
one of these things

where you pull the lever
and it makes the animal noises?


But... I can't sleep
without a TV.

Of course you can't.

She can't sleep
without a TV.

You know what, honey?
You can take our room tonight.

There's a TV in there.

What? What?

We'll just lock
the second drawer.

It's the final night
of The Bachelorette

and I wanna know
who gets the final rose.

That's what a DVR is for.

But you have to watch
the finale live,

or everybody
will know everything
before me,

and I won't get to see
the drama unfold.

It's okay. I don't need a TV.
I'll just cry myself to sleep.

Oh, she's good.

Okay. I know
this is a little uncomfortable,

but being a parent
is all about sacrifice.

Trust me, it'll be
the most rewarding thing
we've ever done.

Oh my god! She picked the ex-con
who works at the pre-school!

Good morning.

Hey! Just in time
for breakfast.

Good, I'm starving.
All they gave me to eat
was an onion-flavored donut.

It was a bagel!

Keisha... why don't you
go eat your breakfast
out on the terrace?

So you can talk about me?

-Your dude wife said
we were supposed to be

honest with each other.

Fine, go outside
so I can talk about you.

Last night was a nightmare.

Alan and I were up
till four in the morning
fighting about Keisha!

Why, what happened?

She took our bedroom
and our TV, and we had to sleep
in the princess bed.

If the shoe fits...

Get ready to learn
from the master!

I raised three kids.
And two of 'em still talk to me.

Can I have some bacon?

Oh, of course, baby!

And then maybe later
we can go to a movie,

and get some Chinese food,
and ooh...

and then
we can knock on the door

of one of my exes,
and you can scare
the crap out of him

by saying, "Hey, Daddy."

-What the hell?

Hey-y, Keisha!

Look what your super cool
Uncle Joshy got you.

Your very own 3D printer,
where you can print
any gift you want!

The only limit...

is your imagination.


See? She's impossible.


You're impossible!

Guys, she's not impossible,
she's a teenager.

If you want her to have fun,
just do something she likes.

Take her to mall
and go shopping.

Now that's what
I'm talking about.
Can I kick it with you?

Yes! Kick it with her!

Josh, is it okay
if I take Keisha to the mall?

Is it? I'll tell you what.

Why don't you
take my platinum card,

and get Keisha a nice jacket
that'll keep her warm
on her...

hot air balloon ride!


I'm telling you, every dress
you tried on looked poppin'.

I think I love you.

Well, it's probably
'cause you have
such a bangin' body.

Yeah, I know I love you.

You're the only one who does.

Oh, come on, Keisha.

Josh likes you.
Yolanda likes you.

Alan likes you.


Yeah, but Elliot doesn't like
anybody at first.

When he first met me,
he hated me.

But now...

this story's going nowhere.

Look, I get it.
I'm 13, annoying,
and I got a big mouth.

Everyone says so.

Yeah, but that's how teenagers
are supposed to be.

Hey, when I was your age,
I was a total nightmare.

-Yeah, right.
-No, I was.

I cheated on tests,
I snuck out to see boys,

I had a fake I.D.

What'd you do,
use it to buy booze?

No, I actually just wanted
to go to this dance club
in Tampa,

but you had to be 18
to get in, so...

I went to a smoke shop,
and boom. Zora Martinez,
nineteen, Scorpio.

Well, you gotta know your sign,
'cause bouncers are gonna ask.

And they didn't ask
about the "Martinez"?

They did and that's how
I got busted.

I got grounded for two weeks.
But my mom understood.

She even showed me her fake I.D.
from when she was my age.

She was cool like that.

You two still close?

Well, she passed away.

That sucks.

My mom's dead too.

Oh, Keisha, I'm sorry.
Do you still talk to her?

I just said she's dead.

I know, but that doesn't mean
you can't talk to her.

I talk to my mom all the time.


Yeah, hey, let's just say
if it wasn't for her,

I would not be going out
with this guy.

-Check him out.
-Oh, I'm gonna check out
every inch of his--


Hey! How's the pizza?

Stale and unfulfilling...
like my career.

Okay, well, have fun.

I am off on my date
with a hot, supercool
music journalist.

I can't believe you
get to go backstage
and meet Drake!

Mm-hmm, well hey, listen,
if it makes you feel any better,

it's not for fun, you know?
It's his job. He has to write
a review.

I just get to go with him!

(knock on door)

Hi! Wow, guy who has
my mom's old number,
you're real and you're cute.

Hey, I'm Sofia.

I really liked your article
on the breakup of Journey.

"Do Stop Believing," thank you.

Gabi, we gotta get going.

Oh, right, you gotta
get there early
so you can take notes

and really capture the moment?

No, I ate a special brownie
and it is about to kick in.

You two have fun at the concert.
I'm so glad good things
keep happening to you.

(Gabi's phone rings)

Oh, hang on one second.

Oh, it's my co-worker.
He's probably just calling
to thank me,

I spent the day
with his foster daughter,
we totally bonded and,

kind of her mentor.
You're welcome, Elliot.

What? When?

Okay, I'm on my way.
Keisha ran away, I gotta go.

Oh my god...

Yeah, listen, Peter,
I'm really sorry.
I was really looking forward

to tonight,
but I gotta get going.

Gabi, is there anything
I can do?

Um... actually, yeah!
Will you go to the concert
with my soul mate?

I don't want him
to like, meet anybody
'cause he's my soul mate.

No pressure.

Can't believe she ran away.

We're the worst parents ever.

