Young & Hungry (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 9 - Young & Lottery - full transcript

A massive lottery jackpot causes Sofia and the gang to fantasize about their dream lives; Elliot learns that Alan's design experience is sorely lacking after he is hired to redecorate Josh's office.

Good morning.

No, great morning.

Ooh! Look at you all cheery!

Did you have whiskey in your coffee too?

Uh, so do you remember
when Josh told me that

I should start dating
again and I was really sad?

Well, I'm not anymore.
You wanna know why?

One moment.

Ah. Okay, lay it on me.

Well, because I'm back
on the market, Yolanda.

I signed up for this new dating app

called "What's Cookin'?"
for single foodies like me,

and 48 guys already
sent me a hot pepper.


Show me the biggest one.

No. Yolanda, a hot pepper is like
a wink, and I got tons of 'em.

Oh, I get it. That's how you know
they wanna get jalape?o business.

Exactly, and that's when I
realized enough about Josh.

There are a million Joshes in the sea!


Ooh, he's cute.

His name's Conrad. He's six-one, he
has a successful clothing business,

and he's taking me to
a new tapas bar tonight.

A topless bar on the first date?!

No. Tapas.

Conrad is looking for commitment, unlike
other people who live in this penthouse.

Ladies, by midnight tonight,
we are all gonna be filthy rich!

Uh-oh. What'd you do?

Everyone at Soul Spin was talking about

the Mega Ball Jackpot,
and the drawing's tonight,

so I thought should
all go in on a ticket.

Oh, I'm sorry, but according

to my gamblers anonymous rules,
I'm not allowed to participate.

Well, it's up to $500 million.

Well, good thing it's anonymous!

Are you doing the Mega Ball? I'm in.

I'll take number three.

That's how many months
before Alan and I go broke.

They raised the rent on the
karaoke bar and he lost the lease.

Oh, my God! What is he gonna do?

- That's what I asked.
- Does he have any other skills?

That’s what I asked.

Poor Alan. Is he okay?

That's what I didn't ask.

No wonder he's mad at me!

Oh, my God, I am so loving today.

I am so over Josh, I have
a really hot date tonight,

and we're gonna win the lottery.

It's blue skies and
sunshine from here on out.

Oh. You hear that, people? That's
the winds of change a'blowin'.

What are you doing?

I am de-Kaminski-ing our apartment.

Anything Josh has given
me, I am throwing away.

Oh, like this electric fork that
automatically twirls your spaghetti up.

I love that fork.

Well, get over it! It's gone!

So do I look cute for my
date? Like hot pepper cute?

You look amazing, but, uh...
didn't Josh buy you that jacket?

Oh, good catch!

And, uh, what about
the car he bought ya?

Let's not go crazy.

Hey, what's all that for?

Well, Elliot and Yolanda
are coming over tonight

to watch the Mega Ball
Lottery numbers being drawn,

and I just bought our winning ticket.

Oh, that's right! Hey, what time
are we becoming millionaires?

I, uh, might invite Conrad
back with me to watch.

Uh, no, no. What if you win?

Then you'll never know if he
likes you for you of your money.

Oh, my God, it's him.

All right, have fun. I'm
gonna go put on a sports bra

so when we win and I jump up and
down, my boobs don't go flyin'!

- Hi.
- Hi, I'm Conrad.

And wow, do you look
better than your picture.

Oh, thank you.

I'm really excited to go to that
tapas bar you were talking about.

Oh, it just started to rain.
You better put on a jacket.

Oh. Okay. Thanks.

Trust me...

it's the only time I'll be
asking you to put on clothes.

So, Josh, in our last appointment,

we talked about you
letting Gabi start dating.

How'd that go?

I guess it went fine. I
don't feel great about it.

I mean, I want her to be happy,
but I want her to be happy with me.

Is it hot in here?

That's your follow-up
question at 300 bucks an hour?

- Josh?
- Hm?

Are you staring at me?


- Mm-mm.
- It's not a crime to look at my body.

Is it a crime to touch it?
I'm kidding! I am so kidding.

- Which part would you like to touch?
- Can I pick two?

What's happening?

What is happening?

This is so happening.

Oh, God.


Oh... Oh, my God.

Oh, it was a dream.

Well, speaking of dreams,
you made mine come true.

Thank you so much for
letting me redo your office.


Wait, you mean Elliot didn't tell you

about how they raised the
rent on my karaoke bar,

"Me Sing? I Could Never. Okay."

And now I'm pursuing my
passion for interior design,

which my first project
is to redo your office

for a reasonable, yet generous fee?

Uh... no.

Oy, I can't believe that man.

This is so embarrassing.
I'm horrified...

like you must be every time you
walk into this hellhole of an office.

You okay?

Alan... have you ever been in therapy?

Please. I'm Jewish, gay,
and I witnessed a murder.

Better question is have I
ever been out of therapy.

Okay. I want to talk
to you about something,

but you have to promise not
to say anything to anyone.

Nothing leaves this room...

other than those hideous leather
football helmets, God willing.

Okay, so...

The dream I was having,
was a sex dream...

about my therapist.

Seriously? That's
nothing to worry about.

I've had sex dreams about
my mother, my rabbi, you,

and that was all in one dream.

Yeah, but the whole point of me
going to therapy was to fix my

commitment issues with Gabi.

Gabi's the one I want. I don't want
to start falling for Dr. Rounds.

Oh, bubala please.

You're not falling for her.
It's called transference.

Your feelings for Gabi are
being projected onto your doctor.

It's all part of the process.

- It is?
- Yes.

It's totally natural.

Unlike this laminate flooring,
which, hello, you're a millionaire.

So what do I do about it?

This is the whole reason
you're paying a therapist.

You have to tell her about your dream.

- Oh, it's so embarrassing.
- Joshua.

Fine, I'll tell her.

And anything you want to tell me?

You're hired.

What? Me design? I could never. Okay.

Gabi, tonight was amazing.

You're amazing. I'm amazing.

Yes, so many things are amazing.

Well, good night.

I know what that's code for.

"Break me off a piece of that Conrad."

No. No codes here. Good night.

Hey, hey, hey!

What are you doin'?

Coming in for a "drink."

And just so you know, I'm not one of
those guys who ditches right after.

I'm a primo cuddler.

You'll find that out soon, Little Spoon.

Ew. Enough, okay?

I've been trying to be nice, but
you're gross. You need to leave.

Wait, you're rejecting me?

You used the wrong spelling of
"your" twice in your profile,

but I still thought, "Hey, let's
give the cute, dumb girl a chance."

Me dumb? You dumb!

That soup you sent back for
being too cold was gazpacho!

You're not a foodie at all!

I bet you just go on every
dating website there is.

Uh, yeah. It's called
a numbers game, dummy.

- See you never!
- See you never-er!

Oh, my God, I could scream!

- What? What? What? What?!
- We just won!

Oh, my God, we won $500 million?

No! We only got five of the numbers!

So why are we jumping?!

Because we still won $500,000!

Oh, my God! I should have
worn a sports bra too.

So where's the ticket?
Get the freaking ticket!

Relax, okay? It's right... here.

Oh, my God, oh, my God...

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God!

- What, what, what?
- I put the ticket in the jean jacket

and now the jacket's not here!

The jacket's not here!

The look on your faces
right now is so great

because what happened was I
was going on my date with Conrad

and I borrowed Sofia's
jean jacket instead,

and that's why I'm wearing
it... a-right... a-now.

I'm not wearing it, am I?

Okay, Conrad's still not picking
up and his voice mail's full.

And he's not answering
because he hates you.

I hate you. Everybody hates
you. This is all your fault.

Okay, yes, I left the jacket in his car.

But in my defense, who hides
a lottery ticket in a jacket?

Who wears a jean jacket
on a first date, Reba?

Hey! It was raining!

I just found the u-ugliest
jacket I could find!

Oh, "ugly"? "Ugly"? Let
me tell you something

- about ugly, you jacket thief!
- No, let me tell you something about...

Stop it, you cackling bitches!

Listen, this is not my fault, okay?

You know whose fault it is? Josh's. If
he didn't have his commitment issues,

which forced me to start dating,
I never would have met Conrad

and I never would have had to wear
Sofia's ugly jacket. Boom! Josh's fault!

It's not my fault! It's
called transference!

Did Alan say some...

thing? What you guys talking about?

Somebody lost a lottery ticket.
What are you talking about?


I want to have breakfast in my office.

Can you please transference
those scones into my office?


Drop the scone and pick up your phone.

Okay, fine. But I don't know why

you think after I called him
a thousand times he's just

- suddenly gonna pick up.
- Hello?


Hey, I got your 40 messages.
What's up, Desperate?

I can't do this. I hate
him. I hate him. Okay, fine.

Hey, Conrad.

It turns out I... I'm down
for that... primo cuddle.

So, why don't you drive here
in your car and do that now?

Sorry, Little Spoon,
I'm still in my PJs.

But I would be willing to let
you make me dinner tonight.

And since we're both foodies,

I'll bring you Conrad's famous cannoli.

Oh, okay. You make cannoli?



That is some storm out there, huh?

Josh, that's the third
time you've said that.

In your message, you said
you really needed to talk

and asked me to squeeze you in.

I never said anything
about squeezing anything.

- Josh.
- Fine.

I had... a dream...

that was...

sexual in nature, involving sex.

Huh. Was anyone else in it?

There was, there was, there was a woman.

And the woman who it was was...

I'm sorry. It only rings through
if it's an emergency. Just a moment.



Oh, my God! I am on my way.

A car skidded in the
rain and hit my dog.

I am sorry. I have to get
to the animal hospital.

Damn it.

Um, hey, you... you can't drive

like this. Okay? I'll take you.
It's raining cats and dogs out there.

I am so sorry.

Sexy! Perfect diversion! He won't
be able to keep his eyes off of you.

Well, as long as he can
keep his hands off of me.

Yeah, well, just keep
picturing $500,000.

Oh, my God, he's here.

Just put on that big, giant smile.

Okay, you have exactly
four minutes to get his keys

and get into his car to get
the jacket before I kill...


Hey, doll. I knew you'd
come crawling back.