Guys, don't blame yourselves.

I don't. I blame her.

What? Me? What did I do?

You were the last person
to spend time with Keisha.

What did you say to her
to make her run away?

Nothing, we just
went to the mall,
and then we went to the diner

for milkshakes.

What kind?

What? Every detail
could be a clue.

Think, Gabala, think.
Did she say anything

that might suggest
she'd run away?

Spit it out, bitch!
Everybody knows
the first few hours

are the most important!

I mean, we just talked
about girl stuff, you know,

like clothes and music
and how both our moms are dead.

Keisha's mom's not dead.

-What? But she told me
her mom--
-Keisha's mom's

been in a prison upstate
for the last three years.

It was in her file.

But why would she lie?

Would you wanna tell someone
your mom was in the big house?

My kids didn't.

Oh my god, you know what?
I told her that I do
everything I can

to stay connected with my mom.
Do you think she went
to to visit her in prison?

How? She doesn't have money.


she may have $500.

Joshua, you didn't!

I wanted her to like me!
All my presents were tanking.

Okay, everybody
slow your damn roll.

Now, a kid just can't
go visit a prison.

They have to be with an adult
or be 18.


I may have told her
you can buy a fake I.D.
at a smoke shop.

Gabala, you didn't.

Gabala did.

Okay, here's the plan.

Yolanda, you're gonna stay here
in case she comes back,

the rest of us will divide up,
we'll hit every smoke shop
in the area.

We'll meet at the diner
in an hour.


Uch... looks like
Tinker Bell threw up in here.

Okay, so I know your article
is due in two hours,

and you were nice enough
to introduce me to Drake,

so I'm gonna brew you
a fresh pot of coffee

so you can start your article--







Okay, how about this?
Uh, you dictate
and I will type.

The cloud was maglical...

Do you mean
the crowd was magical?

Good. You're good.

The music was--

Peter. Peter!

Hey! You gotta wake up
and write this review.

I don't wanna. You do it.

But I-I'm not a writer.


I really need this job.
I'm in so much debt.

Rehab is so expensive.

Okay. Well, won't be
the first time a guy
passes out on me

and I have to do
all the work.

We've been to eight smoke shops
and still no Keisha.

Alan, what are we gonna do?

We're gonna ditch
these patchouli-soaked jackets
and soldier on!

You look up the bus lines,
I'm gonna find the number
for the prison.

Any word from Gabi and Josh?

They're on their way here,
but they haven't
found her, either.

Nothing for me.
I'm too upset.

Me neither, I can't eat
at a time like this.
Two root beer floats.

How could I have trusted
our daughter with Gabi.
I'll tell you how!

I wasn't thinking!
And now look what--

You said "our daughter."

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.
You called Keisha
our daughter.

You like her.

Like her?
I've got such a knot
in my stomach,

I can barely eat.
I can't breathe.
She's killing me!

It's called worry, Elliot.

This is exactly why
I wanted to bring a child
into our lives.

They make everything better
even when they worry you sick.

Well, I don't like it.
If anything happens to her--

Get a grip, you two.
I'm fine. I'm right here!

-Oh my god--
-What are you doing here?

I was just here
waiting for the bus
so I could see my mom.

-Are you okay?
-Yeah, while I was waiting

I bought a bunch of scratchers
with Josh's cash.

I was doing them
in the corner.

We have to get
her stomach pumped!

Those are lottery tickets!

Oh, thank god.

You had us worried sick.
You can't just go
running off like that.

Yeah, well, I didn't think
you cared.

Neither did I.

I didn't think
you wanted me around.

Neither did I!

But he does, and so do I!

And listen, sweetie,
if you wanna go see your mom,
we'll take you.


Yeah. So hand over
that fake I.D.

What fake-- Fine!

Beyonc? Rihanna?

Look, I'm sorry I made it
seem like I didn't
want you around.

It's just...

I've never
had a daughter before.

Yeah, well, I've never
had two dads before.

Aw, she called us "dads"!

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

You like us.
And you wanna hug us.


That means yes!

-I couldn't find her.
-Me neither.

Oh my god. There she is.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

It looks like
they have it under control.

Look at them!
Finally coming together
as a family.

Yeah, and you know,
none of this would've happened

if I hadn't told her
about my mom,

and told her
where to get a fake I.D.

Hey! Don't forget
I'm the one that gave her
all that cash!

We're gonna be great parents.

Yeah, we are.

Hey. I'd like to pay
for everything they're having.

And be sure to let the kid know,
it's from Uncle Joshy.

So you ever been
in a hot air balloon?



Whoo, flowers.
Who are they from?

-Don't want 'em.

After you told me how he acted
that night,

the only person I want
drunkenly passing out
on the couch is Yolanda.

Actually, these are for me
for me for writing that review
for him.

Aw, well, he should have
sent a maid for what he did
to our bathroom.

Oh my god. Gabi...

his editor thought
the article was so good,

Peter got me a gig!
I'm writing an article
for an indie music blog!

Here are the tickets!
I can't believe it!

Now I'm
the cool music journalist!

That's so great, look at you,
with your words!

I know! And I had so much fun
writing that review.

And turns out...
I'm really good at it!

maybe this is your thing!

-Oh my god! I have a thing!
-You have a thing!

-I have a thing!
-You're a writer!

Aah! Who knew?

My mom!

You know what, Gabi?

Maybe your mom
wasn't leading you
to your soul mate.

Maybe she was leading me
to my passion.

Ohh... that's so sweet.

Still single down here, Mom!