Oh, yeah, well, you know me so
well. I'm a little creepy crawler.

- Yes, you are.
- Ha ha, that tickles.

Hello, Conrad. I'm Sofia, the
roommate. Can I take your jacket?

And the clothes are coming off already.

Okay, well, you two have fun.

All right, we will. You have
fun doing whatever you're doing

as fast as you possibly can!

It's not up here! You
guys find anything?

No. There's nothing back here.

Yolanda? Aah!

Ew, licorice.

What the hell?!

I get low blood sugar.

You ever hear of a purse, bitch?

So, Conrad...

can I get you anything?
Um, beer, wine, or...

we could just do shots
till you pass out.

Trying to get me drunk.

I know that game.

You wanna kiss me, don't you?

I don't...

wanna rush it.

No, I'm the kind of girl that
likes to get to know a guy first.

I'm 28, I run an online clothing
store, and I love Billy Joel.

Let's do this.

Oh, damn it.

Problem, babe?

Uh, no. No problem.

It's just that I borrowed
my roommate's jacket

for our date last night
and now she can't find it.

Oh, you left it in my car.

But it's not in your car. Probably.

That's right. I brought
it up to my place.

But here's a plan.

You can get it on our third date...

so you don't get cold the next morning.

Can't wait for that.

So where do you live exactly?

Okay, this is Conrad's place.

Yolanda, you guard the door,
Elliot, you watch out for neighbors.

- I'll get the jacket.
- Oh, screw that.

We're coming in to help you look.

Yolanda, it's a jean jacket.
How hard can it be to find?

Oh, my damn.

Oh, my denim.

So, you wanna do it "Lady
and the Tramp" style?

Oh, you mean, like, each taking the
ends of the spaghetti in our mouths?


Oh, I'm sorry. I have to take this.

It's my... chael Bolton.

Hey, Michael.

Gabi, I'm looking at literally
a thousand denim jackets.

It's like the clothing store
from Brokeback Mountain.

Oh, my God! Look at this!

Hold on. I think Elliot
might have found it.

Subtly studded with breakaway sleeves.

Viola! It's a vest!

I can't quit it.

Oh, let me see those. Thank you.

Find! The! Jacket! Fool!

Okay, well, hurry. Please hurry.

Is there a problem?

Oh, no. My friend is just
having a little trouble.

Finding this?

I can't believe Sigmund's
still in surgery.

Look, I know it's hard, but
you should really try to relax.

Hey! Usually it's you saying that to me.

I know it's clich?,
but he's my best friend.

You know what would help
me get my mind off things?

If we continued with your session.

Right here, right now?

It would help me focus on
something other than Sigmund.

- Please?
- Okay.


like I was saying,
I've been having this...

sexual dream about...

I'm sorry!

Thank you.

Oh, my God, you had that
ticket the whole time?!

Why didn't you just go cash
it?! Why would you make me sit

through this whole night
with you with your gross

come-ons and your sleazy innuendos

and your fog of Euro-trash body spray?!

Gabi, Gabi, Gabi. I did it for this.

- For what?!
- To watch you squirm.

I liked you, Gabi. I liked you
a lot and you threw it all away.

Let this be a $500,000 lesson.

Hasta la bye-bye.

No, no, no. Hey, hey! No! You're
not leaving with that ticket.

Oh, you're gonna stop
me? You and what army?

- Where is it?
- Give us our ticket.

Let me ask you something, buddy.

Does this come in white?

Everybody back off!

There's no way any of you
are getting this ticket.

And there is no way
I'd ever choke you out,

wrap you in a shower curtain,
and dump you in the East Bay.

Fine. You want it?

Come and get it.

I'm out.

I'm in. Ladies.

Run, Elliot! Work those stubby...

You're never getting
this ticket from my hands!

- Never! Oh!
- Oh, no?

It's mine!

You'll never see this ticket again!

I'm rich!


So this ticket is gone forever,

and yet Conrad came out
relatively unscathed.

That seems fair.

Well, looks like Conrad is doing better.

He just sent me a picture of
him high-fouring the nurse.

Okay, can we just, like, take a moment

to reflect on what happened tonight?

I mean, the chances of winning the
lottery are, like, one in a gazillion,

and then the chances of
lightning striking that ticket

are, like, one in a kajillion,

but both of those things
happening at the same time,

that will never happen again.


Do you know what that means?

That I'm not getting a boat.

No, that lighting doesn't strike twice,

and there aren't a
million Joshes in the sea.

Sofia, I'm not dating anymore.

Okay? I'm waiting for Josh.

I don't care how long it takes.

He's my one in a million.

- Jessica Rounds?
- That's me.

- How is he?
- He's out of surgery.

A couple of broken bones,
but he's gonna be just fine.

Oh, thank God!

Thank you so much for
being there for me.

I'm really sorry you didn't
get that lottery ticket.

We just could have
really used the money.

Thank God you found your
calling in interior design.

Uh, my little calling...
huh, I should've hung up.

It's a disaster.

What do you think about
me becoming a therapist?

Stop it. I bet it's
gorgeous. Let me be the judge.

You're gonna make an amazing therapist!